TANNER。I！Ihaveneverbeenoutofit。Why，IaminloveevenwithAnn。ButIamneithertheslaveoflovenoritsdupe。Gotothebee，thoupoet：considerherwaysandbewise。ByHeaven，Tavy，ifwomencoulddowithoutourwork，andweatetheirchildren’sbreadinsteadofmakingit，theywouldkillusasthespiderkillshermateorasthebeeskillthedrone。Andtheywouldberightifweweregoodfornothingbutlove。
OCTAVIUS。Ah，ifwewereonlygoodenoughforLove！ThereisnothinglikeLove：thereisnothingelsebutLove：withoutittheworldwouldbeadreamofsordidhorror。
TANNER。Andthis——thisisthemanwhoasksmetogivehimthehandofmyward！Tavy：Ibelievewewerechangedinourcradles，andthatyouaretherealdescendantofDonJuan。
OCTAVIUS。IbegyounottosayanythinglikethattoAnn。
TANNER。Don’tbeafraid。Shehasmarkedyouforherown；andnothingwillstophernow。Youaredoomed。[Strakercomesbackwithanewspaper]。HerecomestheNewMan，demoralizinghimselfwithahalfpennypaperasusual。
STRAKER。Now，wouldyoubelieveit：MrRobinson，whenwe’reoutmotoringwetakeintwopapers，theTimesforhim，theLeaderortheEchoforme。AnddoyouthinkIeverseemypaper？Notmuch。HegrabstheLeaderandleavesmetostodgemyselfwithhisTimes。
OCTAVIUS。AretherenowinnersintheTimes？
TANNER。Enrydon’toldwithbettin，Tavy。Motorrecordsarehisweakness。What’sthelatest？
STRAKER。ParistoBiskraatfortymileanhouraverage，notcountintheMediterranean。
TANNER。Howmanykilled？
STRAKER。Twosillysheep。Whatdoesitmatter？Sheepdon’tcostsuchalot：theyweregladtoavethepricewithoutthetroubleosellinemtothebutcher。Allthesame，d’y’see，there’llbeaclamoraginitpresently；andthentheFrenchGovernment’llstopit；anourchancewillbegonesee？Thatwhatmakesmefairlymad：MrTannerwon’tdoagoodrunwhilehecan。
TANNER。Tavy：doyouremembermyuncleJames？
OCTAVIUS。Yes。Why？
TANNER。UncleJameshadafirstratecook：hecouldn’tdigestanythingexceptwhatshecooked。Well，thepoormanwasshyandhatedsociety。Buthiscookwasproudofherskill，andwantedtoserveupdinnerstoprincesandambassadors。Topreventherfromleavinghim，thatpooroldmanhadtogiveabigdinnertwiceamonth，andsufferagoniesofawkwardness。NowhereamI；andhereisthischapEnryStraker，theNewMan。Iloathetravelling；butIratherlikeEnry。Hecaresfornothingbuttearingalonginaleathercoatandgoggles，withtwoinchesofdustalloverhim，atsixtymilesanhourandtheriskofhislifeandmine。Except，ofcourse，whenheislyingonhisbackinthemudunderthemachinetryingtofindoutwhereithasgivenway。Well，ifI
don’tgivehimathousandmilerunatleastonceafortnightI
shalllosehim。HewillgivemethesackandgotosomeAmericanmillionaire；andIshallhavetoputupwithanicerespectfulgroom—gardener—amateur，whowilltouchhishatandknowhisplace。IamEnry’sslave，justasUncleJameswashiscook’sslave。
STRAKER。[exasperated]Garn！IwishIhadacarthatwouldgoasfastasyoucantalk，MrTanner。WhatIsayisthatyoulosemoneybyamotorcarunlessyoukeepitworkin。Mightaswellaveapramandanussmaidtowheelyouinitasthatcarandmeifyoudon’tgitthelastinchoutofusboth。
TANNER。[soothingly]Allright，Henry，allright。We’llgooutforhalfanhourpresently。
STRAKER。[indisgust]Arfanahr！[Hereturnstohismachine；
seatshimselfinit；andturnsupafreshpageofhispaperinsearchofmorenews]。
OCTAVIUS。Oh，thatremindsme。IhaveanoteforyoufromRhoda。[HegivesTanneranote]。
TANNER。[openingit]IratherthinkRhodaisheadingforarowwithAnn。AsarulethereisonlyonepersonanEnglishgirlhatesmorethanshehateshermother；andthat’shereldestsister。ButRhodapositivelyprefershermothertoAnn。She——
[indignantly]Oh，Isay！
OCTAVIUS。What’sthematter？
TANNER。Rhodawastohavecomewithmeforarideinthemotorcar。ShesaysAnnhasforbiddenhertogooutwithme。
Strakersuddenlybeginswhistlinghisfavoriteairwithremarkabledeliberation。Surprisedbythisburstoflarklikemelody，andjarredbyasardonicnoteinitscheerfulness，theyturnandlookinquiringlyathim。Butheisbusywithhispaper；
andnothingcomesoftheirmovement。
OCTAVIUS。[recoveringhimself]Doesshegiveanyreason？
TANNER。Reason！Aninsultisnotareason。Annforbidshertobealonewithmeonanyoccasion。SaysIamnotafitpersonforayounggirltobewith。Whatdoyouthinkofyourparagonnow？
OCTAVIUS。Youmustrememberthatshehasaveryheavyresponsibilitynowthatherfatherisdead。MrsWhitefieldistooweaktocontrolRhoda。
TANNER。[staringathim]Inshort，youagreewithAnn。
OCTAVIUS。No；butIthinkIunderstandher。Youmustadmitthatyourviewsarehardlysuitedfortheformationofayounggirl’smindandcharacter。
TANNER。Iadmitnothingofthesort。Iadmitthattheformationofayounglady’smindandcharacterusuallyconsistsintellingherlies；butIobjecttotheparticularliethatIaminthehabitofabusingtheconfidenceofgirls。
OCTAVIUS。Anndoesn’tsaythat，Jack。
TANNER。Whatelsedoesshemean？
STRAKER。[catchingsightofAnncomingfromthehouse]MissWhitefield，gentlemen。[Hedismountsandstrollsawaydowntheavenuewiththeairofamanwhoknowsheisnolongerwanted]。
ANN。[comingbetweenOctaviusandTanner]。Goodmorning，Jack。I
havecometotellyouthatpoorRhodahasgotoneofherheadachesandcannotgooutwithyouto—dayinthecar。Itisacrueldisappointmenttoher，poorchild！
TANNER。Whatdoyousaynow，Tavy，OCTAVIUS。Surelyyoucannotmisunderstand，Jack。Annisshowingyouthekindestconsideration，evenatthecostofdeceivingyou。
ANN。Whatdoyoumean？
TANNER。WouldyouliketocureRhoda’sheadache，Ann？
ANN。Ofcourse。
TANNER。Thentellherwhatyousaidjustnow；andaddthatyouarrivedabouttwominutesafterIhadreceivedherletterandreadit。
ANN。Rhodahaswrittentoyou！
TANNER。Withfullparticulars。
OCTAVIUS。Nevermindhim，Ann。Youwereright，quiteright。Annwasonlydoingherduty，Jack；andyouknowit。Doingitinthekindestway，too。
ANN。[goingtoOctavius]Howkindyouare，Tavy！Howhelpful！
Howwellyouunderstand！
Octaviusbeams。
TANNER。Ay：tightenthecoils。Youloveher，Tavy，don’tyou？
OCTAVIUS。SheknowsIdo。
ANN。Hush。Forshame，Tavy！
TANNER。Oh，Igiveyouleave。Iamyourguardian；andIcommityoutoTavy’scareforthenexthour。
ANN。No，Jack。ImustspeaktoyouaboutRhoda。Ricky：willyougobacktothehouseandentertainyourAmericanfriend？He’sratheronMamma’shandssoearlyinthemorning。Shewantstofinishherhousekeeping。
OCTAVIUS。Ifly，dearestAnn[hekissesherhand]。
ANN。[tenderly]RickyTickyTavy！
Helooksatherwithaneloquentblush，andrunsoff。
TANNER。[bluntly]Nowlookhere，Ann。Thistimeyou’velandedyourself；andifTavywerenotinlovewithyoupastallsalvationhe’dhavefoundoutwhatanincorrigibleliaryouare。
ANN。Youmisunderstand，Jack。Ididn’tdaretellTavythetruth。
TANNER。No：yourdaringisgenerallyintheoppositedirection。
WhatthedevildoyoumeanbytellingRhodathatIamtoovicioustoassociatewithher？HowcanIeverhaveanyhumanordecentrelationswithheragain，nowthatyouhavepoisonedhermindinthatabominableway？
ANN。Iknowyouareincapableofbehavingbadly。
TANNER。Thenwhydidyoulietoher？
ANN。Ihadto。
TANNER。Hadto！
ANN。Mothermademe。
TANNER。[hiseyeflashing]Ha！Imighthaveknownit。Themother！
Alwaysthemother！
ANN。Itwasthatdreadfulbookofyours。Youknowhowtimidmotheris。Alltimidwomenareconventional：wemustbeconventional，Jack，orwearesocruelly，sovilelymisunderstood。
Evenyou，whoareaman，cannotsaywhatyouthinkwithoutbeingmisunderstoodandvilified——yes：Iadmitit：Ihavehadtovilifyyou。DoyouwanttohavepoorRhodamisunderstoodandvilifiedtothesameway？Woulditberightformothertoletherexposeherselftosuchtreatmentbeforesheisoldenoughtojudgeforherself？
TANNER。Inshort，thewaytoavoidmisunderstandingisforeverybodytolieandslanderandinsinuateandpretendashardastheycan。Thatiswhatobeyingyourmothercomesto。
ANN。Ilovemymother，Jack。
TANNER。[workinghimselfupintoasociologicalrage]Isthatanyreasonwhyyouarenottocallyoursoulyourown？Oh，Iprotestagainstthisvileabjectionofyouthtoage！lookatfashionablesocietyasyouknowit。Whatdoesitpretendtobe？Anexquisitedanceofnymphs。Whatisit？Ahorribleprocessionofwretchedgirls，eachintheclawsofacynical，cunning，avaricious，disillusioned，ignorantlyexperienced，foul—mindedoldwomanwhomshecallsmother，andwhosedutyitistocorrupthermindandsellhertothehighestbidder。Whydotheseunhappyslavesmarryanybody，howeveroldandvile，soonerthannotmarryatall？
Becausemarriageistheironlymeansofescapefromthesedecrepitfiendswhohidetheirselfishambitions，theirjealoushatredsoftheyoungrivalswhohavesupplantedthem，underthemaskofmaternaldutyandfamilyaffection。Suchthingsareabominable：thevoiceofnatureproclaimsforthedaughterafather’scareandforthesonamother’s。Thelawforfatherandsonandmotheranddaughterisnotthelawoflove：itisthelawofrevolution，ofemancipation，offinalsupersessionoftheoldandworn—outbytheyoungandcapable。Itellyou，thefirstdutyofmanhoodandwomanhoodisaDeclarationofIndependence：
themanwhopleadshisfather’sauthorityisnoman：thewomanwhopleadshermother’sauthorityisunfittobearcitizenstoafreepeople。
ANN。[watchinghimwithquietcuriosity]Isupposeyouwillgoinseriouslyforpoliticssomeday，Jack。
TANNER。[heavilyletdown]Eh？What？Wh——？[Collectinghisscatteredwits]WhathasthatgottodowithwhatIhavebeensaying？
ANN。Youtalksowell。
TANNER。Talk！Talk！Itmeansnothingtoyoubuttalk。Well，gobacktoyourmother，andhelphertopoisonRhoda’simaginationasshehaspoisonedyours。Itisthetameelephantswhoenjoycapturingthewildones。
ANN。Iamgettingon。YesterdayIwasaboaconstrictor：to—dayI
amanelephant。
TANNER。Yes。Sopackyourtrunkandbegone；Ihavenomoretosaytoyou。
ANN。Youaresoutterlyunreasonableandimpracticable。WhatcanIdo？
TANNER。Do！Breakyourchains。Goyourwayaccordingtoyourownconscienceandnotaccordingtoyourmother’s。Getyourmindcleanandvigorous；andlearntoenjoyafastrideinamotorcarinsteadofseeingnothinginitbutanexcuseforadetestableintrigue。ComewithmetoMarseillesandacrosstoAlgiersandtoBiskra，atsixtymilesanhour。ComerightdowntotheCapeifyoulike。ThatwillbeaDeclarationofIndependencewithavengeance。Youcanwriteabookaboutitafterwards。Thatwillfinishyourmotherandmakeawomanofyou。
ANN。[thoughtfully]Idon’tthinktherewouldbeanyharminthat，Jack。Youaremyguardian：youstandinmyfather’splace，byhisownwish。Nobodycouldsayawordagainstourtravellingtogether。Itwouldbedelightful：thankyouathousandtimes，Jack。I’llcome。
TANNER。[aghast]You’llcome！！！
ANN。Ofcourse。
TANNER。But——[hestops，utterlyappalled；thenresumesfeebly]
No：lookhere，Ann：ifthere’snoharminitthere’snopointindoingit。
ANN。Howabsurdyouare！Youdon’twanttocompromiseme，doyou？
TANNER。Yes：that’sthewholesenseofmyproposal。
ANN。Youaretalkingthegreatestnonsense；andyouknowit。Youwouldneverdoanythingtohurtme。
TANNER。Well，ifyoudon’twanttobecompromised，don’tcome。
ANN。[withsimpleearnestness]Yes，Iwillcome，Jack，sinceyouwishit。Youaremyguardian；andthinkweoughttoseemoreofoneanotherandcometoknowoneanotherbetter。[Gratefully]
It’sverythoughtfulandverykindofyou，Jack，tooffermethislovelyholiday，especiallyafterwhatIsaidaboutRhoda。Youreallyaregood——muchbetterthanyouthink。Whendowestart？
TANNER。But——
TheconversationisinterruptedbythearrivalofMrsWhitefieldfromthehouse。SheisaccompaniedbytheAmericangentleman，andfollowedbyRamsdenandOctavius。
HectorMaloneisanEasternAmerican；butheisnotatallashamedofhisnationality。ThismakesEnglishpeopleoffashionthinkwellofhim，asofayoungfellowwhoismanlyenoughtoconfesstoanobviousdisadvantagewithoutanyattempttoconcealorextenuateit。Theyfeelthatheoughtnottobemadetosufferforwhatisclearlynothisfault，andmakeapointofbeingspeciallykindtohim。Hischivalrousmannerstowomen，andhiselevatedmoralsentiments，beingbothgratuitousandunusual，strikethemasbeingalittleunfortunate；andthoughtheyfindhisveinofeasyhumorratheramusingwhenithasceasedtopuzzlethem（asitdoesatfirst），theyhavehadtomakehimunderstandthathereallymustnottellanecdotesunlesstheyarestrictlypersonalandscandalous，andalsothatoratoryisanaccomplishmentwhichbelongstoacruderstageofcivilizationthanthatinwhichhismigrationhaslandedhim。OnthesepointsHectorisnotquiteconvinced：hestillthinksthattheBritishareapttomakemeritsoftheirstupidities，andtorepresenttheirvariousincapacitiesaspointsofgoodbreeding。Englishlifeseemstohimtosufferfromalackofedifyingrhetoric（whichhecallsmoraltone）；Englishbehaviortoshowawantofrespectforwomanhood；Englishpronunciationtofailveryvulgarlyintacklingsuchwordsasworld，girl，bird，etc。；
Englishsocietytobeplainspokentoanextentwhichstretchesoccasionallytointolerablecoarseness；andEnglishintercoursetoneedenliveningbygamesandstoriesandotherpastimes；sohedoesnotfeelcalledupontoacquirethesedefectsaftertakinggreatpathstocultivatehimselfinafirstratemannerbeforeventuringacrosstheAtlantic。TothisculturehefindsEnglishpeopleeithertotallyindifferentastheyverycommonlyaretoallculture，orelsepolitelyevasive，thetruthbeingthatHector’scultureisnothingbutastateofsaturationwithourliteraryexportsofthirtyyearsago，reimportedbyhimtobeunpackedatamoment’snoticeandhurledattheheadofEnglishliterature，scienceandart，ateveryconversationalopportunity。
ThedismaysetupbythesesalliesencourageshiminhisbeliefthatheishelpingtoeducateEngland。WhenhefindspeoplechatteringharmlesslyaboutAnatoleFranceandNietzsche，hedevastatesthemwithMatthewArnold，theAutocratoftheBreakfastTable，andevenMacaulay；andasheisdevoutlyreligiousatbottom，hefirstleadstheunwary，byhumorousirreverences，towavepopulartheologyoutofaccountindiscussingmoralquestionswithhim，andthenscatterstheminconfusionbydemandingwhetherthecarryingoutofhisidealsofconductwasnotthemanifestobjectofGodAlmightyincreatinghonestmenandpurewomen。Theengagingfreshnessofhispersonalityandthedumbfounderingstalenessofhisculturemakeitextremelydifficulttodecidewhetherheisworthknowing；forwhilsthiscompanyisundeniablypleasantandenlivening，thereisintellectuallynothingnewtobegotoutofhim，especiallyashedespisespolitics，andiscarefulnottotalkcommercialshop，inwhichdepartmentheisprobablymuchinadvanceofhisEnglishcapitalistfriends。HegetsonbestwithromanticChristiansoftheamoristicsect：hencethefriendshipwhichhassprungupbetweenhimandOctavius。
InappearanceHectorisaneatlybuiltyoungmanoftwenty—four，withashort，smartlytrimmedblackbeard，clear，wellshapedeyes，andaningratiatingvivacityofexpression。Heis，fromthefashionablepointofview，faultlesslydressed。AshecomesalongthedrivefromthehousewithMrsWhitefieldheissedulouslymakinghimselfagreeableandentertaining，andtherebyplacingonherslenderwitaburdenitisunabletobear。AnEnglishmanwouldletheralone，acceptingboredomandindifferenceoftheircommonlot；andthepoorladywantstobeeitherletaloneorletprattleaboutthethingsthatinteresther。
Ramsdenstrollsovertoinspectthemotorcar。OctaviusjoinsHector。
ANN。[pouncingonhermotherjoyously]Oh，mamma，whatdoyouthink！JackisgoingtotakemetoNiceinhismotorcar。Isn’titlovely？IamthehappiestpersoninLondon。
TANNER。[desperately]MrsWhitefieldobjects。Iamsuresheobjects。Doesn’tshe，Ramsden？
RAMSDEN。Ishouldthinkitverylikelyindeed。
ANN。Youdon’tobject，doyou，mother？
MRSWHITEFIELD。Iobject！WhyshouldI？Ithinkitwilldoyougood，Ann。[TrottingovertoTanner]ImeanttoaskyoutotakeRhodaoutforarunoccasionally：sheistoomuchinthehouse；
butitwilldowhenyoucomeback。
TANNER。Abyssbeneathabyssofperfidy！
ANN。[hastily，todistractattentionfromthisoutburst]Oh，I
forgot：youhavenotmetMrMalone。MrTanner，myguardian：MrHectorMalone。
HECTOR。Pleasedtomeetyou，MrTanner。IshouldliketosuggestanextensionofthetravellingpartytoNice，ifImay。
ANN。Oh，we’reallcoming。That’sunderstood，isn’tit？
HECTOR。Ialsoamthemodestpossessorofamotorcar。IfMissRobinsonwillallowmetheprivilegeoftakingher，mycarisatherservice。
OCTAVIUS。Violet！
Generalconstraint。
ANN。[subduedly]Come，mother：wemustleavethemtotalkoverthearrangements。Imustseetomytravellingkit。
MrsWhitefieldlooksbewildered；butAnndrawsherdiscreetlyaway；andtheydisappearroundthecornertowardsthehouse。
HECTOR。IthinkImaygosofarastosaythatIcandependonMissRobinson’sconsent。
Continuedembarrassment。
OCTAVIUS。I’mafraidwemustleaveVioletbehind，Therearecircumstanceswhichmakeitimpossibleforhertocomeonsuchanexpedition。
HECTOR。[amusedandnotatallconvinced]TooAmerican，eh？Musttheyoungladyhaveachaperone？
OCTAVIUS。It’snotthat，Malone——atleastnotaltogether。
HECTOR。Indeed！MayIaskwhatotherobjectionapplies？
TANNER。[impatiently]Oh，tellhim，tellhim。Weshallneverbeabletokeepthesecretunlesseverybodyknowswhatitis。MrMalone：ifyougotoNicewithViolet，yougowithanotherman’swife。Sheismarried。
HECTOR。（thunderstruck]Youdon’ttellmeso！
TANNER。Wedo。Inconfidence。
RAMSDEN。[withanairofimportance，lestMaloneshouldsuspectamisalliance]Hermarriagehasnotyetbeenmadeknown：shedesiresthatitshallnotbementionedforthepresent。
HECTOR。Ishallrespectthelady’swishes。Woulditbeindiscreettoaskwhoherhusbandis，incaseIshouldhaveanopportunityofconsultinghimaboutthistrip？
TANNER。Wedon’tknowwhoheis。
HECTOR。[retiringintohisshellinaverymarkedmanner]Inthatcase，Ihavenomoretosay。
Theybecomemoreembarrassedthanever。
OCTAVIUS。Youmustthinkthisverystrange。
HECTOR。Alittlesingular。Pardonmeforsavingso。
RAMSDEN。[halfapologetic，halfhuffy]Theyoungladywasmarriedsecretly；andherhusbandhasforbiddenher，itseems，todeclarehisname。Itisonlyrighttotellyou，sinceyouareinterestedinMiss——er——inViolet。
OCTAVIUS。[sympathetically]Ihopethisisnotadisappointmenttoyou。
HECTOR。[softened，comingoutofhisshellagain]Wellitisablow。Icanhardlyunderstandhowamancanleaveawifeinsuchaposition。Surelyit’snotcustomary。It’snotmanly。It’snotconsiderate。
OCTAVIUS。Wefeelthat，asyoumayimagine，prettydeeply。
RAMSDEN。[testily]Itissomeyoungfoolwhohasnotenoughexperiencetoknowwhatmystificationsofthiskindleadto。
HECTOR。[withstrongsymptomsofmoralrepugnance]Ihopeso。A
manneedbeveryyoungandprettyfoolishtootobeexcusedforsuchconduct。Youtakeaverylenientview，MrRamsden。Toolenienttomymind。Surelymarriageshouldennobleaman。
TANNER。[sardonically]Ha！
HECTOR。AmItogatherfromthatcacchinationthatyoudon’tagreewithme，MrTanner？
TANNER。[drily]Getmarriedandtry。Youmayfinditdelightfulforawhile：youcertainlywon’tfinditennobling。Thegreatestcommonmeasureofamanandawomanisnotnecessarilygreaterthantheman’ssinglemeasure。
HECTOR。Well，wethinkinAmericathatawoman’smoralnumberishigherthanaman’s，andthatthepurernatureofawomanliftsamanrightoutofhimself，andmakeshimbetterthanhewas。
OCTAVIUS。[withconviction]Soitdoes。
TANNER。NowonderAmericanwomenprefertoliveinEurope！It’smorecomfortablethanstandingalltheirlivesonanaltartobeworshipped。Anyhow，Violet’shusbandhasnotbeenennobled。Sowhat’stobedone？
HECTOR。[shakinghishead]Ican’tdismissthatman’sconductaslightlyasyoudo，MrTanner。However，I’llsaynomore。Whoeverheis，he’sMissRobinson’shusband；andIshouldbegladforhersaketothinkbetterofhim。
OCTAVIUS。[touched；forhedivinesasecretsorrow]I’mverysorry，Malone。Verysorry。
HECTOR。[gratefully]You’reagoodfellow，Robinson，Thankyou。
TANNER。Talkaboutsomethingelse。Violet’scomingfromthehouse。
HECTOR。Ishouldesteemitaverygreatfavor，men，ifyouwouldtaketheopportunitytoletmehaveafewwordswiththeladyalone。Ishallhavetocryoffthistrip；andit’sratheradelicate——
RAMSDEN。[gladtoescape]Saynomore。ComeTanner，Come，Tavy。
[HestrollsawayintotheparkwithOctaviusandTanner，pastthemotorcar]。
VioletcomesdowntheavenuetoHector。
VIOLET。Aretheylooking？
HECTOR。No。
Shekisseshim。
VIOLET。Haveyoubeentellingliesformysake？
HECTOR。Lying！Lyinghardlydescribesit。Ioverdoit。Igetcarriedawayinanecstasyofmendacity。Violet：Iwishyou’dletmeownup。
VIOLET。[instantlybecomingseriousandresolute]No，no。Hector：
youpromisedmenotto。
HECTOR。I’llkeepmypromiseuntilyoureleasemefromit。ButI
feelmean，lyingtothosemen，anddenyingmywife。Justdastardly。
VIOLET。Iwishyourfatherwerenotsounreasonable。
HECTOR。He’snotunreasonable。He’srightfromhispointofview。
HehasaprejudiceagainsttheEnglishmiddleclass。
VIOLET。It’stooridiculous。YouknowhowIdislikesayingsuchthingstoyou，Hector；butifIwereto——oh，well，nomatter。
HECTOR。Iknow。IfyouweretomarrythesonofanEnglishmanufacturerofofficefurniture，yourfriendswouldconsideritamisalliance。Andhere’smysillyolddad，whoisthebiggestofficefurnituremanintheworld，wouldshowmethedoorformarryingthemostperfectladyinEnglandmerelybecauseshehasnohandletohername。Ofcourseit’sjustabsurd。ButItellyou，Violet，Idon’tlikedeceivinghim。IfeelasifIwasstealinghismoney。Whywon’tyouletmeownup？
VIOLET。Wecan’taffordit。Youcanbeasromanticasyoupleaseaboutlove，Hector；butyoumustn’tberomanticaboutmoney。
HECTOR。[dividedbetweenhisuxoriousnessandhishabitualelevationofmoralsentiment]That’sveryEnglish。[Appealingtoherimpulsively]Violet：Dad’sboundtofindusoutsomeday。
VIOLET。Ohyes，lateronofcourse。Butdon’tlet’sgooverthiseverytimewemeet，dear。Youpromised——
HECTOR。Allright，allright，I——
VIOLET。[nottobesilenced]ItisIandnotyouwhosufferbythisconcealment；andastofacingastruggleandpovertyandallthatsortofthingIsimplywillnotdoit。It’stoosilly。
HECTOR。Youshallnot。I’llsortofborrowthemoneyfrommydaduntilIgetonmyownfeet；andthenIcanownupandpayupatthesametime。
VIOLET。[alarmedandindignant]Doyoumeantowork？Doyouwanttospoilourmarriage？
HECTOR。Well，Idon’tmeantoletmarriagespoilmycharacter。
YourfriendMrTannerhasgotthelaughonmeabitalreadyaboutthat；and——
VIOLET。Thebeast！IhateJackTanner。
HECTOR。[magnanimously]Oh，he’sallright：heonlyneedstheloveofagoodwomantoennoblehim。Besides，he’sproposedamotoringtriptoNice；andI’mgoingtotakeyou。
VIOLET。Howjolly！
HECTOR。Yes；buthowarewegoingtomanage？Yousee，they’vewarnedmeoffgoingwithyou，sotospeak。They’vetoldmeinconfidencethatyou’remarried。That’sjustthemostoverwhelmingconfidenceI’veeverbeenhonoredwith。
TannerreturnswithStraker，whogoestohiscar。
TANNER。Yourcarisagreatsuccess，MrMalone。YourengineerisshowingitofftoMrRamsden。
HECTOR。[eagerly——forgettinghimself]Let’scome，Vi。
VIOLET。[coldly，warninghimwithhereyes]Ibegyourpardon，MrMalone，Ididnotquitecatch——
HECTOR。[recollectinghimself]IasktobeallowedthepleasureofshowingyoumylittleAmericansteamcar，MissRobinson。
VIOLET。Ishallbeverypleased。[Theygoofftogetherdowntheavenue]。
TANNER。Aboutthistrip，Straker。
STRAKER。[preoccupiedwiththecar]Yes？
TANNER。MissWhitefieldissupposedtobecomingwithme。
STRAKER。SoIgather。
TANNER。MrRobinsonistobeoneoftheparty。
STRAKER。Yes。
TANNER。Well，ifyoucanmanagesoastobeagooddealoccupiedwithme，andleaveMrRobinsonagooddealoccupiedwithMissWhitefield，hewillbedeeplygratefultoyou。
STRAKER。[lookingroundathim]Evidently。
TANNER。\"Evidently\"！Yourgrandfatherwouldhavesimplywinked。
STRAKER。Mygrandfatherwouldhavetouchedhisat。
TANNER。AndIshouldhavegivenyourgoodnicerespectfulgrandfatherasovereign。
STRAKER。Fiveshillins，morelikely。[HeleavesthecarandapproachesTanner]。Whataboutthelady’sviews？
TANNER。SheisjustaswillingtobelefttoMrRobinsonasMrRobinsonistobelefttoher。[Strakerlooksathisprincipalwithcoolscepticism；thenturnstothecarwhistlinghisfavoriteair]。Stopthataggravatingnoise。Whatdoyoumeanbyit？[Strakercalmlyresumesthemelodyandfinishesit。TannerpolitelyhearsitoutbeforeheagainaddressesStraker，thistimewithelaborateseriousness]。Enry：Ihaveeverbeenawarmadvocateofthespreadofmusicamongthemasses；butIobjecttoyourobligingthecompanywheneverMissWhitefield’snameismentioned。Youdiditthismorning，too。
STRAKER。[obstinately]It’snotabitouse。MrRobinsonmayaswellgiveitupfirstaslast。
TANNER。Why？
STRAKER。Garn！Youknowwhy。Courseit’snotmybusiness；butyouneedn’tstartkiddinmeaboutit。
TANNER。Iamnotkidding。Idon’tknowwhy。
STRAKER。[Cheerfullysulky]Oh，verywell。Allright。Itain’tmybusiness。
TANNER。[impressively]Itrust，Enry，that，asbetweenemployerandengineer，Ishallalwaysknowhowtokeepmyproperdistance，andnotintrudemyprivateaffairsonyou。EvenourbusinessarrangementsaresubjecttotheapprovalofyourTradeUnion。Butdon’tabuseyouradvantages。LetmeremindyouthatVoltairesaidthatwhatwastoosillytobesaidcouldbesung。
STRAKER。Itwasn’tVoltaire：itwasBowMarShay。
TANNER。Istandcorrected：Beaumarchaisofcourse。Nowyouseemtothinkthatwhatistoodelicatetobesaidcanbewhistled。
Unfortunatelyyourwhistling，thoughmelodious，isunintelligible。
Come！there’snobodylistening：neithermygenteelrelativesnorthesecretaryofyourconfoundedUnion。Asmantoman，Enry，whydoyouthinkthatmyfriendhasnochancewithMissWhitefield？
STRAKER。Causeshe’sartersummunelse。
TANNER。Bosh！whoelse？
STRAKER。You。
TANNER。Me！！！
STRAKER。Meantotellmeyoudidn’tknow？Oh，come，MrTanner！
TANNER。[infierceearnest]Areyouplayingthefool，ordoyoumeanit？
STRAKER。[withaflashoftemper]I’mnotplayinnofool。[Morecoolly]Why，it’sasplainasthenoseonyourface。Ifyouain’tspottedthat，youdon’tknowmuchaboutthesesortofthings。
[Sereneagain]Ex—cuseme，youknow，MrTanner；butyouaskedmeasmantoman；andItoldyouasmantoman。
TANNER。[wildlyappealingtotheheavens]ThenI——Iamthebee，thespider，themarkeddownvictim，thedestinedprey。
STRAKER。Idunnoaboutthebeeandthespider。Butthemarkeddownvictim，that’swhatyouareandnomistake；andajollygoodjobforyou，too，Ishouldsay。
TANNER。[momentously]HenryStraker：themomentofyourlifehasarrived。
STRAKER。Whatd’y’mean？
TANNER。ThatrecordtoBiskra。
STRAKER。[eagerly]Yes？
TANNER。Breakit。
STRAKER。[risingtotheheightofhisdestiny]D’y’meanit？
TANNER。Ido。
STRAKER。When？
TANNER。Now。Isthatmachinereadytostart？
STRAKER。[quailing]Butyoucan’t——
TANNER。[cuttinghimshortbygettingintothecar]Offwego。
Firsttothebankformoney；thentomyroomsformykit；thentoyourroomsforyourkit；thenbreaktherecordfromLondontoDoverorFolkestone；thenacrossthechannelandawaylikemadtoMarseilles，Gibraltar，Genoa，anyportfromwhichwecansailtoaMahometancountrywheremenareprotectedfromwomen。
STRAKER。Garn！you’rekiddin。
TANNER。[resolutely]Staybehindthen。Ifyouwon’tcomeI’lldoitalone。[Hestartsthemotor]。
STRAKER。[runningafterhim]Here！Mister！arfamo！steadyon！
[hescramblesinasthecarplungesforward]。
ACTIII
EveningintheSierraNevada。Rollingslopesofbrown，witholivetreesinsteadofappletreesinthecultivatedpatches，andoccasionalpricklypearsinsteadofgorseandbrackeninthewilds。Higherup，tallstonepeaksandprecipices，allhandsomeanddistinguished。Nowildnaturehere：ratheramostaristocraticmountainlandscapemadebyafastidiousartist—creator。Novulgarprofusionofvegetation：evenatouchofaridityinthefrequentpatchesofstones：SpanishmagnificenceandSpanisheconomyeverywhere。
NotveryfarnorthofaspotatwhichthehighroadoveroneofthepassescrossesatunnelontherailwayfromMalagatoGranada，isoneofthemountainamphitheatresoftheSierra。
Lookingatitfromthewideendofthehorse—shoe，onesees，alittletotheright，inthefaceofthecliff，aromanticcavewhichisreallyanabandonedquarry，andtowardstheleftalittlehill，commandingaviewoftheroad，whichskirtstheamphitheatreontheleft，maintainingitshigherlevelonembankmentsandonanoccasionalstonearch。Onthehill，watchingtheroad，isamanwhoiseitheraSpaniardoraScotchman。ProbablyaSpaniard，sincehewearsthedressofaSpanishgoatherdandseemsathomeintheSierraNevada，butverylikeaScotchmanforallthat。Inthehollow，ontheslopeleadingtothequarry—cave，areaboutadozenmenwho，astheyreclineattheircaveroundaheapofsmoulderingwhiteashesofdeadleafandbrushwood，haveanairofbeingconsciousofthemselvesaspicturesquescoundrelshonoringtheSierrabyusingitasaneffectivepictorialbackground。Asamatterofartisticfacttheyarenotpicturesque；andthemountainstoleratethemaslionstoleratelice。AnEnglishpolicemanorPoorLawGuardianwouldrecognizethemasaselectedbandoftrampsandablebodiedpaupers。
Thisdescriptionofthemisnotwhollycontemptuous。Whoeverhasintelligentlyobservedthetramp，orvisitedtheablebodiedwardofaworkhouse，willadmitthatoursocialfailuresarenotalldrunkardsandweaklings。Someofthemaremenwhodonotfittheclasstheywereborninto。Preciselythesamequalitiesthatmaketheeducatedgentlemananartistmaymakeanuneducatedmanuallaboreranablebodiedpauper。Therearemenwhofallhelplesslyintotheworkhousebecausetheyaregoodfarnothing；buttherearealsomenwhoaretherebecausetheyarestrongmindedenoughtodisregardthesocialconvention（obviouslynotadisinterestedoneonthepartoftheratepayer）whichbidsamanlivebyheavyandbadlypaiddrudgerywhenhehasthealternativeofwalkingintotheworkhouse，announcinghimselfasadestituteperson，andlegallycompellingtheGuardianstofeed，clotheandhousehimbetterthanhecouldfeed，clotheandhousehimselfwithoutgreatexertion。Whenamanwhoisbornapoetrefusesastoolinastockbroker’soffice，andstarvesinagarret，spungingonapoorlandladyoronhisfriendsandrelativesratherthanworkagainsthisgrain；orwhenalady，becausesheisalady，willfaceanyextremityofparasiticdependenceratherthantakeasituationascookorparlormaid，wemakelargeallowancesforthem。Tosuchallowancestheablebodiedpauperandhisnomadicvariantthetrampareequallyentitled。
Further，theimaginativeman，ifhislifeistobetolerabletohim，musthaveleisuretotellhimselfstories，andapositionwhichlendsitselftoimaginativedecoration。Theranksofunskilledlaboroffernosuchpositions。Wemisuseourlaborershorribly；andwhenamanrefusestobemisused，wehavenorighttosaythatheisrefusinghonestwork。Letusbefrankinthismatterbeforewegoonwithourplay；sothatwemayenjoyitwithouthypocrisy。Ifwewerereasoning，farsightedpeople，fourfifthsofuswouldgostraighttotheGuardiansforrelief，andknockthewholesocialsystemtopieceswithmostbeneficialreconstructiveresults。Thereasonwedogotdothisisbecauseweworklikebeesorants，byinstinctorhabit，notreasoningaboutthematteratall。Thereforewhenamancomesalongwhocananddoesreason，andwho，applyingtheKantiantesttohisconduct，cantrulysaytous，IfeverybodydidasIdo，theworldwouldbecompelledtoreformitselfindustrially，andabolishslaveryandsqualor，whichexistonlybecauseeverybodydoesasyoudo，letushonorthatmanandseriouslyconsidertheadvisabilityoffollowinghisexample。Suchamanistheable—bodied，able—mindedpauper。Wereheagentlemandoinghisbesttogetapensionorasinecureinsteadofsweepingacrossing，nobodywouldblamehim；fordecidingthatsolongasthealternativeliesbetweenlivingmainlyattheexpenseofthecommunityandallowingthecommunitytolivemainlyathis，itwouldbefollytoacceptwhatistohimpersonallythegreaterofthetwoevils。
WemaythereforecontemplatethetrampsoftheSierrawithoutprejudice，admittingcheerfullythatourobjects——briefly，tobegentlemenoffortune——aremuchthesameastheirs，andthedifferenceinourpositionandmethodsmerelyaccidental。Oneortwoofthem，perhaps，itwouldbewisertokillwithoutmaliceinafriendlyandfrankmanner；fortherearebipeds，justastherearequadrupeds，whoaretoodangeroustobeleftunchainedandunmuzzled；andthesecannotfairlyexpecttohaveothermen’sliveswastedintheworkofwatchingthem。Butassocietyhasnotthecouragetokillthem，and，whenitcatchesthem，simplywreaksonthemsomesuperstitiousexpiatoryritesoftortureanddegradation，andthanletsthemloosewithheightenedqualificationsformischief；itisjustaswellthattheyareatlargeintheSierra，andinthehandsofachiefwholooksasifhemightpossibly，onprovocation，orderthemtobeshot。
Thischief，seatedinthecentreofthegrouponasquaredblockofstonefromthequarry，isatallstrongman，withastrikingcockatoonose，glossyblackhair，pointedbeard，upturnedmoustache，andaMephistopheleanaffectationwhichisfairlyimposing，perhapsbecausethesceneryadmitsofalargerswaggerthanPiccadilly，perhapsbecauseofacertainsentimentalityinthemanwhichgiveshimthattouchofgracewhichalonecanexcusedeliberatepicturesqueness。Hiseyesandmoutharebynomeansrascally；hehasafinevoiceandareadywit；andwhetherheisreallythestrongestmanintheparty，ornot，helooksit。
Heiscertainly，thebestfed，thebestdressed，andthebesttrained。ThefactthathespeaksEnglishisnotunexpectedinspiteoftheSpanishlandscape；forwiththeexceptionofonemanwhomightbeguessedasabullfighterruinedbydrinkandoneunmistakableFrenchman，theyareallcockneyorAmerican；
therefore，inalandofcloaksandsombreros，theymostlywearseedyovercoats，woollenmufflers，hardhemisphericalhats，anddirtybrowngloves。Onlyaveryfewdressaftertheirleader，whosebroadsombrerowithacock’sfeatherintheband，andvoluminouscloakdescendingtohishighboots，areasun—Englishaspossible。Noneofthemarearmed；andtheunglovedoneskeeptheirhandsintheirpocketsbecauseitistheirnationalbeliefthatitmustbedangerouslycoldintheopenairwiththenightcomingon。（Itisaswarmaneveningasanyreasonablemancoulddesire）。
Exceptthebullfightinginebriatethereisonlyonepersoninthecompanywholooksmorethan，say，thirty—three。Heisasmallmanwithreddishwhiskers，weakeyes，andtheanxiouslookofasmalltradesmanindifficulties。Hewearstheonlytallhatvisible：itshinesinthesunsetwiththestickyglowofsomesixpennypatenthatreviver，oftenappliedandconstantlytendingtoproduceaworsestateoftheoriginalsurfacethantheruinitwasappliedtoremedy。Hehasacollarandcuffofcelluloid；andhisbrownChesterfieldovercoat，withvelvetcollar，isstillpresentable。Heispre—eminentlytherespectablemanoftheparty，andiscertainlyoverforty，possiblyoverfifty。Heisthecornermanontheleader’sright，oppositethreemeninscarlettiesonhisleft。OneofthesethreeistheFrenchman。Oftheremainingtwo，whoarebothEnglish，oneisargumentative，solemn，andobstinate；theotherrowdyandmischievious。
Thechief，withamagnificentflingoftheendofhiscloakacrosshisleftshoulder，risestoaddressthem。Theapplausewhichgreetshimshowsthatheisafavoriteorator。
THECHIEF。Friendsandfellowbrigands。Ihaveaproposaltomaketothismeeting。WehavenowspentthreeeveningsindiscussingthequestionHaveAnarchistsorSocial—Democratsthemostpersonalcourage？WehavegoneintotheprinciplesofAnarchismandSocial—Democracyatgreatlength。ThecauseofAnarchyhasbeenablyrepresentedbyouroneAnarchist，whodoesn’tknowwhatAnarchismmeans[laughter]——
THEANARCHIST。[rising]Apointoforder，Mendoza——
MENDOZA。[forcibly]No，bythunder：yourlastpointofordertookhalfanhour。Besides，Anarchistsdon’tbelieveinorder。
THEANARCHIST。[mild，politebutpersistent：heis，infact，therespectablelookingelderlymaninthecelluloidcollarandcuffs]Thatisavulgarerror。Icanprove——
MENDOZA。Order，order。
THEOTHERS[shouting]Order，order。Sitdown。Chair！Shutup。
TheAnarchistissuppressed。
MENDOZA。OntheotherhandwehavethreeSocial—Democratsamongus。Theyarenotonspeakingterms；andtheyhaveputbeforeusthreedistinctandincompatibleviewsofSocial—Democracy。
THEMAJORITY。[shoutingassent]Hear，hear！Soweare。Right。
THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[smartingunderoppression]Youain’tnoChristian。You’reaSheeny，youare。
MENDOZA。[withcrushingmagnanimity]Myfriend；Iamanexceptiontoallrules。ItistruethatIhavethehonortobeaJew；and，whentheZionistsneedaleadertoreassembleourraceonitshistoricsoilofPalestine，Mendozawillnotbethelasttovolunteer[sympatheticapplause——hear，hear，etc。]。ButIamnotaslavetoanysuperstition。Ihaveswallowedalltheformulas，eventhatofSocialism；though，inasense，onceaSocialist，alwaysaSocialist。
THESOCIAL—DEMOCRATS。Hear，hear！
MENDOZA。ButIamwellawarethattheordinaryman——eventheordinarybrigand，whocanscarcelybecalledanordinaryman[Hear，hear！]——isnotaphilosopher。Commonsenseisgoodenoughforhim；andinourbusinessaffairscommonsenseisgoodenoughforme。Well，whatisourbusinesshereintheSierraNevada，chosenbytheMoorsasthefairestspotinSpain？Isittodiscussabstrusequestionsofpoliticaleconomy？No：itistoholdupmotorcarsandsecureamoreequitabledistributionofwealth。
THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。Allmadebylabor，mindyou。
MENDOZA。[urbanely]Undoubtedly。Allmadebylabor，andonitswaytobesquanderedbywealthyvagabondsinthedensofvicethatdisfigurethesunnyshoresoftheMediterranean。Weinterceptthatwealth。Werestoreittocirculationamongtheclassthatproduceditandthatchieflyneedsit——theworkingclass。Wedothisattheriskofourlivesandliberties，bytheexerciseofthevirtuesofcourage，endurance，foresight，andabstinence——especiallyabstinence。Imyselfhaveeatennothingbutpricklypearsandbroiledrabbitforthreedays。
THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。（Stubbornly]Nomoreain’twe。
MENDOZA。[indignantly]HaveItakenmorethanmyshare？
THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[unmoved]Whyshouldyou？
THEANARCHIST。Whyshouldhenot？Toeachaccordingtohisneeds：
fromeachaccordingtohismeans。
THEFRENCHMAN。[shakinghisfistattheanarchist]Fumiste！
MENDOZA。[diplomatically]Iagreewithbothofyou。
THEGENUINELYENGLISHBRIGANDS。Hear，hear！Bravo，Mendoza！
MENDOZA。WhatIsayis，letustreatoneanotherasgentlemen，andstrivetoexcelinpersonalcourageonlywhenwetakethefield。
THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[derisively]Shikespear。
Awhistlecomesfromthegoatherdonthehill。Hespringsupandpointsexcitedlyforwardalongtheroadtothenorth。
THEGOATHERD。Automobile！Automobile！[Herushesdownthehillandjoinstherest，whoallscrambletotheirfeet]。
MENDOZA。[inringingtones]Toarms！Whohasthegun？
THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[handingarifletoMendoza]Here。
MENDOZA。Havethenailsbeenstrewnintheroad？
THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEM0CRAT。Twoahncesofem。
MENDOZA。Good！[TotheFrenchman]Withme，Duval。Ifthenailsfail，puncturetheirtireswithabullet。[HegivestherifletoDuval，whofollowshimupthehill。Mendozaproducesanoperaglass。Theothershurryacrosstotheroadanddisappeartothenorth]。
MENDOZA。[onthehill，usinghisglass]Twoonly，acapitalistandhischauffeur。TheylookEnglish。
DUVAL。Angliche！Aohyess。Cochons！[Handlingtherifle]Fauttire，n’est—ce—pas？
MENDOZA。No：thenailshavegonehome。Theirtireisdown：theystop。
DUVAL。[shoutingtotheothers]Fondezsureux，nomdeDieu！
MENDOZA。[rebukinghisexcitement]Ducalme，Duval：keepyourhairon。Theytakeitquietly。Letusdescendandreceivethem。
Mendozadescends，passingbehindthefireandcomingforward，whilstTannerandStraker，intheirmotoringgoggles，leathercoats，andcaps，areledinfromtheroadbybrigands。
TANNER。Isthisthegentlemanyoudescribeasyourboss？DoeshespeakEnglish？
THEROWDYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。Coursehedoes。Y’don’tsuppowzweHinglishmenletsahrselvesbebossedbyabloominSpenniard，doyou？
MENDOZA。[withdignity]Allowmetointroducemyself：Mendoza，PresidentoftheLeagueoftheSierra！[Posingloftily]Iamabrigand：Ilivebyrobbingtherich。
TANNER。[promptly]Iamagentleman：Ilivebyrobbingthepoor。
Shakehands。
THEENGLISHSOCIAL—DEMOCRATS。Hear，hear！
Generallaughterandgoodhumor。TannerandMendozashakehands。
TheBrigandsdropintotheirformerplacesSTRAKER。Ere！wheredoIcomein？
TANNER。[introducing]Myfriendandchauffeur。
THESULKYSOCIAL—DEMOCRAT。[suspiciously]Well，whichishe？
friendorshow—foor？Itmakesallthedifferenceyouknow。
MENDOZA。[explaining]Weshouldexpectransomforafriend。A
professionalchauffeurisfreeofthemountains。Heeventakesatriflingpercentageofhisprincpal’sransomifhewillhonorusbyacceptingit。
STRAKER。Isee。Justtoencouragemetocomethiswayagain。
Well，I’llthinkaboutit。
DUVAL。[impulsivelyrushingacrosstoStraker]Monfrere！[Heembraceshimrapturouslyandkisseshimonbothcheeks]。
STRAKER。[disguested]Ere，gitout：don’tbesilly。Whoareyou，pray？
DUVAL。Duval：Social—Democrat。
STRAKER。Oh，you’reaSocial—Democrat，areyou？
THEANARCHIST。Hemeansthathehassoldouttotheparliamentaryhumbugsandthebourgeoisie。Compromise！thatishisfaith。
DUVAL。[furiously]Iunderstandwhathesay。HesayBourgeois。HesayCompromise。Jamaisdelavie！Miserablementeur——
STRAKER。Seehere，CaptainMendoza，owmuchothissortothingdoyouputupwithhere？Areweavinapleasuretripinthemountains，orareweataSocialistmeetin？
THEMAJORITY。Hear，hear！Shutup。Chuckit。Sitdown，etc。etc。
[TheSocial—DemocratsandtheAnarchistarehurtledintothebackground。Straker，aftersuperintendingthisproceedingwithsatisfaction，placeshimselfonMendoza’sleft，Tannerbeingonhisright]。
MENDOZA。Canweofferyouanything？Broiledrabbitandpricklypears——
TANNER。Thankyou：wehavedined。
MENDOZA。[tohisfollowers]Gentlemen：businessisoverfortheday。Goasyoupleaseuntilmorning。
TheBrigandsdisperseintogroupslazily。Somegointothecave。
Otherssitdownorliedowntosleepintheopen。Afewproduceapackofcardsandmoveofftowardstheroad；foritisnowstarlight；andtheyknowthatmotorcarshavelampswhichcanbeturnedtoaccountforlightingacardparty。
STRAKER。[callingafterthem]Don’tnoneofyougofoolingwiththatcar，d’yehear？
MENDOZA。Nofear，MonsieurleChauffeur。Thefirstonewecapturedcuredusofthat。
STRAKER。[interested]Whatdiditdo？
MENDOZA。Itcarriedthreebravecomradesofours，whodidnotknowhowtostopit，intoGranada，andcapsizedthemoppositethepolicestation。Sincethenwenevertouchonewithoutsendingforthechauffeur。Shallwechatatourease？
TANNER。Byallmeans。
Tanner，Mendoza，andStrakersitdownontheturfbythefire。
Mendozadelicatelywaiveshispresidentialdignity，ofwhichtherighttositonthesquaredstoneblockistheappanage，bysittingonthegroundlikehisguests，andusingthestoneonlyasasupportforhisback。
MENDOZA。ItisthecustominSpainalwaystoputoffbusinessuntilto—morrow。Infact，youhavearrivedoutofofficehours。
However，ifyouwouldprefertosettlethequestionofransomatonce，Iamatyourservice。
TANNER。To—morrowwilldoforme。Iamrichenoughtopayanythinginreason。
MENDOZA。[respectfully，muchstruckbythisadmission]Youarearemarkableman，sir。Ourguestsusuallydescribethemselvesasmiserablypoor。
TANNER。Pooh！Miserablypoorpeopledon’townmotorcars。
MENDOZA。Preciselywhatwesaytothem。
TANNER。Treatuswell：weshallnotproveungrateful。
STRAKER。Nopricklypearsandbroiledrabbits，youknow。Don’ttellmeyoucan’tdousabitbetterthanthatifyoulike。
MENDOZA。Wine，kids，milk，cheeseandbreadcanbeprocuredforreadymoney。
STRAKER。[graciously]Nowyou’retalking。
TANNER。AreyouallSocialistshere，mayIask？
MENDOZA。[repudiatingthishumiliatingmisconception]Ohno，no，no：nothingofthekind，Iassureyou。Wenaturallyhavemodernviewsastothejusticeoftheexistingdistributionofwealth：
otherwiseweshouldloseourself—respect。Butnothingthatyoucouldtakeexceptionto，excepttwoorthreefaddists。
TANNER。Ihadnointentionofsuggestinganythingdiscreditable。
Infact，IamabitofaSocialistmyself。
STRAKER。[drily]Mostrichmenare，Inotice。
MENDOZA。Quiteso。Ithasreachedus，Iadmit。Itisintheairofthecentury。
STRAKER。Socialismmustbelookingupabitifyourchapsaretakingtoit。
MENDOZA。Thatistrue，sir。Amovementwhichisconfinedtophilosophersandhonestmencanneverexerciseanyrealpoliticalinfluence：therearetoofewofthem。Untilamovementshowsitselfcapableofspreadingamongbrigands，itcanneverhopeforapoliticalmajority。
TANNER。Butareyourbrigandsanylesshonestthanordinarycitizens？
MENDOZA。Sir：Iwillbefrankwithyou。Brigandageisabnormal。
Abnormalprofessionsattracttwoclasses：thosewhoarenotgoodenoughforordinarybourgeoislifeandthosewhoaretoogoodforit。Wearedregsandscum，sir：thedregsveryfilthy，thescumverysuperior。
STRAKER。Takecare！someothedregs’llhearyou。
MENDOZA。Itdoesnotmatter：eachbrigandthinkshimselfscum，andlikestoheartheotherscalleddregs。
TANNER。Come！youareawit。[Mendozainclineshishead，flattered]。Mayoneaskyouabluntquestion？
MENDOZA。Asbluntasyouplease。
TANNER。Howdoesitpayamanofyourtalenttoshepherdsuchaflockasthisonbroiledrabbitandpricklypears？Ihaveseenmenlessgifted，andI’llswearlesshonest，suppingattheSavoyonfoiegrasandchampagne。
MENDOZA。Pooh！theyhaveallhadtheirturnatthebroiledrabbit，justasIshallhavemyturnattheSavoy。Indeed，Ihavehadaturntherealready——aswaiter。
TANNER。Awaiter！Youastonishme！
MENDOZA。[reflectively]Yes：I，MendozaoftheSierra，wasawaiter。Hence，perhaps，mycosmopolitanism。[Withsuddenintensity]ShallItellyouthestoryofmylife？
STRAKER。[apprehensively]Ifitain’ttoolong，oldchap——
TANNER。[interruptinghim]Tsh—sh：youareaPhilistine，Henry：
youhavenoromanceinyou。[ToMendoza]Youinterestmeextremely，President。NevermindHenry：hecangotosleep。
MENDOZA。ThewomanIloved——
STRAKER。Oh，thisisalovestory，isit？Rightyouare。Goon：I
wasonlyafraidyouweregoingtotalkaboutyourself。
MENDOZA。Myself！Ihavethrownmyselfawayforhersake：thatiswhyIamhere。Nomatter：Icounttheworldwelllostforher。
Shehad，Ipledgeyoumyword，themostmagnificentheadofhairIeversaw。Shehadhumor；shehadintellect；shecouldcooktoperfection；andherhighlystrungtemperamentmadeheruncertain，incalculable，variable，capricious，cruel，inaword，enchanting。
STRAKER。Asixshillinnovelsortowoman，allbutthecookin。ErnamewasLadyGladysPlantagenet，wasn’tit？
MENDOZA。No，sir：shewasnotanearl’sdaughter。Photography，reproducedbythehalf—toneprocess，hasmademefamiliarwiththeappearanceofthedaughtersoftheEnglishpeerage；andIcanhonestlysaythatIwouldhavesoldthelot，faces，dowries，clothes，titles，andall，forasmilefromthiswoman。Yetshewasawomanofthepeople，aworker：otherwise——letmereciprocateyourbluntness——Ishouldhavescornedher。
TANNER。Veryproperly。Anddidsherespondtoyourlove？
MENDOZA。ShouldIbehereifshedid？SheobjectedtomarryaJew。
TANNER。Onreligiousgrounds？
MENDOZA。No：shewasafreethinker。ShesaidthateveryJewconsidersinhisheartthatEnglishpeoplearedirtyintheirhabits。
TANNER。[surprised]Dirty！
MENDOZA。Itshowedherextraordinaryknowledgeoftheworld；foritisundoubtedlytrue。OurelaboratesanitarycodemakesusundulycontemptuousoftheGentile。
TANNER。Didyoueverhearthat，Henry？
STRAKER。I’veheardmysistersayso。ShewascookinaJewishfamilyonce。
MENDOZA。Icouldnotdenyit；neithercouldIeradicatetheimpressionitmadeonhermind。Icouldhavegotroundanyotherobjection；butnowomancanstandasuspicionofindelicacyastoherperson。Myentreatieswereinvain：shealwaysretortedthatshewasn’tgoodenoughforme，andrecommendedmetomarryanaccursedbarmaidnamedRebeccaLazarus，whomIloathed。Italkedofsuicide：sheofferedmeapacketofbeetlepoisontodoitwith。Ihintedatmurder：shewentintohysterics；andasIamalivingmanIwenttoAmericasothatshemightsleepwithoutdreamingthatIwasstealingupstairstocutherthroat。InAmericaIwentoutwestandfellinwithamanwhowaswantedbythepoliceforholdinguptrains。Itwashewhohadtheideaofholdingupmotorscars——intheSouthofEurope：awelcomeideatoadesperateanddisappointedman。Hegavemesomevaluableintroductionstocapitalistsoftherightsort。Iformedasyndicate；andthepresententerpriseistheresult。Ibecameleader，astheJewalwaysbecomesleader，byhisbrainsandimagination。ButwithallmyprideofraceIwouldgiveeverythingIpossesstobeanEnglishman。Iamlikeaboy：Icuthernameonthetreesandherinitialsonthesod。WhenIamaloneIliedownandtearmywretchedhairandcryLouisa——
STRAKER。[startled]Louisa！
MENDOZA。Itishername——Louisa——LouisaStraker——
TANNER。Straker！
STRAKER。[scramblinguponhiskneesmostindignantly]Lookhere：
LouisaStrakerismysister，see？Wotdoyoumeanbygassinaboutherlikethis？Wotshegottodowithyou？
MENDOZA。Adramaticcoincidence！YouareEnry，herfavoritebrother！
STRAKER。OoareyoucallinEnry？Whatcallhaveyoutotakealibertywithmynameorwithhers？FortwopinsI’dpunchyourfated，soIwould。
MENDOZA。[withgrandiosecalm]IfIletyoudoit，willyoupromisetobragofitafterwardstoher？ShewillberemindedofherMendoza：thatisallIdesire。
TANNER。Thisisgenuinedevotion，Henry。Youshouldrespectit。
STRAKER。[fiercely]Funk，morelikely。
MENDOZA。[springingtohisfeet]Funk！Youngman：Icomeofafamousfamilyoffighters；andasyoursisterwellknows，youwouldhaveasmuchchanceagainstmeasaperambulatoragainstyourmotorcar。
STRAKER。[secretlydaunted，butrisingfromhiskneeswithanairofrecklesspugnacity]Iain’tafraidofyou。WithyourLouisa！
Louisa！MissStrakerisgoodenoughforyou，Ishouldthink。
MENDOZA。Iwishyoucouldpersuadehertothinkso。
STRAKER。[exasperated]Here——
TANNER。[risingquicklyandinterposing]Ohcome，Henry：evenifyoucouldfightthePresidentyoucan’tfightthewholeLeagueoftheSierra。Sitdownagainandbefriendly。Acatmaylookataking；andevenaPresidentofbrigandsmaylookatyoursister。
Allthisfamilyprideisreallyveryoldfashioned。
STRAKER。[subdued，butgrumbling]Lethimlookather。Butwotdoeshemeanbymakinoutthatsheeverlookedatim？
[Reluctantlyresuminghiscouchontheturf]Earhimtalk，oneudthinkshewaskeepincompanywithhim。[Heturnshisbackonthemandcomposeshimselftosleep]。