CCXCV
MARKTWAIN’SRELIGION
Thereissuchafinalityaboutdeath；howeverinterestingitmaybeasanexperience，onecannotdiscussitafterwardwithone’sfriends。IhavethoughtitagreatpitythatMarkTwaincouldnotdiscuss，withHowellssay，orwithTwichell，thesensationsandtheparticularsofthechange，supposingtherebearecognizablechange，inthattransitionofwhichwehavespeculatedsomuch，withsuchslenderreturns。Nooneeverdebatedtheundiscoveredcountrymorethanhe。Inhiswhimsical，semi—seriousfashionhehadconsideredallthepossibilitiesofthefuturestate——
orthodoxandotherwise——andhaddrawnpicturesquelyoriginalconclusions。
HehadsentCaptainStormfieldinadreamtoreporttheaspectsoftheearlyChristianheaven。Hehadexaminedthescientificaspectsofthemoresubtlephilosophies。Hehadconsideredspiritualism，transmigration，thevariousesotericdoctrines，andintheendhehadlogicallymadeuphismindthatdeathconcludesall，whilewiththatlesslogicalhungerwhichsurvivesineveryhumanhearthehadneverceasedtoexpectanexistencebeyondthegrave。Hisdisbeliefandhispessimismwereidenticalintheirstructure。Theywereofhismind；neverofhisheart。
Onceawomansaidtohim：
\"Mr。Clemens，youarenotapessimist，youonlythinkyouare。\"Andshemighthaveadded，withequalforceandtruth：
\"Youarenotadisbelieverinimmortality；youonlythinkyouare。\"
Nothingcouldhaveconveyedmoretrulyhisattitudetowardlifeanddeath。HisbeliefinGod，theCreator，wasabsolute；butitwasaGodfarremovedfromtheCreatorofhisearlyteaching。EverymanbuildshisGodaccordingtohisowncapacities。MarkTwain’sGodwasofcolossalproportions——sovast，indeed，thattheconstellatedstarswerebutmoleculesinHisveins——aGodasbigasspaceitself。
MarkTwainhadmanymoods，andhedidnotalwaysapproveofhisownGod；
butwhenhealteredhisconception，itwaslikelytobeinthedirectionofenlargement——afurtherremovalfromthehumanconception，andtheproblemofwhatwecallourlives。
In1906hewrote：——[Seealso1870，chap。lxxviii；1899，chap。ccv；andvarioustalks，1906—07，etc。]
LetusnowconsidertherealGod，thegenuineGod，thegreatGod，thesublimeandsupremeGod，theauthenticCreatoroftherealuniverse，whoseremotenessesarevisitedbycometsonlycometsuntowhichincredibledistantNeptuneismerelyanoutpost，aSandyHooktohomeward—boundspectersofthedeepsofspacethathavenotglimpseditbeforeforgenerations——auniversenotmadewithhandsandsuitedtoanastronomicalnursery，butspreadabroadthroughtheillimitablereachesofspacebytheflatoftherealGodjustmentioned，bycomparisonwithwhomthegodswhosemyriadsinfestthefeebleimaginationsofmenareasaswarmofgnatsscatteredandlostintheinfinitudesoftheemptysky。
Atanearlierperiod—thedateisnotexactlyfixable，butthestationeryusedandthehandwritingsuggesttheearlyeighties——hesetdownafewconciselywrittenpagesofconclusions——conclusionsfromwhichhedidnotdeviatemateriallyinafteryears。Thedocumentfollows：
IbelieveinGodtheAlmighty。
IdonotbelieveHehaseversentamessagetomanbyanybody，ordeliveredonetohimbywordofmouth，ormadeHimselfvisibletomortaleyesatanytimeinanyplace。
IbelievethattheOldandNewTestamentswereimaginedandwrittenbyman，andthatnolineinthemwasauthorizedbyGod，muchlessinspiredbyHim。
Ithinkthegoodness，thejustice，andthemercyofGodaremanifestedinHisworks：Iperceivethattheyaremanifestedtowardmeinthislife；thelogicalconclusionisthattheywillbemanifestedtowardmeinthelifetocome，ifthereshouldbeone。
Idonotbelieveinspecialprovidences。Ibelievethattheuniverseisgovernedbystrictandimmutablelaws：Ifoneman’sfamilyissweptawaybyapestilenceandanotherman’sspareditisonlythelawworking：Godisnotinterferinginthatsmallmatter，eitheragainsttheonemanorinfavoroftheother。
Icannotseehoweternalpunishmenthereaftercouldaccomplishanygoodend，thereforeIamnotabletobelieveinit。Tochastenamaninordertoperfecthimmightbereasonableenough；toannihilatehimwhenheshallhaveprovedhimselfincapableofreachingperfectionmightbereasonableenough；buttoroasthimforeverforthemeresatisfactionofseeinghimroastwouldnotbereasonable——eventheatrociousGodimaginedbytheJewswouldtireofthespectacleeventually。
Theremaybeahereafterandtheremaynotbe。Iamwhollyindifferentaboutit。IfIamappointedtoliveagainIfeelsureitwillbeforsomemoresaneandusefulpurposethantoflounderaboutforagesinalakeoffireandbrimstoneforhavingviolatedaconfusionofill—definedandcontradictoryrulessaidbutnotevidencedtobeofdivineinstitution。IfannihilationistofollowdeathIshallnotbeawareoftheannihilation，andthereforeshallnotcareastrawaboutit。
Ibelievethattheworld’smorallawsaretheoutcomeoftheworld’sexperience。ItneedednoGodtocomedownoutofheaventotellmenthatmurderandtheftandtheotherimmoralitieswerebad，bothfortheindividualwhocommitsthemandforsocietywhichsuffersfromthem。
IfIbreakallthesemorallawsIcannotseehowIinjureGodbyit，forHeisbeyondthereachofinjuryfromme——Icouldaseasilyinjureaplanetbythrowingmudatit。Itseemstomethatmymisconductcouldonlyinjuremeandothermen。IcannotbenefitGodbyobeyingthesemorallaws——Icouldaseasilybenefittheplanetbywithholdingmymud。LetthesesentencesbereadinthelightofthefactthatIbelieveIhavereceivedmorallawsonlyfromman—
nonewhateverfromGod。ConsequentlyIdonotseewhyIshouldbeeitherpunishedorrewardedhereafterforthedeedsIdohere。
IfthetragediesoflifeshookhisfaithinthegoodnessandjusticeandthemercyofGodasmanifestedtowardhimself，heatanyrateneverquestionedthatthewiderschemeoftheuniversewasattunedtotheimmutablelawwhichcontemplatesnothinglessthanabsoluteharmony。I
neverknewhimtorefertothisparticulardocument；butheneverdestroyeditandneveramendedit，norisitlikelythathewouldhavedoneeitherhaditbeenpresentedtohimforconsiderationevenduringthelastyearofhislife。
Hewasneverintentionallydogmatic。Inamemorandumonafly—leafofMoncureD。Conway’sSacredAnthologyhewrote：
RELIGION
TheeasyconfidencewithwhichIknowanotherman’sreligionisfollyteachesmetosuspectthatmyownisalso。
MARKTWAIN，19thCent。A。D。
Andinanothernote：
Iwouldnotinterferewithanyone’sreligion，eithertostrengthenitortoweakenit。Iamnotabletobelieveone’sreligioncanaffecthishereafteronewayortheother，nomatterwhatthatreligionmaybe。Butitmayeasilybeagreatcomforttohiminthislifehenceitisavaluablepossessiontohim。
MarkTwain’sreligionwasafaithtoowidefordoctrines——abenevolencetoolimitlessforcreeds。Fromthebeginninghestroveagainstoppression，sham，andevilineveryform。Hedespisedmeanness；heresentedwitheverydropofbloodinhimanythingthatsavoredofpersecutionoracurtailmentofhumanliberties。Itwasareligionidentifiedwithhisdailylifeandhiswork。Helivedashewrote，andhewroteashebelieved。Hisfavoriteweaponwashumor——good—humor——withlogicbehindit。Asortofglorifiedtruthitwastruthwearingasmileofgentleness，henceallthemorequicklyheeded。
\"Hewillberememberedwiththegreathumoristsofalltime，\"saysHowells，\"withCervantes，withSwift，orwithanyothersworthyofhiscompany；noneofthemwashisequalinhumanity。\"
MarkTwainunderstoodtheneedsofmenbecausehewashimselfsupremelyhuman。Inoneofhisdictationshesaid：
IhavefoundthatthereisnoingredientoftheracewhichIdonotpossessineitherasmalloralargeway。Whenitissmall，ascomparedwiththesameingredientinsomebodyelse，thereisstillenoughofitforallthepurposesofexamination。
Withhisstrengthhehadinheritedtheweaknessesofourkind。Withhim，aswithanother，amyriadofdreamsandschemesandpurposesdailyflittedby。Withhim，aswithanother，thespiritofdesireledhimoftentoahighmountain—top，andwasnotrudelyputaside，butlingeringly——andofteninvitedtoreturn。Withhim，aswithanother，acrowdofjealousiesandresentments，andwishesfortheillofothers，dailywentseethingandscorchingalongthehighwaysofthesoul。Withhim，aswithanother，regret，remorse，andshamestoodatthebedsideduringlongwatchesofthenight；andintheend，withhim，thebetterthingtriumphed——forgivenessandgenerosityandjustice——inaword，Humanity。CertainofhisaphorismsandmemorandaeachinitselfconstitutesanepitomeofMarkTwain’screed。Hisparaphrase，\"Whenindoubttellthetruth，\"isoneofthese，andheembodiedhiswholeattitudetowardInfinitywheninoneofhisstraypencilingshewrote：
Why，evenpoorlittleungodlikemanholdshimselfresponsibleforthewelfareofhischildtotheextentofhisability。ItisallthatwerequireofGod。
CCXCVI
POSTSCRIPT
Everylifeisadrama——aplayinallitsparticulars；comedy，farce，tragedy——alltheelementsarethere。Toexamineindetailanylife，howeverconspicuousorobscure，istobecomeamazednotonlyattheinevitablesequenceofevents，butattheinterlinkingofdetails，oftenfarremoved，intoamarvelouslyintricatepatternwhichnoartcanhopetoreproduce，andcanonlyfeeblyimitate。
Thebiographermayreconstructanepisode，presentapicture，orreflectamoodbywhichthereaderisenabledtofeelsomethingoftheglowofpersonalityandknow，perhaps，alittleofthesubstanceofthepast。Insofarasthehistoriancanaccomplishthishisworkisasuccess。Atbesthislaborwillbepatheticallyincomplete，forwhateveritsdetailanditsresemblancetolife，thesewillrecordmainlybutanoutwardexpression，behindwhichwasthemightysweepandtumultofunwrittenthought，theoverwhelmingproportionofanylife，whichnootherhumansoulcaneverreallyknow。
MarkTwain’sappearanceonthestageoftheworldwasasuccessionofdramaticmoments。Hewasalwaysexactlyinthesetting。Whateverhedid，orwhatevercametohim，wastimedfortheinstantofgreatesteffect。Attheendhewasmorewidelyobservedandlovedandhonoredthaneverbefore，andattherightmomentandintherightmannerhedied。
Howlittleonemaytellofsuchalifeashis！Hetraveledalwayssuchabroadandbrillianthighway，withplumesflyingandcrowdsfollowingafter。Suchawhirlingpanoramaoflife，anddeath，andchange！Ihavewrittensomuch，andyetIhaveputsomuchaside——andoftenthebestthings，itseemedafterward，perhapsbecauseeachinitswaywasbestandthevarietyinfinite。Onemayonlystrivetobefaithful——andIwouldhavemadeitbetterifIcould。
APPENDIX
APPENDIXA
LETTERFROMORIONCLEMENSTOMISSWOODCONCERNINGHENRYCLEMENS
SeeChapterxxvi
KEOKUK，Iowa，October3，1858。
MISSWOOD，——Mymotherhavingsentmeyourkindletter，witharequestthatmyselfandwifeshouldwritetoyou，Ihastentodoso。
InmymemoryIcangoawaybacktoHenry’sinfancy；Iseehislarge，blueeyesintentlyregardingmyfatherwhenherebukedhimforhiscredulityingivingfullfaithtotheboyishideaofplantinghismarbles，expectingacroptherefrom；thencomesbacktherecollectionofthetimewhen，standingwethreealonebyourfather’sgrave，Itoldthemalwaystorememberthatbrothersshouldbekindtoeachother；afterwardIseeHenryreturningfromschoolwithhisbooksforthelasttime。Hemustgointomyprinting—office。Helearnedrapidly。Awordofencouragementorawordofdiscouragementtolduponhisorganizationelectrically。I
couldseetheeffectsinhisday’swork。SometimesIwouldsay，\"Henry！\"
Hewouldstandfullfrontwithhiseyesuponmine——allattention。IfI
commandedhimtodosomething，withoutawordhewasoffinstantly，probablyinarun。IfacatwastobedrownedorshotSamthoughunwillingyetfirmwasselectedforthework。IfastraykittenwastobefedandtakencareofHenrywasexpectedtoattendtoit，andhewouldfaithfullydoso。Sotheygrewup，andmanywasthegravelecturecommencedbyma，totheeffectthatSamwasmisleadingandspoilingHenry。Butthelectureswereneverconcluded，forSamwouldreplywithawitticism，ordry，unexpectedhumor，thatwoulddrivethelecturecleanoutofmymother’smind，andchangeittoalaugh。Thosewerehappierdays。Mymotherwasaslivelyasanygirlofsixteen。Sheisnotsonow。AndsisterPamelaIhavedescribedindescribingHenry；forshewashiscounterpart。Theblowfallscrushinglyonher。Buttheboysgrewup——Samarugged，brave，quick—tempered，generous—heartedfellow，Henryquiet，observing，thoughtful，leaningonSamforprotection；SamandI
tooleaningonhimforknowledgepickedupfromconversationorbooks，forHenryseemednevertoforgetanything，anddevotedmuchofhisleisurehourstoreading。
Henryisgone！Hisdeathwashorrible！HowIcouldhavesatbyhim，hungoverhim，watcheddayandnighteverychangeofexpression，andministeredtoeverywantinmypowerthatIcoulddiscover。Thiswasdeniedtome，butSam，whoseorganizationissuchastofeeltheutmostextremeofeveryfeeling，wasthere。Bothhiscapacityofenjoymentandhiscapacityofsufferingaregreaterthanmine；andknowinghowitwouldhaveaffectedmetoseesosadascene，IcansomewhatappreciateSam’ssufferings。Inthistimeofgreattrouble，whenmytwobrothers，whoseheartstringshavealwaysbeenapartofmyown，weresufferingtheutmoststretchofmortalendurance，youwerethere，likeagoodangel，toaidandconsole，andIblessandthankyouforitwithmywholeheart。I
thankallwhohelpedthemthen；IthankthemfortheflowerstheysenttoHenry，forthetearsthatfellfortheirsufferings，andwhenhedied，andallofthemforallthekindattentionstheybestoweduponthepoorboys。Wethankthephysicians，andweshallalwaysgratefullyrememberthekindnessofthegentlemanwhoatsomuchexpensetohimselfenabledustodepositHenry’sremainsbyourfather。
Withmanykindwishesforyourfuturewelfare，Iremainyourearnestfriend，Respectfully，ORIONCLEMENS。
APPENDIXB
MARKTWAIN’SBURLESQUEOFCAPTAINISAIAHSELLERS
SeeChapterxxvii
Theitemwhichservedasatextforthe\"SergeantFathom\"communicationwasasfollows：
VICKSBURG，May4，1859。
MyopinionforthebenefitofthecitizensofNewOrleans：Thewaterishigherthisfarupthanithasbeensince1815。MyopinionisthatthewaterwillbefourfeetdeepinCanalStreetbeforethefirstofnextJune。Mrs。Turner’splantationattheheadofBigBlackIslandisallunderwater，andithasnotbeensince1815。
I。SELLERS。——[CaptainSellers，asinthiscase，sometimessignedhisownnametohiscommunications。]
THEBURLESQUE
INTRODUCTORY
OurfriendSergeantFathom，oneoftheoldestcubpilotsontheriver，andnowontheRailroadLinesteamerTrombone，sendsusaratherbadaccountconcerningthestateoftheriver。SergeantFathomisa\"cub\"ofmuchexperience，andalthoughweareloathtocoincideinhisviewofthematter，wegivehisnoteaplaceinourcolumns，onlyhopingthathisprophecywillnotbeverifiedinthisinstance。WhileintroducingtheSergeant，\"weconsideritbutsimplejusticewequotefromafriendofhistoremarkthatheisdistinguishedforbeing，inpilotphrase，’close，’aswellassuperhumanly’safe。’\"Itisawell—knownfactthathehasmadefourteenhundredandfiftytripsintheNewOrleansandSt。
Louistradewithoutcausingseriousdamagetoasteamboat。Thisastonishingsuccessisattributedtothefactthatheseldomrunshisboatafterearlycandle—light。ItisrelatedoftheSergeantthatupononeoccasionheactuallyranthechuteofGlasscock’sIsland，down—
stream，inthenight，andatatime，too，whentheriverwasscarcelymorethanbankfull。Hismethodofaccomplishingthisfeatproveswhatwehavejustsaidofhis\"safeness\"——hesoundedthechutefirst，andthenbuiltafireattheheadoftheislandtorunby。AstotheSergeant’s\"closeness，\"wehavehearditwhisperedthatheoncewentuptotherightofthe\"OldHen，\"——[Glasscock’sIslandandthe\"OldHen\"werephenomenallysafeplaces。]——butthisisprobablyapardonablelittleexaggeration，promptedbytheloveandadmirationinwhichheisheldbyvariousancientdamesofhisacquaintanceforalbeittheSergeantmayhavealreadynumberedtheallottedyearsofman，stillhisformiserect，hisstepisfirm，hishairretainsitssablehue，and，morethanall，hehathawinningwayabouthim，anairofdocilityandsweetness，ifyouwill，andasmoothnessofspeech，togetherwithanexhaustlessfundoffunnysayings；and，lastly，anoverflowingstream，withoutbeginning，ormiddle，orend，ofastonishingreminiscencesoftheancientMississippi，which，takentogether，forma’toutensemble’whichissufficientexcuseforthetenderepithetwhichis，bycommonconsent，appliedtohimbyallthoseancientdamesaforesaid，of\"che—armingcreature！\"。AstheSergeanthasbeenlongerontheriver，andisbetteracquaintedwithitthananyother\"cub\"extant，hisremarksareentitledtofarmoreconsideration，andarealwaysreadwiththedeepestinterestbyhighandlow，richandpoor，from\"Kiho\"toKamschatka，forletitbeknownthathisfameextendstotheuttermostpartsoftheearth：
THECOMMUNICATION
R。R。SteamerTrombone，VICKSBURG，May8，1859。
TheriverfromNewOrleansuptoNatchezishigherthanithasbeensincetheniggerswereexecutedwhichwasinthefallof1813andmyopinionisthatiftherisecontinuesatthisratethewaterwillbeontheroofoftheSt。CharlesHotelbeforethemiddleofJanuary。ThepointatCairo，whichhasnotevenbeenmoistenedbytheriversince1813，isnowentirelyunderwater。
However，Mr。Editor，theinhabitantsoftheMississippiValleyshouldnotactprecipitatelyandselltheirplantationsatasacrificeonaccountofthisprophecyofmine，forIshallproceedtoconvincethemofagreatfactinregardtothismatter，viz。：thatthetendencyoftheMississippiistoriselessandlesshigheveryyearwithanoccasionalvariationoftherule，thatsuchhasbeenthecaseformanycenturies，andeventuallythatitwillceasetoriseatall。Therefore，Iwouldhinttotheplanters，aswesayinaninnocentlittleparlorgamecommonlycalled\"draw，\"thatiftheycanonly\"standtherise\"thistimetheymayenjoythecomfortableassurancethattheoldriver’sbankswillneverholda\"full\"againduringtheirnaturallives。
Inthesummerof1763IcamedowntheriverontheoldfirstJubilee。
Shewasnewthen，however；asingularsortofasingle—engineboat，withaChinesecaptainandaChoctawcrew，forecastleonherstern，wheelsinthecenter，andthejackstaff\"nowhere，\"forIsteeredherwithawindow—
shutter，andwhenwewantedtolandwesentalineashoreand\"roundedherto\"withayokeofoxen。
Well，sir，wewoodedoffthetopofthebigbluffaboveSelmatheonlydrylandvisible——andwaitedtherethreeweeks，swappingknivesandplaying\"sevenup\"withtheIndians，waitingfortherivertofall。Finally，itfellaboutahundredfeet，andwewenton。Onedayweroundedto，andI
gotinahorse—trough，whichmypartnerborrowedfromtheIndiansupthereatSelmawhiletheywereatprayers，andwentdowntosoundaroundNo。8，andwhileIwasgonemypartnergotagroundonthehillsatHickman。Afterthreedays’laborwefinallysucceededinsparringheroffwithacapstanbar，andwentontoMemphis。BythetimewegottheretheriverhadsubsidedtosuchanextentthatwewereabletolandwheretheGayosoHousenowstands。WefinishedloadingatMemphis，andloadedpartofthestoneforthepresentSt。LouisCourtHousewhichwastheninprocessoferection，tobetakenuponourreturntrip。
Youcanformsomeconception，bythesememoranda，ofhowhighthewaterwasin1763。In1775itdidnotrisesohighbythirtyfeet；
in1790itmissedtheoriginalmarkatleastsixty—fivefeet；in1797，onehundredandfiftyfeet；andin1806，nearlytwohundredandfiftyfeet。Thesewere\"high—water\"years。The\"highwaters\"sincethenhavebeensoinsignificantthatIhavescarcelytakenthetroubletonoticethem。Thus，youwillperceivethattheplantersneednotfeeluneasy。Therivermaymakeanoccasionalspasmodiceffortataflood，butthetimeisapproachingwhenitwillceasetorisealtogether。
Inconclusion，sir，Iwillcondescendtohintatthefoundationofthesearguments：WhenmeandDeSotodiscoveredtheMississippiIcouldstandatBolivarLandingseveralmilesabove\"RoaringWatersBar\"andpitchabiscuittothemainshoreontheotherside，andinlowwaterwewadedacrossatDonaldsonville。Thegradualwideninganddeepeningoftheriveristhewholesecretofthematter。
Yours，etc。
SERGEANTFATHOM。
APPENDIXC
I
MARKTWAIN’SEMPIRECITYHOAX
SeeChapterxli
THELATESTSENSATION
AVictimtoJeremyDiddlingTrustees——HeCutshisThroatfromEartoEar，ScalpshisWife，andDashesOuttheBrainsofSixHelplessChildren！
FromAbramCurry，whoarrivedhereyesterdayafternoonfromCarson，welearnthefollowingparticularsconcerningabloodymassacrewhichwascommittedinOrmsbyCountynightbeforelast。ItseemsthatduringthepastsixmonthsamannamedP。Hopkins，orPhilipHopkins，hasbeenresidingwithhisfamilyintheoldlog—housejustattheedgeofthegreatpineforestwhichliesbetweenEmpireCityandDutchNick’s。Thefamilyconsistedofninechildren——fivegirlsandfourboys——theoldestofthegroup，Mary，beingnineteenyearsold，andtheyoungest，Tommy，aboutayearandahalf。TwiceinthepasttwomonthsMrs。Hopkins，whilevisitingCarson，expressedfearsconcerningthesanityofherhusband，remarkingthatoflatehehadbeensubjecttofitsofviolence，andthatduringtheprevalenceofoneofthesehehadthreatenedtotakeherlife。ItwasMrs。Hopkins’smisfortunetobegiventoexaggeration，however，andbutlittleattentionwasgiventowhatshesaid。
About10o’clockonMondayeveningHopkinsdashedintoCarsononhorseback，withhisthroatcutfromeartoear，andbearinginhishandareekingscalp，fromwhichthewarm，smokingbloodwasstilldripping，andfellinadyingconditioninfrontoftheMagnoliasaloon。Hopkinsexpired，inthecourseoffiveminutes，withoutspeaking。Thelong，redhairofthescalpheboremarkeditasthatofMrs。Hopkins。Anumberofcitizens，headedbySheriffGasherie，mountedatonceandrodedowntoHopkins’shouse，whereaghastlyscenemettheireyes。ThescalplesscorpseofMrs。Hopkinslayacrossthethreshold，withherheadsplitopenandherrighthandalmostseveredfromthewrist。Nearherlaytheaxwithwhichthemurderousdeedhadbeencommitted。Inoneofthebedroomssixofthechildrenwerefound，oneinbedandtheothersscatteredaboutthefloor。Theywerealldead。Theirbrainshadevidentlybeendashedoutwithaclub，andeverymarkaboutthemseemedtohavebeenmadewithabluntinstrument。Thechildrenmusthavestruggledhardfortheirlives，asarticlesofclothingandbrokenfurniturewerestrewnabouttheroomintheutmostconfusion。JuliaandEmma，agedrespectivelyfourteenandseventeen，werefoundinthekitchen，bruisedandinsensible，butitisthoughttheirrecoveryispossible。Theeldestgirl，Mary，musthavesoughtrefuge，inherterror，inthegarret，asherbodywasfoundtherefrightfullymutilated，andtheknifewithwhichherwoundshadbeeninflictedstillstickinginherside。ThetwogirlsJuliaandEmma，whohadrecoveredsufficientlytobeabletotalkyesterdaymorning，declarethattheirfatherknockedthemdownwithabilletofwoodandstampedonthem。Theythinktheywerethefirstattacked。TheyfurtherstatethatHopkinshadshownevidenceofderangementallday，buthadexhibitednoviolence。Heflewintoapassionandattemptedtomurderthembecausetheyadvisedhimtogotobedandcomposehismind。
CurrysaysHopkinswasaboutforty—twoyearsofage，andanativeofwesternPennsylvania；hewasalwaysaffableandpolite，anduntilveryrecentlynoonehadeverheardofhisill—treatinghisfamily。HehadbeenaheavyownerinthebestminesofVirginiaandGoldHill，butwhentheSanFranciscopapersexposedourgameofcookingdividendsinordertobolsterupourstockshegrewafraidandsoldout，andinvestedanimmenseamountintheSpringValleyWaterCompany，ofSanFrancisco。Hewasadvisedtodothisbyarelativeofhis，oneoftheeditorsoftheSanFranciscoBulletin，whohadsufferedpecuniarilybythedividend—
cookingsystemasappliedtotheDaneyMiningCompanyrecently。HopkinshadnotlongceasedtoowninthevariousclaimsontheComstocklead，however，whenseveraldividendswerecookedonhisnewlyacquiredproperty，theirwatertotallydriedup，andSpringValleystockwentdowntonothing。Itispresumedthatthismisfortunedrovehimmad，andresultedinhiskillinghimselfandthegreaterportionofhisfamily。
ThenewspapersofSanFranciscopermittedthiswatercompanytogoonborrowingmoneyandcookingdividends，undercoverofwhichthecunningfinancierscreptoutofthetotteringconcern，leavingthecrashtocomeuponpoorandunsuspectingstockholders，withoutofferingtoexposethevillainyatwork。Wehopethefearfulmassacredetailedabovemayprovethesaddestresultoftheirsilence。
II
NEWS—GATHERINGWITHMARKTWAIN
AlfredDoten’ssongivesthefollowingaccountofareportingtripmadebyhisfatherandMarkTwain，whenthetwowereonComstockpapers：
MyfatherandMarkTwainwereoncedetailedtogoovertoComoandwriteupsomenewminesthathadbeendiscoveredoverthere。MyfatherwasontheGoldHillNews。HeandMarkhadnotmetbefore，butbecamepromptlyacquainted，andweresooncallingeachotherbytheirfirstnames。
TheywenttoalittlehotelatCarson，agreeingtodotheirworktheretogethernextmorning。Whenmorningcametheysetout，andsuddenlyonacornerMarkstoppedandturnedtomyfather，saying：
\"Bygracious，Alf！Isn’tthatabrewery？\"
\"Itis，Mark。Let’sgoin。\"
Theydidso，andremainedthereallday，swappingyarns，sippingbeer，andlunching，goingbacktothehotelthatnight。
Thenextmorningpreciselythesamethingoccurred。Whentheywereonthesamecorner，Markstoppedasifhehadneverbeentherebefore，andsand：
\"Goodgracious，Alf！Isn’tthatabrewery？\"
\"Itis，Mark。Let’sgoin。\"
Soagaintheywentin，andagainstayedallday。
Thishappenedagainthenextmorning，andthenext。Thenmyfatherbecameuneasy。AletterhadcomefromGoldHill，askinghimwherehisreportofthemineswas。Theyagreedthatnextmorningtheywouldreallybeginthestory；thattheywouldclimbtothetopofahillthatoverlookedthemines，andwriteitfromthere。
Butthenextmorning，asbefore，Markwassurprisedtodiscoverthebrewery，andoncemoretheywentin。Afewmomentslater，however，amanwhoknewallaboutthemines——aminingengineerconnectedwiththem——camein。Hewasagodsend。Myfathersetdownavaluable，informingstory，whileMarkgotalotofentertainingminingyarnsoutofhim。
NextdayVirginiaCityandGoldHillweregaininginformationfrommyfather’sarticle，andentertainmentfromMark’sstoryofthemines。
APPENDIXD
FROMMARKTWAIN’SFIRSTLECTURE，DELIVEREDOCTOBER2，1866
SeeChapterliv
HAWAIIANIMPORTANCETOAMERICA
AfterafullelucidationofthesugarindustryoftheSandwichIslands，itsprofitsandpossibilities，hesaid：
IhavedweltuponthissubjecttoshowyouthattheseislandshaveagenuineimportancetoAmerica——animportancewhichisnotgenerallyappreciatedbyourcitizens。TheypayrevenuesintotheUnitedStatesTreasurynowamountingtooverahalfamillionayear。
Idonotknowwhatthesugaryieldoftheworldisnow，buttenyearsago，accordingtothePatentOfficereports，itwas800，000hogsheads。
TheSandwichIslands，properlycultivatedbygo—aheadAmericans，arecapableofprovidingone—thirdasmuchthemselves。WiththePacificRailroadbuilt，thegreatChinaMailLineofsteamerstouchingatHonolulu——wecouldstocktheislandswithAmericansandsupplyathirdofthecivilizedworldwithsugar——andwiththesilkiest，longest—stapledcottonthissideoftheSeaIslands，andtheverybestqualityofrice……Thepropertyhasgottofalltosomeheir，andwhynottheUnitedStates？
NATIVEPASSIONFORFUNERALS
Theyareveryfondoffunerals。Bigfuneralsaretheirmainweakness。
Finegraveclothes，finefuneralappointments，andalongprocessionarethingstheytakeagenerousdelightin。Theyarefondoftheirchiefandtheirking；theyreverencethemwithagenuinereverenceandlovethemwithawarmaffection，andoftenlookforwardtothehappinesstheywillexperienceinburyingthem。Theywillbeg，borrow，orstealmoneyenough，andflockfromalltheislands，tobepresentataroyalfuneralonOahu。YearsagoaKanakaandhiswifewerecondemnedtobehangedformurder。Theyreceivedthesentencewithmanifestsatisfactionbecauseitgaveanopeningforafuneral，youknow。Alltheycareforisafuneral。
Itmakesbutlittledifferencetothemwhoseitis；theywouldassoonattendtheirownfuneralasanybodyelse’s。Thiscouplewerepeopleofconsequence，andhadlandedestates。Theysoldeveryfootofgroundtheyhadandlaiditoutinfineclothestobehungin。Andthewomanappearedonthescaffoldinawhitesatindressandslippersandfathomsofgaudyribbon，andthemanwasarrayedinagorgeousvest，blueclaw—
hammercoatandbrassbuttons，andwhitekidgloves。Asthenoosewasadjustedaroundhisneck，heblewhisnosewithagrandtheatricalflourish，soastoshowhisembroideredwhitehandkerchief。Inever，neverknewofacouplewhoenjoyedhangingmorethantheydid。
VIEWFROMHALEAKALA
ItisasolemnpleasuretostanduponthesummitoftheextinctcraterofHaleakala，tenthousandfeetabovethesea，andgazedownintoitsawfulcrater，27milesincircumferenceandagofeetdeep，andtopicturetoyourselftheseethingworldoffirethatoncesweptupoutofthetremendousabyssagesago。
Theprodigiousfunnelisdeadandsilentnow，andevenhasbushesgrowingfardowninitsbottom，wherethedeep—sealinecouldhardlyhavereachedintheoldtimes，whentheplacewasfilledwithliquidlava。Thesebusheslooklikeparlorshrubsfromthesummitwhereyoustand，andthefileofvisitorsmovingthroughthemontheirmulesisdiminishedtoadetachmentofmicealmost；andtothemyou，standingsohighupagainstthesun，tenthousandfeetabovetheirheads，looknolargerthanagrasshopper。
Thisinthemorning；butatthreeorfourintheafternoonathousandlittlepatchesofwhiteclouds，likehandfulsofwool，comedriftingnoiselessly，oneafteranother，intothecrater，likeaprocessionofshroudedphantoms，andcircleroundandroundthevastsides，andsettlegraduallydownandmingletogetheruntilthecolossalbasinisfilledtothebrimwithsnowyfogandallitssearedanddesolatewondersarehiddenfromsight。
Andthenyoumayturnyourbacktothecraterandlookfarawayuponthebroadvalleybelow，withitssugar—housesglintinglikewhitespecksinthedistance，andthegreatsugar—fieldsdiminishedtogreenveilsamidthelighter—tintedverdurearoundthem，andabroaduponthelimitlessocean。ButIshouldnotsayyoulookdown；youlookupatthesethings。
Youaretenthousandfeetabovethem，butyetyouseemtostandinabasin，withthegreenislandshereandthere，andthevalleysandthewideocean，andtheremotesnow—peakofMaunaLoa，allraisedupbeforeandaboveyou，andpicturedoutlikeabrightlytintedmaphungattheceilingofaroom。
Youlookupateverything；nothingisbelowyou。Ithasasingularandstartlingeffecttoseeaminiatureworldthusseeminglyhunginmid—air。
Butsoonthewhitecloudscometroopingalonginghostlysquadronsandmingletogetherinheavymassesaquarterofamilebelowyouandshutouteverything—completelyhidetheseaandalltheearthsavethepinnacleyoustandon。Asfarastheeyecanreach，itfindsnothingtorestuponbutaboundlessplainofcloudstumbledintoallmanneroffantasticshapes—abillowyoceanofwoolaflamewiththegoldandpurpleandcrimsonsplendorsofthesettingsun！Andsofirmdoesthisgrandcloudpavementlookthatyoucanhardlypersuadeyourselfthatyoucouldnotwalkuponit；thatifyousteppeduponityouwouldplungeheadlongandastonishyourfriendsatdinnertenthousandfeetbelow。
Standingonthatpeak，withalltheworldshutoutbythatvastplainofclouds，afeelingoflonelinesscomesoveramanwhichsuggeststohismindthelastmanattheflood，perchedhighuponthelastrock，withnothingvisibleonanysidebutamournfulwasteofwaters，andthearkdepartingdimlythroughthedistantmistsandleavinghimtostormandnightandsolitudeanddeath！
NOTICEOFMARKTWAIN’SLECTURE
\"THETROUBLEISOVER\"
\"Theinimitable’MarkTwain，deliveredhimselflastnightofhisfirstlectureontheSandwichIslands，oranythingelse。
SometimebeforethehourappointedtoopenhisheadtheAcademyofMusiconPineStreetwasdenselycrowdedwithoneofthemostfashionableaudiencesitwasevermyprivilegetowitnessduringmylongresidenceinthiscity。TheEliteofthetownwerethere，andsowastheGovernoroftheState，occupyingoneoftheboxes，whoserotundfacewassuffusedwithahaloofmirthduringthewholeentertainment。TheaudiencepromptlynotifiedMarkbytheusualsign——stamping——thattheauspicioushourhadarrived，andpresentlythelecturercamesidlingandswingingoutfromtheleftofthestage。Hisverymannerproducedagenerallyvociferouslaughfromtheassemblage。Heopenedwithanapology，bysayingthathehadpartlysucceededinobtainingaband，butatthelastmomentthepartyengagedbackedout。Heexplainedthathehadhiredamantoplaythetrombone，buthe，onlearningthathewastheonlypersonengaged，cameatthelastmomentandinformedhimthathecouldnotplay。
ThisplacedMarkinabadpredicament，andwishingtoknowhisreasonsfordesertinghimatthatcriticalmoment，hereplied，’Thathewasn’tgoingtomakeafoolofhimselfbysittingupthereonthestageandblowinghishornallbyhimself。’Aftertheapplausesubsided，heassumedaverygravecountenanceandcommencedhisremarksproperwiththefollowingwell—knownsentence：’When，inthecourseofhumanevents，’
etc。Helecturedfullyanhourandaquarter，andhishumoroussayingswereinterspersedwithgeographical，agricultural，andstatisticalremarks，sometimesbranchingoffandreachingbeyond，soaring，intheverychoicestlanguage，uptotheverypinnacleofdescriptivepower。\"
APPENDIXE
FROM\"THEJUMPINGFROG\"BOOKMARKTWAIN’SFIRSTPUBLISHEDVOLUME
SeeChapterslviiiandlix
I
ADVERTISEMENT
\"MarkTwain\"istoowellknowntothepublictorequireaformalintroductionatmyhands。ByhisstoryoftheFroghescaledtheheightsofpopularityatasinglejumpandwonforhimselfthe’sobriquet’ofTheWildHumoristofthePacificSlope。HeisalsoknowntofameasTheMoralistoftheMain；anditisnotunlikelythatassuchhewillgodowntoposterity。Itisinhissecondarycharacter，ashumorist，however，ratherthanintheprimaloneofmoralist，thatIaimtopresenthiminthepresentvolume。Andhereareadyexplanationwillbefoundforthesomewhatfragmentarycharacterofmanyofthesesketches；foritwasnecessarytosnatchthreadsofhumorwherevertheycouldbefound——veryoftendetachingthemfromseriousarticlesandmoralessayswithwhichtheywerewovenandentangled。Originallywrittenfornewspaperpublication，manyofthearticlesreferredtoeventsoftheday，theinterestofwhichhasnowpassedaway，andcontainedlocalallusions，whichthegeneralreaderwouldfailtounderstand；insuchcasesexcisionbecameimperative。Furtherthanthis，remarkorcommentisunnecessary。
MarkTwainneverresortstotricksofspellingnorrhetoricalbuffooneryforthepurposeofprovokingalaugh；theveinofhishumorrunstoorichanddeeptomakesurfaceglidingnecessary。Buttherearefewwhocanresistthequaintsimiles，keensatire，andhard，goodsensewhichformthestapleofhiswriting。
J。P。
II
FROMANSWERSTOCORRESPONDENTS
\"MORALSTATISTICIAN\"——Idon’twantanyofyourstatistics。Itookyourwholebatchandlitmypipewithit。Ihateyourkindofpeople。Youarealwayscipheringouthowmuchaman’shealthisinjured，andhowmuchhisintellectisimpaired，andhowmanypitifuldollarsandcentshewastesinthecourseofninety—twoyears’indulgenceinthefatalpracticeofsmoking；andintheequallyfatalpracticeofdrinkingcoffee；andinplayingbilliardsoccasionally；andintakingaglassofwineatdinner，etc。，etc。，etc……
Ofcourseyoucansavemoneybydenyingyourselfalltheseviciouslittleenjoymentsforfiftyyears；butthenwhatcanyoudowithit？Whatusecanyouputitto？Moneycan’tsaveyourinfinitesimalsoul。Alltheusethatmoneycanbeputtoistopurchasecomfortandenjoymentinthislife；therefore，asyouareanenemytocomfortandenjoyment，whereistheuseinaccumulatingcash？Itwon’tdoforyoutosaythatyoucanuseittobetterpurposeinfurnishinggoodtable，andincharities，andinsupportingtractsocieties，becauseyouknowyourselfthatyoupeoplewhohavenopettyvicesareneverknowntogiveawayacent，andthatyoustintyourselvessointhematteroffoodthatyouarealwaysfeebleandhungry。Andyouneverdaretolaughinthedaytimeforfearsomepoorwretch，seeingyouinagood—humor，willtrytoborrowadollarofyou；
andinchurchyouarealwaysdownonyourknees，withyoureyesburiedinthecushion，whenthecontribution—boxcomesaround；andyounevergivetherevenue—officersatruestatementofyourincome。Nowyouallknowallthesethingsyourself，don’tyou？Verywell，then，whatistheuseofyourstringingoutyourmiserablelivestoacleanandwitheredoldage？Whatistheuseofyoursavingmoneythatissoutterlyworthlesstoyou？Inaword，whydon’tyougooffsomewhereanddie，andnotbealwaystryingtoseducepeopleintobecomingas\"ornery\"andunlovableasyouareyourselves，byyourceaselessandvillainous\"moralstatistics\"？
Now，Idon’tapproveofdissipation，andIdon’tindulgeinit，either；
butIhaven’taparticleofconfidenceinamanwhohasnoredeemingpettyviceswhatever，andsoIdon’twanttohearfromyouanymore。I
thinkyouaretheverysamemanwhoreadmealonglecturelastweekaboutthedegradingviceofsmokingcigarsandthencameback，inmyabsence，withyourvile，reprehensiblefire—proofgloveson，andcarriedoffmybeautifulparlor—stove。
III
FROM\"ASTRANGEDREAM\"
ExampleofMarkTwain’sEarlyDescriptiveWriting……InduetimeIstood，withmycompanion，onthewallofthevastcaldronwhichthenatives，agesago，named’Halemaumau’——theabysswhereintheywerewonttothrowtheremainsoftheirchiefs，totheendthatvulgarfeetmightnevertreadabovethem。Westoodthere，atdeadofnight，amileabovethelevelofthesea，andlookeddownathousandfeetuponaboiling，surging，roaringoceanoffire！——shadedoureyesfromtheblindingglare，andgazedfarawayoverthecrimsonwaveswithavaguenotionthatasupernaturalfleet，mannedbydemonsandfreightedwiththedamned，mightpresentlysailupoutoftheremotedistance；
startedwhentremendousthunder—burstsshooktheearth，andfollowedwithfascinatedeyesthegrandjetsofmoltenlavathatspranghighuptowardthezenithandexplodedinaworldoffieryspraythatlitupthesomberheavenswithaninfernalsplendor。
\"WhatisyourlittlebonfireofVesuviustothis？\"
Myejaculationrousedmycompanionfromhisreverie，andwefellintoaconversationappropriatetotheoccasionandthesurroundings。Wecameatlasttospeakoftheancientcustomofcastingthebodiesofdeadchieftainsintothisfearfulcaldron；andmycomrade，whoisofthebloodroyal，mentionedthatthefounderofhisrace，oldKingKamehamehatheFirst——thatinvincibleoldpaganAlexander——hadfoundothersepulturethantheburningdepthsofthe’Halemaumau’。Igrewinterestedatonce；Iknewthatthemysteryofwhatbecameofthecorpseofthewarriorkinghailneverbeenfathomed；Iwasawarethattherewasalegendconnectedwiththismatter；andIfeltasiftherecouldbenomorefittingtimetolistentoitthanthepresent。ThedescendantoftheKamehamehassaid：
Thedeadkingwasbroughtinroyalstatedownthelong，windingroadthatdescendsfromtherimofthecratertothescorchedandchasm—rivenplainthatliesbetweenthe’Halemaumau’andthosebeetlingwallsyonderinthedistance。Theguardsweresetandthetroopsofmournersbegantheweirdwailforthedeparted。Inthemiddleofthenightcameasoundofinnumerablevoicesintheairandtherushofinvisiblewings；thefuneraltorcheswavered，burnedblue，andwentout。Themournersandwatchersfelltothegroundparalyzedbyfright，andmanyminuteselapsedbeforeanyonedaredtomoveorspeak；fortheybelievedthatthephantommessengersofthedreadGoddessofFirehadbeenintheirmidst。Whenatlastatorchwaslightedthebierwasvacant——thedeadmonarchhadbeenspiritedaway！
APPENDIXF
THEINNOCENTSABROAD
SeeChapterlx
NEWYORK\"HERALD\"EDITORIALONTHERETURNOFTHE\"QUAKERCITY\"
PILGRIMAGE，NOVEMBER19，1867
Inyesterday’sHeraldwepublishedamostamusingletterfromthepenofthatmostamusingAmericangenius，MarkTwain，givinganaccountofthatmostamusingofallmodernpilgrimages——thepilgrimageofthe’QuakerCity’。Ithasbeenamusingallthrough，thisQuakerCityaffair。ItmighthavebecomemoreseriousthanamusingiftheshiphadbeensoldatJaffa，Alexandria，orYalta，intheBlackSea，asitappearsmighthavehappened。Insuchacasethepassengerswouldhavebeenmoreeffectuallysoldthantheship。ThedescendantsofthePuritanpilgrimshave，naturallyenough，someofthem，anaffectionforships；butifallthatissaidaboutthisreligiouscruisebetruetheyhavealsoasingularlysharpeyetobusiness。Itwasscarcelywiseonthepartofthepilgrims，althoughitwaswellforthepublic，thatsostrangeageniusasMarkTwainshouldhavefoundadmissionintothesacredcircle。WearenotawarewhetherMr。Twainintendsgivingusabookonthispilgrimage，butwedoknowthatabookwrittenfromhisownpeculiarstandpoint，givinganaccountofthecharactersandeventsonboardshipandofthesceneswhichthepilgrimswitnessed，wouldcommandanalmostunprecedentedsale。
TherearevarietiesofgeniuspeculiartoAmerica。OfoneofthesevarietiesMarkTwainisastrikingspecimen。Forthedevelopmentofhispeculiargeniushehasneverhadamorefittingopportunity。Besides，therearesomethingswhichheknows，andwhichtheworldoughttoknow，aboutthislasteditionoftheMayflower。
APPENDIXG
MARKTWAINATTHECORRESPONDENTSCLUB，WASHINGTON
SeeChapterlxiii
WOMAN
AEULOGYOFTHEFAIRSEX
TheWashingtonCorrespondentsClubhelditsanniversaryonSaturdaynight。Mr。Clemens，betterknownasMarkTwain，respondedtothetoast，\"Woman，theprideoftheprofessionsandthejewelofours。\"Hesaid：
Mr。President，——IdonotknowwhyIshouldhavebeensingledouttoreceivethegreatestdistinctionoftheevening——forsotheofficeofreplyingtothetoasttowomanhasbeenregardedineveryage。
[Applause。]IdonotknowwhyIhavereceivedthisdistinction，unlessitbethatIamatriflelesshomelythantheothermembersoftheclub。
But，bethisasitmay，Mr。President，Iamproudoftheposition，andyoucouldnothavechosenanyonewhowouldhaveaccepteditmoregladly，orlaboredwithaheartiergood——willtodothesubjectjustice，thanI。
Because，Sir，Ilovethesex。[Laughter。]Iloveallthewomen，sir，irrespectiveofageorcolor。[Laughter。]
Humanintelligencecannotestimatewhatweowetowoman，sir。Shesewsonourbuttons[laughter]；shemendsourclothes[laughter]；sheropesusinatthechurchfairs；sheconfidesinus；shetellsuswhatevershecanfindoutabouttheprivateaffairsoftheneighbors；shegivesgoodadvice，andplentyofit；shegivesusapieceofhermindsometimes——andsometimesallofit；shesoothesourachingbrows；shebearsourchildren。Oursasageneralthing。——[thislastlineappearsinTwain’spublishedspeechesandmayhavebeenaddedlater。D。W。]
Inallrelationsoflife，sir，itisbutjustandagracefultributetowomantosayofherthatsheisabrick。[Greatlaughter。]
Wheresoeveryouplacewoman，sir——inwhatsoeverpositionorestate——sheisanornamenttothatplacesheoccupies，andatreasuretotheworld。
[HereMr。Twainpaused，lookedinquiringlyathishearers，andremarkedthattheapplauseshouldcomeinatthispoint。Itcamein。Mr。Twainresumedhiseulogy。]Lookatthenoblenamesofhistory！LookatCleopatra！LookatDesdemona！LookatFlorenceNightingale！LookatJoanofArc！LookatLucretiaBorgia！[Disapprobationexpressed。
\"Well，\"saidMr。Twain，scratchinghishead，doubtfully，\"supposeweletLucretiaslide。\"]LookatJoyceHeth！LookatMotherEve！Irepeat，sir，lookattheillustriousnamesofhistory！LookattheWidowMachree！LookatLucyStone！LookatElizabethCadyStanton！LookatGeorgeFrancisTrain！[Greatlaughter。]And，sir，Isaywithbowedheadanddeepestveneration，lookatthemotherofWashington！Sheraisedaboythatcouldnotlie——couldnotlie。[Applause。]Butheneverhadanychance。Itmighthavebeendifferentwithhimifhehadbelongedtoanewspapercorrespondents’club。[Laughter，groans，hisses，criesof\"puthimout。\"Marklookedaroundplacidlyuponhisexcitedaudience，andresumed。]
Irepeat，sir，thatinwhatsoeverpositionyouplaceawomansheisanornamenttosocietyandatreasuretotheworld。Asasweetheartshehasfewequalsandnosuperior[laughter]；asacousinsheisconvenient；asawealthygrandmotherwithanincurabledistempersheisprecious；asawetnurseshehasnoequalamongmen！[Laughter。]
What，sir，wouldthepeopleofthisearthbewithoutwoman？Theywouldbescarce，sir。Mightyscarce。——[anotherlineaddedlaterinthepublished’Speeches’。D。W。]Thenletuscherishher，letusprotecther，letusgiveheroursupport，ourencouragement，oursympathy——ourselves，ifwegetachance。[Laughter。]
But，jestingaside，Mr。President，womanislovable，gracious，kindofheart，beautiful；worthyofallrespect，ofallesteem，ofalldeference。
Notanyherewillrefusetodrinkherhealthrightcordially，foreachandeveryoneofushaspersonallyknown，loved，andhonoredtheverybestoneofthemall——hisownmother！[Applause。]
APPENDIXH
ANNOUNCEMENTFORLECTUREOFJULY2，1868
SeeChapterlxvi
THEPUBLICTOMARKTWAIN—CORRESPONDENCE
SANFRANCISCO，June30th。
MR。MARKTWAIN——DEARSIR，——HearingthatyouareabouttosailforNewYorkintheP。M。S。S。Company’ssteamerofthe6thJuly，topublishabook，andlearningwiththedeepestconcernthatyouproposetoreadachapterortwoofthatbookinpublicbeforeyougo，wetakethismethodofexpressingourcordialdesirethatyouwillnot。Webegandimploreyoudonot。Thereisalimittohumanendurance。
Weareyourpersonalfriends。Wehaveyourwelfareatheart。Wedesiretoseeyouprosper。Anditisupontheseaccounts，andupontheseonly，thatweurgeyoutodesistfromthenewatrocityyoucontemplate。Yourstruly，60namesincluding：BretHarte，Maj。—Gen。Ord，Maj。—Gen。Halleck，TheOrphanAsylum，andvariousBenevolentSocieties，CitizensonFootandHorseback，and1500intheSteerage。
REPLY
SANFRANCISCO，June30thTOTHE1，500ANDOTHERS，——Itseemstomethatyourcourseisentirelyunprecedented。Heretofore，whenlecturers，singers，actors，andotherfraudshavesaidtheywereabouttoleavetown，youhavealwaysbeentheveryfirstpeopletocomeoutinacardbeseechingthemtoholdonforjustonenightmore，andinflictjustonemoreperformanceonthepublic，butassoonasIwanttotakeafarewellbenefityoucomeafterme，withacardsignedbythewholecommunityandtheboardofaldermen，prayingmenottodoit。Butitisn’tofanyuse。Youcannotmovemefrommyfellpurpose。IwilltormentthepeopleifIwantto。Ihaveabetterrighttodoitthanthesestrangelecturersandoratorsthatcomeherefromabroad。Itonlycoststhepublicadollarapiece，andiftheycan’tstanditwhatdotheystayherefor？AmItogoawayandletthemhavepeaceandquietforayearandahalf，andthencomebackandonlylecturethemtwice？Whatdoyoutakemefor？
No，gentlemen，askofmeanythingelseandIwilldoitcheerfully；butdonotaskmenottoafflictthepeople。IwishtotellthemallIknowaboutVENICE。IwishtotellthemabouttheCityoftheSea——thatmostvenerable，mostbrilliant，andproudestRepublictheworldhaseverseen。
Iwishtohintatwhatitachievedintwelvehundredyears，andwhatitlostintwohundred。Iwishtofurnishadealofpleasantinformation，somewhathighlyspiced，butstillpalatable，digestible，andeminentlyfittedfortheintellectualstomach。MylastlecturewasnotasfineasIthoughtitwas，butIhavesubmittedthisdiscoursetoseveralablecritics，andtheyhavepronounceditgood。Now，therefore，whyshouldI
withholdit？
Letmetalkonlyjustthisonce，andIwillsailpositivelyonthe6thofJuly，andstayawayuntilIreturnfromChina——twoyears。
Yourstruly，MARKTWAIN。
FURTHERREMONSTRANCE
SANFRANCISCO，June30th。
MR。MARKTWAIN，——Learningwithprofoundregretthatyouhaveconcludedtopostponeyourdepartureuntilthe6thJuly，andlearningalso，withunspeakablegrief，thatyouproposetoreadfromyourforthcomingbook，orlectureagainbeforeyougo，attheNewMercantileLibrary，wehastentobegofyouthatyouwillnotdoit。Curbthisspiritoflawlessviolence，andemigrateatonce。Havethevessel’sbillforyourpassagesenttous。Wewillpayit。
Yourfriends，PacificBoardofBrokers[andotherfinancialandsocialinstitutions]
SANFRANCISCO，June30th。
MR。MARKTWAIN——DEARSIR，——Willyoustartnow，withoutanyunnecessarydelay？
Yourstruly，ProprietorsoftheAlta，Bulletin，Times，Call，Examiner[andotherSanFranciscopublications]。
SANFRANCISCO，June30th。
MR。MARKTWAIN——DEARSIR，——Donotdelayyourdeparture。Youcancomebackandlectureanothertime。Inthelanguageoftheworldly——youcan\"cutandcomeagain。\"
Yourfriends，THECLERGY。
SANFRANCISCO，June3oth。
MR。MARKTWAIN——DEARSIR，——Youhadbettergo。
Yours，THECHIEFOFPOLICE。
REPLY
SANFRANCISCO，June30th。
GENTLEMEN，——Restrainyouremotions；youobservethattheycannotavail。
Read：
NEWMERCANTILELIBRARY
BushStreetThursdayEvening，July2，1868
OneNightOnlyFAREWELLLECTURE
ofMARKTWAIN
Subject：
TheOldestoftheRepublicsVENICE
PASTANDPRESENT
Box—OfficeopenWednesdayandThursdayNoextrachargeforreservedseatsADMISSION……ONEDOLLAR
Doorsopenat7Orgiestocommenceat8P。M。
Thepublicdisplaysandceremoniesprojectedtogivefittingeclattothisoccasionhavebeenunavoidablydelayeduntilthe4th。Thelecturewillbedeliveredcertainlyonthe2d，andtheeventwillbecelebratedtwodaysafterwardbyadischargeofartilleryonthe4th，aprocessionofcitizens，thereadingoftheDeclarationofIndependence，andbyagorgeousdisplayoffireworksfromRussianHillintheevening，whichIhaveorderedatmysoleexpense，thecostamountingtoeightythousanddollars。
ATNEWMERCANTILELIBRARY
BushStreetThursdayEvening，July2，1868
APPENDIXI
MARKTWAIN’SCHAMPIONSHIPOFTHOMASK。BEECHER
SeeChapterlxxiv
TherewasareligiousturmoilinElmirain1869；adisturbanceamongtheministers，duetothesuccessofThomasK。BeecherinaseriesofmeetingshewasconductingintheOperaHouse。Mr。Beecher’steachingshadneverbeenveryorthodoxordoctrinal，butuptothistimetheyhadbeenseeminglyunobjectionabletohisbrotherclergymen，whofraternizedwithhimandjoinedwithhimintheMondaymeetingsoftheMinisterialUnionofElmira，wheneachMondayasermonwasreadbyoneofthemembers。Thesituationpresentlychanged。Mr。Beecherwaspreachinghisdoubtfultheologytolargeandnightlyincreasingaudiences，anditwastimetochecktheexodus。TheMinisterialUnionofElmiranotonlydeclinedtorecognizeandabettheOperaHousegatherings，buttheyrequestedhimtowithdrawfromtheirMondaymeetings，onthegroundthathisteachingswerepernicious。Mr。Beechersaidnothingofthematter，anditwasnotmadepublicuntilanoticeofitappearedinareligiouspaper。NaturallysuchacoursedidnotmeetwiththeapprovaloftheLangdonfamily，andawokethescornofamanwhosodetestedbigotryinanyformasMarkTwain。Hewasastrangerintheplace，andnotjustifiedtospeakoverhisownsignature，buthewroteanarticleandreadittomembersoftheLangdonfamilyandtoDr。andMrs。Taylor，theirintimatefriends，whowerespendinganeveningintheLangdonhome。
Itwasuniversallyapproved，andthenextmorningappearedintheElmiraAdvertiser，overthesignatureof\"S’cat。\"Itcreatedastir，ofcourse。
Thearticlefollows：
MR。BEECHERANDTHECLERGY
\"TheMinisterialUnionofElmira，N。Y。，atarecentmeetingpassedresolutionsdisapprovingtheteachingsofRev。T。K。Beecher，decliningtoco—operatewithhiminhisSundayeveningservicesattheOperaHouse，andrequestinghimtowithdrawfromtheirMondaymorningmeeting。Thishasresultedinhiswithdrawal，andthusthepastorsarerelievedfromfurtherresponsibilityastohisaction。\"——N。Y。Evangelist。
PoorBeecher！Allthistimehecoulddowhateverhepleasedthatwaswrong，andthenbeperfectlysereneandcomfortableoverit，becausetheMinisterialUnionofElmirawasresponsibletoGodforit。Hecouldlieifhewantedto，andthoseministershadtoanswerforit；hecouldpromotediscordinthechurchofChrist，andthosepartieshadtomakeitrightwiththeDeityasbesttheycould；hecouldteachfalsedoctrinestoemptyoperahouses，andthosesorrowinglambsoftheMinisterialUnionhadtogetouttheirsackclothandashesandstandresponsibleforit。
Hehadsuchacomfortablethingofit！Buthewenttoofar。Inanevilhourheslaughteredthesimplegeesethatlaidthegoldeneggofresponsibilityforhim，andnowtheywilluncovertheircustomarycomplacency，andliftuptheircustomarycackleinhisbehalfnomore。
Andso，atlast，hefindshimselfinthenovelpositionofbeingresponsibletoGodforhisacts，insteadoftotheMinisterialUnionofElmira。Tosaythatthisisappallingistostateitwithadegreeofmildnesswhichamountstoinsipidity。
Wecannotjustlyestimatethiscalamity，withoutfirstreviewingcertainfactsthatconspiredtobringitabout。Mr。BeecherwasandisinthehabitofpreachingtoafullcongregationintheIndependentCongregationalChurch，inthiscity。Themeeting—housewasnotlargeenoughtoaccommodateallthepeoplewhodesiredadmittance。Mr。BeecherregularlyattendedthemeetingsoftheMinisterialUnionofElmiraeveryMondaymorning，andtheyreceivedhimintotheirfellowship，andneverobjectedtothedoctrineswhichhetaughtinhischurch。So，inanunfortunatemoment，heconceivedthestrangeideathattheywouldconniveattheteachingofthesamedoctrinesinthesamewayinalargerhouse。
ThereforehesecuredtheOperaHouseandproceededtopreachthereeverySundayeveningtoassemblagescomprisingfromathousandtofifteenhundredpersons。HefeltwarrantedinthiscoursebyapassageofScripturewhichsays，\"Goyeintoalltheworldandpreachthegospeluntoeverycreature。\"Opera—houseswerenotruledoutspecificallyinthispassage，andsoheconsidereditpropertoregardopera—housesasapartof\"alltheworld。\"Helookeduponthepeoplewhoassembledthereascomingundertheheadof\"everycreature。\"Theseideaswereasabsurdastheywerefarfetched，butstilltheywerethehonestebullitionsofadiseasedmind。HisgreatmistakewasinsupposingthatwhenhehadtheSaviour’sindorsementofhisconducthehadallthatwasnecessary。HeoverlookedthefactthattheremightpossiblybeaconflictofopinionbetweentheSaviourandtheMinisterialUnionofElmira。Andtherewas。
Wherefore，blindandfoolishMr。Beecherwenttohisdestruction。TheMinisterialUnionwithdrewtheirapprobation，andlefthimdanglingintheair，withnoothersupportthanthecountenanceandapprovalofthegospelofChrist。
Mr。BeecherinvitedhisbrotherministerstojoinforceswithhimandhelphimconducttheOperaHousemeetings。Theydeclinedwithgreatunanimity。Inthistheywerewrong。Sincetheydidnotapproveofthosemeetings，itwasadutytheyowedtotheirconsciencesandtheirGodtocontrivetheirdiscontinuance。Theyknewthis。Theyfeltit。Yettheyturnedcoldlyawayandrefusedtohelpatthosemeetings，whentheywellknewthattheirhelp，earnestlyandpersistentlygiven，wasabletokillanygreatreligiousenterprisethateverwasconceivedof。
Theministersrefused，andthecalamitousmeetingsattheOperaHousecontinued；andnotonlycontinued，butgrewininterestandimportance，andsappedoftheircongregationschurcheswheretheGospelwaspreachedwiththatsweetmonotonoustranquillityandthatimpenetrableprofunditywhichstirupsuchconsternationinthestrongholdsofsin。ItisapitytohavetorecordherethatoneclergymanrefusedtopreachattheOperaHouseatMr。Beecher’srequest，evenwhenthatincendiarywassickanddisabled；andifthatman’sconsciencejustifieshiminthatrefusalIdonot。UnderthepleaofcharityforasickbrotherhecouldhavepreachedtothatOperaHousemultitudeasermonthatwouldhavedoneincalculabledamagetotheOperaHouseexperiment。Andheneednothavebeenparticularaboutthesermonhechose，either。Hecouldhavereliedonanyhehadinhisbarrel。
TheOperaHousemeetingswenton；othercongregationswerethin，andgrewthinner，buttheOperaHouseassemblageswerevast。EverySundaynight，inspiteofsenseandreason，multitudespassedbythechurcheswheretheymighthavebeensaved，andmarcheddeliberatelytotheOperaHousetobedamned。Thecommunitytalked，talked，talked。EverybodydiscussedthefactthattheMinisterialUniondisapprovedoftheOperaHousemeetings；alsothefactthattheydisapprovedoftheteachingsputforththere。AndeverybodywonderedhowtheMinisterialUnioncouldtellwhethertoapproveordisapproveofthoseteachings，seeingthatthoseclergymenhadneverattendedanOperaHousemeeting，andthereforedidn’tknowwhatwastaughtthere。Everybodywonderedoverthatcuriousquestion，andtheyhadtotakeitoutinwondering。
Mr。BeecheraskedtheMinisterialUniontostatetheirobjectionstotheOperaHousematter。Theycouldnot——atleasttheydidnot。Hesaidtothemthatiftheywouldcomesquarelyoutandtellhimthattheydesiredthediscontinuanceofthosemeetingshewoulddiscontinuethem。Theydeclinedtodothat。Whyshouldtheyhavedeclined？Theyhadnorighttodecline，andnoexcusetodecline，iftheyhonestlybelievedthatthosemeetingsinterferedintheslightestdegreewiththebestinterestsofreligion。Thatisapropositionwhichtheprofoundestheadamongthemcannotgetaround。
ButtheOperaHousemeetingswenton。Thatwasthemischiefofit。Andso，oneMondaymorning，whenMr。B。appearedattheusualMinisters’
meeting，hisbrotherclergymendesiredhimtocometherenomore。Heaskedwhy。Theygavenoreason。Theysimplydeclinedtohavehiscompanylonger。Mr。B。saidhecouldnotacceptofthisexecutionwithoutatrial，andsincehelovedthemandhadnothingagainstthemhemustinsistuponmeetingwiththeminthefuturejustthesameasever。
Andso，afterthat，theymetinsecret，andthusgotridofthisman’simportunateaffection。
TheMinisterialUnionhadruledoutBeecher——apointgained。Hewouldgetupanexcitementaboutitinpublic。Butthatwasamiscalculation。
Henevermentionedit。Theywaitedandwaitedforthegrandcrash，butitnevercame。Afteralltheirlabor—pains，theirministerialmountainhadbroughtforthonlyamouse——andastill—bornoneatthat。Beecherhadnottoldonthem；Beechermalignantlypersistedinnottellingonthem。Theopportunitywasslippingaway。Alas，forthehumiliationofit，theyhadtocomeoutandtellitthemselves！Andafterall，theirbombshelldidnothurtanybodywhentheydidexplodeit。TheyhadceasedtoberesponsibletoGodforBeecher，andyetnobodyseemedparalyzedaboutit。Somehow，itwasnotevenofsufficientimportance，apparently，togetintothepapers，thougheventhepoorlittlefactsthatSmithhasboughtatrottingteamandAldermanJones’schildhasthemeaslesarechronicledtherewithavidity。Somethingmustbedone。AstheMinisterialUnionhadtoldabouttheirdesolatingaction，whennobodyelseconsidereditofenoughimportancetotell，theywouldalsopublishit，nowthatthereportersfailedtoseeanythinginitimportantenoughtoprint。AndsotheystartledtheentirereligiousworldnodoubtbysolemnlyprintingintheEvangelisttheparagraphwhichheadsthisarticle。Theyhavegottheirexcommunication—bullstartedatlast。Itisgoingalongquitelivelynow，andmakingconsiderablestir，letushope。TheyevenknowitinPodunk，whereverthatmaybe。Itexcitedatwo—lineparagraphthere。Happy，happyworld，thatknowsatlastthatalittlecongressofcongregationlessclergymenofwhomithadneverheardbeforehavecrushedafamousBeecher，andreducedhisaudiencesfromfifteenhundreddowntofourteenhundredandseventy—fiveatonefellblow！Happy，happyworld，thatknowsatlastthattheseobscureinnocentsarenolongerresponsiblefortheblemishlessteachings，thepower，thepathos，thelogic，andtheotherandmanifoldintellectualpyrotechnicsthatseduce，buttodamn，theOperaHouseassemblageseverySundaynightinElmira！Andmiserable，OthricemiserableBeecher！FortheMinisterialUnionofElmirawillnever，no，nevermoreberesponsibletoGodforhisshortcomings。Excusethesetears。
FortheprotectionofamanwhoisuniformlychargedwithallthenewspaperdeviltrythatseesthelightinElmirajournals，Itakethisopportunityofstating，underoath，dulysubscribedbeforeamagistrate，thatMr。Beecherdidnotwritethisarticle。Andfurtherstill，thathedidnotinspireit。Andfurtherstill，theMinisterialUnionofElmiradidnotwriteit。Andfinally，theMinisterialUniondidnotaskmetowriteit。No，IhavetakenupthiscudgelindefenseoftheMinisterialUnionofElmirasolelyfromaloveofjustice。Withoutsolicitation，I
haveconstitutedmyselfthechampionoftheMinisterialUnionofElmira，anditshallbealaboroflovewithmetoconducttheirsideofaquarrelinprintforthemwhenevertheydesiremetodoit；oriftheyarebusy，andhavenotthetimetoaskme，Iwillcheerfullydoitanyhow。InclosingthisImustremarkthatifanyquestiontherightoftheclergymenofElmiratoturnMr。BeecheroutoftheMinisterialUnion，tosuchIanswerthatMr。Beecherrecreatedthatinstitutionafterithadbeendeadformanyyears，andinvitedthosegentlementocomeintoit，whichtheydid，andsoofcoursetheyhavearighttoturnhimoutiftheywantto。ThedifferencebetweenBeecherandthemanwhoputanadderinhisbosomis，thatBeecherputinmoreaddersthanhedid，andconsequentlyhadaproportionatelyliveliertimeofitwhentheygotwarmedup。
Cheerfully，S’CAT。
APPENDIXJ
THEINDIGNITYPUTUPONTHEREMAINSOFGEORGEHOLLANDBYTHE
REV。MR。SABINE
SeeChapterlxxvii
WhataludicroussatireitwasuponChristiancharity！——evenuponthevague，theoreticalideaofitwhichdoubtlessthissmallsaintmouthsfromhisownpulpiteverySunday。Contemplatethisfreakofnature，andthinkwhataCardiffgiantofself—righteousnessiscrowdedintohispigmyskin。Ifweprobe，anddissect；andlayopenthisdiseased，thiscancerouspietyofhis，weareforcedtotheconvictionthatitistheproductionofanimpressiononhispartthathisguilddoaboutallthegoodthatisdoneontheearth，andhencearebetterthancommonclay——
hencearecompetenttosaytosuchasGeorgeHolland，\"Youareunworthy；
youareaplay—actor，andconsequentlyasinner；IcannottaketheresponsibilityofrecommendingyoutothemercyofHeaven。\"Itmusthavehaditsorigininthatimpression，elsehewouldhavethought，\"WeareallinstrumentsforthecarryingoutofGod’spurposes；itisnotformetopassjudgmentuponyourappointedshareofthework，ortopraiseortorevileit；Ihavedivineauthorityforitthatweareallsinners，andthereforeitisnotformetodiscriminateandsaywewillsupplicateforthissinner，forhewasamerchantprinceorabanker，butwewillbeseechnoforgivenessforthisotherone，forhewasaplay—actor。\"
Itsurelyrequiresthefurthestpossiblereachofself—righteousnesstoenableamantolifthisscornfulnoseintheairandturnhisbackuponsopoorandpitiableathingasadeadstrangercometobegthelastkindnessthathumanitycandoinitsbehalf。ThiscreaturehasviolatedtheletteroftheGospel，andjudgedGeorgeHolland——notGeorgeHolland，either，buthisprofessionthroughhim。Thenitis，inameasure，fairthatwejudgethiscreature’sguildthroughhim。Ineffecthehassaid，\"Wearethesaltoftheearth；wedoallthegoodworkthatisdone；tolearnhowtobegoodanddogoodmenmustcometous；actorsandsuchareobstaclestomoralprogress。\"Praylookatthethingreasonablyamoment，layingasideallbiasesofeducationandcustom。Ifacommonpublicimpressionisfairevidenceofathingthenthisminister’slegitimate，recognized，andacceptablebusinessistotellpeoplecalmly，coldly，andinstiff，writtensentences，fromthepulpit，togoanddoright，bejust，bemerciful，becharitable。Andhiscongregationforgetitallbetweenchurchandhome。ButforfiftyyearsitwasGeorgeHolland’sbusinessonthestagetomakehisaudiencegoanddoright，andbejust，merciful，andcharitable——becausebyhisliving，breathing，feelingpicturesheshowedthemwhatitwastodothesethings，andhowtodothem，andhowinstantandamplewasthereward！Isitnotasingularteacherofmen，thisreverendgentlemanwhoissopoorlyinformedhimselfastoputthewholestageunderban，andsay，\"Idonotthinkitteachesmorallessons\"？Wherewaseverasermonpreachedthatcouldmakefilialingratitudesohatefultomenasthesinfulplayof\"KingLear\"？Orwherewasthereeverasermonthatcouldsoconvincemenofthewrongandthecrueltyofharboringapamperedandunanalyzedjealousyasthesinfulplayof\"Othello\"？Andwherearetheretenpreacherswhocanstandinthepulpitpreachingheroism，unselfishdevotion，andloftypatriotism，andholdtheirownagainstanyoneoffivehundredWilliamTellsthatcanberaiseduponfivehundredstagesinthelandataday’snotice？Itisalmostfairandjusttoaveralthoughitisprofanitythatnine—tenthsofallthekindnessandforbearanceandChristiancharityandgenerosityintheheartsoftheAmericanpeopletodaygottherebybeingfiltereddownfromtheirfountain—head，thegospelofChrist，throughdramasandtragediesandcomediesonthestage，andthroughthedespisednovelandtheChristmasstory，andthroughthethousandandonelessons，suggestions，andnarrativesofgenerousdeedsthatstirthepulses，andexaltandaugmentthenobilityofthenationdaybydayfromtheteemingcolumnsoftenthousandnewspapers，andnotfromthedrowsypulpit。
AllthatisgreatandgoodinourparticularcivilizationcamestraightfromthehandofJesusChrist，andmanycreatures，andofdiverssorts，weredoubtlessappointedtodisseminateit；andletusbelievethatthisseedandtheresultarethemainthing，andnotthecutofthesower’sgarment；andthatwhosoever，inhiswayandaccordingtohisopportunity，sowstheoneandproducestheother，hasdonehighserviceandworthy。
Andfurther，letustrywithallourstrengthtobelievethatwheneveroldsimple—heartedGeorgeHollandsowedthisseed，andrearedhiscropofbroadercharitiesandbetterimpulsesinmen’shearts，itwasjustasacceptablebeforetheThroneasiftheseedhadbeenscatteredinvapidplatitudesfromthepulpitoftheineffableSabinehimself。
AmIsayingthatthepulpitdoesnotdoitssharetowarddisseminatingthemarrow，themeatofthegospelofChrist？Forwearenottalkingofceremoniesandwire—drawncreedsnow，butthelivingheartandsoulofwhatisprettyoftenonlyaspecter。
No，Iamnotsayingthat。Thepulpitteachesassemblagesofpeopletwiceaweeknearlytwohoursaltogether——anddoeswhatitcaninthattime。