amanofanyprofessioncannotreadforeighthoursadayinatemperatureof960or980intheshade，runningupsometimesto1030atmidnightVeryfewmen，eventhoughtheygetapannikinoffiat，stale，muddybeerandhideitundertheircots，cancontinuedrinkmgforsixhoursadayOnemantried，buthedied，andnearlythewholeregimentwenttohisfuneralbecauseitgavethemsomethingtodoItwastooearlyfortheexcitementoffeverorcholera。
Themencouldonlywaitandwaitandwait，andwatchtheshadowofthebarrackcreepingacrosstheblindingwhitedustThatwasagaylife。
Theyloungedaboutcantonments-itwastoohotforanysortofgame，andalmosttoohotforvic~andfuddledthemselvesintheevening，andfilledthemselvestodistensionwiththehealthynitrogenousfoodprovidedforthem，andthemoretheystokedthelessexercisetheytookandmoreexplosivetheygrewThentempersbegantowearaway，andmenfella-broodingoverinsultsrealorimaginary，fortheyhadnothingelsetothinkofThetoneofthereparteeschanged，andinsteadofsayinglight-heartedly：“I’llknockyoursillyfacein。”mengrewlaboriouslyp0liteandhintedthatthecantonmentswerenotbigenoughforthemselvesandtheirenemy，andthattherewouldbemorespaceforoneofthetwoinanotherplace。
ItmayhavebeentheDevilwhoarrangedthething，butthefactofthecaseisthatLossonhadforalongtimebeenworryingSimmonsinanaimlesswayItgavehimoccupationThetwohadtheircotssidebyside，andwouldsometimesspendalongafternoonswearingateachother；butSimmonswasafraidofLossonanddarednotchallengehimtoafightHethoughtoverthewordsinthehotstillnights，andhalfthehatehefelttowardLossonheventedonthewretchedpunkahcoolie。
Lossonboughtaparrotinthebazar，andputitintoalittlecage，andloweredthecageintothecooldarknessofawell，andsatonthewell-curb，shoutingbadlanguagedowntotheparrotHetaughtittosay：“Simmons，yeso-oor。”whichmeansswine，andseveralotherthingsentirelyunfitforpublicationHewasabiggrossman，andheshooklikeajellywhentheparrothadthesentencecorrectlySimmons，however，shookwithrage，foralltheroomwerelaughingathim-theparrotwassuchadisreputablepuffofgreenfeathersanditlookedsohumanwhenitchatteredLossonusedtosit，swinginghisfatlegs，onthesideofthecot，andasktheparrotwhatitthoughtofSimmonsTheparrotwouldanswer：
“Simmons，yeso-oor。”“Goodboy。”Lossonusedtosay，scratchingtheparrot’shead；“ye’earthat，Sim？”AndSimmonsusedtoturnoveronhisstomachandmakeanswer：“I’earTake’eedyoudon’t’earsomethingoneofthesedays。”
Intherestlessnights，afterhehadbeenasleepallday，fitsofblindragecameuponSimmoorandheldhimtillhetrembledallover，whilehethoughtinhowmanydifferentwayshewouldslayLossonSometimeshewouldpicturehimselftramplingthelifeoutoftheman，withheavyammunition-boots，andatotherssmashinginhisfacewith244
WORKSOFRUDYARDKiPLING
thebutt，andatotherijumpingonhisshouldersanddraggingtheheadbacktil~thenecKbonecrackedThenhismouthwouldfeelhotandfevered，andhewouldreachoutforanothersupofthebeerintilepannikin。
ButthefancythatcametohimmostfrequentlyandstayedwithhimlongestwasoneconnectedwiththegreatrolloffatunderLosson’srightearHenoticeditfirstonamoonlightnight，andthereafteritwasalwaysbeforehiseyesItwasafascinatingrolloffatAmancouldgethishanduponitandtearawayonesideoftheneck；orhecouldplacethemuzzleofarifleonitandblowawayalltheheadinaflashLossonhadnorighttobesleekandcontentedandwell-to-do，whenhe，Simmons，wasthebuttoftheroomSomeday，perhaps，hewouldshowthosewholaughedatthe“Simmons，yeso-oor“joke，thathewasasgoodastherest，andheldaman’slifeinthecrookofhisforefingerWhenLossonsnored，Simmonshatedhimmorebitterlythanever。
WhyshouldLossonbeabletosleepwhenSimmonshadtostayawakehourafterhour，tossingandturningonthetapes，withthedullliverpaingnawingintohisrightsideandhisheadthrobbingandachingafterCanteen？Hethoughtoverthisformanynights，andtheworldbecameunprofitabletohimHeevenbluntedhisnaturallyfineappetitewithbeerandtobacco；
andallthewhiletheparrottalkedatandmadeamockofhim。
TheheatcontinuedandthetempersworeawaymorequicklythanbeforeASergeant’swifediedofheat-apoplexyinthenight，andthemmorranabroadthatitwascholeraMenrejoicedopenly，hopingthatitwouldspreadandsendthemintocamp。
Butthatwasafalsealarm。
ItwaslateonaTuesdayevening，andthemenwerewaitinginthedeepdoubleverandasfor“LastPosts。”whenSimmonswenttotheboxatthefootofhisbed，took~uthispipe，andslammedtheliddownwithabangthatechoedthroughthedesertedbarracklikethecrackofarifleOrdinarilyspeaking，themenwouldhavetakennonotice；
buttheirnerveswerefrettedtofiddle-stringsTheyjumpedup，andthreeorfourclatteredintothebarrack-roomonlytofindSimmonskneelingbyhisbox。
“OwlIt’syou，isit？”theysaidandlaughedfoolishly“Weth0ught’twas“-SimmonsroseslowlyIftheaccidenthadsoshakenhisfellows，whatwouldnottherealitydo？
“Youthoughtitwas-didyou？Andwhatmakesyouthink？”hesaid，jashmghimselfintomadnessashewenton；“toHellwithyourthinking，yedirtyspies。”
“Simmons，yeso-oor。”chuckledtheparrotintheveranda，sleepily，recognizingawell-knownvoiceNowthatwasabsolutelyall。
ThetensionsnappedSimmonsfellbackonthearm-rackdeliberately，-themenwereatthefarendoftheroom，-andtookouthisrifleandpacketofammunition。
“Don’tgonlayingthegoat，Sim！”saidLosson“Putitdown。”buttherewasaquaverinhisvoiceAnothermanstooped，slippedhisbootandhurleditatSimmon’sheadThepromptanswerwasashotINThEMATTEROFAPRIVATE
which，firedatrandom，founditsbilletinLosson’sthroatLossonfellforwardwithoutaword，andtheothersscattered。
“Youthoughtitwas！”yelledSimmons“You’redrivin’metoit！I
tellyouyou’redrivin’metoit！
Getup，Losson，an’don’tlieshammin’there-youan’yourblastedparritthatdruvmetoit！”
ButtherewasanunaffectedrealityiboutLosson’sposethatshowedSimmonswhathehaddone。
ThemenwerestillclamoringntheverandaSimmonsappropriatedtwomorepacketsofammunitionandranintothemoonlight，muttering：“I’llmakeanightofitThirtyroun’s，an’thelastformyselfTakeyouthat，youdogs！”
Hedroppedononekneeandfiredintothebrownofthemenontheveranda，butthebulletflewhigh，andlandedinthebrickworkwithaviciousphantthatmadesomeoftheyoungeronesturnpaleItis，asmusketrytheoristsobserve，onethingtofireandanothertobefiredat。
ThentheinstinctofthechaseflaredupThenewsspreadfrombarracktobarrack，andthemendoubledoutintentonthecaptureofSimmons，thewildbeast，whowasheadingfortheCavalryparade-ground，stoppingnowandagaintosendbackashotandaLurseinthedirectionofhispursuers。
“I’lllearnyoutospyonme！”heshouted；“I’lllearnyoutogivemedorg’snames！Comeonthe’olelot0’you！ColonelJohnAnthonyDeever，C。B。！”-heturnedtowardtheInfantryMessandshookhisrifle-“youthinkyourselfthedevilofaman-butItell’jouthatifyouPutyouruglyoldcar-
cassoutside0’thatdoor，I’llmakeyouthepoorest-lookin’maninthearmyComeout，ColonelJohnAnthonyDeever，C。B。！ComeoutandseemepractissontheraingeI’mthecrackshotofthe’olebloomin’battalion。”InproofofwhichstatementSimmonsfiredatthelightedwindowsofthemes~house。
“PrivateSimmons，EComp’ny，ontheCavalryp’rade-ground，Sir，withthirtyrounds。”saidaSergeantbreathlesslytotheColonel“Shootin’rightandlef’，Sir。
ShotPrivateLossonWhat’stobedone，Sir？”
ColonelJohnAnthonyDeever，C。B。，salliedout，onlytobesalutedbysspurtofdustathisfeet。
“Pullup！”saidtheSecondinCommand；“Idon’twantmystepinthatway，Colon~lHe’sasdangerousasamaddog。”
“Shoothimlikeone，then。”saidtheColonel，bitterly，“ifhewon’ttakehischance，Myregiment，too！IfithadbeentheTowheadsIcouldhaveunderstood。”
PrivateSimmonshadoccupiedastrongpositionnearawellontheedgeoftheparade-ground，andwasdefyingtheregimenttocomeonTheregimentwasnotanxioustocomply，forthereissmallhonori：1beingshotbyafellow-privateOnlyCorporalSlane，rifleinband，threwhimselfdownontheground，andwormedhiswaytowardthewell。
“Don’tshoot。”saidhetothemenroundhim；“likeasnotyou’llhitmeI’llcatchthebeggar，livin’。”
Simmonsceasedshoutingforawhile，andthenoiseoftrap-wheelscouldbeheardacrosstheplainMajorOldyn~。
246
WORKSOFRUDYARDKIPLING
CommandingtheHorseBattery，wascomingbackfromadinnerintheCivilLines；wasdrivingafterhisu-ualcustom-thatistosay，asfastasthehorsecouldgo。
“Aorf’cer！Abloomingspangledorf’cer。”shriekedSimmons；“I’llmakeascarecrowofthatorf’cer！”Thetrapstopped。
“What’sthis？”demandedtheMajorofGunners“Youthere，dropyourrifle。”
“Why，it’sJerryBlazes！Iain’tgotnoquarrelwithyou，JerryBlazesPassfrien’，an’all’swell！”
ButJerryBlazeshadnotthefaintestintentionofpassingadangerousmurdererHewas，ashisadoringBatterysworelongandfervently，withoutknowledgeoffear，andtheyweresurelythebestjudges，forJerryBlazes，itwasnotorious，haddonehispossibletokillamaneachtimetheBatterywentout。
HewalkedtowardSimmons，withtheintentionofrushinghim，andknockinghimdown。
“Don’tmakemedoit，Sir。”saidSimmons；“Iain’tgotnothingaginyouAh！youwould？”-theMajorbrokeintoarun-“Takethatthen！”
TheMajordroppedwithabulletthroughhisshoulder，andSimmonsstoodoverhimHehadlostthesatisfactionofkillingLossoninthedesiredway：hutherewasahelplessbodytohishand。
Shouldbeslipinanothercartridge，andblowoffthehead，orwiththebuttsmashinthewhiteface？Hestoppedtoconsider，andacrywentupfromthefarsideoftheparade-ground：“He’skilledJerryBlazes！”Butintheshelterofthewell-pillarsSimmonswassafeexceptwhenhesteppedouttofire“I’llblowyer’andsome’eadoff，JerryBlazes。”saidSimmons，reflectively“Sixan’
threeisnineanoneisten，an’thatleavesmeanothernineteen，an’
oneformyself。”HetuggedatthestringofthesecondpacketofammunitionCorporalSlanecrawledoutoftheshadowofabankintothemoonlight。
“Iseeyou！”saidSimmons“Comeabitfurderonan’I’lldoforyou。”
“I’mcomm’。”saidCorporalSlane，briefly；“you’vedoneabadday’swork，SimComeout’erean’
comebackwithme。”
“Cometo。”-laugbedSimmons，sendingacartridgehomewithhisthumb’~NotbeforeI’vesettledyouan’JerryBlazes。”
TheCorporalwaslyingatfulllengthinthedustoftheparade-ground，arifleunderhimSomeoftheless-cautiousmeninthedistanceshouted：
“Shoot’im！Shoot’im，Slane！”
“Youmove’andorfoot，Slane。”saidSimmons，“an’I’llkickJerryBlazes’’eadin，andshootyouafter。”
“Iain’tmovin’。”saidtheCorporal，raisinghishead；“youdaren’t’itamanon’islegsLetgo0’
JerryBlazesan’comeout0’thatwithyourfistesComean’’itme。
Youdaren’t，youbloomin’
dog-shooter！”
“Idare。”
“Youlie，youman-stickerYousneakin’，Sheenybutcher，youlie。
Seethere！”Slanekickedtherifleaway，andstoodupintheperilofhislife“Comeon，now！”
ThetemptationwasmorethanSimmonscouldresist，fortheCorporalinhiswhiteclothesofferedaperfectmark。
“Don’tmisnameme。”shoutedSimjINTHEMATTEROFAPRIVATE