第51章
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  “EverythingIsawseemedtobeaburdentome;theearthseemedaccursedformysake:alltrees,plants,rocks,hills,andvalesseemedtobedressedinmourningandgroaning,undertheweightofthecurse,andeverythingaroundmeseemedtobeconspiringmyruin。Mysinsseemedtobelaidopen;sothatIthoughtthateveryoneIsawknewthem,andsometimesIwasalmostreadytoacknowledgemanythings,whichIthoughttheyknew:yeasometimesitseemedtomeasifeveryonewaspointingmeoutasthemostguiltywretchuponearth。Ihadnowsogreatasenseofthevanityandemptinessofallthingsherebelow,thatIknewthewholeworldcouldnotpossiblymakemehappy,no,northewholesystemofcreation。WhenIwakedinthemorning,thefirstthoughtwouldbe,Oh,mywretchedsoul,whatshallIdo,whereshallIgo?AndwhenIlaiddown,wouldsay,Ishallbeperhapsinhellbeforemorning。Iwouldmanytimeslookonthebeastswithenvy,wishingwithallmyheartIwasintheirplace,thatI

  mighthavenosoultolose;andwhenIhaveseenbirdsflyingovermyhead,haveoftenthoughtwithinmyself,Oh,thatIcouldflyawayfrommydangeranddistress!Oh,howhappyshouldIbe,ifIwereintheirplace!”[82]

  [82]TheLifeandJournaloftheRev。Mr。HenryAlline,Boston1806,pp。25,26。Iowemyacquaintancewiththisbooktomycolleague,Dr。BenjaminRand。

  Envyoftheplacidbeastsseemstobeaverywidespreadaffectioninthistypeofsadness。

  Theworstkindofmelancholyisthatwhichtakestheformofpanicfear。Hereisanexcellentexample,forpermissiontoprintwhichIhavetothankthesufferer。TheoriginalisinFrench,andthoughthesubjectwasevidentlyinabadnervousconditionatthetimeofwhichhewrites,hiscasehasotherwisethemeritofextremesimplicity。Itranslatefreely。

  “Whilstinthisstateofphilosophicpessimismandgeneraldepressionofspiritsaboutmyprospects,Iwentoneeveningintoadressing-roominthetwilighttoprocuresomearticlethatwasthere;whensuddenlytherefelluponmewithoutanywarning,justasifitcameoutofthedarkness,ahorriblefearofmyownexistence。SimultaneouslytherearoseinmymindtheimageofanepilepticpatientwhomIhadseenintheasylum,ablack-hairedyouthwithgreenishskin,entirelyidiotic,whousedtositalldayononeofthebenches,orrathershelvesagainstthewall,withhiskneesdrawnupagainsthischin,andthecoarsegrayundershirt,whichwashisonlygarment,drawnovertheminclosinghisentirefigure。HesattherelikeasortofsculpturedEgyptiancatorPeruvianmummy,movingnothingbuthisblackeyesandlookingabsolutelynon-human。ThisimageandmyfearenteredintoaspeciesofcombinationwitheachotherTHATSHAPEAMI,I

  felt,potentially。NothingthatIpossesscandefendmeagainstthatfate,ifthehourforitshouldstrikeformeasitstruckforhim。Therewassuchahorrorofhim,andsuchaperceptionofmyownmerelymomentarydiscrepancyfromhim,thatitwasasifsomethinghithertosolidwithinmybreastgavewayentirely,andIbecameamassofquiveringfear。Afterthistheuniversewaschangedformealtogether。Iawokemorningaftermorningwithahorribledreadatthepitofmystomach,andwithasenseoftheinsecurityoflifethatIneverknewbefore,andthatI

  haveneverfeltsince。[83]Itwaslikearevelation;andalthoughtheimmediatefeelingspassedaway,theexperiencehasmademesympatheticwiththemorbidfeelingsofotherseversince。Itgraduallyfaded,butformonthsIwasunabletogooutintothedarkalone。

  [83]CompareBunyan。“TherewasIstruckintoaverygreattrembling,insomuchthatatsometimesIcould,fordaystogether,feelmyverybody,aswellasmymind,toshakeandtotterunderthesenseofthedreadfuljudgmentofGod,thatshouldfallonthosethathavesinnedthatmostfearfulandunpardonablesin。Ifeltalsosuchcloggingandheatatmystomach,byreasonofthismyterror,thatIwas,especiallyatsometimes,asifmybreast-bonewouldhavesplitasunder……

  ThusdidIwind,andtwine,andshrink,undertheburdenthatwasuponme;whichburdenalsodidsooppressmethatIcouldneitherstand,norgo,norlie,eitheratrestorquiet。”

  “IngeneralIdreadedtobeleftalone。Irememberwonderinghowotherpeoplecouldlive,howImyselfhadeverlived,sounconsciousofthatpitofinsecuritybeneaththesurfaceoflife。Mymotherinparticular,averycheerfulperson,seemedtomeaperfectparadoxinherunconsciousnessofdanger,whichyoumaywellbelieveIwasverycarefulnottodisturbbyrevelationsofmyownstateofmindIhavealwaysthoughtthatthisexperienceofmelancholiaofminehadareligiousbearing。”

  Onaskingthiscorrespondenttoexplainmorefullywhathemeantbytheselastwords,theanswerhewrotewasthis:——

  “ImeanthatthefearwassoinvasiveandpowerfulthatifIhadnotclungtoscripture-textslike’TheeternalGodismyrefuge,’

  etc。,’Comeuntome,allyethatlaborandareheavy-laden,’

  etc。,’Iamtheresurrectionandthelife,’etc。,IthinkI

  shouldhavegrownreallyinsane。”[84]

  [84]Foranothercaseoffearequallysudden,seeHenryJames:

  SocietytheRedeemedFormofMan,Boston,1879,pp。43ff。

  Thereisnoneedofmoreexamples。Thecaseswehavelookedatareenough。Oneofthemgivesusthevanityofmortalthings;

  anotherthesenseofsin;andtheremainingonedescribesthefearoftheuniverse;——andinoneorotherofthesethreewaysitalwaysisthatman’soriginaloptimismandself-satisfactiongetleveledwiththedust。

  Innoneofthesecaseswasthereanyintellectualinsanityordelusionaboutmattersoffact;butwerewedisposedtoopenthechapterofreallyinsanemelancholia,withits

  hallucinationsanddelusions,itwouldbeaworsestorystill——desperationabsoluteandcomplete,thewholeuniversecoagulatingaboutthesuffererintoamaterialofoverwhelminghorror,surroundinghimwithoutopeningorend。Nottheconceptionorintellectualperceptionofevil,butthegrislyblood-freezingheart-palsyingsensationofitcloseuponone,andnootherconceptionorsensationabletoliveforamomentinitspresence。Howirrelevantlyremoteseemallourusualrefinedoptimismsandintellectualandmoralconsolationsinpresenceofaneedofhelplikethis!Hereistherealcoreofthereligiousproblem:Help!help!Noprophetcanclaimtobringafinalmessageunlesshesaysthingsthatwillhaveasoundofrealityintheearsofvictimssuchasthese。Butthedeliverancemustcomeinasstrongaformasthecomplaint,ifitistotakeeffect;andthatseemsareasonwhythecoarserreligions,revivalistic,orgiastic,withbloodandmiraclesandsupernaturaloperations,maypossiblyneverbedisplaced。Someconstitutionsneedthemtoomuch。

  Arrivedatthispoint,wecanseehowgreatanantagonismmaynaturallyarisebetweenthehealthy-mindedwayofviewinglifeandthewaythattakesallthisexperienceofevilassomethingessential。Tothislatterway,themorbid-mindedway,aswemightcallit,healthy-mindednesspureandsimpleseemsunspeakablyblindandshallow。Tothehealthy-mindedway,ontheotherhand,thewayofthesicksoulseemsunmanlyanddiseased。

  Withtheirgrubbinginrat-holesinsteadoflivinginthelight;

  withtheirmanufactureoffears,andpreoccupationwitheveryunwholesomekindofmisery,thereissomethingalmostobsceneaboutthesechildrenofwrathandcraversofasecondbirth。Ifreligiousintoleranceandhangingandburningcouldagainbecometheorderoftheday,thereislittledoubtthat,howeveritmayhavebeeninthepast,thehealthy-mindedwouldatpresentshowthemselvesthelessindulgentpartyofthetwo。

  Inourownattitude,notyetabandoned,ofimpartialonlookers,whatarewetosayofthisquarrel?Itseemstomethatweareboundtosaythatmorbid-mindednessrangesoverthewiderscaleofexperience,andthatitssurveyistheonethatoverlaps。Themethodofavertingone’sattentionfromevil,andlivingsimplyinthelightofgoodissplendidaslongasitwillwork。Itwillworkwithmanypersons;itwillworkfarmoregenerallythanmostofusarereadytosuppose;andwithinthesphereofitssuccessfuloperationthereisnothingtobesaidagainstitasareligioussolution。Butitbreaksdownimpotentlyassoonasmelancholycomes;andeventhoughonebequitefreefrommelancholyone’sself,thereisnodoubtthathealthy-mindednessisinadequateasaphilosophicaldoctrine,becausetheevilfactswhichitrefusespositivelytoaccountforareagenuineportionofreality;andtheymayafterallbethebestkeytolife’ssignificance,andpossiblytheonlyopenersofoureyestothedeepestlevelsoftruth。

  Thenormalprocessoflifecontainsmomentsasbadasanyofthosewhichinsanemelancholyisfilledwith,momentsinwhichradicalevilgetsitsinningsandtakesitssolidturn。Thelunatic’svisionsofhorrorarealldrawnfromthematerialofdailyfact。Ourcivilizationisfoundedontheshambles,andeveryindividualexistencegoesoutinalonelyspasmofhelplessagony。Ifyouprotest,myfriend,waittillyouarrivethereyourself!Tobelieveinthecarnivorousreptilesofgeologictimesishardforourimagination——theyseemtoomuchlikemeremuseumspecimens。Yetthereisnotoothinanyoneofthosemuseum-skullsthatdidnotdailythroughlongyearsoftheforetimeholdfasttothebodystrugglingindespairofsomefatedlivingvictim。Formsofhorrorjustasdreadfultothevictims,ifonasmallerspatialscale,filltheworldaboutusto-day。Hereonourveryhearthsandinourgardenstheinfernalcatplayswiththepantingmouse,orholdsthehotbirdflutteringinherjaws。Crocodilesandrattlesnakesandpythonsareatthismomentvesselsoflifeasrealasweare;theirloathsomeexistencefillseveryminuteofeverydaythatdragsitslengthalong;andwhenevertheyorotherwildbeastsclutchtheirlivingprey,thedeadlyhorrorwhichanagitatedmelancholiacfeelsistheliterallyrightreactiononthesituation。[85]

  [85]Example:“Itwasabouteleveno’clockatnight……butI

  strolledonstillwiththepeople……Suddenlyupontheleftsideofourroad,acracklingwasheardamongthebushes;allofuswerealarmed,andinaninstantatiger,rushingoutofthejungle,pouncedupontheoneofthepartythatwasforemost,andcarriedhimoffinthetwinklingofaneye。Therushoftheanimal,andthecrushofthepoorvictim’sbonesinhismouth,andhislastcryofdistress,’Hohai!’involuntarilyreechoedbyallofus,wasoverinthreeseconds;andthenIknownotwhathappenedtillIreturnedtomysenses,whenIfoundmyselfandcompanionslyingdownonthegroundasifpreparedtobedevouredbyourenemythesovereignoftheforest。Ifindmypenincapableofdescribingtheterrorofthatdreadfulmoment。Ourlimbsstiffened,ourpowerofspeechceased,andourheartsbeatviolently,andonlyawhisperofthesame’Hohai!’washeardfromus。Inthisstatewecreptonallfoursforsomedistanceback,andthenranforlifewiththespeedofanArabhorseforabouthalfanhour,andfortunatelyhappenedtocometoasmallvillage……Afterthiseveryoneofuswasattackedwithfever,attendedwithshivering,inwhichdeplorablestateweremainedtillmorning。”——AutobiographyofLutullahaMohammedanGentleman,Leipzig,1857,p。112。

  Itmayindeedbethatnoreligiousreconciliationwiththeabsolutetotalityofthingsispossible。Someevils,indeed,areministerialtohigherformsofgood;butitmaybethatthereareformsofevilsoextremeastoenterintonogoodsystemwhatsoever,andthat,inrespectofsuchevil,dumbsubmissionorneglecttonoticeistheonlypracticalresource。Thisquestionmustconfrontusonalaterday。Butprovisionally,andasamerematterofprogramandmethod,sincetheevilfactsareasgenuinepartsofnatureasthegoodones,thephilosophicpresumptionshouldbethattheyhavesomerationalsignificance,andthatsystematichealthy-mindedness,failingasitdoestoaccordtosorrow,pain,anddeathanypositiveandactiveattentionwhatever,isformallylesscompletethansystemsthattryatleasttoincludetheseelementsintheirscope。

  Thecompletestreligionswouldthereforeseemtobethoseinwhichthepessimisticelementsarebestdeveloped。Buddhism,ofcourse,andChristianityarethebestknowntousofthese。Theyareessentiallyreligionsofdeliverance:themanmustdietoanunreallifebeforehecanbebornintothereallife。Inmynextlecture,Iwilltrytodiscusssomeofthepsychologicalconditionsofthissecondbirth。Fortunatelyfromnowonwardweshallhavetodealwithmorecheerfulsubjectsthanthosewhichwehaverecentlybeendwellingon。

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