Nowtherearesomesubjectswhomallthisleavesapreytotheprofoundestastonishment。Thestrangenessiswrong。Theunrealitycannotbe。Amysteryisconcealed，andametaphysicalsolutionmustexist。Ifthenaturalworldissodouble-facedandunhomelike，whatworld，whatthingisreal？Anurgentwonderingandquestioningissetup，aporingtheoreticactivity，andinthedesperateefforttogetintorightrelationswiththematter，thesuffererisoftenledtowhatbecomesforhimasatisfyingreligioussolution。
Atabouttheageoffifty，Tolstoyrelatesthathebegantohavemomentsofperplexity，ofwhathecallsarrest，asifheknewnot“howtolive。”orwhattodo。Itisobviousthattheseweremomentsinwhichtheexcitementandinterestwhichourfunctionsnaturallybringhadceased。Lifehadbeenenchanting，itwasnowflatsober，morethansober，dead。Thingsweremeaninglesswhosemeaninghadalwaysbeenself-evident。Thequestions“Why？”and“Whatnext？”begantobesethimmoreandmorefrequently。Atfirstitseemedasifsuchquestionsmustbeanswerable，andasifhecouldeasilyfindtheanswersifhewouldtakethetime；butastheyeverbecamemoreurgent，heperceivedthatitwaslikethosefirstdiscomfortsofasickman，towhichhepaysbutlittleattentiontilltheyrunintoonecontinuoussuffering，andthenherealizesthatwhathetookforapassingdisordermeansthemostmomentousthingintheworldforhim，meanshisdeath。
Thesequestions“Why？”“Wherefore？”“Whatfor？”foundnoresponse。
“Ifelt。”saysTolstoy，“thatsomethinghadbrokenwithinmeonwhichmylifehadalwaysrested，thatIhadnothinglefttoholdonto，andthatmorallymylifehadstopped。Aninvincibleforceimpelledmetogetridofmyexistence，inonewayoranother。ItcannotbesaidexactlythatIWISHEDtokillmyself，fortheforcewhichdrewmeawayfromlifewasfuller，morepowerful，moregeneralthananymeredesire。Itwasaforcelikemyoldaspirationtolive，onlyitimpelledmeintheoppositedirection。Itwasanaspirationofmywholebeingtogetoutoflife。
“Beholdmethen，amanhappyandingoodhealth，hidingtheropeinordernottohangmyselftotheraftersoftheroomwhereeverynightIwenttosleepalone；beholdmenolongergoingshooting，lestIshouldyieldtothetooeasytemptationofputtinganendtomyselfwithmygun。
“IdidnotknowwhatIwanted。Iwasafraidoflife；Iwasdriventoleaveit；andinspiteofthatIstillhopedsomethingfromit。
“Allthistookplaceatatimewhensofarasallmyoutercircumstanceswent，Ioughttohavebeencompletelyhappy。IhadagoodwifewholovedmeandwhomIloved；goodchildrenandalargepropertywhichwasincreasingwithnopainstakenonmypart。IwasmorerespectedbymykinsfolkandacquaintancethanIhadeverbeen；Iwasloadedwithpraisebystrangers；andwithoutexaggerationIcouldbelievemynamealreadyfamous。
MoreoverIwasneitherinsanenorill。Onthecontrary，I
possessedaphysicalandmentalstrengthwhichIhaverarelymetinpersonsofmyage。Icouldmowaswellasthepeasants，I
couldworkwithmybraineighthoursuninterruptedlyandfeelnobadeffects。
“AndyetIcouldgivenoreasonablemeaningtoanyactionsofmylife。AndIwassurprisedthatIhadnotunderstoodthisfromtheverybeginning。Mystateofmindwasasifsomewickedandstupidjestwasbeingplayeduponmebysomeone。Onecanliveonlysolongasoneisintoxicated，drunkwithlife；butwhenonegrowssoberonecannotfailtoseethatitisallastupidcheat。
Whatistruestaboutitisthatthereisnothingevenfunnyorsillyinit；itiscruelandstupid，purelyandsimply。
“Theorientalfableofthetravelersurprisedinthedesertbyawildbeastisveryold。
“Seekingtosavehimselffromthefierceanimal，thetravelerjumpsintoawellwithnowaterinit；butatthebottomofthiswellheseesadragonwaitingwithopenmouthtodevourhim。Andtheunhappyman，notdaringtogooutlestheshouldbethepreyofthebeast，notdaringtojumptothebottomlestheshouldbedevouredbythedragon，clingstothebranchesofawildbushwhichgrowsoutofoneofthecracksofthewell。Hishandsweaken，andhefeelsthathemustsoongivewaytocertainfate；
butstillheclings，andseetwomice，onewhite，theotherblack，evenlymovingroundthebushtowhichhehangs，andgnawingoffitsroots“Thetravelerseesthisandknowsthathemustinevitablyperish；
butwhilethushanginghelooksabouthimandfindsontheleavesofthebushsomedropsofhoney。Thesehereacheswithhistongueandlicksthemoffwithrapture。
“ThusIhangupontheboughsoflife，knowingthattheinevitabledragonofdeathiswaitingreadytotearme，andIcannotcomprehendwhyIamthusmadeamartyr。Itrytosuckthehoneywhichformerlyconsoledme；butthehoneypleasesmenolonger，anddayandnightthewhitemouseandtheblackmousegnawthebranchtowhichIcling。Icanseebutonething：theinevitabledragonandthemice——Icannotturnmygazeawayfromthem。
“Thisisnofable，buttheliteralincontestabletruthwhicheveryonemayunderstand。WhatwillbetheoutcomeofwhatIdoto-day？OfwhatIshalldoto-morrow？Whatwillbetheoutcomeofallmylife？WhyshouldIlive？WhyshouldIdoanything？
Isthereinlifeanypurposewhichtheinevitabledeathwhichawaitsmedoesnotundoanddestroy？
“Thesequestionsarethesimplestintheworld。Fromthestupidchildtothewisestoldman，theyareinthesoulofeveryhumanbeing。Withoutananswertothem，itisimpossible，asI
experienced，forlifetogoon。
“’Butperhaps，’Ioftensaidtomyself，’theremaybesomethingIhavefailedtonoticeortocomprehend。Itisnotpossiblethatthisconditionofdespairshouldbenaturaltomankind。’AndIsoughtforanexplanationinallthebranchesofknowledgeacquiredbymen。Iquestionedpainfullyandprotractedlyandwithnoidlecuriosity。Isought，notwithindolence，butlaboriouslyandobstinatelyfordaysandnightstogether。I
soughtlikeamanwhoislostandseekstosavehimself——andI
foundnothing。Ibecameconvinced，moreover，thatallthosewhobeforemehadsoughtforananswerinthescienceshavealsofoundnothing。Andnotonlythis，butthattheyhaverecognizedthattheverythingwhichwasleadingmetodespair——themeaninglessabsurdityoflife——istheonlyincontestableknowledgeaccessibletoman。”
Toprovethispoint，TolstoyquotestheBuddha，Solomon，andSchopenhauer。Andhefindsonlyfourwaysinwhichmenofhisownclassandsocietyareaccustomedtomeetthesituation。
Eithermereanimalblindness，suckingthehoneywithoutseeingthedragonorthemice——“andfromsuchaway。”hesays，“Icanlearnnothing，afterwhatInowknow；“orreflectiveepicureanism，snatchingwhatitcanwhilethedaylasts——whichisonlyamoredeliberatesortofstupefactionthanthefirst；ormanlysuicide；orseeingthemiceanddragonandyetweaklyandplaintivelyclingingtothebushoflife。Suicidewasnaturallytheconsistentcoursedictatedbythelogicalintellect。
“Yet。”saysTolstoy，“whilstmyintellectwasworking，somethingelseinmewasworkingtoo，andkeptmefromthedeed——aconsciousnessoflife，asImaycallit，whichwaslikeaforcethatobligedmymindtofixitselfinanotherdirectionanddrawmeoutofmysituationofdespair……Duringthewholecourseofthisyear，whenIalmostunceasinglykeptaskingmyselfhowtoendthebusiness，whetherbytheropeorbythebullet，duringallthattime，alongsideofallthosemovementsofmyideasandobservations，myheartkeptlanguishingwithanotherpiningemotion。IcancallthisbynoothernamethanthatofathirstforGod。ThiscravingforGodhadnothingtodowiththemovementofmyideas——infact，itwasthedirectcontraryofthatmovement——butitcamefrommyheart。Itwaslikeafeelingofdreadthatmademeseemlikeanorphanandisolatedinthemidstofallthesethingsthatweresoforeign。Andthisfeelingofdreadwasmitigatedbythehopeoffindingtheassistanceofsomeone。”[80]
[80]MyextractsarefromtheFrenchtranslationby“Zonia。”
InabridgingIhavetakenthelibertyoftransposingonepassage。
Oftheprocess，intellectualaswellasemotional，which，startingfromthisideaofGod，ledtoTolstoy’srecovery，Iwillsaynothinginthislecture，reservingitforalaterhour。Theonlythingthatneedinterestusnowisthephenomenonofhisabsolutedisenchantmentwithordinarylife，andthefactthatthewholerangeofhabitualvaluesmay，toamanaspowerfulandfulloffacultyashewas，cometoappearsoghastlyamockery。
Whendisillusionmenthasgoneasfarasthis，thereisseldomarestitutioadintegrum。Onehastastedofthefruitofthetree，andthehappinessofEdennevercomesagain。Thehappinessthatcomes，whenanydoescome——andoftenenoughitfailstoreturninanacuteform，thoughitsformissometimesveryacute——isnotthesimple，ignoranceofill，butsomethingvastlymorecomplex，includingnaturalevilasoneofitselements，butfindingnaturalevilnosuchstumbling-blockandterrorbecauseitnowseesitswallowedupinsupernaturalgood。Theprocessisoneofredemption，notofmerereversiontonaturalhealth，andthesufferer，whensaved，issavedbywhatseemstohimasecondbirth，adeeperkindofconsciousbeingthanhecouldenjoybefore。
WefindasomewhatdifferenttypeofreligiousmelancholyenshrinedinliteratureinJohnBunyan’sautobiography。Tolstoy’spreoccupationswerelargelyobjective，forthepurposeandmeaningoflifeingeneralwaswhatsotroubledhim；butpoorBunyan’stroubleswereovertheconditionofhisownpersonalself。Hewasatypicalcaseofthepsychopathictemperament，sensitiveofconsciencetoadiseaseddegree，besetbydoubts，fearsandinsistentideas，andavictimofverbalautomatisms，bothmotorandsensory。ThesewereusuallytextsofScripturewhich，sometimesdamnatoryandsometimesfavorable，wouldcomeinahalf-hallucinatoryformasiftheywerevoices，andfastenonhismindandbuffetitbetweenthemlikeashuttlecock。Addedtothiswereafearfulmelancholyself-contemptanddespair。
“Nay，thoughtI，nowIgrowworseandworse，nowIamfartherfromconversionthaneverIwasbefore。IfnowIshouldhaveburnedatthestake，IcouldnotbelievethatChristhadloveforme；alas，Icouldneitherhearhim，norseehim，norfeelhim，norsavoranyofhisthings。SometimesIwouldtellmyconditiontothepeopleofGod，which，whentheyheard，theywouldpityme，andwouldtellofthePromises。ButtheyhadasgoodhavetoldmethatImustreachtheSunwithmyfingerashavebiddenmereceiveorrelyuponthePromise。[Yet]allthiswhileastotheactofsinning，Ineverwasmoretenderthannow；Idurstnottakeapinorstick，thoughbutsobigasastraw，formyconsciencenowwassore，andwouldsmartateverytouch；I
couldnottellhowtospeakmywords，forfearIshouldmisplacethem。Oh，howgingerlydidIthengo，inallIdidorsaid！I
foundmyselfasonamirybogthatshookifIdidbutstir；andwasasthereleftbothbyGodandChrist，andthespirit，andallgoodthings。
“Butmyoriginalandinwardpollution，thatwasmyplagueandmyaffliction。Byreasonofthat，Iwasmoreloathsomeinmyowneyesthanwasatoad；andIthoughtIwassoinGod’seyestoo。
Sinandcorruption，Isaid，wouldasnaturallybubbleoutofmyheartaswaterwouldbubbleoutofafountain。Icouldhavechangedheartwithanybody。IthoughtnonebuttheDevilhimselfcouldequalmeforinwardwickednessandpollutionofmind。
Sure，thoughtI，IamforsakenofGod；andthusIcontinuedalongwhile，evenforsomeyearstogether。
“AndnowIwassorrythatGodhadmademeaman。Thebeasts，birds，fishes，etc。，Iblessedtheircondition，fortheyhadnotasinfulnature；theywerenotobnoxioustothewrathofGod；
theywerenottogotohell-fireafterdeath。Icouldthereforehaverejoiced，hadmyconditionbeenasanyoftheirs。NowI
blessedtheconditionofthedogandtoad，yea，gladlywouldI
havebeenintheconditionofthedogorhorse，forIknewtheyhadnosoultoperishundertheeverlastingweightofHellorSin，asminewasliketodo。Nay，andthoughIsawthis，feltthis，andwasbrokentopieceswithit，yetthatwhichaddedtomysorrowwas，thatIcouldnotfindwithallmysoulthatIdiddesiredeliverance。Myheartwasattimesexceedinglyhard。IfIwouldhavegivenathousandpoundsforatear，Icouldnotshedone；no，norsometimesscarcedesiretoshedone。
“Iwasbothaburthenandaterrortomyself；nordidIeversoknow，asnow，whatitwastobewearyofmylife，andyetafraidtodie。HowgladlywouldIhavebeenanythingbutmyself！
Anythingbutaman！andinanyconditionbutmyown。”[81]
[81]GraceaboundingtotheChiefofSinners：Ihaveprintedanumberofdetachedpassagescontinuously。
PoorpatientBunyan，likeTolstoy，sawthelightagain，butwemustalsopostponethatpartofhisstorytoanotherhour。InalaterlectureIwillalsogivetheendoftheexperienceofHenryAlline，adevotedevangelistwhoworkedinNovaScotiaahundredyearsago，andwhothusvividlydescribesthehigh-watermarkofthereligiousmelancholywhichformeditsbeginning。ThetypewasnotunlikeBunyan’s。