ThoughRaskolnikovlookedatSoniaashesaidthis,henolongercaredwhethersheunderstoodornot。Thefeverhadcompleteholdofhim;hewasinasortofgloomyecstasyhecertainlyhadbeentoolongwithouttalkingtoanyone。Soniafeltthathisgloomycreedhadbecomehisfaithandcode。
“Idivinedthen,Sonia,“hewentoneagerly,“thatpowerisonlyvouchsafedtothemanwhodarestostoopandpickitup。Thereisonlyonething,onethingneedful：onehasonlytodare!Thenforthefirsttimeinmylifeanideatookshapeinmymindwhichnoonehadeverthoughtofbeforeme,noone!Isawclearasdaylighthowstrangeitisthatnotasinglepersonlivinginthismadworldhashadthedaringtogostraightforitallandsenditflyingtothedevil!I……
Iwantedtohavethedaring……andIkilledher。Ionlywantedtohavethedaring,Sonia!Thatwasthewholecauseofit！”
“Ohhush,hush,“criedSonia,claspingherhands。“YouturnedawayfromGodandGodhassmittenyou,hasgivenyouovertothedevil！”
“ThenSonia,whenIusedtoliethereinthedarkandallthisbecamecleartome,wasitatemptationofthedevil,eh？”
“Hush,don\'tlaugh,blasphemer!Youdon\'tunderstand,youdon\'tunderstand!OhGod!Hewon\'tunderstand！”
“Hush,Sonia!Iamnotlaughing。Iknowmyselfthatitwasthedevilleadingme。Hush,Sonia,hush！”herepeatedwithgloomyinsistence。“I
knowitall,Ihavethoughtitalloverandoverandwhispereditallovertomyself,lyingthereinthedark……I\'veargueditalloverwithmyself,everypointofit,andIknowitall,all!Andhowsick,howsickIwasthenofgoingoveritall!Ihavekeptwantingtoforgetitandmakeanewbeginning,Sonia,andleaveoffthinking。Andyoudon\'tsupposethatIwentintoitheadlonglikeafool?Iwentintoitlikeawiseman,andthatwasjustmydestruction。Andyoumustn\'tsupposethatIdidn\'tknow,forinstance,thatifIbegantoquestionmyselfwhetherIhadtherighttogainpower-Icertainlyhadn\'ttheright-orthatifIaskedmyselfwhetherahumanbeingisalouseitprovedthatitwasn\'tsoforme,thoughitmightbeforamanwhowouldgostraighttohisgoalwithoutaskingquestions……IfI
worriedmyselfallthosedays,wonderingwhetherNapoleonwouldhavedoneitornot,IfeltclearlyofcoursethatIwasn\'tNapoleon。Ihadtoendurealltheagonyofthatbattleofideas,Sonia,andIlongedtothrowitoff：Iwantedtomurderwithoutcasuistry,tomurderformyownsake,formyselfalone!Ididn\'twanttolieaboutiteventomyself。Itwasn\'ttohelpmymotherIdidthemurder-that\'snonsense-
Ididn\'tdothemurdertogainwealthandpowerandtobecomeabenefactorofmankind。Nonsense!Isimplydidit;Ididthemurderformyself,formyselfalone,andwhetherIbecameabenefactortoothers,orspentmylifelikeaspidercatchingmeninmywebandsuckingthelifeoutofmen,Icouldn\'thavecaredatthatmoment……AnditwasnotthemoneyIwanted,Sonia,whenIdidit。ItwasnotsomuchthemoneyIwanted,butsomethingelse……Iknowitallnow……
Understandme!PerhapsIshouldneverhavecommittedamurderagain。I
wantedtofindoutsomethingelse;itwassomethingelseledmeon。
IwantedtofindoutthenandquicklywhetherIwasalouselikeeverybodyelseoraman。WhetherIcanstepoverbarriersornot,whetherIdarestooptopickupornot,whetherIamatremblingcreatureorwhetherIhavetheright……“
“Tokill?Havetherighttokill？”Soniaclaspedherhands。
“Ach,Sonia！”hecriedirritablyandseemedabouttomakesomeretort,butwascontemptuouslysilent。“Don\'tinterruptme,Sonia。I
wanttoproveonethingonly,thatthedevilledmeonthenandhehasshownmesincethatIhadnottherighttotakethatpath,becauseI
amjustsuchalouseasalltherest。HewasmockingmeandhereI\'vecometoyounow!Welcomeyourguest!IfIwerenotalouse,shouldIhavecometoyou?Listen：whenIwentthentotheoldwoman\'sIonlywenttotry……Youmaybesureofthat！”
“Andyoumurderedher！”
“ButhowdidImurderher?Isthathowmendomurders?DomengotocommitamurderasIwentthen?IwilltellyousomedayhowI
went!DidImurdertheoldwoman?Imurderedmyself,nother!I
crushedmyselfonceforall,forever……Butitwasthedevilthatkilledthatoldwoman,notI。Enough,enough,Sonia,enough!Letmebe！”hecriedinasuddenspasmofagony,“letmebe！”
Heleanedhiselbowsonhiskneesandsqueezedhisheadinhishandsasinavise。
“Whatsuffering！”AwailofanguishbrokefromSonia。
“Well,whatamItodonow？”heasked,suddenlyraisinghisheadandlookingatherwithafacehideouslydistortedbydespair。
“Whatareyoutodo？”shecried,jumpingup,andhereyesthathadbeenfulloftearssuddenlybegantoshine。“Standup！”Sheseizedhimbytheshoulder,hegotup,lookingatheralmostbewildered。“Goatonce,thisveryminute,standatthecross-roads,bowdown,firstkisstheearthwhichyouhavedefiledandthenbowdowntoalltheworldandsaytoallmenaloud,\'Iamamurderer!\'ThenGodwillsendyoulifeagain。Willyougo,willyougo？”sheaskedhim,tremblingallover,snatchinghistwohands,squeezingthemtightinhersandgazingathimwitheyesfulloffire。
Hewasamazedathersuddenecstasy。
“YoumeanSiberia,Sonia?Imustgivemyselfup？”heaskedgloomily。
“Sufferandexpiateyoursinbyit,that\'swhatyoumustdo。“
“No!Iamnotgoingtothem,Sonia！”
“Buthowwillyougoonliving?Whatwillyoulivefor？”criedSonia,“howisitpossiblenow?Why,howcanyoutalktoyourmother?Oh,whatwillbecomeofthemnow!ButwhatamIsaying?
Youhaveabandonedyourmotherandyoursisteralready。Hehasabandonedthemalready!Oh,God！”shecried,“why,heknowsitallhimself。How,howcanhelivebyhimself!Whatwillbecomeofyounow？”
“Don\'tbeachild,Sonia,“hesaidsoftly。“WhatwronghaveIdonethem?WhyshouldIgotothem?WhatshouldIsaytothem?That\'sonlyaphantom……Theydestroymenbymillionsthemselvesandlookonitasavirtue。Theyareknavesandscoundrels,Sonia!Iamnotgoingtothem。AndwhatshouldIsaytothem-thatImurderedher,butdidnotdaretotakethemoneyandhiditunderastone？”headdedwithabittersmile。“Why,theywouldlaughatme,andwouldcallmeafoolfornotgettingit。Acowardandafool!Theywouldn\'tunderstandandtheydon\'tdeservetounderstand。WhyshouldIgotothem?I
won\'t。Don\'tbeachild,Sonia……“
“Itwillbetoomuchforyoutobear,toomuch！”sherepeated,holdingoutherhandsindespairingsupplication。
“PerhapsI\'vebeenunfairtomyself,“heobservedgloomily,pondering,“perhapsafterallIamamanandnotalouseandI\'vebeenintoogreatahurrytocondemnmyself。I\'llmakeanotherfightforit。“
Ahaughtysmileappearedonhislips。
“Whataburdentobear!Andyourwholelife,yourwholelife！”
“Ishallgetusedtoit,“hesaidgrimlyandthoughtfully。“Listen,“
hebeganaminutelater,“stopcrying,it\'stimetotalkofthefacts：
I\'vecometotellyouthatthepoliceareafterme,onmytrack……“
“Ach！”Soniacriedinterror。
“Well,whydoyoucryout?YouwantmetogotoSiberiaandnowyouarefrightened?Butletmetellyou：Ishallnotgivemyselfup。I
shallmakeastruggleforitandtheywon\'tdoanythingtome。They\'venorealevidence。YesterdayIwasingreatdangerandbelievedIwaslost;butto-daythingsaregoingbetter。Allthefactstheyknowcanbeexplainedtwoways,that\'stosayIcanturntheiraccusationstomycredit,doyouunderstand?AndIshall,forI\'velearntmylesson。Buttheywillcertainlyarrestme。Ifithadnotbeenforsomethingthathappened,theywouldhavedonesoto-dayforcertain;perhapsevennowtheywillarrestmeto-day……Butthat\'snomatter,Sonia;they\'llletmeoutagain……forthereisn\'tanyrealproofagainstme,andtherewon\'tbe,Igiveyoumywordforit。Andtheycan\'tconvictamanonwhattheyhaveagainstme。Enough……I
onlytellyouthatyoumayknow……Iwilltrytomanagesomehowtoputittomymotherandsistersothattheywon\'tbefrightened……Mysister\'sfutureissecure,however,now,Ibelieve……andmymother\'smustbetoo……Well,that\'sall。Becareful,though。WillyoucomeandseemeinprisonwhenIamthere？”
“Oh,Iwill,Iwill。“
Theysatsidebyside,bothmournfulanddejected,asthoughtheyhadbeencastupbythetempestaloneonsomedesertedshore。HelookedatSoniaandfelthowgreatwasherloveforhim,andstrangetosayhefeltitsuddenlyburdensomeandpainfultobesoloved。Yes,itwasastrangeandawfulsensation!OnhiswaytoseeSoniahehadfeltthatallhishopesrestedonher;heexpectedtoberidofatleastpartofhissuffering,andnow,whenallherheartturnedtowardshim,hesuddenlyfeltthathewasimmeasurablyunhappierthanbefore。
“Sonia,“hesaid,“you\'dbetternotcomeandseemewhenIaminprison。“
Soniadidnotanswer,shewascrying。Severalminutespassed。
“Haveyouacrossonyou？”sheasked,asthoughsuddenlythinkingofit。
Hedidnotatfirstunderstandthequestion。
“No,ofcoursenot。Here,takethisone,ofcypresswood。Ihaveanother,acopperonethatbelongedtoLizaveta。IchangedwithLizaveta：shegavemehercrossandIgavehermylittleikon。I
willwearLizaveta\'snowandgiveyouthis。Takeit……it\'smine!It\'smine,youknow,“shebeggedhim。“Wewillgotosuffertogether,andtogetherwewillbearourcross！”
“Giveitme,“saidRaskolnikov。
Hedidnotwanttohurtherfeelings。Butimmediatelyhedrewbackthehandheheldoutforthecross。
“Notnow,Sonia。Betterlater,“headdedtocomforther。
“Yes,yes,better,“sherepeatedwithconviction,“whenyougotomeetyoursuffering,thenputiton。Youwillcometome,I\'llputitonyou,wewillprayandgotogether。“
Atthatmomentsomeoneknockedthreetimesatthedoor。
“SofyaSemyonovna,mayIcomein？”theyheardinaveryfamiliarandpolitevoice。
Soniarushedtothedoorinafright。TheflaxenheadofMr。
Lebeziatnikovappearedatthedoor。
ChapterFiveLEBEZIATNIKOVlookedperturbed。
“I\'vecometoyou,SofyaSemyonovna,“hebegan。“Excuseme……I
thoughtIshouldfindyou,“hesaid,addressingRaskolnikovsuddenly,“thatis,Ididn\'tmeananything……ofthatsort……ButI
justthought……KaterinaIvanovnahasgoneoutofhermind,“heblurtedoutsuddenly,turningfromRaskolnikovtoSonia。
Soniascreamed。
“Atleastitseemsso。But……wedon\'tknowwhattodo,yousee!Shecameback-sheseemstohavebeenturnedoutsomewhere,perhapsbeaten……Soitseemsatleast,……Shehadruntoyourfather\'sformerchief,shedidn\'tfindhimathome：hewasdiningatsomeothergeneral\'s……Onlyfancy,sherushedoffthere,totheothergeneral\'s,and,imagine,shewassopersistentthatshemanagedtogetthechieftoseeher,hadhimfetchedoutfromdinner,itseems。Youcanimaginewhathappened。Shewasturnedout,ofcourse;but,accordingtoherownstory,sheabusedhimandthrewsomethingathim。
Onemaywellbelieveit……Howitisshewasn\'ttakenup,Ican\'tunderstand!Nowsheistellingeveryone,includingAmaliaIvanovna;
butit\'sdifficulttounderstandher,sheisscreamingandflingingherselfabout……Ohyes,sheshoutsthatsinceeveryonehasabandonedher,shewilltakethechildrenandgointothestreetwithabarrel-organ,andthechildrenwillsinganddance,andshetoo,andcollectmoney,andwillgoeverydayunderthegeneral\'swindow……\'toleteveryoneseewell-bornchildren,whosefatherwasanofficial,begginginthestreet。\'Shekeepsbeatingthechildrenandtheyareallcrying。SheisteachingLidatosing\'MyVillage,\'
theboytodance,Polenkathesame。Sheistearingupalltheclothes,andmakingthemlittlecapslikeactors;shemeanstocarryatinbasinandmakeittinkle,insteadofmusic……Shewon\'tlistentoanything……Imaginethestateofthings!It\'sbeyondanything！”
Lebeziatnikovwouldhavegoneon,butSonia,whohadheardhimalmostbreathless,snatcheduphercloakandhat,andranoutoftheroom,puttingonherthingsasshewent。RaskolnikovfollowedherandLebeziatnikovcameafterhim。
“Shehascertainlygonemad！”hesaidtoRaskolnikov,astheywentoutintothestreet。“Ididn\'twanttofrightenSofyaSemyonovna,soI
said\'itseemedlikeit,\'butthereisn\'tadoubtofit。Theysaythatinconsumption,thetuberclessometimesoccurinthebrain;it\'sapityIknownothingofmedicine。Ididtrytopersuadeher,butshewouldn\'tlisten。“
“Didyoutalktoheraboutthetubercles？”
“Notpreciselyofthetubercles。Besides,shewouldn\'thaveunderstood!ButwhatIsayis,thatifyouconvinceapersonlogicallythathehasnothingtocryabout,he\'llstopcrying。That\'sclear。
Isityourconvictionthathewon\'t？”
“Lifewouldbetooeasyifitwereso,“answeredRaskolnikov。
“Excuseme,excuseme;ofcourseitwouldberatherdifficultforKaterinaIvanovnatounderstand,butdoyouknowthatinParistheyhavebeenconductingseriousexperimentsastothepossibilityofcuringtheinsane,simplybylogicalargument?Oneprofessorthere,ascientificmanofstanding,latelydead,believedinthepossibilityofsuchtreatment。Hisideawasthatthere\'snothingreallywrongwiththephysicalorganismoftheinsane,andthatinsanityis,sotosay,alogicalmistake,anerrorofjudgment,anincorrectviewofthings。Hegraduallyshowedthemadmanhiserrorand,wouldyoubelieveit,theysayhewassuccessful?Butashemadeuseofdouchestoo,howfarsuccesswasduetothattreatmentremainsuncertain……Soitseemsatleast。“
Raskolnikovhadlongceasedtolisten。Reachingthehousewherehelived,henoddedtoLebeziatnikovandwentinatthegate。
Lebeziatnikovwokeupwithastart,lookedabouthimandhurriedon。
Raskolnikovwentintohislittleroomandstoodstillinthemiddleofit。Whyhadhecomebackhere?Helookedattheyellowandtatteredpaper,atthedust,athissofa……Fromtheyardcamealoudcontinuousknocking;someoneseemedtobehammering……Hewenttothewindow,roseontiptoeandlookedoutintotheyardforalongtimewithanairofabsorbedattention。Buttheyardwasemptyandhecouldnotseewhowashammering。Inthehouseonthelefthesawsomeopenwindows;onthewindow-sillswerepotsofsickly-lookinggeraniums。
Linenwashungoutofthewindows……Heknewitallbyheart。Heturnedawayandsatdownonthesofa。
Never,neverhadhefelthimselfsofearfullyalone!
Yes,hefeltoncemorethathewouldperhapscometohateSonia,nowthathehadmadehermoremiserable。
“Whyhadhegonetohertobegforhertears?Whatneedhadhetopoisonherlife?Oh,themeannessofit！”
“Iwillremainalone,“hesaidresolutely,“andsheshallnotcometotheprison！”
Fiveminuteslaterheraisedhisheadwithastrangesmile。Thatwasastrangethought。
“PerhapsitreallywouldbebetterinSiberia,“hethoughtsuddenly。
Hecouldnothavesaidhowlonghesattherewithvaguethoughtssurgingthroughhismind。AllatoncethedooropenedandDouniacamein。Atfirstshestoodstillandlookedathimfromthedoorway,justashehaddoneatSonia;thenshecameinandsatdowninthesameplaceasyesterday,onthechairfacinghim。Helookedsilentlyandalmostvacantlyather。
“Don\'tbeangry,brother;I\'veonlycomeforoneminute,“saidDounia。
Herfacelookedthoughtfulbutnotstern。Hereyeswerebrightandsoft。Hesawthatshetoohadcometohimwithlove。
“Brother,nowIknowall,all。DmitriProkofitchhasexplainedandtoldmeeverything。Theyareworryingandpersecutingyouthroughastupidandcontemptiblesuspicion……DmitriProkofitchtoldmethatthereisnodanger,andthatyouarewronginlookinguponitwithsuchhorror。Idon\'tthinkso,andIfullyunderstandhowindignantyoumustbe,andthatthatindignationmayhaveapermanenteffectonyou。That\'swhatIamafraidof。Asforyourcuttingyourselfofffromus,Idon\'tjudgeyou,Idon\'tventuretojudgeyou,andforgivemeforhavingblamedyouforit。IfeelthatItoo,ifIhadsogreatatrouble,shouldkeepawayfromeveryone。Ishalltellmothernothingofthis,butIshalltalkaboutyoucontinuallyandshalltellherfromyouthatyouwillcomeverysoon。Don\'tworryabouther;Iwillsethermindatrest;butdon\'tyoutryhertoomuch-comeonceatleast;rememberthatsheisyourmother。AndnowIhavecomesimplytosay“Douniabegantogetup“thatifyoushouldneedmeorshouldneed……allmylifeoranything……callme,andI\'llcome。Good-bye！”
Sheturnedabruptlyandwenttowardsthedoor。
“Dounia！”Raskolnikovstoppedherandwenttowardsher。“ThatRazumihin,DmitriProkofitch,isaverygoodfellow。“
Douniaflushedslightly。
“Well？”sheasked,waitingamoment。
“Heiscompetent,hardworking,honestandcapableofreallove……
Good-bye,Dounia。“
Douniaflushedcrimson,thensuddenlyshetookalarm。
“Butwhatdoesitmean,brother?Arewereallypartingforeverthatyou……givemesuchapartingmessage？”
“Nevermind……Good-bye。“
Heturnedaway,andwalkedtothewindow。Shestoodamoment,lookedathimuneasily,andwentouttroubled。
No,hewasnotcoldtoher。Therewasaninstanttheverylastone
whenhehadlongedtotakeherinhisarmsandsaygood-byetoher,andeventotellher,buthehadnotdaredeventotouchherhand。
“AfterwardsshemayshudderwhensheremembersthatIembracedher,andwillfeelthatIstoleherkiss。“
“Andwouldshestandthattest？”hewentonafewminuteslatertohimself。“No,shewouldn\'t;girlslikethatcan\'tstandthings!Theyneverdo。“
AndhethoughtofSonia。
Therewasabreathoffreshairfromthewindow。Thedaylightwasfading。Hetookuphiscapandwentout。
Hecouldnot,ofcourse,andwouldnotconsiderhowillhewas。
Butallthiscontinualanxietyandagonyofmindcouldnotbutaffecthim。Andifhewerenotlyinginhighfeveritwasperhapsjustbecausethiscontinualinnerstrainhelpedtokeephimonhislegsandinpossessionofhisfaculties。Butthisartificialexcitementcouldnotlastlong。
Hewanderedaimlessly。Thesunwassetting。Aspecialformofmiseryhadbeguntooppresshimoflate。Therewasnothingpoignant,nothingacuteaboutit;buttherewasafeelingofpermanence,ofeternityaboutit;itbroughtaforetasteofhopelessyearsofthiscoldleadenmisery,aforetasteofaneternity“onasquareyardofspace。“Towardseveningthissensationusuallybegantoweighonhimmoreheavily。
“Withthisidiotic,purelyphysicalweakness,dependingonthesunsetorsomething,onecan\'thelpdoingsomethingstupid!You\'llgotoDounia,aswellastoSonia,“hemutteredbitterly。
Heheardhisnamecalled。Helookedround。Lebeziatnikovrusheduptohim。
“Onlyfancy,I\'vebeentoyourroomlookingforyou。Onlyfancy,she\'scarriedoutherplan,andtakenawaythechildren。SofyaSemyonovnaandIhavehadajobtofindthem。Sheisrappingonafrying-panandmakingthechildrendance。Thechildrenarecrying。
Theykeepstoppingatthecrossroadsandinfrontofshops;there\'sacrowdoffoolsrunningafterthem。Comealong！”
“AndSonia？”Raskolnikovaskedanxiously,hurryingafterLebeziatnikov。
“Simplyfrantic。Thatis,it\'snotSofyaSemyonovna\'sfrantic,butKaterinaIvanovna,thoughSofyaSemyonova\'sfrantictoo。ButKaterinaIvanovnaisabsolutelyfrantic。Itellyousheisquitemad。They\'llbetakentothepolice。Youcanfancywhataneffectthatwillhave……Theyareonthecanalbank,nearthebridgenow,notfarfromSofyaSemyonovna\'s,quiteclose。“
OnthecanalbanknearthebridgeandnottwohousesawayfromtheonewhereSonialodged,therewasacrowdofpeople,consistingprincipallyofgutterchildren。ThehoarsebrokenvoiceofKaterinaIvanovnacouldbeheardfromthebridge,anditcertainlywasastrangespectaclelikelytoattractastreetcrowd。KaterinaIvanovnainherolddresswiththegreenshawl,wearingatornstrawhat,crushedinahideouswayononeside,wasreallyfrantic。Shewasexhaustedandbreathless。Herwastedconsumptivefacelookedmoresufferingthanever,andindeedoutofdoorsinthesunshineaconsumptivealwayslooksworsethanathome。Butherexcitementdidnotflag,andeverymomentherirritationgrewmoreintense。Sherushedatthechildren,shoutedatthem,coaxedthem,toldthembeforethecrowdhowtodanceandwhattosing,beganexplainingtothemwhyitwasnecessary,anddriventodesperationbytheirnotunderstanding,beatthem……Thenshewouldmakearushatthecrowd;ifshenoticedanydecentlydressedpersonstoppingtolook,sheimmediatelyappealedtohimtoseewhatthesechildren“fromagenteel,onemaysayaristocratic,house“hadbeenbroughtto。Ifsheheardlaughterorjeeringinthecrowd,shewouldrushatonceatthescoffersandbeginsquabblingwiththem。Somepeoplelaughed,othersshooktheirheads,buteveryonefeltcuriousatthesightofthemadwomanwiththefrightenedchildren。Thefrying-panofwhichLebeziatnikovhadspokenwasnotthere,atleastRaskolnikovdidnotseeit。Butinsteadofrappingonthepan,KaterinaIvanovnabeganclappingherwastedhands,whenshemadeLidaandKolyadanceandPolenkasing。Shetoojoinedinthesinging,butbrokedownatthesecondnotewithafearfulcough,whichmadehercurseindespairandevenshedtears。WhatmadehermostfuriouswastheweepingandterrorofKolyaandLida。Someefforthadbeenmadetodressthechildrenupasstreetsingersaredressed。TheboyhadonaturbanmadeofsomethingredandwhitetolooklikeaTurk。TherehadbeennocostumeforLida;shesimplyhadaredknittedcap,orratheranightcapthathadbelongedtoMarmeladov,decoratedwithabrokenpieceofwhiteostrichfeather,whichhadbeenKaterinaIvanovna\'sgrandmother\'sandhadbeenpreservedasafamilypossession。Polenkawasinhereverydaydress;shelookedintimidperplexityathermother,andkeptatherside,hidinghertears。Shedimlyrealisedhermother\'scondition,andlookeduneasilyabouther。Shewasterriblyfrightenedofthestreetandthecrowd。SoniafollowedKaterinaIvanovna,weepingandbeseechinghertoreturnhome,butKaterinaIvanovnawasnottobepersuaded。
“Leaveoff,Sonia,leaveoff,“sheshouted,speakingfast,pantingandcoughing。“Youdon\'tknowwhatyouask;youarelikeachild!I\'vetoldyoubeforethatIamnotcomingbacktothatdrunkenGerman。
Leteveryone,letallPetersburgseethechildrenbegginginthestreets,thoughtheirfatherwasanhonourablemanwhoservedallhislifeintruthandfidelity,andonemaysaydiedintheservice。“KaterinaIvanovnahadbynowinventedthisfantasticstoryandthoroughlybelievedit。“Letthatwretchofageneralseeit!Andyouaresilly,Sonia：whathavewetoeat?Tellmethat。Wehaveworriedyouenough,Iwon\'tgoonso!Ah,RodionRomanovitch,isthatyou？”shecried,seeingRaskolnikovandrushinguptohim。
“Explaintothissillygirl,please,thatnothingbettercouldbedone!Evenorgan-grindersearntheirliving,andeveryonewillseeatoncethatwearedifferent,thatweareanhonourableandbereavedfamilyreducedtobeggary。Andthatgeneralwilllosehispost,you\'llsee!Weshallperformunderhiswindowseveryday,andiftheTsardrivesby,I\'llfallonmyknees,putthechildrenbeforeme,showthemtohim,andsay\'Defendus,father。\'Heisthefatherofthefatherless,heismerciful,he\'llprotectus,you\'llsee,andthatwretchofageneral……Lida,tenezvousdroite!Kolya,you\'lldanceagain。Whyareyouwhimpering?Whimperingagain!Whatareyouafraidof,stupid?Goodness,whatamItodowiththem,RodionRomanovitch?
Ifyouonlyknewhowstupidtheyare!What\'sonetodowithsuchchildren？”
Andshe,almostcryingherself-whichdidnotstopheruninterrupted,rapidflowoftalk-pointedtothecryingchildren。
Raskolnikovtriedtopersuadehertogohome,andevensaid,hopingtoworkonhervanity,thatitwasunseemlyforhertobewanderingaboutthestreetslikeanorgan-grinder,asshewasintendingtobecometheprincipalofaboarding-school。
“Aboarding-school,ha-ha-ha!Acastleintheair,“criedKaterinaIvanovna,herlaughendinginacough。“No,RodionRomanovitch,thatdreamisover!Allhaveforsakenus!……Andthatgeneral……Youknow,RodionRomanovitch,Ithrewaninkspotathim-ithappenedtobestandinginthewaiting-roombythepaperwhereyousignyourname。
Iwrotemyname,threwitathimandranaway。Ohthescoundrels,thescoundrels!Butenoughofthem,nowI\'llprovideforthechildrenmyself,Iwon\'tbowdowntoanybody!Shehashadtobearenoughforus！”shepointedtoSonia。“Polenka,howmuchhaveyougot?
Showme!What,onlytwofarthings!Oh,themeanwretches!Theygiveusnothing,onlyrunafterus,puttingtheirtonguesout。There,whatisthatblockheadlaughingat？”Shepointedtoamaninthecrowd。
“It\'sallbecauseKolyahereissostupid;Ihavesuchabotherwithhim。Whatdoyouwant,Polenka?TellmeinFrench,parlezmoifrancais。Why,I\'vetaughtyou,youknowsomephrases。Elsehowareyoutoshowthatyouareofgoodfamily,wellbrought-upchildren,andnotatalllikeotherorgan-grinders?Wearen\'tgoingtohaveaPunchandJudyshowinthestreet,buttosingagenteelsong……
Ah,yes,……Whatarewetosing?Youkeepputtingmeout,butwe……
yousee,wearestandinghere,RodionRomanovitch,tofindsomethingtosingandgetmoney,somethingKolyacandanceto……For,asyoucanfancy,ourperformanceisallimpromptu……Wemusttalkitoverandrehearseitallthoroughly,andthenweshallgotoNevsky,wheretherearefarmorepeopleofgoodsociety,andweshallbenoticedatonce。Lidaknows\'MyVillage\'only,nothingbut\'MyVillage,\'andeveryonesingsthat。Wemustsingsomethingfarmoregenteel……Well,haveyouthoughtofanything,Polenka?Ifonlyyou\'dhelpyourmother!Mymemory\'squitegone,orIshouldhavethoughtofsomething。Wereallycan\'tsing\'AnHussar。\'Ah,letussinginFrench,\'Cinqsous,\'Ihavetaughtityou,Ihavetaughtityou。AndasitisinFrench,peoplewillseeatoncethatyouarechildrenofgoodfamily,andthatwillbemuchmoretouching……Youmightsing\'Marlboroughs\'enva-t-enguerre,\'forthat\'squiteachild\'ssongandissungasalullabyinallthearistocratichouses-
Marlboroughs\'enva-t-enguerreNesaitquandreviendra-
shebegansinging。“Butno,bettersing\'Cinqsous。\'Now,Kolya,yourhandsonyourhips,makehaste,andyou,Lida,keepturningtheotherway,andPolenkaandIwillsingandclapourhands!-
Cinqsous,cinqsousPourmonternotremenage-
Cough-cough-cough!Setyourdressstraight,Polenka,it\'sslippeddownonyourshoulders,“sheobserved,pantingfromcoughing。“Nowit\'sparticularlynecessarytobehavenicelyandgenteelly,thatallmayseethatyouarewell-bornchildren。Isaidatthetimethatthebodiceshouldbecutlonger,andmadeoftwowidths。
Itwasyourfault,Sonia,withyouradvicetomakeitshorter,andnowyouseethechildisquitedeformedbyit……Why,you\'reallcryingagain!What\'sthematter,stupids?Come,Kolya,begin。Makehaste,makehaste!Oh,whatanunbearablechild!-
Cinqsous,cinqsous-
Apolicemanagain!Whatdoyouwant？”
Apolicemanwasindeedforcinghiswaythroughthecrowd。Butatthatmomentagentlemanincivilianuniformandanovercoat-asolid-lookingofficialofaboutfiftywithadecorationonhisneckwhichdelightedKaterinaIvanovnaandhaditseffectonthepoliceman-approachedandwithoutawordhandedheragreenthree-roublenote。Hisfaceworealookofgenuinesympathy。
KaterinaIvanovnatookitandgavehimapolite,evenceremonious,bow。
“Ithankyou,honouredsir,“shebeganloftily。“Thecausesthathaveinducedustakethemoney,Polenka：youseetherearegenerousandhonourablepeoplewhoarereadytohelpapoorgentlewomanindistress。Yousee,honouredsir,theseorphansofgoodfamily-I
mightevensayofaristocraticconnections-andthatwretchofageneralsateatinggrouse……andstampedatmydisturbinghim。\'Yourexcellency,\'Isaid,\'protecttheorphans,foryouknewmylatehusband,SemyonZaharovitch,andontheverydayofhisdeaththebasestofscoundrelsslanderedhisonlydaughter。\'……Thatpolicemanagain!Protectme,“shecriedtotheofficial。“Whyisthatpolicemanedginguptome?Wehaveonlyjustrunawayfromoneofthem。Whatdoyouwant,fool？”
“It\'sforbiddeninthestreets。Youmustn\'tmakeadisturbance。“
“It\'syou\'remakingadisturbance。It\'sjustthesameasifIweregrindinganorgan。Whatbusinessisitofyours？”
“Youhavetogetalicenceforanorgan,andyouhaven\'tgotone,andinthatwayyoucollectacrowd。Wheredoyoulodge？”
“What,alicense？”wailedKaterinaIvanovna。“Iburiedmyhusbandto-day。Whatneedofalicense？”
“Calmyourself,madam,calmyourself,“begantheofficial。“Comealong;Iwillescortyou……Thisisnoplaceforyouinthecrowd。
Youareill。“
“Honouredsir,honouredsir,youdon\'tknow,“screamedKaterinaIvanovna。“WearegoingtotheNevsky……Sonia,Sonia!Whereisshe?Sheiscryingtoo!What\'sthematterwithyouall?Kolya,Lida,whereareyougoing？”shecriedsuddenlyinalarm。“Oh,sillychildren!Kolya,Lida,wherearetheyoffto?……“
KolyaandLida,scaredoutoftheirwitsbythecrowd,andtheirmother\'smadpranks,suddenlyseizedeachotherbythehand,andranoffatthesightofthepolicemanwhowantedtotakethemawaysomewhere。Weepingandwailing,poorKaterinaIvanovnaranafterthem。
Shewasapiteousandunseemlyspectacle,assheran,weepingandpantingforbreath。SoniaandPolenkarushedafterthem。
“Bringthemback,bringthemback,Sonia!Ohstupid,ungratefulchildren!……Polenka!catchthem……It\'sforyoursakesI……“
Shestumbledassheranandfelldown。
“She\'scutherself,she\'sbleeding!Oh,dear！”criedSonia,bendingoverher。
Allranupandcrowdedround。RaskolnikovandLebeziatnikovwerethefirstatherside,theofficialtoohastenedup,andbehindhimthepolicemanwhomuttered,“Bother！”withagestureofimpatience,feelingthatthejobwasgoingtobeatroublesomeone。
“Passon!Passon！”hesaidtothecrowdthatpressedforward。
“She\'sdying,“someoneshouted。
“She\'sgoneoutofhermind,“saidanother。
“Lordhavemercyuponus,“saidawoman,crossingherself。“Havetheycaughtthelittlegirlandtheboy?They\'rebeingbroughtback,theelderone\'sgotthem……Ah,thenaughtyimps！”
WhentheyexaminedKaterinaIvanovnacarefully,theysawthatshehadnotcutherselfagainstastone,asSoniathought,butthatthebloodthatstainedthepavementredwasfromherchest。
“I\'veseenthatbefore,“mutteredtheofficialtoRaskolnikovandLebeziatnikov;“that\'sconsumption;thebloodflowsandchokesthepatient。Isawthesamethingwitharelativeofmyownnotlongago……nearlyapintofblood,allinaminute……What\'stobedonethough?Sheisdying。“
“Thisway,thisway,tomyroom！”Soniaimplored。“Ilivehere!……
See,thathouse,thesecondfromhere……Cometome,makehaste,“sheturnedfromonetotheother。“Sendforthedoctor!Oh,dear！”
Thankstotheofficial\'sefforts,thisplanwasadopted,thepolicemanevenhelpingtocarryKaterinaIvanovna。ShewascarriedtoSonia\'sroom,almostunconscious,andlaidonthebed。Thebloodwasstillflowing,butsheseemedtobecomingtoherself。
Raskolnikov,Lebeziatnikov,andtheofficialaccompaniedSoniaintotheroomandwerefollowedbythepoliceman,whofirstdrovebackthecrowdwhichfollowedtotheverydoor。PolenkacameinholdingKolyaandLida,whoweretremblingandweeping。SeveralpersonscameintoofromtheKapernaumovs\'room;thelandlord,alameone-eyedmanofstrangeappearancewithwhiskersandhairthatstooduplikeabrush,hiswife,awomanwithaneverlastinglyscaredexpression,andseveralopen-mouthedchildrenwithwonder-struckfaces。Amongthese,Svidrigailovsuddenlymadehisappearance。Raskolnikovlookedathimwithsurprise,notunderstandingwherehehadcomefromandnothavingnoticedhiminthecrowd。Adoctorandpriestworespokenof。
TheofficialwhisperedtoRaskolnikovthathethoughtitwastoolatenowforthedoctor,butheorderedhimtobesentfor。
Kapernaumovranhimself。
MeanwhileKaterinaIvanovnahadregainedherbreath。Thebleedingceasedforatime。ShelookedwithsickbutintentandpenetratingeyesatSonia,whostoodpaleandtrembling,wipingthesweatfromherbrowwithahandkerchief。Atlastsheaskedtoberaised。Theysatheruponthebed,supportingheronbothsides。
“Wherearethechildren？”shesaidinafaintvoice。“You\'vebroughtthem,Polenka?Ohthesillies!Whydidyourunaway……Och！”
Oncemoreherparchedlipswerecoveredwithblood。Shemovedhereyes,lookingabouther。
“Sothat\'showyoulive,Sonia!NeveroncehaveIbeeninyourroom。“
Shelookedatherwithafaceofsuffering。
“Wehavebeenyourruin,Sonia。Polenka,Lida,Kolya,comehere!
Well,heretheyare,Sonia,takethemall!Ihandthemovertoyou,I\'vehadenough!Theballisover。Cough!Laymedown,letmedieinpeace。“
Theylaidherbackonthepillow。
“What,thepriest?Idon\'twanthim。Youhaven\'tgotaroubletospare。Ihavenosins。Godmustforgivemewithoutthat。HeknowshowIhavesuffered……AndifHewon\'tforgiveme,Idon\'tcare！”
Shesankmoreandmoreintouneasydelirium。Attimessheshuddered,turnedhereyesfromsidetoside,recognisedeveryoneforaminute,butatoncesankintodeliriumagain。Herbreathingwashoarseanddifficult,therewasasortofrattleinherthroat。
“Isaidtohim,yourexcellency,“sheejaculated,gaspingaftereachword。“ThatAmaliaLudwigovna,ah!Lida,Kolya,handsonyourhips,makehaste!Glissez,glissez!pasdebasque!Tapwithyourheels,beagracefulchild!-
DuhastDiamantenundPerlen-
Whatnext?That\'sthethingtosing-
DuhastdieschonstenAugenMadchen,waswillstdumehr?-
“Whatanidea!Waswillstdumehr。Whatthingsthefoolinvents!Ah,yes!-
IntheheatofmiddayinthevaleofDagestan-
“Ah,howIlovedit!Ilovedthatsongtodistraction,Polenka!Yourfather,youknow,usedtosingitwhenwewereengaged……Ohthosedays!Ohthat\'sthethingforustosing!Howdoesitgo?I\'veforgotten。Remindme!Howwasit？”
Shewasviolentlyexcitedandtriedtositup。Atlast,inahorriblyhoarse,brokenvoice,shebegan,shriekingandgaspingateveryword,withalookofgrowingterror。
“Intheheatofmidday!……inthevale!……ofDagestan!……Withleadinmybreast!……“
“Yourexcellency！”shewailedsuddenlywithaheartrendingscreamandafloodoftears,“protecttheorphans!Youhavebeentheirfather\'sguest……onemaysayaristocratic……“Shestarted,regainingconsciousness,andgazedatallwithasortofterror,butatoncerecognisedSonia。
“Sonia,Sonia！”shearticulatedsoftlyandcaressingly,asthoughsurprisedtofindherthere。“Soniadarling,areyouhere,too？”
Theyliftedherupagain。
“Enough!It\'sover!Farewell,poorthing!Iamdonefor!Iambroken！”shecriedwithvindictivedespair,andherheadfellheavilybackonthepillow。
Shesankintounconsciousnessagain,butthistimeitdidnotlastlong。Herpale,yellow,wastedfacedroppedback,hermouthfellopen,herlegmovedconvulsively,shegaveadeep,deepsighanddied。
Soniafelluponher,flungherarmsabouther,andremainedmotionlesswithherheadpressedtothedeadwoman\'swastedbosom。
Polenkathrewherselfathermother\'sfeet,kissingthemandweepingviolently。ThoughKolyaandLidadidnotunderstandwhathadhappened,theyhadafeelingthatitwassomethingterrible;theyputtheirhandsoneachother\'slittleshoulders,staredstraightatoneanotherandbothatonceopenedtheirmouthsandbeganscreaming。Theywerebothstillintheirfancydress;oneinaturban,theotherinthecapwiththeostrichfeather。
Andhowdid“thecertificateofmerit“cometobeonthebedbesideKaterinaIvanovna?Itlaytherebythepillow：Raskolnikovsawit。
Hewalkedawaytothewindow。Lebeziatnikovskippeduptohim。
“Sheisdead,“hesaid。
“RodionRomanovitch,Imusthavetwowordswithyou,“saidSvidrigailov,cominguptothem。
Lebeziatnikovatoncemaderoomforhimanddelicatelywithdrew。
SvidrigailovdrewRaskolnikovfurtheraway。
“Iwillundertakeallthearrangements,thefuneralandthat。Youknowit\'saquestionofmoneyand,asItoldyou,Ihaveplentytospare。IwillputthosetwolittleonesandPolenkaintosomegoodorphanasylum,andIwillsettlefifteenhundredroublestobepaidtoeachoncomingofage,sothatSofyaSemyonovnaneedhavenoanxietyaboutthem。AndIwillpullheroutofthemudtoo,forsheisagoodgirl,isn\'tshe?SotellAvdotyaRomanovnathatthatishowI
amspendinghertenthousand。“
“Whatisyourmotiveforsuchbenevolence？”askedRaskolnikov。
“Ah!youscepticalperson！”laughedSvidrigailov。“ItoldyouI
hadnoneedofthatmoney。Won\'tyouadmitthatit\'ssimplydonefromhumanity?Shewasn\'t\'alouse,\'youknow“hepointedtothecornerwherethedeadwomanlay,“wasshe,likesomeoldpawnbrokerwoman?Come,you\'llagree,isLuzhintogoonliving,anddoingwickedthingsorisshetodie?AndifIdidn\'thelpthem,Polenkawouldgothesameway。“
Hesaidthiswithanairofasortofgaywinkingslyness,keepinghiseyesfixedonRaskolnikov,whoturnedwhiteandcold,hearinghisownphrases,spokentoSonia。HequicklysteppedbackandlookedwildlyatSvidrigailov。
“Howdoyouknow？”hewhispered,hardlyabletobreathe。
“Why,IlodgehereatMadameResslich\'s,theothersideofthewall。
HereisKapernaumov,andtherelivesMadameResslich,anoldanddevotedfriendofmine。Iamaneighbour。“
“You？”
“Yes,“continuedSvidrigailov,shakingwithlaughter。“Iassureyouonmyhonour,dearRodionRomanovitch,thatyouhaveinterestedmeenormously。Itoldyouweshouldbecomefriends,Iforetoldit。
Well,herewehave。AndyouwillseewhatanaccommodatingpersonI
am。You\'llseethatyoucangetonwithme！”
PARTSIX
ChapterOneASTRANGEperiodbeganforRaskolnikov：itwasasthoughafoghadfallenuponhimandwrappedhiminadrearysolitudefromwhichtherewasnoescape。Recallingthatperiodlongafter,hebelievedthathismindhadbeencloudedattimes,andthatithadcontinuedso,withintervals,tillthefinalcatastrophe。Hewasconvincedthathehadbeenmistakenaboutmanythingsatthattime,forinstanceastothedateofcertainevents。Anyway,whenhetriedlaterontopiecehisrecollectionstogether,helearntagreatdealabouthimselffromwhatotherpeopletoldhim。Hehadmixedupincidentsandhadexplainedeventsasduetocircumstanceswhichexistedonlyinhisimagination。Attimeshewasapreytoagoniesofmorbiduneasiness,amountingsometimestopanic。Butheremembered,too,moments,hours,perhapswholedays,ofcompleteapathy,whichcameuponhimasareactionfromhispreviousterrorandmightbecomparedwiththeabnormalinsensibility,sometimesseeninthedying。Heseemedtobetryinginthatlatterstagetoescapefromafullandclearunderstandingofhisposition。Certainessentialfactswhichrequiredimmediateconsiderationwereparticularlyirksometohim。Howgladhewouldhavebeentobefreefromsomecares,theneglectofwhichwouldhavethreatenedhimwithcomplete,inevitableruin。
HewasparticularlyworriedaboutSvidrigailov,hemightbesaidtobepermanentlythinkingofSvidrigailov。FromthetimeofSvidrigailov\'stoomenacingandunmistakablewordsinSonia\'sroomatthemomentofKaterinaIvanovna\'sdeath,thenormalworkingofhismindseemedtobreakdown。Butalthoughthisnewfactcausedhimextremeuneasiness,Raskolnikovwasinnohurryforanexplanationofit。Attimes,findinghimselfinasolitaryandremotepartofthetown,insomewretchedeating-house,sittingalonelostinthought,hardlyknowinghowhehadcomethere,hesuddenlythoughtofSvidrigailov。Herecognisedsuddenly,clearly,andwithdismaythatheoughtatoncetocometoanunderstandingwiththatmanandtomakewhattermshecould。Walkingoutsidethecitygatesoneday,hepositivelyfanciedthattheyhadfixedameetingthere,thathewaswaitingforSvidrigailov。Anothertimehewokeupbeforedaybreaklyingonthegroundundersomebushesandcouldnotatfirstunderstandhowhehadcomethere。
ButduringthetwoorthreedaysafterKaterinaIvanovna\'sdeath,hehadtwoorthreetimesmetSvidrigailovatSonia\'slodging,wherehehadgoneaimlesslyforamoment。Theyexchangedafewwordsandmadenoreferencetothevitalsubject,asthoughtheyweretacitlyagreednottospeakofitforatime。
KaterinaIvanovna\'sbodywasstilllyinginthecoffin,Svidrigailovwasbusymakingarrangementsforthefuneral。Soniatoowasverybusy。
AttheirlastmeetingSvidrigailovinformedRaskolnikovthathehadmadeanarrangement,andaverysatisfactoryone,forKaterinaIvanovna\'schildren;thathehad,throughcertainconnections,succeededingettingholdofcertainpersonagesbywhosehelpthethreeorphanscouldbeatonceplacedinverysuitableinstitutions;
thatthemoneyhehadsettledonthemhadbeenofgreatassistance,asitismucheasiertoplaceorphanswithsomepropertythandestituteones。HesaidsomethingtooaboutSoniaandpromisedtocomehimselfinadayortwotoseeRaskolnikov,mentioningthat“hewouldliketoconsultwithhim,thattherewerethingstheymusttalkover……“
Thisconversationtookplaceinthepassageonthestairs。
SvidrigailovlookedintentlyatRaskolnikovandsuddenly,afterabriefpause,droppinghisvoice,asked：“Buthowisit,RodionRomanovitch;youdon\'tseemyourself?Youlookandyoulisten,butyoudon\'tseemtounderstand。Cheerup!We\'lltalkthingsover;Iamonlysorry,I\'vesomuchtodoofmyownbusinessandotherpeople\'s。Ah,RodionRomanovitch,“headdedsuddenly,“whatallmenneedisfreshair,freshair……morethananything！”
Hemovedtoonesidetomakewayforthepriestandserver,whowerecomingupthestairs。Theyhadcomefortherequiemservice。BySvidrigailov\'sordersitwassungtwiceadaypunctually。Svidrigailovwenthisway。Raskolnikovstoodstillamoment,thought,andfollowedthepriestintoSonia\'sroom。Hestoodatthedoor。Theybeganquietly,slowlyandmournfullysingingtheservice。Fromhischildhoodthethoughtofdeathandthepresenceofdeathhadsomethingoppressiveandmysteriouslyawful;anditwaslongsincehehadheardtherequiemservice。Andtherewassomethingelsehereaswell,tooawfulanddisturbing。Helookedatthechildren：theywereallkneelingbythecoffin;Polenkawasweeping。BehindthemSoniaprayed,softly,and,asitwere,timidlyweeping。
“Theselasttwodaysshehasn\'tsaidawordtome,shehasn\'tglancedatme,“Raskolnikovthoughtsuddenly。Thesunlightwasbrightintheroom;theincenseroseinclouds;thepriestread,“Giverest,ohLord……“Raskolnikovstayedallthroughtheservice。Asheblessedthemandtookhisleave,thepriestlookedroundstrangely。
Aftertheservice,RaskolnikovwentuptoSonia。Shetookbothhishandsandletherheadsinkonhisshoulder。ThisslightfriendlygesturebewilderedRaskolnikov。Itseemedstrangetohimthattherewasnotraceofrepugnance,notraceofdisgust,notremorinherhand。Itwasthefurthestlimitofself-abnegation,atleastsoheinterpretedit。
Soniasaidnothing。Raskolnikovpressedherhandandwentout。Hefeltverymiserable。Ifithadbeenpossibletoescapetosomesolitude,hewouldhavethoughthimselflucky,evenifhehadtospendhiswholelifethere。Butalthoughhehadalmostalwaysbeenbyhimselfoflate,hehadneverbeenabletofeelalone。Sometimeshewalkedoutofthetownontothehighroad,oncehehadevenreachedalittlewood,buttheloneliertheplacewas,themoreheseemedtobeawareofanuneasypresencenearhim。Itdidnotfrightenhim,butgreatlyannoyedhim,sothathemadehastetoreturntothetown,tominglewiththecrowd,toenterrestaurantsandtaverns,towalkinbusythoroughfares。Therehefelteasierandevenmoresolitary。Onedayatduskhesatforanhourlisteningtosongsinatavernandherememberedthathepositivelyenjoyedit。Butatlasthehadsuddenlyfeltthesameuneasinessagain,asthoughhisconsciencesmotehim。“HereIsitlisteningtosinging,isthatwhatI
oughttobedoing？”hethought。Yethefeltatoncethatthatwasnottheonlycauseofhisuneasiness;therewassomethingrequiringimmediatedecision,butitwassomethinghecouldnotclearlyunderstandorputintowords。Itwasahopelesstangle。“No,betterthestruggleagain!BetterPorfiryagain……orSvidrigailov……Bettersomechallengeagain……someattack。Yes,yes！”hethought。Hewentoutofthetavernandrushedawayalmostatarun。ThethoughtofDouniaandhismothersuddenlyreducedhimalmosttoapanic。ThatnighthewokeupbeforemorningamongsomebushesinKrestovskyIsland,tremblingalloverwithfever;hewalkedhome,anditwasearlymorningwhenhearrived。Aftersomehours\'sleepthefeverlefthim,buthewokeuplate,twoo\'clockintheafternoon。
HerememberedthatKaterinaIvanovna\'sfuneralhadbeenfixedforthatday,andwasgladthathewasnotpresentatit。Nastasyabroughthimsomefood;heateanddrankwithappetite,almostwithgreediness。
Hisheadwasfresherandhewascalmerthanhehadbeenforthelastthreedays。Heevenfeltapassingwonderathispreviousattacksofpanic。
ThedooropenedandRazumihincamein。
“Ah,he\'seating,thenhe\'snotill,“saidRazumihin。HetookachairandsatdownatthetableoppositeRaskolnikov。
Hewastroubledanddidnotattempttoconcealit。Hespokewithevidentannoyance,butwithouthurryorraisinghisvoice。Helookedasthoughhehadsomespecialfixeddetermination。
“Listen,“hebeganresolutely。“AsfarasIamconcerned,youmayallgotohell,butfromwhatIsee,it\'scleartomethatIcan\'tmakeheadortailofit;pleasedon\'tthinkI\'vecometoaskyouquestions。Idon\'twanttoknow,hangit!Ifyoubegintellingmeyoursecrets,IdaresayIshouldn\'tstaytolisten,Ishouldgoawaycursing。Ihaveonlycometofindoutonceforallwhetherit\'safactthatyouaremad?Thereisaconvictionintheairthatyouaremadorverynearlyso。IadmitI\'vebeendisposedtothatopinionmyself,judgingfromyourstupid,repulsiveandquiteinexplicableactions,andfromyourrecentbehaviortoyourmotherandsister。Onlyamonsteroramadmancouldtreatthemasyouhave;soyoumustbemad。“
“Whendidyouseethemlast？”
“Justnow。Haven\'tyouseenthemsincethen?Whathaveyoubeendoingwithyourself?Tellme,please。I\'vebeentoyouthreetimesalready。Yourmotherhasbeenseriouslyillsinceyesterday。Shehadmadeuphermindtocometoyou;AvdotyaRomanovnatriedtopreventher;shewouldn\'thearaword。\'Ifheisill,ifhismindisgivingway,whocanlookafterhimlikehismother?\'shesaid。Weallcameheretogether,wecouldn\'tlethercomealonealltheway。Wekeptbegginghertobecalm。Wecamein,youweren\'there;shesatdown,andstayedtenminutes,whilewestoodwaitinginsilence。Shegotupandsaid：\'Ifhe\'sgoneout,thatis,ifheiswell,andhasforgottenhismother,it\'shumiliatingandunseemlyforhismothertostandathisdoorbeggingforkindness。\'Shereturnedhomeandtooktoherbed;nowsheisinafever。\'Isee,\'shesaid,\'thathehastimeforhisgirl。\'ShemeansbyyourgirlSofyaSemyonovna,yourbetrothedoryourmistress,Idon\'tknow。IwentatoncetoSofyaSemyonovna\'s,forIwantedtoknowwhatwasgoingon。Ilookedround,Isawthecoffin,thechildrencrying,andSofyaSemyonovnatryingonthemmourningdresses。Nosignofyou。Iapologised,cameaway,andreportedtoAvdotyaRomanovna。Sothat\'sallnonsenseandyouhaven\'tgotagirl;themostlikelythingisthatyouaremad。Buthereyousit,guzzlingboiledbeefasthoughyou\'dnothadabiteforthreedays。Thoughasfarasthatgoes,madmeneattoo,butthoughyouhavenotsaidawordtomeyet……youarenotmad!ThatI\'dswear!
Aboveall,youarenotmad。Soyoumaygotohell,allofyou,forthere\'ssomemystery,somesecretaboutit,andIdon\'tintendtoworrymybrainsoveryoursecrets。SoI\'vesimplycometoswearatyou,“hefinished,gettingup,“torelievemymind。AndIknowwhattodonow。“
“Whatdoyoumeantodonow？”
“WhatbusinessisitofyourswhatImeantodo？”
“Youaregoinginforadrinkingbout。“
“How……howdidyouknow？”
“Why,it\'sprettyplain。“
Razumihinpausedforaminute。
“Youalwayshavebeenaveryrationalpersonandyou\'veneverbeenmad,never,“heobservedsuddenlywithwarmth。“You\'reright：I
shalldrink。Good-bye！”
Andhemovedtogoout。
“Iwastalkingwithmysister-thedaybeforeyesterdayIthinkitwas-aboutyou,Razumihin。“
“Aboutme!But……wherecanyouhaveseenherthedaybeforeyesterday？”Razumihinstoppedshortandeventurnedalittlepale。
Onecouldseethathisheartwasthrobbingslowlyandviolently。
“Shecameherebyherself,satthereandtalkedtome。“
“Shedid！”
“Yes。“
“Whatdidyousaytoher……Imean,aboutme？”
“Itoldheryouwereaverygood,honest,andindustriousman。I
didn\'ttellheryouloveher,becausesheknowsthatherself。“
“Sheknowsthatherself？”
“Well,it\'sprettyplain。WhereverImightgo,whateverhappenedtome,youwouldremaintolookafterthem。I,sotospeak,givethemintoyourkeeping,Razumihin。IsaythisbecauseIknowquitewellhowyouloveher,andamconvincedofthepurityofyourheart。I
knowthatshetoomayloveyouandperhapsdoesloveyoualready。
Nowdecideforyourself,asyouknowbest,whetheryouneedgoinforadrinkingboutornot。“
“Rodya!Yousee……well……Ach,damnit!Butwheredoyoumeantogo?Ofcourse,ifit\'sallasecret,nevermind……ButI……Ishallfindoutthesecret……andIamsurethatitmustbesomeridiculousnonsenseandthatyou\'vemadeitallup。Anywayyouareacapitalfellow,acapitalfellow！”……
“ThatwasjustwhatIwantedtoadd,onlyyouinterrupted,thatthatwasaverygooddecisionofyoursnottofindoutthesesecrets。Leaveittotime,don\'tworryaboutit。You\'llknowitallintimewhenitmustbe。Yesterdayamansaidtomethatwhatamanneedsisfreshair,freshair,freshair。Imeantogotohimdirectlytofindoutwhathemeantbythat。“
Razumihinstoodlostinthoughtandexcitement,makingasilentconclusion。
“He\'sapoliticalconspirator!Hemustbe。Andhe\'sontheeveofsomedesperatestep,that\'scertain。Itcanonlybethat!And……andDouniaknows,“hethoughtsuddenly。
“SoAvdotyaRomanovnacomestoseeyou,“hesaid,weighingeachsyllable,“andyou\'regoingtoseeamanwhosaysweneedmoreair,andsoofcoursethatletter……thattoomusthavesomethingtodowithit,“heconcludedtohimself。
“Whatletter？”
“Shegotaletterto-day。Itupsetherverymuch-verymuchindeed。Toomuchso。Ibeganspeakingofyou,shebeggedmenotto。
Then……thenshesaidthatperhapsweshouldverysoonhavetopart……
thenshebeganwarmlythankingmeforsomething;thenshewenttoherroomandlockedherselfin。“
“Shegotaletter？”Raskolnikovaskedthoughtfully。
“Yes,andyoudidn\'tknow?hm……“
Theywerebothsilent。
“Good-bye,Rodion。Therewasatime,brother,whenI……Nevermind,good-bye。Yousee,therewasatime……Well,good-bye!Imustbeofftoo。Iamnotgoingtodrink。There\'snoneednow……That\'sallstuff！”
Hehurriedout;butwhenhehadalmostclosedthedoorbehindhim,hesuddenlyopeneditagain,andsaid,lookingaway：
“Oh,bytheway,doyourememberthatmurder,youknowPorfiry\'s,thatoldwoman?Doyouknowthemurdererhasbeenfound,hehasconfessedandgiventheproofs。It\'soneofthoseveryworkmen,thepainter,onlyfancy!DoyourememberIdefendedthemhere?Wouldyoubelieveit,allthatsceneoffightingandlaughingwithhiscompaniononthestairswhiletheporterandthetwowitnessesweregoingup,hegotuponpurposetodisarmsuspicion。Thecunning,thepresenceofmindoftheyoungdog!Onecanhardlycreditit;butit\'shisownexplanation,hehasconfesseditall。AndwhatafoolIwasaboutit!Well,he\'ssimplyageniusofhypocrisyandresourcefulnessindisarmingthesuspicionsofthelawyers-sothere\'snothingmuchtowonderat,Isuppose!Ofcoursepeoplelikethatarealwayspossible。Andthefactthathecouldn\'tkeepupthecharacter,butconfessed,makeshimeasiertobelievein。ButwhatafoolIwas!I
wasfranticontheirside！”
“Tellmepleasefromwhomdidyouhearthat,andwhydoesitinterestyouso？”Raskolnikovaskedwithunmistakableagitation。
“Whatnext?Youaskmewhyitinterestsme!……Well,IhearditfromPorfiry,amongothers……ItwasfromhimIheardalmostallaboutit。“
“FromPorfiry？”
“FromPorfiry。“
“What……whatdidhesay？”Raskolnikovaskedindismay。
“Hegavemeacapitalexplanationofit。Psychologically,afterhisfashion。“
“Heexplainedit?Explainedithimself？”
“Yes,yes;good-bye。I\'lltellyouallaboutitanothertime,butnowI\'mbusy。TherewasatimewhenIfancied……Butnomatter,anothertime!……Whatneedisthereformetodrinknow?Youhavemademedrunkwithoutwine。Iamdrunk,Rodya!Good-bye,I\'mgoing。I\'llcomeagainverysoon。“
Hewentout。
“He\'sapoliticalconspirator,there\'snotadoubtaboutit,“
Razumihindecided,asheslowlydescendedthestairs。“Andhe\'sdrawnhissisterin;that\'squite,quiteinkeepingwithAvdotyaRomanovna\'scharacter。Thereareinterviewsbetweenthem!……Shehintedatittoo……Somanyofherwords……andhints……bearthatmeaning!Andhowelsecanallthistanglebeexplained?Hm!AndI
wasalmostthinking……Goodheavens,whatIthought!Yes,ItookleaveofmysensesandIwrongedhim!Itwashisdoing,underthelampinthecorridorthatday。Pfoo!Whatacrude,nasty,vileideaonmypart!Nikolayisabrick,forconfessing……Andhowclearitallisnow!Hisillnessthen,allhisstrangeactions……beforethis,intheuniversity,howmoroseheusedtobe,howgloomy……Butwhat\'sthemeaningnowofthatletter?There\'ssomethinginthat,too,perhaps。Whomwasitfrom?Isuspect……!No,Imustfindout！”
HethoughtofDounia,realisingallhehadheardandhisheartthrobbed,andhesuddenlybrokeintoarun。
AssoonasRazumihinwentout,Raskolnikovgotup,turnedtothewindow,walkedintoonecornerandthenintoanother,asthoughforgettingthesmallnessofhisroom,andsatdownagainonthesofa。Hefelt,sotospeak,renewed;againthestruggle,soameansofescapehadcome。
“Yes,ameansofescapehadcome!Ithadbeentoostifling,toocramping,theburdenhadbeentooagonising。Alethargyhadcomeuponhimattimes。FromthemomentofthescenewithNikolayatPorfiry\'shehadbeensuffocating,pennedinwithouthopeofescape。
AfterNikolay\'sconfession,onthatverydayhadcomethescenewithSonia;hisbehaviourandhislastwordshadbeenutterlyunlikeanythinghecouldhaveimaginedbeforehand;hehadgrownfeebler,instantlyandfundamentally!AndhehadagreedatthetimewithSonia,hehadagreedinhishearthecouldnotgoonlivingalonewithsuchathingonhismind!
“AndSvidrigailovwasariddle……Heworriedhim,thatwastrue,butsomehownotonthesamepoint。HemightstillhaveastruggletocomewithSvidrigailov。Svidrigailov,too,mightbeameansofescape;
butPorfirywasadifferentmatter。
“AndsoPorfiryhimselfhadexplainedittoRazumihin,hadexplaineditpsychologically。Hehadbegunbringinginhisdamnedpsychologyagain!Porfiry?ButtothinkthatPorfiryshouldforonemomentbelievethatNikolaywasguilty,afterwhathadpassedbetweenthembeforeNikolay\'sappearance,afterthattete-a-teteinterview,whichcouldhaveonlyoneexplanation?DuringthosedaysRaskolnikovhadoftenrecalledpassagesinthatscenewithPorfiry;hecouldnotbeartolethismindrestonit。Suchwords,suchgestureshadpassedbetweenthem,theyhadexchangedsuchglances,thingshadbeensaidinsuchatoneandhadreachedsuchapass,thatNikolay,whomPorfiryhadseenthroughatthefirstword,atthefirstgesture,couldnothaveshakenhisconviction。
“AndtothinkthatevenRazumihinhadbeguntosuspect!Thesceneinthecorridorunderthelamphadproduceditseffectthen。HehadrushedtoPorfiry……Butwhathadinducedthelattertoreceivehimlikethat?WhathadbeenhisobjectinputtingRazumihinoffwithNikolay?Hemusthavesomeplan;therewassomedesign,butwhatwasit?Itwastruethatalongtimehadpassedsincethatmorning-toolongatime-andnosightnorsoundofPorfiry。Well,thatwasabadsign……“
Raskolnikovtookhiscapandwentoutoftheroom,stillpondering。Itwasthefirsttimeforalongwhilethathehadfeltclearinhismind,atleast。“ImustsettleSvidrigailov,“hethought,“andassoonaspossible;he,too,seemstobewaitingformetocometohimofmyownaccord。“Andatthatmomenttherewassucharushofhateinhiswearyheartthathemighthavekilledeitherofthosetwo-PorfiryorSvidrigailov。Atleasthefeltthathewouldbecapableofdoingitlater,ifnotnow。
“Weshallsee,weshallsee,“herepeatedtohimself。
ButnosoonerhadheopenedthedoorthanhestumbleduponPorfiryhimselfinthepassage。Hewascomingintoseehim。Raskolnikovwasdumbfoundedforaminute,butonlyforoneminute。Strangetosay,hewasnotverymuchastonishedatseeingPorfiryandscarcelyafraidofhim。Hewassimplystartled,butwasquickly,instantly,onhisguard。“Perhapsthiswillmeantheend?ButhowcouldPorfiryhaveapproachedsoquietly,likeacat,sothathehadheardnothing?Couldhehavebeenlisteningatthedoor？”
“Youdidn\'texpectavisitor,RodionRomanovitch,“Porfiryexplained,laughing。“I\'vebeenmeaningtolookinalongtime;I
waspassingbyandthoughtwhynotgoinforfiveminutes。Areyougoingout?Iwon\'tkeepyoulong。Justletmehaveonecigarette。“
“Sitdown,PorfiryPetrovitch,sitdown。“Raskolnikovgavehisvisitoraseatwithsopleasedandfriendlyanexpressionthathewouldhavemarvelledathimself,ifhecouldhaveseenit。
Thelastmomenthadcome,thelastdropshadtobedrained!Soamanwillsometimesgothroughhalfanhourofmortalterrorwithabrigand,yetwhentheknifeisathisthroatatlast,hefeelsnofear。
RaskolnikovseatedhimselfdirectlyfacingPorfiry,andlookedathimwithoutflinching。Porfiryscreweduphiseyesandbeganlightingacigarette。
“Speak,speak,“seemedasthoughitwouldburstfromRaskolnikov\'sheart。“Come,whydon\'tyouspeak？”
ChapterTwo“AHTHESEcigarettes！”PorfiryPetrovitchejaculatedatlast,havinglightedone。“Theyarepernicious,positivelypernicious,andyetI
can\'tgivethemup!Icough,Ibegintohaveticklinginmythroatandadifficultyinbreathing。YouknowIamacoward,IwentlatelytoDr。B__n;healwaysgivesatleasthalfanhourtoeachpatient。Hepositivelylaughedlookingatme;hesoundedme：\'Tobacco\'sbadforyou,\'hesaid,\'yourlungsareaffected。\'ButhowamItogiveitup?Whatistheretotakeitsplace?Idon\'tdrink,that\'sthemischief,he-he-he,thatIdon\'t。Everythingisrelative,RodionRomanovitch,everythingisrelative！”
“Why,he\'splayinghisprofessionaltricksagain,“Raskolnikovthoughtwithdisgust。Allthecircumstancesoftheirlastinterviewsuddenlycamebacktohim,andhefeltarushofthefeelingthathadcomeuponhimthen。
“Icametoseeyouthedaybeforeyesterday,intheevening;youdidn\'tknow？”PorfiryPetrovitchwenton,lookingroundtheroom。“I
cameintothisveryroom。Iwaspassingby,justasIdidto-day,andIthoughtI\'dreturnyourcall。Iwalkedinasyourdoorwaswideopen,Ilookedround,waitedandwentoutwithoutleavingmynamewithyourservant。Don\'tyoulockyourdoor？”
Raskolnikov\'sfacegrewmoreandmoregloomy。Porfiryseemedtoguesshisstateofmind。
“I\'vecometohaveitoutwithyou,RodionRomanovitch,mydearfellow!Ioweyouanexplanationandmustgiveittoyou,“hecontinuedwithaslightsmile,justpattingRaskolnikov\'sknee。
Butalmostatthesameinstantaseriousandcarewornlookcameintohisface;tohissurpriseRaskolnikovsawatouchofsadnessinit。Hehadneverseenandneversuspectedsuchanexpressioninhisface。
“Astrangescenepassedbetweenuslasttimewemet,RodionRomanovitch。Ourfirstinterview,too,wasastrangeone;butthen……andonethingafteranother!Thisisthepoint：Ihaveperhapsactedunfairlytoyou;Ifeelit。Doyourememberhowweparted?
Yournerveswereunhingedandyourkneeswereshakingandsoweremine。And,youknow,ourbehaviourwasunseemly,evenungentlemanly。
Andyetwearegentlemen,aboveall,inanycase,gentlemen;thatmustbeunderstood。Doyourememberwhatwecameto?……itwasquiteindecorous。“
“Whatisheupto,whatdoeshetakemefor？”Raskolnikovaskedhimselfinamazement,raisinghisheadandlookingwithopeneyesonPorfiry。
“I\'vedecidedopennessisbetterbetweenus,“PorfiryPetrovitchwenton,turninghisheadawayanddroppinghiseyes,asthoughunwillingtodisconcerthisformervictimandasthoughdisdaininghisformerwiles。“Yes,suchsuspicionsandsuchscenescannotcontinueforlong。Nikolayputastoptoit,orIdon\'tknowwhatwemightnothavecometo。Thatdamnedworkmanwassittingatthetimeinthenextroom-canyourealisethat?Youknowthat,ofcourse;andIamawarethathecametoyouafterwards。Butwhatyousupposedthenwasnottrue：Ihadnotsentforanyone,Ihadmadenokindofarrangements。YouaskwhyIhadn\'t?WhatshallIsaytoyou：ithadallcomeuponmesosuddenly。Ihadscarcelysentfortheportersyounoticedthemasyouwentout,Idaresay。Anideaflasheduponme;
Iwasfirmlyconvincedatthetime,yousee,RodionRomanovitch。Come,Ithought-evenifIletonethingslipforatime,Ishallgetholdofsomethingelse-Ishan\'tlosewhatIwant,anyway。Youarenervouslyirritable,RodionRomanovitch,bytemperament;it\'soutofproportionwithotherqualitiesofyourheartandcharacter,whichI
flattermyselfIhavetosomeextentdivined。OfcourseIdidreflecteventhenthatitdoesnotalwayshappenthatamangetsupandblurtsouthiswholestory。Itdoeshappensometimes,ifyoumakeamanloseallpatience,thougheventhenit\'srare。Iwascapableofrealisingthat。IfIonlyhadafact,Ithought,theleastlittlefacttogoupon,somethingIcouldlayholdof,somethingtangible,notmerelypsychological。Forifamanisguilty,youmustbeabletogetsomethingsubstantialoutofhim;onemayreckonuponmostsurprisingresultsindeed。Iwasreckoningonyourtemperament,RodionRomanovitch,onyourtemperamentaboveallthings!Ihadgreathopesofyouatthattime。“
“Butwhatareyoudrivingatnow？”Raskolnikovmutteredatlast,askingthequestionwithoutthinking。
“Whatishetalkingabout？”hewondereddistractedly,“doeshereallytakemetobeinnocent？”
“WhatamIdrivingat?I\'vecometoexplainmyself,Iconsideritmyduty,sotospeak。Iwanttomakecleartoyouhowthewholebusiness,thewholemisunderstandingarose。I\'vecausedyouagreatdealofsuffering,RodionRomanovitch。Iamnotamonster。Iunderstandwhatitmustmeanforamanwhohasbeenunfortunate,butwhoisproud,imperiousandaboveall,impatient,tohavetobearsuchtreatment!