CHAPTERXI
ThedayswhenMiltounwasfirstallowedoutofbedwereatimeofmingledjoyandsorrowtoherwhohadnursedhim。Toseehimsittingup,amazedathisownweakness,washappiness,yettothinkthathewouldbenomorewhollydependent,nomorethatsacredthing,ahelplesscreature,broughtherthesadnessofamotherwhosechildnolongerneedsher。Witheveryhourhewouldnowgetfartherfromher,backintothefastnessesofhisownspirit。Witheveryhourshewouldbelesshisnurseandcomforter,morethewomanheloved。Andthoughthatthoughtshoneoutintheobscurefuturelikeaglamorousflower,itbroughttoomuchwistfuluncertaintytothepresent。Shewasverytired,too,nowthatallexcitementwasover——sotiredthatshehardlyknewwhatshedidorwhereshemoved。Butasmilehadbecomesofaithfultohereyesthatitclungthereabovetheshadowsoffatigue,andkepttakingherlipsprisoner。
Betweenthetwobronzebustsshehadplacedabowlofliliesofthevalley;andeveryfreenicheinthatroomofbookshadalittlevaseofrosestowelcomeMiltoun\'sreturn。
Hewaslyingbackinhisbigleatherchair,wrappedinaTurkishgownofLordValleys\'——onwhichBarbarahadlaidhands,havingfailedtofindanythingresemblingadressing—gownamongstherbrother\'saustereclothing。Theperfumeoflilieshadovercomethescentofbooks,andabee,dusky,adventurer,filledtheroomwithhispleasanthumming。
Theydidnotspeak,butsmiledfaintly,lookingatoneanother。Inthisstillmoment,beforepassionhadreturnedtoclaimitsown,theirspiritspassedthroughthesleepyair,andbecameentwined,sothatneithercouldwithdrawthatsoft,slow,encounteringglance。Inmutualcontentment,eachtoeach,closeasmusictothestringsofaviolin,theirspiritsclung——solost,theoneintheother,thatneitherforthatbrieftimeseemedtoknowwhichwasself。
Infulfilmentofherresolution,LadyValleys,whohadreturnedtoTownbyamorningtrain,startedwithBarbarafortheTempleaboutthreeintheafternoon,andstoppedatthedoctor\'sontheway。ThewholethingwouldbemuchsimplerifEustacewerefittobemovedatoncetoValleysHouse;andwithmuchreliefshefoundthatthedoctorsawnodangerinthiscourse。Therecoveryhadbeenremarkable——
touchandgoforbadbrainfeverjustavoided！LordMiltoun\'sconstitutionwasextremelysound。Yes,hewouldcertainlyfavouraremoval。Hisroomsweretooconfinedinthisweather。Wellnursed——
decidedly）Oh;yes！Quite！Andthedoctor\'seyesbecameperhapsatriflemoreintense。Notaprofessional,heunderstood。Itmightbeaswelltohaveanothernurse,iftheyweremakingthechange。Theywouldhavethisladyknockingup。Justso！Yes,hewouldseetothat。Anambulancecarriagehethoughtadvisable。Thatcouldallbearrangedforthisafternoon——atonce——hehimselfwouldlooktoit。
TheymighttakeLordMiltounoffjustashewas;themenwouldknowwhattodo。AndwhentheyhadhimatValleysHouse,themomentheshowedinterestinhisfood,downtothesea—downtothesea！Atthistimeofyearnothinglikeit！Thenwithregardtonourishment,hewouldbeinclinedalreadytoshoveinaleetlestimulant,athimblefulperhapsfourtimesadaywithfood——notwithout——mixedwithanegg,witharrowroot,withcustard。Aweekwouldseehimonhislegs,afortnightattheseamakehimasgoodamanasever。
Overwork——burningthecandle——aleetlemorewouldhaveseenaverydifferentstateofthings！Quiteso！quiteso！Wouldcomeroundhimselfbeforedinner,andmakesure。Hispatientmightfeelitjustatfirst！HebowedLadyValleysout;andwhenshehadgone,satdownathistelephonewithasmileflickeringonhisclean—cutlips,Greatlyfortifiedbythisinterview,LadyValleysrejoinedherdaughterintheear;butwhileitslidonamongstthemultitudinoustraffic,signsofunwontednervousnessbegantostartoutthroughtheplacidityofherface。
\"Iwish,mydear,\"shesaidsuddenly,\"thatsomeoneelsehadtodothis。SupposeEustacerefuses！\"
\"Hewon\'t,\"Barbaraanswered;\"shelookssotired,poordear。
Besides————\"
LadyValleysgazedwithcuriosityatthatyoungface,whichhadflushedpink。Yes,thisdaughterofherswasawomanalready,withallawoman\'sintuitions。Shesaidgravely:
\"Itwasarashstrokeofyours,Babs;let\'shopeitwon\'tleadtodisaster。\"
Barbarabitherlips。
\"Ifyou\'dseenhimasIsawhim！And,whatdisaster？Mayn\'ttheyloveeachother,iftheywant？\"
LadyValleysswallowedagrimace。Itwassoexactlyherownpointofview。Andyet————！
\"That\'sonlythebeginning,\"shesaid;\"youforgetthesortofboyEustaceis。\"
\"Whycan\'tthepoorthingbeletoutofhercage？\"criedBarbara。
\"Whatgooddoesitdotoanyone？Mother,ifever,whenIammarried,Iwanttogetfree,Iwill！\"
Thetoneofhervoicewassoquivering,andunlikethehappyvoiceofBarbara,thatLadyValleysinvoluntarilycaughtholdofherhandandsqueezedithard。
\"Mydearsweet,\"shesaid,\"don\'tlet\'stalkofsuchgloomythings。\"
\"Imeanit。Nothingshallstopme。\"
ButLadyValleys\'facehadsuddenlybecomerathergrim。
\"Sowethink,child;it\'snotsosimple。\"
\"Itcan\'tbeworse,anyway,\"mutteredBarbara,\"thanbeingburiedaliveasthatwretchedwomanis。\"
ForanswerLadyValleysonlymurmured:
\"Thedoctorpromisedthatambulancecarriageatfouro\'clock。WhatamIgoingtosay？\"
\"She\'llunderstandwhenyoulookather。She\'sthatsort。\"
ThedoorwasopenedtothembyMrs。Noelherself。
ItwasthefirsttimeLadyValleyshadseenherinahouse,andtherewasrealcuriositymixedwiththeassurancewhichmaskedhernervousness。Aprettycreature,evenlovely！Butthequitegenuinesympathyinherwords:\"Iamtrulygrateful。Youmustbequitewornout,\"didnotpreventheraddinghastily:\"Thedoctorsayshemustbegothomeoutofthesehotrooms。We\'llwaitherewhileyoutellhim。\"
Andthenshesawthatitwastrue;thiswomanwasthesortwhounderstood。
Leftinthedarkpassage,shepeeredroundatBarbara。
Thegirlwasstandingagainstthewallwithherheadthrownback。
LadyValleyscouldnotseeherface;butshefeltallofasuddenexceedinglyuncomfortable,andwhispered:
\"Twomurdersandatheft,Babs;wasn\'tit\'OurMutualFriend\'？\"
\"Mother！\"
\"What？\"
\"Herface！Whenyou\'regoingtothrowawayaflower,itlooksatyou！\"
\"Mydear！\"murmuredLadyValleys,thoroughlydistressed,\"whatthingsyou\'resayingto—day！\"
Thislurkinginadarkpassage,thiswhisperinggirl——itwasallqueer,unlikeanexperienceinproperlife。
AndthenthroughthereopeneddoorshesawMiltoun,stretchedoutinachair,verypale,butstillwiththatlookabouthiseyesandlips,whichofallthingsintheworldhadachasteningeffectonLadyValleys,makingherfeelsomehowincurablymundane。
Shesaidrathertimidly:
\"I\'msogladyou\'rebetter,dear。Whatatimeyoumusthavehad！
It\'stoobadthatIknewnothingtillyesterday！\"
ButMiltoun\'sanswerwas,asusual,thoroughlydisconcerting。
\"Thanks,yes！Ihavehadaperfecttime——andhavenowtopayforit,Isuppose。\"
Heldbackbyhissmilefrombendingtokisshim,poorLadyValleysfidgetedfromheadtofoot。Asuddenimpulseofsheerwomanlinesscausedateartofallonhishand。
WhenMiltounperceivedthatmoisture,hesaid:
\"It\'sallright,mother。I\'mquitewillingtocome。\"
Stillwoundedbyhisvoice,LadyValleyshardenedinstantly。Andwhilepreparingfordepartureshewatchedthetwofurtively。Theyhardlylookedatoneanother,andwhentheydid,theireyesbaffledher。Theexpressionwasoutsideherexperience,belongingasitweretoadifferentworld,withitsfaintlysmiling,almostshining,gravity。
VastlyrelievedwhenMiltoun,coveredwithafur,hadbeentakendowntothecarriage,shelingeredtospeaktoMrs。Noel。
\"Weoweyouagreatdebt。Itmighthavebeensomuchworse。Youmustn\'tbedisconsolate。Gotobedandhaveagoodlongrest。\"Andfromthedoor,shemurmuredagain:\"Hewillcomeandthankyou,whenhe\'swell。\"
Descendingthestonestairs,shethought:\"\'Anonyma\'——\'Anonyma\'——yes,itwasquitethename。\"AndsuddenlyshesawBarbaracomerunningupagain。
\"Whatisit,Babs？\"
Barbaraanswered:
\"Eustacewouldlikesomeofthoselilies。\"And,passingLadyValleys,shewentonuptoMiltoun\'schambers。
Mrs。Noelwasnotinthesitting—room,andgoingtothebedroomdoor,thegirllookedin。
Shewasstandingbythebed,drawingherhandoverandoverthewhitesurfaceofthepillow。Stealingnoiselesslyback,Barbaracaughtupthebunchoflilies,andfled。
CHAPTERXII
Miltoun,whoseconstitution,hadthesteel—likequalityofLadyCasterley\'s,hadaveryrapidconvalescence。And,havingbeguntotakeaninterestinhisfood,hewasallowedtotravelontheseventhdaytoSeaHouseinchargeofBarbara。
Thetwospenttheirtimeinalittlesummer—houseclosetothesea;
lyingoutonthebeachunderthegroynes;and,asMiltoungrewstronger,motoringandwalkingontheDowns。
ToBarbara,keepingaclosewatch,heseemedtranquillyenoughdrinkinginfromNaturewhatwasnecessarytorestorebalanceafterthestruggle,andbreakdownofthepastweeks。Yetshecouldnevergetridofaqueerfeelingthathewasnotreallythereatall;tolookathimwaslikewatchinganuninhabitedhousethatwaswaitingforsomeonetoenter。
DuringawholefortnighthedidnotmakeasingleallusiontoMrs。
Noel,till,ontheverylastmorning,astheywerewatchingthesea,,hesaidwithhisqueersmile:
\"Italmostmakesonebelievehertheory,thattheoldgodsarenotdead。Doyoueverseethem,Babs;orareyou,likeme,obtuse？\"
Certainlyaboutthoselitheinvasionsofthesea—nymphwaves,withashy,streaminghair,flingingthemselvesintothearmsoftheland,therewastheoldpaganrapture,aninexhaustibledelight,apassionatesoftacceptanceofeternalfate,awonderfulacquiescenceintheuntiringmysteryoflife。
ButBarbara,everdisconcertedbythattoneinhisvoice,andbythisquickdiveintothewatersofunaccustomedthought,failedtofindananswer。
Miltounwenton:
\"Shesays,too,wecanhearApollosinging。Shallwetry。\"
Butallthatcamewasthesighofthesea,andofthewindinthetamarisk。
\"No,\"mutteredMiltounatlast,\"shealonecanhearit。\"
AndBarbarasaw,oncemoreonhisfacethatlook,neithersadnorimpatient,butasofoneuninhabitedandwaiting。
SheleftSeaHousenextdaytorejoinhermother,who,havingbeentoCowes,andtotheDuchessofGloucester\'s,wasbackinTownwaitingforParliamenttorise,beforegoingofftoScotland。AndthatsameafternoonthegirlmadeherwaytoMrs。Noel\'sflat。Inpayingthisvisitshewasmovednotsomuchbycompassion,asbyuneasiness,andastrangecuriosity。NowthatMiltounwaswellagain,shewasseriouslydisturbedinmind。HadshemadeamistakeinsummoningMrs。Noeltonursehim？
Whenshewentintothelittledrawing—roomAudreywassittinginthedeep—cushionedwindow—seatwithabookonherknee;andbythefactthatitwasopenattheindex,Barbarajudgedthatshehadnotbeenreadingtooattentively。Sheshowednosignsofagitationatthesightofhervisitor,noranyeagernesstohearnewsofMiltoun。Butthegirlhadnotbeenfiveminutesintheroombeforethethoughtcametoher:\"Why！ShehasthesamelookasEustace！\"She,too,waslikeanemptytenement;withoutimpatience,discontent,orgrief—
—waiting！Barbarahadscarcelyrealizedthiswithacurioussenseofdiscomposure,whenCourtierwasannounced。WhethertherewasinthisanabsolutecoincidenceorjustthatamountofcalculationwhichmightfollowonhispartfromreceiptofanotewrittenfromSeaHouse——sayingthatMiltounwaswellagain,thatshewascomingupandmeanttogoandthankMrs。Noel——wasnotclear,norwereherownsensations;andshedrewoverherfacethatarmouredlookwhichsheperhapsknewCourtiercouldnotbeartosee。Hisface,atallevents,wasveryredwhenheshookhands。Hehadcome,hetoldMrs。
Noel,tosaygood—bye。Hewasdefinitelyoffnextweek。Fightinghadbrokenout;therevolutionariesweregreatlyoutnumbered。Indeedheoughttohavebeentherelongbefore！
Barbarahadgoneovertothewindow;sheturnedsuddenly,andsaid:
\"Youwerepreachingpeacetwomonthsago！\"
Courtierbowed。
\"Wearenotallperfectlyconsistent,LadyBarbara。Thesepoordevilshaveaholycause。\"
BarbaraheldoutherhandtoMrs。Noel。
\"Youonlythinktheircauseholybecausetheyhappentobeweak。
Good—bye,Mrs。Noel;theworldismeantforthestrong,isn\'tit！\"
Sheintendedthattohurthim;andfromthetoneofhisvoice,sheknewithad。
\"Don\'t,LadyBarbara;fromyourmother,yes;notfromyou！\"
\"It\'swhatIbelieve。Good—bye！\"Andshewentout。
Shehadtoldhimthatshedidnotwanthimtogo——notyet;andhewasgoing！
Butnosoonerhadshegotoutside,afterthatstrangeoutburst,thanshebitherlipstokeepbackanangry,miserablefeeling。Hehadbeenrudetoher,shehadbeenrudetohim;thatwasthewaytheyhadsaidgood—bye！Then,assheemergedintothesunlight,shethought:
\"Oh！well;hedoesn\'tcare,andI\'msureIdon\'t！\"
Sheheardavoicebehindher。
\"MayIgetyouacab？\"andatoncethesorefeelingbegantodieaway;butshedidnotlookround,onlysmiled,andshookherhead,andmadealittleroomforhimonthepavement。
Butthoughtheywalked,theydidnotatfirsttalk。TherewasrisingwithinBarbaraatantalizingdevilofdesiretoknowthefeelingsthatreallylaybehindthatdeferentialgravity,tomakehimshowherhowmuchhereallycared。Shekepthereyesdemurelylowered,butshelettheglimmerofasmileflickeraboutherlips;sheknewtoothathercheekswereglowing,andforthatshewasnotsorry。Wasshenottohaveany——any——washecalmlytogoaway——without————Andshethought:\"Heshallsaysomething！Heshallshowme,withoutthathorribleironyofhis！\"
Shesaidsuddenly:
\"Thosetwoarejustwaiting——somethingwillhappen！\"
\"Itisprobable,\"washisgraveanswer。
Shelookedathimthen——itpleasedhertoseehimquiverasifthatglancehadgonerightintohim;andshesaidsoftly:
\"AndIthinktheywillbequiteright。\"
Sheknewthosewererecklesswords,norcaredverymuchwhattheymeant;butsheknewtherevoltinthemwouldmovehim。Shesawfromhisfacethatithad;andafteralittlepause,said:
\"Happinessisthegreatthing,\"andwithsoft,wickedslowness:
\"Isn\'tit,Mr。Courtier？\"
Butallthecheerinesshadgoneoutofhisface,whichhadgrownalmostpale。Heliftedhishand,andletitdrop。Thenshefeltsorry。Itwasjustasifhehadaskedhertosparehim。
\"Astothat,\"hesaid:\"Therough,unfortunately,hastobetakenwiththesmooth。Butlife\'sfrightfullyjollysometimes。\"
\"Asnow？\"
Helookedatherwithfirmgravity,andanswered\"Asnow。\"
AsenseofuttermortificationseizedonBarbara。Hewastoostrongforher——hewasquixotic——hewashateful！And,determinednottoshowasign,tobeatleastasstrongashe,shesaidcalmly:
\"NowIthinkI\'llhavethatcab！\"
Whenshewasinthecab,andhewasstandingwithhishatlifted,shelookedathiminthewaythatwomencan,sothathedidnotrealizethatshehadlooked。
CHAPTERXIII
WhenMiltouncametothankher,AudreyNoelwaswaitinginthemiddleoftheroom,dressedinwhite,herlipssmiling,herdarkeyessmiling,stillasafloweronawindlessday。
Inthatfirstlookpassingbetweenthem,theyforgoteverythingbuthappiness。Swallows,onthefirstdayofsummer,intheirdiscoveryoftheblandair,canneitherrememberthatcoldwindsblow,norimaginethedeathofsunlightontheirfeathers,and,flittinghourafterhouroverthegoldenfields,seemnolongerbirds,butjustthebreathingofanewseason——swallowswerenomoreforgetfulofmisfortunethanwerethosetwo。Hisgazewasasstillasherveryself;herlookathimhadinatthequietudeofallemotion。
Whenthey\'satdowntotalkitwasasiftheyhadgonebacktothosedaysatMonkland,whenhehadcometohersooftentodiscusseverythinginheavenandearth。Andyet,overthattranquileagerdrinking——inofeachother\'spresence,hoveredasortofawe。Itwasthemoodofmorningbeforethesunhassoared。Thedew—greycobwebsenwrappedtheflowersoftheirhearts——yeteveryprisonedflowercouldbeseen。Andheandsheseemedlookingthroughthatwebatthecolourandthedeep—downformsenshroudedsojealously;eachfearedtoomuchtounveiltheother\'sheart。Theywerelikeloverswho,ramblinginashywood,neverdarestaytheirbabblingtalkofthetreesandbirdsandlostbluebells,lestinthedeepwatersofakisstheirstarofallthatistocomeshouldfallandbedrowned。Toeachhouritsfamiliar——andthespiritofthathourwasthespiritofthewhiteflowersinthebowlonthewindow—sillaboveherhead。
TheyspokeofMonk—land,andMiltoun\'sillness;ofhisfirstspeech,hisimpressionsoftheHouseofCommons;ofmusic,Barbara,Courtier,theriver。Hetoldherofhishealth,anddescribedhisdaysdownbythesea。She,asever,spokelittleofherself,persuadedthatitcouldnotinterestevenhim;butshedescribedavisittotheopera;
andhowshehadfoundapictureintheNationalGallerywhichremindedherofhim。Toallthesetrivialthingsandcountlessothers,thetoneoftheirvoices——soft,almostmurmuring,withasortofdelightedgentleness——gaveahigh,sweetimportance,ahalothatneitherfortheworldwouldhavedislodgedfromwhereithovered。
Itwaspastsixwhenhegotuptogo,andtherehadnotbeenamomenttobreakthecalmofthatsacredfeelinginboththeirhearts。Theypartedwithanothertranquillook,whichseemedtosay:\'Itiswellwithus——wehavedrunkofhappiness。\'
AndinthissameamazingcalmMiltounremainedafterhehadgoneaway,tillabouthalf—pastnineintheevening,hestartedforth,towalkdowntotheHouse。Itwasnowthatsortofwarm,clearnight,whichinthecountryhasfireflymagic,andevenovertheTownspreadsadarkglamour。AndforMiltoun,inthedelightofhisnewhealthandwell—being,witheverysensealiveandclean,towalkthroughthewarmthandbeautyofthisnightwassheerpleasure。HepassedbywayofSt。James\'sPark,treadingdownthepurpleshadowsofplane—treeleavesintothepoolsoflamplight,almostwithremorse——sobeautiful,andasifalive,werethey。Thereweremothsabroad,andgnats,bornonthewater,andscentofnew—mowngrassdriftedupfromthelawns。Hisheartfeltlightasaswallowhehadseenthatmorning;swoopingatagreyfeather,carryingitalong,lettingitflutteraway,thendivingtoseizeitagain。Suchwashiselation,thisbeautifulnight！NearingtheHouseofCommons,hethoughthewouldwalkalittlelonger,andturnedwestwardtotheriver:Onthatwarmeveningthewater,withoutmovementatturnoftide,wasliketheblack,snake—smoothhairofNaturestreamingoutonhercouchofEarth,waitingforthecaressofadivinehand。Farawayonthefurther;bankthrobbedsomehugemachine,notstilledasyet。Afewstarswereoutinthedarksky,butnomoontoinvestwithpallorthegleamofthelamps。Scarcelyanyonepassed。Miltounstrolledalongtheriverwall,thencrossed,andcamebackinfrontoftheMansionswhereshelived。Bytherailinghestoodstill。Inthesitting—roomofherlittleflattherewasnolight,butthecasementwindowwaswideopen,andthecrownofwhiteflowersinthebowlonthewindow—sillstillgleamedoutinthedarknesslikeacrescentmoonlyingonitsface。Suddenly,hesawtwopalehandsrise——oneoneithersideofthatbowl,liftit,anddrawitin。Andhequivered,asthoughtheyhadtouchedhim。Againthosetwohandscamefloatingup;theywerepartednowbydarkness;themoonofflowerswasgone,initsplacehadbeensethandfulsofpurpleorcrimsonblossoms。Andapuffofwarmairrisingquicklyoutofthenightdriftedtheirscentofclovesintohisface,sothatheheldhisbreathforfearofcallingouthername。
Againthehandshadvanished——throughtheopenwindowtherewasnothingtobeseenbutdarkness;andsucharushoflongingseizedonMiltounasstolefromhimallpowerofmovement。Hecouldhearherplaying,now。Themurmurouscurrentofthatmelodywaslikethenightitself,sighing,throbbing,languorouslysoft。Itseemedthatinthismusicshewascallinghim,tellinghimthatshe,too,waslonging;herheart,too,empty。Itdiedaway;andatthewindowherwhitefigureappeared。Fromthatvisionhecouldnot,nordidhetrytoshrink,butmovedoutintothe,lamplight。Andhesawhersuddenlystretchoutherhandstohim,andwithdrawthemtoherbreast。ThenallsavethemadnessofhislongingdesertedMiltoun。
Herandownthelittlegarden,acrossthehall,upthestairs。
Thedoorwasopen。Hepassedthrough。There,inthesitting—room,wheretheredflowersinthewindowscentedalltheair,itwasdark,andhecouldnotatfirstseeher,tillagainstthepianohecaughttheglimmerofherwhitedress。Shewassittingwithhandsrestingonthepalenotes。Andfallingonhisknees,heburiedhisfaceagainsther。Then,withoutlookingup,heraisedhishands。Hertearsfellonthemcoveringherheart,thatthrobbedasifthepassionatenightitselfwerebreathinginthere,andallbutthenightandherlovehadstolenforth。
CHAPTERXIV
OnaspuroftheSussexDowns,inlandfromNettle—Cold,therestandsabeech—grove。Thetravellerwhoentersitoutoftheheatandbrightness,takesofftheshoesofhisspiritbeforeits,sanctity;
and,reachingthecentre,acrossthecleanbeech—mat,hesitsrefreshinghisbrowwithair,andsilence。Fortheflowersofsunlightonthegroundunderthosebranchesarepaleandrare,noinsectshum,thebirdsarealmostmute。Andclosetothebordertreesarethequiet,milk—whitesheep,incongregation,escapingfromnoonheat。Here,abovefieldsanddwellings,abovetheceaselessnetworkofmen\'sdoings,andthevapouroftheirtalk,thetravellerfeelssolemnity。Allseemsconveyingdivinity——thegreatwhitecloudsmovingtheirwingsabovehim,thefaintlongingmurmuroftheboughs,andinfardistance,thesea……AndforaspacehisrestlessnessandfearknowthepeaceofGod。
SoitwaswithMiltounwhenhereachedthistemple,threedaysafterthatpassionatenight,havingwalkedforhours,aloneandfullofconflict。Duringthosethreedayshehadbeenborneforwardonthefloodtide;andnow,tearinghimselfoutofLondon,wheretothinkwasimpossible,hehadcometothesolitudeoftheDownstowalk,andfacehisnewposition。
Forthatpositionhesawtobeveryserious。Intheflushoffullrealization,therewasforhimnoquestionofrenunciation。Shewashis,hehers;thatwasdetermined。Butwhat,then,washetodo？
Therewasnochanceofhergettingfree。Inherhusband\'sview,itseemed,undernocircumstanceswasmarriagedissoluble。Nor,indeed,toMiltounwoulddivorcehavemadethingseasier,believingashedidthatheandshewereguilty,andthatfortheguiltytherecouldbenomarriage。She,itwastrue,askednothingbutjusttobehisinsecret;andthatwasthecourseheknewmostmenwouldtake,withoutfurtherthought。Therewasnomaterialreasonintheworldwhyheshouldnotsoact,andmaintainunchangedeveryothercurrentofhislife。Itwouldbeeasy,usual。And,withherfacultyforself—
effacement,heknewshewouldnotbeunhappy。Butconscience,inMiltoun,wasaterribleandfiercething。InthedeliriumofhisillnessithadbecomethatGreatFacewhichhadmarchedoverhim。
And,thoughduringtheweeksofhisrecuperation,struggleofallkindhadceased,nowthathehadyieldedtohispassion,conscience,inanewanddismalshape,hadcreptupagaintositabovehisheart:
Hemustandwouldletthisman,herhusband,know;butevenifthatcausednoopenscandal,couldhegoondeceivingthosewho,iftheyknewofanillicitlove,wouldnolongerallowhimtobetheirrepresentative？Ifitwereknownthatshewashismistress,hecouldnolongermaintainhispositioninpubliclife——washenotthereforeinhonourbound;ofhisownaccord,toresignit？Nightanddayhewashauntedbythethought:HowcanI,livingindefianceofauthority,pretendtoauthorityovermyfellows？HowcanIremaininpubliclife？Butifhedidnotremaininpubliclife,whatwashetodo？Thatwayoflifewasinhisblood;hehadbeenbredandbornintoit;hadthoughtofnothingelsesincehewasaboy。Therewasnootheroccupationorinterestthatcouldholdhimforamoment——hesawveryplainlythathewouldbecastawayonthewatersofexistence。
Sothebattleragedinhisproudandtwistedspirit,whichtookeverythingsohard——hisnatureimperativelycommandinghimtokeephisworkandhispowerforusefulness;hisconsciencetellinghimasurgentlythatifhesoughttowieldauthority,hemustobeyit。
Heenteredthebeech—groveattheheightofthismisery,flamingwithrebellionagainstthedilemmawhichFatehadplacedbeforehim;