Ihurrieddownthehill:mypilgrimagewasbegun！InwhatdirectiontoturnmystepsIknewnot,butImustgoandgotillIfoundmylivingdead！Atorrentranswiftandwideatthefootoftherange:
Irushedin,itlaidnoholduponme;Iwadedthroughit。ThenextIsprangacross;thethirdIswam;thenextIwadedagain。
Istoppedtogazeonthewondrouslovelinessoftheceaselessflashandflow,andtohearkentothemultitudinousbrokenmusic。Everynowandthensomeincipientairwouldseemabouttodrawitselfclearofthedulcetconfusion,onlytomergeagainintheconsortedroar。
Atmomentstheworldofwaterswouldinvadeasiftooverwhelmme——notwiththeforceofitsseawardrush,ortheshoutingofitsliberatedthrong,butwiththegreatnessofthesilencewanderingintosound。
AsIstoodlostindelight,ahandwaslaidonmyshoulder。I
turned,andsawamanintheprimeofstrength,beautifulasiffreshfromtheheartofthegladcreator,younglikehimwhocannotgrowold。Ilooked:itwasAdam。Hestoodlargeandgrand,clothedinawhiterobe,withthemooninhishair。
\"Father,\"Icried,\"whereisshe？Wherearethedead？Isthegreatresurrectioncomeandgone？Theterrorofmylonelinesswasuponme;
Icouldnotsleepwithoutmydead;Iranfromthedesolatechamber。
——WhithershallIgotofindthem？\"
\"Youmistake,myson,\"heanswered,inavoicewhoseverybreathwasconsolation。\"Youarestillinthechamberofdeath,stilluponyourcouch,asleepanddreaming,withthedeadaroundyou。\"
\"Alas！whenIbutdreamhowamItoknowit？Thedreambestdreamedisthelikesttothewakingtruth！\"
\"Whenyouarequitedead,youwilldreamnofalsedream。Thesoulthatistruecangeneratenothingthatisnottrue,neithercanthefalseenterit。\"
\"But,sir,\"Ifaltered,\"howamItodistinguishbetwixtthetrueandthefalsewherebothalikeseemreal？\"
\"Doyounotunderstand？\"hereturned,withasmilethatmighthaveslainallthesorrowsofallhischildren。\"YouCANNOTperfectlydistinguishbetweenthetrueandthefalsewhileyouarenotyetquitedead;neitherindeedwillyouwhenyouarequitedead——thatis,quitealive,forthenthefalsewillneverpresentitself。Atthismoment,believeme,youareonyourbedinthehouseofdeath。\"
\"Iamtryinghardtobelieveyou,father。Idoindeedbelieveyou,althoughIcanneitherseenorfeelthetruthofwhatyousay。\"
\"Youarenottoblamethatyoucannot。Andbecauseeveninadreamyoubelieveme,Iwillhelpyou。——Putforthyourlefthandopen,andcloseitgently:itwillclaspthehandofyourLona,wholiesasleepwhereyouliedreamingyouareawake。\"
Iputforthmyhand:itclosedonthehandofLona,firmandsoftanddeathless。
\"But,father,\"Icried,\"sheiswarm！\"
\"Yourhandisaswarmtohers。Coldisathingunknowninourcountry。Neithershenoryouareyetinthefieldsofhome,buteachtoeachisaliveandwarmandhealthful。\"
Thenmyheartwasglad。Butimmediatelysupervenedasharp—stingingdoubt。
\"Father,\"Isaid,\"forgiveme,buthowamItoknowsurelythatthisalsoisnotapartofthelovelydreaminwhichIamnowwalkingwiththyself？\"
\"Thoudoubtestbecausethoulovestthetruth。Somewouldwillinglybelievelifebutaphantasm,ifonlyitmightforeveraffordthemaworldofpleasantdreams:thouartnotofsuch！Becontentforawhilenottoknowsurely。Thehourwillcome,andthaterelong,when,beingtrue,thoushaltbeholdtheverytruth,anddoubtwillbeforeverdead。Scarce,then,wiltthoubeabletorecallthefeaturesofthephantom。Thouwiltthenknowthatwhichthoucanstnotnowdream。ThouhastnotyetlookedtheTruthintheface,hastasyetatbestbutseenhimthroughacloud。Thatwhichthouseestnot,andneverdidstseesaveinaglassdarkly——thatwhich,indeed,nevercanbeknownsavebyitsinnatesplendourshiningstraightintopureeyes——thatthoucanstnotbutdoubt,andartblamelessindoubtinguntilthouseestitfacetoface,whenthouwiltnolongerbeabletodoubtit。Buttohimwhohasonceseenevenashadowonlyofthetruth,and,evenbuthopinghehasseenitwhenitispresentnolonger,triestoobeyit——tohimtherealvision,theTruthhimself,willcome,anddepartnomore,butabidewithhimforever。\"
\"IthinkIsee,father,\"Isaid;\"IthinkIunderstand。\"
\"Thenremember,andrecall。Trialsyetawaitthee,heavy,ofanaturethouknowestnotnow。Rememberthethingsthouhastseen。
Trulythouknowestnotthosethings,butthouknowestwhattheyhaveseemed,whattheyhavemeanttothee！Rememberalsothethingsthoushaltyetsee。Truthisallinall;andthetruthofthingslies,atoncehidandrevealed,intheirseeming。\"
\"Howcanthatbe,father？\"Isaid,andraisedmyeyeswiththequestion;forIhadbeenlisteningwithdownbenthead,awareofnothingbutthevoiceofAdam。
Hewasgone;inmyearswasnoughtbutthesoundingsilenceoftheswift—flowingwaters。Istretchedforthmyhandstofindhim,butnoansweringtouchmettheirseeking。Iwasalone——aloneinthelandofdreams！TomyselfIseemedwideawake,butIbelievedIwasinadream,becausehehadtoldmeso。
Eveninadream,however,thedreamermustdosomething！hecannotsitdownandrefusetostiruntilthedreamgrowwearyofhimanddepart:Itookupmywandering,andwenton。
ManychannelsIcrossed,andcametoawiderspaceofrock;there,dreamingIwasweary,Ilaidmyselfdown,andlongedtobeawake。
Iwasabouttoriseandresumemyjourney,whenIdiscoveredthatI
laybesideapitintherock,whosemouthwaslikethatofagrave。
Itwasdeepanddark;Icouldseenobottom。
NowinthedreamsofmychildhoodIhadfoundthatafallinvariablywokeme,andwould,therefore,whendesiringtodiscontinueadream,seeksomeeminencewhencetocastmyselfdownthatImightwake:
withoneglanceatthepeacefulheavens,andoneattherushingwaters,Irolledmyselfovertheedgeofthepit。
Foramomentconsciousnessleftme。Whenitreturned,Istoodinthegarretofmyownhouse,inthelittlewoodenchamberofthecowlandthemirror。
Unspeakabledespair,hopelessnessblankanddreary,invadedmewiththeknowledge:betweenmeandmyLonalayanabyssimpassable！
stretchedadistancenochaincouldmeasure！SpaceandTimeandModeofBeing,aswithwallsofadamantunscalable,impenetrable,shutmeinfromthatgulf！True,itmightyetbeinmypowertopassagainthroughthedooroflight,andjourneybacktothechamberofthedead;andifso,Iwaspartedfromthatchamberonlybyawideheath,andbythepale,starrynightbetwixtmeandthesun,whichalonecouldopenformethemirror—door,andwasnowfarawayontheothersideoftheworld！butanimmeasurablywidergulfsankbetweenusinthis——thatshewasasleepandIwasawake！thatIwasnolongerworthytosharewithherthatsleep,andcouldnolongerhopetoawakefromitwithher！FortrulyIwasmuchtoblame:I
hadfledfrommydream！Thedreamwasnotofmymaking,anymorethanwasmylife:Ioughttohaveseenittotheend！andinfleeingfromit,Ihadlefttheholysleepitselfbehindme！——IwouldgobacktoAdam,tellhimthetruth,andbowtohisdecree！
Icrepttomychamber,threwmyselfonmybed,andpassedadreamlessnight。
Irose,andlistlesslysoughtthelibrary。OnthewayImetnoone;
thehouseseemeddead。Isatdownwithabooktoawaitthenoontide:
notasentencecouldIunderstand！Themutilatedmanuscriptoffereditselffromthemaskeddoor:thesightofitsickenedme;whattomewastheprincesswithherdevilry！
Iroseandlookedoutofawindow。Itwasabrilliantmorning。Withagreatrushthefountainshothigh,andfellroaringback。Thesunsatinitsfeatherytop。Notabirdsang,notacreaturewastobeseen。Ravennorlibrariancamenearme。Theworldwasdeadaboutme。Itookanotherbook,satdownagain,andwentonwaiting。
Noonwasnear。Iwentupthestairstothedumb,shadowyroof。I
closedbehindmethedoorintothewoodenchamber,andturnedtoopenthedooroutofadrearyworld。
Ileftthechamberwithaheartofstone。DowhatImight,allwasfruitless。Ipulledthechains;adjustedandre—adjustedthehood;
arrangedandre—arrangedthemirrors;noresultfollowed。Iwaitedandwaitedtogivethevisiontime;itwouldnotcome;themirrorstoodblank;nothinglayinitsdimolddepthbutthemirroroppositeandmyhaggardface。
Iwentbacktothelibrary。Therethebookswerehatefultome——forIhadoncelovedthem。
ThatnightIlayawakefromdown—lyingtouprising,andthenextdayrenewedmyendeavourswiththemysticdoor。Butallwasyetinvain。HowthehourswentIcannotthink。Noonecamenighme;notasoundfromthehousebelowenteredmyears。NotoncedidIfeelweary——onlydesolate,drearilydesolate。
Ipassedasecondsleeplessnight。InthemorningIwentforthelasttimetothechamberintheroof,andforthelasttimesoughtanopendoor:therewasnone。Myheartdiedwithinme。IhadlostmyLona！
Wassheanywhere？hadsheeverbeen,saveinthemoulderingcellsofmybrain？\"Imustdieoneday,\"Ithought,\"andthen,straightfrommydeath—bed,Iwillsetouttofindher！Ifsheisnot,I
willgototheFatherandsay——`Eventhoucanstnothelpme:letmecease,Ipraythee！\'\"
CHAPTERXLIV
THEWAKING
ThefourthnightIseemedtofallasleep,andthatnightwokeindeed。
Iopenedmyeyesandknew,althoughallwasdarkaroundme,thatI
layinthehouseofdeath,andthateverymomentsincethereIfellasleepIhadbeendreaming,andnowfirstwasawake。\"Atlast！\"I
saidtomyheart,anditleapedforjoy。Iturnedmyeyes;Lonastoodbymycouch,waitingforme！Ihadneverlosther！——onlyforalittletimelostthesightofher！TrulyIneedednothavelamentedhersosorely！
Itwasdark,asIsay,butIsawher:SHEwasnotdark！HereyesshonewiththeradianceoftheMother\'s,andthesamelightissuedfromherface——norfromherfaceonly,forherdeath—dress,filledwiththelightofherbodynowtenfoldawakeinthepowerofitsresurrection,waswhiteassnowandglistering。Shefellasleepagirl;sheawokeawoman,ripewiththelovelinessofthelifeessential。Ifoldedherinmyarms,andknewthatIlivedindeed。
\"Iwokefirst！\"shesaid,withawonderingsmile。
\"Youdid,mylove,andwokeme！\"
\"Ionlylookedatyouandwaited,\"sheanswered。
Thecandlecamefloatingtowardusthroughthedark,andinafewmomentsAdamandEveandMarawerewithus。Theygreeteduswithaquietgood—morningandasmile:theywereusedtosuchwakings！
\"Ihopeyouhavehadapleasantdarkness！\"saidtheMother。
\"Notvery,\"Ianswered,\"butthewakingfromitisheavenly。\"
\"Itisbutbegun,\"sherejoined;\"youarehardlyyetawake！\"
\"Heisatleastclothed—uponwithDeath,whichistheradiantgarmentofLife,\"saidAdam。
HeembracedLonahischild,putanarmaroundme,lookedamomentortwoinquiringlyattheprincess,andpattedtheheadoftheleopardess。
\"Ithinkweshallmeetyoutwoagainbeforelong,\"hesaid,lookingfirstatLona,thenatme。
\"Havewetodieagain？\"Iasked。
\"No,\"heanswered,withasmileliketheMother\'s;\"youhavediedintolife,andwilldienomore;youhaveonlytokeepdead。Oncedyingaswediehere,allthedyingisover。Nowyouhaveonlytolive,andthatyoumust,withallyourblessedmight。Themoreyoulive,thestrongeryoubecometolive。\"
\"ButshallInotgrowwearywithlivingsostrong？\"Isaid。\"WhatifIceasetolivewithallmymight？\"
\"Itneedsbutthewill,andthestrengthisthere！\"saidtheMother。
\"Purelifehasnoweaknesstogrowwearywithal。THELifekeepsgeneratingours。——Thosewhowillnotdie,diemanytimes,dieconstantly,keepdyingdeeper,neverhavedonedying;hereallisupwardnessandloveandgladness。\"
Sheceasedwithasmileandalookthatseemedtosay,\"Wearemotherandson;weunderstandeachother！Betweenusnofarewellispossible。\"
Marakissedmeontheforehead,andsaid,gayly,\"Itoldyou,brother,allwouldbewell！——Whennextyouwouldcomfort,say,`Whatwillbewell,isevennowwell。\'\"
Shegavealittlesigh,andIthoughtitmeant,\"Buttheywillnotbelieveyou！\"
\"——Youknowmenow！\"sheended,withasmilelikehermother\'s。
\"Iknowyou！\"Ianswered:\"youarethevoicethatcriedinthewildernessbeforeevertheBaptistcame！youaretheshepherdwhosewolveshuntthewanderingsheephomeeretheshadowriseandthenightgrowdark！\"
\"Myworkwillonedaybeover,\"shesaid,\"andthenIshallbegladwiththegladnessofthegreatshepherdwhosentme。\"
\"Allthenightlongthemorningisathand,\"saidAdam。
\"WhatisthatflappingofwingsIhear？\"Iasked。
\"TheShadowishovering,\"repliedAdam:\"thereisoneherewhomhecountshisown！Butoursonce,nevermorecanshebehis！\"
Iturnedtolookonthefacesofmyfatherandmother,andkissthemerewewent:theircoucheswereemptysaveoftheLittleOneswhohadwithlove\'sboldnessappropriatedtheirhospitality！Foraninstantthatawfuldreamofdesolationovershadowedme,andIturnedaside。
\"Whatisit,myheart？\"saidLona。
\"Theiremptyplacesfrightenedme,\"Ianswered。
\"Theyareupandawaylongago,\"saidAdam。\"Theykissedyoueretheywent,andwhispered,`Comesoon。\'\"
\"AndIneithertofeelnorhearthem！\"Imurmured。
\"Howcouldyou——farawayinyourdrearyoldhouse！Youthoughtthedreadfulplacehadyouoncemore！Nowgoandfindthem。——Yourparents,mychild,\"headded,turningtoLona,\"mustcomeandfindyou！\"
Thehourofourdeparturewasathand。Lonawenttothecouchofthemotherwhohadslainher,andkissedhertenderly——thenlaidherselfinherfather\'sarms。
\"Thatkisswilldrawherhomeward,myLona！\"saidAdam。
\"Whowereherparents？\"askedLona。
\"Myfather,\"answeredAdam,\"isherfatheralso。\"
Sheturnedandlaidherhandinmine。
Ikneeledandhumblythankedthethreeforhelpingmetodie。Lonakneltbesideme,andtheyallbreatheduponus。
\"Hark！Ihearthesun,\"saidAdam。
Ilistened:hewascomingwiththerushasofathousandtimestenthousandfar—offwings,withtheroarofamoltenandflamingworldmillionsuponmillionsofmilesaway。Hisapproachwasacrescendochordofahundredharmonies。
Thethreelookedateachotherandsmiled,andthatsmilewentfloatingheavenwardathree—petaledflower,thefamily\'smorningthanksgiving。Fromtheirmouthsandtheirfacesitspreadovertheirbodiesandshonethroughtheirgarments。EreIcouldsay,\"Lo,theychange！\"AdamandEvestoodbeforemetheangelsoftheresurrection,andMarawastheMagdalenewiththematthesepulchre。
ThecountenanceofAdamwaslikelightning,andEveheldanapkinthatflungflakesofsplendourabouttheplace。
Awindbegantomoaninpulsinggusts。
\"Youhearhiswingsnow！\"saidAdam;andIknewhedidnotmeanthewingsofthemorning。
\"ItisthegreatShadowstirringtodepart,\"hewenton。\"Wretchedcreature,hehashimselfwithinhim,andcannotrest！\"
\"Butistherenotinhimsomethingdeeperyet？\"Iasked。
\"Withoutasubstance,\"heanswered,\"ashadowcannotbe——yea,orwithoutalightbehindthesubstance！\"
Helistenedforamoment,thencalledout,withagladsmile,\"Harktothegoldencock！Silentandmotionlessformillionsofyearshashestoodontheclockoftheuniverse;nowatlastheisflappinghiswings！nowwillhebegintocrow！andatintervalswillmenhearhimuntilthedawnofthedayeternal。\"
Ilistened。Faraway——asintheheartofan鎜niansilence,Iheardtheclearjubilantoutcryofthegoldenthroat。Ithurleddefianceatdeathandthedark;sanginfinitehope,andcomingcalm。Itwasthe\"expectationofthecreature\"findingatlastavoice;thecryofachaosthatwouldbeakingdom！
ThenIheardagreatflapping。
\"Theblackbatisflown！\"saidMara。
\"Amen,goldencock,birdofGod！\"criedAdam,andthewordsrangthroughthehouseofsilence,andwentupintotheairyregions。
AthisAMEN——likedovesarisingonwingsofsilverfromamongthepotsherds,upsprangtheLittleOnestotheirkneesontheirbeds,callingaloud,\"Crow！crowagain,goldencock！\"——asiftheyhadbothseenandheardhimintheirdreams。
Theneachturnedandlookedatthesleepingbedfellow,gazedamomentwithlovingeyes,kissedthesilentcompanionofthenight,andsprangfromthecouch。TheLittleOneswhohadlaindownbesidemyfatherandmothergazedblankandsadforamomentattheiremptyplaces,thenslidslowlytothefloor。Theretheyfelleachintotheother\'sarms,asifthenfirst,eachbytheother\'seyes,assuredtheywerealiveandawake。SuddenlyspyingLona,theycamerunning,radiantwithbliss,toembraceher。Odu,catchingsightoftheleopardessonthefeetoftheprincess,boundedtohernext,andthrowinganarmoverthegreatsleepinghead,fondledandkissedit。
\"Wakeup,wakeup,darling！\"hecried;\"itistimetowake！\"
Theleopardessdidnotmove。
\"Shehassleptherselfcold！\"hesaidtoMara,withanupcastlookofappealingconsternation。
\"Sheiswaitingfortheprincesstowake,mychild,\"saidMara。
Odulookedattheprincess,andsawbesideher,stillasleep,twoofhiscompanions。Heflewatthem。
\"Wakeup！wakeup！\"hecried,andpushedandpulled,nowthisone,nowthat。
Butsoonhebegantolooktroubled,andturnedtomewithmistyeyes。
\"Theywillnotwake！\"hesaid。\"Andwhyaretheysocold？\"
\"Theytooarewaitingfortheprincess,\"Ianswered。
Hestretchedacross,andlaidhishandonherface。
\"Sheiscoldtoo！Whatisit？\"hecried——andlookedroundinwonderingdismay。
Adamwenttohim。
\"Herwakeisnotripeyet,\"hesaid:\"sheisbusyforgetting。Whenshehasforgottenenoughtorememberenough,thenshewillsoonberipe,andwake。\"
\"Andremember？\"
\"Yes——butnottoomuchatoncethough。\"
\"Butthegoldencockhascrown！\"arguedthechild,andfellagainuponhiscompanions。
\"Peter！Peter！Crispy！\"hecried。\"Wakeup,Peter！wakeup,Crispy！
Weareallawakebutyoutwo！ThegoldcockhascrownSOloud！Thesunisawakeandcoming！Oh,whyWON\'Tyouwake？\"
ButPeterwouldnotwake,neitherwouldCrispy,andOduweptoutrightatlast。
\"Letthemsleep,darling！\"saidAdam。\"Youwouldnotliketheprincesstowakeandfindnobody？Theyarequitehappy。Soistheleopardess。\"
Hewascomforted,andwipedhiseyesasifhehadbeenallhislifeusedtoweepingandwiping,thoughnowfirsthehadtearswherewithtoweep——soontobewipedaltogetheraway。
WefollowedEvetothecottage。Theresheofferedusneitherbreadnorwine,butstoodradiantlydesiringourdeparture。So,withneverawordoffarewell,wewentout。Thehorseandtheelephantswereatthedoor,waitingforus。Weweretoohappytomountthem,andtheyfollowedus。
CHAPTERXLV
THEJOURNEYHOME
Ithadceasedtobedark;wewalkedinadimtwilight,breathingthroughthedimnessthebreathofthespring。Awondrouschangehadpassedupontheworld——orwasitnotratherthatachangemoremarvelloushadtakenplaceinus？Withoutlightenoughintheskyortheairtorevealanything,everyheather—bush,everysmallshrub,everybladeofgrasswasperfectlyvisible——eitherbylightthatwentoutfromit,asfirefromthebushMosessawinthedesert,orbylightthatwentoutofoureyes。Nothingcastashadow;allthingsinterchangedalittlelight。Everygrowingthingshowedme,byitsshapeandcolour,itsindwellingidea——theinformingthought,thatis,whichwasitsbeing,andsentitout。Mybarefeetseemedtoloveeveryplanttheytrodupon。Theworldandmybeing,itslifeandmine,wereone。Themicrocosmandmacrocosmwereatlengthatoned,atlengthinharmony！Ilivedineverything;everythingenteredandlivedinme。Tobeawareofathing,wastoknowitslifeatonceandmine,toknowwhencewecame,andwherewewereathome——wastoknowthatweareallwhatweare,becauseAnotheriswhatheis！Senseaftersense,hithertoasleep,awokeinme——senseaftersenseindescribable,becausenocorrespondentwords,nolikenessesorimaginationsexist,wherewithaltodescribethem。
Fullindeed——yeteverexpanding,evermakingroomtoreceive——wastheconsciousbeingwherethingskeptenteringbysomanyopendoors！Whenalittlebreezebrushingabushofheathersetitspurplebellsaringing,Iwasmyselfinthejoyofthebells,myselfinthejoyofthebreezetowhichrespondedtheirsweetTIN—TINNING**,myselfinthejoyofthesense,andofthesoulthatreceivedallthejoystogether。ToeverythinggladIlentthehallofmybeingwhereintorevel。Iwasapeacefuloceanuponwhichtheground—swellofalivingjoywascontinuallyliftingnewwaves;yetwasthejoyeverthesamejoy,theeternaljoy,withtensofthousandsofchangingforms。Lifewasacosmicholiday。
NowIknewthatlifeandtruthwereone;thatlifemereandpureisinitselfbliss;thatwherebeingisnotbliss,itisnotlife,butlife—in—death。Everyinspirationofthedarkwindthatblewwhereitlisted,wentoutasighofthanksgiving。AtlastIwas！
Ilived,andnothingcouldtouchmylife！Mydarlingwalkedbesideme,andwewereonourwayhometotheFather！
Somuchwasoursereeverthefirstsunroseuponourfreedom:whatmustnottheeternaldaybringwithit！