Confessions of an English Opium-Eater

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第4章

Confessions of an English Opium-Eater Thomas De Quincey

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Confessions of an English Opium-Eater
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  theclouds,bywhichchieflytheeyeexpoundsthedistanceofthebluepavilionstretchedoverourheads,areinsummermorevoluminous,massedandaccumulatedinfargranderandmoretoweringpiles。Secondly,thelightandtheappearancesofthedecliningandthesettingsunaremuchmorefittedtobetypesandcharactersoftheInfinite。Andthirdly(whichisthemainreason),theexuberantandriotousprodigalityoflifenaturallyforcesthemindmorepowerfullyupontheantagonistthoughtofdeath,andthewintrysterilityofthegrave。Foritmaybeobservedgenerally,thatwherevertwothoughtsstandrelatedtoeachotherbyalawofantagonism,andexist,asitwere,bymutualrepulsion,theyareapttosuggesteachother。OntheseaccountsitisthatIfinditimpossibletobanishthethoughtofdeathwhenIamwalkingaloneintheendlessdaysofsummer;andanyparticulardeath,ifnotmoreaffecting,atleasthauntsmymindmoreobstinatelyandbesieginglyinthatseason。Perhapsthiscause,andaslightincidentwhichI

  omit,mighthavebeentheimmediateoccasionsofthefollowingdream,towhich,however,apredispositionmustalwayshaveexistedinmymind;buthavingbeenoncerouseditneverleftme,andsplitintoathousandfantasticvarieties,whichoftensuddenlyreunited,andcomposedagaintheoriginaldream。

  IthoughtthatitwasaSundaymorninginMay,thatitwasEasterSunday,andasyetveryearlyinthemorning。Iwasstanding,asitseemedtome,atthedoorofmyowncottage。Rightbeforemelaytheveryscenewhichcouldreallybecommandedfromthatsituation,butexalted,aswasusual,andsolemnisedbythepowerofdreams。

  Therewerethesamemountains,andthesamelovelyvalleyattheirfeet;butthemountainswereraisedtomorethanAlpineheight,andtherewasinterspacefarlargerbetweenthemofmeadowsandforestlawns;thehedgeswererichwithwhiteroses;andnolivingcreaturewastobeseen,exceptingthatinthegreenchurchyardtherewerecattletranquillyreposingupontheverdantgraves,andparticularlyroundaboutthegraveofachildwhomIhadtenderlyloved,justasIhadreallybeheldthem,alittlebeforesunriseinthesamesummer,whenthatchilddied。Igazeduponthewell-knownscene,andIsaidaloud(asIthought)tomyself,\"Ityetwantsmuchofsunrise,anditisEasterSunday;andthatisthedayonwhichtheycelebratethefirstfruitsofresurrection。Iwillwalkabroad;oldgriefsshallbeforgottento-day;fortheairiscoolandstill,andthehillsarehighandstretchawaytoheaven;andtheforestgladesareasquietasthechurchyard,andwiththedewIcanwashthefeverfrommyforehead,andthenIshallbeunhappynolonger。\"AndIturnedasiftoopenmygardengate,andimmediatelyIsawupontheleftascenefardifferent,butwhichyetthepowerofdreamshadreconciledintoharmonywiththeother。ThescenewasanOrientalone,andtherealsoitwasEasterSunday,andveryearlyinthemorning。Andatavastdistancewerevisible,asastainuponthehorizon,thedomesandcupolasofagreatcity——animageorfaintabstraction,caughtperhapsinchildhoodfromsomepictureofJerusalem。Andnotabow-shotfromme,uponastoneandshadedbyJudeanpalms,theresatawoman,andIlooked,anditwas——Ann!Shefixedhereyesuponmeearnestly,andIsaidtoheratlength:\"So,then,Ihavefoundyouatlast。\"Iwaited,butsheansweredmenotaword。HerfacewasthesameaswhenIsawitlast,andyetagainhowdifferent!Seventeenyearsago,whenthelamp-lightfelluponherface,asforthelasttimeIkissedherlips(lips,Ann,thattomewerenotpolluted),hereyeswerestreamingwithtears:thetearswerenowwipedaway;sheseemedmorebeautifulthanshewasatthattime,butinallotherpointsthesame,andnotolder。Herlooksweretranquil,butwithunusualsolemnityofexpression,andI

  nowgazeduponherwithsomeawe;butsuddenlyhercountenancegrewdim,andturningtothemountainsIperceivedvapoursrollingbetweenus。Inamomentallhadvanished,thickdarknesscameon,andinthetwinklingofaneyeIwasfarawayfrommountains,andbylamplightinOxfordStreet,walkingagainwithAnn——justaswewalkedseventeenyearsbefore,whenwewerebothchildren。

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