Shemusedawhile,lookingoutwithfixedeyes。
\"Thatiswhythebellrangsocheerfully,\"shesaid。\"Whentheolddieitiswell;theyhavehadtheirtime。Itiswhentheyoungdiethatthebellsweepdropsofblood。\"
\"Buttheoldlovelife?\"hesaid;foritwassweettohearherspeak。
Sheraisedherselfonherelbow。
\"Theylovelife,theydonotwanttodie,\"sheanswered,\"butwhatofthat?
Theyhavehadtheirtime。Theyknewthataman’slifeisthree—scoreyearsandten;theyshouldhavemadetheirplansaccordingly!
\"Buttheyoung,\"shesaid,\"theyoung,cutdown,cruelly,whentheyhavenotseen,whentheyhavenotknown——whentheyhavenotfound——itisforthemthatthebellsweepblood。Iheardintheringingitwasanoldman。
Whentheolddie——Listentothebell!itislaughing——’Itisright,itisright;hehashadhistime。’Theycannotringsofortheyoung。\"
Shefellbackexhausted;thehotlightdiedfromhereyes,andshelaylookingoutintothestreet。Byandbystragglersfromthefuneralbegantocomebackanddisappearhereandthereamongthehouses;thenallwasquiet,andthenightbegantosettledownuponthevillagestreet。
Afterward,whentheroomwasalmostdark,sothattheycouldnotseeeachother’sfaces,shesaid,\"Itwillraintonight;\"andmovedrestlesslyonthepillows。\"Howterriblewhentherainfallsdownonyou。\"
Hewonderedwhatshemeant,andtheysatoninthestilldarkeningroom。
Shemovedagain。
\"Willyoupresentlytakemycloak——andnewgreycloakfrombehindthedoor—
—andgooutwithit。Youwillfindalittlegraveatthefootofthetallgum—tree;thewaterdripsoffthelong,pointedleaves;youmustcoveritupwiththat。\"
Shemovedrestlesslyasthoughinpain。
Gregoryassented,andtherewassilenceagain。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadeverspokenofherchild。
\"Itwassosmall,\"shesaid;\"itlivedsuchalittlewhile——onlythreehours。Theylaiditclosebyme,butIneversawit;Icouldfeelitbyme。\"Shewaited;\"itsfeetweresocold;Itooktheminmyhandtomakethemwarm,andmyhandclosedrightoverthemtheyweresolittle。\"Therewasanuneventremblinginthevoice。\"Itcreptclosetome;itwantedtodrink,itwantedtobewarm。\"Shehardenedherself——\"Ididnotloveit;
itsfatherwasnotmyprince;Ididnotcareforit;butitwassolittle。\"
Shemovedherhand。\"Theymighthavekissedit,oneofthem,beforetheyputitin。Itneverdidanyoneanyharminallitslittlelife。Theymighthavekissedit,oneofthem。\"
Gregoryfeltthatsomeonewassobbingintheroom。
Lateonintheevening,whentheshutterwasclosedandthelamplighted,andtherain—dropsbeatontheroof,hetookthecloakfrombehindthedoorandwentawaywithit。Onhiswaybackhecalledatthevillagepost—
officeandbroughtbackaletter。Inthehallhestoodreadingtheaddress。Howcouldhefailtoknowwhosehandhadwrittenit?Hadhenotlongagostudiedthosecharactersonthetornfragmentsofpaperintheoldparlour?AburningpainwasatGregory’sheart。Ifnow,nowatthelast,oneshouldcome,shouldstepinbetween!Hecarriedtheletterintothebedroomandgaveittoher。\"Bringmethelampnearer,\"shesaid。Whenshehadreaditsheaskedforherdesk。
ThenGregorysatdowninthelamp—lightontheothersideofthecurtain,andheardthepencilmoveonthepaper。Whenhelookedroundthecurtainshewaslyingonthepillowmusing。Theopenletterlayatherside;sheglancedatitwithsofteyes。Themanwiththelanguideyelidsmusthavebeenstrangelymovedbeforehishandsetdownthosewords:
\"Letmecomebacktoyou!Mydarling,letmeputmyhandroundyou,andguardyoufromalltheworld。Asmywifetheyshallnevertouchyou。I
havelearnttoloveyoumorewisely,moretenderly,thanofold;youshallhaveperfectfreedom。Lyndall,grandlittlewoman,foryourownsakebemywife!
\"Whydidyousendthatmoneybacktome?Youarecrueltome;itisnotrightlydone。\"
Sherolledthelittleredpencilsoftlybetweenherfingers,andherfacegrewverysoft。Yet:
\"Itcannotbe,\"shewrote;\"Ithankyoumuchfortheloveyouhaveshownme;butIcannotlisten。Youwillcallmemad,foolish——theworldwoulddoso;butIknowwhatIneedandthekindofpathImustwalkin。Icannotmarryyou。Iwillalwaysloveyouforthesakeofwhatlaybymethosethreehours;butthereitends。Imustknowandsee,IcannotbeboundtoonewhomIloveasIloveyou。Iamnotafraidoftheworld——Iwillfighttheworld。Oneday——perhapsitmaybefaroff——IshallfindwhatIhavewantedallmylife;somethingnobler,strongerthanI,beforewhichIcankneeldown。Youlosenothingbynothavingmenow;Iamaweak,selfish,erringwoman。OnedayIshallfindsomethingtoworship,andthenIshallbe——\"
\"Nurse,\"shesaid;\"takemydeskaway;Iamsuddenlysosleepy;Iwillwritemoretomorrow。\"Sheturnedherfacetothepillow;itwasthesuddendrowsinessofgreatweakness。Shehaddroppedasleepinamoment,andGregorymovedthedesksoftly,andthensatinthechairwatching。Hourafterhourpassed,buthehadnowishforrest,andsaton,hearingtheraincease,andthestillnightsettledowneverywhere。Ataquarter—pasttwelveherose,andtookalastlookatthebedwhereshelaysleepingsopeacefully;thenheturnedtogotohiscouch。Beforehehadreachedthedoorshehadstartedupandwascallinghimback。
\"Youaresureyouhaveputitup?\"shesaid,withalookofblankterroratthewindow。\"Itwillnotfallopeninthenight,theshutter——youaresure?\"
Hecomfortedher。Yes,itwastightlyfastened。
\"Evenifitisshut,\"shesaid,inawhisper,\"youcannotkeepitout!Youfeelitcominginatfouro’clock,creeping,creeping,up,up;deadlycold!\"Sheshuddered。
Hethoughtshewaswandering,andlaidherlittletremblingbodydownamongtheblankets。
\"Idreamedjustnowthatitwasnotputup,\"shesaid,lookingintohiseyes;\"anditcreptrightinandIwasalonewithit。\"
\"Whatdoyoufear?\"heasked,tenderly。
\"TheGreyDawn,\"shesaid,glancingroundatthewindow。\"Iwasneverafraidofanything,never,whenIwasalittlechild,butIhavealwaysbeenafraidofthat。Youwillnotletitcomeintome?\"
\"No,no;Iwillstaywithyou,\"hecontinued。
Butshewasgrowingcalmer。\"No,youmustgotobed。Ionlyawokewithastart;youmustbetired。Iamchildish,thatisall;\"butsheshiveredagain。
Hesatdownbesideher,aftersometimeshesaid:\"Willyounotrubmyfeet?\"
Hekneltdownatthefootofthebedandtookthetinyfootinhishand;itwasswollenandunsightlynow,butashetouchedithebentdownandcovereditwithkisses。
\"Itmakesitbetterwhenyoukissit;thankyou。Whatmakesyoualllovemeso?\"Thendreamilyshemutteredtoherself:\"Notutterlybad,notquitebad——whatmakesthemalllovemeso?\"
Kneelingthere,rubbingsoftly,withhischeekpressedagainstthelittlefoot,Gregorydroppedtosleepatlast。Howlongheknelttherehecouldnottell;butwhenhestartedupawakeshewasnotlookingathim。Theeyeswerefixedonthefarcorner,gazingwideandintent,withanunearthlylight。
Helookedroundfearfully。Whatdidsheseethere?God’sangelscometocallher?Somethingfearful?Hesawonlythepurplecurtainwiththeshadowsthatfellfromit。Softlyhewhispered,askingwhatshesawthere。
Andshesaid,inavoicestrangelyunlikeherown:\"Iseethevisionofapoor,weaksoulstrivingaftergood。Itwasnotcutshort,andintheenditlearnt,throughtearsandmuchpain,thatholinessisaninfinitecompassionforothers;thatgreatnessistotakethecommonthingsoflifeandwalktrulyamongthem;that\"——Shemovedherwhitehandandlaiditonherforehead——\"happinessisagreatloveandmuchserving。Itwasnotcutshort;anditlovedwhatithadlearnt——itloved——and——\"
Wasthatallshesawinthecorner?
Gregorytoldthelandladythenextmorningthatshehadbeenwanderingallnight。Yet,whenhecameintogiveherherbreakfast,shewassittingupagainstthepillows,lookingashehadnotseenherlookbefore。
\"Putitclosetome,\"shesaid,\"andwhenIhavehadbreakfastIamgoingtodress。\"
Shefinishedallhehadbroughthereagerly。
\"Iamsittingupquitebymyself,\"shesaid。\"Givemehismeat;\"andshefedthedogherself,cuttinghisfoodsmallforhim。Shemovedtothesideofthebed。
\"Nowbringthechairnearanddressme。Itisbeinginthisroomsolong,andlookingatthatmiserablelittlebitofsunshinethatcomesinthroughtheshutter,thatismakingmesoill。Alwaysthatlion’spaw!\"shesaid,withalookofdisgustatit。\"Comeanddressme。\"Gregorykneltonthefloorbeforeher,andtriedtodrawononestocking,butthelittleswollenfootrefusedtobecovered。
\"ItisveryfunnythatIshouldhavegrownsofatsinceIhavebeensoill,\"shesaid,peeringdowncuriously。\"Perhapsitiswantofexercise。\"
Shelookedtroubledandsaidagain,\"Perhapsitiswantofexercise。\"ShewantedGregorytosaysotoo。Butheonlyfoundalargerpair;andthentriedtoforcetheshoes,oh,sotenderly,ontoherlittlefeet。
\"There,\"shesaid,lookingdownatthemwhentheywereon,withthedelightofasmallchildoveritsfirstshoes,\"Icouldwalkfarnow。Howniceitlooks!\"
\"No,\"shesaid,seeingthesoftgownhehadpreparedforher,\"Iwillnotputthaton。Getoneofmywhitedresses——theonewiththepinkbows。I
donotevenwanttothinkIhavebeenill。Itisthinkingandthinkingofthingsthatmakesthemreal,\"shesaid。\"Whenyoudrawyourmindtogether,andresolvethatathingshallnotbe,itgiveswaybeforeyou;itisnot。
Everythingispossibleifoneisresolved,\"shesaid。Shedrewinherlittlelipstogether,andGregoryobeyedher;shewassosmallandslightnowitwaslikedressingasmalldoll。Hewouldhaveliftedherdownfromthebedwhenhehadfinished,butshepushedhimfromher,laughingverysoftly。Itwasthefirsttimeshehadlaughedinthoselong,drearymonths。
\"No,no;Icangetdownmyself,\"shesaid,slippingcautiouslyontothefloor。\"Yousee!\"Shecastadefiantglanceoftriumphwhenshestoodthere。\"Holdthecurtainuphigh,Iwanttolookatmyself。\"
Heraisedit,andstoodholdingit。Shelookedintotheglassontheoppositewall。
Suchaqueenlylittlefigureinitspinkandwhite。Suchatransparentlittleface,refinedbysufferingintoanalmostangel—likebeauty。Thefacelookedather;shelookedback,laughingsoftly。Doss,quiveringwithexcitement,ranroundher,barking。Shetookonesteptowardthedoor,balancingherselfwithoutstretchedhands。
\"Iamnearlythere,\"shesaid。
Thenshegropedblindly。
\"Oh,Icannotsee!Icannotsee!WhereamI?\"shecried。
WhenGregoryreachedhershehadfallenwithherfaceagainstthesharpfootofthewardrobeandcutherforehead。Verytenderlyheraisedthelittlecrushedheapofmuslinandribbons,andlaiditonthebed。Dossclimbedup,andsatlookingdownatit。VerysoftlyGregory’shandsdisrobedher。
\"Youwillbestrongertomorrow,andthenweshalltryagain,\"hesaid,butsheneitherlookedathimnorstirred。
Whenhehadundressedher,andlaidherinbed,Dossstretchedhimselfacrossherfeetandlaywhiningsoftly。
Soshelayallthatmorning,andallthatafternoon。
AgainandagainGregorycreptclosetothebedsideandlookedather;butshedidnotspeaktohim。Wasitstupororwasitsleepthatshoneunderthosehalf—closedeyelids。Gregorycouldnottell。
Atlastintheeveninghebentoverher。
\"Theoxenhavecome,\"hesaid;\"wecanstarttomorrowifyoulike。ShallI
getthewagonreadytonight?\"
Twiceherepeatedhisquestion。Thenshelookedupathim,andGregorysawthatallhopehaddiedoutofthebeautifuleyes。Itwasnotstuporthatshonethere,itwasdespair。
\"Yes,letusgo,\"shesaid。
\"Itmakesnodifference,\"saidthedoctor;\"stayingorgoing;itisclosenow。\"
SothenextdayGregorycarriedheroutinhisarmstothewagonwhichstoodinspannedbeforethedoor。Ashelaidherdownonthekartelshelookedfaroutacrosstheplain。Forthefirsttimeshespokethatday。
\"Thatbluemountain,faraway;letusstopwhenwegettoit,notbefore。\"
Sheclosedhereyesagain。Hedrewthesailsdownbeforeandbehind,andthewagonrolledawayslowly。Thelandladyandtheniggersstoodtowatchitfromthestoep。
Verysilentlythegreatwagonrolledalongthegrass—coveredplain。Thedriveronthefrontboxdidnotclaphiswhiporcalltohisoxen,andGregorysatbesidehimwithfoldedarms。Behindthem,intheclosedwagon,shelaywiththedogatherfeet,veryquiet,withfoldedhands。He,Gregory,darednotbeinthere。LikeHagar,whenshelaidhertreasuredowninthewilderness,hesatafaroff:——\"ForHagarsaid,Letmenotseethedeathofthechild。\"
Eveningcame,andyetthebluemountainwasnotreached,andallthenextdaytheyrodeonslowly,butstillitwasfaroff。Onlyateveningtheyreachedit;notbluenow,butlowandbrown,coveredwithlongwavinggrassesandroughstones。Theydrewthewagonupclosetoitsfootforthenight。Itwasasheltered,warmspot。
Whenthedarknighthadcome,whenthetiredoxenweretiedtothewheels,andthedriverandleaderhadrolledthemselvesintheirblanketsbeforethefire,andgonetosleep,thenGregoryfasteneddownthesailsofthewagonsecurely。Hefixedalongcandleneartheheadofthebed,andlaydownhimselfonthefloorofthewagonneartheback。Heleanedhisheadagainstthekartel,andlistenedtothechewingofthetiredoxen,andtothecracklingofthefire,till,overpoweredbyweariness,hefellintoaheavysleep。Thenallwasverystillinthewagon。Thedogsleptonhismistress’feet,andonlytwomosquitoes,creepinginthroughagapinthefrontsail,buzzeddrearilyround。
Thenightwasgrownveryoldwhenfromalong,peacefulsleepLyndallawoke。Thecandleburntatherhead,thedoglayonherfeet;butheshivered;itseemedasthoughacoldnessstruckuptohimfromhisresting—
place。Shelaywithfoldedhands,lookingupward;andsheheardtheoxenchewing,andshesawthetwomosquitoesbuzzingdrearilyroundandround,andherthoughts——herthoughtsranfarbackintothepast。
Throughthesemonthsofanguishamisthadrestedonhermind;itwasrolledtogethernow,andtheoldclearintellectawokefromitslongtorpor。Itlookedbackintothepast,itsawthepresent;therewasnofuturenow。Theoldstrongsoulgathereditselftogetherforthelasttime;itknewwhereitstood。
Slowlyraisingherselfonherelbow,shetookfromthesailaglassthathungpinnedthere。Herfingerswerestiffandcold。Sheputthepillowonherbreast,andstoodtheglassagainstit。Thenthewhitefaceonthepillowlookedintothewhitefaceintheglass。Theyhadlookedateachotheroftensobefore。Ithadbeenachild’sfaceonce,lookingoutaboveitsbluepinafore;ithadbeenawoman’sface,withadimshadowintheeyes,andasomethingwhichhadsaid,\"Wearenotafraid,youandI;wearetogether;wewillfight,youandI。\"Nowtonightithadcometothis。
Thedyingeyesonthepillowlookedintothedyingeyesintheglass;theyknewthattheirhourhadcome。Sheraisedonehandandpressedthestifffingersagainsttheglass。Theyweregrowingverystiff。Shetriedtospeaktoit,butshewouldneverspeakagain。Onlythewonderfulyearninglightwasintheeyesstill。Thebodywasdeadnow,butthesoul,clearandunclouded,lookedforth。
Thenslowly,withoutasound,thebeautifuleyesclosed。Thedeadfacethattheglassreflectedwasathingofmarvelousbeautyandtranquillity。
TheGreyDawncreptinoveritandsawitlyingthere。
Hadshefoundwhatshesoughtfor——somethingtoworship?Hadsheceasedfrombeing?Whoshalltellus?ThereisaveilofterriblemistoverthefaceoftheHereafter。
Chapter2。XIII。Dreams。
\"Tellmewhatasouldesires,andIwilltellyouwhatitis。\"Sorunsthephrase。
\"Tellmewhatamandreams,andIwilltellyouwhatheloves。\"Thatalsohasitstruth。
For,everfromtheearliestchildhoodtothelatestage,daybyday,andstepbystep,thebusywakinglifeisfollowedandreflectedbythelifeofdreams——wakingdreams,sleepingdreams。Weird,misty,anddistortedastheinvertedimageofamirage,orafigureseenthroughthemountainmist,theyarestillthereflectionsofareality。
OnthenightwhenGregorytoldhisstoryWaldosatalonebeforethefire,hisuntastedsupperbeforehim。Hewaswearyafterhisday’swork——toowearytoeat。HeputtheplatedownonthefloorforDoss,wholickeditclean,andthenwentbacktohiscorner。Afteratimethemasterthrewhimselfacrossthefootofthebedwithoutundressing,andfellasleepthere。Hesleptsolongthatthecandleburntitselfout,andtheroomwasindarkness。Buthedreamedalovelydreamashelaythere。
Inhisdream,tohisrightrosehighmountains,theirtopscrownedwithsnow,theirsidesclothedwithbushandbathedinthesunshine。Attheirfeetwasthesea,blueandbreezy,bluerthananyearthlysea,liketheseahehaddreamedofinhisboyhood。Inthenarrowforestthatranbetweenthemountainsandtheseatheairwasrichthatthescentofthehoney—
creeperthathungfromdarkgreenbushes,andthroughthevelvetygrasslittlestreamsranpurlingdownintothesea。
Hesatonahighsquarerockamongthebushes,andLyndallsatbyhimandsangtohim。Shewasonlyasmallchild,withabluepinafore,andagrave,grave,littleface。Hewaslookingupatthemountains,thensuddenlywhenhelookedroundshewasgone。Heslippeddownfromhisrock,andwenttolookforher,buthefoundonlyherlittlefootmarks;hefoundthemonthebrightgreengrass,andinthemoistsand,andtherewherethelittlestreamsranpurlingdownintothesea。Inandout,inandout,andamongthebusheswherethehoney—creeperhung,hewentlookingforher。Atlast,faroff,inthesunshine,hesawhergatheringshellsuponthesand。
Shewasnotachildnow,butawoman,andthesunshoneonhersoftbrownhair,andinherwhitedresssheputtheshellsshegathered。Shewasstooping,butwhensheheardhisstepshestoodup,holdingherskirtcloseabouther,andwaitedforhiscoming。Onehandsheputinhis,andtogethertheywalkedonovertheglitteringsandandpinksea—shells;andtheyheardtheleavestalking,andtheyheardthewatersbabblingontheirwaytothesea,andtheyheardtheseasingingtoitself,singing,singing。
Atlasttheycametoaplacewherewasalongreachofpurewhitesand;
thereshestoodstill,anddroppedontothesandonebyonetheshellsthatshehadgathered。Thenshelookedupintohisfacewithherbeautifuleyes。Shesaidnothing;butsheliftedonehandandlaiditsoftlyonhisforehead;theothershelaidonhisheart。
WithacryofsuppressedagonyWaldosprungfromthebed,flungopentheupperhalfofthedoor,andleanedout,breathingheavily。
GreatGod!itmightbeonlyadream,butthepainwasveryreal,asthoughakniferanthroughhisheart,asthoughsometreacherousmurderercreptonhiminthedark!Thestrongmandrewhisbreathlikeafrightenedwoman。
\"Onlyadream,butthepainwasveryreal,\"hemuttered,ashepressedhisrighthanduponhisbreast。Thenhefoldedhisarmsonthedoor,andstoodlookingoutintothestarlight。
Thedreamwaswithhimstill;thewomanwhowashisfriendwasnotseparatedfromhimbyyears——onlythatverynighthehadseenher。Helookedupintothenightskythatallhislifelonghadmingleditselfwithhisexistence。Therewereathousandfacesthathelovedlookingdownathim,athousandstarsintheirglory,incrowns,andcircles,andsolitarygrandeur。Tothemantheywerenotlessdearthantotheboytheyhadbeennotlessmysterious;yethelookedupatthemandshuddered;atlastturnedawayfromthemwithhorror。Suchcountlessmultitudesstretchingoutfarintospace,andyetnotinoneofthemallwasshe!Thoughhesearchedthroughthemall,tothefurthest,faintestpointoflight,nowhereshouldheeversay,\"Sheishere!\"Tomorrow’ssunwouldriseandgildtheworld’smountains,andshineintoitsthousandvalleys;itwouldsetandthestarscreepoutagain。Yearafteryear,centuryaftercentury,theoldchangesofnaturewouldgoon,dayandnight,summerandwinter,seed—timeandharvest;butinnoneofthemallwouldshehavepart!
Heshutthedoortokeepouttheirhideousshining,andbecausethedarkwasintolerablelitacandle,andpacedthelittleroom,fasterandfasteryet。Hesawbeforehimthelongagesofeternitythatwouldrollon,on,on,andneverbringher。Shewouldexistnomore。Adarkmistfilledthelittleroom。
\"Oh,littlehand!oh,littlevoice!oh,littleform!\"hecried;oh,littlesoulthatwalkedwithmine!oh,littlesoul,thatlookedsofearlesslydownintothedepths,doyouexistnomoreforever——foralltime?\"Hecriedmorebitterly:\"Itisforthishour——this——thatmenblindreason,andcrushoutthought!Forthishour——this,this——theybartertruthandknowledge,takeanylie,anycreed,soitdoesnotwhispertothemofthedeadthattheyaredead!Oh,God!foraHereafter!\"