CHAPTERLIII。
HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
AFTERtheheatofmyangerhadcooled，Imadetwodiscoveries。
Onecostmeafeetoamessenger，andtheotherexposedmetotheinsolenceofaservant。Ipaywillinglyinmypurseandmypride，whenthegainispeaceofmind。ThroughmymessengerI
ascertainedthatEunicehadneverleftthefarm。Throughmyowninquiries，answeredbythewaiterwithanimpudentgrin，IheardthatPhiliphadleftorderstohavehisroomkeptforhim。Whatmiseryourstupidhousemaidmighthavesparedme，ifshehadthoughtofputtingthatquestionwhenIsenthertothehotel！
TherestofthedaypassedinvainspeculationsonPhilip’smotiveforthissuddendeparture。Whatpoorweakcreaturesweare！Ipersuadedmyselftohopethatanxietyforourmarriagehadurgedhimtomakeanefforttotouchtheheartofhismeanfather。ShallIseehimto—morrow？AndshallIhavereasontobefonderofhimthanever？
Wemetagainto—dayasusual。Hehasbehavedinfamously。
WhenIaskedwhathadbeenhisobjectingoingtoLondon，Iwastoldthatitwas\"amatterofbusiness。\"HemadethatidioticexcuseascoollyasifhereallythoughtIshouldbelieveit。I
submittedinsilence，ratherthanmarhisreturntomebythedisasterofaquarrel。Butthiswasanunluckyday。Ahardertrialofmyself—controlwasstilltocome。Withouttheslightestappearanceofshame，PhilipinformedmethathewaschargedwithamessagefromMrs。Tenbruggen！ShewantedsomeIrishlace，andwouldIbesogoodastotellherwhichwasthebestshopatwhichshecouldbuyit？
Washereallyinearnest？\"You，\"Isaid，\"whodistrustedanddetestedher——youareonfriendlytermswiththatwoman？\"
Heremonstratedwithme。\"MydearHelena，don’tspeakinthatwayofMrs。Tenbruggen。Wehavebothbeenmistakenabouther。ThatgoodcreaturehasforgiventhebrutalmannerinwhichIspoketoher，whenshewasinattendanceonmyfather。Shewasthefirsttoproposethatweshouldshakehandsandforgetit。Mydarling，don’tletallthegoodfeelingbeononeside。Youhavenoideahowkindlyshespeaksofyou，andhowanxioussheistohelpustobemarried。Come！come！meetherhalf—way。Writedownthenameoftheshoponmycard，andIwilltakeitbacktoher。\"
Sheeramazementkeptmesilent：Ilethimgoon。HewasamerechildinthehandsofMrs。Tenbruggen：shehadonlytodeterminetomakeafoolofhim，andshecoulddoit。
Butwhydidshedoit？Whatadvantagehadshetogainbyinsinuatingherselfinthiswayintohisgoodopinion，evidentlywiththeintentionofurginghimtoreconcileustoeachother？HowcouldwetwopooryoungpeoplebeofthesmallestusetothefashionableMasseuse？
MysilencebegantoirritatePhilip。\"Ineverknewbeforehowobstinateyoucouldbe，\"hesaid；\"youseemtobedoingyourbest——Ican’timaginewhy——toloweryourselfinmyestimation。\"
Iheldmytongue；Iassumedmysmile。Itisallverywellformentotalkaboutthedeceitfulnessofwomen。Whatchance（Ishouldliketoasksomebodywhoknowsaboutit）dothemengiveusofmakingourliveswiththemendurable，exceptbydeceit！Igaveway，ofcourse，andwrotedowntheaddressoftheshop。
Hewassopleasedthathekissedme。Yes！themostfondlyaffectionatekissthathehadgivenme，forweekspast，wasmyrewardforsubmittingtoMrs。Tenbruggen。Sheisoldenoughtobehismother，andalmostasuglyasMissJillgall——andshehasmadeherinterestshisinterestsalready！
Onthenextday，IfullyexpectedtoreceiveavisitfromMrs。
Tenbruggen。Sheknewbetterthanthat。Ionlygotapolitelittlenote，thankingmefortheaddress，andaddinganartlessconcession：\"IearnmoremoneythanIknowwhattodowith；andI
adoreIrishlace。\"
Thenextdaycame，andstillshewascarefulnottoshowherselftooeagerforapersonalreconciliation。Asplendidnosegaywassenttome，withanotherlittlenote：\"Atribute，dearHelena，offeredbyoneofmygratefulpatients。Toobeautifulapresentforanoldwomanlikeme。Iagreewiththepoet：’Sweetstothesweet。’AcharmingthoughtofShakespeare’s，isitnot？Ishouldliketoverifythequotation。Wouldyoumindleavingthevolumeformeinthehall，ifIcallto—morrow？\"
Welldone，Mrs。Tenbruggen！Shedoesn’tventuretointrudeonMissGracedieuinthedrawing—room；sheonlywantstoverifyaquotationinthehall。Oh，goddessofHumility（ifthereissuchaperson），howbecominglyyouaredressedwhenyourmillinerisanartfuloldwoman！
Whilethisreflectionwaspassingthroughmymind，MissJillgallcamein——sawthenosegayonthetable——andinstantlypouncedonit。\"Oh，forme！forme！\"shecried。\"InoticeditthismorningonElizabeth’stable。Howverykindofher！\"Sheplungedherinquisitivenoseintothepoorflowers，andlookedupsentimentallyattheceiling。\"Theperfumeofgoodness，\"sheremarked，\"mingledwiththeperfumeofflowers！\"\"Whenyouhavequitedonewithit，\"Isaid，\"perhapsyouwillbesogoodastoreturnmynosegay？\"\"_Your_nosegay！\"sheexclaimed。\"ThereisMrs。Tenbruggen’sletter，\"Ireplied，\"ifyouwouldliketolookatit。\"Shedidlookatit。Allthebileinherbodyflewupintohereyes，andturnedthemgreen；shelookedasifshelongedtoscratchmyface。IgavetheflowersafterwardtoMaria；MissJillgall’snosehadcompletelyspoiledthem。
ItwouldhavebeentooridiculoustohaveallowedMrs。TenbruggentoconsultShakespeareinthehall。Ihadthehonorofreceivingherinmyownroom。Weaccomplishedatouchingreconciliation，andwequiteforgotShakespeare。
Shetroublesme；shedoesindeedtroubleme。
HavingsetherselfentirelyrightwithPhilip，sheisdeterminedonperformingthesamemiraclewithme。Herreformofherselfisalreadycomplete。Hervulgarhumorwaskeptunderstrictrestraint；shewasquietandwell—bred，andreadiertolistenthantotalk。Thischangewasnotpresentedabruptly。ShecontrivedtoexpressherfriendlyinterestsinPhilipandinmebyhintsdroppedhereandthere，assistedintheireffortbyanswersonmypart，intowhichIwastemptedsoskillfullythatI
onlydiscoveredthesnaresetforme，onreflection。Whatisit，Iaskagain，thatshehasinviewintakingallthistrouble？
Whereishermotiveforencouragingalove—affair，whichMissJillgallmusthavedenouncedtoherasanabominablewronginflictedonEunice？Money（eveniftherewasaprospectofsuchathing，inourcase）cannotbeherobject；itisquitetruethathersuccesssetsherabovepecuniaryanxiety。SpitefulfeelingagainstEuniceisoutofthequestion。Theyhaveonlymetonce；
andheropinionwasexpressedtomewithevidentsincerity：\"Yoursisterisanicegirl，butsheislikeothernicegirls——shedoesn’tinterestme。\"ThereisEunice’scharacter，drawnfromthelifeinfewwords。InwhatanirritatingpositiondoIfindmyselfplaced！NeverbeforehaveIfeltsointerestedintryingtolookintoaperson’ssecretmind；andneverbeforehaveIbeensocompletelybaffled。
Ihadwrittenasfarasthis，andwasonthepointofclosingmyJournal，whenathirdnotearrivedfromMrs。Tenbruggen。
Shehadbeenthinkingaboutmeatintervals（shewrote）allthroughtherestoftheday；and，kindlyasIhadreceivedher，shewasconsciousofbeingtheobjectofdoubtsonmypartwhichhervisithadfailedtoremove。Mightsheaskleavetocallonme，inthehopeofimprovingherpositioninmyestimation？Anappointmentfollowedforthenextday。
Whatcanshehavetosaytomewhichshehasnotalreadysaid？IsitanythingaboutPhilip，Iwonder？
CHAPTERLIV。
HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
ATourinterviewofthenextday，Mrs。Tenbruggen’scapacityforself—reformappearedunderanewaspect。Shedroppedallfamiliaritywithme，andshestatedtheobjectofhervisitwithoutasuperfluouswordofexplanationorapology。
Ithoughtthisaremarkableeffortforawoman；andIrecognizedthemeritofitbyleavingthelion’sshareofthetalktomyvisitor。Inthesetermssheopenedherbusinesswithme：
\"HasMr。PhilipDunboynetoldyouwhyhewenttoLondon？\"
\"Hemadeacommonplaceexcuse，\"Ianswered。\"Business，hesaid，tookhimtoLondon。Iknownomore。\"
\"Youhaveafairprospectofhappiness，MissHelena，whenyouaremarried——yourfuturehusbandisevidentlyafraidofyou。Iamnotafraidofyou；andIshallconfidetoyourprivateearsomethingwhichyouhaveaninterestinknowing。ThebusinesswhichtookyoungMr。DunboynetoLondonwastoconsultacompetentperson，onamatterconcerninghimself。Thecompetentpersonisthesagacious（nottosaysly）oldgentleman——whomweusedtocalltheGovernor。Youknowhim，Ibelieve？\"
\"Yes。ButIamatalosstoimaginewhyPhilipshouldhaveconsultedhim。\"
\"Haveyoueverheardorread，MissHelena，ofsuchathingas’anoldman’sfancy’？\"
\"IthinkIhave。\"
\"Well，theGovernorhastakenanoldman’sfancytoyoursister。
TheyappearedtounderstandeachotherperfectlywhenIwasatthefarmhouse。\"
\"Excuseme，Mrs。Tenbruggen，thatiswhatIknowalready。WhydidPhilipgototheGovernor？\"
Shesmiled。\"Ifanybodyisacquaintedwiththetruestateofyoursister’sfeelings，theGovernoristheman。IsentMr。Dunboynetoconsulthim——andthereisthereasonforit。\"
Thisopenavowalofhermotivesperplexedandoffendedme。Afterdeclaringherselftobeinterestedinmymarriage—engagementhadshechangedhermind，andresolvedonfavoringPhilip’sreturntoEunice？Whatrighthadhetoconsultanybodyaboutthestateofthatgirl’sfeelings？_My_feelingsformtheonlysubjectofinquirythatwasproperlyopentohim。IshouldhavesaidsomethingwhichImighthaveafterwardregretted，ifMrs。
Tenbruggenhadallowedmetheopportunity。Fortunatelyforbothofus，shewentonwithhernarrativeofherownproceedings。
\"PhilipDunboyneisanexcellentfellow，\"shecontinued；\"I
reallylikehim——buthehashisfaults。Hesadlywantsstrengthofpurpose；and，likeweakmeningeneral，heonlyknowshisownmindwhenaresolutefriendtakeshiminhandandguideshim。I
amhisresolutefriend。IsawhimveeringaboutbetweenyouandEunice；andIdecidedforhissake——mayIsayforyoursakealso？——onputtinganendtothatmischievousstateofindecision。
Youhavetheclaimonhim；youaretherightwifeforhim，andtheGovernorwas（asIthoughtlikelyfromwhatIhadmyselfobserved）themantomakehimseeit。Iamnotinanybody’ssecrets；itwaspureguessworkonmypart，andithassucceeded。
ThereisnomoredoubtnowaboutMissEunice’ssentiments。Thequestionissettled。\"
\"Inmyfavor？\"
\"Certainlyinyourfavor——orIshouldnothavesaidawordaboutit。\"
\"WasPhilip’svisitkindlyreceived？Ordidtheoldwretchlaughathim？\"
\"MydearMissGracedieu，theoldwretchisamanoftheworld，andnevermakesmistakesofthatsort。Beforehecouldopenhislips，hehadtosatisfyhimselfthatyourloverdeservedtobetakenintohisconfidence，onthedelicatesubjectofEunice’ssentiments。Hearrivedatafavorableconclusion。IcanrepeatPhilip’squestionsandtheGovernor’sanswersafterputtingtheyoungmanthroughastiffexaminationjustastheypassed：’MayI
inquire，sir，ifshehasspokentoyouaboutme？’’Shehasoftenspokenaboutyou。’’Didsheseemtobeangrywithme？’’Sheistoogoodandtoosweettobeangrywithyou。’’Doyouthinkshewillforgiveme？’’Shehasforgivenyou。’’Didshesaysoherself？’’Yes，ofherownfreewill。’’WhydidsherefusetoseemewhenIcalledatthefarm？’’Shehadherownreasons——goodreasons。’’Hassheregretteditsince？’’Certainlynot。’’Isitlikelythatshewouldconsent，ifIproposedareconciliation？’
’Iputthatquestiontohermyself。’’Howdidshetakeit，sir？’
’Shedeclinedtotakeit。’’Youmeanthatshedeclinedareconciliation？’’Yes。’’Areyousureshewasinearnest？’’Iampositivelysure。’Thatlastanswerseems，byyoungDunboyne’sownconfession，tohavebeenenough，andmorethanenoughforhim。Hegotuptogo——andthenanoddthinghappened。Aftergivinghimthemostunfavorableanswers，theGovernorpattedhimpaternallyontheshoulder，andencouragedhimtohope。’Beforewesaygood—by，Mr。Philip，onewordmore。IfIwasasyoungasyouare，Ishouldnotdespair。’Thereisasuddenchangeoffront！Whocanexplainit？\"
TheGovernor’smischievousresolutiontoreconcilePhilipandEuniceexplainedit，ofcourse。Withthebestintentions（perhaps）Mrs。Tenbruggenhadhelpedthatdesignbybringingthetwomentogether。\"Goon，\"Isaid；\"IampreparedtohearnextthatPhiliphaspaidanothervisittomysister，andhasbeenreceivedthistime。\"
ImustsaythisforMrs。Tenbruggen：shekepthertemperperfectly。
\"Hehasnotbeentothefarm，\"shesaid，\"buthehasdonesomethingnearlyasfoolish。Hehaswrittentoyoursister。\"
\"Andhehasreceivedafavorablereply，ofcourse？\"
Sheputherhandintothepocketofherdress。
\"Thereisyoursister’sreply，\"shesaid。
Anypersonswhohavehadacrushingburdenlifted，unexpectedlyandinstantly，fromofftheirminds，willknowwhatIfeltwhenI
readthereply。Inthemostpositivelanguage，EunicerefusedtocorrespondwithPhilip，ortospeakwithhim。Theconcludingwordsprovedthatshewasinearnest。\"YouareengagedtoHelena。
Considermeasastrangeruntilyouaremarried。Afterthattimeyouwillbemybrother—in—law，andthenImaypardonyouforwritingtome。\"
NobodywhoknowsEunicewouldhavesupposedthatshepossessedthosetwovaluablequalities——common—senseandproperpride。ItispleasanttofeelthatIcannowsendcardstomysister，whenIamMrs。PhilipDunboyne。
IreturnedthelettertoMrs。Tenbruggen，withthesincerestexpressionsofregretforhavingdoubtedher。\"Ihavebeenunworthyofyourgenerousinterestinme，\"Isaid；\"Iamalmostashamedtoofferyoumyhand。\"
Shetookmyhand，andgaveitagood，headyshake。
\"Arewefriends？\"sheasked，inthesimplestandprettiestmanner。\"Thenletusbeeasyandpleasantagain，\"shewenton。
\"WillyoucallmeElizabeth；andshallIcallyouHelena？Verywell。NowIhavegotsomethingelsetosay；anothersecretwhichmustbekeptfromPhilip（Icall_him_byhisnamenow，yousee）
forafewdaysmore。Yourhappiness，mydear，mustnotdependonhismiserlyoldfather。Hemusthavealittleincomeofhisowntomarryon。AmongthehundredsofunfortunatewretcheswhomI
haverelievedfromtortureofmindandbody，thereisagratefulminority。Small！small！buttheretheyare。Ihaveinfluenceamongpowerfulpeople；andIamtryingtomakePhilipprivatesecretarytoamemberofParliament。WhenIhavesucceeded，youshalltellhimthegoodnews。\"
WhatavilehumorImusthavebeenin，atthetime，nottohaveappreciatedthedelightfulgayetyofthisgoodcreature；Iwenttotheotherextremenow，andbehavedlikeagushingyoungmissfreshfromschool。Ikissedher。
Sheburstoutlaughing。\"Whatasacrifice！\"shecried。\"Akissforme，whichoughttohavebeenkeptforPhilip！By—the—by，doyouknowwhatIshoulddo，Helena，inyourplace？Ishouldtakeourhandsomeyoungmanawayfromthathotel！\"
\"Iwilldoanythingthatyouadvise，\"Isaid。
\"Andyouwilldowell，mychild。Inthefirstplace，thehotelistooexpensiveforPhilip’ssmallmeans。Inthesecondplace，twoofthechambermaidshaveaudaciouslypresumedtobecharminggirls；andthemen，mydear——well！well！Iwillleaveyoutofindthatoutforyourself。Inthethirdplace，youwanttohavePhilipunderyourownwing；domesticfamiliaritywillmakehimfonderofyouthanever。Keephimoutofthesortofcompanythathemeetswithinthebilliard—roomandthesmoking—room。Youhavegotasparebedhere，Iknow，andyourpoorfatherisinnoconditiontousehisauthority。MakePhiliponeofthefamily。\"
Thislastpieceofadvicestaggeredme。ImentionedtheProprieties。Mrs。TenbruggenlaughedattheProprieties。
\"MakeSelinaofsomeuse，\"shesuggested。\"Whileyouhavegot_her_inthehouse，Proprietyisrampant。WhycondemnpoorhelplessPhiliptocheaplodgings？Timeenoughtocasthimouttothefeather—bedandthefleasonthenightbeforeyourmarriage。
Besides，Ishallbeinandoutconstantly——forImeantocureyourfather。Thetongueofscandalissilentinmyawfulpresence；anatmosphereofvirtuesurroundsMammaTenbruggen。
Thinkofit。\"
CHAPTERLV。
HELENA’SDIARYRESUMED。
IDIDthinkofit。Philipcametous，andlivedinourhouse。
LetmehastentoaddthattheprotestofProprietywasdulyentered，onthedaybeforemypromisedhusbandarrived。Standinginthedoorway——nothingwouldinducehertotakeachair，oreventoentertheroom——MissJillgalldeliveredheropiniononPhilip’sapproachingvisit。Mrs。Tenbruggenreporteditinherpocket—book，asifshewasrepresentinganewspaperatapublicmeeting。Hereitis，copiedfromhernotes：
\"MissHelenaGracedieu，myfirstimpulseunderthepresentdisgustingcircumstanceswastoleavethehouse，andearnabarecrustinthecheapestgarretIcouldfindinthetown。ButmygratefulheartremembersMr。Gracedieu。MypoorafflictedcousinwasgoodtomewhenIwashelpless。Icannotforsakehimwhen_he_ishelpless。Atwhateversacrificeofmyownself—respect，I
remainunderthisroof，sodeartomefortheMinister’ssake。I
notice，miss，thatyousmile。IseemyoncedearElizabeth，thefriendwhohassobitterlydisappointedme——\"shestopped，andputherhandkerchieftohereyes，andwentonagain——\"thefriendwhohassobitterlydisappointedme，takingsatiricalnotesofwhatIsay。IamnotashamedofwhatIsay。Thevirtuewhichwillnotstretchalittle，wherethemotiveisgood，isfeeblevirtueindeed。Ishallstayinthehouse，andwitnesshorrors，andrisesuperiortothem。Good—morning，MissGracedieu。Good—morning，Elizabeth。\"Sheperformedamagnificentcurtsey，and（asMrs。
Tenbruggen’sexperienceofthestageinformedme）madeaverycreditableexit。
Aweekhaspassed，andIhavenotopenedmyDiary。
Mydayshaveglidedawayinonedeliciousflowofhappiness。
Philiphasbeendelightfullydevotedtome。Hisferventcourtship，farexceedinganysimilarattentionswhichhemayoncehavepaidtoEunice，hasshownsuchvarietyandsuchsteadfastnessofworship，thatIdespairofdescribingit。Myenjoymentofmynewlifeistobefelt——nottobecoldlyconsidered，andreducedtoanimperfectstatementinwords。
ForthefirsttimeIfeelcapable，ifthecircumstancesencouragedme，ofactsofexaltedvirtue。Forinstance，Icouldsavemycountryifmycountrywasworthit。IcoulddieamartyrtoreligionifIhadareligion。Inoneword，Iamexceedinglywellsatisfiedwithmyself。Thelittledisappointmentsoflifepassovermeharmless。IdonotevenregretthefailureofgoodMrs。Tenbruggen’seffortstofindanemploymentforPhilip，worthyofhisabilitiesandaccomplishments。ThememberofParliamenttowhomshehadappliedhaschosenasecretarypossessedofpoliticalinfluence。ThatistheexcuseputforwardinhislettertoMrs。Tenbruggen。Wretchedcorruptcreature！IfhewasworthathoughtIshouldpityhim。HehaslostPhilip’sservices。
Threedaysmorehaveslippedby。Theaspectofmyheavenonearthisbeginningtoalter。
PerhapstheauthorofthatwonderfulFrenchnovel，\"L’AmeDamne’e，\"isrightwhenhetellsusthathumanhappinessismiseryinmasquerade。ItwouldbewrongtosaythatIammiserable。ButImaybeonthewaytoit；Iamanxious。
To—day，whenhedidnotknowthatIwasobservinghim，I
discoveredapreoccupiedlookinPhilip’seyes。HelaughedwhenI
askedifanythinghadhappenedtovexhim。Wasitanaturallaugh？Heputhisarmroundmeandkissedme。Wasitdonemechanically？IdaresayIamoutofhumormyself。IthinkIhadalittleheadache。Morbid，probably。Iwon’tthinkofitanymore。
Ithasoccurredtomethismorningthathemaydislikebeingleftbyhimself，whileIamengagedinmyhouseholdaffairs。Ifthisisthecase，intenselyasIhateher，utterlyasIloathetheideaofputtingherincommandovermydomesticdominions，I
shallaskMissJillgalltotakemyplaceashousekeeper。
Iwasawayto—dayinthekitchenregionsratherlongerthanusual。WhenIhaddonewithmyworries，Philipwasnottobefound。Maria，lookingoutofoneofthebedroomwindowsinsteadofdoingherwork，hadseenMr。Dunboyneleavethehouse。ItwaspossiblethathehadchargedMissJillgallwithamessageforme。
Iaskedifshewasinherroom。No；she，too，hadgoneout。Itwasafineday，andPhiliphadnodoubttakenastroll——buthemighthavewaitedtillIcouldjoinhim。Thereweresomeorderstobegiventothebutcherandthegreen—grocer。I，too，leftthehouse，hopingtogetridofsomelittlediscontent，causedbythinkingofwhathadhappened。ReturningbythewayofHighStreet——IdeclareIcanhardlybelieveitevennow——IdidpositivelyseeMissJillgallcomingoutofapawnbroker’sshop！
Thedirectioninwhichsheturnedpreventedherfromseeingme。
ShewasquiteunawarethatIhaddiscoveredher；andIhavesaidnothingaboutitsince。ButInoticedsomethingunusualinthemannerinwhichherwatch—chainwashanging，andIaskedherwhato’clockitwas。Shesaid，\"Youhavegotyourownwatch。\"Itoldhermywatchhadstopped。\"Sohasmine，\"shesaid。Thereisnodoubtaboutitnow；shehaspawnedherwatch。Whatfor？Shelivesherefornothing，andshehasnothadanewdresssinceIhaveknownher。Whydoesshewantmoney？
PhiliphadnotreturnedwhenIgothome。AnothermysteriousjourneytoLondon？No。Afteranabsenceofmorethantwohours，hecameback。
Naturallyenough，Iaskedwhathehadbeenabout。Hehadbeentakingalongwalk。Forhishealth’ssake？No：tothink。Tothinkofwhat？Well，Imightbesurprisedtohearit，buthisidlelifewasbeginningtoweighonhisspirits；hewantedemployment。Hadhethoughtofanemployment？Notyet。Whichwayhadhewalked？
Anyway：hehadnotnoticedwherehewent。Thesereplieswereallmadeinatonethatoffendedme。Besides，Iobservedtherewasnodustonhisboots（afteraweekofdryweather），andhiswalkoftwohoursdidnotappeartohaveheatedortiredhim。ItookanopportunityofconsultingMrs。Tenbruggen。
ShehadanticipatedthatIshouldappealtoheropinion，asawomanoftheworld。
Ishallnotsetdownindetailwhatshesaid。Someofithumiliatedme；andfromsomeofitIrecoiled。Theexpressionofheropinioncametothis。Intheabsenceofexperience，acertainfervoroftemperamentwasessentialtosuccessintheartoffascinatingmen。Eithermytemperamentwasdeficient，ormyintellectoverpoweredit。ItwasnaturalthatIshouldsupposemyselftobeassusceptibletothetenderpassionasthemostexcitablewomanliving。Delusion，myHelena，amiabledelusion！
HadIeverobservedorhadanyfriendtoldmethatmyprettyhandswerecoldhands？Ihadbeautifuleyes，expressiveofvivacity，ofintelligence，ofeveryfemininecharm，excepttheoneinvitingcharmthatfindsfavorintheeyesofaman。Shethenenteredintoparticulars，whichIdon’tdenyshowedatrueinterestinhelpingme。Iwasungrateful，sulky，self—opinionated。Datingfromthatday’stalkwithMrs。
Tenbruggen，mynewfriendshipbegantoshowsignsofhavingcaughtachill。
ButIdidmybesttofollowherinstructions——andfailed。
Itisperhapstruethatmytemperamentisoverpoweredbymyintellect。Oritispossiblytruerstillthatthefireinmyheart，whenitwarmstolove，isafirethatburnslow。MybeliefisthatIsurprisedPhilipinsteadofcharminghim。Herespondedtomyadvances，butIfeltthatitwasnotdoneinearnest，notspontaneously。HadIanyrighttocomplain？WasIinearnest？WasIspontaneous？Weweremakinglovetoeachotherunderfalsepretenses。Oh，whatafoolIwastoaskforMrs。Tenbruggen’sadvice！
Ahumiliatingdoubthascometomesuddenly。HashisheartbeenincliningtoEuniceagain？Aftersuchaletterasshehaswrittentohim？Impossible！
Threeeventssinceyesterday，whichIconsider，triflingastheymaybe，intimationsofsomethingwrong。
First，MissJillgall，whoatonetimewaseagertotakemyplace，hasrefusedtorelievemeofmyhousekeepingduties。Secondly，Philiphasbeenabsentagain，onanotherlongwalk。Thirdly，whenPhilipreturned，depressedandsulky，IcaughtMissJillgalllookingathimwithinterestandpityvisibleinherskinnyface。
Whatdothesethingsmean？
Iambeginningtodoubteverybody。Notoneofthem，Philipincluded，caresforme——butIcanfrightenthem，atanyrate。
Yesterdayevening，IdroppedonthefloorassuddenlyasifIhadbeenshot：afitofsomesort。Thedoctorhonestlydeclaredthathewasatalosstoaccountforit。Hewouldhavelaidmeunderaneternalobligationifhehadfailedtobringmebacktolifeagain。
Asitis，Iammorecleverthanthedoctor。Whatbroughtthefitoniswellknowntome。Rage——furious，overpowering，deadlyrage——wasthecause。Iamnowinthecold—bloodedstate，whichcanlookbackattheeventascomposedlyasifithadhappenedtosomeothergirl。Supposethatgirlhadlethersweetheartknowhowshelovedhimasshehadneverlethimknowitbefore。
Supposesheopenedthedooragaintheinstantaftershehadlefttheroom，eager，poorwretch，tosayoncemore，forthefiftiethtime，\"Myangel，Iloveyou！\"Supposeshefoundherangelstandingwithhisbacktowardher，sothathisfacewasreflectedintheglass。Andsupposeshediscoveredinthatface，sosmilingandsosweetwhenhisheadhadrestedonherbosomonlythemomentbefore，themosthideousexpressionofdisgustthatfeaturescanbetray。Therecouldbenodoubtofit；Ihadmademypoorofferingoflovetoamanwhosecretlyloathedme。IwonderthatIsurvivedmysenseofmyowndegradation。Well！Iamalive；