\"Rips，madam，\"saidhe；\"mererips。WesoldthematStourbridgefair，andgotbutthirteenguineasforthetwo。\"
\"And——and——theCount，Max；whereishe，Brock？\"sighedshe。
\"Whew！\"whistledMr。Brock。\"What，hankeringafterhimstill？Mydear，heisofftoFlanderswithhisregiment；and，Imakenodoubt，therehavebeentwentyCountessesofGalgensteinsinceyourtime。\"
\"Idon’tbelieveanysuchthing，sir，\"saidMrs。Catherine，startingupveryangrily。
\"Ifyoudid，Isupposeyou’dlaudanumhim；wouldn’tyou？\"
\"Leavetheroom，fellow，\"saidthelady。Butsherecollectedherselfspeedilyagain；and，claspingherhands，andlookingverywretchedatBrock，attheceiling，atthefloor，atherhusband（fromwhomsheviolentlyturnedawayherhead），shebegantocrypiteously：towhichtearstheCorporalsetupagentleaccompanimentofwhistling，astheytrickledoneafteranotherdownhernose。
Idon’tthinktheyweretearsofrepentance；butofregretforthetimewhenshehadherfirstlove，andherfineclothes，andherwhitehatandbluefeather。Ofthetwo，theCorporal’swhistlewasmuchmoreinnocentthanthegirl’ssobbing：hewasarogue；butagood—naturedoldfellowwhenhishumourwasnotcrossed。Surelyournovel—writersmakeagreatmistakeindivestingtheirrascalsofallgentlehumanqualities：theyhavesuch——andtheonlysadpointtothinkofis，inallprivateconcernsoflife，abstractfeelings，anddealingswithfriends，andsoon，howdreadfullylikearascalistoanhonestman。ThemanwhomurderedtheItalianboy，sethimfirsttoplaywithhischildrenwhomheloved，andwhodoubtlessdeploredhisloss。
CHAPTERVI。ADVENTURESOFTHEAMBASSADOR，MR。MACSHANE。
Ifwehadnotbeenobligedtofollowhistoryinallrespects，itisprobablethatweshouldhaveleftoutthelastadventureofMrs。
Catherineandherhusband，attheinnatWorcester，altogether；for，intruth，verylittlecameofit，anditisnotveryromanticorstriking。Butweareboundtostickclosely，aboveall，byTHE
TRUTH——thetruth，thoughitbenotparticularlypleasanttoreadofortotell。Asanybodymayreadinthe\"NewgateCalendar，\"Mr。andMrs。HayesweretakenataninnatWorcester；wereconfinedthere；
wereswindledbypersonswhopretendedtoimpressthebridegroomformilitaryservice。Whatisonetodoafterthat？Hadwebeenwritingnovelsinsteadofauthentichistories，wemighthavecarriedthemanywhereelsewechose：andwehadagreatmindtomakeHayesphilosophisingwithBolingbroke，likeacertainDevereux；andMrs。
CatherinemaitresseentitretoMr。AlexanderPope，DoctorSacheverel，SirJohnReadetheoculist，DeanSwift，orMarshalTallard；astheverycommonestromancerwouldundersuchcircumstances。Butalasandalas！truthmustbespoken，whateverelseisinthewind；andtheexcellent\"NewgateCalendar，\"whichcontainsthebiographiesandthanatographiesofHayesandhiswife，doesnotsayawordoftheirconnectionswithanyoftheleadingliteraryormilitaryheroesofthetimeofHerMajestyQueenAnne。
The\"Calendar\"says，insomanywords，thatHayeswasobligedtosendtohisfatherinWarwickshireformoneytogethimoutofthescrape，andthattheoldgentlemancamedowntohisaid。Bythistruthmustwestick；andnotforthesakeofthemostbrilliantepisode，——no，notforabribeoftwentyextraguineaspersheet，wouldwedepartfromit。
Mr。Brock’saccountofhisadventureinLondonhasgiventhereadersomeshortnoticeofhisfriend，MrMacshane。NeitherthewitsnortheprinciplesofthatworthyEnsignwereparticularlyfirm：fordrink，poverty，andacrackontheskullatthebattleofSteenkirkhadservedtoinjuretheformer；andtheEnsignwasnotinhisbestdayspossessedofanyshareofthelatter。Hehadreally，atoneperiod，heldsucharankinthearmy，butpawnedhishalf—payfordrinkandplay；andformanyyearspasthadlived，oneofthehundredthousandmiraclesofourcity，uponnothingthatanybodyknewof，orofwhichhehimselfcouldgiveanyaccount。Whohasnotacatalogueofthesemeninhislist？whocantellwhencecomestheoccasionalcleanshirt，whosuppliesthecontinualmeansofdrunkenness，whowardsoffthedaily—impendingstarvation？Theirlifeisawonderfromdaytoday：theirbreakfastawonder；theirdinneramiracle；theirbedaninterpositionofProvidence。IfyouandI，mydearsir，wantashillingtomorrow，whowillgiveitus？
WillOURbutchersgiveusmutton—chops？willOURlaundressesclotheusincleanlinen？——notaboneorarag。Standingaswedo（mayitbeeverso）somewhatremovedfromwant，*isthereoneofuswhodoesnotshudderatthethoughtofdescendingintotheliststocombatwithit，andexpectanythingbuttobeutterlycrushedintheencounter？
*Theauthor，itmustberemembered，hashislodgingsandfoodprovidedforhimbythegovernmentofhiscountry。
Notabitofit，mydearsir。Ittakesmuchmorethanyouthinkfortostarveaman。Starvationisverylittlewhenyouareusedtoit。
SomepeopleIknoweven，wholiveonitquitecomfortably，andmaketheirdailybreadbyit。IthadbeenourfriendMacshane’ssoleprofessionformanyyears；andhedidnotfailtodrawfromitsuchalivelihoodaswassufficient，andperhapstoogood，forhim。Hemanagedtodineuponitacertainorratheruncertainnumberofdaysintheweek，tosleepsomewhere，andtogetdrunkatleastthreehundredtimesayear。Hewasknowntooneortwonoblemenwhooccasionallyhelpedhimwithafewpieces，andwhomhehelpedinturn——nevermindhow。Hehadotheracquaintanceswhomhepesteredundauntedly；andfromwhomheoccasionallyextractedadinner，oracrown，ormayhap，bymistake，agoldheadedcane，whichfounditswaytothepawnbroker’s。Whenflushofcash，hewouldappearatthecoffee—house；whenlowinfunds，thedeuceknowsintowhatmysticcavesanddensheslunkforfoodandlodging。Hewasperfectlyreadywithhissword，andwhensober，orbetterstill，averylittletipsy，wasacompletemasterofit；intheartofboastingandlyinghehadhardlyanyequals；inshoeshestoodsixfeetfiveinches；
andhereishiscompletesignalement。ItwasafactthathehadbeeninSpainasavolunteer，wherehehadshownsomegallantry，hadhadabrain—fever，andwassenthometostarveasbefore。
Mr。Macshanehad，however，likeMr。Conrad，theCorsair，onevirtueinthemidstofathousandcrimes，——hewasfaithfultohisemployerforthetimebeing：andastoryistoldofhim，whichmayormaynotbetohiscredit，viz。thatbeinghiredononeoccasionbyacertainlordtoinflictapunishmentuponaroturierwhohadcrossedhislordshipinhisamours，he，Macshane，didactuallyrefusefromthepersontobebelaboured，andwhoentreatedhisforbearance，alargersumofmoneythanthenoblemangavehimforthebeating；
whichheperformedpunctually，asboundinhonourandfriendship。
ThistalewouldtheEnsignhimselfrelate，withmuchself—satisfaction；andwhen，afterthesuddenflightfromLondon，heandBrocktooktotheirrovingoccupation，hecheerfullysubmittedtothelatterashiscommandingofficer，calledhimalwaysMajor，and，batingblundersanddrunkenness，wasperfectlytruetohisleader。Hehadanotion——and，indeed，Idon’tknowthatitwasawrongone——thathisprofessionwasnow，asbefore，strictlymilitary，andaccordingtotherulesofhonour。Robbinghecalledplunderingtheenemy；andhangingwas，inhisidea，adastardlyandcrueladvantagethatthelattertook，andthatcalledforthesternestreprisals。
TheothergentlemenconcernedwerestrangerstoMr。Brock，whofeltlittleinclinedtotrusteitherofthemuponsuchamessage，orwithsuchalargesumtobringback。Theyhad，strangetosay，asimilarmistrustontheirside；butMr。Brockluggedoutfiveguineas，whichheplacedinthelandlady’shandassecurityforhiscomrade’sreturn；andEnsignMacshane，beingmountedonpoorHayes’sownhorse，setofftovisittheparentsofthatunhappyyoungman。Itwasagallantsighttobeholdourthieves’ambassador，inafadedsky—bluesuitwithorangefacings，inapairofhugejack—bootsunconsciousofblacking，withamightybasket—hiltedswordbyhisside，andalittleshabbybeavercockedoveralargetow—periwig，rideoutfromtheinnofthe\"ThreeRooks\"onhismissiontoHayes’spaternalvillage。
ItwaseighteenmilesdistantfromWorcester；butMr。Macshaneperformedthedistanceinsafety，andinsobrietymoreover（forsuchhadbeenhisinstructions），andhadnodifficultyindiscoveringthehouseofoldHayes：towardswhich，indeed，John’shorsetrottedincontinently。Mrs。Hayes，whowasknittingatthehouse—door，wasnotalittlesurprisedattheappearanceofthewell—knowngreygelding，andofthestrangermounteduponit。
Flinginghimselfoffthesteedwithmuchagility，Mr。Macshane，assoonashisfeetreachedtheground，broughtthemrapidlytogether，inordertomakeaprofoundandelegantbowtoMrs。Hayes；andslappinghisgreasybeaveragainsthisheart，andpokinghisperiwigalmostintothenoseoftheoldlady，demandedwhetherhehadthe\"shoopramehonourofadthressingMisthrissHees？\"
Havingbeenansweredintheaffirmative，hethenproceededtoaskwhethertherewasablackguardboyinthehousewhowouldtake\"thehorsetothesteeble；\"whether\"hecouldhaveadthrinkofsmall—beerorbuthermilk，being，faith，uncommondthry；\"andwhether，finally，\"hecouldbefeevoredwithafewminutes’privateconversationwithherandMr。Hees，onamattherofconsitherableimpartance。\"AllthesepreliminariesweretobecompliedwithbeforeMr。Macshanewouldenteratallintothesubjectofhisvisit。Thehorseandmanwerecaredfor；Mr。Hayeswascalledin；
andnotalittleanxiousdidMrs。Hayesgrow，inthemeanwhile，withregardtothefateofherdarlingson。\"Whereishe？Howishe？
Ishedead？\"saidtheoldlady。\"Ohyes，I’msurehe’sdead！\"
\"Indeed，madam，andyou’remisteekenintirely：theyoungmanisperfectlywellinhealth。\"
\"Oh，praisedbeHeaven！\"
\"Butmightycastdowninsperrits。Tomisfortunes，madam，lookyou，thebestofusaresubject；andatriflingonehasfelluponyourson。\"
AndherewithMr。MacshaneproducedaletterinthehandwritingofyoungHayes，ofwhichwehavehadthegoodlucktoprocureacopy。
Itranthus：——
\"HONOREDFATHERANDMOTHER，——Thebearerofthisisakindgentleman，whohasleftmeinagreatdealoftrouble。Yesterday，atthistowne，Ifellinwithsomegentlemenofthequeene’sservas；afterdrinkingwithwhom，IacceptedherMajesty’smonytoenliste。
Repentingthereof，Ididendeavourtoescape；and，insodoing，hadthemisfortunetostrikemysuperiorofficer，wherebyImademyselfliabletoDeath，accordingtotherulesofwarr。If，however，Ipaytwentyginnys，allwillbewel。Youmustgivethesametothebarer，elsIshallbeshottwithoutfailonTewsdaymorning。Andsonomorefromyourlovingson，\"JOHNHAYES。
\"FrommyprisonatBristol，thisunhappyMonday。\"
WhenMrs。Hayesreadthispatheticmissive，itssuccesswithherwascomplete，andshewasforgoingimmediatelytothecupboard，andproducingthemoneynecessaryforherdarlingson’srelease。ButthecarpenterHayeswasmuchmoresuspicious。\"Idon’tknowyou，sir，\"saidhetotheambassador。
\"Doyoudoubtmyhonour，sir？\"saidtheEnsign，veryfiercely。
\"Why，sir，\"repliedMr。Hayes\"Iknowlittleaboutitonewayorother，butshalltakeitforgranted，ifyouwillexplainalittlemoreofthisbusiness。\"
\"Isildomcondescindtoexplean，\"saidMr。Macshane，\"forit’snotthecustominmyrank；butI’llexpleananythinginreason。\"
\"Pray，willyoutellmeinwhatregimentmysonisenlisted？\"
\"Incoorse。InColonelWood’sfut，mydear；andagallantcorpsitisasanyinthearmy。\"
\"Andyoulefthim？\"
\"Onmesoul，onlythreehoursago，havingridlikeahorse—jockeyeversince；asinthesacredcauseofhumanity，curseme，everymanshould。\"
AsHayes’shousewasseventymilesfromBristol，theoldgentlemanthoughtthiswasmarvellousquickriding，andso，cuttheconversationshort。\"Youhavesaidquiteenough，sir，\"saidhe，\"toshowmethereissomerogueryinthematter，andthatthewholestoryisfalsefrombeginningtoend。\"
AtthisabruptchargetheEnsignlookedsomewhatpuzzled，andthenspokewithmuchgravity。\"Roguery，\"saidhe，\"MisthurHees，isasthrongterm；andwhich，inconsiderationofmyfriendshipforyourfamily，Ishallpassover。Youdoubtyourson’shonour，astherewrotebyhiminblackandwhite？\"
\"Youhaveforcedhimtowrite，\"saidMr。Hayes。
\"Theslyolddivvle’sright，\"mutteredMr。Macshane，aside。\"Well，sir，tomakeacleanbreastofit，heHASbeenforcedtowriteit。
Thestoryabouttheenlistmentisaprettyfib，ifyouwill，frombeginningtoend。Andwhatthen，mydear？Doyouthinkyourson’sanybetteroffforthat？\"
\"Oh，whereishe？\"screamedMrs。Hayes，plumpingdownonherknees。
\"WeWILLgivehimthemoney，won’twe，John？\"
\"Iknowyouwill，madam，whenItellyouwhereheis。Heisinthehandsofsomegentlemenofmyacquaintance，whoareatwarwiththepresentgovernment，andnomorecareaboutcuttingaman’sthroatthantheydoachicken’s。Heisaprisoner，madam，ofourswordandspear。Ifyouchoosetoransomhim，wellandgood；ifnot，peacebewithhim！fornevermoreshallyouseehim。\"
\"AndhowdoIknowyouwon’tcomebackto—morrowformoremoney？\"
askedMr。Hayes。
\"Sir，youhavemyhonour；andI’daslievebreakmyneckasmyword，\"saidMr。Macshane，gravely。\"Twentyguineasisthebargain。
Taketenminutestotalkofit——takeitthen，orleaveit；it’sallthesametome，mydear。\"AnditmustbesaidofourfriendtheEnsign，thathemeanteverywordhesaid，andthatheconsideredtheembassyonwhichhehadcomeasperfectlyhonourableandregular。
\"Andpray，whatpreventsus，\"saidMr。Hayes，startingupinarage，\"fromtakingholdofyou，asasuretyforhim？\"
\"Youwouldn’tfireonaflagoftruce，wouldye，youdishonourableouldcivilian？\"repliedMr。Macshane。\"Besides，\"sayshe，\"there’smorereasonstopreventyou：thefirstisthis，\"pointingtohissword；\"herearetwomore\"——andthesewerepistols；\"andthelastandthebestofallis，thatyoumighthangmeanddthrawmeandquartherme，anyetneverseesomuchasthetipofyourson’snoseagain。Lookyou，sir，werunmightyrisksinourprofession——it’snotallplay，Icantellyou。We’reobligedtobepunctual，too，orit’sallupwiththethrade。IfIpromisethatyoursonwilldieassureasfateto—morrowmorning，unlessIreturnhomesafe，ourpeopleMUSTkeepmypromise；orelsewhatchanceisthereforme？
Youwouldbedownuponmeinamomentwithaposseofconstables，andhavemeswingingbeforeWarwickgaol。Pooh，mydear！youneverwouldsacrificeadarlingboylikeJohnHayes，letalonehislady，forthesakeofmylongcarcass。Oneortwoofourgentlemenhavebeentakenthatwayalready，becauseparentsandguardianswouldnotbelievethem。\"
\"ANDWHATBECAMEOFTHEPOORCHILDREN？\"saidMrs。Hayes，whobegantoperceivethegistoftheargument，andtogrowdreadfullyfrightened。
\"Don’tlet’stalkofthem，ma’am：humanityshudthersatthethought！\"AndherewithMr。Macshanedrewhisfingeracrosshisthroatinsuchadreadfulwayastomakethetwoparentstremble。
\"It’sthewayofwar，madam，lookyou。TheserviceIhavethehonourtobelongtoisnotpaidbytheQueen；andsowe’reobligedtomakeourprisonerspay，accordingtoestablishedmilitarypractice。\"
NolawyercouldhavearguedhiscasebetterthanMr。Macshanesofar；andhecompletelysucceededinconvincingMr。andMrs。Hayesofthenecessityofransomingtheirson。Promisingthattheyoungmanshouldberestoredtothemnextmorning，alongwithhisbeautifullady，hecourteouslytookleaveoftheoldcouple，andmadethebestofhiswaybacktoWorcesteragain。TheelderHayeswonderedwhotheladycouldbeofwhomtheambassadorhadspoken，fortheirson’selopementwasaltogetherunknowntothem；butangerordoubtaboutthissubjectwasoverwhelmedbytheirfearsfortheirdarlingJohn’ssafety。AwayrodethegallantMacshanewiththemoneynecessarytoeffectthis；anditmustbementioned，ashighlytohiscredit，thatheneveroncethoughtofappropriatingthesumtohimself，orofdesertinghiscomradesinanyway。
HisridefromWorcesterhadbeenalongone。Hehadleftthatcityatnoon，butbeforehisreturnthitherthesunhadgonedown；andthelandscape，whichhadbeendressedlikeaprodigal，inpurpleandgold，nowappearedlikeaQuaker，induskygrey；andthetreesbytheroad—sidegrewblackasundertakersorphysicians，and，bendingtheirsolemnheadstoeachother，whisperedominouslyamongthemselves；andthemistshungonthecommon；andthecottagelightswentoutonebyone；andtheearthandheavengrewblack，butforsometwinklinguselessstars，whichfreckledtheeboncountenanceofthelatter；andtheairgrewcolder；andabouttwoo’clockthemoonappeared，adismalpale—facedrake，walkingsolitarythroughthedesertedsky；andaboutfour，mayhap，theDawn（wretched’prentice—boy！）openedintheeasttheshuttersoftheDay：——inotherwords，morethanadozenhourshadpassed。CorporalBrockhadbeenrelievedbyMr。Redcap，thelatterbyMr。Sicklop，theone—eyedgentleman；Mrs。JohnHayes，inspiteofhersorrowsandbashfulness，hadfollowedtheexampleofherhusband，andfallenasleepbyhisside——sleptformanyhours——andawakenedstillundertheguardianshipofMr。Brock’stroop；andallpartiesbegananxiouslytoexpectthereturnoftheambassador，Mr。Macshane。
Thatofficer，whohadperformedthefirstpartofhisjourneywithsuchdistinguishedprudenceandsuccess，foundthenight，onhisjourneyhomewards，wasgrowingmightycoldanddark；andashewasthirstyandhungry，hadmoneyinhispurse，andsawnocausetohurry，hedeterminedtotakerefugeatanalehouseforthenight，andtomakeforWorcesterbydawnthenextmorning。Heaccordinglyalightedatthefirstinnonhisroad，consignedhishorsetothestable，and，enteringthekitchen，calledforthebestliquorinthehouse。
Asmallcompanywasassembledattheinn，amongwhomMr。Macshanetookhisplacewithagreatdealofdignity；and，havingaconsiderablesumofmoneyinhispocket，feltamightycontemptforhissociety，andsoonletthemknowthecontempthefeltforthem。
Afterathirdflagonofale，hediscoveredthattheliquorwassour，andemptied，withmuchsplutteringandgrimaces，theremainderofthebeerintothefire。Thisprocesssooffendedtheparsonoftheparish（whointhosegoodoldtimesdidnotdisdaintotakethepostofhonourinthechimney—nook），thathelefthiscorner，lookingwrathfullyattheoffender；whowithoutanymoreadoinstantlyoccupiedit。Itwasafinethingtohearthejinglingofthetwentypiecesinhispocket，theoathswhichhedistributedbetweenthelandlord，theguests，andtheliquor——toremarkthesprawlofhismightyjack—boots，beforethesweepofwhichthetimidguestsedgedfartherandfartheraway；andthelanguishingleerswhichhecastonthelandlady，aswithwide—spreadarmsheattemptedtoseizeuponher。
Whentheostlerhaddonehisdutiesinthestable，heenteredtheinn，andwhisperedthelandlordthat\"thestrangerwasridingJohnHayes’shorse：\"ofwhichfactthehostsoonconvincedhimself，anddidnotfailtohavesomesuspicionsofhisguest。Hadhenotthoughtthattimeswereunquiet，horsesmightbesold，andoneman’smoneywasasgoodasanother’s，heprobablywouldhavearrestedtheEnsignimmediately，andsolostalltheprofitofthescorewhichthelatterwascausingeverymomenttobeenlarged。
Inacoupleofhours，withthathappyfacilitywhichonemayhaveoftenremarkedinmenofthegallantEnsign’snation，hehadmanagedtodisgusteveryoneofthelandlord’sotherguests，andscarethemfromthekitchen。Frightenedbyhisaddresses，thelandladytoohadtakenflight；andthehostwastheonlypersonleftintheapartment；whotherestayedforinterest’ssakemerely，andlistenedmoodilytohistipsyguest’sconversation。Inanhourmore，thewholehousewasawakenedbyaviolentnoiseofhowling，curses，andpotsclatteringtoandfro。ForthissuedMrs。Landladyinhernight—gear，outcameJohnOstlerwithhispitchfork，downstairstumbledMrs。Cookandoneortwoguests，andfoundthelandlordandensignonthekitchen—floor——thewigofthelatterlying，muchsingedandemittingstrangeodours，inthefireplace，hisfacehideouslydistorted，andagreatquantityofhisnaturalhairinthepartialoccupationofthelandlord；whohaddrawnitandtheheaddowntowardshim，inorderthathemighthavethebenefitofpummellingthelattermoreathisease。Inrevenge，thelandlordwasundermost，andtheEnsign’sarmswereworkingupanddownhisfaceandbodyliketheflapsofapaddle—wheel：themanofwarhadclearlythebestofit。
Thecombatantswereseparatedassoonaspossible；but，assoonastheexcitementofthefightwasover，EnsignMacshanewasfoundtohavenofurtherpowersofspeech，sense，orlocomotion，andwascarriedbyhislateantagonisttobed。Hisswordandpistols，whichhadbeenplacedathissideatthecommencementoftheevening，werecarefullyputby，andhispocketvisited。Twentyguineasingold，alargeknife——used，probably，forthecuttingofbread—and—cheese——somecrumbsofthosedelicaciesandapaperoftobaccofoundinthebreeches—pockets，andinthebosomofthesky—bluecoat，thelegofacoldfowlandhalfofarawonion，constitutedhiswholeproperty。
Thesearticleswerenotverysuspicious；butthebeatingwhichthelandlordhadreceivedtendedgreatlytoconfirmhisownandhiswife’sdoubtsabouttheirguest；anditwasdeterminedtosendoffintheearlymorningtoMr。Hayes，informinghimhowapersonhadlainattheirinnwhohadriddenthithermounteduponyoungHayes’shorse。OffsetJohnOstleratearliestdawn；butonhiswayhewokeupMr。Justice’sclerk，andcommunicatedhissuspicionstohim；andMr。Clerkconsultedwiththevillagebaker，whowasalwaysupearly；
andtheclerk，thebaker，thebutcherwithhiscleaver，andtwogentlemenwhoweregoingtowork，alladjournedtotheinn。
Accordingly，whenEnsignMacshanewasinatruckle—bed，plungedinthatdeepslumberwhichonlyinnocenceanddrunkennessenjoyinthisworld，andcharmingtheearsofmornbytheregularandmelodiousmusicofhisnose，avileplotwaslaidagainsthim；andwhenaboutsevenoftheclockhewoke，hefound，onsittingupinhisbed，threegentlemenoneachsideofit，armed，andlookingominous。Oneheldaconstable’sstaff，andalbeitunprovidedwithawarrant，wouldtakeuponhimselftheresponsibilityofseizingMr。Macshaneandofcarryinghimbeforehisworshipatthehall。
\"Taranouns，man！\"saidtheEnsign，springingupinbed，andabruptlybreakingoffaloudsonorousyawn，withwhichhehadopenedthebusinessoftheday，\"youwon’tdeteenagentlemanwho’sonlifeanddeath？Igiveyemyword，anaffairofhonour。\"
\"Howcameyoubythattherehorse？\"saidthebaker。
\"Howcameyoubytheseherefifteenguineas？\"saidthelandlord，inwhosehands，bysomeprocess，fiveofthegoldpieceshaddisappeared。
\"Whatisthishereidolatrousstringofbeads？\"saidtheclerk。
Mr。Macshane，thefactis，wasaCatholic，butdidnotcaretoownit：forinthosedayshisreligionwasnotpopular。
\"Baids？HolyMotherofsaints！givemebackthembaids，\"saidMr。
Macshane，claspinghishands。\"Theywereblest，Itellyou，byhisholinessthepo——psha！ImanetheybelongtoadarlinglittledaughterIhadthat’sinheavennow：andasforthemoneyandthehorse，Ishouldliketoknowhowagentlemanistotravelinthiscounthrywithoutthem。\"
\"Why，yousee，hemaytravelinthecountrytoGIT’em，\"hereshrewdlyremarkedtheconstable；\"andit’sourbeliefthatneitherhorsenormoneyishonestlycomeby。Ifhisworshipissatisfied，whyso，incourse，shallwebe；butthereishighwaymenabroad，lookyou；and，toournotion，youhaveverymuchthecutofone。\"
FurtherremonstrancesorthreatsonthepartofMr。Macshanewereuseless。AlthoughhevowedthathewasfirstcousintotheDukeofLeinster，anofficerinHerMajesty’sservice，andthedearestfriendLordMarlboroughhad，hisimpudentcaptorswouldnotbelieveawordofhisstatement（which，further，wasgarnishedwithatremendousnumberofoaths）；andhewas，abouteighto’clock，carrieduptothehouseofSquireBallance，theneighbouringjusticeofthepeace。
Whentheworthymagistrateaskedthecrimeofwhichtheprisonerhadbeenguilty，thecaptorslookedsomewhatpuzzledforthemoment；
since，intruth，itcouldnotbeshownthattheEnsignhadcommittedanycrimeatall；andifhehadconfinedhimselftosimplesilence，andthrownuponthemtheonusofprovinghismisdemeanours，JusticeBallancemusthavelethimloose，andsoundlyratedhisclerkandthelandlordfordetaininganhonestgentlemanonsofrivolousacharge。
ButthiscautionwasnotintheEnsign’sdisposition；andthoughhisaccusersproducednosatisfactorychargeagainsthim，hisownwordswerequiteenoughtoshowhowsuspicioushischaracterwas。Whenaskedhisname，hegaveitinasCaptainGeraldine，onhiswaytoIreland，byBristol，onavisittohiscousintheDukeofLeinster。
Hesworesolemnlythathisfriends，theDukeofMarlboroughandLordPeterborough，underbothofwhomhehadserved，shouldhearofthemannerinwhichhehadbeentreated；andwhenthejustice，——aslyoldgentleman，andonethatreadtheGazettes，askedhimatwhatbattleshehadbeenpresent，thegallantEnsignpitchedonacoupleinSpainandinFlanders，whichhadbeenfoughtwithinaweekofeachother，andvowedthathehadbeendesperatelywoundedatboth；
sothat，attheendofhisexamination，whichhadbeentakendownbytheclerk，hehadbeenmadetoacknowledgeasfollows：——CaptainGeraldine，sixfeetfourinchesinheight；thin，withaverylongrednose，andredhair；greyeyes，andspeakswithastrongIrishaccent；isthefirst—cousinoftheDukeofLeinster，andinconstantcommunicationwithhim：doesnotknowwhetherhisGracehasanychildren；doesnotknowwhereaboutshelivesinLondon；cannotsaywhatsortofalookingmanhisGraceis：isacquaintedwiththeDukeofMarlborough，andservedinthedragoonsatthebattleofRamillies；atwhichtimehewaswithmyLordPeterboroughbeforeBarcelona。BorrowedthehorsewhichheridesfromafriendinLondon，threeweekssince。PeterHobbs，ostler，swearsthatitwasinhismaster’sstablefourdaysago，andisthepropertyofJohnHayes，carpenter。Cannotaccountforthefifteenguineasfoundonhimbythelandlord；saysthereweretwenty；sayshewonthematcards，afortnightsince，atEdinburgh；saysheisridingaboutthecountryforhisamusement：afterwardssaysheisonamatteroflifeanddeath，andgoingtoBristol；declaredlastnight，inthehearingofseveralwitnesses，thathewasgoingtoYork；saysheisamanofindependentproperty，andhaslargeestatesinIreland，andahundredthousandpoundsintheBankofEngland。Hasnoshirtorstockings，andthecoathewearsismarked\"S。S。\"Inhisbootsiswritten\"ThomasRodgers，\"andinhishatisthenameofthe\"Rev。
DoctorSnoffler。\"
DoctorSnofflerlivedatWorcester，andhadlatelyadvertisedintheHueandCryanumberofarticlestakenfromhishouse。Mr。Macshanesaid，inreplytothis，thathishathadbeenchangedattheinn，andhewasreadytotakehisoaththathecamethitherinagold—lacedone。Butthisfactwasdisprovedbytheoathsofmanypersonswhohadseenhimattheinn。Andhewasabouttobeimprisonedforthetheftswhichhehadnotcommitted（thefactaboutthehatbeing，thathehadpurchaseditfromagentlemanatthe\"ThreeRooks\"fortwopintsofbeer）——hewasabouttoberemanded，when，behold，Mrs。Hayestheeldermadeherappearance；andtoheritwasthattheEnsignwasindebtedforhisfreedom。
OldHayeshadgonetoworkbeforetheostlerarrived；butwhenhiswifeheardthelad’smessage，sheinstantlycausedherpilliontobeplacedbehindthesaddle，andmountingthegreyhorse，urgedthestable—boytogallopashardaseverhecouldtothejustice’shouse。
Sheenteredpantingandalarmed。\"Oh，whatisyourhonourgoingtodotothishonestgentleman？\"saidshe。\"InthenameofHeaven，lethimgo！Histimeisprecious——hehasimportantbusiness——businessoflifeanddeath。\"
\"Itouldthejidgeso，\"saidtheEnsign，\"butherefusedtotakemyword——thesacredwurrdofhonourofCaptainGeraldine。\"
Macshanewasgoodatasinglelie，thougheasilyflusteredonanexamination；andthiswasaverycreditablestratagemtoacquaintMrs。Hayeswiththenamethathebore。
\"What！youknowCaptainGeraldine？\"saidMr。Ballance，whowasperfectlywellacquaintedwiththecarpenter’swife。
\"Incoorseshedoes。Hasn’tsheknownmethesetinyears？Arewenotrelated？Didn’tshegivemetheveryhorsewhichIrode，and，tomakebelave，touldyouI’dboughtinLondon？\"
\"Lethertellherownstory。AreyourelatedtoCaptainGeraldine，Mrs。Hayes？\"
\"Yes——oh，yes！\"
\"Averyelegantconnection！Andyougavehimthehorse，didyou，ofyourownfree—will？\"
\"Ohyes！ofmyownwill——Iwouldgivehimanything。Do，do，yourhonour，lethimgo！Hischildisdying，\"saidtheoldlady，burstingintotears。\"Itmaybedeadbeforehegetsto——beforehegetsthere。Oh，yourhonour，yourhonour，pray，pray，don’tdetainhim！\"
ThejusticedidnotseemtounderstandthisexcessivesympathyonthepartofMrs。Hayes；nordidthefatherhimselfappeartobenearlysoaffectedbyhischild’sprobablefateasthehonestwomanwhointerestedherselfforhim。Onthecontrary，whenshemadethispassionatespeech，CaptainGeraldineonlygrinned，andsaid，\"Nivermind，mydear。Ifhishonourwillkeepanhonestgentlemanfordoingnothing，why，lethim——thelawmustsettlebetweenus；andasforthechild，poorthing，theLorddeliverit！\"
Atthis，Mrs。Hayesfelltoentreatingmoreloudlythanever；andastherewasreallynochargeagainsthim，Mr。Ballancewasconstrainedtolethimgo。
Thelandlordandhisfriendsweremakingoff，ratherconfused，whenEnsignMacshanecalledupontheformerinathunderingvoicetostop，andrefundthefiveguineaswhichhehadstolenfromhim。
Againthehostsworetherewerebutfifteeninhispocket。Butwhen，ontheBible，theEnsignsolemnlyvowedthathehadtwenty，andcalleduponMrs。Hayestosaywhetheryesterday，half—an—hourbeforeheenteredtheinn，shehadnotseenhimwithtwentyguineas，andthatladyexpressedherselfreadytoswearthatshehad，Mr。
Landlordlookedmorecrestfallenthanever，andsaidthathehadnotcountedthemoneywhenhetookit；andthoughhedidinhissoulbelievethattherewereonlyfifteenguineas，ratherthanbesuspectedofashabbyaction，hewouldpaythefiveguineasoutofhisownpocket：whichhedid，andwiththeEnsign’s，orratherMrs。
Hayes’s，owncoin。
Assoonastheywereoutofthejustice’shouse，Mr。Macshane，inthefulnessofhisgratitude，couldnothelpbestowinganembraceuponMrs。Hayes。Andwhensheimploredhimtoletherridebehindhimtoherdarlingson，heyieldedwithaverygoodgrace，andoffthepairsetonJohnHayes’sgrey。
\"WhohasNoseybroughtwithhimnow？\"saidMr。Sicklop，Brock’sone—eyedconfederate，who，aboutthreehoursaftertheaboveadventure，waslollingintheyardofthe\"ThreeRooks。\"ItwasourEnsign，withthemotherofhiscaptive。Theyhadnotmetwithanyaccidentintheirride。
\"Ishallnowhavetheshoopramebliss，\"saidMr。Macshane，withmuchfeeling，asheliftedMrs。Hayesfromthesaddle———\"theshooprameblissofintwiningtwoharrtsthataremeadforoneanother。Ours，mydear，isadismalprofession；butah！don’tmomentslikethismakeamindsforyearsofpain？Thisway，mydear。Turntoyourright，thentoyourleft——mindthestip——andthethirddoorroundthecorner。\"
Alltheseprecautionswereattendedto；andaftergivinghisconcertedknock，Mr。Macshanewasadmittedintoanapartment，whichheenteredholdinghisgoldpiecesintheonehand，andaladybytheother。
Weshallnotdescribethemeetingwhichtookplacebetweenmotherandson。Theoldladyweptcopiously；theyoungmanwasreallygladtoseehisrelative，forhedeemedthathistroubleswereover。
Mrs。Catbitherlips，andstoodaside，lookingsomewhatfoolish；
Mr。Brockcountedthemoney；andMr。Macshanetookalargedoseofstrongwaters，asapleasingsolaceforhislabours，dangers，andfatigue。
Whenthematernalfeelingsweresomewhatcalmed，theoldladyhadleisuretolookabouther，andreallyfeltakindoffriendshipandgoodwillforthecompanyofthievesinwhichshefoundherself。Itseemedtoherthattheyhadconferredanactualfavouronher，inrobbingheroftwentyguineas，threateningherson’slife，andfinallylettinghimgo。
\"Whoisthatdrolloldgentleman？\"saidshe；andbeingtoldthatitwasCaptainWood，shedroppedhimacurtsey，andsaid，withmuchrespect，\"Captain，yourveryhumbleservant；\"whichcomplimentMr。
Brockacknowledgedbyagracioussmileandbow。\"Andwhoisthisprettyyounglady？\"continuedMrs。Hayes。
\"Why——hum——oh——mother，youmustgiveheryourblessing。SheisMrs。
JohnHayes。\"AndherewithMr。Hayesbroughtforwardhisinterestinglady，tointroducehertohismamma。
Thenewsdidnotatallpleasetheoldlady；whoreceivedMrs。
Catherine’sembracewithaverysourfaceindeed。However，themischiefwasdone；andshewastoogladtogetbackhersontobe，onsuchanoccasion，veryangrywithhim。So，afteraproperrebuke，shetoldMrs。JohnHayesthatthoughsheneverapprovedofherson’sattachment，andthoughthemarriedbelowhiscondition，yetastheevilwasdone，itwastheirdutytomakethebestofit；
andshe，forherpart，wouldreceiveherintoherhouse，andmakeherascomfortablethereasshecould。
\"Iwonderwhethershehasanymoremoneyinthathouse？\"whisperedMr。SickloptoMr。Redcap；who，withthelandlady，hadcometothedooroftheroom，andhadbeenamusingthemselvesbythecontemplationofthissentimentalscene。
\"WhatafoolthatwildHirishmanwasnottobleedherformore！\"
saidthelandlady；\"buthe’sapoorignorantPapist。I’msuremyman\"（thisgentlemanhadbeenhanged），\"wouldn’thavecomeawaywithsuchabeggarlysum。\"
\"Supposewehavesomemoreoutof’em？\"saidMr。Redcap。\"Whatpreventsus？Wehavegottheoldmare，andthecolttoo，——ha！ha！——
andthepairof’emoughttobeworthatleastahundredtous。\"
Thisconversationwascarriedonsottovoce；andIdon’tknowwhetherMr。Brockhadanynotionoftheplotwhichwasarrangedbythethreeworthies。Thelandladybeganit。\"Whichpunch，madam，willyoutake？\"saysshe。\"Youmusthavesomethingforthegoodofthehouse，nowyouareinit。\"
\"Incoorse，\"saidtheEnsign。
\"Certainly，\"saidtheotherthree。Buttheoldladysaidshewasanxioustoleavetheplace；andputtingdownacrown—piece，requestedthehostesstotreatthegentlemeninherabsence。
\"Good—bye，Captain，\"saidtheoldlady。
\"Ajew！\"criedtheEnsign，\"andlonglifetoyou，mydear。Yougotmeoutofascrapeatthejustice’syonder；and，splitme！butInsignMacshanewillremimberitaslongashelives。\"
AndnowHayesandthetwoladiesmadeforthedoor；butthelandladyplacedherselfagainstit，andMr。Sicklopsaid，\"No，no，myprettymadams，youain’ta—goingoffsocheapasthatneither；youarenotgoingoutforabeggarlytwentyguineas，lookyou，——wemusthavemore。\"
Mr。Hayesstartingback，andcursinghisfate，fairlyburstintotears；thetwowomenscreamed；andMr。Brocklookedasifthepropositionbothamusedandhadbeenexpectedbyhim：butnotsoEnsignMacshane。
\"Major！\"saidhe，clawingfiercelyholdofBrock’sarms。
\"Ensign，\"saidMr。Brock，smiling。
\"Arrwe，orarrwenot，menofhonour？\"
\"Oh，incoorse，\"saidBrock，laughing，andusingMacshane’sfavouriteexpression。
\"IfweARRmenofhonour，weareboundtosticktoourword；and，harkye，youdirtyone—eyedscoundrel，ifyoudon’timmadiatelymakewayfortheseleedies，andthislily—liveredyoungjontlemanwho’scryingso，theMeejorhereandIwilllugoutandforceyou。\"Andsosaying，hedrewhisgreatswordandmadeapassatMr。Sicklop；
whichthatgentlemanavoided，andwhichcausedhimandhiscompaniontoretreatfromthedoor。Thelandladystillkeptherpositionatit，andwithastormofoathsagainsttheEnsign，andagainsttwoEnglishmenwhoranawayfromawildHirishman，sworeshewouldnotbudgeafoot，andwouldstandthereuntilherdyingday。
\"Faith，then，needsmust，\"saidtheEnsign，andmadealungeatthehostess，whichpassedsonearthewretch’sthroat，thatshescreamed，sankonherknees，andatlastopenedthedoor。
Downthestairs，then，withgreatstate，Mr。Macshaneledtheelderlady，themarriedcouplefollowing；andhavingseenthemtothestreet，tookanaffectionatefarewelloftheparty，whomhevowedthathewouldcomeandsee。\"Youcanwalktheeighteenmilesaisy，betweenthisandnightfall，\"saidhe。
\"WALK！\"exclaimedMr。Hayes。\"Why，haven’twegotBall，andshallrideandtiealltheway？\"
\"Madam！\"criedMacshane，inasternvoice，\"honourbeforeeverything。Didyounot，inthepresenceofhisworship，vowanddeclarethatyougavemethathorse，andnowd’yetalkoftakingitbackagain？Letmetellyou，madam，thatsuchpaltrythricksillbecomeapersonofyouryearsandrespectability，andoughtnevertobeplayedwithInsignTimothyMacshane。\"
Hewavedhishatandstrutteddownthestreet；andMrs。CatherineHayes，alongwithherbridegroomandmother—in—law，madethebestoftheirwayhomewardonfoot。
CHAPTERVII。WHICHEMBRACESAPERIODOFSEVENYEARS。
TherecoveryofsoconsiderableaportionofhispropertyfromtheclutchesofBrockwas，asmaybeimagined，notriflingsourceofjoytothatexcellentyoungman，CountGustavusAdolphusdeGalgenstein；
andhewasoftenknowntosay，withmucharchness，andaproperfeelingofgratitudetotheFatewhichhadordainedthingsso，thattherobberywas，inreality，oneofthebestthingsthatcouldhavehappenedtohim：for，ineventofMr。Brock’sNOTstealingthemoney，hisExcellencytheCountwouldhavehadtopaythewholetotheWarwickshireSquire，whohadwonitfromhimatplay。Hewasenabled，inthepresentinstance，topleadhisnotoriouspovertyasanexcuse；andtheWarwickshireconquerorgotoffwithnothing，exceptaverybadlywrittenautographoftheCount’s，simplyacknowledgingthedebt。
ThispointhisExcellencyconcededwiththegreatestcandour；but（as，doubtless，thereadermayhaveremarkedinthecourseofhisexperience）tooweisnotquitethesamethingastopay；andfromthedayofhiswinningthemoneyuntilthedayofhisdeaththeWarwickshireSquiredidnever，byanychance，touchasinglebob，tizzy，tester，moidore，maravedi，doubloon，tomaun，orrupee，ofthesumwhichMonsieurdeGalgensteinhadlosttohim。
Thatyoungnoblemanwas，asMr。Brockhintedinthelittleautobiographicalsketchwhichwegaveinaformerchapter，incarceratedforacertainperiod，andforcertainotherdebts，inthedonjonsofShrewsbury；buthereleasedhimselffromthembythatnobleandconsolatorymethodofwhitewashingwhichthelawhasprovidedforgentlemeninhisoppressedcondition；andhehadnotbeenaweekinLondon，whenhefellinwith，andovercame，orputtoflight，CaptainWood，aliasBrock，andimmediatelyseizedupontheremainderofhisproperty。Afterreceivingthis，theCount，withcommendablediscretion，disappearedfromEnglandaltogetherforawhile；norareweatallauthorisedtostatethatanyofhisdebtstohistradesmenweredischarged，anymorethanhisdebtsofhonour，astheyarepleasantlycalled。
Havingthussettledwithhiscreditors，thegallantCounthadinterestenoughwithsomeofthegreatfolktoprocureforhimselfapostabroad，andwasabsentinHollandforsometime。ItwasherethathebecameacquaintedwiththelovelyMadamSilverkoop，thewidowofadeceasedgentlemanofLeyden；andalthoughtheladywasnotatthatageatwhichtenderpassionsareusuallyinspired——beingsixty——andthoughshecouldnot，likeMademoiselleNinondel’Enclos，thenatParis，boastofcharmswhichdefiedtheprogressoftime，——forMrs。Silverkoopwasasredasaboiledlobster，andasunwieldyasaporpoise；andalthoughhermentalattractionsdidbynomeansmakeupforherpersonaldeficiencies，——forshewasjealous，violent，vulgar，drunken，andstingytoamiracle：yethercharmshadanimmediateeffectonMonsieurdeGalgenstein；andhence，perhaps，thereader（therogue！howwellheknowstheworld！）
willbeledtoconcludethatthehonestwidowwasRICH。
Such，indeed，shewas；andCountGustavus，despisingthedifferencebetweenhistwentyquarteringsandhertwentythousandpounds，laidthemostdesperatesiegetoher，andfinishedbycausinghertocapitulate；asIdobelieve，afterareasonabledegreeofpressing，anywomanwilldotoanyman：such，atleast，hasbeenMY
experienceinthematter。
TheCountthenmarried；anditwascurioustoseehowhe——who，aswehaveseeninthecaseofMrs。Cat，hadbeenasgreatatigeranddomesticbullyasanyextant——now，bydegrees，fellintoaquietsubmissiontowardshisenormousCountess；whoorderedhimupanddownasaladyordersherfootman，whopermittedhimspeedilynottohaveawillofhisown，andwhodidnotallowhimashillingofhermoneywithoutreceivingforthesameanaccurateaccount。
Howwasitthathe，theabjectslaveofMadamSilverkoop，hadbeenvictoriousoverMrs。Cat？Thefirstblowis，Ibelieve，thedecisiveoneinthesecases，andtheCountesshadstrickenitaweekaftertheirmarriage；——establishingasupremacywhichtheCountneverafterwardsattemptedtoquestion。
WehavealludedtohisExcellency’smarriage，asindutybound，becauseitwillbenecessarytoaccountforhisappearancehereafterinamoresplendidfashionthanthatunderwhichhehashithertobeenknowntous；andjustcomfortingthereaderbytheknowledgethattheunion，thoughprosperousinaworldlypointofview，was，inreality，extremelyunhappy，wemustsaynomorefromthistimeforthofthefatandlegitimateMadamdeGalgenstein。OurdarlingisMrs。Catherine，whohadformerlyactedinherstead；andonlyinsomuchasthefatCountessdidinfluenceinanywaythedestiniesofourheroine，orthosewiseandvirtuouspersonswhohaveappearedandaretofollowhertoherend，shallweinanydegreeallowhernametofigurehere。Itisanawfulthingtogetaglimpse，asonesometimesdoes，whenthetimeispast，ofsomelittlelittlewheelwhichworksthewholemightymachineryofFATE，andseehowourdestiniesturnonaminute’sdelayoradvance，orontheturningofastreet，oronsomebodyelse’sturningofastreet，oronsomebodyelse’sdoingofsomethingelseinDowningStreetorinTimbuctoo，noworathousandyearsago。Thus，forinstance，ifMissPoots，intheyear1695，hadneverbeenthelovelyinmateofaSpielhausatAmsterdam，Mr。VanSilverkoopwouldneverhaveseenher；ifthedayhadnotbeenextraordinarilyhot，theworthymerchantwouldneverhavegonethither；ifhehadnotbeenfondofRhenishwineandsugar，heneverwouldhavecalledforanysuchdelicacies；ifhehadnotcalledforthem，MissOttiliaPootswouldneverhavebroughtthem，andpartakenofthem；ifhehadnotbeenrich，shewouldcertainlyhaverejectedalltheadvancesmadetoherbySilverkoop；
ifhehadnotbeensofondofRhenishandsugar，heneverwouldhavedied；andMrs。Silverkoopwouldhavebeenneitherrichnorawidow，norawifetoCountvonGalgenstein。Nay，norwouldthishistoryhaveeverbeenwritten；forifCountGalgensteinhadnotmarriedtherichwidow，Mrs。Catherinewouldneverhave——
Oh，mydearmadam！youthoughtweweregoingtotellyou。Pooh！
nonsense！——nosuchthing！notfortwoorthreeandseventypagesorso，——when，perhaps，youMAYknowwhatMrs。Catherineneverwouldhavedone。
Thereaderwillremember，inthesecondchapteroftheseMemoirs，theannouncementthatMrs。Catherinehadgiventotheworldachild，whomightbear，ifhechose，thearmsofGalgenstein，withthefurtheradornmentofabar—sinister。Thischildhadbeenputouttonursesometimebeforeitsmother’selopementfromtheCount；andasthatnoblemanwasinfundsatthetime（havinghadthatsuccessatplaywhichwedulychronicled），hepaidasumofnolessthantwentyguineas，whichwastobetheyearlyrewardofthenurseintowhosechargetheboywasput。Thewomangrewfondofthebrat；andwhen，afterthefirstyear，shehadnofurthernewsorremittancesfromfatherormother，shedetermined，forawhileatleast，tomaintaintheinfantatherownexpense；for，whenrebukedbyherneighboursonthisscore，shestoutlysworethatnoparentscouldeverdeserttheirchildren，andthatsomedayorothersheshouldnotfailtoberewardedforhertroublewiththisone。
UnderthisstrangementalhallucinationpoorGoodyBillings，whohadfivechildrenandahusbandofherown，continuedtogivefoodandsheltertolittleTomforaperiodofnolessthansevenyears；andthoughitmustbeacknowledgedthattheyounggentlemandidnotintheslightestdegreemeritthekindnessesshowntohim，GoodyBillings，whowasofaverysoftandpitifuldisposition，continuedtobestowthemuponhim：because，shesaid，hewaslonelyandunprotected，anddeservedthemmorethanotherchildrenwhohadfathersandmotherstolookafterthem。If，then，anydifferencewasmadebetweenTom’streatmentandthatofherownbrood，itwasconsiderablyinfavouroftheformer；towhomthelargestproportionsoftreaclewereallottedforhisbread，andthehandsomestsuppliesofhastypudding。Besides，todoMrs。Billingsjustice，thereWASapartyagainsthim；andthatconsistednotonlyofherhusbandandherfivechildren，butofeverysinglepersonintheneighbourhoodwhohadanopportunityofseeingandbecomingacquaintedwithMasterTom。
Acelebratedphilosopher——IthinkMissEdgeworth——hasbroachedtheconsolatorydoctrine，thatinintellectanddispositionallhumanbeingsareentirelyequal，andthatcircumstanceandeducationarethecausesofthedistinctionsanddivisionswhichafterwardsunhappilytakeplaceamongthem。Nottoarguethisquestion，whichplacesJackHowardandJackThurtellonanexactlevel，——whichwouldhaveustobelievethatLordMelbourneisbynaturalgiftsandexcellencesamanashonest，brave，andfar—sightedastheDukeofWellington，——whichwouldmakeoutthatLordLyndhurstis，inpointofprinciple，eloquence，andpoliticalhonesty，nobetterthanMr。
O’Connell，——not，Isay，arguingthisdoctrine，letussimplystatethatMasterThomasBillings（for，havingnoother，hetookthenameoftheworthypeoplewhoadoptedhim）wasinhislong—coatsfearfullypassionate，screamingandroaringperpetually，andshowingalltheillthatheCOULDshow。Attheageoftwo，whenhisstrengthenabledhimtotoddleabroad，hisfavouriteresortwasthecoal—holeorthedung—heap：hisroaringshadnotdiminishedintheleast，andhehadaddedtohisformervirtuestwonewones，——aloveoffightingandstealing；bothwhichamiablequalitieshehadmanyopportunitiesofexercisingeveryday。Hefoughthislittleadoptivebrothersandsisters；hekickedandcuffedhisfatherandmother；hefoughtthecat，stampeduponthekittens，wasworstedinaseverebattlewiththeheninthebackyard；but，inrevenge，nearlybeatalittlesucking—pigtodeath，whomhecaughtaloneandramblingnearhisfavouritehaunt，thedung—hill。Asforstealing，hestoletheeggs，whichheperforatedandemptied；thebutter，whichheatewithorwithoutbread，ashecouldfindit；thesugar，whichhecunninglysecretedintheleavesofa\"Baker’sChronicle，\"
thatnobodyintheestablishmentcouldread；andthusfromthepagesofhistoryheusedtosuckinallheknew——thievingandlyingnamely；inwhich，forhisyears，hemadewonderfulprogress。IfanyfollowersofMissEdgeworthandthephilosophersareinclinedtodisbelievethisstatement，ortosetitdownasoverchargedanddistorted，letthembeassuredthatjustthisverypicturewas，ofallthepicturesintheworld，takenfromnature。I，IkeySolomons，oncehadadearlittlebrotherwhocouldstealbeforehecouldwalk（andthisnotfromencouragement，——for，ifyouknowtheworld，youmustknowthatinfamiliesofourprofessionthepointofhonourissacredathome，——butfrompurenature）——whocouldsteal，Isay，beforehecouldwalk，andliebeforehecouldspeak；andwho，atfourandahalfyearsofage，havingattackedmysisterRebeccaonsomequestionoflollipops，hadsmittenherontheelbowwithafire—shovel，apologisingtousbysayingsimply，\"————her，Iwishithadbeenherhead！\"Dear，dearAminadab！Ithinkofyou，andlaughthesephilosopherstoscorn。Naturemadeyouforthatcareerwhichyoufulfilled：youwerefromyourbirthtoyourdyingascoundrel；youCOULDN’Thavebeenanythingelse，howeveryourlotwascast；andblesseditwasthatyouwerebornamongtheprigs，—
—forhadyoubeenofanyotherprofession，alas！alas！whatillsmightyouhavedone！AsIhaveheardtheauthorof\"Richelieu，\"
\"SiameseTwins，\"etc。say\"Poetanasciturnonfit，\"whichmeansthatthoughhehadtriedeversomuchtobeapoet，itwasallmoonshine：
inthelikemanner，Isay，\"ROAGUSnascitur，nonfit。\"Wehaveitfromnature，andsoafigforMissEdgeworth。
Inthismanner，then，whilehisfather，blessedwithawealthywife，wasleading，inafinehouse，thelifeofagalley—slave；whilehismother，marriedtoMr。Hayes，andmadeanhonestwomenof，asthesayingis，waspassinghertimerespectablyinWarwickshire，Mr。