THREEMENINABOAT
（TOSAYNOTHINGOFTHEDOG）。
ThreeMeninaBoatbyJeromeK。JeromeCHAPTERI。
THREEINVALIDS-SUFFERINGSOFGEORGEANDHARRIS-AVICTIMTOONE
HUNDREDANDSEVENFATALMALADIES-USEFULPRESCRIPTIONS-CUREFOR
LIVERCOMPLAINTINCHILDREN-WEAGREETHATWEAREOVERWORKED，ANDNEED
REST-AWEEKONTHEROLLINGDEEP？-GEORGESUGGESTSTHERIVER-
MONTMORENCYLODGESANOBJECTION-ORIGINALMOTIONCARRIEDBYMAJORITYOF
THREETOONE。
THEREwerefourofus-George，andWilliamSamuelHarris，andmyself，andMontmorency。Weweresittinginmyroom，smoking，andtalkingabouthowbadwewere-badfromamedicalpointofviewImean，ofcourse。
Wewereallfeelingseedy，andweweregettingquitenervousaboutit。
Harrissaidhefeltsuchextraordinaryfitsofgiddinesscomeoverhimattimes，thathehardlyknewwhathewasdoing；andthenGeorgesaidthatHEhadfitsofgiddinesstoo，andhardlyknewwhatHEwasdoing。Withme，itwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder。Iknewitwasmyliverthatwasoutoforder，becauseIhadjustbeenreadingapatentliver-pillcircular，inwhichweredetailedthevarioussymptomsbywhichamancouldtellwhenhisliverwasoutoforder。Ihadthemall。
Itisamostextraordinarything，butIneverreadapatentmedicineadvertisementwithoutbeingimpelledtotheconclusionthatIamsufferingfromtheparticulardiseasethereindealtwithinitsmostvirulentform。ThediagnosisseemsineverycasetocorrespondexactlywithallthesensationsthatIhaveeverfelt。
IremembergoingtotheBritishMuseumonedaytoreadupthetreatmentforsomeslightailmentofwhichIhadatouch-hayfever，Ifancyitwas。Igotdownthebook，andreadallIcametoread；andthen，inanunthinkingmoment，Iidlyturnedtheleaves，andbegantoindolentlystudydiseases，generally。IforgetwhichwasthefirstdistemperI
plungedinto-somefearful，devastatingscourge，Iknow-and，beforeI
hadglancedhalfdownthelistof\"premonitorysymptoms，\"itwasborneinuponmethatIhadfairlygotit。
Isatforawhile，frozenwithhorror；andthen，inthelistlessnessofdespair，Iagainturnedoverthepages。Icametotyphoidfever-readthesymptoms-discoveredthatIhadtyphoidfever，musthavehaditformonthswithoutknowingit-wonderedwhatelseIhadgot；turnedupSt。
Vitus\'sDance-found，asIexpected，thatIhadthattoo，-begantogetinterestedinmycase，anddeterminedtosiftittothebottom，andsostartedalphabetically-readupague，andlearntthatIwassickeningforit，andthattheacutestagewouldcommenceinaboutanotherfortnight。Bright\'sdisease，Iwasrelievedtofind，Ihadonlyinamodifiedform，and，sofarasthatwasconcerned，Imightliveforyears。
CholeraIhad，withseverecomplications；anddiphtheriaIseemedtohavebeenbornwith。Iploddedconscientiouslythroughthetwenty-sixletters，andtheonlymaladyIcouldconcludeIhadnotgotwashousemaid\'sknee。
Ifeltratherhurtaboutthisatfirst；itseemedsomehowtobeasortofslight。Whyhadn\'tIgothousemaid\'sknee？Whythisinvidiousreservation？Afterawhile，however，lessgraspingfeelingsprevailed。I
reflectedthatIhadeveryotherknownmaladyinthepharmacology，andI
grewlessselfish，anddeterminedtodowithouthousemaid\'sknee。Gout，initsmostmalignantstage，itwouldappear，hadseizedmewithoutmybeingawareofit；andzymosisIhadevidentlybeensufferingwithfromboyhood。Therewerenomorediseasesafterzymosis，soIconcludedtherewasnothingelsethematterwithme。
Isatandpondered。IthoughtwhataninterestingcaseImustbefromamedicalpointofview，whatanacquisitionIshouldbetoaclass！
Studentswouldhavenoneedto\"walkthehospitals，\"iftheyhadme。I
wasahospitalinmyself。Alltheyneeddowouldbetowalkroundme，and，afterthat，taketheirdiploma。
ThenIwonderedhowlongIhadtolive。Itriedtoexaminemyself。I
feltmypulse。Icouldnotatfirstfeelanypulseatall。Then，allofasudden，itseemedtostartoff。Ipulledoutmywatchandtimedit。I
madeitahundredandforty-seventotheminute。Itriedtofeelmyheart。Icouldnotfeelmyheart。Ithadstoppedbeating。Ihavesincebeeninducedtocometotheopinionthatitmusthavebeenthereallthetime，andmusthavebeenbeating，butIcannotaccountforit。Ipattedmyselfallovermyfront，fromwhatIcallmywaistuptomyhead，andI
wentabitroundeachside，andalittlewayuptheback。ButIcouldnotfeelorhearanything。Itriedtolookatmytongue。Istuckitoutasfaraseveritwouldgo，andIshutoneeye，andtriedtoexamineitwiththeother。Icouldonlyseethetip，andtheonlythingthatI
couldgainfromthatwastofeelmorecertainthanbeforethatIhadscarletfever。
Ihadwalkedintothatreading-roomahappy，healthyman。Icrawledoutadecrepitwreck。
Iwenttomymedicalman。Heisanoldchumofmine，andfeelsmypulse，andlooksatmytongue，andtalksabouttheweather，allfornothing，whenIfancyI\'mill；soIthoughtIwoulddohimagoodturnbygoingtohimnow。\"Whatadoctorwants，\"Isaid，\"ispractice。Heshallhaveme。
Hewillgetmorepracticeoutofmethanoutofseventeenhundredofyourordinary，commonplacepatients，withonlyoneortwodiseaseseach。\"SoIwentstraightupandsawhim，andhesaid：
\"Well，what\'sthematterwithyou？\"
Isaid：
\"Iwillnottakeupyourtime，dearboy，withtellingyouwhatisthematterwithme。Lifeisbrief，andyoumightpassawaybeforeIhadfinished。ButIwilltellyouwhatisNOTthematterwithme。Ihavenotgothousemaid\'sknee。WhyIhavenotgothousemaid\'sknee，Icannottellyou；butthefactremainsthatIhavenotgotit。Everythingelse，however，IHAVEgot。\"
AndItoldhimhowIcametodiscoveritall。
Thenheopenedmeandlookeddownme，andclutchedholdofmywrist，andthenhehitmeoverthechestwhenIwasn\'texpectingit-acowardlythingtodo，Icallit-andimmediatelyafterwardsbuttedmewiththesideofhishead。Afterthat，hesatdownandwroteoutaprescription，andfoldeditupandgaveitme，andIputitinmypocketandwentout。
Ididnotopenit。Itookittothenearestchemist\'s，andhandeditin。
Themanreadit，andthenhandeditback。
Hesaidhedidn\'tkeepit。
Isaid：
\"Youareachemist？\"
Hesaid：
\"Iamachemist。IfIwasaco-operativestoresandfamilyhotelcombined，Imightbeabletoobligeyou。Beingonlyachemisthampersme。\"
Ireadtheprescription。Itran：
\"1lb。beefsteak，with1pt。bitterbeerevery6hours。
1ten-milewalkeverymorning。
1bedat11sharpeverynight。
Anddon\'tstuffupyourheadwiththingsyoudon\'tunderstand。\"
Ifollowedthedirections，withthehappyresult-speakingformyself-
thatmylifewaspreserved，andisstillgoingon。
Inthepresentinstance，goingbacktotheliver-pillcircular，Ihadthesymptoms，beyondallmistake，thechiefamongthembeing\"ageneraldisinclinationtoworkofanykind。\"
WhatIsufferinthatwaynotonguecantell。FrommyearliestinfancyI
havebeenamartyrtoit。Asaboy，thediseasehardlyeverleftmeforaday。Theydidnotknow，then，thatitwasmyliver。Medicalsciencewasinafarlessadvancedstatethannow，andtheyusedtoputitdowntolaziness。
\"Why，youskulkinglittledevil，you，\"theywouldsay，\"getupanddosomethingforyourliving，can\'tyou？\"-notknowing，ofcourse，thatI
wasill。
Andtheydidn\'tgivemepills；theygavemeclumpsonthesideofthehead。And，strangeasitmayappear，thoseclumpsontheheadoftencuredme-forthetimebeing。Ihaveknownoneclumpontheheadhavemoreeffectuponmyliver，andmakemefeelmoreanxioustogostraightawaythenandthere，anddowhatwaswantedtobedone，withoutfurtherlossoftime，thanawholeboxofpillsdoesnow。
Youknow，itoftenisso-thosesimple，old-fashionedremediesaresometimesmoreefficaciousthanallthedispensarystuff。
Wesatthereforhalf-an-hour，describingtoeachotherourmaladies。I
explainedtoGeorgeandWilliamHarrishowIfeltwhenIgotupinthemorning，andWilliamHarristoldushowhefeltwhenhewenttobed；andGeorgestoodonthehearth-rug，andgaveusacleverandpowerfulpieceofacting，illustrativeofhowhefeltinthenight。
GeorgeFANCIESheisill；butthere\'sneveranythingreallythematterwithhim，youknow。
Atthispoint，Mrs。Poppetsknockedatthedoortoknowifwewerereadyforsupper。Wesmiledsadlyatoneanother，andsaidwesupposedwehadbettertrytoswallowabit。Harrissaidalittlesomethinginone\'sstomachoftenkeptthediseaseincheck；andMrs。Poppetsbroughtthetrayin，andwedrewuptothetable，andtoyedwithalittlesteakandonions，andsomerhubarbtart。
Imusthavebeenveryweakatthetime；becauseIknow，afterthefirsthalf-hourorso，Iseemedtotakenointerestwhateverinmyfood-anunusualthingforme-andIdidn\'twantanycheese。
Thisdutydone，werefilledourglasses，litourpipes，andresumedthediscussionuponourstateofhealth。Whatitwasthatwasactuallythematterwithus，wenoneofuscouldbesureof；buttheunanimousopinionwasthatit-whateveritwas-hadbeenbroughtonbyoverwork。
\"Whatwewantisrest，\"saidHarris。
\"Restandacompletechange，\"saidGeorge。\"Theoverstrainuponourbrainshasproducedageneraldepressionthroughoutthesystem。Changeofscene，andabsenceofthenecessityforthought，willrestorethementalequilibrium。\"
Georgehasacousin，whoisusuallydescribedinthecharge-sheetasamedicalstudent，sothathenaturallyhasasomewhatfamily-physicianarywayofputtingthings。
IagreedwithGeorge，andsuggestedthatweshouldseekoutsomeretiredandold-worldspot，farfromthemaddingcrowd，anddreamawayasunnyweekamongitsdrowsylanes-somehalf-forgottennook，hiddenawaybythefairies，outofreachofthenoisyworld-somequaint-perchedeyrieonthecliffsofTime，fromwhencethesurgingwavesofthenineteenthcenturywouldsoundfar-offandfaint。
Harrissaidhethoughtitwouldbehumpy。HesaidheknewthesortofplaceImeant；whereeverybodywenttobedateighto\'clock，andyoucouldn\'tgetaREFEREEforloveormoney，andhadtowalktenmilestogetyourbaccy。
\"No，\"saidHarris，\"ifyouwantrestandchange，youcan\'tbeataseatrip。\"
Iobjectedtotheseatripstrongly。Aseatripdoesyougoodwhenyouaregoingtohaveacoupleofmonthsofit，but，foraweek，itiswicked。
YoustartonMondaywiththeideaimplantedinyourbosomthatyouaregoingtoenjoyyourself。Youwaveanairyadieutotheboysonshore，lightyourbiggestpipe，andswaggeraboutthedeckasifyouwereCaptainCook，SirFrancisDrake，andChristopherColumbusallrolledintoone。OnTuesday，youwishyouhadn\'tcome。OnWednesday，Thursday，andFriday，youwishyouweredead。OnSaturday，youareabletoswallowalittlebeeftea，andtositupondeck，andanswerwithawan，sweetsmilewhenkind-heartedpeopleaskyouhowyoufeelnow。OnSunday，youbegintowalkaboutagain，andtakesolidfood。AndonMondaymorning，as，withyourbagandumbrellainyourhand，youstandbythegunwale，waitingtostepashore，youbegintothoroughlylikeit。
Iremembermybrother-in-lawgoingforashortseatriponce，forthebenefitofhishealth。HetookareturnberthfromLondontoLiverpool；
andwhenhegottoLiverpool，theonlythinghewasanxiousaboutwastosellthatreturnticket。
Itwasofferedroundthetownatatremendousreduction，soIamtold；
andwaseventuallysoldforeighteenpencetoabilious-lookingyouthwhohadjustbeenadvisedbyhismedicalmentogotothesea-side，andtakeexercise。
\"Sea-side！\"saidmybrother-in-law，pressingtheticketaffectionatelyintohishand；\"why，you\'llhaveenoughtolastyoualifetime；andasforexercise！why，you\'llgetmoreexercise，sittingdownonthatship，thanyouwouldturningsomersaultsondryland。\"
Hehimself-mybrother-in-law-camebackbytrain。HesaidtheNorth-
WesternRailwaywashealthyenoughforhim。
AnotherfellowIknewwentforaweek\'svoyageroundthecoast，and，beforetheystarted，thestewardcametohimtoaskwhetherhewouldpayforeachmealashehadit，orarrangebeforehandforthewholeseries。
Thestewardrecommendedthelattercourse，asitwouldcomesomuchcheaper。Hesaidtheywoulddohimforthewholeweekattwopoundsfive。Hesaidforbreakfasttherewouldbefish，followedbyagrill。
Lunchwasatone，andconsistedoffourcourses。Dinneratsix-soup，fish，entree，joint，poultry，salad，sweets，cheese，anddessert。Andalightmeatsupperatten。
Myfriendthoughthewouldcloseonthetwo-pound-fivejob（heisaheartyeater），anddidso。
LunchcamejustastheywereoffSheerness。Hedidn\'tfeelsohungryashethoughtheshould，andsocontentedhimselfwithabitofboiledbeef，andsomestrawberriesandcream。Heponderedagooddealduringtheafternoon，andatonetimeitseemedtohimthathehadbeeneatingnothingbutboiledbeefforweeks，andatothertimesitseemedthathemusthavebeenlivingonstrawberriesandcreamforyears。
Neitherthebeefnorthestrawberriesandcreamseemedhappy，either-
seemeddiscontentedlike。
Atsix，theycameandtoldhimdinnerwasready。Theannouncementarousednoenthusiasmwithinhim，buthefeltthattherewassomeofthattwo-pound-fivetobeworkedoff，andheheldontoropesandthingsandwentdown。Apleasantodourofonionsandhotham，mingledwithfriedfishandgreens，greetedhimatthebottomoftheladder；andthenthestewardcameupwithanoilysmile，andsaid：
\"WhatcanIgetyou，sir？\"
\"Getmeoutofthis，\"wasthefeeblereply。
Andtheyranhimupquick，andproppedhimup，overtoleeward，andlefthim。
Forthenextfourdayshelivedasimpleandblamelesslifeonthincaptain\'sbiscuits（Imeanthatthebiscuitswerethin，notthecaptain）
andsoda-water；but，towardsSaturday，hegotuppish，andwentinforweakteaanddrytoast，andonMondayhewasgorginghimselfonchickenbroth。HelefttheshiponTuesday，andasitsteamedawayfromthelanding-stagehegazedafteritregretfully。
\"Thereshegoes，\"hesaid，\"thereshegoes，withtwopounds\'worthoffoodonboardthatbelongstome，andthatIhaven\'thad。\"
Hesaidthatiftheyhadgivenhimanotherdayhethoughthecouldhaveputitstraight。
SoIsetmyfaceagainsttheseatrip。Not，asIexplained，uponmyownaccount。Iwasneverqueer。ButIwasafraidforGeorge。Georgesaidheshouldbeallright，andwouldratherlikeit，buthewouldadviseHarrisandmenottothinkofit，ashefeltsureweshouldbothbeill。
Harrissaidthat，tohimself，itwasalwaysamysteryhowpeoplemanagedtogetsickatsea-saidhethoughtpeoplemustdoitonpurpose，fromaffectation-saidhehadoftenwishedtobe，buthadneverbeenable。
ThenhetoldusanecdotesofhowhehadgoneacrosstheChannelwhenitwassoroughthatthepassengershadtobetiedintotheirberths，andheandthecaptainweretheonlytwolivingsoulsonboardwhowerenotill。
Sometimesitwasheandthesecondmatewhowerenotill；butitwasgenerallyheandoneotherman。Ifnotheandanotherman，thenitwashebyhimself。
Itisacuriousfact，butnobodyeverissea-sick-onland。Atsea，youcomeacrossplentyofpeopleverybadindeed，wholeboat-loadsofthem；
butInevermetamanyet，onland，whohadeverknownatallwhatitwastobesea-sick。Wherethethousandsuponthousandsofbadsailorsthatswarmineveryshiphidethemselveswhentheyareonlandisamystery。
IfmostmenwerelikeafellowIsawontheYarmouthboatoneday，I
couldaccountfortheseemingenigmaeasilyenough。ItwasjustoffSouthendPier，Irecollect，andhewasleaningoutthroughoneoftheport-holesinaverydangerousposition。Iwentuptohimtotryandsavehim。
\"Hi！comefurtherin，\"Isaid，shakinghimbytheshoulder。\"You\'llbeoverboard。\"
\"Ohmy！IwishIwas，\"wastheonlyanswerIcouldget；andthereIhadtoleavehim。
Threeweeksafterwards，Imethiminthecoffee-roomofaBathhotel，talkingabouthisvoyages，andexplaining，withenthusiasm，howhelovedthesea。
\"Goodsailor！\"herepliedinanswertoamildyoungman\'senviousquery；
\"well，IdidfeelalittlequeerONCE，Iconfess。ItwasoffCapeHorn。
Thevesselwaswreckedthenextmorning。\"
Isaid：
\"Weren\'tyoualittleshakybySouthendPieroneday，andwantedtobethrownoverboard？\"
\"SouthendPier！\"hereplied，withapuzzledexpression。
\"Yes；goingdowntoYarmouth，lastFridaythreeweeks。\"
\"Oh，ah-yes，\"heanswered，brighteningup；\"Iremembernow。Ididhaveaheadachethatafternoon。Itwasthepickles，youknow。TheywerethemostdisgracefulpicklesIevertastedinarespectableboat。Didyouhaveany？\"
Formyself，Ihavediscoveredanexcellentpreventiveagainstsea-
sickness，inbalancingmyself。Youstandinthecentreofthedeck，and，astheshipheavesandpitches，youmoveyourbodyabout，soastokeepitalwaysstraight。Whenthefrontoftheshiprises，youleanforward，tillthedeckalmosttouchesyournose；andwhenitsbackendgetsup，youleanbackwards。Thisisallverywellforanhourortwo；butyoucan\'tbalanceyourselfforaweek。
Georgesaid：
\"Let\'sgouptheriver。\"
Hesaidweshouldhavefreshair，exerciseandquiet；theconstantchangeofscenewouldoccupyourminds（includingwhattherewasofHarris\'s）；
andthehardworkwouldgiveusagoodappetite，andmakeussleepwell。
Harrissaidhedidn\'tthinkGeorgeoughttodoanythingthatwouldhaveatendencytomakehimsleepierthanhealwayswas，asitmightbedangerous。
Hesaidhedidn\'tverywellunderstandhowGeorgewasgoingtosleepanymorethanhedidnow，seeingthattherewereonlytwenty-fourhoursineachday，summerandwinteralike；butthoughtthatifheDIDsleepanymore，hemightjustaswellbedead，andsosavehisboardandlodging。
Harrissaid，however，thattheriverwouldsuithimtoa\"T。\"Idon\'tknowwhata\"T\"is（exceptasixpennyone，whichincludesbread-and-
butterandcakeADLIB。，andischeapattheprice，ifyouhaven\'thadanydinner）。Itseemstosuiteverybody，however，whichisgreatlytoitscredit。
Itsuitedmetoa\"T\"too，andHarrisandIbothsaiditwasagoodideaofGeorge\'s；andwesaiditinatonethatseemedtosomehowimplythatweweresurprisedthatGeorgeshouldhavecomeoutsosensible。
TheonlyonewhowasnotstruckwiththesuggestionwasMontmorency。Heneverdidcarefortheriver，didMontmorency。
\"It\'sallverywellforyoufellows，\"hesays；\"youlikeit，butIdon\'t。
There\'snothingformetodo。Sceneryisnotinmyline，andIdon\'tsmoke。IfIseearat，youwon\'tstop；andifIgotosleep，yougetfoolingaboutwiththeboat，andslopmeoverboard。Ifyouaskme，I
callthewholethingballyfoolishness。\"
Wewerethreetoone，however，andthemotionwascarried。
CHAPTERII。
PLANSDISCUSSED-PLEASURESOF\"CAMPING-OUT，\"ONFINENIGHTS-DITTO，WETNIGHTS-COMPROMISEDECIDEDON-MONTMORENCY，FIRSTIMPRESSIONSOF-
FEARSLESTHEISTOOGOODFORTHISWORLD，FEARSSUBSEQUENTLYDISMISSED
ASGROUNDLESS-MEETINGADJOURNS。
WEpulledoutthemaps，anddiscussedplans。
WearrangedtostartonthefollowingSaturdayfromKingston。HarrisandIwouldgodowninthemorning，andtaketheboatuptoChertsey，andGeorge，whowouldnotbeabletogetawayfromtheCitytilltheafternoon（Georgegoestosleepatabankfromtentofoureachday，exceptSaturdays，whentheywakehimupandputhimoutsideattwo），wouldmeetusthere。
Shouldwe\"campout\"orsleepatinns？
GeorgeandIwereforcampingout。Wesaiditwouldbesowildandfree，sopatriarchallike。
Slowlythegoldenmemoryofthedeadsunfadesfromtheheartsofthecold，sadclouds。Silent，likesorrowingchildren，thebirdshaveceasedtheirsong，andonlythemoorhen\'splaintivecryandtheharshcroakofthecorncrakestirstheawedhusharoundthecouchofwaters，wherethedyingdaybreathesoutherlast。
Fromthedimwoodsoneitherbank，Night\'sghostlyarmy，thegreyshadows，creepoutwithnoiselesstreadtochaseawaythelingeringrear-
guardofthelight，andpass，withnoiseless，unseenfeet，abovethewavingriver-grass，andthroughthesighingrushes；andNight，uponhersombrethrone，foldsherblackwingsabovethedarkeningworld，and，fromherphantompalace，litbythepalestars，reignsinstillness。
Thenwerunourlittleboatintosomequietnook，andthetentispitched，andthefrugalsuppercookedandeaten。Thenthebigpipesarefilledandlighted，andthepleasantchatgoesroundinmusicalundertone；while，inthepausesofourtalk，theriver，playingroundtheboat，prattlesstrangeoldtalesandsecrets，singslowtheoldchild\'ssongthatithassungsomanythousandyears-willsingsomanythousandyearstocome，beforeitsvoicegrowsharshandold-asongthatwe，whohavelearnttoloveitschangingface，whohavesooftennestledonitsyieldingbosom，think，somehow，weunderstand，thoughwecouldnottellyouinmerewordsthestorythatwelistento。
Andwesitthere，byitsmargin，whilethemoon，wholovesittoo，stoopsdowntokissitwithasister\'skiss，andthrowshersilverarmsarounditclingingly；andwewatchitasitflows，eversinging，everwhispering，outtomeetitsking，thesea-tillourvoicesdieawayinsilence，andthepipesgoout-tillwe，common-place，everydayyoungmenenough，feelstrangelyfullofthoughts，halfsad，halfsweet，anddonotcareorwanttospeak-tillwelaugh，and，rising，knocktheashesfromourburnt-outpipes，andsay\"Good-night，\"and，lulledbythelappingwaterandtherustlingtrees，wefallasleepbeneaththegreat，stillstars，anddreamthattheworldisyoungagain-youngandsweetassheusedtobeerethecenturiesoffretandcarehadfurrowedherfairface，ereherchildren\'ssinsandfollieshadmadeoldherlovingheart-sweetasshewasinthosebygonedayswhen，anew-mademother，shenursedus，herchildren，uponherowndeepbreast-erethewilesofpaintedcivilizationhadluredusawayfromherfondarms，andthepoisonedsneersofartificialityhadmadeusashamedofthesimplelifeweledwithher，andthesimple，statelyhomewheremankindwasbornsomanythousandsyearsago。
Harrissaid：
\"Howaboutwhenitrained？\"
YoucanneverrouseHarris。ThereisnopoetryaboutHarris-nowildyearningfortheunattainable。Harrisnever\"weeps，heknowsnotwhy。\"
IfHarris\'seyesfillwithtears，youcanbetitisbecauseHarrishasbeeneatingrawonions，orhasputtoomuchWorcesteroverhischop。
Ifyouweretostandatnightbythesea-shorewithHarris，andsay：
\"Hark！doyounothear？Isitbutthemermaidssingingdeepbelowthewavingwaters；orsadspirits，chantingdirgesforwhitecorpses，heldbyseaweed？\"Harriswouldtakeyoubythearm，andsay：
\"Iknowwhatitis，oldman；you\'vegotachill。Now，youcomealongwithme。Iknowaplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetadropofthefinestScotchwhiskyyouevertasted-putyourightinlessthannotime。\"
Harrisalwaysdoesknowaplaceroundthecornerwhereyoucangetsomethingbrilliantinthedrinkingline。IbelievethatifyoumetHarrisupinParadise（supposingsuchathinglikely），hewouldimmediatelygreetyouwith：
\"Sogladyou\'vecome，oldfellow；I\'vefoundaniceplaceroundthecornerhere，whereyoucangetsomereallyfirst-classnectar。\"
Inthepresentinstance，however，asregardedthecampingout，hispracticalviewofthemattercameasaverytimelyhint。Campingoutinrainyweatherisnotpleasant。
Itisevening。Youarewetthrough，andthereisagoodtwoinchesofwaterintheboat，andallthethingsaredamp。Youfindaplaceonthebanksthatisnotquitesopuddlyasotherplacesyouhaveseen，andyoulandandlugoutthetent，andtwoofyouproceedtofixit。
Itissoakedandheavy，anditflopsabout，andtumblesdownonyou，andclingsroundyourheadandmakesyoumad。Therainispouringsteadilydownallthetime。Itisdifficultenoughtofixatentindryweather：
inwet，thetaskbecomesherculean。Insteadofhelpingyou，itseemstoyouthattheothermanissimplyplayingthefool。Justasyougetyoursidebeautifullyfixed，hegivesitahoistfromhisend，andspoilsitall。
\"Here！whatareyouupto？\"youcallout。
\"WhatareYOUupto？\"heretorts；\"leggo，can\'tyou？\"
\"Don\'tpullit；you\'vegotitallwrong，youstupidass！\"youshout。
\"No，Ihaven\'t，\"heyellsback；\"letgoyourside！\"
\"Itellyouyou\'vegotitallwrong！\"youroar，wishingthatyoucouldgetathim；andyougiveyourropesalugthatpullsallhispegsout。
\"Ah，theballyidiot！\"youhearhimmuttertohimself；andthencomesasavagehaul，andawaygoesyourside。Youlaydownthemalletandstarttogoroundandtellhimwhatyouthinkaboutthewholebusiness，and，atthesametime，hestartsroundinthesamedirectiontocomeandexplainhisviewstoyou。Andyoufolloweachotherroundandround，swearingatoneanother，untilthetenttumblesdowninaheap，andleavesyoulookingateachotheracrossitsruins，whenyoubothindignantlyexclaim，inthesamebreath：
\"Thereyouare！whatdidItellyou？\"
Meanwhilethethirdman，whohasbeenbalingouttheboat，andwhohasspilledthewaterdownhissleeve，andhasbeencursingawaytohimselfsteadilyforthelasttenminutes，wantstoknowwhatthethunderingblazesyou\'replayingat，andwhytheblarmedtentisn\'tupyet。
Atlast，somehoworother，itdoesgetup，andyoulandthethings。Itishopelessattemptingtomakeawoodfire，soyoulightthemethylatedspiritstove，andcrowdroundthat。
Rainwateristhechiefarticleofdietatsupper。Thebreadistwo-
thirdsrainwater，thebeefsteak-pieisexceedinglyrichinit，andthejam，andthebutter，andthesalt，andthecoffeehaveallcombinedwithittomakesoup。
Aftersupper，youfindyourtobaccoisdamp，andyoucannotsmoke。
Luckilyyouhaveabottleofthestuffthatcheersandinebriates，iftakeninproperquantity，andthisrestorestoyousufficientinterestinlifetoinduceyoutogotobed。
Thereyoudreamthatanelephanthassuddenlysatdownonyourchest，andthatthevolcanohasexplodedandthrownyoudowntothebottomofthesea-theelephantstillsleepingpeacefullyonyourbosom。Youwakeupandgrasptheideathatsomethingterriblereallyhashappened。Yourfirstimpressionisthattheendoftheworldhascome；andthenyouthinkthatthiscannotbe，andthatitisthievesandmurderers，orelsefire，andthisopinionyouexpressintheusualmethod。Nohelpcomes，however，andallyouknowisthatthousandsofpeoplearekickingyou，andyouarebeingsmothered。
Somebodyelseseemsintrouble，too。Youcanhearhisfaintcriescomingfromunderneathyourbed。Determining，atallevents，tosellyourlifedearly，youstrugglefrantically，hittingoutrightandleftwitharmsandlegs，andyellinglustilythewhile，andatlastsomethinggivesway，andyoufindyourheadinthefreshair。Twofeetoff，youdimlyobserveahalf-dressedruffian，waitingtokillyou，andyouarepreparingforalife-and-deathstrugglewithhim，whenitbeginstodawnuponyouthatit\'sJim。
\"Oh，it\'syou，isit？\"hesays，recognisingyouatthesamemoment。
\"Yes，\"youanswer，rubbingyoureyes；\"what\'shappened？\"
\"Ballytent\'sblowndown，Ithink，\"hesays。
\"Where\'sBill？\"
Thenyoubothraiseupyourvoicesandshoutfor\"Bill！\"andthegroundbeneathyouheavesandrocks，andthemuffledvoicethatyouheardbeforerepliesfromouttheruin：
\"Getoffmyhead，can\'tyou？\"
AndBillstrugglesout，amuddy，trampledwreck，andinanunnecessarilyaggressivemood-hebeingundertheevidentbeliefthatthewholethinghasbeendoneonpurpose。
Inthemorningyouareallthreespeechless，owingtohavingcaughtseverecoldsinthenight；youalsofeelveryquarrelsome，andyouswearateachotherinhoarsewhispersduringthewholeofbreakfasttime。
Wethereforedecidedthatwewouldsleepoutonfinenights；andhotelit，andinnit，andpub。it，likerespectablefolks，whenitwaswet，orwhenwefeltinclinedforachange。
Montmorencyhailedthiscompromisewithmuchapproval。Hedoesnotrevelinromanticsolitude。Givehimsomethingnoisy；andifatriflelow，somuchthejollier。TolookatMontmorencyyouwouldimaginethathewasanangelsentupontheearth，forsomereasonwithheldfrommankind，intheshapeofasmallfox-terrier。ThereisasortofOh-what-a-wicked-
world-this-is-and-how-I-wish-I-could-do-something-to-make-it-better-and-
noblerexpressionaboutMontmorencythathasbeenknowntobringthetearsintotheeyesofpiousoldladiesandgentlemen。
Whenfirsthecametoliveatmyexpense，IneverthoughtIshouldbeabletogethimtostoplong。Iusedtositdownandlookathim，ashesatontherugandlookedupatme，andthink：\"Oh，thatdogwillneverlive。Hewillbesnatcheduptothebrightskiesinachariot，thatiswhatwillhappentohim。\"
But，whenIhadpaidforaboutadozenchickensthathehadkilled；andhaddraggedhim，growlingandkicking，bythescruffofhisneck，outofahundredandfourteenstreetfights；andhadhadadeadcatbroughtroundformyinspectionbyaniratefemale，whocalledmeamurderer；andhadbeensummonedbythemannextdoorbutoneforhavingaferociousdogatlarge，thathadkepthimpinnedupinhisowntool-shed，afraidtoventurehisnoseoutsidethedoorforovertwohoursonacoldnight；andhadlearnedthatthegardener，unknowntomyself，hadwonthirtyshillingsbybackinghimtokillratsagainsttime，thenIbegantothinkthatmaybethey\'dlethimremainonearthforabitlonger，afterall。
Tohangaboutastable，andcollectagangofthemostdisreputabledogstobefoundinthetown，andleadthemouttomarchroundtheslumstofightotherdisreputabledogs，isMontmorency\'sideaof\"life；\"andso，asIbeforeobserved，hegavetothesuggestionofinns，andpubs。，andhotelshismostemphaticapprobation。
Havingthussettledthesleepingarrangementstothesatisfactionofallfourofus，theonlythinglefttodiscusswaswhatweshouldtakewithus；andthiswehadbeguntoargue，whenHarrissaidhe\'dhadenoughoratoryforonenight，andproposedthatweshouldgooutandhaveasmile，sayingthathehadfoundaplace，roundbythesquare，whereyoucouldreallygetadropofIrishworthdrinking。
Georgesaidhefeltthirsty（IneverknewGeorgewhenhedidn\'t）；and，asIhadapresentimentthatalittlewhisky，warm，withasliceoflemon，woulddomycomplaintgood，thedebatewas，bycommonassent，adjournedtothefollowingnight；andtheassemblyputonitshatsandwentout。
CHAPTERIII。
ARRANGEMENTSSETTLED-HARRIS\'SMETHODOFDOINGWORK-HOWTHEELDERLY，FAMILY-MANPUTSUPAPICTURE-GEORGEMAKESASENSIBLE，REMARK-
DELIGHTSOFEARLYMORNINGBATHING-PROVISIONSFORGETTINGUPSET。
SO，onthefollowingevening，weagainassembled，todiscussandarrangeourplans。Harrissaid：
\"Now，thefirstthingtosettleiswhattotakewithus。Now，yougetabitofpaperandwritedown，J。，andyougetthegrocerycatalogue，George，andsomebodygivemeabitofpencil，andthenI\'llmakeoutalist。\"
That\'sHarrisallover-soreadytotaketheburdenofeverythinghimself，andputitonthebacksofotherpeople。
HealwaysremindsmeofmypoorUnclePodger。Youneversawsuchacommotionupanddownahouse，inallyourlife，aswhenmyUnclePodgerundertooktodoajob。Apicturewouldhavecomehomefromtheframe-
maker\'s，andbestandinginthedining-room，waitingtobeputup；andAuntPodgerwouldaskwhatwastobedonewithit，andUnclePodgerwouldsay：
\"Oh，youleavethattoME。Don\'tyou，anyofyou，worryyourselvesaboutthat。I\'LLdoallthat。\"
Andthenhewouldtakeoffhiscoat，andbegin。Hewouldsendthegirloutforsixpen\'orthofnails，andthenoneoftheboysafterhertotellherwhatsizetoget；and，fromthat，hewouldgraduallyworkdown，andstartthewholehouse。
\"Nowyougoandgetmemyhammer，Will，\"hewouldshout；\"andyoubringmetherule，Tom；andIshallwantthestep-ladder，andIhadbetterhaveakitchen-chair，too；and，Jim！yourunroundtoMr。Goggles，andtellhim，`Pa\'skindregards，andhopeshisleg\'sbetter；andwillhelendhimhisspirit-level？\'Anddon\'tyougo，Maria，becauseIshallwantsomebodytoholdmethelight；andwhenthegirlcomesback，shemustgooutagainforabitofpicture-cord；andTom！-where\'sTom？-Tom，youcomehere；Ishallwantyoutohandmeupthepicture。\"
Andthenhewouldliftupthepicture，anddropit，anditwouldcomeoutoftheframe，andhewouldtrytosavetheglass，andcuthimself；andthenhewouldspringroundtheroom，lookingforhishandkerchief。Hecouldnotfindhishandkerchief，becauseitwasinthepocketofthecoathehadtakenoff，andhedidnotknowwherehehadputthecoat，andallthehousehadtoleaveofflookingforhistools，andstartlookingforhiscoat；whilehewoulddanceroundandhinderthem。
\"Doesn\'tanybodyinthewholehouseknowwheremycoatis？Inevercameacrosssuchasetinallmylife-uponmywordIdidn\'t。Sixofyou！-
andyoucan\'tfindacoatthatIputdownnotfiveminutesago！Well，ofallthe-\"
Thenhe\'dgetup，andfindthathehadbeensittingonit，andwouldcallout：
\"Oh，youcangiveitup！I\'vefounditmyselfnow。Mightjustaswellaskthecattofindanythingasexpectyoupeopletofindit。\"
And，whenhalfanhourhadbeenspentintyinguphisfinger，andanewglasshadbeengot，andthetools，andtheladder，andthechair，andthecandlehadbeenbrought，hewouldhaveanothergo，thewholefamily，includingthegirlandthecharwoman，standingroundinasemi-circle，readytohelp。Twopeoplewouldhavetoholdthechair，andathirdwouldhelphimuponit，andholdhimthere，andafourthwouldhandhimanail，andafifthwouldpasshimupthehammer，andhewouldtakeholdofthenail，anddropit。
\"There！\"hewouldsay，inaninjuredtone，\"nowthenail\'sgone。\"
Andwewouldallhavetogodownonourkneesandgrovelforit，whilehewouldstandonthechair，andgrunt，andwanttoknowifhewastobekepttherealltheevening。
Thenailwouldbefoundatlast，butbythattimehewouldhavelostthehammer。
\"Where\'sthehammer？WhatdidIdowiththehammer？Greatheavens！
Sevenofyou，gapingroundthere，andyoudon\'tknowwhatIdidwiththehammer！\"
Wewouldfindthehammerforhim，andthenhewouldhavelostsightofthemarkhehadmadeonthewall，wherethenailwastogoin，andeachofushadtogetuponthechair，besidehim，andseeifwecouldfindit；andwewouldeachdiscoveritinadifferentplace，andhewouldcallusallfools，oneafteranother，andtellustogetdown。Andhewouldtaketherule，andre-measure，andfindthathewantedhalfthirty-oneandthree-eighthsinchesfromthecorner，andwouldtrytodoitinhishead，andgomad。
Andwewouldalltrytodoitinourheads，andallarriveatdifferentresults，andsneeratoneanother。Andinthegeneralrow，theoriginalnumberwouldbeforgotten，andUnclePodgerwouldhavetomeasureitagain。
Hewoulduseabitofstringthistime，andatthecriticalmoment，whentheoldfoolwasleaningoverthechairatanangleofforty-five，andtryingtoreachapointthreeinchesbeyondwhatwaspossibleforhimtoreach，thestringwouldslip，anddownhewouldslideontothepiano，areallyfinemusicaleffectbeingproducedbythesuddennesswithwhichhisheadandbodystruckallthenotesatthesametime。
AndAuntMariawouldsaythatshewouldnotallowthechildrentostandroundandhearsuchlanguage。
Atlast，UnclePodgerwouldgetthespotfixedagain，andputthepointofthenailonitwithhislefthand，andtakethehammerinhisrighthand。And，withthefirstblow，hewouldsmashhisthumb，anddropthehammer，withayell，onsomebody\'stoes。
AuntMariawouldmildlyobservethat，nexttimeUnclePodgerwasgoingtohammeranailintothewall，shehopedhe\'dletherknowintime，sothatshecouldmakearrangementstogoandspendaweekwithhermotherwhileitwasbeingdone。
\"Oh！youwomen，youmakesuchafussovereverything，\"UnclePodgerwouldreply，pickinghimselfup。\"Why，ILIKEdoingalittlejobofthissort。\"
Andthenhewouldhaveanothertry，and，atthesecondblow，thenailwouldgocleanthroughtheplaster，andhalfthehammerafterit，andUnclePodgerbeprecipitatedagainstthewallwithforcenearlysufficienttoflattenhisnose。
Thenwehadtofindtheruleandthestringagain，andanewholewasmade；and，aboutmidnight，thepicturewouldbeup-verycrookedandinsecure，thewallforyardsroundlookingasifithadbeensmootheddownwitharake，andeverybodydeadbeatandwretched-exceptUnclePodger。
\"Thereyouare，\"hewouldsay，steppingheavilyoffthechairontothecharwoman\'scorns，andsurveyingthemesshehadmadewithevidentpride。
\"Why，somepeoplewouldhavehadamanintodoalittlethinglikethat！\"
Harriswillbejustthatsortofmanwhenhegrowsup，Iknow，andItoldhimso。IsaidIcouldnotpermithimtotakesomuchlabouruponhimself。Isaid：
\"No；YOUgetthepaper，andthepencil，andthecatalogue，andGeorgewritedown，andI\'lldothework。\"
Thefirstlistwemadeouthadtobediscarded。ItwasclearthattheupperreachesoftheThameswouldnotallowofthenavigationofaboatsufficientlylargetotakethethingswehadsetdownasindispensable；
sowetorethelistup，andlookedatoneanother！
Georgesaid：
\"Youknowweareonawrongtrackaltogether。Wemustnotthinkofthethingswecoulddowith，butonlyofthethingsthatwecan\'tdowithout。\"
Georgecomesoutreallyquitesensibleattimes。You\'dbesurprised。I
callthatdownrightwisdom，notmerelyasregardsthepresentcase，butwithreferencetoourtripuptheriveroflife，generally。Howmanypeople，onthatvoyage，loaduptheboattillitiseverindangerofswampingwithastoreoffoolishthingswhichtheythinkessentialtothepleasureandcomfortofthetrip，butwhicharereallyonlyuselesslumber。
Howtheypilethepoorlittlecraftmast-highwithfineclothesandbighouses；withuselessservants，andahostofswellfriendsthatdonotcaretwopenceforthem，andthattheydonotcarethreeha\'pencefor；
withexpensiveentertainmentsthatnobodyenjoys，withformalitiesandfashions，withpretenceandostentation，andwith-oh，heaviest，maddestlumberofall！-thedreadofwhatwillmyneighbourthink，withluxuriesthatonlycloy，withpleasuresthatbore，withemptyshowthat，likethecriminal\'sironcrownofyore，makestobleedandswoontheachingheadthatwearsit！
Itislumber，man-alllumber！Throwitoverboard。Itmakestheboatsoheavytopull，younearlyfaintattheoars。Itmakesitsocumbersomeanddangeroustomanage，youneverknowamoment\'sfreedomfromanxietyandcare，nevergainamoment\'srestfordreamylaziness-