’Shewassoonlaidintheground。Andnowtheywereallgone,andhehadcompensatedhimselfwell。
’Hehadamindtotravel。NotthathemeanttowastehisMoney,forhewasapinchingmanandlikedhisMoneydearly(likednothingelse,indeed),but,thathehadgrowntiredofthedesolatehouseandwishedtoturnhisbackuponitandhavedonewithit。But,thehousewasworthMoney,andMoneymustnotbethrownaway。Hedeterminedtosellitbeforehewent。Thatitmightlookthelesswretchedandbringabetterprice,hehiredsomelabourerstoworkintheovergrowngarden;tocutoutthedeadwood,trimtheivythatdroopedinheavymassesoverthewindowsandgables,andclearthewalksinwhichtheweedsweregrowingmid-leghigh。
’Heworked,himself,alongwiththem。Heworkedlaterthantheydid,and,oneeveningatdusk,wasleftworkingalone,withhisbill-hookinhishand。Oneautumnevening,whentheBridewasfiveweeksdead。
’\"Itgrowstoodarktoworklonger,\"hesaidtohimself,\"Imustgiveoverforthenight。\"
’Hedetestedthehouse,andwasloathtoenterit。Helookedatthedarkporchwaitingforhimlikeatomb,andfeltthatitwasanaccursedhouse。Neartotheporch,andneartowherehestood,wasatreewhosebrancheswavedbeforetheoldbay-windowoftheBride’sChamber,whereithadbeendone。Thetreeswungsuddenly,andmadehimstart。Itswungagain,althoughthenightwasstill。
Lookingupintoit,hesawafigureamongthebranches。
’Itwasthefigureofayoungman。Thefacelookeddown,ashislookedup;thebranchescrackedandswayed;thefigurerapidlydescended,andsliduponitsfeetbeforehim。Aslenderyouthofaboutherage,withlonglightbrownhair。
’\"Whatthiefareyou?\"hesaid,seizingtheyouthbythecollar。
’Theyoungman,inshakinghimselffree,swunghimablowwithhisarmacrossthefaceandthroat。Theyclosed,buttheyoungmangotfromhimandsteppedback,crying,withgreateagernessandhorror,\"Don’ttouchme!IwouldaslievebetouchedbytheDevil!\"
’Hestoodstill,withhisbill-hookinhishand,lookingattheyoungman。For,theyoungman’slookwasthecounterpartofherlastlook,andhehadnotexpectedevertoseethatagain。
’\"Iamnothief。EvenifIwere,Iwouldnothaveacoinofyourwealth,ifitwouldbuymetheIndies。Youmurderer!\"
’\"What!\"
’\"Iclimbedit,\"saidtheyoungman,pointingupintothetree,\"forthefirsttime,nighfouryearsago。Iclimbedit,tolookather。Isawher。Ispoketoher。Ihaveclimbedit,manyatime,towatchandlistenforher。Iwasaboy,hiddenamongitsleaves,whenfromthatbay-windowshegavemethis!\"
’Heshowedatressofflaxenhair,tiedwithamourningribbon。
’\"Herlife,\"saidtheyoungman,\"wasalifeofmourning。Shegavemethis,asatokenofit,andasignthatshewasdeadtoeveryonebutyou。IfIhadbeenolder,ifIhadseenhersooner,I
mighthavesavedherfromyou。But,shewasfastinthewebwhenI
firstclimbedthetree,andwhatcouldIdothentobreakit!\"
’Insayingthosewords,heburstintoafitofsobbingandcrying:
weaklyatfirst,thenpassionately。
’\"Murderer!Iclimbedthetreeonthenightwhenyoubroughtherback。Iheardher,fromthetree,speakoftheDeath-watchatthedoor。Iwasthreetimesinthetreewhileyouwereshutupwithher,slowlykillingher。Isawher,fromthetree,liedeaduponherbed。Ihavewatchedyou,fromthetree,forproofsandtracesofyourguilt。Themannerofit,isamysterytomeyet,butI
willpursueyouuntilyouhaverenderedupyourlifetothehangman。Youshallnever,untilthen,beridofme。Ilovedher!
Icanknownorelentingtowardsyou。Murderer,Ilovedher!\"
’Theyouthwasbare-headed,hishathavingflutteredawayinhisdescentfromthetree。Hemovedtowardsthegate。Hehadtopass-Him-togettoit。Therewasbreadthfortwoold-fashionedcarriagesabreast;andtheyouth’sabhorrence,openlyexpressedineveryfeatureofhisfaceandlimbofhisbody,andveryhardtobear,hadvergeenoughtokeepitselfatadistancein。He(bywhichImeantheother)hadnotstirredhandorfoot,sincehehadstoodstilltolookattheboy。Hefacedround,now,tofollowhimwithhiseyes。Asthebackofthebarelight-brownheadwasturnedtohim,hesawaredcurvestretchfromhishandtoit。Heknew,beforehethrewthebill-hook,whereithadalighted-Isay,hadalighted,andnot,wouldalight;for,tohisclearperceptionthethingwasdonebeforehedidit。Itcleftthehead,anditremainedthere,andtheboylayonhisface。
’Heburiedthebodyinthenight,atthefootofthetree。Assoonasitwaslightinthemorning,heworkedatturningupallthegroundnearthetree,andhackingandhewingattheneighbouringbushesandundergrowth。Whenthelabourerscame,therewasnothingsuspicious,andnothingsuspected。
’But,hehad,inamoment,defeatedallhisprecautions,anddestroyedthetriumphoftheschemehehadsolongconcerted,andsosuccessfullyworkedout。HehadgotridoftheBride,andhadacquiredherfortunewithoutendangeringhislife;butnow,foradeathbywhichhehadgainednothing,hehadevermoretolivewitharopearoundhisneck。
’Beyondthis,hewaschainedtothehouseofgloomandhorror,whichhecouldnotendure。Beingafraidtosellitortoquitit,lestdiscoveryshouldbemade,hewasforcedtoliveinit。Hehiredtwooldpeople,manandwife,forhisservants;anddweltinit,anddreadedit。Hisgreatdifficulty,foralongtime,wasthegarden。Whetherheshouldkeepittrim,whetherheshouldsufferittofallintoitsformerstateofneglect,whatwouldbetheleastlikelywayofattractingattentiontoit?
’Hetookthemiddlecourseofgardening,himself,inhiseveningleisure,andofthencallingtheoldserving-mantohelphim;but,ofneverlettinghimworktherealone。Andhemadehimselfanarbouroveragainstthetree,wherehecouldsitandseethatitwassafe。
’Astheseasonschanged,andthetreechanged,hismindperceiveddangersthatwerealwayschanging。Intheleafytime,heperceivedthattheupperboughsweregrowingintotheformoftheyoungman-
thattheymadetheshapeofhimexactly,sittinginaforkedbranchswinginginthewind。Inthetimeofthefallingleaves,heperceivedthattheycamedownfromthetree,formingtell-talelettersonthepath,orthattheyhadatendencytoheapthemselvesintoachurchyardmoundabovethegrave。Inthewinter,whenthetreewasbare,heperceivedthattheboughsswungathimtheghostoftheblowtheyoungmanhadgiven,andthattheythreatenedhimopenly。Inthespring,whenthesapwasmountinginthetrunk,heaskedhimself,werethedried-upparticlesofbloodmountingwithit:tomakeoutmoreobviouslythisyearthanlast,theleaf-
screenedfigureoftheyoungman,swinginginthewind?
’However,heturnedhisMoneyoverandover,andstillover。Hewasinthedarktrade,thegold-dusttrade,andmostsecrettradesthatyieldedgreatreturns。Intenyears,hehadturnedhisMoneyover,somanytimes,thatthetradersandshipperswhohaddealingswithhim,absolutelydidnotlie-foronce-whentheydeclaredthathehadincreasedhisfortune,TwelveHundredPerCent。
’Hepossessedhisrichesonehundredyearsago,whenpeoplecouldbelosteasily。Hehadheardwhotheyouthwas,fromhearingofthesearchthatwasmadeafterhim;but,itdiedaway,andtheyouthwasforgotten。
’Theannualroundofchangesinthetreehadbeenrepeatedtentimessincethenightoftheburialatitsfoot,whentherewasagreatthunder-stormoverthisplace。Itbrokeatmidnight,androareduntilmorning。Thefirstintelligenceheheardfromhisoldserving-manthatmorning,was,thatthetreehadbeenstruckbyLightning。
’Ithadbeenrivendownthestem,inaverysurprisingmanner,andthestemlayintwoblightedshafts:onerestingagainstthehouse,andoneagainstaportionoftheoldredgarden-wallinwhichitsfallhadmadeagap。Thefissurewentdownthetreetoalittleabovetheearth,andtherestopped。Therewasgreatcuriositytoseethetree,and,withmostofhisformerfearsrevived,hesatinhisarbour-grownquiteanoldman-watchingthepeoplewhocametoseeit。
’Theyquicklybegantocome,insuchdangerousnumbers,thatheclosedhisgarden-gateandrefusedtoadmitanymore。But,therewerecertainmenofsciencewhotravelledfromadistancetoexaminethetree,and,inanevilhour,heletthemin!-BlightandMurrainonthem,letthemin!
’Theywantedtodiguptheruinbytheroots,andcloselyexamineit,andtheearthaboutit。Never,whilehelived!Theyofferedmoneyforit。They!Menofscience,whomhecouldhaveboughtbythegross,withascratchofhispen!Heshowedthemthegarden-
gateagain,andlockedandbarredit。
’Buttheywerebentondoingwhattheywantedtodo,andtheybribedtheoldserving-man-athanklesswretchwhoregularlycomplainedwhenhereceivedhiswages,ofbeingunderpaid-andtheystoleintothegardenbynightwiththeirlanterns,picks,andshovels,andfelltoatthetree。Hewaslyinginaturret-roomontheothersideofthehouse(theBride’sChamberhadbeenunoccupiedeversince),buthesoondreamedofpicksandshovels,andgotup。
’Hecametoanupperwindowonthatside,whencehecouldseetheirlanterns,andthem,andthelooseearthinaheapwhichhehadhimselfdisturbedandputback,whenitwaslastturnedtotheair。
Itwasfound!Theyhadthatminutelightedonit。Theywereallbendingoverit。Oneofthemsaid,\"Theskullisfractured;\"andanother,\"Seeherethebones;\"andanother,\"Seeheretheclothes;\"
andthenthefirststruckinagain,andsaid,\"Arustybill-hook!\"
’Hebecamesensible,nextday,thathewasalreadyputunderastrictwatch,andthathecouldgonowherewithoutbeingfollowed。
Beforeaweekwasout,hewastakenandlaidinhold。Thecircumstancesweregraduallypiecedtogetheragainsthim,withadesperatemalignity,andanappallingingenuity。But,seethejusticeofmen,andhowitwasextendedtohim!HewasfurtheraccusedofhavingpoisonedthatgirlintheBride’sChamber。He,whohadcarefullyandexpresslyavoidedimperillingahairofhisheadforher,andwhohadseenherdieofherownincapacity!
’Therewasdoubtforwhichofthetwomurdersheshouldbefirsttried;but,therealonewaschosen,andhewasfoundGuilty,andcastfordeath。Bloodthirstywretches!TheywouldhavemadehimGuiltyofanything,sosettheywereuponhavinghislife。
’Hismoneycoulddonothingtosavehim,andhewashanged。IamHe,andIwashangedatLancasterCastlewithmyfacetothewall,ahundredyearsago!’
Atthisterrificannouncement,Mr。Goodchildtriedtoriseandcryout。But,thetwofierylinesextendingfromtheoldman’seyestohisown,kepthimdown,andhecouldnotutterasound。Hissenseofhearing,however,wasacute,andhecouldheartheclockstrikeTwo。NosoonerhadheheardtheclockstrikeTwo,thanhesawbeforehimTwooldmen!
TWO。
Theeyesofeach,connectedwithhiseyesbytwofilmsoffire:
each,exactlyliketheother:each,addressinghimatpreciselyoneandthesameinstant:each,gnashingthesameteethinthesamehead,withthesametwitchednostrilabovethem,andthesamesuffusedexpressionaroundit。Twooldmen。Differinginnothing,equallydistincttothesight,thecopynofainterthantheoriginal,thesecondasrealasthefirst。
’Atwhattime,’saidtheTwooldmen,’didyouarriveatthedoorbelow?’
’AtSix。’
’AndtherewereSixoldmenuponthestairs!’
Mr。Goodchildhavingwipedtheperspirationfromhisbrow,ortriedtodoit,theTwooldmenproceededinonevoice,andinthesingularnumber:
’Ihadbeenanatomised,buthadnotyethadmyskeletonputtogetherandre-hungonanironhook,whenitbegantobewhisperedthattheBride’sChamberwashaunted。ItWAShaunted,andIwasthere。
’WEwerethere。SheandIwerethere。I,inthechairuponthehearth;she,awhitewreckagain,trailingitselftowardsmeonthefloor。But,Iwasthespeakernomore,andtheonewordthatshesaidtomefrommidnightuntildawnwas,’Live!’
’Theyouthwasthere,likewise。Inthetreeoutsidethewindow。
Comingandgoinginthemoonlight,asthetreebentandgave。Hehas,eversince,beenthere,peepinginatmeinmytorment;
revealingtomebysnatches,inthepalelightsandslateyshadowswherehecomesandgoes,bare-headed-abill-hook,standingedgewiseinhishair。
’IntheBride’sChamber,everynightfrommidnightuntildawn-onemonthintheyearexcepted,asIamgoingtotellyou-hehidesinthetree,andshecomestowardsmeonthefloor;alwaysapproaching;nevercomingnearer;alwaysvisibleasifbymoon-
light,whetherthemoonshinesorno;alwayssaying,frommid-nightuntildawn,heroneword,\"Live!\"
’But,inthemonthwhereinIwasforcedoutofthislife-thispresentmonthofthirtydays-theBride’sChamberisemptyandquiet。Notsomyolddungeon。NotsotheroomswhereIwasrestlessandafraid,tenyears。Botharefitfullyhauntedthen。
AtOneinthemorning。Iamwhatyousawmewhentheclockstruckthathour-Oneoldman。AtTwointhemorning,IamTwooldmen。
AtThree,IamThree。ByTwelveatnoon,IamTwelveoldmen,Oneforeveryhundredpercent。ofoldgain。EveryoneoftheTwelve,withTwelvetimesmyoldpowerofsufferingandagony。FromthathouruntilTwelveatnight,I,Twelveoldmeninanguishandfearfulforeboding,waitforthecomingoftheexecutioner。AtTwelveatnight,I,Twelveoldmenturnedoff,swinginvisibleoutsideLancasterCastle,withTwelvefacestothewall!
’WhentheBride’sChamberwasfirsthaunted,itwasknowntomethatthispunishmentwouldnevercease,untilIcouldmakeitsnature,andmystory,knowntotwolivingmentogether。IwaitedforthecomingoftwolivingmentogetherintotheBride’sChamber,yearsuponyears。Itwasinfusedintomyknowledge(ofthemeansI
amignorant)thatiftwolivingmen,withtheireyesopen,couldbeintheBride’sChamberatOneinthemorning,theywouldseemesittinginmychair。
’Atlength,thewhispersthattheroomwasspirituallytroubled,broughttwomentotrytheadventure。Iwasscarcelystruckuponthehearthatmidnight(IcomethereasiftheLightningblastedmeintobeing),whenIheardthemascendingthestairs。Next,Isawthementer。Oneofthemwasabold,gay,activeman,intheprimeoflife,somefiveandfortyyearsofage;theother,adozenyearsyounger。Theybroughtprovisionswiththeminabasket,andbottles。Ayoungwomanaccompaniedthem,withwoodandcoalsforthelightingofthefire。Whenshehadlightedit,thebold,gay,activemanaccompaniedheralongthegalleryoutsidetheroom,toseehersafelydownthestaircase,andcamebacklaughing。
’Helockedthedoor,examinedthechamber,putoutthecontentsofthebasketonthetablebeforethefire-littlereckingofme,inmyappointedstationonthehearth,closetohim-andfilledtheglasses,andateanddrank。Hiscompaniondidthesame,andwasascheerfulandconfidentashe:thoughhewastheleader。Whentheyhadsupped,theylaidpistolsonthetable,turnedtothefire,andbegantosmoketheirpipesofforeignmake。
’Theyhadtravelledtogether,andhadbeenmuchtogether,andhadanabundanceofsubjectsincommon。Inthemidstoftheirtalkingandlaughing,theyoungermanmadeareferencetotheleader’sbeingalwaysreadyforanyadventure;thatone,oranyother。Herepliedinthesewords:
’\"Notquiteso,Dick;ifIamafraidofnothingelse,Iamafraidofmyself。\"
’Hiscompanionseemingtogrowalittledull,askedhim,inwhatsense?How?
’\"Why,thus,\"hereturned。\"HereisaGhosttobedisproved。
Well!IcannotanswerforwhatmyfancymightdoifIwerealonehere,orwhattricksmysensesmightplaywithmeiftheyhadmetothemselves。But,incompanywithanotherman,andespeciallywithDick,IwouldconsenttooutfacealltheGhoststhatwereeverofintheuniverse。\"
’\"IhadnotthevanitytosupposethatIwasofsomuchimportanceto-night,\"saidtheother。
’\"Ofsomuch,\"rejoinedtheleader,moreseriouslythanhehadspokenyet,\"thatIwould,forthereasonIhavegiven,onnoaccounthaveundertakentopassthenightherealone。\"
’ItwaswithinafewminutesofOne。Theheadoftheyoungermanhaddroopedwhenhemadehislastremark,anditdroopedlowernow。
’\"Keepawake,Dick!\"saidtheleader,gaily。\"Thesmallhoursaretheworst。\"
’Hetried,buthisheaddroopedagain。
’\"Dick!\"urgedtheleader。\"Keepawake!\"
’\"Ican’t,\"heindistinctlymuttered。\"Idon’tknowwhatstrangeinfluenceisstealingoverme。Ican’t。\"
’Hiscompanionlookedathimwithasuddenhorror,andI,inmydifferentway,feltanewhorroralso;for,itwasonthestrokeofOne,andIfeltthatthesecondwatcherwasyieldingtome,andthatthecursewasuponmethatImustsendhimtosleep。
’\"Getupandwalk,Dick!\"criedtheleader。\"Try!\"
’Itwasinvaintogobehindtheslumber’schairandshakehim。
Oneo’clocksounded,andIwaspresenttotheelderman,andhestoodtransfixedbeforeme。
’Tohimalone,Iwasobligedtorelatemystory,withouthopeofbenefit。Tohimalone,Iwasanawfulphantommakingaquiteuselessconfession。Iforeseeitwilleverbethesame。Thetwolivingmentogetherwillnevercometoreleaseme。WhenIappear,thesensesofoneofthetwowillbelockedinsleep;hewillneitherseenorhearme;mycommunicationwilleverbemadetoasolitarylistener,andwilleverbeunserviceable。Woe!Woe!
Woe!’
AstheTwooldmen,withthesewords,wrungtheirhands,itshotintoMr。Goodchild’smindthathewasintheterriblesituationofbeingvirtuallyalonewiththespectre,andthatMr。Idle’simmoveabilitywasexplainedbyhishavingbeencharmedasleepatOneo’clock。Intheterrorofthissuddendiscoverywhichproducedanindescribabledread,hestruggledsohardtogetfreefromthefourfierythreads,thathesnappedthem,afterhehadpulledthemouttoagreatwidth。Beingthenoutofbonds,hecaughtupMr。
Idlefromthesofaandrusheddown-stairswithhim。
’Whatareyouabout,Francis?’demandedMr。Idle。’Mybedroomisnotdownhere。Whatthedeuceareyoucarryingmeatallfor?I
canwalkwithasticknow。Idon’twanttobecarried。Putmedown。’
Mr。Goodchildputhimdownintheoldhall,andlookedabouthimwildly。
’Whatareyoudoing?Idioticallyplungingatyourownsex,andrescuingthemorperishingintheattempt?’askedMr。Idle,inahighlypetulantstate。
’TheOneoldman!’criedMr。Goodchild,distractedly,-’andtheTwooldmen!’
Mr。Idledeignednootherreplythan’TheOneoldwoman,Ithinkyoumean,’ashebeganhobblinghiswaybackupthestaircase,withtheassistanceofitsbroadbalustrade。
’Iassureyou,Tom,’beganMr。Goodchild,attendingathisside,’thatsinceyoufellasleep-’
’Come,Ilikethat!’saidThomasIdle,’Ihaven’tclosedaneye!’
Withthepeculiarsensitivenessonthesubjectofthedisgracefulactionofgoingtosleepoutofbed,whichisthelotofallmankind,Mr。Idlepersistedinthisdeclaration。ThesamepeculiarsensitivenessimpelledMr。Goodchild,onbeingtaxedwiththesamecrime,torepudiateitwithhonourableresentment。ThesettlementofthequestionofTheOneoldmanandTheTwooldmenwasthuspresentlycomplicated,andsoonmadequiteimpracticable。Mr。IdlesaiditwasallBride-cake,andfragments,newlyarranged,ofthingsseenandthoughtaboutintheday。Mr。Goodchildsaidhowcouldthatbe,whenhehadn’tbeenasleep,andwhatrightcouldMr。
Idlehavetosayso,whohadbeenasleep?Mr。Idlesaidhehadneverbeenasleep,andneverdidgotosleep,andthatMr。
Goodchild,asageneralrule,wasalwaysasleep。Theyconsequentlypartedfortherestofthenight,attheirbedroomdoors,alittleruffled。Mr。Goodchild’slastwordswere,thathehadhad,inthatrealandtangibleoldsitting-roomofthatrealandtangibleoldInn(hesupposedMr。Idledenieditsexistence?),everysensationandexperience,thepresentrecordofwhichisnowwithinalineortwoofcompletion;andthathewouldwriteitoutandprintiteveryword。Mr。Idlereturnedthathemightifheliked-andhedidlike,andhasnowdoneit。
CHAPTERV
TwoofthemanypassengersbyacertainlateSundayeveningtrain,Mr。ThomasIdleandMr。FrancisGoodchild,yieldeduptheirticketsatalittlerottenplatform(convertedintoartificialtouchwoodbysmokeandashes),deepinthemanufacturingbosomofYorkshire。A
mysteriousbosomitappeared,uponadamp,dark,Sundaynight,dashedthroughinthetraintothemusicofthewhirlingwheels,thepantingoftheengine,andthepart-singingofhundredsofthird-classexcursionists,whosevocalefforts’bobbedarayound’
fromsacredtoprofane,fromhymns,toourtransatlanticsisterstheYankeeGalandMairyAnne,inaremarkableway。Thereseemedtohavebeensomelargevocalgatheringneartoeverylonelystationontheline。Notownwasvisible,novillagewasvisible,nolightwasvisible;but,amultitudegotoutsinging,andamultitudegotinsinging,andthesecondmultitudetookupthehymns,andadoptedourtransatlanticsisters,andsangoftheirownegregiouswickedness,andoftheirbobbingarayound,andofhowtheshipitwasreadyandthewinditwasfair,andtheywerebayoundforthesea,MairyAnne,untiltheyintheirturnbecameagetting-
outmultitude,andwerereplacedbyanothergetting-inmultitude,whodidthesame。Andateverystation,thegetting-inmultitude,withanartisticreferencetothecompletenessoftheirchorus,incessantlycried,aswithonevoicewhilescufflingintothecarriages,’Wemunaa’gangtoogither!’
Thesingingandthemultitudeshadtrailedoffasthelonelyplaceswereleftandthegreattownswereneared,andthewayhadlainassilentlyasatrain’swayevercan,overthevagueblackstreetsofthegreatgulfsoftowns,andamongtheirbranchlesswoodsofvagueblackchimneys。Thesetownslooked,inthecinderouswet,asthoughtheyhadoneandallbeenonfireandwerejustputout-adrearyandquenchedpanorama,manymileslong。
Thus,ThomasandFrancisgottoLeeds;ofwhichenterprisingandimportantcommercialcentreitmaybeobservedwithdelicacy,thatyoumusteitherlikeitverymuchornotatall。Nextday,thefirstoftheRace-Week,theytooktraintoDoncaster。
Andinstantlythecharacter,bothoftravellersandofluggage,entirelychanged,andnootherbusinessthanrace-businessanylongerexistedonthefaceoftheearth。Thetalkwasallofhorsesand’JohnScott。’Guardswhisperedbehindtheirhandstostation-masters,ofhorsesandJohnScott。Menincut-awaycoatsandspeckledcravatsfastenedwithpeculiarpins,andwiththelargebonesoftheirlegsdevelopedundertighttrousers,sothattheyshouldlookasmuchaspossiblelikehorses’legs,pacedupanddownbytwosatjunction-stations,speakinglowandmoodilyofhorsesandJohnScott。Theyoungclergymanintheblackstrait-
waistcoat,whooccupiedthemiddleseatofthecarriage,expoundedinhispeculiarpulpit-accenttotheyoungandlovelyReverendMrs。
Crinoline,whooccupiedtheoppositemiddle-seat,afewpassagesofrumourrelativeto’Oartheth,mylove,andMithterJohnEth-COTT。’
Abandyvagabond,withaheadlikeaDutchcheese,inafustianstable-suit,attendingonahorse-boxandgoingabouttheplatformswithahalterhangingroundhisnecklikeaCalaisburgheroftheancientperiodmuchdegenerated,wascourtedbythebestsociety,byreasonofwhathehadtohint,whennotengagedineatingstraw,concerning’t’harsesandJoonScott。’Theengine-driverhimself,asheappliedoneeyetohislargestationarydouble-eye-glassontheengine,seemedtokeeptheotheropen,sideways,uponhorsesandJohnScott。
BreaksandbarriersatDoncasterStationtokeepthecrowdoff;
temporarywoodenavenuesofingressandegress,tohelpthecrowdon。FortyextraporterssentdownforthispresentblessedRace-
Week,andallofthemmakinguptheirbetting-booksinthelamp-
roomorsomewhereelse,andnoneofthemtocomeandtouchtheluggage。Travellersdisgorgedintoanopenspace,ahowlingwildernessofidlemen。Allworkbutrace-workatastand-still;
allmenatastand-still。’Eymyword!Deantasknoono’ustohelpwi’t’luggage。Bockyouropinionloikeamon。Coom!Dangit,coom,t’harsesandJoonScott!’Inthemidstoftheidlemen,alltheflyhorsesandomnibushorsesofDoncasterandpartsadjacent,rampant,rearing,backing,plunging,shying-apparentlytheresultoftheirhearingofnothingbuttheirownorderandJohnScott。
GrandDramaticCompanyfromLondonfortheRace-Week。PosesPlastiquesintheGrandAssemblyRoomuptheStable-Yardatsevenandnineeachevening,fortheRace-Week。GrandAllianceCircusinthefieldbeyondthebridge,fortheRace-Week。GrandExhibitionofAztecLilliputians,importanttoallwhowanttobehorrifiedcheap,fortheRace-Week。Lodgings,grandandnotgrand,butallatgrandprices,rangingfromtenpoundstotwenty,fortheGrandRace-Week!
Renderedgiddyenoughbythesethings,MessieursIdleandGoodchildrepairedtothequarterstheyhadsecuredbeforehand,andMr。
Goodchildlookeddownfromthewindowintothesurgingstreet。
’ByHeaven,Tom!’criedhe,aftercontemplatingit,’IamintheLunaticAsylumagain,andtheseareallmadpeopleunderthechargeofabodyofdesigningkeepers!’
AllthroughtheRace-Week,Mr。Goodchildneverdivestedhimselfofthisidea。Everydayhelookedoutofwindow,withsomethingofthedreadofLemuelGulliverlookingdownatmenafterhereturnedhomefromthehorse-country;andeverydayhesawtheLunatics,horse-mad,betting-mad,drunken-mad,vice-mad,andthedesigningKeepersalwaysafterthem。Theideapervaded,likethesecondcolourinshot-silk,thewholeofMr。Goodchild’simpressions。
Theyweremuchasfollows:
Monday,mid-day。Racesnottobeginuntilto-morrow,butallthemob-Lunaticsout,crowdingthepavementsoftheonemainstreetofprettyandpleasantDoncaster,crowdingtheroad,particularlycrowdingtheoutsideoftheBettingRooms,whoopingandshoutingloudlyafterallpassingvehicles。Frightenedlunatichorsesoccasionallyrunningaway,withinfiniteclatter。Alldegreesofmen,frompeerstopaupers,bettingincessantly。Keepersverywatchful,andtakingallgoodchances。AnawfulfamilylikenessamongtheKeepers,toMr。PalmerandMr。Thurtell。Withsomeknowledgeofexpressionandsomeacquaintancewithheads(thuswritesMr。Goodchild),Ineverhaveseenanywhere,somanyrepetitionsofoneclassofcountenanceandonecharacterofhead(bothevil)asinthisstreetatthistime。Cunning,covetousness,secrecy,coldcalculation,hardcallousnessanddireinsensibility,aretheuniformKeepercharacteristics。Mr。Palmerpassesmefivetimesinfiveminutes,and,soIgodownthestreet,thebackofMr。Thurtell’sskullisalwaysgoingonbeforeme。
Mondayevening。Townlightedup;moreLunaticsoutthanever;acompletechokeandstoppageofthethoroughfareoutsidetheBettingRooms。Keepers,havingdined,pervadetheBettingRooms,andsharplysnapatthemoneyedLunatics。SomeKeepersflushedwithdrink,andsomenot,butallcloseandcalculating。Avagueechoingroarof’t’harses’and’t’races’alwaysrisingintheair,untilmidnight,ataboutwhichperioditdiesawayinoccasionaldrunkensongsandstragglingyells。But,allnight,someunmannerlydrinking-houseintheneighbourhoodopensitsmouthatintervalsandspitsoutamantoodrunktoberetained:whothereuponmakeswhatuproariousprotestmaybeleftinhim,andeitherfallsasleepwherehetumbles,oriscarriedoffincustody。
Tuesdaymorning,atdaybreak。Asuddenrising,asitwereoutoftheearth,ofalltheobscenecreatures,whosell’correctcardsoftheraces。’Theymayhavebeencoiledincorners,orsleepingondoor-steps,and,havingallpassedthenightunderthesamesetofcircumstances,mayallwanttocirculatetheirbloodatthesametime;but,howeverthatmaybe,theyspringintoexistenceallatonceandtogether,asthoughanewCadmushadsownarace-horse’steeth。Thereisnobodyup,tobuythecards;but,thecardsaremadlycried。Thereisnopatronagetoquarrelfor;but,theymadlyquarrelandfight。Conspicuousamongthesehyaenas,asbreakfast-
timediscloses,isafearfulcreatureinthegeneralsemblanceofaman:shakenoffhisnext-to-nolegsbydrinkanddevilry,bare-
headedandbare-footed,withagreatshockofhairlikeahorriblebroom,andnothingonhimbutaraggedpairoftrousersandapinkglazed-calicocoat-madeonhim-soverytightthatitisasevidentthathecouldnevertakeitoff,asthatheneverdoes。
Thishideousapparition,inconceivablydrunk,hasaterriblepowerofmakingagong-likeimitationofthebrayingofanass:whichfeatrequiresthatheshouldlayhisrightjawinhisbegrimedrightpaw,doublehimselfup,andshakehisbrayoutofhimself,withmuchstaggeringonhisnext-to-nolegs,andmuchtwirlingofhishorriblebroom,asifitwereamop。Fromthepresentminute,whenhecomesinsightholdinguphiscardstothewindows,andhoarselyproposingpurchasetoMyLord,YourExcellency,Colonel,theNobleCaptain,andYourHonourableWorship-fromthepresentminuteuntiltheGrandRace-Weekisfinished,atallhoursofthemorning,evening,day,andnight,shallthetownreverberate,atcapriciousintervals,tothebraysofthisfrightfulanimaltheGong-donkey。
Noverygreatracingto-day,sonoverygreatamountofvehicles:
thoughthereisagoodsprinkling,too:fromfarmers’cartsandgigs,tocarriageswithpost-horsesandtofours-in-hand,mostlycomingbytheroadfromYork,andpassingonstraightthroughthemainstreettotheCourse。AwalkinthewrongdirectionmaybeabetterthingforMr。Goodchildto-daythantheCourse,sohewalksinthewrongdirection。Everybodygonetotheraces。Onlychildreninthestreet。GrandAllianceCircusdeserted;notoneStar-Riderleft;omnibuswhichformsthePay-Place,havingonseparatepanelsPayherefortheBoxes,PayhereforthePit,PayherefortheGallery,hovedowninacornerandlockedup;nobodynearthetentbutthemanonhiskneesonthegrass,whoismakingthepaperballoonsfortheStaryounggentlementojumpthroughto-
night。Apleasantroad,pleasantlywooded。Nolabourersworkinginthefields;allgone’t’races。’Thefewlatewendersoftheirway’t’races,’whoareyetleftdrivingontheroad,stareinamazementatthereclusewhoisnotgoing’t’races。’Roadsideinnkeeperhasgone’t’races。’Turnpike-manhasgone’t’races。’
Histhriftywife,washingclothesatthetoll-housedoor,isgoing’t’races’to-morrow。Perhapstheremaybenoonelefttotakethetollto-morrow;whoknows?Thoughassuredlythatwouldbeneitherturnpike-likenorYorkshire-like。Theverywindanddustseemtobehurrying’t’races,’astheybrisklypasstheonlywayfarerontheroad。Inthedistance,theRailwayEngine,waitingatthetown-end,shrieksdespairingly。NothingbutthedifficultyofgettingofftheLine,restrainsthatEnginefromgoing’t’races,’
too,itisveryclear。
Atnight,moreLunaticsoutthanlastnight-andmoreKeepers。
ThelatterveryactiveattheBettingRooms,thestreetinfrontofwhichisnowimpassable。Mr。Palmerasbefore。Mr。Thurtellasbefore。Roaranduproarasbefore。Gradualsubsidenceasbefore。
Unmannerlydrinking-houseexpectoratesasbefore。Drunkennegro-
melodists,Gong-donkey,andcorrectcards,inthenight。
OnWednesdaymorning,themorningofthegreatSt。Leger,itbecomesapparentthattherehasbeenagreatinfluxsinceyesterday,bothofLunaticsandKeepers。Thefamiliesofthetradesmenoverthewayarenolongerwithinhumanken;theirplacesknowthemnomore;ten,fifteen,andtwentyguinea-lodgersfillthem。Atthepastry-cook’ssecond-floorwindow,aKeeperisbrushingMr。Thurtell’shair-thinkingithisown。Inthewax-
chandler’sattic,anotherKeeperisputtingonMr。Palmer’sbraces。
Inthegunsmith’snursery,aLunaticisshavinghimself。Intheseriousstationer’sbestsitting-room,threeLunaticsaretakingacombination-breakfast,praisingthe(cook’s)devil,anddrinkingneatbrandyinanatmosphereoflastmidnight’scigars。NofamilysanctuaryisfreefromourAngelicmessengers-weputupattheAngel-whointheguiseofextrawaitersforthegrandRace-Week,rattleinandoutofthemostsecretchambersofeverybody’shouse,withdishesandtincovers,decanters,soda-waterbottles,andglasses。Anhourlater。Downthestreetandupthestreet,asfaraseyescanseeandagooddealfarther,thereisadensecrowd;
outsidetheBettingRoomsitislikeagreatstruggleatatheatredoor-inthedaysoftheatres;oratthevestibuleoftheSpurgeontemple-inthedaysofSpurgeon。Anhourlater。Fusingintothiscrowd,andsomehowgettingthroughit,areallkindsofconveyances,andallkindsoffoot-passengers;carts,withbrick-
makersandbrick-makeressesjoltingupanddownonplanks;drags,withtheneedfulgroomsbehind,sittingcross-armedintheneedfulmanner,andslantingthemselvesbackwardfromthesolesoftheirbootsattheneedfulangle;postboys,intheshininghatsandsmartjacketsoftheoldentime,whenstokerswerenot;beautifulYorkshirehorses,gallantlydrivenbytheirownbreedersandmasters。Undereverypole,andeveryshaft,andeveryhorse,andeverywheelasitwouldseem,theGong-donkey-metallicallybraying,whennotstrugglingforlife,orwhippedoutoftheway。
Byoneo’clock,allthisstirhasgoneoutofthestreets,andthereisnooneleftinthembutFrancisGoodchild。FrancisGoodchildwillnotbeleftinthemlong;for,hetooisonhisway,’t’races。’
Amostbeautifulsight,FrancisGoodchildfinds’t’races’tobe,whenhehasleftfairDoncasterbehindhim,andcomesoutonthefreecourse,withitsagreeableprospect,itsquaintRedHouseoddlychangingandturningasFrancisturns,itsgreengrass,andfreshheath。Afreecourseandaneasyone,whereFranciscanrollsmoothlywherehewill,andcanchoosebetweenthestart,orthecoming-in,ortheturnbehindthebrowofthehill,oranyout-of-
the-waypointwhereheliststoseethethrobbinghorsesstrainingeverynerve,andmakingthesympatheticearththrobastheycomeby。Francismuchdelightstobe,notintheGrandStand,butwherehecanseeit,risingagainsttheskywithitsvasttiersoflittlewhitedotsoffaces,anditslasthighrowsandcornersofpeople,lookinglikepinsstuckintoanenormouspincushion-notquitesosymmetricallyashisorderlyeyecouldwish,whenpeoplechangeorgoaway。Whentheraceisnearlyrunout,itisasgoodastheracetohimtoseetheflutteramongthepins,andthechangeinthemfromdarktolight,ashatsaretakenoffandwaved。Notlessfullofinterest,theloudanticipationofthewinner’sname,theswelling,andthefinal,roar;then,thequickdroppingofallthepinsoutoftheirplaces,therevelationoftheshapeofthebarepincushion,andtheclosing-inofthewholehostofLunaticsandKeepers,intherearofthethreehorseswithbright-colouredriders,whohavenotyetquitesubduedtheirgallopthoughthecontestisover。
Mr。Goodchildwouldappeartohavebeenbynomeansfreefromlunacyhimselfat’t’races,’thoughnotoftheprevalentkind。HeissuspectedbyMr。Idletohavefallenintoadreadfulstateconcerningapairoflittlelilacglovesandalittlebonnetthathesawthere。Mr。Idleasserts,thathedidafterwardsrepeatattheAngel,withanappearanceofbeinglunaticallyseized,somerhapsodytothefollowingeffect:’Olittlelilacgloves!AndO
winninglittlebonnet,makinginconjunctionwithhergoldenhairquiteaGloryinthesunlightroundtheprettyhead,whyanythingintheworldbutyouandme!Whymaynotthisday’srunning-ofhorses,toalltherest:ofprecioussandsoflifetome-beprolongedthroughaneverlastingautumn-sunshine,withoutasunset!
SlaveoftheLamp,orRing,strikemeyondergallantequestrianClerkoftheCourse,inthescarletcoat,motionlessonthegreengrassforages!FriendlyDevilonTwoSticks,fortentimestenthousandsyears,keepBlink-Bonnyjibbingatthepost,andletushavenostart!Arabdrums,powerfulofoldtosummonGeniiinthedesert,soundofyourselvesandraiseatroopformeinthedesertofmyheart,whichshallsoenchantthisdustybarouche(withaconspicuousexcise-plate,resemblingtheCollector’sdoor-plateataturnpike),thatI,withinit,lovingthelittlelilacgloves,thewinninglittlebonnet,andthedearunknown-wearerwiththegoldenhair,maywaitbyhersideforever,toseeaGreatSt。Legerthatshallneverberun!’
Thursdaymorning。Afteratremendousnightofcrowding,shouting,drinking-houseexpectoration,Gong-donkey,andcorrectcards。
Symptomsofyesterday’sgainsinthewayofdrink,andofyesterday’slossesinthewayofmoney,abundant。Money-lossesverygreat。Asusual,nobodyseemstohavewon;but,largelossesandmanylosersareunquestionablefacts。BothLunaticsandKeepers,ingeneralverylow。Severalofbothkindslookinatthechemist’swhileMr。Goodchildismakingapurchasethere,tobe’pickedup。’Onered-eyedLunatic,flushed,faded,anddisordered,entershurriedlyandcriessavagely,’Hondusaglossofsalvolatileinwather,orsoomdommedthingo’thotsart!’FacesattheBettingRoomsverylong,andatendencytobitenailsobservable。Keeperslikewisegiventhismorningtostandingaboutsolitary,withtheirhandsintheirpockets,lookingdownattheirbootsastheyfitthemintocracksofthepavement,andthenlookingupwhistlingandwalkingaway。GrandAllianceCircusout,inprocession;buxomlady-memberofGrandAlliance,incrimsonriding-habit,freshertolookat,eveninherpaintunderthedaysky,thanthecheeksofLunaticsorKeepers。SpanishCavalierappearstohavelostyesterday,andjingleshisbossedbridlewithdisgust,asifhewerepaying。ReactionalsoapparentattheGuildhallopposite,whencecertainpickpocketscomeouthandcuffedtogether,withthatpeculiarwalkwhichisneverseenunderanyothercircumstances-awalkexpressiveofgoingtojail,game,butstillofjailsbeinginbadtasteandarbitrary,andhowwouldYOU
likeitifitwasyouinsteadofme,asitoughttobe!Mid-day。
Townfilledasyesterday,butnotsofull;andemptiedasyesterday,butnotsoempty。Intheevening,AngelordinarywhereeveryLunaticandKeeperhashismodestdailymealofturtle,venison,andwine,notsocrowdedasyesterday,andnotsonoisy。
Atnight,thetheatre。Moreabstractedfacesinitthanoneeverseesatpublicassemblies;suchfaceswearinganexpressionwhichstronglyremindsMr。Goodchildoftheboysatschoolwhowere’goingupnext,’withtheirarithmeticormathematics。Theseboysare,nodoubt,goingupto-morrowwithTHEIRsumsandfigures。Mr。
PalmerandMr。ThurtellintheboxesO。P。Mr。ThurtellandMr。
PalmerintheboxesP。S。ThefirmofThurtell,Palmer,andThurtell,intheboxesCentre。Amostodioustendencyobservableinthesedistinguishedgentlementoputvileconstructionsonsufficientlyinnocentphrasesintheplay,andthentoapplaudtheminaSatyr-likemanner。BehindMr。Goodchild,withapartyofotherLunaticsandoneKeeper,theexpressincarnationofthethingcalleda’gent。’Agentlemanborn;agentmanufactured。A
somethingwithascarfrounditsneck,andaslipshodspeechissuingfrombehindthescarf;moredepraved,morefoolish,moreignorant,moreunabletobelieveinanynobleorgoodthingofanykind,thanthestupidestBosjesman。Thethingisbutaboyinyears,andisaddledwithdrink。Todoitscompanyjustice,evenitscompanyisashamedofit,asitdrawlsitsslangcriticismsontherepresentation,andinflamesMr。Goodchildwithaburningardourtoflingitintothepit。Itsremarksaresohorrible,thatMr。Goodchild,forthemoment,evendoubtswhetherthatISawholesomeArt,whichsetswomenapartonahighfloorbeforesuchathingasthis,thoughasgoodasitsownsisters,oritsownmother-whomHeavenforgiveforbringingitintotheworld!But,theconsiderationthatalownaturemustmakealowworldofitsowntolivein,whatevertherealmaterials,oritcouldnomoreexistthananyofuscouldwithoutthesenseoftouch,bringsMr。
Goodchildtoreason:therather,becausethethingsoondropsitsdownychinuponitsscarf,andslobbersitselfasleep。
FridayMorning。Earlyfights。Gong-donkey,andcorrectcards。
Again,agreatsettowardstheraces,thoughnotsogreatasetasonWednesday。Muchpackinggoingontoo,upstairsatthegun-
smith’s,thewax-chandler’s,andtheseriousstationer’s;fortherewillbeaheavydriftofLunaticsandKeeperstoLondonbytheafternoontrain。Thecourseasprettyasever;thegreatpincushionaslikeapincushion,butnotnearlysofullofpins;
wholerowsofpinswanting。Onthegreateventoftheday,bothLunaticsandKeepersbecomeinspiredwithrage;andthereisaviolentscuffling,andarushingatthelosingjockey,andanemergenceofthesaidjockeyfromaswayingandmenacingcrowd,protectedbyfriends,andlookingtheworseforwear;whichisaroughproceeding,thoughanimatingtoseefromapleasantdistance。
Afterthegreatevent,rillsbegintoflowfromthepincushiontowardstherailroad;therillsswellintorivers;theriverssoonuniteintoalake。ThelakefloatsMr。GoodchildintoDoncaster,pasttheItinerantpersonageinblack,bytheway-sidetellinghimfromthevantagegroundofalegiblyprintedplacardonapolethatforallthesethingstheLordwillbringhimtojudgment。Noturtleandvenisonordinarythisevening;thatisallover。NoBettingattherooms;nothingtherebuttheplantsinpots,whichhave,alltheweek,beenstoodabouttheentrytogiveitaninnocentappearance,andwhichhavesorelysickenedbythistime。
Saturday。Mr。Idlewishestoknowatbreakfast,whatwerethosedreadfulgroaningsinhisbedroomdoorwayinthenight?Mr。
Goodchildanswers,Nightmare。Mr。Idlerepelsthecalumny,andcallsthewaiter。TheAngelisverysorry-hadintendedtoexplain;butyousee,gentlemen,therewasagentlemandineddown-
stairswithtwomore,andhehadlostadealofmoney,andhewoulddrinkadealofwine,andinthenighthe’tookthehorrors,’andgotup;andashisfriendscoulddonothingwithhimhelaidhimselfdownandgroanedatMr。Idle’sdoor。’AndheDIDgroanthere,’Mr。Idlesays;’andyouwillpleasetoimaginemeinside,\"takingthehorrors\"too!’
Sofar,thepictureofDoncasterontheoccasionofitsgreatsportinganniversary,offersprobablyageneralrepresentationofthesocialconditionofthetown,inthepastaswellasinthepresenttime。Thesolelocalphenomenonofthecurrentyear,whichmaybeconsideredasentirelyunprecedentedinitsway,andwhichcertainlyclaims,onthataccount,someslightshareofnotice,consistsintheactualexistenceofoneremarkableindividual,whoissojourninginDoncaster,andwho,neitherdirectlynorindirectly,hasanythingatalltodo,inanycapacitywhatever,withtheracingamusementsoftheweek。Rangingthroughouttheentirecrowdthatfillsthetown,andincludingtheinhabitantsaswellasthevisitors,nobodyistobefoundaltogetherdisconnectedwiththebusinessoftheday,exceptingthisoneunparalleledman。
Hedoesnotbetontheraces,likethesportingmen。Hedoesnotassisttheraces,likethejockeys,starters,judges,andgrooms。
Hedoesnotlookonattheraces,likeMr。Goodchildandhisfellow-spectators。Hedoesnotprofitbytheraces,likethehotel-keepersandthetradespeople。Hedoesnotministertothenecessitiesoftheraces,likethebooth-keepers,thepostilions,thewaiters,andthehawkersofLists。Hedoesnotassisttheattractionsoftheraces,liketheactorsatthetheatre,theridersatthecircus,ortheposturersatthePosesPlastiques。
Absolutelyandliterally,heistheonlyindividualinDoncasterwhostandsbythebrinkofthefull-flowingrace-stream,andisnotsweptawaybyitincommonwithalltherestofhisspecies。Whoisthismodernhermit,thisrecluseoftheSt。Leger-week,thisinscrutablyungregariousbeing,wholivesapartfromtheamusementsandactivitiesofhisfellow-creatures?Surely,thereislittledifficultyinguessingthatclearestandeasiestofallriddles。
Whocouldhebe,butMr。ThomasIdle?
ThomashadsufferedhimselftobetakentoDoncaster,justashewouldhavesufferedhimselftobetakentoanyotherplaceinthehabitableglobewhichwouldguaranteehimthetemporarypossessionofacomfortablesofatoresthisankleon。Onceestablishedatthehotel,withhislegononecushionandhisbackagainstanother,heformallydeclinedtakingtheslightestinterestinanycircumstancewhateverconnectedwiththeraces,orwiththepeoplewhowereassembledtoseethem。FrancisGoodchild,anxiousthatthehoursshouldpassbyhiscrippledtravelling-companionaslightlyaspossible,suggestedthathissofashouldbemovedtothewindow,andthatheshouldamusehimselfbylookingoutatthemovingpanoramaofhumanity,whichtheviewfromitoftheprincipalstreetpresented。Thomas,however,steadilydeclinedprofitingbythesuggestion。
’ThefartherIamfromthewindow,’hesaid,’thebetter,BrotherFrancis,Ishallbepleased。Ihavenothingincommonwiththeoneprevalentideaofallthosepeoplewhoarepassinginthestreet。
WhyshouldIcaretolookatthem?’
’IhopeIhavenothingincommonwiththeprevalentideaofagreatmanyofthem,either,’answeredGoodchild,thinkingofthesportinggentlemenwhomhehadmetinthecourseofhiswanderingsaboutDoncaster。’But,surely,amongallthepeoplewhoarewalkingbythehouse,atthisverymoment,youmayfind-’
’Notonelivingcreature,’interposedThomas,’whoisnot,inonewayoranother,interestedinhorses,andwhoisnot,inagreaterorlessdegree,anadmirerofthem。Now,Iholdopinionsinreferencetotheseparticularmembersofthequadrupedcreation,whichmaylayclaim(asIbelieve)tothedisastrousdistinctionofbeingunpartakenbyanyotherhumanbeing,civilisedorsavage,overthewholesurfaceoftheearth。Takingthehorseasananimalintheabstract,Francis,Icordiallydespisehimfromeverypointofview。’
’Thomas,’saidGoodchild,’confinementtothehousehasbeguntoaffectyourbiliarysecretions。Ishallgotothechemist’sandgetyousomephysic。’
’Iobject,’continuedThomas,quietlypossessinghimselfofhisfriend’shat,whichstoodonatablenearhim,-’Iobject,first,tothepersonalappearanceofthehorse。Iprotestagainsttheconventionalideaofbeauty,asattachedtothatanimal。Ithinkhisnosetoolong,hisforeheadtoolow,andhislegs(exceptinthecaseofthecart-horse)ridiculouslythinbycomparisonwiththesizeofhisbody。Again,consideringhowbigananimalheis,Iobjecttothecontemptibledelicacyofhisconstitution。Ishenotthesickliestcreatureincreation?Doesanychildcatchcoldaseasilyasahorse?Doeshenotsprainhisfetlock,forallhisappearanceofsuperiorstrength,aseasilyasIsprainedmyankle!
Furthermore,totakehimfromanotherpointofview,whatahelplesswretchheis!Nofineladyrequiresmoreconstantwaiting-onthanahorse。Otheranimalscanmaketheirowntoilette:hemusthaveagroom。Youwilltellmethatthisisbecausewewanttomakehiscoatartificiallyglossy。Glossy!
Comehomewithme,andseemycat,-myclevercat,whocangroomherself!Lookatyourowndog!seehowtheintelligentcreaturecurry-combshimselfwithhisownhonestteeth!Then,again,whatafoolthehorseis,whatapoor,nervousfool!Hewillstartatapieceofwhitepaperintheroadasifitwasalion。Hisoneidea,whenhehearsanoisethatheisnotaccustomedto,istorunawayfromit。Whatdoyousaytothosetwocommoninstancesofthesenseandcourageofthisabsurdlyoverpraisedanimal?Imightmultiplythemtotwohundred,ifIchosetoexertmymindandwastemybreath,whichIneverdo。Iprefercomingatoncetomylastchargeagainstthehorse,whichisthemostseriousofall,becauseitaffectshismoralcharacter。Iaccusehimboldly,inhiscapacityofservanttoman,ofslynessandtreachery。Ibrandhimpublicly,nomatterhowmildhemaylookabouttheeyes,orhowsleekhemaybeaboutthecoat,asasystematicbetrayer,wheneverhecangetthechance,oftheconfidencereposedinhim。Whatdoyoumeanbylaughingandshakingyourheadatme?’
’Oh,Thomas,Thomas!’saidGoodchild。’Youhadbettergivememyhat;youhadbetterletmegetyouthatphysic。’
’Iwillletyougetanythingyoulike,includingacomposingdraughtforyourself,’saidThomas,irritablyalludingtohisfellow-apprentice’sinexhaustibleactivity,’ifyouwillonlysitquietforfiveminuteslonger,andhearmeout。Isayagainthehorseisabetrayeroftheconfidencereposedinhim;andthatopinion,letmeadd,isdrawnfrommyownpersonalexperience,andisnotbasedonanyfancifultheorywhatever。Youshallhavetwoinstances,twooverwhelminginstances。Letmestartthefirstofthesebyasking,whatisthedistinguishingqualitywhichtheShetlandPonyhasarrogatedtohimself,andisstillperpetuallytrumpetingthroughtheworldbymeansofpopularreportandbooksonNaturalHistory?Iseetheanswerinyourface:itisthequalityofbeingSure-Footed。Heprofessestohaveothervirtues,suchashardinessandstrength,whichyoumaydiscoverontrial;
buttheonethingwhichheinsistsonyourbelieving,whenyougetonhisback,isthathemaybesafelydependedonnottotumbledownwithyou。Verygood。Someyearsago,IwasinShetlandwithapartyoffriends。Theyinsistedontakingmewiththemtothetopofaprecipicethatoverhungthesea。Itwasagreatdistanceoff,buttheyalldeterminedtowalktoitexceptme。IwaswiserthenthanIwaswithyouatCarrock,andIdeterminedtobecarriedtotheprecipice。Therewasnocarriage-roadintheisland,andnobodyoffered(inconsequence,asIsuppose,oftheimperfectly-
civilisedstateofthecountry)tobringmeasedan-chair,whichisnaturallywhatIshouldhavelikedbest。AShetlandponywasproducedinstead。IrememberedmyNaturalHistory,Irecalledpopularreport,andIgotonthelittlebeast’sback,asanyothermanwouldhavedoneinmyposition,placingimplicitconfidenceinthesurenessofhisfeet。Andhowdidherepaythatconfidence?
BrotherFrancis,carryyourmindonfrommorningtonoon。Picturetoyourselfahowlingwildernessofgrassandbog,boundedbylowstonyhills。Pickoutoneparticularspotinthatimaginaryscene,andsketchmeinit,withoutstretchedarms,curvedback,andheelsintheair,plungingheadforemostintoablackpatchofwaterandmud。Placejustbehindmethelegs,thebody,andtheheadofasure-footedShetlandpony,allstretchedflatontheground,andyouwillhaveproducedanaccuraterepresentationofaverylamentablefact。Andthemoraldevice,Francis,ofthispicturewillbetotestifythatwhengentlemenputconfidenceinthelegsofShetlandponies,theywillfindtotheircostthattheyareleaningonnothingbutbrokenreeds。Thereismyfirstinstance-
andwhathaveyougottosaytothat?’
’Nothing,butthatIwantmyhat,’answeredGoodchild,startingupandwalkingrestlesslyabouttheroom。
’Youshallhaveitinaminute,’rejoinedThomas。’Mysecondinstance’-(Goodchildgroaned,andsatdownagain)-’Mysecondinstanceismoreappropriatetothepresenttimeandplace,foritreferstoarace-horse。Twoyearsagoanexcellentfriendofmine,whowasdesirousofprevailingonmetotakeregularexercise,andwhowaswellenoughacquaintedwiththeweaknessofmylegstoexpectnoveryactivecompliancewithhiswishesontheirpart,offeredtomakemeapresentofoneofhishorses。Hearingthattheanimalinquestionhadstartedinlifeontheturf,Ideclinedacceptingthegiftwithmanythanks;adding,bywayofexplanation,thatIlookedonarace-horseasakindofembodiedhurricane,uponwhichnosanemanofmycharacterandhabitscouldbeexpectedtoseathimself。Myfriendrepliedthat,howeverappropriatemymetaphormightbeasappliedtorace-horsesingeneral,itwassingularlyunsuitableasappliedtotheparticularhorsewhichheproposedtogiveme。Fromafoalupwardsthisremarkableanimalhadbeentheidlestandmostsluggishofhisrace。Whatevercapacitiesforspeedhemightpossesshehadkeptsostrictlytohimself,thatnoamountoftraininghadeverbroughtthemout。Hehadbeenfoundhopelesslyslowasaracer,andhopelesslylazyasahunter,andwasfitfornothingbutaquiet,easylifeofitwithanoldgentlemanoraninvalid。WhenIheardthisaccountofthehorse,Idon’tmindconfessingthatmyheartwarmedtohim。
VisionsofThomasIdleamblingserenelyonthebackofasteedaslazyashimself,presentingtoarestlessworldthesoothingandcompositespectacleofakindofsluggardlyCentaur,toopeaceableinhishabitstoalarmanybody,swamattractivelybeforemyeyes。
Iwenttolookatthehorseinthestable。Nicefellow!hewasfastasleepwithakittenonhisback。Isawhimtakenoutforanairingbythegroom。IfhehadhadtrousersonhislegsIshouldnothaveknownthemfrommyown,sodeliberatelyweretheyliftedup,sogentlyweretheyputdown,soslowlydidtheygetovertheground。FromthatmomentIgratefullyacceptedmyfriend’soffer。
Iwenthome;thehorsefollowedme-byaslowtrain。Oh,Francis,howdevoutlyIbelievedinthathorseIhowcarefullyIlookedafterallhislittlecomforts!Ihadnevergonethelengthofhiringaman-servanttowaitonmyself;butIwenttotheexpenseofhiringonetowaituponhim。IfIthoughtalittleofmyselfwhenIboughtthesoftestsaddlethatcouldbehadformoney,I
thoughtalsoofmyhorse。Whenthemanattheshopafterwardsofferedmespursandawhip,Iturnedfromhimwithhorror。WhenI
salliedoutformyfirstride,Iwentpurposelyunarmedwiththemeansofhurryingmysteed。Heproceededathisownpaceeverystepoftheway;andwhenhestopped,atlast,andblewoutbothhissideswithaheavysigh,andturnedhissleepyheadandlookedbehindhim,Itookhimhomeagain,asImighttakehomeanartlesschildwhosaidtome,\"Ifyouplease,sir,Iamtired。\"Foraweekthiscompleteharmonybetweenmeandmyhorselastedundisturbed。
Attheendofthattime,whenhehadmadequitesureofmyfriendlyconfidenceinhislaziness,whenhehadthoroughlyacquaintedhimselfwithallthelittleweaknessesofmyseat(andtheirnameisLegion),thesmoulderingtreacheryandingratitudeoftheequinenatureblazedoutinaninstant。Withouttheslightestprovocationfromme,withnothingpassinghimatthetimebutapony-chaisedrivenbyanoldlady,hestartedinoneinstantfromastateofsluggishdepressiontoastateoffrantichighspirits。Hekicked,heplunged,heshied,hepranced,hecaperedfearfully。IsatonhimaslongasIcould,andwhenIcouldsitnolonger,Ifelloff。
No,Francis!thisisnotacircumstancetobelaughedat,buttobeweptover。WhatwouldbesaidofaManwhohadrequitedmykindnessinthatway?Rangeoveralltherestoftheanimalcreation,andwherewillyoufindmeaninstanceoftreacherysoblackasthis?Thecowthatkicksdownthemilking-pailmayhavesomereasonforit;shemaythinkherselftaxedtooheavilytocontributetothedilutionofhumanteaandthegreasingofhumanbread。Thetigerwhospringsoutonmeunawareshastheexcuseofbeinghungryatthetime,tosaynothingofthefurtherjustificationofbeingatotalstrangertome。TheveryfleawhosurprisesmeinmysleepmaydefendhisactofassassinationonthegroundthatI,inmyturn,amalwaysreadytomurderhimwhenIamawake。IdefythewholebodyofNaturalHistorianstomoveme,logically,offthegroundthatIhavetakeninregardtothehorse。
Receivebackyourhat,BrotherFrancis,andgotothechemist’s,ifyouplease;forIhavenowdone。Askmetotakeanythingyoulike,exceptaninterestintheDoncasterraces。Askmetolookatanythingyoulike,exceptanassemblageofpeopleallanimatedbyfeelingsofafriendlyandadmiringnaturetowardsthehorse。Youarearemarkablywell-informedman,andyouhaveheardofhermits。
Lookuponmeasamemberofthatancientfraternity,andyouwillsensiblyaddtothemanyobligationswhichThomasIdleisproudtoowetoFrancisGoodchild。’
Here,fatiguedbytheeffortofexcessivetalking,disputatiousThomaswavedonehandlanguidly,laidhisheadbackonthesofa-
pillow,andcalmlyclosedhiseyes。
Atalaterperiod,Mr。Goodchildassailedhistravellingcompanionboldlyfromtheimpregnablefortressofcommonsense。ButThomas,thoughtamedinbodybydrasticdiscipline,wasstillasmentallyunapproachableaseveronthesubjectofhisfavouritedelusion。
TheviewfromthewindowafterSaturday’sbreakfastisaltogetherchanged。Thetradesmen’sfamilieshaveallcomebackagain。Theseriousstationer’syoungwomanofallworkisshakingadusteroutofthewindowofthecombinationbreakfast-room;achildisplayingwithadoll,whereMr。Thurtell’shairwasbrushed;asanitaryscrubbingisinprogressonthespotwhereMr。Palmer’sbraceswereputon。NosignsoftheRacesareinthestreets,butthetrampsandthetumble-down-cartsandtrucksladenwithdrinking-formsandtablesandremnantsofbooths,thataremakingtheirwayoutofthetownasfastastheycan。TheAngel,whichhasbeenclearedforactionalltheweek,alreadybeginsrestoringeveryneatandcomfortablearticleoffurnituretoitsownneatandcomfortableplace。TheAngel’sdaughters(pleasanterangelsMr。IdleandMr。
Goodchildneversaw,normorequietlyexpertintheirbusiness,normoresuperiortothecommonviceofbeingaboveit),havealittletimetorest,andtoairtheircheerfulfacesamongtheflowersintheyard。Itismarket-day。Themarketlooksunusuallynatural,comfortable,andwholesome;themarket-peopletoo。Thetownseemsquiterestored,when,hark!ametallicbray-TheGong-donkey!
Thewretchedanimalhasnotclearedoffwiththerest,butishere,underthewindow。Howmuchmoreinconceivablydrunknow,howmuchmorebegrimedofpaw,howmuchmoretightofcalicohide,howmuchmorestainedanddaubedanddirtyanddunghilly,fromhishorriblebroomtohistendertoes,whoshallsay!Hecannotevenshakethebrayoutofhimselfnow,withoutlayinghischeeksoneartothemudofthestreet,thathepitchesoverafterdeliveringit。Now,proneinthemud,andnowbackinghimselfupagainstshop-windows,theownersofwhichcomeoutinterrortoremovehim;now,inthedrinking-shop,andnowinthetobacconist’s,wherehegoestobuytobacco,andmakeshiswayintotheparlour,andwherehegetsacigar,whichinhalf-a-minuteheforgetstosmoke;nowdancing,nowdozing,nowcursing,andnowcomplimentingMyLord,theColonel,theNobleCaptain,andYourHonourableWorship,theGong-donkeykicksuphisheels,occasionallybraying,untilsuddenly,hebeholdsthedearestfriendhehasintheworldcomingdownthestreet。
ThedearestfriendtheGong-donkeyhasintheworld,isasortofJackall,inadull,mangy,blackhide,ofsuchsmallpiecesthatitlooksasifitweremadeofblackingbottlesturnedinsideoutandcobbledtogether。Thedearestfriendintheworld(inconceivablydrunktoo)advancesattheGong-donkey,withahandoneachthigh,inaseriesofhumorousspringsandstops,wagginghisheadashecomes。TheGong-donkeyregardinghimwithattentionandwiththewarmestaffection,suddenlyperceivesthatheisthegreatestenemyhehasintheworld,andhitshimhardinthecountenance。TheastonishedJackallcloseswiththeDonkey,andtheyrolloverandoverinthemud,pummellingoneanother。APoliceInspector,supernaturallyendowedwithpatience,whohaslongbeenlookingonfromtheGuildhall-steps,says,toamyrmidon,’Lock’emup!Bring’emin!’
AppropriatefinishtotheGrandRace-Week。TheGong-donkey,captiveandlasttraceofit,conveyedintolimbo,wheretheycannotdobetterthankeephimuntilnextRace-Week。TheJackalliswantedtoo,andismuchlookedfor,overthewayandupanddown。But,havinghadthegoodfortunetobeundermostatthetimeofthecapture,hehasvanishedintoair。
OnSaturdayafternoon,Mr。GoodchildwalksoutandlooksattheCourse。Itisquitedeserted;heapsofbrokencrockeryandbottlesareraisedtoitsmemory;andcorrectcardsandotherfragmentsofpaperareblowingaboutit,astheregulationlittlepaper-books,carriedbytheFrenchsoldiersintheirbreasts,wereseen,soonafterthebattlewasfought,blowingidlyabouttheplainsofWaterloo。
Wherewillthesepresentidleleavesbeblownbytheidlewinds,andwherewillthelastofthembeonedaylostandforgotten?Anidlequestion,andanidlethought;andwithitMr。Idlefitlymakeshisbow,andMr。Goodchildhis,andthusendstheLazyTourofTwoIdleApprentices。