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  PREFACE。

  THE\"BABBALLADS\"appearedoriginallyinthecolumnsof\"FUN,\"

  whenthatperiodicalwasundertheeditorshipofthelateTOMHOOD。

  Theyweresubsequentlyrepublishedintwovolumes,onecalled\"THE

  BABBALLADS,\"theother\"MOREBABBALLADS。\"Theperiodduringwhichtheywerewrittenextendedoversomethreeorfouryears;

  many,however,werecomposedhastily,andunderthediscomfortingnecessityofhavingtoturnoutaquantityoflivelyversebyacertaindayineveryweek。Asitseemedtome(andtoothers)thatthevolumesweredisfiguredbythepresenceofthesehastilywrittenimpostors,IthoughtitbettertowithdrawfrombothvolumessuchBalladsasseemedtoshowevidenceofcarelessnessorunduehaste,andtopublishtheremainderinthecompactformunderwhichtheyarenowpresentedtothereader。

  Itmayinterestsometoknowthatthefirstoftheseries,\"TheYarnoftheNANCYBELL,\"wasoriginallyofferedto\"PUNCH,\"—towhichIwas,atthattime,anoccasionalcontributor。Itwas,however,declinedbythethenEditor,onthegroundthatitwas\"toocannibalisticforhisreaders’tastes。\"

  W。S。GILBERT。

  24THEBOLTONS,SOUTHKENSINGTON,AUGUST,1876。

  Ballad:CAPTAINREECE。

  OFalltheshipsupontheblue,NoshipcontainedabettercrewThanthatofworthyCAPTAINREECE,CommandingofTHEMANTELPIECE。

  Hewasadoredbyallhismen,ForworthyCAPTAINREECE,R。N。,DidallthatlaywithinhimtoPromotethecomfortofhiscrew。

  Ifevertheyweredullorsad,Theircaptaindancedtothemlikemad,Ortold,tomakethetimepassby,Drolllegendsofhisinfancy。

  Afeatherbedhadeveryman,Warmslippersandhot—watercan,Brownwindsorfromthecaptain’sstore,Avalet,too,toeveryfour。

  Didtheywiththirstinsummerburn,Lo,seltzogenesateveryturn,AndonallverysultrydaysCreamiceshandedroundontrays。

  ThencurrantwineandgingerpopsStoodhandilyonallthe\"tops;\"

  Andalso,withamusementrife,A\"Zoetrope,orWheelofLife。\"

  NewvolumescameacrosstheseaFromMISTERMUDIE’Slibraree;

  THETIMESandSATURDAYREVIEW

  Beguiledtheleisureofthecrew。

  Kind—heartedCAPTAINREECE,R。N。,Wasquitedevotedtohismen;

  Inpointoffact,goodCAPTAINREECE

  BeatifiedTHEMANTELPIECE。

  Onesummereve,athalf—pastten,Hesaid(addressingallhismen):

  \"Come,tellme,please,whatIcandoTopleaseandgratifymycrew。

  \"ByanyreasonableplanI’llmakeyouhappyifIcan;

  MyownconveniencecountasNIL:

  Itismyduty,andIwill。\"

  ThenupandansweredWILLIAMLEE

  (Thekindlycaptain’scoxswainhe,Anervous,shy,low—spokenman),Heclearedhisthroatandthusbegan:

  \"Youhaveadaughter,CAPTAINREECE,Tenfemalecousinsandaniece,AMa,ifwhatI’mtoldistrue,Sixsisters,andanauntortwo。

  \"Now,somehow,sir,itseemstome,Morefriendly—likeweallshouldbe,Ifyouunitedof’emtoUnmarriedmembersofthecrew。

  \"Ifyou’dameliorateourlife,Leteachselectfromthemawife;

  Andasfornervousme,oldpal,Givemeyourownenchantinggal!\"

  GoodCAPTAINREECE,thatworthyman,Debatedonhiscoxswain’splan:

  \"Iquiteagree,\"hesaid,\"OBILL;

  Itismyduty,andIwill。

  \"Mydaughter,thatenchantinggurl,HasjustbeenpromisedtoanEarl,AndallmyotherfamileeTopeersofvariousdegree。

  \"ButwhataredukesandviscountstoThehappinessofallmycrew?

  ThewordIgaveyouI’llfulfil;

  Itismyduty,andIwill。

  \"Asyoudesireitshallbefall,I’llsettlethousandsonyouall,AndIshallbe,despitemyhoard,Theonlybacheloronboard。\"

  TheboatswainofTHEMANTELPIECE,HeblushedandspoketoCAPTAINREECE:

  \"Ibegyourhonour’sleave,\"hesaid;

  \"Ifyouwouldwishtogoandwed,\"IhaveawidowedmotherwhoWouldbetheverythingforyou—

  Shelonghaslovedyoufromafar:

  Shewashesforyou,CAPTAINR。\"

  TheCaptainsawthedamethatday—

  Addressedherinhisplayfulway—

  \"Anddiditwantaweddingring?

  Itwasatemptingicklesing!

  \"Well,well,thechaplainIwillseek,We’llallbemarriedthisdayweekAtyonderchurchuponthehill;

  Itismyduty,andIwill!\"

  Thesisters,cousins,aunts,andniece,AndwidowedMaofCAPTAINREECE,Attendedthereastheywerebid;

  Itwastheirduty,andtheydid。

  Ballad:THERIVALCURATES。

  LISTwhilethepoettrollsOfMR。CLAYTONHOOPER,WhohadacureofsoulsAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper。

  Helivedoncurdsandwhey,Anddailysangtheirpraises,Andthenhe’dgoandplayWithbuttercupsanddaisies。

  WildcroquetHOOPERbanned,AndallthesportsofMammon,Hewarredwithcribbage,andHeexorcisedbackgammon。

  HishelmetwasaglanceThatspokeofholygladness;

  Asaintlysmilehislance;

  Hisshieldatearofsadness。

  HisVicarsmiledtoseeThisarmouronhimbuckled:

  WithpardonablegleeHeblessedhimselfandchuckled。

  \"InmildnesstoaboundMycurate’ssoledesignis;

  InallthecountryroundThere’snonesomildasmineis!\"

  AndHOOPER,disinclinedHistrumpettobeblowing,Yetdidn’tthinkyou’dfindAmildercurategoing。

  AfriendarrivedonedayAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper,AndinthisshamefulwayHespoketoMr。HOOPER:

  \"YouthinkyourfamousnameFormildnesscan’tbeshaken,Thatnonecanblotyourfame—

  But,HOOPER,you’remistaken!

  \"YourmindisnotasblankAsthatofHOPLEYPORTER,Whoholdsacurate’srankAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。

  \"HEplaystheairyflute,Andlooksdepressedandblighted,Dovesroundabouthim’toot,’

  Andlambkinsdancedelighted。

  \"HElaboursmorethanyouAtworstedwork,andframesit;

  Inoldmaids’albums,too,Sticksseaweed—yes,andnamesit!\"

  Thetemptersaidhissay,Whichpiercedhimlikeaneedle—

  HesummonedstraightawayHissextonandhisbeadle。

  (ThesemenweremenwhocouldHoldliberalopinions:

  OnSundaystheyweregood—

  Onweek—daystheywereminions。)

  \"ToHOPLEYPORTERgo,YourfareIwillaffordyou—

  Dealhimadeadlyblow,Andblessingsshallrewardyou。

  \"Butstay—IdonotlikeUndueassassination,Andsobeforeyoustrike,Makethiscommunication:

  \"I’llgivehimthisonechance—

  Ifhe’llmoregailybearhim,Playcroquet,smoke,anddance,Iwillinglywillsparehim。\"

  Theywent,thoseminionstrue,ToAssesmilk—cum—Worter,AndtoldtheirerrandtoTheREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER。

  \"What?\"saidthatreverendgent,\"Dancethroughmyhoursofleisure?

  Smoke?—bathemyselfwithscent?—

  Playcroquet?Oh,withpleasure!

  \"Wearallmyhairincurl?

  Standatmydoorandwink—so—

  Ateverypassinggirl?

  Mybrothers,Ishouldthinkso!

  \"ForyearsI’velongedforsomeExcuseforthisrevulsion:

  Nowthatexcusehascome—

  Idoitoncompulsion!!!\"

  Hesmokedandwinkedaway—

  ThisREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER—

  ThedeucetherewastopayAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。

  AndHOOPERholdshisground,Inmildnessdailygrowing—

  Theythinkhim,allaround,Themildestcurategoing。

  Ballad:ONLYADANCINGGIRL。

  ONLYadancinggirl,Withanunromanticstyle,Withborrowedcolourandcurl,Withfixedmechanicalsmile,Withmanyahackneyedwile,Withungrammaticallips,Andcornsthatmarhertrips。

  Hungfromthe\"flies\"inair,Sheactsapalpablelie,She’saslittleafairythereAsunpoeticalI!

  Ihearyouasking,Why—

  WhyintheworldIsingThistawdry,tinselledthing?

  Noairyfairyshe,AsshehangsinarsenicgreenFromahighlyimpossibletreeInahighlyimpossiblescene(Herselfnotover—clean)。

  Forfaysdon’tsuffer,I’mtold,Frombunions,coughs,orcold。

  AndstatelydamesthatbringTheirdaughterstheretosee,Pronouncethe\"dancingthing\"

  Nobetterthansheshouldbe,Withherskirtathershamefulknee,Andherpainted,taintedphiz:

  Ah,matron,whichofusis?

  (And,insooth,itoftoccursThatwhilethesematronssigh,Theirdressesarelowerthanhers,Andsometimeshalfashigh;

  Andtheirhairishairtheybuy,Andtheyusetheirglasses,too,Inawayshe’dblushtodo。)

  ButchangehergoldandgreenForacoarsemerinogown,AndseeheruponthesceneOfherhome,whencoaxingdownHerdrunkenfather’sfrown,Inhissqualidcheerlessden:

  She’safairytruly,then!

  Ballad:TOALITTLEMAID—BYAPOLICEMAN。

  COMEwithme,littlemaid,Nay,shrinknot,thusafraid—

  I’llharmtheenot!

  Flynot,mylove,fromme—

  Ihaveahomeforthee—

  Afairygrot,WheremortaleyeCanrarelypry,Thereshallthydwellingbe!

  Listtome,whileItellThepleasuresofthatcell,Oh,littlemaid!

  Whatthoughitscouchberude,HomelytheonlyfoodWithinitsshade?

  NothoughtofcareCanenterthere,Novulgarswainintrude!

  Comewithme,littlemaid,CometotherockyshadeIlovetosing;

  Livewithus,maidenrare—

  Come,forwe\"want\"theethere,Thouelfinthing,Toworkthyspell,InsomecoolcellInstatelyPentonville!

  Ballad:THETROUBADOUR。

  ATROUBADOURheplayedWithoutacastlewall,Within,ahaplessmaidRespondedtohiscall。

  \"Oh,willow,woeisme!

  Alackandwell—a—day!

  IfIwereonlyfreeI’dhiemefaraway!\"

  Unknownherfaceandname,Butthisheknewrightwell,Themaiden’swailingcameFromoutadungeoncell。

  AhaplesswomanlayWithinthatdungeongrim—

  Thatfact,I’veheardhimsay,Wasquiteenoughforhim。

  \"Iwillnotsitorlie,Oreatordrink,Ivow,TillthouartfreeasI,OrIaspentasthou。\"

  Hertearsthenceasedtoflow,Herwailsnolongerrang,AndtunefulinherwoeTheprisonedmaidensang:

  \"Oh,stranger,asyouplay,Irecognizeyourtouch;

  AndallthatIcansayIs,thankyouverymuch。\"

  Heseizedhisclarionstraight,Andblewthereat,untilAwardenopedthegate。

  \"Oh,whatmightbeyourwill?\"

  \"I’vecome,SirKnave,toseeThemasterofthesehalls:

  AmaidunwillinglyLiesprisonedintheirwalls。\"’

  WithbarelystifledsighThatporterdroopedhishead,Withteardropsinhiseye,\"Amany,sir,\"hesaid。

  Hestayedtohearnomore,Butpushedthatporterby,AndshortlystoodbeforeSIRHUGHDEPECKHAMRYE。

  SIRHUGHhedarklyfrowned,\"Whatwouldyou,sir,withme?\"

  ThetroubadourhedownedUponhisbendedknee。

  \"I’vecome,DEPECKHAMRYE,TodoaChristiantask;

  YouaskmewhatwouldI?

  ItisnotmuchIask。

  \"Releasethesemaidens,sir,Whomyoudominiono’er—

  ParticularlyherUponthesecondfloor。

  \"Andifyoudon’t,mylord\"—

  Heherestoodboltupright,Andtappedatailor’ssword—

  \"Comeout,youcad,andfight!\"

  SIRHUGHhecalled—andranThewardenfromthegate:

  \"Go,showthisgentlemanThemaidinForty—eight。\"

  Bymanyacelltheypast,AndstoppedatlengthbeforeAportal,boltedfast:

  Themanunlockedthedoor。

  HecalledinsidethegateWithcoarseandbrutalshout,\"Come,stepit,Forty—eight!\"

  AndForty—eightsteppedout。

  \"Theygetsitprettyhot,Themaidenswhatwecotch—

  Twoyearsthislady’sgotForcollaringawotch。\"

  \"Oh,ah!—indeed—Isee,\"

  Thetroubadourexclaimed—

  \"IfImaymakesofree,Howisthiscastlenamed?

  Thewarden’seyelidsfill,Andsighing,hereplied,\"OfgloomyPentonvilleThisisthefemaleside!\"

  TheminstreldidnotwaitTheWardenstouttothank,ButrecollectedstraightHe’dbusinessattheBank。

  Ballad:FERDINANDOANDELVIRA;OR,THEGENTLEPIEMAN。

  PARTI。

  ATapleasanteveningpartyIhadtakendowntosupperOnewhomIwillcallELVIRA,andwetalkedofloveandTUPPER,MR。TUPPERandthePoets,verylightlywiththemdealing,ForI’vealwaysbeendistinguishedforastrongpoeticfeeling。

  Thenweletoffpapercrackers,eachofwhichcontainedamotto,AndshelistenedwhileIreadthem,tillhermothertoldhernotto。

  Thenshewhispered,\"Totheball—roomwehadbetter,dear,bewalking;

  Ifwestopdownheremuchlonger,reallypeoplewillbetalking。\"

  Therewerenoblemenincoronets,andmilitarycousins,Therewerecaptainsbythehundred,therewerebaronetsbydozens。

  Yetsheheedednottheiroffers,butdismissedthemwithablessing,Thensheletdownallherbackhair,whichhadtakenlongindressing。

  Thenshehadconvulsivesobbingsinheragitatedthrottle,Thenshewipedherprettyeyesandsmeltherprettysmelling—

  bottle。

  SoIwhispered,\"DearELVIRA,say,—whatcanthematterbewithyou?

  Doesanythingyou’veeaten,darlingPOPSY,disagreewithyou?\"

  ButspiteofallIsaid,hersobsgrewmoreandmoredistressing,Andshetoreherprettybackhair,whichhadtakenlongindressing。

  Thenshegazeduponthecarpet,attheceiling,thenaboveme,Andshewhispered,\"FERDINANDO,doyoureally,REALLYloveme?\"

  \"Loveyou?\"saidI,thenIsighed,andthenIgazeduponhersweetly—

  ForIthinkIdothissortofthingparticularlyneatly。

  \"SendmetotheArcticregions,orillimitableazure,Onascientificgoose—chase,withmyCOXWELLormyGLAISHER!

  \"TellmewhitherImayhieme—tellme,dearone,thatImayknow—

  IsitupthehighestAndes?downahorriblevolcano?\"

  Butshesaid,\"Itisn’tpolarbears,orhotvolcanicgrottoes:

  Onlyfindoutwhoitisthatwritesthoselovelycrackermottoes!\"

  PARTII。

  \"Tellme,HENRYWADSWORTH,ALFREDPOETCLOSE,orMISTERTUPPER,DoyouwritethebonbonmottoesmyELVIRApullsatsupper?\"

  ButHENRYWADSWORTHsmiled,andsaidhehadnothadthathonour;

  AndALFRED,too,disclaimedthewordsthattoldsomuchuponher。

  \"MISTERMARTINTUPPER,POETCLOSE,Ibegofyouinformus;\"

  Butmyquestionseemedtothrowthembothintoarageenormous。

  MISTERCLOSEexpressedawishthathecouldonlygetanightome;

  AndMISTERMARTINTUPPERsentthefollowingreplytome:

  \"Afoolisbentuponatwig,butwisemendreadabandit,\"—

  WhichIknowwasveryclever;butIdidn’tunderstandit。

  SevenwearyyearsIwandered—Patagonia,China,Norway,TillatlastIsankexhaustedatapastrycookhisdoorway。

  Therewerefuchsiasandgeraniums,anddaffodilsandmyrtle,SoIentered,andIorderedhalfabasinofmockturtle。

  Hewasplumpandhewaschubby,hewassmoothandhewasrosy,Andhislittlewifewasprettyandparticularlycosy。

  Andhechirpedandsang,andskippedabout,andlaughedwithlaughterhearty—

  Hewaswonderfullyactiveforsoverystoutaparty。

  AndIsaid,\"Ogentlepieman,whysovery,verymerry?

  Isitpurityofconscience,oryourone—and—sevensherry?\"

  Butheanswered,\"I’msohappy—noprofessioncouldbedearer—

  IfIamnothumming’Tra!la!la!’I’msinging’Tirer,lirer!’

  \"FirstIgoandmakethepatties,andthepuddings,andthejellies,ThenImakeasugarbird—cage,whichuponatableswellis;

  \"ThenIpolishallthesilver,whichasupper—tablelacquers;

  ThenIwritetheprettymottoeswhichyoufindinsidethecrackers。\"—

  \"Foundatlast!\"Imadlyshouted。\"Gentlepieman,youastoundme!\"

  ThenIwavedtheturtlesoupenthusiasticallyroundme。

  AndIshoutedandIdanceduntilhe’dquiteacrowdaroundhim—

  AndIrushedawayexclaiming,\"Ihavefoundhim!Ihavefoundhim!\"

  AndIheardthegentlepiemanintheroadbehindmetrilling,\"’Tira,lira!’stophim,stophim!’Tra!la!la!’thesoup’sashilling!\"

  ButuntilIreachedELVIRA’Shome,Inever,neverwaited,AndELVIRAtoherFERDINAND’Sirrevocablymated!

  Ballad:TOMYBRIDE—(WHOEVERSHEMAYBE。)

  OH!littlemaid!—(IdonotknowyournameOrwhoyouare,so,asasafeprecautionI’lladd)—Oh,buxomwidow!marrieddame!

  (Asoneofthesemustbeyourpresentportion)

  Listen,whileIunveilpropheticloreforyou,AndsingthefatethatFortunehasinstoreforyou。

  You’llmarrysoon—withinayearortwain—

  AbachelorofCIRCAtwoandthirty:

  Tall,gentlemanly,butextremelyplain,Andwhenyou’reintimate,you’llcallhim\"BERTIE。\"

  Neat—dresseswell;histemperhasbeenclassifiedAshasty;buthe’sveryquicklypacified。

  You’llfindhimworkingmildlyattheBar,Afteratouchattwoorthreeprofessions,Fromeasyaffluenceextremelyfar,AbriefortwoonCircuit—\"soup\"atSessions;

  Apoundortwofromwhistandbackinghorses,And,saythreehundredfromhisownresources。

  Quietinharness;freefromseriousvice,Hisfaultsarenotparticularlyshady,You’llneverfindhim\"SHY\"—for,onceortwiceAlready,he’sbeendrivenbyalady,Whopartswithhim—perhapsapoorexcuseforhim—

  Becauseshehasn’tanyfurtheruseforhim。

  Oh!brideofmine—tall,dumpy,dark,orfair!

  Oh!widow—wife,maybe,orblushingmaiden,I’vetoldYOURfortune;solvedthegravestcareWithwhichyourmindhashithertobeenladen。

  I’veprophesiedcorrectly,neverdoubtit;

  Nowtellmemine—andpleasebequickaboutit!

  You—onlyyou—cantellme,an’youwill,TowhomI’mdestinedshortlytobemated,WillsherunupaheavyMODISTE’Sbill?

  Ifso,Iwanttohearherincomestated(Thisisapointwhichinterestsmegreatly)。

  Toquotethebard,\"Oh!haveIseenherlately?\"

  Say,mustIwaittillhusbandnumberoneIscomfortablystowedawayatWoking?

  Howisherhairmostusuallydone?

  Andtellme,please,willsheobjecttosmoking?

  Thecolourofhereyes,too,youmaymention:

  Come,Sibyl,prophesy—I’mallattention。

  Ballad:SIRMACKLIN。

  OFalltheyouthsIeversawNoneweresowicked,vain,orsilly,SolosttoshameandSabbathlaw,AsworldlyTOM,andBOB,andBILLY。

  ForeverySabbathdaytheywalked(Suchwastheirgayandthoughtlessnatur)

  Inparksorgardens,wheretheytalkedFromthreetosix,orevenlater。

  SIRMACKLINwasapriestsevereInconductandinconversation,ItdidasinnergoodtohearHimdealinratiocination。

  HecouldineveryactionshowSomesin,andnobodycoulddoubthim。

  Hearguedhigh,hearguedlow,Healsoarguedroundabouthim。

  HewepttothinkeachthoughtlessyouthContainedofwickednessaskinful,Andburnttoteachtheawfultruth,ThatwalkingoutonSunday’ssinful。

  \"Oh,youths,\"saidhe,\"IgrievetofindThecourseoflifeyou’vebeenandhiton—

  Sitdown,\"saidhe,\"andnevermindThepenniesforthechairsyousiton。

  \"Myopeningheadis’Kensington,’

  Howwalkingtherethesinnerhardens,WhichwhenIhaveenlargedupon,Igoto’Secondly’—its’Gardens。’

  \"My’Thirdly’comprehendeth’Hyde,’

  OfSecresytheguiltsandshameses;

  My’Fourthly’—’Park’—itsverdurewide—

  My’Fifthly’comprehends’St。James’s。’

  \"Thatmattersettled,IshallreachThe’Sixthly’inmysolemntether,Andshowthatwhatistrueofeach,Isalsotrueofall,together。

  \"ThenIshalldemonstratetoyou,AccordingtotherulesofWHATELY,Thatwhatistrueofall,istrueOfeach,consideredseparately。\"

  Inlavishstreamhisaccentsflow,TOM,BOB,andBILLYdarenotflouthim;

  Hearguedhigh,hearguedlow,Healsoarguedroundabouthim。

  \"Ha,ha!\"hesaid,\"youloatheyourways,Youwritheatthesemywordsofwarning,Inagonyyourhandsyouraise。\"

  (Andsotheydid,fortheywereyawning。)

  To\"Twenty—firstly\"ontheygo,Theladsdonotattempttoscouthim;

  Hearguedhigh,hearguedlow,Healsoarguedroundabouthim。

  \"Ho,ho!\"hecries,\"youbowyourcrests—

  Myeloquencehassetyouweeping;

  Inshameyoubenduponyourbreasts!\"

  (Andsotheydid,fortheyweresleeping。)

  Heprovedthemthis—heprovedthemthat—

  Thisgoodbutwearisomeascetic;

  Hejumpedandthumpeduponhishat,Hewassoveryenergetic。

  HisBishopatthismomentchancedTopass,andfoundtheroadencumbered;

  HenoticedhowtheChurchmandanced,Andhowhiscongregationslumbered。

  ThehundredandeleventhheadThepriestcompletedofhisstricture;

  \"Oh,bosh!\"theworthyBishopsaid,Andwalkedhimoffasinthepicture。

  Ballad:THEYARNOFTHE\"NANCYBELL。\"(1)

  ’TWASontheshoresthatroundourcoastFromDealtoRamsgatespan,ThatIfoundaloneonapieceofstoneAnelderlynavalman。

  Hishairwasweedy,hisbeardwaslong,Andweedyandlongwashe,AndIheardthiswightontheshorerecite,Inasingularminorkey:

  \"Oh,Iamacookandacaptainbold,AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig,Andabo’suntight,andamidshipmite,Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。\"

  Andheshookhisfistsandhetorehishair,TillIreallyfeltafraid,ForIcouldn’thelpthinkingthemanhadbeendrinking,AndsoIsimplysaid:

  \"Oh,elderlyman,it’slittleIknowOfthedutiesofmenofthesea,AndI’lleatmyhandifIunderstandHoweveryoucanbe\"Atonceacook,andacaptainbold,AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig,Andabo’suntight,andamidshipmite,Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。\"

  Thenhegaveahitchtohistrousers,whichIsatrickallseamenlarn,Andhavinggotridofathumpingquid,Hespunthispainfulyarn:

  \"’TwasinthegoodshipNANCYBELL

  ThatwesailedtotheIndianSea,Andthereonareefwecometogrief,Whichhasoftenoccurredtome。

  \"Andprettynighallthecrewwasdrowned(Therewasseventy—seveno’soul),AndonlytenoftheNANCY’SmenSaid’Here!’tothemuster—roll。

  \"Therewasmeandthecookandthecaptainbold,AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig,Andthebo’suntight,andamidshipmite,Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。

  \"Foramonthwe’dneitherwittlesnordrink,Tilla—hungrywedidfeel,Sowedrawedalot,and,accordin’shotThecaptainforourmeal。

  \"ThenextlotfelltotheNANCY’Smate,Andadelicatedishhemade;

  ThenourappetitewiththemidshipmiteWesevensurvivorsstayed。

  \"Andthenwemurderedthebo’suntight,Andhemuchresembledpig;

  Thenwewittledfree,didthecookandme,Onthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。

  \"Thenonlythecookandmewasleft,Andthedelicatequestion,’WhichOfustwogoestothekettle?’arose,Andweargueditoutassich。

  \"ForIlovedthatcookasabrother,Idid,Andthecookheworshippedme;

  Butwe’dbothbeblowedifwe’deitherbestowedIntheotherchap’shold,yousee。

  \"’I’llbeeatifyoudinesoffme,’saysTOM;

  ’Yes,that,’saysI,’you’llbe,—

  ’I’mboiledifIdie,myfriend,’quothI;

  And’Exactlyso,’quothhe。

  \"Sayshe,’DearJAMES,tomurdermeWereafoolishthingtodo,Fordon’tyouseethatyoucan’tcookME,WhileIcan—andwill—cookYOU!’

  \"Soheboilsthewater,andtakesthesaltAndthepepperinportionstrue(Whichheneverforgot),andsomechoppedshalot。

  Andsomesageandparsleytoo。

  \"’Comehere,’sayshe,withaproperpride,Whichhissmilingfeaturestell,’’TwillsoothingbeifIletyouseeHowextremelyniceyou’llsmell。’

  \"Andhestirreditroundandroundandround,Andhesniffedatthefoamingfroth;

  WhenIupswithhisheels,andsmothershissquealsInthescumoftheboilingbroth。

  \"AndIeatthatcookinaweekorless,And—asIeatingbeThelastofhischops,why,Ialmostdrops,ForawesselinsightIsee!

  ****

  \"AndIneverlarf,andIneversmile,AndIneverlarknorplay,Butsitandcroak,andasinglejokeIhave—whichistosay:

  \"Oh,Iamacookandacaptainbold,AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig,Andabo’suntight,andamidshipmite,Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig!’\"

  Ballad:THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOO。

  FROMeastandsouththeholyclanOfBishopsgatheredtoaman;

  ToSynod,calledPan—Anglican,Inflockingcrowdstheycame。

  AmongthemwasaBishop,whoHadlatelybeenappointedtoThebalmyisleofRum—ti—Foo,AndPETERwashisname。

  Hispeople—twenty—threeinsum—

  Theyplayedtheeloquenttum—tum,Andlivedonscalpsservedup,inrum—

  Theonlysaucetheyknew。

  WhenfirstgoodBISHOPPETERcame(ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname),Tohumourthem,hedidthesameAstheyofRum—ti—Foo。

  Hisflock,I’veoftenheardhimtell,(HisnamewasPETER)lovedhimwell,And,summonedbythesoundofbell,Incrowdstogethercame。

  \"Oh,massa,whyyougoaway?

  Oh,MASSAPETER,pleasetostay。\"

  (TheycalledhimPETER,peoplesay,Becauseitwashisname。)

  Hetoldthemallgoodboystobe,Andsailedawayacrossthesea,AtLondonBridgethatBishopheArrivedoneTuesdaynight;

  AndasthatnighthehomewardstrodeTohisPan—Anglicanabode,HepassedalongtheBoroughRoad,Andsawagruesomesight。

  HesawacrowdassembledroundApersondancingontheground,WhostraightbegantoleapandboundWithallhismightandmain。

  Toseethatdancingmanhestopped,Whotwirledandwriggled,skippedandhopped,Thendownincontinentlydropped,Andthensprangupagain。

  TheBishopchuckledatthesight。

  \"ThisstyleofdancingwoulddelightAsimpleRum—ti—Foozleite。

  I’lllearnitifIcan,TopleasethetribewhenIgetback。\"

  Hebeggedthemantoteachhisknack。

  \"RightReverendSir,inhalfacrack!

  Repliedthatdancingman。

  Thedancingmanheworkedaway,AndtaughttheBishopeveryday—

  Thedancerskippedlikeanyfay—

  GoodPETERdidthesame。

  TheBishopbuckledtohistask,WithBATTEMENTS,andPASDEBASQUE。

  (I’lltellyou,ifyoucaretoask,ThatPETERwashisname。)

  \"Come,walklikethis,\"thedancersaid,\"Stickoutyourtoes—stickinyourhead,Stalkonwithquick,galvanictread—

  Yourfingersthusextend;

  Theattitude’sconsideredquaint。\"

  ThewearyBishop,feelingfaint,Replied,\"Idonotsayitain’t,But’Time!’myChristianfriend!\"

  \"Wenowproceedtosomethingnew—

  DanceasthePAYNESandLAURISdo,Likethis—one,two—one,two—one,two。\"

  TheBishop,neverproud,Butinanoverwhelmingheat(HisnamewasPETER,Irepeat)

  PerformedthePAYNEandLAURIfeat,Andpuffedhisthanksaloud。

  Anothergamethedancerplanned—

  \"Justtakeyourankleinyourhand,Andtry,mylord,ifyoucanstand—

  Yourbodystiffandstark。

  If,whenrevisitingyoursee,Youlearnttohoponshore—likeme—

  Thenoveltywouldstrikingbe,Andmustattractremark。\"

  \"No,\"saidtheworthyBishop,\"no;

  Thatisalengthtowhich,Itrow,ColonialBishopscannotgo。

  YoumayexpresssurpriseAtfindingBishopsdealinpride—

  ButifthattrickIevertried,IshouldappearundignifiedInRum—ti—Foozle’seyes。

  \"TheislandersofRum—ti—FooArewell—conductedpersons,whoApproveajokeasmuchasyou,Andlaughatitassuch;

  ButiftheysawtheirBishopland,Hislegsupportedinhishand,Thejoketheywouldn’tunderstand—

  ’Twouldpainthemverymuch!\"

  Ballad:THEPRECOCIOUSBABY。AVERYTRUETALE。

  (TOBESUNGTOTHEAIROFTHE\"WHISTLINGOYSTER。\")

  ANelderlyperson—aprophetbytrade—

  WithhisquipsandtipsOnwitheredoldlips,Hemarriedayoungandabeautifulmaid;

  Thecunningoldblade!

  Thoughratherdecayed,Hemarriedabeautiful,beautifulmaid。

  Shewasonlyeighteen,andasfairascouldbe,WithhertemptingsmilesAndmaidenlywiles,Andhewasatriflepastseventy—three:

  NowwhatshecouldseeIsapuzzletome,Inaprophetofseventy—seventy—three!

  Ofalltheiracquaintancesbidden(orbad)

  WiththeirloudhighjinksAndunderbredwinks,Nonethoughtthey’dafamilyhave—buttheyhad;

  AdearlittleladWhodrove’emhalfmad,Forheturnedoutahorriblyfastlittlecad。

  Forwhenhewasbornheastonishedallby,Withtheir\"Law,dearme!\"

  \"Dideveryousee?\"

  He’dapipeinhismouthandaglassinhiseye,Ahatallawry—

  Anoctagontie—

  Andaminiature—miniatureglassinhiseye。

  Hegrumbledatwearingafrockandacap,Withhis\"Oh,dear,oh!\"

  Andhis\"Hangit!’ooknow!\"

  Andheturneduphisnoseathisexcellentpap—

  \"Myfriends,it’satapDatisnotworfarap。\"

  (Nowthiswasremarkablyexcellentpap。)

  He’dchuckhisnurseunderthechin,andhe’dsay,Withhis\"Fal,lal,lal\"—

  \"’Oodoosedfinegal!\"

  Thisshockingprecocitydrove’emaway:

  \"Amonthfromto—dayIsaslongasI’llstay—

  ThenI’dwish,ifyouplease,fortotoddleaway。\"

  Hisfather,asimpleoldgentleman,heWithnurseryrhymeAnd\"Onceonatime,\"

  Wouldtellhimthestoryof\"LittleBo—P,\"

  \"Soprettywasshe,Soprettyandwee,Aspretty,aspretty,asprettycouldbe。\"

  Butthebabe,withadigthatwouldstartleanox,Withhis\"C’ck!Oh,my!—

  Goalongwiz’oo,fie!\"

  Wouldexclaim,\"I’mafraid’ooasockingolefox。\"

  Nowafatheritshocks,Anditwhitenshislocks,Whenhislittlebabecallshimashockingoldfox。

  Thenameofhisfatherhe’dcoupleandpair(Withhisill—bredlaugh,Andinsolentchaff)

  Withthoseofthenurseryheroinesrare—

  VirginiatheFair,OrGoodGoldenhair,Tillthenuisancewasmorethanaprophetcouldbear。

  \"There’sJillandWhiteCat\"(saidtheboldlittlebrat,Withhisloud,\"Ha,ha!\")

  \"’OoslyicklePa!

  Wiz’ooBeauty,Bo—Peep,and’ooMrs。JackSprat!

  I’venoticed’oopatMYprettyWhiteCat—

  Isinkdearmammaoughttoknowaboutdat!\"

  Heearlydeterminedtomarryandwive,ForbetterorworseWithhiselderlynurse—

  Whichthepoorlittleboydidn’tlivetocontrive:

  Hishearthdidn’tthrive—

  Nolongeralive,Hediedanenfeebledolddotardatfive!

  MORAL。

  Now,elderlymenofthebachelorcrew,WithwrinkledhoseAndspectaclednose,Don’tmarryatall—youmaytakeitastrueIfeveryoudoThestepyouwillrue,Foryourbabeswillbeelderly—elderlytoo。

  Ballad:TOPHOEBE。(2)

  \"GENTLE,modestlittleflower,SweetepitomeofMay,Lovemebutforhalfanhour,Loveme,loveme,littlefay。\"

  SentencessofiercelyflamingInyourtinyshell—likeear,IshouldalwaysbeexclaimingIfIlovedyou,PHOEBEdear。

  \"SmilesthatthrillfromanydistanceSheduponmewhileIsing!

  Pleaseecstaticizeexistence,Loveme,oh,thoufairything!\"

  Wordslikethese,outpouringsadlyYou’dperpetuallyhear,IfIlovedyoufondly,madly;—

  ButIdonot,PHOEBEdear。

  Ballad:BAINESCAREW,GENTLEMAN。

  OFallthegoodattorneyswhoHaveplacedtheirnamesupontheroll,ButfewcouldequalBAINESCAREW

  Fortender—heartednessandsoul。

  Whene’erheheardataleofwoeFromclientAorclientB,HisgriefwouldovercomehimsoHe’dscarcehavestrengthtotakehisfee。

  Itlaidhimupformanydays,Whendutyledhimtodistrain,Andservingwrits,althoughitpays,Gavehimexcruciatingpain。

  Hemadeoutcosts,distrainedforrent,Foreclosedandsued,withmoistenedeye—

  NobillofcostscouldrepresentThevalueofsuchsympathy。

  NochargescanapproximateTheworthofsympathywithwoe;—

  AlthoughIthinkIoughttostateHedidhisbesttomakethemso。

  OfallthemanyclientswhoHadmusteredroundhislegalflag,NosingleclientofthecrewWashalfsodearasCAPTAINBAGG。

  Now,CAPTAINBAGGhadbowedhimtoAheavymatrimonialyoke—

  Hiswifeyhadoffaultsafew—

  Shenevercouldresistajoke。

  Herchaffatfirsthemeeklybore,Tillunendurableitgrew。

  \"TostopthispersecutionsoreIwillconsultmyfriendCAREW。

  \"AndwhenCAREW’SadviceI’vegot,DivorceAMENSAIshalltry。\"

  (Alegalseparation—notAVINCULOCONJUGII。)

  \"Oh,BAINESCAREW,mywoeI’vekeptAsecrethitherto,youknow;\"—

  (AndBAINESCAREW,ESQUIRE,heweptTohearthatBAGGHADanywoe。)

  \"Mycase,indeed,ispassingsad。

  Mywife—whomIconsideredtrue—

  Withbrutalconductdrivesmemad。\"

  \"Iamappalled,\"saidBAINESCAREW。

  \"What!soundthematrimonialknellOfworthypeoplesuchasthese!

  WhywasIanattorney?Well—

  GoontotheSAEVITIA,please。\"

  \"Domesticblisshasprovedmybane,—

  Ahardercaseyouneverheard,Mywife(inothermatterssane)

  PretendsthatI’maDickybird!

  \"Shemakesmesing,’Too—whit,too—wee!’

  Andstanduponaroundedstick,AndalwaysintroducesmeToeveryoneas’PrettyDick’!\"

  \"Oh,dear,\"saidweepingBAINESCAREW,\"ThisisthedirestcaseIknow。\"

  \"I’mgrieved,\"saidBAGG,\"atpainingyou—

  \"ToCOBBandPOLTHERTHWAITEI’llgo—

  \"ToCOBB’Scold,calculatingear,MygruesomesorrowsI’llimpart\"—

  \"No;stop,\"saidBAINES,\"I’lldrymytear,Andsteelmysympatheticheart。\"

  \"Shemakesmeperchuponatree,Rewardingmewith’Sweety—nice!’

  AndthreatenstoexhibitmeWithfourorfiveperformingmice。\"

  \"RestrainmytearsIwishIcould\"

  (SaidBAINES),\"Idon’tknowwhattodo。\"

  SaidCAPTAINBAGG,\"You’reverygood。\"

  \"Oh,notatall,\"saidBAINESCAREW。

  \"Shemakesmefireagun,\"saidBAGG;

  \"And,atapreconcertedword,Climbupaladderwithaflag,Likeanystreetperformingbird。

  \"Sheplacessugarinmyway—

  Inpublicplacescallsme’Sweet!’

  Shegivesmegroundseleveryday,Andhardcanary—seedtoeat。\"

  \"Oh,woe!oh,sad!oh,diretotell!\"

  (SaidBAINES)。\"Begoodenoughtostop。\"

  Andsenselessonthefloorhefell,Withunpremeditatedflop!

  SaidCAPTAINBAGG,\"Well,reallyI

  Amgrievedtothinkitpainsyouso。

  Ithankyouforyoursympathy;

  But,hangit!—come—Isay,youknow!\"

  ButBAINESlayflatuponthefloor,Convulsedwithsympatheticsob;—

  TheCaptaintoddledoffnextdoor,AndgavethecasetoMR。COBB。

  Ballad:THOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。

  INallthetownsandcitiesfairOnMerryEngland’sbroadexpanse,NoswordsmanevercouldcompareWithTHOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。

  ThedauntlessladcouldfairlyhewAsilkenhandkerchiefintwain,Dividealegofmuttontoo—

  Andthiswithoutunwholesomestrain。

  Onwholehalf—sheep,withcunningtrick,Hissabresometimeshe’demploy—

  Nobaroflead,howeverthick,Hadterrorsforthestalwartboy。

  AtDoverdailyhe’dprepareTohewandslash,behind,before—

  WhichaggravatedMONSIEURPIERRE,WhowatchedhimfromtheCalaisshore。

  ItcausedgoodPIERREtoswearanddance,Thesightannoyedandvexedhimso;

  HewasthebravestmaninFrance—

  Hesaidso,andheoughttoknow。

  \"Regardezdonc,cecochongros—

  Cepolisson!Oh,sacrebleu!

  Sonsabre,sonplomb,etsesgigotsCommecelam’ennuye,enfin,monDieu!

  \"IlsaitquelesfoulardsdesoieGivenoretaliatingwhack—

  Lesgigotsmortsn’ontpasdequoi—

  Leplombdon’teverhityouback。\"

  ButeverydaytheheadstrongladCutleadandmuttonmoreandmore;

  AndeverydaypoorPIERRE,halfmad,Shriekedlouddefiancefromhisshore。

  HANCEhadamother,poorandold,Asimple,harmlessvillagedame,WhocrowedandclappedaspeopletoldOfWINTERBOTTOM’Srisingfame。

  Shesaid,\"I’llbeuponthespotToseemyTOMMY’Ssabre—play;\"

  Andsosheleftherleafycot,AndwalkedtoDoverinaday。

  PIERREhadadoatingmother,whoHadheardofhisdefiantrage;

  HISMawasnearlyninety—two,Andratherdressyforherage。

  AtHANCE’Sdoingseverymorn,WithsheerdelightHISmothercried;

  AndMONSIEURPIERRE’ScontemptuousscornFilledHISmammawithproperpride。

  ButHANCE’Spowersbegantofail—

  Hisconstitutionwasnotstrong—

  AndPIERRE,whooncewasstoutandhale,Grewthinfromshoutingalldaylong。

  Theirmotherssawthempaleandwan,Maternalanguishtoreeachbreast,AndsotheymettofindaplanTosettheiroffsprings’mindsatrest。

  SaidMRS。HANCE,\"OfcourseIshrinksFrombloodshed,ma’am,asyou’reaware,Butstillthey’dbettermeet,Ithinks。\"

  \"Assurement!\"saidMADAMEPIERRE。

  AsunnyspotinsunnyFranceWashituponforthisaffair;

  ThegroundwaspickedbyMRS。HANCE,ThestakeswerepitchedbyMADAMEPIERRE。

  SaidMRS。H。,\"Yourworkyousee—

  Goin,mynobleboy,andwin。\"

  \"Engarde,monfils!\"saidMADAMEP。

  \"Allons!\"\"Goon!\"\"Engarde!\"\"Begin!\"

  (Themotherswereofdecentsize,Thoughnotparticularlytall;

  ButinthesketchthatmeetsyoureyesI’vebeenobligedtodrawthemsmall。)

  LoudsneeredthedoughtymanofFrance,\"Ho!ho!Ho!ho!Ha!ha!Ha!ha!

  \"TheFrenchfor’Pish’\"saidTHOMASHANCE。

  SaidPIERRE,\"L’Anglais,Monsieur,pour’Bah。’\"

  SaidMRS。H。,\"Come,one!two!three!—

  We’resittin’heretoseeallfair。\"

  \"C’estmagnifique!\"saidMADAMEP。,\"Mais,parbleu!cen’estpaslaguerre!\"

  \"Jescornunfoesilachequevous,\"

  SaidPIERRE,thedoughtysonofFrance。

  \"Ifightnotcowardfoelikeyou!\"

  SaidourundauntedTOMMYHANCE。

  \"TheFrenchfor’Pooh!’\"ourTOMMYcried。

  \"L’Anglaispour’Va!’\"theFrenchmancrowed。

  Andso,withundiminishedpride,Eachwentonhisrespectiveroad。

  Ballad:ADISCONTENTEDSUGARBROKER。

  AGENTLEMANofCityfameNowclaimsyourkindattention;

  EastIndiabrokingwashisgame,HisnameIshallnotmention:

  Nooneoffinely—pointedsenseWouldviolateaconfidence,AndshallIgoAnddoit?No!

  HisnameIshallnotmention。

  Hehadatrustywifeandtrue,Andverycosyquarters,Amanager,aboyortwo,Sixclerks,andsevenporters。

  Abrokermustbedoingwell(Asanylunaticcantell)

  WhocanemployAnactiveboy,Sixclerks,andsevenporters。

  Hisknockeradvertisednodun,Nolossesmadehimsulky,Hehadonesorrow—onlyone—

  Hewasextremelybulky。

  Amanmustbe,Ibegtostate,ExceptionallyfortunateWhoownshischiefAndonlygriefIs—beingverybulky。

  \"Thisload,\"he’dsay,\"Icannotbear;

  I’mnineteenstoneortwenty!

  HenceforwardI’llgoinforairAndexerciseinplenty。\"

  Mostpeoplethinkthat,shoulditcome,TheycanreduceabulgingtumTomeasuresfairBytakingairAndexerciseinplenty。

  Ineveryweather,everyday,Dry,muddy,wet,orgritty,HetooktodancingallthewayFromBromptontotheCity。

  YoudonotoftengetthechanceOfseeingsugarbrokersdanceFromtheirabodeInFulhamRoadThroughBromptontotheCity。

  HebravedthegayandguilelesslaughOfchildrenwiththeirnusses,ThelouduneducatedchaffOfclerksonomnibuses。

  AgainstallminorthingsthatrackAnicely—balancedmind,I’llbackThenoisychaffAndill—bredlaughOfclerksonomnibuses。

  Hisfriends,whoheardhismoneychink,Andsawthehouseherented,Andknewhiswife,couldneverthinkWhatmadehimdiscontented。

  ItneverenteredtheirpuremindsThatfadsareofeccentrickinds,NorwouldtheyownThatfataloneCouldmakeonediscontented。

  \"Yourrichesknownokindofpause,Yourtradeisfastadvancing;

  Youdance—butnotforjoy,becauseYouweepasyouaredancing。

  Todanceimpliesthatmanisglad,Toweepimpliesthatmanissad;

  ButhereareyouWhodothetwo—

  Youweepasyouaredancing!\"

  HismaniasoongotnoisedaboutAndintoallthepapers;

  HissizeincreasedbeyondadoubtForallhisrecklesscapers:

  Itmayseemsingulartoyou,Butallhisfriendsadmitittrue—

  ThemorehefoundHisfigureround,Themorehecuthiscapers。

  Hisbulkincreased—nomatterthat—

  Hetriedthemoretotossit—

  Heneverspokeofitas\"fat,\"

  But\"adiposedeposit。\"

  Uponmyword,itseemstomeUnpardonablevanity(Andworsethanthat)

  TocallyourfatAn\"adiposedeposit。\"

  Atlengthhisbrawnykneesgaveway,Andonthecarpetsinking,UponhisshapelessbackhelayAndkickedawaylikewinking。

  InsteadofseeinginhisstateThefingerofunswervingFate,HelabouredstillToworkhiswill,Andkickedawaylikewinking。

  Hisfriends,disgustedwithhimnow,Awayinsilencewended—

  IhardlyliketotellyouhowThisdreadfulstoryended。

  Theshockingsequeltoimpart,Imustemploythelimner’sart—

  Ifyouwouldknow,ThissketchwillshowHowhisexertionsended。

  MORAL。

  Ihatetopreach—Ihatetoprate—

  —I’mnofanaticcroaker,ButlearncontentmentfromthefateOfthisEastIndiabroker。

  He’deverythingamanoftasteCouldeverwant,exceptawaist;

  AnddiscontentHissizeanent,Andbootlessperseveranceblind,CompletelywreckedthepeaceofmindOfthisEastIndiabroker。

  Ballad:THEPANTOMIME\"SUPER\"TOHISMASK。

  VASTemptyshell!

  Impertinent,preposterousabortion!

  Withvacantstare,Andraggedhair,Andeveryfeatureoutofallproportion!

  Embodimentofechoinginanity!

  Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!

  Unwieldy,clumsynightmareofhumanity!

  Iringthyknell!

  To—nightthoudiest,Beastthatdestroy’stmyheaven—bornidentity!

  Nineweeksofnights,Beforethelights,Swampedinthineownpreposterousnonentity,I’vebeenill—treated,cursed,andthrasheddiurnally,Creditedforthesmileyouwearexternally—

  Ifeeldisposedtosmashthyface,infernally,Astherethouliest!

  I’vebeenthybrain:

  I’VEbeenthebrainthatlitthydullconcavity!

  ThehumanraceInvestMYfaceWiththineexpressionofuncheckeddepravity,Investedwithaghastlyreciprocity,I’VEbeenresponsibleforthymonstrosity,I,forthywanton,blunderingferocity—

  Butnotagain!

  ’TistimetotollThyknell,andthatoffolliespantomimical:

  Anineweeks’run,AndthouhastdoneAllthoucanstdotomakethyselfinimical。

  Adieu,embodimentofallinanity!

  Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!

  Unwieldy,clumsynightmareofhumanity!

  Freedisthysoul!

  (THEMASKRESPONDETH。)

  Oh!mastermine,Lookthouwithinthee,ereagainill—usingme。

  ArtthouawareOfnothingthereWhichmightabusethee,asthouartabusingme?

  AbrainthatmournsTHINEunredeemedrascality?

  AsoulthatweepsatTHYthreadbaremorality?

  BothgrievingthatTHEIRindividualityIsmergedinthine?

  Ballad:THEGHOST,THEGALLANT,THEGAEL,ANDTHEGOBLIN。

  O’ERunreclaimedsuburbanclaysSomeyearsagowerehobblin’

  Anelderlyghostofeasyways,Andaninfluentialgoblin。

  Theghostwasasombrespectralshape,Afineoldfive—actfogy,Thegoblinimp,alitheyoungape,Afinelow—comedybogy。

  Andastheyexercisedtheirjoints,Promotingquickdigestion,Theytalkedonseveralcuriouspoints,Andraisedthisdelicatequestion:

  \"WhichofustwoisNumberOne—

  Theghostie,orthegoblin?\"

  Ando’erthepointtheyraisedinfunTheyfairlyfella—squabblin’。

  They’dbarelyspeak,andeach,infine,Grewmoreandmorereflective:

  EachthoughthisownparticularlineBychalksthemoreeffective。

  AtlengththeysettledsomeoneshouldByeachofthembehaunted,AndsoarrangethateithercouldExerthisprowessvaunted。

  \"TheQuaintagainsttheStatuesque\"—

  Bycompetitionlawful—

  ThegoblinbackedtheQuaintGrotesque,TheghosttheGrandlyAwful。

  \"Now,\"saidthegoblin,\"here’smyplan—

  Inattitudecommanding,IseeastalwartEnglishmanByyondertailor’sstanding。

  \"TheveryfittestmanonearthMyinfluencetotryon—

  Ofgentle,p’r’apsofnoblebirth,Anddauntlessasalion!

  Nowwrapyourselfwithinyourshroud—

  Remainineasyhearing—

  Observe—you’llhearhimscreamaloudWhenIbeginappearing!

  Theimpwithyellunearthly—wild—

  Threwoffhisdarkenclosure:

  HisdauntlessvictimlookedandsmiledWithsingularcomposure。

  Forhourshetriedtodaunttheyouth,Fordays,indeed,butvainly—

  Thestriplingsmiled!—totellthetruth,Thestriplingsmiledinanely。

  Forweeksthegoblinweirdandwild,Thatnoblestriplinghaunted;

  Forweeksthestriplingstoodandsmiled,Unmovedandallundaunted。

  Thesombreghostexclaimed,\"YourplanHasfailedyou,goblin,plainly:

  NowwatchyonhardyHielandman,Sostalwartandungainly。

  \"Thesearethemenwhochasetheroe,Whosefootstepsneverfalter,Whobringwiththem,where’ertheygo,AsmackofoldSIRWALTER。

  Ofsuchashe,themensublimeWholeadtheirtroopsvictorious,Whosedeedsgodowntoafter—time,Enshrinedinannalsglorious!

  \"Ofsuchashethebardhassaid’Hechthrawfu’raltierorkie!

  Wi’thechtta’croonieclapperheadAndfash’wi’uncopawkie!’

  He’llfaintawaywhenIappear,Uponhisnativeheather;

  Orp’r’apshe’llonlyscreamwithfear,Orp’r’apsthetwotogether。\"

  Thespectreshowedhimself,alone,Todohisghostlybattling,Withcurdlinggroananddismalmoan,Andlotsofchainsa—rattling!

  Butno—thechiel’sstoutGaelicstuffWithstoodallghostlyharrying;

  HisfingerscloseduponthesnuffWhichupwardshewascarrying。

  Fordaysthatghostdeclinedtostir,Afoggyshapelessgiant—

  ForweeksthatsplendidofficerStaredbackagaindefiant。

  JustastheEnglishmanreturnedThegoblin’svulgarstaring,JustsotheScotchmanboldlyspurnedTheghost’sunmanneredscaring。

  ForseveralyearstheghostlytwainTheseBritonsboldhavehaunted,Butalltheireffortsareinvain—

  Theirvictimsstandundaunted。

  Thisverydaytheimp,andghost,Whosepowerstheimpderided,Standeachathisallottedpost—

  Thebetisundecided。

  Ballad:THEPHANTOMCURATE。AFABLE。

  ABISHOPonce—Iwillnotnamehissee—

  Annoyedhisclergyinthemodeconventional;

  Frompulpitshacklesneversetthemfree,Andfoundasinwheresinwasunintentional。

  Allpleasuresendedinabuseauricular—

  TheBishopwassoterriblyparticular。

  Though,onthewhole,awiseanduprightman,Hesoughttomakeofhumanpleasuresclearances;

  Andformhispriestsonthatmuch—laudedplanWhichpaysundueattentiontoappearances。

  Hecouldn’tdogooddeedswithoutapsalmin’em,Although,intruth,heboreawaythepalmin’em。

  Enragedtofindadeaconatadance,Orcatchacurateatsomemildfrivolity,HesoughtbyopencensuretoenhanceTheirdreadofjoiningharmlesssocialjollity。

  Yetheenjoyed(afactofnotoriety)

  Theordinarypleasuresofsociety。

  Oneevening,sittingatapantomime(Forbiddentreattothosewhostoodinfearofhim),Roaringatjokes,SANSmetre,sense,orrhyme,Heturned,andsawimmediatelyinrearofhim,Hispeaceofmindupsetting,andannoyingit,Acurate,alsoheartilyenjoyingit。

  Again,’twasChristmasEve,andtoenhanceHischildren’spleasureintheirharmlessrollicking,He,likeagoodoldfellow,stoodtodance;

  Whensomethingcheckedthecurrentofhisfrolicking:

  Thatcurate,withamaidhetreatedlover—ly,Stoodupandfiguredwithhiminthe\"Coverley!\"

  Once,yieldingtoanuniversalchoice(Thecompany’sdemandwasanemphaticone,FortheoldBishophadagloriousvoice),Inaquartethejoined—anoperaticone。

  Harmlessenough,thoughne’erawordofgraceinit,When,lo!thatcuratecameandtookthebassinit!

  Oneday,whenpassingthroughaquietstreet,HestoppedawhileandjoinedaPunch’sgathering;

  Andchuckledmorethansolemnfolkthinkmeet,ToseethatgentlemanhisJudylathering;

  Andheard,asPunchwasbeingtreatedpenalty,Thatphantomcuratelaughingallhyaenally。

  Nowatapicnic,’midfairgoldencurls,Brighteyes,strawhats,BOTTINESthatfitamazingly,Acroquet—boutisplannedbyallthegirls;

  Andhe,consenting,speaksofcroquetpraisingly;

  Butsuddenlydeclinestoplayatallinit—

  Thecuratefiendhascometotakeaballinit!

  Next,whenatquietsea—sidevillage,freedFromcaresepiscopalandtiesmonarchical,Hegrowshisbeard,andsmokeshisfragrantweed,Inmanneranythingbuthierarchical—

  Hesees—andfixesanunearthlystareonit—

  Thatcurate’sface,withhalfayardofhaironit!

  Atlengthhegaveacharge,andspakethisword:

  \"Vicars,yourcuratestoenjoymenturgeyemay;

  Tochecktheirharmlesspleasuring’sabsurd;

  Whatlaymendowithoutreproach,myclergymay。\"

  Hespake,andlo!atthisconcludingwordofhim,Thecuratevanished—noonesincehasheardofhim。

  Ballad:KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO。

  KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO

  Wasaman—eatingAfricanswell;

  Hissighwasahullaballoo,Hiswhisperahorribleyell—

  Ahorrible,horribleyell!

  Foursubjects,andallofthemmale,ToBORRIAdoubledtheknee,Theywereonceonafarlargerscale,Buthe’deatenthebalance,yousee(\"Scale\"and\"balance\"ispunning,yousee)。

  TherewashaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH,TherewaslumberingDOODLE—DUM—DEY,DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH,AndgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH—

  ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH。

  Onedaytherewasgriefinthecrew,Fortheyhadn’tamorselofmeat,AndBORRIABUNGALEEBOO

  Wasdyingforsomethingtoeat—

  \"Come,providemewithsomethingtoeat!

  \"ALACK—A—DEY,famishedIfeel;

  Oh,goodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH,WhereonearthshallIlookforameal?

  ForIhaven’tnodinnerto—day!—

  Notamorselofdinnerto—day!

  \"DearTOOTLE—TUM,whatshallwedo?

  Come,getusameal,or,intruth,Ifyoudon’t,weshallhavetoeatyou,Oh,adorablefriendofouryouth!

  Thoubelovedlittlefriendofouryouth!\"

  Andheanswered,\"Oh,BUNGALEEBOO,ForamomentIhopeyouwillwait,—

  TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO

  IstheQueenofaneighbouringstate—

  Aremarkablyneighbouringstate。

  \"TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO,Shewouldpickledeliciouslycold—

  AndherfourprettyAmazons,too,Areenticing,andnotveryold—

  Twenty—sevenisnotveryold。

  \"ThereisneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH,ThereisrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH,ThereisjocularWAGGETY—WEH,ThereismusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH—

  There’sthenightingaleDOH—REH—MI—FAH!\"

  SotheforcesofBUNGALEEBOO

  Marchedforthinaterriblerow,AndtheladieswhofoughtforQUEENLOO

  Preparedtoencounterthefoe—

  Thisdreadful,insatiatefoe!

  Buttheysharpenednoweaponsatall,Andtheypoisonednoarrows—notthey!

  TheymadereadytoconquerorfallInatotallydifferentway—

  Anentirelydifferentway。

  Withacrimsonandpearly—whitedyeTheyendeavouredtomakethemselvesfair,Withblacktheyencircledeacheye,Andwithyellowtheypaintedtheirhair(Itwaswool,buttheythoughtitwashair)。

  Andtheforcestheymetinthefield:—

  AndthemenofKINGBORRIAsaid,\"Amazonians,immediatelyyield!\"

  Andtheirarrowstheydrewtothehead—

  Yes,drewthemrightuptothehead。

  ButjocularWAGGETY—WEH

  OgledDOODLE—DUM—DEY(whichwaswrong),AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH

  Said,\"TOOTLE—TUM,yougoalong!

  Younaughtyolddear,goalong!\"

  AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH

  TappedALACK—A—DEY—AHwithherfan;

  AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH

  Said,\"PISH,goaway,youbadman!

  Goaway,youdelightfulyoungman!\"

  AndtheAmazonssimperedandsighed,Andtheyogled,andgiggled,andflushed,Andtheyopenedtheirprettyeyeswide,Andtheychuckled,andflirted,andblushed(Atleast,iftheycould,they’dhaveblushed)。

  ButhaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH

  Said,\"ALACK—A—DEY,whatdoesthismean?\"

  AnddespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH

  Said,\"Theythinkusuncommonlygreen!

  Ha!ha!mostuncommonlygreen!\"

  EvenblunderingDOODLE—DUM—DEY

  Wasinsensiblequitetotheirleers,AndsaidgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH,\"It’syourbloodwedesire,prettydears—

  Wehavecomeforourdinners,mydears!\"

  AndtheQueenoftheAmazonsfellToBORRIABUNGALEEBOO,—

  Inamouthfulhegulped,withayell,TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO—

  TheprettyQUEENTOL—THE—ROL—LOO。

  AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH

  WaseatenbyPISH—POOH—BAH,Andlight—heartedWAGGETY—WEH

  BydismalALACK—A—DEY—AH—

  DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH。

  AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH

  WaseatenbyDOODLE—DUM—DEY,AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH

  BygoodlittleTOOTLE—DUM—TEH—

  ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH!

  Ballad:BOBPOLTER。

  BOBPOLTERwasanavvy,andHishandswerecoarse,anddirtytoo,Hishomelyfacewasroughandtanned,Histimeoflifewasthirty—two。

  Helivedamongaworkingclan(Awifehehadn’tgotatall),Adecent,steady,soberman—

  Nosaint,however—notatall。

  Hesmoked,butinamodestway,Becausehethoughtheneededit;

  Hedrankapotofbeeraday,Andsometimesheexceededit。

  Attimeshe’dpasswithothermenAloudconvivialnightortwo,With,verylikely,nowandthen,OnSaturdays,afightortwo。

  Butstillhewasasobersoul,Alabour—never—shirkingman,Whopaidhisway—uponthewholeAdecentEnglishworkingman。

  Oneday,whenattheNelson’sHead(Forwhichhemaybeblamedofyou),Aholymanappeared,andsaid,\"Oh,ROBERT,I’mashamedofyou。\"

  HelaidhishandonROBERT’SbeerBeforehecoulddrinkupany,Andonthefloor,withsighandtear,Hepouredthepotof\"thruppenny。\"

  \"Oh,ROBERT,atthisverybarAtruthyou’llbediscovering,AgoodandevilgeniusareAroundyournoddlehovering。

  \"TheybothareheretobidyoushunTheotherone’ssociety,ForTotalAbstinenceisone,Theother,Inebriety。\"

  Hewavedhishand—avapourcame—

  AwizardPOLTERreckonedhim;

  Abogyroseandcalledhisname,Andwithhisfingerbeckonedhim。

  Themonster’ssalientpointstosum,—

  Hisheavybreathwasportery:

  Hisglowingnosesuggestedrum:

  Hiseyesweregin—and—WORtery。

  Hisdresswastorn—fordregsofaleAndslopsofginhadrustedit;

  Hispimpledfacewaswanandpale,Wherefilthhadnotencrustedit。

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