第20章
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  [120]LifeandJournals,Boston,1806,pp。31-40,abridged。

  YoungMr。Alline,afterthebriefestofdelays,andwithnobook-learningbuthisBible,andnoteachingsavethatofhisownexperience,becameaChristianminister,andthenceforwardhislifewasfittorank,foritsausterityandsingle-mindedness,withthatofthemostdevotedsaints。Buthappyashebecameinhisstrenuousway,henevergothistasteforeventhemostinnocentcarnalpleasuresback。Wemustclasshim,likeBunyanandTolstoy,amongstthoseuponwhosesoultheironofmelancholyleftapermanentimprint。Hisredemptionwasintoanotheruniversethanthismerenaturalworld,andliferemainedforhimasadandpatienttrial。Yearslaterwecanfindhimmakingsuchanentryasthisinhisdiary:“OnWednesdaythe12thIpreachedatawedding,andhadthehappinesstherebytobethemeansofexcludingcarnalmirth。”

  ThenextcaseIwillgiveisthatofacorrespondentofProfessorLeuba,printedinthelatter’sarticle,alreadycited,invol。

  vi。oftheAmericanJournalofPsychology。ThissubjectwasanOxfordgraduate,thesonofaclergyman,andthestoryresemblesinmanypointstheclassiccaseofColonelGardiner,whicheverybodymaybesupposedtoknow。Hereitis,somewhatabridged:——

  “BetweentheperiodofleavingOxfordandmyconversionIneverdarkenedthedoorofmyfather’schurch,althoughIlivedwithhimforeightyears,makingwhatmoneyIwantedbyjournalism,andspendingitinhighcarousalwithanyonewhowouldsitwithmeanddrinkitaway。SoIlived,sometimesdrunkforaweektogether,andthenaterriblerepentance,andwouldnottouchadropforawholemonth。

  “Inallthisperiod,thatis,uptothirty-threeyearsofage,I

  neverhadadesiretoreformonreligiousgrounds。ButallmypangswereduetosometerribleremorseIusedtofeelafteraheavycarousal,theremorsetakingtheshapeofregretaftermyfollyinwastingmylifeinsuchaway——amanofsuperiortalentsandeducation。Thisterribleremorseturnedmegrayinonenight,andwheneveritcameuponmeIwasperceptiblygrayerthenextmorning。WhatIsufferedinthiswayisbeyondtheexpressionofwords。Itwashell-fireinallitsmostdreadfultortures。OftendidIvowthatifIgotover’thistime’Iwouldreform。Alas,inaboutthreedaysIfullyrecovered,andwasashappyasever。Soitwentonforyears,but,withaphysiquelikearhinoceros,Ialwaysrecovered,andaslongasIletdrinkalone,nomanwasascapableofenjoyinglifeasIwas。

  “Iwasconvertedinmyownbedroominmyfather’srectoryhouseatpreciselythreeo’clockintheafternoonofahotJulydayJuly13,1886。Iwasinperfecthealth,havingbeenofffromthedrinkfornearlyamonth。Iwasinnowaytroubledaboutmysoul。Infact,Godwasnotinmythoughtsthatday。AyoungladyfriendsentmeacopyofProfessorDrummond’sNaturalLawintheSpiritualWorld,askingmemyopinionofitasaliteraryworkonly。Beingproudofmycriticaltalentsandwishingtoenhancemyselfinmynewfriend’sesteem,Itookthebooktomybedroomforquiet,intendingtogiveitathoroughstudy,andthenwriteherwhatIthoughtofit。ItwasherethatGodmetmefacetoface,andIshallneverforgetthemeeting。’HethathaththeSonhathlifeeternal,hethathathnottheSonhathnotlife。’Ihadreadthisscoresoftimesbefore,butthismadeallthedifference。IwasnowinGod’spresenceandmyattentionwasabsolutely’soldered’ontothisverse,andIwasnotallowedtoproceedwiththebooktillIhadfairlyconsideredwhatthesewordsreallyinvolved。OnlythenwasIallowedtoproceed,feelingallthewhilethattherewasanotherbeinginmybedroom,thoughnotseenbyme。Thestillnesswasverymarvelous,andI

  feltsupremelyhappy。Itwasmostunquestionablyshownme,inonesecondoftime,thatIhadnevertouchedtheEternal:andthatifIdiedthen,Imustinevitablybelost。Iwasundone。I

  knewitaswellasInowknowIamsaved。TheSpiritofGodshoweditmeinineffablelove;therewasnoterrorinit;IfeltGod’slovesopowerfullyuponmethatonlyamightysorrowcreptovermethatIhadlostallthroughmyownfolly;andwhatwasI

  todo?WhatcouldIdo?Ididnotrepenteven;Godneveraskedmetorepent。AllIfeltwas’Iamundone,’andGodcannothelpit,althoughhelovesme。NofaultonthepartoftheAlmighty。

  AllthetimeIwassupremelyhappy:Ifeltlikealittlechildbeforehisfather。Ihaddonewrong,butmyFatherdidnotscoldme,butlovedmemostwondrously。Stillmydoomwassealed。I

  waslosttoacertainty,andbeingnaturallyofabravedispositionIdidnotquailunderit,butdeepsorrowforthepast,mixedwithregretforwhatIhadlost,tookholduponme,andmysoulthrilledwithinmetothinkitwasallover。

  Thentherecreptinuponmesogently,solovingly,sounmistakably,awayofescape,andwhatwasitafterall?Theold,oldstoryoveragain,toldinthesimplestway:’ThereisnonameunderheavenwherebyyecanbesavedexceptthatoftheLordJesusChrist。’Nowordswerespokentome;mysoulseemedtoseemySaviourinthespirit,andfromthathourtothis,nearlynineyearsnow,therehasneverbeeninmylifeonedoubtthattheLordJesusChristandGodtheFatherbothworkeduponmethatafternooninJuly,bothdifferently,andbothinthemostperfectloveconceivable,andIrejoicedthereandtheninaconversionsoastoundingthatthewholevillageheardofitinlessthantwenty-fourhours。

  “Butatimeoftroublewasyettocome。ThedayaftermyconversionIwentintothehay-fieldtolendahandwiththeharvest,andnothavingmadeanypromisetoGodtoabstainordrinkinmoderationonly,Itooktoomuchandcamehomedrunk。

  Mypoorsisterwasheart-broken;andIfeltashamedofmyselfandgottomybedroomatonce,whereshefollowedmeweepingcopiously。ShesaidIhadbeenconvertedandfallenawayinstantly。ButalthoughIwasquitefullofdrinknotmuddled,however,IknewthatGod’sworkbeguninmewasnotgoingtobewasted。AboutmiddayImadeonmykneesthefirstprayerbeforeGodfortwentyyears。Ididnotasktobeforgiven;Ifeltthatwasnogood,forIwouldbesuretofallagain。Well,whatdidI

  do?Icommittedmyselftohimintheprofoundestbeliefthatmyindividualitywasgoingtobedestroyed,thathewouldtakeallfromme,andIwaswilling。Insuchasurrenderliesthesecretofaholylife。Fromthathourdrinkhashadnoterrorsforme:Inevertouchit,neverwantit。Thesamethingoccurredwithmypipe:afterbeingaregularsmokerfrommytwelfthyearthedesireforitwentatonce,andhasneverreturned。Sowitheveryknownsin,thedeliveranceineachcasebeingpermanentandcomplete。Ihavehadnotemptationsinceconversion,GodseeminglyhavingshutoutSatanfromthatcoursewithme。Hegetsafreehandinotherways,butneveronsinsoftheflesh。SinceIgaveuptoGodallownershipinmyownlife,hehasguidedmeinathousandways,andhasopenedmypathinawayalmostincredibletothosewhodonotenjoytheblessingofatrulysurrenderedlife。”

  SomuchforourgraduateofOxford,inwhomyounoticethecompleteabolitionofanancientappetiteasoneoftheconversion’sfruits。

  ThemostcuriousrecordofsuddenconversionwithwhichIamacquaintedisthatofM。AlphonseRatisbonne,afree-thinkingFrenchJew,toCatholicism,atRomein1842。Inalettertoaclericalfriend,writtenafewmonthslater,theconvertgivesapalpitatingaccountofthecircumstances。[121]Thepredisposingconditionsappeartohavebeenslight。HehadanelderbrotherwhohadbeenconvertedandwasaCatholicpriest。Hewashimselfirreligious,andnourishedanantipathytotheapostatebrotherandgenerallytohis“cloth。”FindinghimselfatRomeinhistwenty-ninthyear,hefellinwithaFrenchgentlemanwhotriedtomakeaproselyteofhim,butwhosucceedednofartheraftertwoorthreeconversationsthantogethimtohanghalfjocoselyareligiousmedalroundhisneck,andtoacceptandreadacopyofashortprayertotheVirgin。M。Ratisbonnerepresentshisownpartintheconversationsashavingbeenofalightandchaffingorder;buthenotesthefactthatforsomedayshewasunabletobanishthewordsoftheprayerfromhismind,andthatthenightbeforethecrisishehadasortofnightmare,intheimageryofwhichablackcrosswithnoChristuponitfigured。Nevertheless,untilnoonofthenextdayhewasfreeinmindandspentthetimeintrivialconversations。Inowgivehisownwords。

  [121]MyquotationsaremadefromanItaliantranslationofthisletterintheBiografiadelsig。M。A。Ratisbonne,Ferrara,1843,whichIhavetothankMonsignoreD。O’ConnellofRomeforbringingtomynotice。Iabridgetheoriginal。

  “Ifatthistimeanyonehadaccostedme,saying:’Alphonse,inaquarterofanhouryoushallbeadoringJesusChristasyourGodandSaviour;youshalllieprostratewithyourfaceuponthegroundinahumblechurch;youshallbesmitingyourbreastatthefootofapriest;youshallpassthecarnivalinacollegeofJesuitstoprepareyourselftoreceivebaptism,readytogiveyourlifefortheCatholicfaith;youshallrenouncetheworldanditspompsandpleasures;renounceyourfortune,yourhopes,andifneedbe,yourbetrothed;theaffectionsofyourfamily,theesteemofyourfriends,andyourattachmenttotheJewishpeople;youshallhavenootheraspirationthantofollowChristandbearhiscrosstilldeath;’——if,Isay,aprophethadcometomewithsuchaprediction,Ishouldhavejudgedthatonlyonepersoncouldbemoremadthanhe——whosoever,namely,mightbelieveinthepossibilityofsuchsenselessfollybecomingtrue。

  Andyetthatfollyisatpresentmyonlywisdom,mysolehappiness。

  “ComingoutofthecafeImetthecarriageofMonsieurB。[theproselytingfriend]。Hestoppedandinvitedmeinforadrive,butfirstaskedmetowaitforafewminuteswhilstheattendedtosomedutyatthechurchofSanAndreadelleFratte。Insteadofwaitinginthecarriage,Ienteredthechurchmyselftolookatit。ThechurchofSanAndreawaspoor,small,andempty;I

  believethatIfoundmyselftherealmostalone。Noworkofartattractedmyattention;andIpassedmyeyesmechanicallyoveritsinteriorwithoutbeingarrestedbyanyparticularthought。I

  canonlyrememberanentirelyblackdogwhichwenttrottingandturningbeforemeasImused。Inaninstantthedoghaddisappeared,thewholechurchhadvanished,Inolongersawanything,……ormoretrulyIsaw,OmyGod,onethingalone。

  “Heavens,howcanIspeakofit?Ohno!humanwordscannotattaintoexpressingtheinexpressible。Anydescription,howeversublimeitmightbe,couldbebutaprofanationoftheunspeakabletruth。

  “Iwasthereprostrateontheground,bathedinmytears,withmyheartbesideitself,whenM。B。calledmebacktolife。Icouldnotreplytothequestionswhichfollowedfromhimoneupontheother。ButfinallyItookthemedalwhichIhadonmybreast,andwithalltheeffusionofmysoulIkissedtheimageoftheVirgin,radiantwithgrace,whichitbore。Oh,indeed,itwasShe!ItwasindeedShe![WhathehadseenhadbeenavisionoftheVirgin。]

  “IdidnotknowwhereIwas:IdidnotknowwhetherIwasAlphonseoranother。Ionlyfeltmyselfchangedandbelievedmyselfanotherme;Ilookedformyselfinmyselfanddidnotfindmyself。InthebottomofmysoulIfeltanexplosionofthemostardentjoy;Icouldnotspeak;Ihadnowishtorevealwhathadhappened。ButIfeltsomethingsolemnandsacredwithinmewhichmademeaskforapriest。Iwasledtoone;andtherealone,afterhehadgivenmethepositiveorder,IspokeasbestI

  could,kneeling,andwithmyheartstilltrembling。IcouldgivenoaccounttomyselfofthetruthofwhichIhadacquiredaknowledgeandafaith。AllthatIcansayisthatinaninstantthebandagehadfallenfrommyeyes,andnotonebandageonly,butthewholemanifoldofbandagesinwhichIhadbeenbroughtup。Oneafteranothertheyrapidlydisappeared,evenasthemudandicedisappearundertheraysoftheburningsun。

  “Icameoutasfromasepulchre,fromanabyssofdarkness;andI

  wasliving,perfectlyliving。ButIwept,foratthebottomofthatgulfIsawtheextremeofmiseryfromwhichIhadbeensavedbyaninfinitemercy;andIshudderedatthesightofmyiniquities,stupefied,melted,overwhelmedwithwonderandwithgratitude。YoumayaskmehowIcametothisnewinsight,fortrulyIhadneveropenedabookofreligionnorevenreadasinglepageoftheBible,andthedogmaoforiginalsiniseitherentirelydeniedorforgottenbytheHebrewsofto-day,sothatI

  hadthoughtsolittleaboutitthatIdoubtwhetherIeverknewitsname。ButhowcameI,then,tothisperceptionofit?Icananswernothingsavethis,thatonenteringthatchurchI

  wasindarknessaltogether,andoncomingoutofitIsawthefullnessofthelight。Icanexplainthechangenobetterthanbythesimileofaprofoundsleeportheanalogyofonebornblindwhoshouldsuddenlyopenhiseyestotheday。Hesees,butcannotdefinethelightwhichbatheshimandbymeansofwhichheseestheobjectswhichexcitehiswonder。Ifwecannotexplainphysicallight,howcanweexplainthelightwhichisthetruthitself?AndIthinkIremainwithinthelimitsofveracitywhenIsaythatwithouthavinganyknowledgeoftheletterofreligiousdoctrine,Inowintuitivelyperceiveditssenseandspirit。BetterthanifIsawthem,IFELTthosehiddenthings;I

  feltthembytheinexplicableeffectstheyproducedinme。Itallhappenedinmyinteriormind,andthoseimpressions,morerapidthanthoughtshookmysoul,revolvedandturnedit,asitwere,inanotherdirection,towardsotheraims,byotherpaths。

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