ChapterOneONANexceptionallyhoteveningearlyinJulyayoungmancameoutofthegarretinwhichhelodgedinS。Placeandwalkedslowly,asthoughinhesitation,towardsK。bridge。
Hehadsuccessfullyavoidedmeetinghislandladyonthestaircase。
Hisgarretwasundertheroofofahigh,five-storiedhouseandwasmorelikeacupboardthanaroom。Thelandladywhoprovidedhimwithgarret,dinners,andattendance,livedonthefloorbelow,andeverytimehewentouthewasobligedtopassherkitchen,thedoorofwhichinvariablystoodopen。Andeachtimehepassed,theyoungmanhadasick,frightenedfeeling,whichmadehimscowlandfeelashamed。Hewashopelesslyindebttohislandlady,andwasafraidofmeetingher。
Thiswasnotbecausehewascowardlyandabject,quitethecontrary;
butforsometimepasthehadbeeninanoverstrainedirritablecondition,vergingonhypochondria。Hehadbecomesocompletelyabsorbedinhimself,andisolatedfromhisfellowsthathedreadedmeeting,notonlyhislandlady,butanyoneatall。Hewascrushedbypoverty,buttheanxietiesofhispositionhadoflateceasedtoweighuponhim。Hehadgivenupattendingtomattersofpracticalimportance;hehadlostalldesiretodoso。Nothingthatanylandladycoulddohadarealterrorforhim。Buttobestoppedonthestairs,tobeforcedtolistentohertrivial,irrelevantgossip,topesteringdemandsforpayment,threatsandcomplaints,andtorackhisbrainsforexcuses,toprevaricate,tolie-no,ratherthanthat,hewouldcreepdownthestairslikeacatandslipoutunseen。
Thisevening,however,oncomingoutintothestreet,hebecameacutelyawareofhisfears。
“Iwanttoattemptathinglikethatandamfrightenedbythesetrifles,“hethought,withanoddsmile。“Hm……yes,allisinaman\'shandsandheletsitallslipfromcowardice,that\'sanaxiom。Itwouldbeinterestingtoknowwhatitismenaremostafraidof。Takinganewstep,utteringanewwordiswhattheyfearmost……ButIamtalkingtoomuch。It\'sbecauseIchatterthatIdonothing。OrperhapsitisthatIchatterbecauseIdonothing。I\'velearnedtochatterthislastmonth,lyingfordaystogetherinmydenthinking……ofJacktheGiant-killer。WhyamIgoingtherenow?AmIcapableofthat?Isthatserious?Itisnotseriousatall。It\'ssimplyafantasytoamusemyself;aplaything!Yes,maybeitisaplaything。“
Theheatinthestreetwasterrible：andtheairlessness,thebustleandtheplaster,scaffolding,bricks,anddustallabouthim,andthatspecialPetersburgstench,sofamiliartoallwhoareunabletogetoutoftowninsummer-allworkedpainfullyupontheyoungman\'salreadyoverwroughtnerves。Theinsufferablestenchfromthepot-houses,whichareparticularlynumerousinthatpartofthetown,andthedrunkenmenwhomhemetcontinually,althoughitwasaworkingday,completedtherevoltingmiseryofthepicture。Anexpressionoftheprofoundestdisgustgleamedforamomentintheyoungman\'srefinedface。Hewas,bytheway,exceptionallyhandsome,abovetheaverageinheight,slim,well-built,withbeautifuldarkeyesanddarkbrownhair。Soonhesankintodeepthought,ormoreaccuratelyspeakingintoacompleteblanknessofmind;hewalkedalongnotobservingwhatwasabouthimandnotcaringtoobserveit。Fromtimetotime,hewouldmuttersomething,fromthehabitoftalkingtohimself,towhichhehadjustconfessed。Atthesemomentshewouldbecomeconsciousthathisideasweresometimesinatangleandthathewasveryweak;fortwodayshehadscarcelytastedfood。
Hewassobadlydressedthatevenamanaccustomedtoshabbinesswouldhavebeenashamedtobeseeninthestreetinsuchrags。Inthatquarterofthetown,however,scarcelyanyshortcomingindresswouldhavecreatedsurprise。OwingtotheproximityoftheHayMarket,thenumberofestablishmentsofbadcharacter,thepreponderanceofthetradingandworkingclasspopulationcrowdedinthesestreetsandalleysintheheartofPetersburg,typessovariousweretobeseeninthestreetsthatnofigure,howeverqueer,wouldhavecausedsurprise。Buttherewassuchaccumulatedbitternessandcontemptintheyoungman\'sheart,that,inspiteofallthefastidiousnessofyouth,hemindedhisragsleastofallinthestreet。Itwasadifferentmatterwhenhemetwithacquaintancesorwithformerfellowstudents,whom,indeed,hedislikedmeetingatanytime。Andyetwhenadrunkenmanwho,forsomeunknownreason,wasbeingtakensomewhereinahugewaggondraggedbyaheavydrayhorse,suddenlyshoutedathimashedrovepast：“Heythere,Germanhatter“bawlingatthetopofhisvoiceandpointingathim-theyoungmanstoppedsuddenlyandclutchedtremulouslyathishat。ItwasatallroundhatfromZimmerman\'s,butcompletelywornout,rustywithage,alltornandbespattered,brimlessandbentononesideinamostunseemlyfashion。Notshame,however,butquiteanotherfeelingakintoterrorhadovertakenhim。
“Iknewit,“hemutteredinconfusion,“Ithoughtso!That\'stheworstofall!Why,astupidthinglikethis,themosttrivialdetailmightspoilthewholeplan。Yes,myhatistoonoticeable……Itlooksabsurdandthatmakesitnoticeable……WithmyragsIoughttowearacap,anysortofoldpancake,butnotthisgrotesquething。Nobodywearssuchahat,itwouldbenoticedamileoff,itwouldberemembered……Whatmattersisthatpeoplewouldrememberit,andthatwouldgivethemaclue。Forthisbusinessoneshouldbeaslittleconspicuousaspossible……Trifles,triflesarewhatmatter!Why,it\'sjustsuchtriflesthatalwaysruineverything……“
Hehadnotfartogo;heknewindeedhowmanystepsitwasfromthegateofhislodginghouse：exactlysevenhundredandthirty。Hehadcountedthemoncewhenhehadbeenlostindreams。Atthetimehehadputnofaithinthosedreamsandwasonlytantalisinghimselfbytheirhideousbutdaringrecklessness。Now,amonthlater,hehadbeguntolookuponthemdifferently,and,inspiteofthemonologuesinwhichhejeeredathisownimpotenceandindecision,hehadinvoluntarilycometoregardthis“hideous“dreamasanexploittobeattempted,althoughhestilldidnotrealisethishimself。Hewaspositivelygoingnowfora“rehearsal“ofhisproject,andateverystephisexcitementgrewmoreandmoreviolent。
Withasinkingheartandanervoustremor,hewentuptoahugehousewhichononesidelookedontothecanal,andontheotherintothestreet。Thishousewasletoutintinytenementsandwasinhabitedbyworkingpeopleofallkinds-tailors,locksmiths,cooks,Germansofsorts,girlspickingupalivingasbesttheycould,pettyclerks,&c。Therewasacontinualcomingandgoingthroughthetwogatesandinthetwocourtyardsofthehouse。Threeorfourdoor-keeperswereemployedonthebuilding。Theyoungmanwasverygladtomeetnoneofthem,andatonceslippedunnoticedthroughthedoorontheright,andupthestaircase。Itwasabackstaircase,darkandnarrow,buthewasfamiliarwithitalready,andknewhisway,andhelikedallthesesurroundings：insuchdarknesseventhemostinquisitiveeyeswerenottobedreaded。
“IfIamsoscarednow,whatwoulditbeifitsomehowcametopassthatIwerereallygoingtodoit？”hecouldnothelpaskinghimselfashereachedthefourthstorey。Therehisprogresswasbarredbysomeporterswhowereengagedinmovingfurnitureoutofaflat。HeknewthattheflathadbeenoccupiedbyaGermanclerkinthecivilservice,andhisfamily。ThisGermanwasmovingoutthen,andsothefourthflooronthisstaircasewouldbeuntenantedexceptbytheoldwoman。“That\'sagoodthinganyway,“hethoughttohimself,asherangthebelloftheoldwoman\'sflat。Thebellgaveafainttinkleasthoughitweremadeoftinandnotofcopper。Thelittleflatsinsuchhousesalwayshavebellsthatringlikethat。Hehadforgottenthenoteofthatbell,andnowitspeculiartinkleseemedtoremindhimofsomethingandtobringitclearlybeforehim……Hestarted,hisnerveswereterriblyoverstrainedbynow。Inalittlewhile,thedoorwasopenedatinycrack：theoldwomaneyedhervisitorwithevidentdistrustthroughthecrack,andnothingcouldbeseenbutherlittleeyes,glitteringinthedarkness。But,seeinganumberofpeopleonthelanding,shegrewbolder,andopenedthedoorwide。
Theyoungmansteppedintothedarkentry,whichwaspartitionedofffromthetinykitchen。Theoldwomanstoodfacinghiminsilenceandlookinginquiringlyathim。Shewasadiminutive,witheredupoldwomanofsixty,withsharpmalignanteyesandasharplittlenose。Hercolourless,somewhatgrizzledhairwasthicklysmearedwithoil,andsheworenokerchiefoverit。Roundherthinlongneck,whichlookedlikeahen\'sleg,wasknottedsomesortofflannelrag,and,inspiteoftheheat,therehungflappingonhershoulders,amangyfurcape,yellowwithage。Theoldwomancoughedandgroanedateveryinstant。Theyoungmanmusthavelookedatherwitharatherpeculiarexpression,foragleamofmistrustcameintohereyesagain。
“Raskolnikov,astudent,Icamehereamonthago,“theyoungmanmadehastetomutter,withahalfbow,rememberingthatheoughttobemorepolite。
“Iremember,mygoodsir,Irememberquitewellyourcominghere,“
theoldwomansaiddistinctly,stillkeepingherinquiringeyesonhisface。
“Andhere……Iamagainonthesameerrand,“Raskolnikovcontinued,alittledisconcertedandsurprisedattheoldwoman\'smistrust。“Perhapssheisalwayslikethatthough,onlyIdidnotnoticeittheothertime,“hethoughtwithanuneasyfeeling。
Theoldwomanpaused,asthoughhesitating;thensteppedononeside,andpointingtothedooroftheroom,shesaid,lettinghervisitorpassinfrontofher：
“Stepin,mygoodsir。“
Thelittleroomintowhichtheyoungmanwalked,withyellowpaperonthewalls,geraniumsandmuslincurtainsinthewindows,wasbrightlylightedupatthatmomentbythesettingsun。
“Sothesunwillshinelikethisthentoo！”flashedasitwerebychancethroughRaskolnikov\'smind,andwitharapidglancehescannedeverythingintheroom,tryingasfaraspossibletonoticeandrememberitsarrangement。Buttherewasnothingspecialintheroom。Thefurniture,allveryoldandofyellowwood,consistedofasofawithahugebentwoodenback,anovaltableinfrontofthesofa,adressing-tablewithalooking-glassfixedonitbetweenthewindows,chairsalongthewallsandtwoorthreehalf-pennyprintsinyellowframes,representingGermandamselswithbirdsintheirhands-thatwasall。Inthecorneralightwasburningbeforeasmallikon。
Everythingwasveryclean;thefloorandthefurniturewerebrightlypolished;everythingshone。
“Lizaveta\'swork,“thoughttheyoungman。Therewasnotaspeckofdusttobeseeninthewholeflat。
“It\'sinthehousesofspitefuloldwidowsthatonefindssuchcleanliness,“Raskolnikovthoughtagain,andhestoleacuriousglanceatthecottoncurtainoverthedoorleadingintoanothertinyroom,inwhichstoodtheoldwoman\'sbedandchestofdrawersandintowhichhehadneverlookedbefore。Thesetworoomsmadeupthewholeflat。
“Whatdoyouwant？”theoldwomansaidseverely,comingintotheroomand,asbefore,standinginfrontofhimsoastolookhimstraightintheface。
“I\'vebroughtsomethingtopawnhere,“andhedrewoutofhispocketanold-fashionedflatsilverwatch,onthebackofwhichwasengravedaglobe;thechainwasofsteel。
“Butthetimeisupforyourlastpledge。Themonthwasupthedaybeforeyesterday。“
“Iwillbringyoutheinterestforanothermonth;waitalittle。“
“Butthat\'sformetodoasIplease,mygoodsir,towaitortosellyourpledgeatonce。“
“Howmuchwillyougivemeforthewatch,AlyonaIvanovna？”
“Youcomewithsuchtrifles,mygoodsir,it\'sscarcelyworthanything。Igaveyoutworoubleslasttimeforyourringandonecouldbuyitquitenewatajeweler\'sforaroubleandahalf。“
“Givemefourroublesforit,Ishallredeemit,itwasmyfather\'s。
Ishallbegettingsomemoneysoon。“
“Aroubleandahalf,andinterestinadvance,ifyoulike！”
“Aroubleandahalf！”criedtheyoungman。
“Pleaseyourself“-andtheoldwomanhandedhimbackthewatch。
Theyoungmantookit,andwassoangrythathewasonthepointofgoingaway;butcheckedhimselfatonce,rememberingthattherewasnowhereelsehecouldgo,andthathehadhadanotherobjectalsoincoming。
“Handitover,“hesaidroughly。
Theoldwomanfumbledinherpocketforherkeys,anddisappearedbehindthecurtainintotheotherroom。Theyoungman,leftstandingaloneinthemiddleoftheroom,listenedinquisitively,thinking。
Hecouldhearherunlockingthechestofdrawers。
“Itmustbethetopdrawer,“hereflected。“Soshecarriesthekeysinapocketontheright。Allinonebunchonasteelring……
Andthere\'sonekeythere,threetimesasbigasalltheothers,withdeepnotches;thatcan\'tbethekeyofthechestofdrawers……
thentheremustbesomeotherchestorstrong-box……that\'sworthknowing。Strong-boxesalwayshavekeyslikethat……buthowdegradingitallis。“
Theoldwomancameback。
“Here,sir：aswesaytencopeckstheroubleamonth,soImusttakefifteencopecksfromaroubleandahalfforthemonthinadvance。ButforthetworoublesIlentyoubefore,youowemenowtwentycopecksonthesamereckoninginadvance。Thatmakesthirty-fivecopecksaltogether。SoImustgiveyouaroubleandfifteencopecksforthewatch。Hereitis。“
“What!onlyaroubleandfifteencopecksnow！”
“Justso。“
Theyoungmandidnotdisputeitandtookthemoney。Helookedattheoldwoman,andwasinnohurrytogetaway,asthoughtherewasstillsomethinghewantedtosayortodo,buthedidnothimselfquiteknowwhat。
“Imaybebringingyousomethingelseinadayortwo,AlyonaIvanovna-avaluablething-silver-acigarettebox,assoonasI
getitbackfromafriend……“hebrokeoffinconfusion。
“Well,wewilltalkaboutitthen,sir。“
“Good-bye-areyoualwaysathomealone,yoursisterisnotherewithyou？”Heaskedherascasuallyaspossibleashewentoutintothepassage。
“Whatbusinessissheofyours,mygoodsir？”
“Oh,nothingparticular,Isimplyasked。Youaretooquick……
Good-day,AlyonaIvanovna。“
Raskolnikovwentoutincompleteconfusion。Thisconfusionbecamemoreandmoreintense。Ashewentdownthestairs,heevenstoppedshort,twoorthreetimes,asthoughsuddenlystruckbysomethought。Whenhewasinthestreethecriedout,“Oh,God,howloathsomeitallis!andcanI,canIpossibly……No,it\'snonsense,it\'srubbish！”headdedresolutely。“Andhowcouldsuchanatrociousthingcomeintomyhead?Whatfilthythingsmyheartiscapableof。Yes,filthyaboveall,disgusting,loathsome,loathsome!-andforawholemonthI\'vebeen……“Butnowords,noexclamations,couldexpresshisagitation。Thefeelingofintenserepulsion,whichhadbeguntooppressandtorturehisheartwhilehewasonhiswaytotheoldwoman,hadbynowreachedsuchapitchandhadtakensuchadefiniteformthathedidnotknowwhattodowithhimselftoescapefromhiswretchedness。Hewalkedalongthepavementlikeadrunkenman,regardlessofthepassers-by,andjostlingagainstthem,andonlycametohissenseswhenhewasinthenextstreet。Lookinground,henoticedthathewasstandingclosetoatavernwhichwasenteredbystepsleadingfromthepavementtothebasement。Atthatinstanttwodrunkenmencameoutatthedoor,andabusingandsupportingoneanother,theymountedthesteps。
Withoutstoppingtothink,Raskolnikovwentdownthestepsatonce。
Tillthatmomenthehadneverbeenintoatavern,butnowhefeltgiddyandwastormentedbyaburningthirst。Helongedforadrinkofcoldbeer,andattributedhissuddenweaknesstothewantoffood。Hesatdownatastickylittletableinadarkanddirtycorner;
orderedsomebeer,andeagerlydrankoffthefirstglassful。Atoncehefelteasier;andhisthoughtsbecameclear。
“Allthat\'snonsense,“hesaidhopefully,“andthereisnothinginitalltoworryabout!It\'ssimplyphysicalderangement。Justaglassofbeer,apieceofdrybread-andinonemomentthebrainisstronger,themindisclearerandthewillisfirm!Phew,howutterlypettyitallis！”
Butinspiteofthisscornfulreflection,hewasbynowlookingcheerfulasthoughheweresuddenlysetfreefromaterribleburden：
andhegazedroundinafriendlywayatthepeopleintheroom。Butevenatthatmomenthehadadimforebodingthatthishappierframeofmindwasalsonotnormal。
Therewerefewpeopleatthetimeinthetavern。Besidesthetwodrunkenmenhehadmetonthesteps,agroupconsistingofaboutfivemenandagirlwithaconcertinahadgoneoutatthesametime。
Theirdeparturelefttheroomquietandratherempty。Thepersonsstillinthetavernwereamanwhoappearedtobeanartisan,drunk,butnotextremelyso,sittingbeforeapotofbeer,andhiscompanion,ahuge,stoutmanwithagreybeard,inashortfull-skirtedcoat。
Hewasverydrunk：andhaddroppedasleeponthebench;everynowandthen,hebeganasthoughinhissleep,crackinghisfingers,withhisarmswideapartandtheupperpartofhisbodyboundingaboutonthebench,whilehehummedsomemeaninglessrefrain,tryingtorecallsomesuchlinesasthese：-
“HiswifeayearhefondlylovedHiswifea-ayearhe-fondlyloved。“-
Orsuddenlywakingupagain：-
“WalkingalongthecrowdedrowHemettheoneheusedtoknow。“-
Butnoonesharedhisenjoyment：hissilentcompanionlookedwithpositivehostilityandmistrustatallthesemanifestations。Therewasanothermanintheroomwholookedsomewhatlikearetiredgovernmentclerk。Hewassittingapart,nowandthensippingfromhispotandlookingroundatthecompany。He,too,appearedtobeinsomeagitation。
ChapterTwoRASKOLNIKOVwasnotusedtocrowds,and,aswesaidbefore,heavoidedsocietyofeverysort,moreespeciallyoflate。Butnowallatoncehefeltadesiretobewithotherpeople。Somethingnewseemedtobetakingplacewithinhim,andwithithefeltasortofthirstforcompany。Hewassowearyafterawholemonthofconcentratedwretchednessandgloomyexcitementthathelongedtorest,ifonlyforamoment,insomeotherworld,whateveritmightbe;and,inspiteofthefilthinessofthesurroundings,hewasgladnowtostayinthetavern。
Themasteroftheestablishmentwasinanotherroom,buthefrequentlycamedownsomestepsintothemainroom,hisjaunty,tarredbootswithredturn-overtopscomingintovieweachtimebeforetherestofhisperson。Heworeafullcoatandahorriblygreasyblacksatinwaistcoat,withnocravat,andhiswholefaceseemedsmearedwithoillikeanironlock。Atthecounterstoodaboyofaboutfourteen,andtherewasanotherboysomewhatyoungerwhohandedwhateverwaswanted。Onthecounterlaysomeslicedcucumber,somepiecesofdriedblackbread,andsomefish,choppedupsmall,allsmellingverybad。Itwasinsufferablyclose,andsoheavywiththefumesofspiritsthatfiveminutesinsuchanatmospheremightwellmakeamandrunk。
Therearechancemeetingswithstrangersthatinterestusfromthefirstmoment,beforeawordisspoken。SuchwastheimpressionmadeonRaskolnikovbythepersonsittingalittledistancefromhim,wholookedlikearetiredclerk。Theyoungmanoftenrecalledthisimpressionafterwards,andevenascribedittopresentiment。Helookedrepeatedlyattheclerk,partlynodoubtbecausethelatterwasstaringpersistentlyathim,obviouslyanxioustoenterintoconversation。Attheotherpersonsintheroom,includingthetavern-keeper,theclerklookedasthoughhewereusedtotheircompany,andwearyofit,showingashadeofcondescendingcontemptforthemaspersonsofstationandcultureinferiortohisown,withwhomitwouldbeuselessforhimtoconverse。Hewasamanoverfifty,baldandgrizzled,ofmediumheight,andstoutlybuilt。Hisface,bloatedfromcontinualdrinking,wasofayellow,evengreenish,tinge,withswolleneyelidsoutofwhichkeenreddisheyesgleamedlikelittlechinks。Buttherewassomethingverystrangeinhim;therewasalightinhiseyesasthoughofintensefeeling-perhapstherewereeventhoughtandintelligence,butatthesametimetherewasagleamofsomethinglikemadness。Hewaswearinganoldandhopelesslyraggedblackdresscoat,withallitsbuttonsmissingexceptone,andthatonehehadbuttoned,evidentlyclingingtothislasttraceofrespectability。Acrumpledshirtfrontcoveredwithspotsandstains,protrudedfromhiscanvaswaistcoat。Likeaclerk,heworenobeard,normoustache,buthadbeensolongunshaventhathischinlookedlikeastiffgreyishbrush。Andtherewassomethingrespectableandlikeanofficialabouthismannertoo。Buthewasrestless;heruffleduphishairandfromtimetotimelethisheaddropintohishandsdejectedlyrestinghisraggedelbowsonthestainedandstickytable。AtlasthelookedstraightatRaskolnikov,andsaidloudlyandresolutely：
“MayIventure,honouredsir,toengageyouinpoliteconversation?Forasmuchas,thoughyourexteriorwouldnotcommandrespect,myexperienceadmonishesmethatyouareamanofeducationandnotaccustomedtodrinking。Ihavealwaysrespectededucationwheninconjunctionwithgenuinesentiments,andIambesidesatitularcounsellorinrank。Marmeladov-suchismyname;titularcounsellor。I
makeboldtoinquire-haveyoubeenintheservice？”
“No,Iamstudying,“answeredtheyoungman,somewhatsurprisedatthegrandiloquentstyleofthespeakerandalsoatbeingsodirectlyaddressed。Inspiteofthemomentarydesirehehadjustbeenfeelingforcompanyofanysort,onbeingactuallyspokentohefeltimmediatelyhishabitualirritableanduneasyaversionforanystrangerwhoapproachedorattemptedtoapproachhim。
“Astudentthen,orformerlyastudent,“criedtheclerk。“JustwhatIthought!I\'mamanofexperience,immenseexperience,sir,“andhetappedhisforeheadwithhisfingersinself-approval。“You\'vebeenastudentorhaveattendedsomelearnedinstitution!……Butallowme……“Hegotup,staggered,tookuphisjugandglass,andsatdownbesidetheyoungman,facinghimalittlesideways。Hewasdrunk,butspokefluentlyandboldly,onlyoccasionallylosingthethreadofhissentencesanddrawlinghiswords。HepounceduponRaskolnikovasgreedilyasthoughhetoohadnotspokentoasoulforamonth。
“Honouredsir,“hebeganalmostwithsolemnity,“povertyisnotavice,that\'satruesaying。YetIknowtoothatdrunkennessisnotavirtue,andthatthat\'seventruer。Butbeggary,honouredsir,beggaryisavice。Inpovertyyoumaystillretainyourinnatenobilityofsoul,butinbeggary-never-noone。Forbeggaryamanisnotchasedoutofhumansocietywithastick,heissweptoutwithabroom,soastomakeitashumiliatingaspossible;andquiteright,too,forasmuchasinbeggaryIamreadytobethefirsttohumiliatemyself。Hencethepot-house!Honouredsir,amonthagoMr。Lebeziatnikovgavemywifeabeating,andmywifeisaverydifferentmatterfromme!Doyouunderstand?Allowmetoaskyouanotherquestionoutofsimplecuriosity：haveyoueverspentanightonahaybarge,ontheNeva？”
“No,Ihavenothappenedto,“answeredRaskolnikov。“Whatdoyoumean？”
“Well,I\'vejustcomefromoneandit\'sthefifthnightI\'vesleptso……“Hefilledhisglass,emptieditandpaused。Bitsofhaywereinfactclingingtohisclothesandstickingtohishair。Itseemedquiteprobablethathehadnotundressedorwashedforthelastfivedays。Hishands,particularly,werefilthy。Theywerefatandred,withblacknails。
Hisconversationseemedtoexciteageneralthoughlanguidinterest。
Theboysatthecounterfelltosniggering。Theinnkeepercamedownfromtheupperroom,apparentlyonpurposetolistentothe“funnyfellow“andsatdownatalittledistance,yawninglazily,butwithdignity。EvidentlyMarmeladovwasafamiliarfigurehere,andhehadmostlikelyacquiredhisweaknessforhigh-flownspeechesfromthehabitoffrequentlyenteringintoconversationwithstrangersofallsortsinthetavern。Thishabitdevelopsintoanecessityinsomedrunkards,andespeciallyinthosewhoarelookedaftersharplyandkeptinorderathome。Henceinthecompanyofotherdrinkerstheytrytojustifythemselvesandevenifpossibleobtainconsideration。
“Funnyfellow！”pronouncedtheinnkeeper。“Andwhydon\'tyouwork,whyaren\'tyouatyourduty,ifyouareintheservice？”
“WhyamInotatmyduty,honouredsir,“Marmeladovwenton,addressinghimselfexclusivelytoRaskolnikov,asthoughithadbeenhewhoputthatquestiontohim。“WhyamInotatmyduty?DoesnotmyheartachetothinkwhatauselesswormIam?AmonthagowhenMr。
Lebeziatnikovbeatmywifewithhisownhands,andIlaydrunk,didn\'tIsuffer?Excuseme,youngman,hasiteverhappenedtoyou……hm……
well,topetitionhopelesslyforaloan？”
“Yes,ithas。Butwhatdoyoumeanbyhopelessly？”
“Hopelesslyinthefullestsense,whenyouknowbeforehandthatyouwillgetnothingbyit。Youknow,forinstance,beforehandwithpositivecertaintythatthisman,thismostreputableandexemplarycitizen,willonnoconsiderationgiveyoumoney;andindeedIaskyouwhyshouldhe?ForheknowsofcoursethatIshan\'tpayitback。
Fromcompassion?ButMr。Lebeziatnikovwhokeepsupwithmodernideasexplainedtheotherdaythatcompassionisforbiddennowadaysbyscienceitself,andthatthat\'swhatisdonenowinEngland,wherethereispoliticaleconomy。Why,Iaskyou,shouldhegiveittome?
AndyetthoughIknowbeforehandthathewon\'t,Isetofftohimand……“
“Whydoyougo？”putinRaskolnikov。
“Well,whenonehasnoone,nowhereelseonecango!Foreverymanmusthavesomewheretogo。Sincetherearetimeswhenoneabsolutelymustgosomewhere!Whenmyowndaughterfirstwentoutwithayellowticket,thenIhadtogo……formydaughterhasayellowpassport,“headdedinparenthesis,lookingwithacertainuneasinessattheyoungman。“Nomatter,sir,nomatter！”hewentonhurriedlyandwithapparentcomposurewhenboththeboysatthecounterguffawedandeventheinnkeepersmiled-“Nomatter,Iamnotconfoundedbythewaggingoftheirheads;foreveryoneknowseverythingaboutitalready,andallthatissecretismadeopen。AndIacceptitall,notwithcontempt,butwithhumility。Sobeit!Sobeit!\'Beholdtheman!\'Excuseme,youngman,canyou……No,toputitmorestronglyandmoredistinctly;notcanyoubutdareyou,lookinguponme,assertthatIamnotapig？”
Theyoungmandidnotansweraword。
“Well,“theoratorbeganagainstolidlyandwithevenincreaseddignity,afterwaitingforthelaughterintheroomtosubside。“Well,sobeit,Iamapig,butsheisalady!Ihavethesemblanceofabeast,butKaterinaIvanovna,myspouse,isapersonofeducationandanofficer\'sdaughter。Granted,granted,Iamascoundrel,butsheisawomanofanobleheart,fullofsentiments,refinedbyeducation。
Andyet……oh,ifonlyshefeltforme!Honouredsir,honouredsir,youknoweverymanoughttohaveatleastoneplacewherepeoplefeelforhim!ButKaterinaIvanovna,thoughsheismagnanimous,sheisunjust……Andyet,althoughIrealisethatwhenshepullsmyhairsheonlydoesitoutofpity-forIrepeatwithoutbeingashamed,shepullsmyhair,youngman,“hedeclaredwithredoubleddignity,hearingthesniggeringagain-“but,myGod,ifshewouldbutonce……Butno,no!It\'sallinvainandit\'snousetalking!Nousetalking!
Formorethanonce,mywishdidcometrueandmorethanonceshehasfeltformebut……suchismyfateandIamabeastbynature！”
“Rather！”assentedtheinnkeeperyawning。Marmeladovstruckhisfistresolutelyonthetable。
“Suchismyfate!Doyouknow,sir,doyouknow,Ihavesoldherverystockingsfordrink?Nothershoes-thatwouldbemoreorlessintheorderofthings,butherstockings,herstockingsIhavesoldfordrink!HermohairshawlIsoldfordrink,apresenttoherlongago,herownproperty,notmine;andweliveinacoldroomandshecaughtcoldthiswinterandhasbeguncoughingandspittingbloodtoo。
WehavethreelittlechildrenandKaterinaIvanovnaisatworkfrommorningtillnight;sheisscrubbingandcleaningandwashingthechildren,forshe\'sbeenusedtocleanlinessfromachild。ButherchestisweakandshehasatendencytoconsumptionandIfeelit!
DoyousupposeIdon\'tfeelit?AndthemoreIdrinkthemoreIfeelit。That\'swhyIdrinktoo。Itrytofindsympathyandfeelingindrink……IdrinksothatImaysuffertwiceasmuch！”Andasthoughindespairhelaidhisheaddownonthetable。
“Youngman,“hewenton,raisinghisheadagain,“inyourfaceI
seemtoreadsometroubleofmind。WhenyoucameinIreadit,andthatwaswhyIaddressedyouatonce。Forinunfoldingtoyouthestoryofmylife,Idonotwishtomakemyselfalaughing-stockbeforetheseidlelisteners,whoindeedknowallaboutitalready,butIamlookingforamanoffeelingandeducation。Knowthenthatmywifewaseducatedinahigh-classschoolforthedaughtersofnoblemen,andonleavingshedancedtheshawldancebeforethegovernorandotherpersonagesforwhichshewaspresentedwithagoldmedalandacertificateofmerit。Themedal……well,themedalofcoursewassold-
longago,hm……butthecertificateofmeritisinhertrunkstillandnotlongagosheshowedittoourlandlady。Andalthoughsheismostcontinuallyonbadtermswiththelandlady,yetshewantedtotellsomeoneorotherofherpasthonoursandofthehappydaysthataregone。Idon\'tcondemnherforit,Idon\'tblameher,fortheonethingleftherisrecollectionofthepast,andalltherestisdustandashes。Yes,yes,sheisaladyofspirit,proudanddetermined。Shescrubsthefloorsherselfandhasnothingbutblackbreadtoeat,butwon\'tallowherselftobetreatedwithdisrespect。That\'swhyshewouldnotoverlookMr。Lebeziatnikov\'srudenesstoher,andsowhenhegaveherabeatingforit,shetooktoherbedmorefromthehurttoherfeelingsthanfromtheblows。ShewasawidowwhenI
marriedher,withthreechildren,onesmallerthantheother。Shemarriedherfirsthusband,aninfantryofficer,forlove,andranawaywithhimfromherfather\'shouse。Shewasexceedinglyfondofherhusband;buthegavewaytocards,gotintotroubleandwiththathedied。Heusedtobeatherattheend：andalthoughshepaidhimback,ofwhichIhaveauthenticdocumentaryevidence,tothisdayshespeaksofhimwithtearsandshethrowshimuptome;andIamglad,Iamgladthat,thoughonlyinimagination,sheshouldthinkofherselfashavingoncebeenhappy……AndshewasleftathisdeathwiththreechildreninawildandremotedistrictwhereIhappenedtobeatthetime;andshewasleftinsuchhopelesspovertythat,althoughIhaveseenmanyupsanddownsofallsort,Idon\'tfeelequaltodescribingiteven。Herrelationshadallthrownheroff。Andshewasproud,too,excessivelyproud……Andthen,honouredsir,andthen,I,beingatthetimeawidower,withadaughteroffourteenleftmebymyfirstwife,offeredhermyhand,forIcouldnotbearthesightofsuchsuffering。Youcanjudgetheextremityofhercalamities,thatshe,awomanofeducationandcultureanddistinguishedfamily,shouldhaveconsentedtobemywife。Butshedid!Weepingandsobbingandwringingherhands,shemarriedme!Forshehadnowheretoturn!Doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatitmeanswhenyouhaveabsolutelynowheretoturn?No,thatyoudon\'tunderstandyet……Andforawholeyear,Iperformedmydutiesconscientiouslyandfaithfully,anddidnottouchthis“hetappedthejugwithhisfinger,“forIhavefeelings。Butevenso,Icouldnotpleaseher;andthenIlostmyplacetoo,andthatthroughnofaultofminebutthroughchangesintheoffice;andthenIdidtouchit!……Itwillbeayearandahalfagosoonsincewefoundourselvesatlastaftermanywanderingsandnumerouscalamitiesinthismagnificentcapital,adornedwithinnumerablemonuments。HereIobtainedasituation……IobtaineditandIlostitagain。Doyouunderstand?
ThistimeitwasthroughmyownfaultIlostit：formyweaknesshadcomeout……WehavenowpartofaroomatAmaliaFyodorovnaLippevechsel\'s;andwhatweliveuponandwhatwepayourrentwith,I
couldnotsay。Therearealotofpeoplelivingtherebesidesourselves。Dirtanddisorder,aperfectBedlam……hm……yes……Andmeanwhilemydaughterbymyfirstwifehasgrownup;andwhatmydaughterhashadtoputupwithfromherstep-motherwhilstshewasgrowingup,Iwon\'tspeakof。For,thoughKaterinaIvanovnaisfullofgenerousfeelings,sheisaspiritedlady,irritableandshort-tempered……Yes。Butit\'snousegoingoverthat!Sonia,asyoumaywellfancy,hashadnoeducation。Ididmakeaneffortfouryearsagotogiveheracourseofgeographyanduniversalhistory,butasIwasnotverywellupinthosesubjectsmyselfandwehadnosuitablebooks,andwhatbookswehad……hm,anywaywehavenoteventhosenow,soallourinstructioncametoanend。WestoppedatCyrusofPersia。Sinceshehasattainedyearsofmaturity,shehasreadotherbooksofromantictendencyandoflateshehadreadwithgreatinterestabookshegotthroughMr。Lebeziatnikov,Lewes\'
Physiology-doyouknowit?-andevenrecountedextractsfromittous：andthat\'sthewholeofhereducation。AndnowmayIventuretoaddressyou,honouredsir,onmyownaccountwithaprivatequestion。Doyousupposethatarespectablepoorgirlcanearnmuchbyhonestwork?Notfifteenfarthingsadaycansheearn,ifsheisrespectableandhasnospecialtalentandthatwithoutputtingherworkdownforaninstant!Andwhat\'smore,IvanIvanitchKlopstockthecivilcounsellor-haveyouheardofhim?-hasnottothisdaypaidherforthehalf-dozenlinenshirtsshemadehimanddroveherroughlyaway,stampingandrevilingher,onthepretextthattheshirtcollarswerenotmadelikethepatternandwereputinaskew。Andtherearethelittleoneshungry……AndKaterinaIvanovnawalkingupanddownandwringingherhands,hercheeksflushedred,astheyalwaysareinthatdisease：\'Hereyoulivewithus,\'saysshe,\'youeatanddrinkandarekeptwarmandyoudonothingtohelp。\'Andmuchshegetstoeatanddrinkwhenthereisnotacrustforthelittleonesforthreedays!Iwaslyingatthetime……well,whatofit!IwaslyingdrunkandIheardmySoniaspeakingsheisagentlecreaturewithasoftlittlevoice……fairhairandsuchapale,thinlittleface。Shesaid：\'KaterinaIvanovna,amIreallytodoathinglikethat?\'AndDaryaFrantsovna,awomanofevilcharacterandverywellknowntothepolice,hadtwoorthreetimestriedtogetatherthroughthelandlady。\'Andwhynot?\'saidKaterinaIvanovnawithajeer,\'youaresomethingmightyprecioustobesocarefulof!\'Butdon\'tblameher,don\'tblameher,honouredsir,don\'tblameher!Shewasnotherselfwhenshespoke,butdriventodistractionbyherillnessandthecryingofthehungrychildren;anditwassaidmoretowoundherthananythingelse……Forthat\'sKaterinaIvanovna\'scharacter,andwhenchildrencry,evenfromhunger,shefallstobeatingthematonce。Atsixo\'clockIsawSoniagetup,putonherkerchiefandhercape,andgooutoftheroomandaboutnineo\'clockshecameback。ShewalkedstraightuptoKaterinaIvanovnaandshelaidthirtyroublesonthetablebeforeherinsilence。Shedidnotutteraword,shedidnotevenlookather,shesimplypickedupourbiggreendrapdedamesshawlwehaveashawl,madeofdrapdedames,putitoverherheadandfaceandlaydownonthebedwithherfacetothewall;onlyherlittleshouldersandherbodykeptshuddering……AndIwentonlyingthere,justasbefore……AndthenIsaw,youngman,IsawKaterinaIvanovna,inthesamesilencegouptoSonia\'slittlebed;
shewasonherkneesalltheeveningkissingSonia\'sfeet,andwouldnotgetup,andthentheybothfellasleepineachother\'sarms……
together,together……yes……andI……laydrunk。“
Marmeladovstoppedshort,asthoughhisvoicehadfailedhim。Thenhehurriedlyfilledhisglass,drank,andclearedhisthroat。
“Sincethen,sir,“hewentonafterabriefpause-“Sincethen,owingtoanunfortunateoccurrenceandthroughinformationgivenbyevil-intentionedpersons-inallwhichDaryaFrantsovnatookaleadingpartonthepretextthatshehadbeentreatedwithwantofrespect-
sincethenmydaughterSofyaSemyonovnahasbeenforcedtotakeayellowticket,andowingtothatsheisunabletogoonlivingwithus。Forourlandlady,AmaliaFyodorovnawouldnothearofitthoughshehadbackedupDaryaFrantsovnabeforeandMr。Lebeziatnikovtoo……hm……AllthetroublebetweenhimandKaterinaIvanovnawasonSonia\'saccount。AtfirsthewasformakinguptoSoniahimselfandthenallofasuddenhestoodonhisdignity：\'how,\'saidhe,\'canahighlyeducatedmanlikemeliveinthesameroomswithagirllikethat?\'AndKaterinaIvanovnawouldnotletitpass,shestoodupforher……andsothat\'showithappened。AndSoniacomestousnow,mostlyafterdark;shecomfortsKaterinaIvanovnaandgivesherallshecan……ShehasaroomattheKapernaumovs,thetailors,shelodgeswiththem;Kapernaumovisalamemanwithacleftpalateandallofhisnumerousfamilyhavecleftpalatestoo。Andhiswife,too,hasacleftpalate。Theyallliveinoneroom,butSoniahasherown,partitionedoff……Hm……yes……verypoorpeopleandallwithcleftpalates……yes。ThenIgotupinthemorning,andputonmyrags,liftedupmyhandstoheavenandsetofftohisexcellencyIvanAfanasyevitch。HisexcellencyIvanAfanasyevitch,doyouknowhim?No?Well,then,it\'samanofGodyoudon\'tknow。Heiswax……
waxbeforethefaceoftheLord;evenaswaxmelteth!……Hiseyesweredimwhenheheardmystory。\'Marmeladov,oncealreadyyouhavedeceivedmyexpectations……I\'lltakeyouoncemoreonmyownresponsibility\'-that\'swhathesaid,\'remember,\'hesaid,\'andnowyoucango。\'Ikissedthedustathisfeet-inthoughtonly,forinrealityhewouldnothaveallowedmetodoit,beingastatesmanandamanofmodernpoliticalandenlightenedideas。Ireturnedhome,andwhenIannouncedthatI\'dbeentakenbackintotheserviceandshouldreceiveasalary,heavens,whatato-dotherewas……！”
Marmeladovstoppedagaininviolentexcitement。Atthatmomentawholepartyofrevellersalreadydrunkcameinfromthestreet,andthesoundsofahiredconcertinaandthecrackedpipingvoiceofachildofsevensinging“TheHamlet“wereheardintheentry。Theroomwasfilledwithnoise。Thetavern-keeperandtheboyswerebusywiththenew-comers。Marmeladovpayingnoattentiontothenewarrivalscontinuedhisstory。Heappearedbynowtobeextremelyweak,butashebecamemoreandmoredrunk,hebecamemoreandmoretalkative。Therecollectionofhisrecentsuccessingettingthesituationseemedtorevivehim,andwaspositivelyreflectedinasortofradianceonhisface。Raskolnikovlistenedattentively。
“Thatwasfiveweeksago,sir。Yes……AssoonasKaterinaIvanovnaandSoniaheardofit,mercyonus,itwasasthoughI
steppedintothekingdomofHeaven。Itusedtobe：youcanlielikeabeast,nothingbutabuse。Nowtheywerewalkingontiptoe,hushingthechildren。\'SemyonZaharovitchistiredwithhisworkattheoffice,heisresting,shh!\'TheymademecoffeebeforeIwenttoworkandboiledcreamforme!Theybegantogetrealcreamforme,doyouhearthat?Andhowtheymanagedtogettogetherthemoneyforadecentoutfit-elevenroubles,fiftycopecks,Ican\'tguess。Boots,cottonshirt-fronts-mostmagnificent,auniform,theygotupallinsplendidstyle,forelevenroublesandahalf。ThefirstmorningIcamebackfromtheofficeIfoundKaterinaIvanovnahadcookedtwocoursesfordinner-soupandsaltmeatwithhorseradish-whichwehadneverdreamedoftillthen。Shehadnotanydresses……noneatall,butshegotherselfupasthoughsheweregoingonavisit;andnotthatshe\'danythingtodoitwith,shesmartenedherselfupwithnothingatall,she\'ddoneherhairnicely,putonacleancollarofsomesort,cuffs,andthereshewas,quiteadifferentperson,shewasyoungerandbetterlooking。Sonia,mylittledarling,hadonlyhelpedwithmoney\'forthetime,\'shesaid,\'itwon\'tdoformetocomeandseeyoutoooften。Afterdarkmaybewhennoonecansee。\'Doyouhear,doyouhear?Ilaydownforanapafterdinnerandwhatdoyouthink：thoughKaterinaIvanovnahadquarrelledtothelastdegreewithourlandladyAmaliaFyodorovnaonlyaweekbefore,shecouldnotresistthenaskingherintocoffee。Fortwohourstheyweresitting,whisperingtogether。\'SemyonZaharovitchisintheserviceagain,now,andreceivingasalary,\'saysshe,\'andhewenthimselftohisexcellencyandhisexcellencyhimselfcameouttohim,madealltheotherswaitandledSemyonZaharovitchbythehandbeforeeverybodyintohisstudy。\'Doyouhear,doyouhear?\'Tobesure,\'
sayshe,\'SemyonZaharovitch,rememberingyourpastservices,\'sayshe,\'andinspiteofyourpropensitytothatfoolishweakness,sinceyoupromisenowandsincemoreoverwe\'vegotonbadlywithoutyou,\'
doyouhear,doyouhear;\'andso,\'sayshe,\'Irelynowonyourwordasagentleman。\'Andallthat,letmetellyou,shehassimplymadeupforherself,andnotsimplyoutofwantonness,forthesakeofbragging;no,shebelievesitallherself,sheamusesherselfwithherownfancies,uponmywordshedoes!AndIdon\'tblameherforit,no,Idon\'tblameher!……SixdaysagowhenIbroughthermyfirstearningsinfull-twenty-threeroublesfortycopecksaltogether-shecalledmeherpoppet：\'poppet,\'saidshe,\'mylittlepoppet。\'Andwhenwewerebyourselves,youunderstand?Youwouldnotthinkmeabeauty,youwouldnotthinkmuchofmeasahusband,wouldyou?……Well,shepinchedmycheek\'mylittlepoppet,\'saidshe。“
Marmeladovbrokeoff,triedtosmile,butsuddenlyhischinbegantotwitch。Hecontrolledhimselfhowever。Thetavern,thedegradedappearanceoftheman,thefivenightsinthehaybarge,andthepotofspirits,andyetthispoignantloveforhiswifeandchildrenbewilderedhislistener。Raskolnikovlistenedintentlybutwithasicksensation。Hefeltvexedthathehadcomehere。
“Honouredsir,honouredsir,“criedMarmeladovrecoveringhimself-
“Oh,sir,perhapsallthisseemsalaughingmattertoyou,asitdoestoothers,andperhapsIamonlyworryingyouwiththestupidityofallthetrivialdetailsofmyhomelife,butitisnotalaughingmattertome。ForIcanfeelitall……AndthewholeofthatheavenlydayofmylifeandthewholeofthateveningIpassedinfleetingdreamsofhowIwouldarrangeitall,andhowIwoulddressallthechildren,andhowIshouldgiveherrest,andhowIshouldrescuemyowndaughterfromdishonourandrestorehertothebosomofherfamily……Andagreatdealmore……Quiteexcusable,sir。
Well,then,sirMarmeladovsuddenlygaveasortofstart,raisedhisheadandgazedintentlyathislistenerwell,ontheverynextdayafterallthosedreams,thatistosay,exactlyfivedaysago,intheevening,byacunningtrick,likeathiefinthenight,IstolefromKaterinaIvanovnathekeyofherbox,tookoutwhatwasleftofmyearnings,howmuchitwasIhaveforgotten,andnowlookatme,allofyou!It\'sthefifthdaysinceIlefthome,andtheyarelookingformethereandit\'stheendofmyemployment,andmyuniformislyinginatavernontheEgyptianbridge。IexchangeditforthegarmentsI
haveon……andit\'stheendofeverything！”
Marmeladovstruckhisforeheadwithhisfist,clenchedhisteeth,closedhiseyesandleanedheavilywithhiselbowonthetable。Butaminutelaterhisfacesuddenlychangedandwithacertainassumedslynessandaffectationofbravado,heglancedatRaskolnikov,laughedandsaid：
“ThismorningIwenttoseeSonia,Iwenttoaskherforapick-me-up!He-he-he！”
“Youdon\'tsayshegaveittoyou？”criedoneofthenew-comers;
heshoutedthewordsandwentoffintoaguffaw。
“Thisveryquartwasboughtwithhermoney,“Marmeladovdeclared,addressinghimselfexclusivelytoRaskolnikov。“Thirtycopecksshegavemewithherownhands,herlast,allshehad,asIsaw……Shesaidnothing,sheonlylookedatmewithoutaword……Notonearth,butupyonder……theygrieveovermen,theyweep,buttheydon\'tblamethem,theydon\'tblamethem!Butithurtsmore,ithurtsmorewhentheydon\'tblame!Thirtycopecksyes!Andmaybesheneedsthemnow,eh?Whatdoyouthink,mydearsir?Fornowshe\'sgottokeepupherappearance。Itcostsmoney,thatsmartness,thatspecialsmartness,youknow?Doyouunderstand?Andthere\'spomatum,too,yousee,shemusthavethings;petticoats,starchedones,shoes,too,realjauntyonestoshowoffherfootwhenshehastostepoverapuddle。Doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatallthatsmartnessmeans?
AndhereI,herownfather,hereItookthirtycopecksofthatmoneyforadrink!AndIamdrinkingit!AndIhavealreadydrunkit!
Come,whowillhavepityonamanlikeme,eh?Areyousorryforme,sir,ornot?Tellme,sir,areyousorryornot?He-he-he！”
Hewouldhavefilledhisglass,buttherewasnodrinkleft。Thepotwasempty。
“Whatareyoutobepitiedfor？”shoutedthetavern-keeperwhowasagainnearthem。
Shoutsoflaughterandevenoathsfollowed。Thelaughterandtheoathscamefromthosewhowerelisteningandalsofromthosewhohadheardnothingbutweresimplylookingatthefigureofthedischargedgovernmentclerk。
“Tobepitied!WhyamItobepitied？”Marmeladovsuddenlydeclaimed,standingupwithhisarmoutstretched,asthoughhehadbeenonlywaitingforthatquestion。
“WhyamItobepitied,yousay?Yes!there\'snothingtopitymefor!Ioughttobecrucified,crucifiedonacross,notpitied!
Crucifyme,ohjudge,crucifymebutpityme!AndthenIwillgoofmyselftobecrucified,forit\'snotmerry-makingIseekbuttearsandtribulation!……Doyousuppose,youthatsell,thatthispintofyourshasbeensweettome?ItwastribulationIsoughtatthebottomofit,tearsandtribulation,andhavefoundit,andIhavetastedit;butHewillpityusWhohashadpityonallmen,Whohasunderstoodallmenandallthings,HeistheOne。Hetooisthejudge。HewillcomeinthatdayandHewillask：\'Whereisthedaughterwhogaveherselfforhercross,consumptivestep-motherandforthelittlechildrenofanother?Whereisthedaughterwhohadpityuponthefilthydrunkard,herearthlyfather,undismayedbyhisbeastliness?\'AndHewillsay,\'Cometome!Ihavealreadyforgiventheeonce……Ihaveforgiventheeonce……Thysinswhicharemanyareforgiventheeforthouhastlovedmuch……\'AndhewillforgivemySonia,Hewillforgive,Iknowit……IfeltitinmyheartwhenIwaswithherjustnow!AndHewilljudgeandwillforgiveall,thegoodandtheevil,thewiseandthemeek……AndwhenHehasdonewithallofthem,thenHewillsummonus。\'Youtoocomeforth,\'Hewillsay,\'Comeforthyedrunkards,comeforth,yeweakones,comeforth,yechildrenofshame!\'Andweshallallcomeforth,withoutshameandshallstandbeforehim。AndHewillsayuntous,\'Yeareswine,madeintheImageoftheBeastandwithhismark;butcomeyealso!\'Andthewiseonesandthoseofunderstandingwillsay,\'OhLord,whydostThoureceivethesemen?\'AndHewillsay,\'ThisiswhyIreceivethem,ohyewise,thisiswhyIreceivethem,ohyeofunderstanding,thatnotoneofthembelievedhimselftobeworthyofthis。\'AndHewillholdoutHishandstousandweshallfalldownbeforehim……andweshallweep……andweshallunderstandallthings!Thenweshallunderstandall!……andallwillunderstand,KaterinaIvanovnaeven……shewillunderstand……Lord,Thykingdomcome！”Andhesankdownonthebenchexhausted,andhelpless,lookingatnoone,apparentlyobliviousofhissurroundingsandplungedindeepthought。Hiswordshadcreatedacertainimpression;therewasamomentofsilence;butsoonlaughterandoathswereheardagain。
“That\'shisnotion！”
“Talkedhimselfsilly！”
“Afineclerkheis！”
Andsoon,andsoon。
“Letusgo,sir,“saidMarmeladovallatonce,raisinghisheadandaddressingRaskolnikov-“comealongwithme……Kozel\'shouse,lookingintotheyard。I\'mgoingtoKaterinaIvanovna-timeIdid。“
Raskolnikovhadforsometimebeenwantingtogoandhehadmeanttohelphim。Marmeladovwasmuchunsteadieronhislegsthaninhisspeechandleanedheavilyontheyoungman。Theyhadtwoorthreehundredpacestogo。Thedrunkenmanwasmoreandmoreovercomebydismayandconfusionastheydrewnearerthehouse。
“It\'snotKaterinaIvanovnaIamafraidofnow,“hemutteredinagitation-“andthatshewillbeginpullingmyhair。Whatdoesmyhairmatter!Bothermyhair!That\'swhatIsay!Indeeditwillbebetterifshedoesbeginpullingit,that\'snotwhatIamafraidof……it\'shereyesIamafraidof……yes,hereyes……theredonhercheeks,too,frightensme……andherbreathingtoo……Haveyounoticedhowpeopleinthatdiseasebreathe……whentheyareexcited?Iamfrightenedofthechildren\'scrying,too……ForifSoniahasnottakenthemfood……Idon\'tknowwhat\'shappened!Idon\'tknow!ButblowsIamnotafraidof……Know,sir,thatsuchblowsarenotapaintome,butevenanenjoyment。InfactIcan\'tgetonwithoutit……
It\'sbetterso。Letherstrikeme,itrelievesherheart……it\'sbetterso……Thereisthehouse。ThehouseofKozel,thecabinetmaker……aGerman,well-to-do。Leadtheway！”
Theywentinfromtheyardanduptothefourthstorey。Thestaircasegotdarkeranddarkerastheywentup。Itwasnearlyeleveno\'clockandalthoughinsummerinPetersburgthereisnorealnight,yetitwasquitedarkatthetopofthestairs。
Agrimylittledoorattheverytopofthestairsstoodajar。Averypoor-lookingroomabouttenpaceslongwaslightedupbyacandle-end;
thewholeofitwasvisiblefromtheentrance。Itwasallindisorder,litteredupwithragsofallsorts,especiallychildren\'sgarments。
Acrossthefurthestcornerwasstretchedaraggedsheet。Behinditprobablywasthebed。TherewasnothingintheroomexcepttwochairsandasofacoveredwithAmericanleather,fullofholes,beforewhichstoodanolddealkitchen-table,unpaintedanduncovered。Attheedgeofthetablestoodasmolderingtallow-candleinanironcandlestick。Itappearedthatthefamilyhadaroomtothemselves,notpartofaroom,buttheirroomwaspracticallyapassage。Thedoorleadingtotheotherrooms,orrathercupboards,intowhichAmaliaLippevechsel\'sflatwasdividedstoodhalfopen,andtherewasshouting,uproarandlaughterwithin。Peopleseemedtobeplayingcardsanddrinkingteathere。Wordsofthemostunceremoniouskindflewoutfromtimetotime。
RaskolnikovrecognisedKaterinaIvanovnaatonce。Shewasarathertall,slimandgracefulwoman,terriblyemaciated,withmagnificentdarkbrownhairandwithahecticflushinhercheeks。Shewaspacingupanddowninherlittleroom,pressingherhandsagainstherchest;herlipswereparchedandherbreathingcameinnervousbrokengasps。Hereyesglitteredasinfeverandlookedaboutwithaharshimmovablestare。Andthatconsumptiveandexcitedfacewiththelastflickeringlightofthecandle-endplayinguponitmadeasickeningimpression。SheseemedtoRaskolnikovaboutthirtyyearsoldandwascertainlyastrangewifeforMarmeladov……Shehadnotheardthemanddidnotnoticethemcomingin。Sheseemedtobelostinthought,hearingandseeingnothing。Theroomwasclose,butshehadnotopenedthewindow;astenchrosefromthestaircase,butthedoorontothestairswasnotclosed。Fromtheinnerroomscloudsoftobaccosmokefloatedin,shekeptcoughing,butdidnotclosethedoor。Theyoungestchild,agirlofsix,wasasleep,sittingcurleduponthefloorwithherheadonthesofa。Aboyayearolderstoodcryingandshakinginthecorner,probablyhehadjusthadabeating。Besidehimstoodagirlofnineyearsold,tallandthin,wearingathinandraggedchemisewithanancientcashmerepelisseflungoverherbareshoulders,longoutgrownandbarelyreachingherknees。Herarm,asthinasastick,wasroundherbrother\'sneck。
Shewastryingtocomforthim,whisperingsomethingtohim,anddoingallshecouldtokeephimfromwhimperingagain。Atthesametimeherlargedarkeyes,whichlookedlargerstillfromthethinnessofherfrightenedface,werewatchinghermotherwithalarm。Marmeladovdidnotenterthedoor,butdroppedonhiskneesintheverydoorway,pushingRaskolnikovinfrontofhim。Thewomanseeingastrangerstoppedindifferentlyfacinghim,comingtoherselfforamomentandapparentlywonderingwhathehadcomefor。
Butevidentlyshedecidedthathewasgoingintothenextroom,ashehadtopassthroughherstogetthere。Takingnofurthernoticeofhim,shewalkedtowardstheouterdoortocloseitandutteredasuddenscreamonseeingherhusbandonhiskneesinthedoorway。
“Ah！”shecriedoutinafrenzy,“hehascomeback!Thecriminal!
themonster!……Andwhereisthemoney?What\'sinyourpocket,showme!Andyourclothesarealldifferent!Whereareyourclothes?
Whereisthemoney!speak！”
Andshefelltosearchinghim。Marmeladovsubmissivelyandobedientlyheldupbotharmstofacilitatethesearch。Notafarthingwasthere。
“Where\'sthemoney？”shecried-“Mercyonus,canhehavedrunkitall?Thereweretwelvesilverroublesleftinthechest！”andinafurysheseizedhimbythehairanddraggedhimintotheroom。
Marmeladovsecondedhereffortsbymeeklycrawlingalongonhisknees。
“Andthisisaconsolationtome!Thisdoesnothurtme,butisapositivecon-so-la-tion,ho-nou-redsir,“hecalledout,shakentoandfrobyhishairandevenoncestrikingthegroundwithhisforehead。
Thechildasleeponthefloorwokeup,andbegantocry。Theboyinthecornerlosingallcontrolbegantremblingandscreamingandrushedtohissisterinviolentterror,almostinafit。Theeldestgirlwasshakinglikealeaf。
“He\'sdrunkit!he\'sdrunkitall,“thepoorwomanscreamedindespair-“andhisclothesaregone!Andtheyarehungry,hungry！”-andwringingherhandsshepointedtothechildren。“Oh,accursedlife!
Andyou,areyounotashamed？”-shepouncedallatonceuponRaskolnikov-“fromthetavern!Havebeendrinkingwithhim?Youhavebeendrinkingwithhim,too!Goaway！”
Theyoungmanwashasteningawaywithoututteringaword。Theinnerdoorwasthrownwideopenandinquisitivefaceswerepeeringinatit。Coarselaughingfaceswithpipesandcigarettesandheadswearingcapsthrustthemselvesinatthedoorway。Furtherincouldbeseenfiguresindressinggownsflungopen,incostumesofunseemlyscantiness,someofthemwithcardsintheirhands。Theywereparticularlydiverted,whenMarmeladov,draggedaboutbyhishair,shoutedthatitwasaconsolationtohim。Theyevenbegantocomeintotheroom;atlastasinistershrilloutcrywasheard：thiscamefromAmaliaLippevechselherselfpushingherwayamongstthemandtryingtorestoreorderafterherownfashionandforthehundredthtimetofrightenthepoorwomanbyorderingherwithcoarseabusetoclearoutoftheroomnextday。Ashewentout,Raskolnikovhadtimetoputhishandintohispocket,tosnatchupthecoppershehadreceivedinexchangeforhisroubleinthetavernandtolaythemunnoticedonthewindow。Afterwardsonthestairs,hechangedhismindandwouldhavegoneback。
“WhatastupidthingI\'vedone,“hethoughttohimself,“theyhaveSoniaandIwantitmyself。“Butreflectingthatitwouldbeimpossibletotakeitbacknowandthatinanycasehewouldnothavetakenit,hedismisseditwithawaveofhishandandwentbacktohislodging。“Soniawantspomatumtoo,“hesaidashewalkedalongthestreet,andhelaughedmalignantly-“suchsmartnesscostsmoney……Hm!AndmaybeSoniaherselfwillbebankruptto-day,forthereisalwaysarisk,huntingbiggame……diggingforgold……thentheywouldallbewithoutacrustto-morrowexceptformymoney。
HurrahforSonia!Whataminethey\'vedugthere!Andthey\'remakingthemostofit!Yes,theyaremakingthemostofit!They\'veweptoveritandgrownusedtoit。Mangrowsusedtoeverything,thescoundrel！”
Hesankintothought。
“AndwhatifIamwrong,“hecriedsuddenlyafteramoment\'sthought。“Whatifmanisnotreallyascoundrel,maningeneral,I
mean,thewholeraceofmankind-thenalltherestisprejudice,simplyartificialterrorsandtherearenobarriersandit\'sallasitshouldbe。“
ChapterThreeHEWAKEDuplatenextdayafterabrokensleep。Buthissleephadnotrefreshedhim;hewakedupbilious,irritable,ill-tempered,andlookedwithhatredathisroom。Itwasatinycupboardofaroomaboutsixpacesinlength。Ithadapoverty-strickenappearancewithitsdustyyellowpaperpeelingoffthewalls,anditwassolow-pitchedthatamanofmorethanaverageheightwasillateaseinitandfelteverymomentthathewouldknockhisheadagainsttheceiling。
Thefurniturewasinkeepingwiththeroom：therewerethreeoldchairs,ratherrickety;apaintedtableinthecorneronwhichlayafewmanuscriptsandbooks;thedustthatlaythickuponthemshowedthattheyhadbeenlonguntouched。Abigclumsysofaoccupiedalmostthewholeofonewallandhalfthefloorspaceoftheroom;itwasoncecoveredwithchintz,butwasnowinragsandservedRaskolnikovasabed。Oftenhewenttosleeponit,ashewas,withoutundressing,withoutsheets,wrappedinhisoldstudent\'sovercoat,withhisheadononelittlepillow,underwhichheheapedupallthelinenhehad,cleananddirty,bywayofabolster。Alittletablestoodinfrontofthesofa。
Itwouldhavebeendifficulttosinktoalowerebbofdisorder,buttoRaskolnikovinhispresentstateofmindthiswaspositivelyagreeable。Hehadgotcompletelyawayfromeveryone,likeatortoiseinitsshell,andeventhesightoftheservantgirlwhohadtowaituponhimandlookedsometimesintohisroommadehimwrithewithnervousirritation。Hewasintheconditionthatovertakessomemonomaniacsentirelyconcentratedupononething。Hislandladyhadforthelastfortnightgivenupsendinghiminmeals,andhehadnotyetthoughtofexpostulatingwithher,thoughhewentwithouthisdinner。Nastasya,thecookandonlyservant,wasratherpleasedatthelodger\'smoodandhadentirelygivenupsweepinganddoinghisroom,onlyonceaweekorsoshewouldstrayintohisroomwithabroom。Shewakedhimupthatday。
“Getup,whyareyouasleep！”shecalledtohim。“It\'spastnine,Ihavebroughtyousometea;willyouhaveacup?Ishouldthinkyou\'refairlystarving？”
Raskolnikovopenedhiseyes,startedandrecognizedNastasya。
“Fromthelandlady,eh？”heasked,slowlyandwithasicklyfacesittinguponthesofa。
“Fromthelandlady,indeed！”
Shesetbeforehimherowncrackedteapotfullofweakandstaleteaandlaidtwoyellowlumpsofsugarbythesideofit。
“Here,Nastasya,takeitplease,“hesaid,fumblinginhispocketforhehadsleptinhisclothesandtakingoutahandfulofcoppers-
“runandbuymealoaf。Andgetmealittlesausage,thecheapest,atthepork-butcher\'s。“
“TheloafI\'llfetchyouthisveryminute,butwouldn\'tyouratherhavesomecabbagesoupinsteadofsausage?It\'scapitalsoup,yesterday\'s。Isaveditforyouyesterday,butyoucameinlate。
It\'sfinesoup。“
Whenthesouphadbeenbrought,andhehadbegunuponit,Nastasyasatdownbesidehimonthesofaandbeganchatting。Shewasacountrypeasant-womanandaverytalkativeone。
“PraskovyaPavlovnameanstocomplaintothepoliceaboutyou,“
shesaid。
Hescowled。
“Tothepolice?Whatdoesshewant？”
“Youdon\'tpayhermoneyandyouwon\'tturnoutoftheroom。
That\'swhatshewants,tobesure。“
“Thedevil,that\'sthelaststraw,“hemuttered,grindinghisteeth,“no,thatwouldnotsuitme……justnow。Sheisafool,“headdedaloud。“I\'llgoandtalktoherto-day。“
“Foolsheisandnomistake,justasIam。Butwhy,ifyouaresoclever,doyoulieherelikeasackandhavenothingtoshowforit?
Onetimeyouusedtogoout,yousay,toteachchildren。Butwhyisityoudonothingnow？”
“Iamdoing……“Raskolnikovbegansullenlyandreluctantly。
“Whatareyoudoing？”
“Work……“
“Whatsortofwork？”
“Iamthinking,“heansweredseriouslyafterapause。
Nastasyawasovercomewithafitoflaughter。Shewasgiventolaughterandwhenanythingamusedher,shelaughedinaudibly,quiveringandshakingallovertillshefeltill。
“Andhaveyoumademuchmoneybyyourthinking？”shemanagedtoarticulateatlast。
“Onecan\'tgoouttogivelessonswithoutboots。AndI\'msickofit。“
“Don\'tquarrelwithyourbreadandbutter。“
“Theypaysolittleforlessons。What\'stheuseofafewcoppers？”
heanswered,reluctantly,asthoughreplyingtohisownthought。
“Andyouwanttogetafortuneallatonce？”
Helookedatherstrangely。
“Yes,Iwantafortune,“heansweredfirmly,afterabriefpause。
“Don\'tbeinsuchahurry,youquitefrightenme!ShallIgetyoutheloafornot？”
“Asyouplease。“
“Ah,Iforgot!Alettercameforyouyesterdaywhenyouwereout。“
“Aletter?forme!fromwhom？”
“Ican\'tsay。Igavethreecopecksofmyowntothepostmanforit。Willyoupaymeback？”
“Thenbringittome,forGod\'ssake,bringit,“criedRaskolnikovgreatlyexcited-“goodGod！”
Aminutelatertheletterwasbroughthim。Thatwasit：fromhismother,fromtheprovinceofR___。Heturnedpalewhenhetookit。
Itwasalongwhilesincehehadreceivedaletter,butanotherfeelingalsosuddenlystabbedhisheart。
“Nastasya,leavemealone,forgoodness\'sake;hereareyourthreecopecks,butforgoodness\'sake,makehasteandgo！”
Theletterwasquiveringinhishand;hedidnotwanttoopenitinherpresence;hewantedtobeleftalonewiththisletter。WhenNastasyahadgoneout,helifteditquicklytohislipsandkissedit;
thenhegazedintentlyattheaddress,thesmall,slopinghandwriting,sodearandfamiliar,ofthemotherwhohadoncetaughthimtoreadandwrite。Hedelayed;heseemedalmostafraidofsomething。Atlastheopenedit;itwasathickheavyletter,weighingovertwoounces,twolargesheetsofnotepaperwerecoveredwithverysmallhandwriting。
“MydearRodya,“wrotehismother-“it\'stwomonthssinceIlasthadatalkwithyoubyletterwhichhasdistressedmeandevenkeptmeawakeatnight,thinking。ButIamsureyouwillnotblamemeformyinevitablesilence。YouknowhowIloveyou;youareallwehavetolookto,DouniaandI,youareourall,ouronehope,ouronestay。
WhatagriefitwastomewhenIheardthatyouhadgivenuptheuniversitysomemonthsago,forwantofmeanstokeepyourselfandthatyouhadlostyourlessonsandyourotherwork!HowcouldIhelpyououtofmyhundredandtwentyroublesayearpension?ThefifteenroublesIsentyoufourmonthsagoIborrowed,asyouknow,onsecurityofmypension,fromVassilyIvanovitchVahrushinamerchantofthistown。Heisakind-heartedmanandwasafriendofyourfather\'stoo。Buthavinggivenhimtherighttoreceivethepension,I
hadtowaittillthedebtwaspaidoffandthatisonlyjustdone,sothatI\'vebeenunabletosendyouanythingallthistime。Butnow,thankGod,IbelieveIshallbeabletosendyousomethingmoreandinfactwemaycongratulateourselvesonourgoodfortunenow,ofwhichIhastentoinformyou。Inthefirstplace,wouldyouhaveguessed,dearRodya,thatyoursisterhasbeenlivingwithmeforthelastsixweeksandweshallnotbeseparatedinthefuture。