SOLUTION
Isteppedhastilyafterhim；itwastheverymanwhosesuccessinaskingcharityofthewomanbeforethedoorofthehotelhadsopuzzledme，andIfoundatoncehissecret，oratleastthebasisofit:itwasflattery。
Deliciousessence！howrefreshingartthoutoNature！Howstronglyareallitspowersandallitsweaknessesonthyside！Howsweetlydostthoumixwiththeblood，andhelpitthroughthemostdifficultandtortuouspassagestotheheart！
Thepoorman，ashewasnotstraitenedfortime，hadgivenithereinalargerdose。Itiscertainhehadawayofbringingitintolessformforthemanysuddencauseshehadtodowithinthestreets；buthowhecontrivedtocorrect，sweeten，concenter，andqualifyit——Ivexnotmyspiritwiththeinquiry。Itisenough，thebeggargainedtwotwelve-souspieces，andtheycanbesttelltherestwhohavegainedmuchgreatermattersbyit。
APPLICATION
Wegetforwardintheworldnotsomuchbydoingservicesasreceivingthem。Youtakeawitheringtwigandputitintheground，andthenyouwateritbecauseyouhaveplantedit。
MonsieurleComtedeB——，merelybecausehehaddonemeonekindnessintheaffairofmypassport，wouldgoonanddomeanotherthefewdayshewasatParis，inmakingmeknowntoafewpeopleofrank；andtheyweretopresentmetoothers，andsoon。
IhadgotmasterofmySECRETjustintimetoturnthesehonorstosomelittleaccount；otherwise，asiscommonlythecase，Ishouldhavedinedorsuppedasingletimeortworound，andthenbyTRANSLATINGFrenchlooksandattitudesintoplainEnglish，IshouldpresentlyhaveseenthatIhadgotholdofthecouvert*ofsomemoreentertainingguest；andincourseoftimeshouldhaveresignedallmyplacesoneafteranother，merelyupontheprinciplethatI
couldnotkeepthem。Asitwas，thingsdidnotgomuchamiss。
*Plate，napkin，knife，fork，andspoon。
IhadthehonorofbeingintroducedtotheoldMarquisdeB。
IndaysofyorehehadsignalizedhimselfbysomesmallfeatsofchivalryintheCourd’Amour，andhaddressedhimselfouttotheideaoftiltsandtournamentseversince。TheMarquisdeB——
wishedtohaveitthoughttheaffairwassomewhereelsethaninhisbrain。”HecouldliketotakeatriptoEngland，”andaskedmuchoftheEnglishladies。”Staywhereyouare，Ibeseechyou，MonsieurleMarquis，”saidI。”LesMessieursAnglaiscanscarcegetakindlookfromthemasitis。”Themarquisinvitedmetosupper。
M。P——，thefarmer-general，wasjustasinquisitiveaboutourtaxes。Theywereveryconsiderable，heheard。”Ifweknewbuthowtocollectthem，”saidI，makinghimalowbow。
IcouldneverhavebeeninvitedtoM。P——’sconcertsuponanyotherterms。
IhadbeenmisrepresentedtoMme。deQ——asanesprit——Mme。deQ——
wasanespritherself；sheburnedwithimpatiencetoseemeandhearmetalk。IhadnottakenmyseatbeforeIsawshedidnotcareasouwhetherIhadanywitorno。Iwasletintobeconvincedshehad。IcallHeaventowitnessIneveronceopenedthedoorofmylips。
Mme。deV——vowedtoeverycreatureshemet，”Shehadneverhadamoreimprovingconversationwithamaninherlife。”
TherearethreeepochsintheempireofaFrenchwoman——sheiscoquette，thendeist，thendevote。Theempireduringtheseisneverlost——sheonlychangeshersubjects。Whenthirty-fiveyearsandmorehaveunpeopledherdominionoftheslavesoflovesherepeoplesitwithslavesofinfidelity，and，thenwiththeslavesofthechurch。
Mme。deV——wasvibratingbetweenthefirstoftheseepochs；thecoloroftherosewasfadingfastaway；sheoughttohavebeenadeistfiveyearsbeforethetimeIhadthehonortopaymyfirstvisit。
Sheplacedmeuponthesamesofawithherforthesakeofdisputingthepointofreligionmoreclosely。Inshort，Mme。deV——toldmeshebelievednothing。
ItoldMme。deV——itmightbeherprinciple，butIwassureitcouldnotbeherinterest，toleveltheoutworks，withoutwhichI
couldnotconceivehowsuchacitadelasherscouldbedefended；
thattherewasnotamoredangerousthingintheworldthanforabeautytobeadeist；thatitwasadebtIowedmycreednottoconcealitfromher；thatIhadnotbeenfiveminutesuponthesofabesideherbeforeIhadbeguntoformdesigns；andwhatisitbutthesentimentsofreligion，andthepersuasiontheyhadexistedinherbreast，whichcouldhavecheckedthemastheyroseup？”Wearenotadamant，”saidI，takingholdofherhand，”andthereisneedofallrestraintstillageinherowntimestealsinandlaysthemonus；but，mydearlady，”saidI，kissingherhand，”itistoo——toosoon。”
IdeclareIhadthecreditalloverParisofunpervertingMme。deV。SheaffirmedtoM。D——andtheAbbeM——thatinonehalfhourIhadsaidmoreforrevealedreligionthanalltheirencyclopaediahadsaidagainstit。IwaslisteddirectlyintoMme。
deV——o’scoterie，andsheputofftheepochofdeismfortwoyears。
Irememberitwasinthiscoterie，inthemiddleofadiscourse，inwhichIwasshowingthenecessityofafirstcause，thattheyoungCountdeFaineanttookmebythehandtothefarthestcorneroftheroom，totellmethatmysolitairewaspinnedtoostraitaboutmyneck。”Itshouldbeplusbadinant，”saidthecount，lookingdownuponhisown；”butaword，M。Yorick，tothewise——””Andfromthewise，M。leComte，”repliedI，makinghimabow，”isenough。”
TheCountdeFaineantembracedmewithmoreardorthaneverIwasembracedbymortalman。
ForthreeweekstogetherIwasofeveryman’sopinionImet。”Pardi！ceM。Yorickaautantd’espritquenousautres。””Ilraisonnebien，”saidanother。”C’estunbonenfant，”saidathird。
AndatthispriceIcouldhaveeatenanddrunkandbeenmerryallthedaysofmylifeatParis；butitwasadishonestreckoning。I
grewashamedofit；itwasthegainofaslave；everysentimentofhonorrevoltedagainstit；thehigherIgot，themorewasIforceduponmybeggarlysystem；thebetterthecoterie，themorechildrenofArt，IlanguishedforthoseofNature。Andonenight，afteramostvileprostitutionofmyselftohalfadozendifferentpeople，Igrewsick，wenttobed，andorderedhorsesinthemorningtosetoutforItaly。
CONTRAST
AshoecomingloosefromtheforefootofthethillhorseatthebeginningoftheascentofMountTaurira，thepostiliondismounted，twistedtheshoeoff，andputitinhispocket；astheascentwasoffiveorsixmiles，andthathorseourmaindependenceImadeapointofhavingtheshoefastenedonagainaswellaswecould，butthepostilionhadthrownawaythenails，andthehammerinthechaiseboxbeingofnogreatusewithoutthem，Isubmittedtogoon。
Hehadnotmountedhalfamilehigherwhen，comingtoaflintypieceofroad，thepoordevillostasecondshoe，andfromoffhisotherforefoot。Ithengotoutofthechaiseingoodearnest，andseeingahouseaboutaquarterofamiletothelefthand，withagreatdealtodoIprevaileduponthepostiliontoturnuptoit。
Thelookofthehouse，andofeverythingaboutit，aswedrewnearer，soonreconciledmetothedisaster。Itwasalittlefarmhousesurroundedwithabouttwentyacresofvineyard，aboutasmuchcorn，andclosetothehouseononesidewasapotagerieofanacreandahalf，fullofeverythingwhichcouldmakeplentyinaFrenchpeasant’shouse，andontheothersidewasalittlewoodwhichfurnishedwherewithaltodressit。ItwasabouteightintheeveningwhenIgottothehouse，soIleftthepostiliontomanagehispointashecould，andformineIwalkeddirectlyintothehouse。
Thefamilyconsistedofanoldgray-headedmanandhiswife，withfiveorsixsonsandsons-in-laws，andtheirseveralwives，andajoyousgenealogyoutofthem。
Theywereallsittingdowntogethertotheirlentilsoup。Alargewheatenloafwasinthemiddleofthetable，andaflagonofwineateachendofitpromisedjoythroughthestagesoftherepast——
’twasafeastoflove。
Theoldmanroseuptomeetme，andwitharespectfulcordialitywouldhavemesitdownatthetable。MyheartwassatdownthemomentIenteredtheroom，soIsatdownatoncelikeasonofthefamily，andtoinvestmyselfinthecharacterasspeedilyasI
could，Iinstantlyborrowedtheoldman’sknife，andtakinguptheloafcutmyselfaheartyluncheon；and，asIdidit，Isawatestimonyineveryeye，notonlyofanhonestwelcome，butofawelcomemixedwiththanksthatIhadnotseemedtodoubtit。
Wasitthis，ortellme，Nature，whatelseitwasthatmadethismorselsosweet，andtowhatmagicIoweitthatthedraughtItookoftheirflagonwassodeliciouswithitthattheyremainuponmypalatetothishour？
Ifthesupperwastomytaste，thegracewhichfolloweditwasmuchmoreso。
Whensupperwasover，theoldmangaveaknockuponthetablewiththehaftofhisknifetobidthemprepareforthedance。Themomentthesignalwasgiven，thewomenandgirlsranalltogetherintoabackapartmenttotieuptheirhair，andtheyoungmentothedoortowashtheirfacesandchangetheirsabots，andinthreeminuteseverysoulwasreadyuponalittleesplanadebeforethehousetobegin。Theoldmanandhiswifecameoutlast，and，placingmebetwixtthem，satdownuponasofaofturfbythedoor。
Theoldmanhadsomefiftyyearsagobeennomeanperformeruponthevielle，*andattheagehewasthenof，touchedwellenoughforthepurpose。Hiswifesungnowandthenalittletothetune，thenintermitted，andjoinedheroldmanagain，astheirchildrenandgrandchildrendancedbeforethem。
*Asmallviolin，suchaswasusedbythewanderingjongleursoftheMiddleAges——EDITOR。
Itwasnottillthemiddleoftheseconddancewhen，fromsomepausesinthemovementwhereintheyallseemedtolookup，I
fanciedIcoulddistinguishanelevationofspiritdifferentfromthatwhichisthecauseortheeffectofsimplejollity。Inaword，IthoughtIbeheldRELIGIONmixinginthedance；but，asI
hadneverseenhersoengaged，Ishouldhavelookeduponitnowasoneoftheillusionsofanimagination，whichiseternallymisleadingme，hadnottheoldman，assoonasthedanceended，saidthatthiswastheirconstantway，andthatallhislifelonghehadmadeitarule，aftersupperwasover，tocallouthisfamilytodanceandrejoice，believing，hesaid，thatacheerfulandcontentedmindwasthebestsortofthankstoheaventhatanilliteratepeasantcouldpay——”Oralearnedprelateeither，”saidI。
WhenyouhavegainedthetopofMountTaurira，yourunpresentlydowntoLyons。Adieuthentoallrapidmovements！Itisajourneyofcaution，anditfaresbetterwithsentimentsnottobeinahurrywiththem，soIcontractedwithavolturintotakehistimewithacoupleofmulesandconveymeinmyownchaisesafetoTurinthroughSavoy。
Poor，patient，quiet，honestpeople，fearnot！Yourpoverty，thetreasuryofyoursimplevirtues，willnotbeenviedyoubytheworld，norwillyourvaluesbeinvadedbyit。Nature，inthemidstofthydisorders，thouartstillfriendlytothescantinessthouhastcreated；withallthygreatworksabouttheelittlehastthoulefttogive，eithertothescytheortothesickle，buttothatlittlethougrantestsafetyandprotection，andsweetarethedwellingswhichstandsosheltered！
WilliamMakepeaceThackerayOnBeingFoundOutAtthecloseletussayofQueenAnne’sreign，whenIwasaboyataprivateandpreparatoryschoolforyounggentlemen，Irememberthewiseacreofamasterorderingusall，onenight，tomarchintoalittlegardenatthebackofthehouse，andthencetoproceedonebyoneintoatoolorhenhouseIwasbutatenderlittlethingjustputintoshortclothes，andcan’texactlysaywhetherthehousewasfortoolsorhens，andinthathousetoputourhandsintoasackwhichstoodonabench，acandleburningbesideit。I
putmyhandintothesack。Myhandcameoutquiteblack。Iwentandjoinedtheotherboysintheschoolroom；andalltheirhandswereblacktoo。
Byreasonofmytenderageandtherearesomecriticswho，Ihope，willbesatisfiedbymyacknowledgingthatIamahundredandfifty-sixnextbirthdayIcouldnotunderstandwhatwasthemeaningofthisnightexcursion——thiscandle，thistoolhouse，thisbagofsoot。Ithinkwelittleboysweretakenoutofoursleeptobebroughttotheordeal。Wecame，then，andshowedourlittlehandstothemaster；washedthemornot——mostprobably，Ishouldsay，not——andsowentbewilderedbacktobed。
Somethinghadbeenstolenintheschoolthatday；andMr。Wiseacrehavingreadinabookofaningeniousmethodoffindingoutathiefbymakinghimputhishandintoasackwhich，ifguilty，theroguewouldshirkfromdoing，allweboysweresubjectedtothetrial。
Goodnessknowswhatthelostobjectwas，orwhostoleit。Weallhadblackhandstoshowthemaster。Andthethief，whoeverhewas，wasnotFoundOutthattime。
Iwonderiftherascalisalive——anelderlyscoundrelhemustbebythistime；andahoaryoldhypocrite，towhomanoldschoolfellowpresentshiskindestregards——parentheticallyremarkingwhatadreadfulplacethatprivateschoolwas；cold，chilblains，baddinners，notenoughvictuals，andcaningawful！——Areyoualivestill，Isay，younamelessvillain，whoescapeddiscoveryonthatdayofcrime？Ihopeyouhaveescapedoftensince，oldsinner。
Ah，whataluckythingitis，foryouandme，myman，thatweareNOTfoundoutinallourpeccadilloes；andthatourbackscanslipawayfromthemasterandthecane！
Justconsiderwhatlifewouldbe，ifeveryroguewasfoundout，andfloggedcorampopulo！Whatabutchery，whatanindecency，whatanendlessswishingoftherod！Don’tcryoutaboutmymisanthropy。
MygoodfriendMealymouth，Iwilltroubleyoutotellme，doyougotochurch？Whenthere，doyousay，ordoyounot，thatyouareamiserablesinner，andsayingsodoyoubelieveordisbelieveit？
IfyouareaM。S。，don’tyoudeservecorrection，andaren’tyougratefulifyouaretobeletoff？Isayagainwhatablessedthingitisthatwearenotallfoundout！
Justpicturetoyourselfeverybodywhodoeswrongbeingfoundout，andpunishedaccordingly。Fancyalltheboysinalltheschoolbeingwhipped；andthentheassistants，andthentheheadmasterDr。Badfordletuscallhim。Fancytheprovostmarshalbeingtiedup，havingpreviouslysuperintendedthecorrectionofthewholearmy。Aftertheyounggentlemenhavehadtheirturnforthefaultyexercises，fancyDr。LincolnsinnbeingtakenupforcertainfaultsinHISEssayandReview。Aftertheclergymanhascriedhispeccavi，supposewehoistupabishop，andgivehimacoupleofdozen！IseemyLordBishopofDouble-Gloucestersittinginaveryuneasypostureonhisrightreverendbench。Afterwehavecastoffthebishop，whatarewetosaytotheMinisterwhoappointedhim？MyLordCinqwarden，itispainfultohavetousepersonalcorrectiontoaboyofyourage；butreally……Sistetandemcarnifex！Thebutcheryistoohorrible。Thehanddropspowerless，appalledatthequantityofbirchwhichitmustcutandbrandish。Iamgladwearenotallfoundout，Isayagain；andprotest，mydearbrethren，againstourhavingourdeserts。
Tofancyallmenfoundoutandpunishedisbadenough；butimagineallthewomenfoundoutinthedistinguishedsocialcircleinwhichyouandIhavethehonortomove。Isitnotamercythatamanyofthesefaircriminalsremainunpunishedandundiscovered！ThereisMrs。Longbow，whoisforeverpracticing，andwhoshootspoisonedarrows，too；whenyoumeetheryoudon’tcallherliar，andchargeherwiththewickednessshehasdoneandisdoing。ThereisMrs。
Painter，whopassesforamostrespectablewoman，andamodelinsociety。Thereisnouseinsayingwhatyoureallyknowregardingherandhergoingson。ThereisDianaHunter——whatalittlehaughtyprudeitis；andyetWEknowstoriesaboutherwhicharenotaltogetheredifying。Isayitisbestforthesakeofthegood，thatthebadshouldnotallbefoundout。Youdon’twantyourchildrentoknowthehistoryofthatladyinthenextbox，whoissohandsome，andwhomtheyadmireso。Ahme，whatwouldlifebeifwewereallfoundoutandpunishedforallourfaults？JackKetchwouldbeinpermanence；andthenwhowouldhangJackKetch？
Theytalkofmurderersbeingprettycertainlyfoundout。Psha！I
haveheardanauthorityawfullycompetentvowanddeclarethatscoresandhundredsofmurdersarecommitted，andnobodyisthewiser。Thatterriblemanmentionedoneortwowaysofcommittingmurder，whichhemaintainedwerequitecommon，andwerescarcelyeverfoundout。Aman，forinstance，comeshometohiswife，and……butIpause——IknowthatthisMagazinehasaverylargecirculation。*Hundredsandhundredsofthousands——whynotsayamillionofpeopleatonce？——well，sayamillion，readit。Andamongthesecountlessreaders，Imightbeteachingsomemonsterhowtomakeawaywithhiswifewithoutbeingfoundout，somefiendofawomanhowtodestroyherdearhusband。IwillNOTthentellthiseasyandsimplewayofmurder，ascommunicatedtomebyamostrespectablepartyintheconfidenceofprivateintercourse。
Supposesomegentlereaderweretotrythismostsimpleandeasyreceipt——itseemstomealmostinfallible——andcometogriefinconsequence，andbefoundoutandhanged？ShouldIeverpardonmyselfforhavingbeenthemeansofdoinginjurytoasingleoneofouresteemedsubscribers？TheprescriptionwhereofIspeak——thatistosay，whereofIDON’Tspeak——shallbeburiedinthisbosom。
No，Iamahumaneman。IamnotoneofyourBluebeardstogoandsaytomywife，”Mydear！IamgoingawayforafewdaystoBrighton。Hereareallthekeysofthehouse。Youmayopeneverydoorandcloset，excepttheoneattheendoftheoakroomoppositethefireplace，withthelittlebronzeShakespeareonthemantelpieceorwhatnot。”Idon’tsaythistoawoman——unless，tobesure，Iwanttogetridofher——because，aftersuchacaution，Iknowshe’llpeepintothecloset。Isaynothingabouttheclosetatall。Ikeepthekeyinmypocket，andabeingwhomI
love，butwho，asIknow，hasmanyweaknesses，outofharm’sway。
Youtossupyourhead，dearangel，drubonthegroundwithyourlovelylittlefeet，onthetablewithyoursweetrosyfingers，andcry，”Oh，sneerer！Youdon’tknowthedepthofwoman’sfeeling，theloftyscornofalldeceit，theentireabsenceofmeancuriosityinthesex，ornever，neverwouldyoulibelusso！”Ah，Delia！
dear，dearDelia！ItisbecauseIfancyIDOknowsomethingaboutyounotall，mind——no，no；nomanknowsthat——Ah，mybride，myringdove，myrose，mypoppet——choose，infact，whatevernameyoulike——bulbulofmygrove，fountainofmydesert，sunshineofmydarklinglife，andjoyofmydungeonedexistence，itisbecauseI
DOknowalittleaboutyouthatIconcludetosaynothingofthatprivatecloset，andkeepmykeyinmypocket。Youtakeawaythatclosetkeythen，andthehousekey。YoulockDeliain。Youkeepheroutofharm’swayandgadding，andsosheneverCANbefoundout。
*TheCornhill——editor。
Andyetbylittlestrangeaccidentsandcoincidentshowwearebeingfoundouteveryday。YourememberthatoldstoryoftheAbbeKakatoes，whotoldthecompanyatsupperonenighthowthefirstconfessionheeverreceivedwas——fromamurderer，letussay。
PresentlyenterstosuppertheMarquisdeCroquemitaine。”Palsambleu，abbe！”saysthebrilliantmarquis，takingapinchofsnuff，”areyouhere？Gentlemenandladies！Iwastheabbe’sfirstpenitent，andImadehimaconfession，whichIpromiseyouastonishedhim。”
Tobesurehowqueerlythingsarefoundout！Hereisaninstance。
OnlytheotherdayIwaswritingintheseRoundaboutPapersaboutacertainman，whomIfacetiouslycalledBaggs，andwhohadabusedmetomyfriends，whoofcoursetoldme。Shortlyafterthatpaperwaspublishedanotherfriend——Sacksletuscallhim——scowlsfiercelyatmeasIamsittinginperfectgoodhumorattheclub，andpassesonwithoutspeaking。Acut。Aquarrel。SacksthinksitisabouthimthatIwaswriting:whereas，uponmyhonorandconscience，Ineverhadhimonceinmymind，andwaspointingmymoralfromquiteanotherman。Butdon’tyousee，bythiswrathoftheguilty-
consciencedSacks，thathehadbeenabusingmetoo？Hehasownedhimselfguilty，neverhavingbeenaccused。Hehaswincedwhennobodythoughtofhittinghim。Ididbutputthecapout，andmadlybuttingandchafing，beholdmyfriendrushesouttoputhisheadintoit！Nevermind，Sacks，youarefoundout；butIbearyounomalice，myman。
Andyettobefoundout，Iknowfrommyownexperience，mustbepainfulandodious，andcruellymortifyingtotheinwardvanity。
SupposeIamapoltroon，letussay。Withfiercemustache，loudtalk，plentifuloaths，andanimmensestick，Ikeepupneverthelessacharacterforcourage。Iswearfearfullyatcabmenandwomen；
brandishmybludgeon，andperhapsknockdownalittlemanortwowithit:bragoftheimageswhichIbreakattheshootinggallery，andpassamongmyfriendsforawhiskeryfire-eater，afraidofneithermannordragon。Ahme！SupposesomebrisklittlechapstepsupandgivesmeacaninginSt。James’sStreet，withalltheheadsofmyfriendslookingoutofalltheclubwindows。Myreputationisgone。Ifrightennomanmore。Mynoseispulledbywhipper-snappers，whojumpuponachairtoreachit。Iamfoundout。Andinthedaysofmytriumphs，whenpeoplewereyetafraidofme，andweretakeninbymyswagger，IalwaysknewthatIwasalilyliver，andexpectedthatIshouldbefoundoutsomeday。
Thatcertaintyofbeingfoundoutmusthauntanddepressmanyaboldbraggadociospirit。Letussayitisaclergyman，whocanpumpcopiousfloodsoftearsoutofhisowneyesandthoseofhisaudience。Hethinkstohimself，”Iambutapoorswindling，chatteringrogue。Mybillsareunpaid。IhavejiltedseveralwomenwhomIhavepromisedtomarry。Idon’tknowwhetherI
believewhatIpreach，andIknowIhavestolentheverysermonoverwhichIhavebeensniveling。Havetheyfoundmeout？”sayshe，ashisheaddropsdownonthecushion。
Thenyourwriter，poet，historian，novelist，orwhatnot？TheBeaconsaysthat”Jones’sworkisoneofthefirstorder。”TheLampdeclaresthatJones’stragedysurpasseseveryworksincethedaysofHimofAvon。”TheCometassertsthat”J’s’LifeofGoodyTwoshoes’isa[Greektextomitted]，anobleandenduringmonumenttothefameofthatadmirableEnglishwoman，”andsoforth。ButthenJonesknowsthathehaslentthecriticoftheBeaconfivepounds；thathispublisherhasahalfshareintheLamp；andthattheCornetcomesrepeatedlytodinewithhim。Itisallverywell。
Jonesisimmortaluntilheisfoundout；andthendowncomestheextinguisher，andtheimmortalisdeadandburied。Theideadiesirae！ofdiscoverymusthauntmanyaman，andmakehimuneasy，asthetrumpetsarepuffinginhistriumph。Brown，whohasahigherplacethanhedeserves，cowersbeforeSmith，whohasfoundhimout。
Whatisthechorusofcriticsshouting”Bravo”？——apublicclappinghandsandflinginggarlands？BrownknowsthatSmithhasfoundhimout。Puff，trumpets！Wave，banners！Huzza，boys，fortheimmortalBrown！Thisisallverywell，”B。thinksbowingthewhile，smiling，layinghishandtohisheart；”buttherestandsSmithatthewindow:HEhasmeasuredme；andsomedaytheotherswillfindmeouttoo。”Itisaverycurioussensationtositbyamanwhohasfoundyouout，andwho，asyouknow，hasfoundyouout；
or，viceversa，tositwithamanwhomYOUhavefoundout。Histalent？Bah！Hisvirtue？Weknowalittlestoryortwoabouthisvirtue，andheknowsweknowit。WearethinkingoverfriendRobinson’santecedents，aswegrin，bowandtalk；andwearebothhumbugstogether。Robinsonagoodfellow，ishe？YouknowhowhebehavedtoHicks？Agood-naturedman，ishe？PraydoyourememberthatlittlestoryofMrs。Robinson’sblackeye？Howmenhavetowork，totalk，tosmile，togotobed，andtryandsleep，withthisdreadofbeingfoundoutontheirconsciences！Bardolph，whohasrobbedachurch，andNym，whohastakenapurse，gototheirusualhaunts，andsmoketheirpipeswiththeircompanions。Mr。DetectiveBullseyeappears，andsays，”Oh，Bardolph！Iwantyouaboutthattherepyxbusiness！”Mr。Bardolphknockstheashesoutofhispipe，putsouthishandstothelittlesteelcuffs，andwalksawayquitemeekly。Heisfoundout。Hemustgo。”Good-by，’DollTearsheet！Good-by，Mrs。Quickly，ma’am！”Theothergentlemenandladiesdelasocietelookonandexchangemuteadieuxwiththedepartingfriends。Andanassuredtimewillcomewhentheothergentlemenandladieswillbefoundouttoo。
Whatawonderfulandbeautifulprovisionofnatureithasbeenthat，forthemostpart，ourwomankindarenotendowedwiththefacultyoffindingusout！THEYdon’tdoubt，andprobe，andweigh，andtakeyourmeasure。Laydownthispaper，mybenevolentfriendandreader，gointoyourdrawing-roomnow，andutterajokeeversoold，andIwagersixpencetheladiestherewillallbegintolaugh。
GotoBrown’shouse，andtellMrs。Brownandtheyoungladieswhatyouthinkofhim，andseewhatawelcomeyouwillget！Inlikemanner，lethimcometoyourhouse，andtellYOURgoodladyhiscandidopinionofyou，andfancyhowshewillreceivehim！Wouldyouhaveyourwifeandchildrenknowyouexactlyforwhatyouare，andesteemyoupreciselyatyourworth？Ifso，myfriend，youwillliveinadrearyhouse，andyouwillhavebutachillyfireside。
Doyousupposethepeoplerounditdon’tseeyourhomelyfaceasunderaglamour，and，asitwere，withahaloofloveroundit？
Youdon’tfancyyouAREasyouseemtothem？Nosuchthing，myman。Putawaythatmonstrousconceit，andbethankfulthatTHEY
havenotfoundyouout。
TheNotchontheAxAStoryalaMode*
*HereThackerayreducestoanabsurditytheliteraryfashionoftheday——thevogueforstartlingstoriesand”TalesofTerror，”
whichwashighinhistime，andwhichinfluencedseveralofthestorieswhichprecedeinthisvolume。ButwhileDickensmadefun，withmentalreservations；whileBulwerLyttontriedtoexplainbyrisingtotheheightsofnaturalphilosophy，andMaturindidnotexplainatall，butlethisextravagantgeniusroambetweenheavenandearth——Thackeray’skeenwitsawmainlyonechanceforexquisiteliterarysatireandparody。Atonepointoranotherinthisskit，thestyleofeachprincipalsensationalnovelistofthedayisdelightfullyimitated——EDITOR。
I
EveryoneremembersintheFourthBookoftheimmortalpoemofyourBlindBardtowhosesightlessorbsnodoubtGloriousShapeswereapparent，andVisionsCelestial，howAdamdiscoursestoEveoftheBrightVisitorswhohoveredroundtheirEden——
’Millionsofspiritualcreatureswalktheearth，Unseen，bothwhenwewakeandwhenwesleep。’”’Howoften，’saysFatherAdam，’fromthesteepofechoinghillorthicket，haveweheardcelestialvoicestothemidnightair，sole，orresponsivetoeachother’snotes，singing！’AftertheActofDisobedience，whentheerringpairfromEdentooktheirsolitaryway，andwentforthtotoilandtroubleoncommonearth——thoughtheGloriousOnesnolongerwerevisible，youcannotsaytheyweregone。ItwasnotthattheBrightOneswereabsent，butthatthedimeyesofrebelmannolongercouldseethem。Inyourchamberhangsapictureofonewhomyouneverknew，butwhomyouhavelongheldintenderestregard，andwhowaspaintedforyoubyafriendofmine，theKnightofPlympton。Shecommuneswithyou。Shesmilesonyou。Whenyourspiritsarelow，herbrighteyesshineonyouandcheeryou。Herinnocentsweetsmileisacaresstoyou。
Sheneverfailstosootheyouwithherspeechlessprattle。Youloveher。Sheisalivewithyou。Asyouextinguishyourcandleandturntosleep，thoughyoureyesseehernot，isshenottherestillsmiling？Asyoulieinthenightawake，andthinkingofyourduties，andthemorrow’sinevitabletoiloppressingthebusy，weary，wakefulbrainaswitharemorse，thecracklingfireflashesupforamomentinthegrate，andsheisthere，yourlittleBeauteousMaiden，smilingwithhersweeteyes！Whenmoonisdown，whenfireisout，whencurtainsaredrawn，whenlidsareclosed，isshenotthere，thelittleBeautifulOne，thoughinvisible，presentandsmilingstill？Friend，theUnseenOnesareroundaboutus。
Doesitnotseemasifthetimeweredrawingnearwhenitshallbegiventomentobeholdthem？”
Theprintofwhichmyfriendspoke，andwhich，indeed，hangsinmyroom，thoughhehasneverbeenthere，isthatcharminglittlewinterpieceofSirJoshua，representingthelittleLadyCarolineMontague，afterwardsDuchessofBuccleuch。Sheisrepresentedasstandinginthemidstofawinterlandscape，wrappedinmuffandcloak；andshelooksoutofherpicturewithasmilesoexquisitethataHerodcouldnotseeherwithoutbeingcharmed。”Ibegyourpardon，Mr。PINTO，”IsaidtothepersonwithwhomI
wasconversing。Iwonder，bytheway，thatIwasnotsurprisedathisknowinghowfondIamofthisprint。”YouspokeoftheKnightofPlympton。SirJoshuadied1792:andyousayhewasyourdearfriend？”
AsIspokeIchancedtolookatMr。Pinto；andthenitsuddenlystruckme:Graciouspowers！PerhapsyouAREahundredyearsold，nowIthinkofit。Youlookmorethanahundred。Yes，youmaybeathousandyearsoldforwhatIknow。Yourteetharefalse。Oneeyeisevidentlyfalse。CanIsaythattheotherisnot？Ifaman’sagemaybecalculatedbytheringsroundhiseyes，thismanmaybeasoldasMethuselah。Hehasnobeard。Hewearsalargecurlyglossybrownwig，andhiseyebrowsarepaintedadeepolive-
green。Itwasoddtohearthisman，thiswalkingmummy，talkingsentiment，inthesequeeroldchambersinShepherd’sInn。
Pintopassedayellowbandannahandkerchiefoverhisawfulwhiteteeth，andkepthisglasseyesteadilyfixedonme。”SirJoshua’sfriend？”saidheyouperceive，eludingmydirectquestion。”IsnoteveryonethatknowshispicturesReynolds’sfriend？SupposeI
tellyouthatIhavebeeninhispaintingroomscoresoftimes，andthathissisterThehasmademetea，andhissisterToffyhasmadecoffeeforme？YouwillonlysayIamanoldombog。”Mr。Pinto，Iremarked，spokealllanguageswithanaccentequallyforeign。”SupposeItellyouthatIknewMr。SamJohnson，anddidnotlikehim？thatIwasatthatveryballatMadameCornelis’，whichyouhavementionedinoneofyourlittle——whatdoyoucallthem？——bah！
mymemorybeginstofailme——inoneofyourlittleWhirligigPapers？SupposeItellyouthatSirJoshuahasbeenhere，inthisveryroom？””Haveyou，then，hadtheseapartmentsfor——more——than——seventyyears？”Iasked。”Theylookasiftheyhadnotbeensweptforthattime——don’tthey？
Hey？IdidnotsaythatIhadthemforseventyyears，butthatSirJoshuahasvisitedmehere。””When？”Iasked，eyingthemansternly，forIbegantothinkhewasanimpostor。
Heansweredmewithaglancestillmorestern:”SirJoshuaReynoldswasherethisverymorning，withAngelicaKaufmannandMr。OliverGoldschmidt。HeisstillverymuchattachedtoAngelica，whostilldoesnotcareforhim。BecauseheisdeadandIwasinthefourthmourningcoachathisfuneralisthatanyreasonwhyheshouldnotcomebacktoearthagain？Mygoodsir，youarelaughingatme。Hehassatmanyatimeonthatverychairwhichyouarenowoccupying。
Thereareseveralspiritsintheroomnow，whomyoucannotsee。
Excuseme。”Hereheturnedroundasifhewasaddressingsomebody，andbeganrapidlyspeakingalanguageunknowntome。”ItisArabic，”hesaid；”abadpatois，Iown。IlearneditinBarbary，whenIwasaprisoneramongtheMoors。Inanno1609，binickaldusghekledtgheghaen。Ha！youdoubtme:lookatmewell。AtleastI
amlike——”
Perhapssomeofmyreadersrememberapaperofwhichthefigureofamancarryingabarrelformedtheinitialletter，andwhichI
copiedfromanoldspoonnowinmypossession。AsIlookedatMr。
PintoIdodeclarehelookedsolikethefigureonthatoldpieceofplatethatIstartedandfeltveryuneasy。”Ha！”saidhe，laughingthroughhisfalseteethIdeclaretheywerefalse——I
couldseeutterlytoothlessgumsworkingupanddownbehindthepinkcoral，”youseeIworeabeardden；Iamshafednow；perhapsyoutinkIamASPOON。Ha，ha！”AndashelaughedhegaveacoughwhichIthoughtwouldhavecoughedhisteethout，hisglasseyeout，hiswigoff，hisveryheadoff；buthestoppedthisconvulsionbystumpingacrosstheroomandseizingalittlebottleofbrightpinkmedicine，which，beingopened，spreadasingularacridaromaticodorthroughtheapartment；andIthoughtIsaw——butofthisIcannottakeanaffirmation——alightgreenandvioletflameflickeringroundtheneckofthevialasheopenedit。Bytheway，fromthepeculiarstumpingnoisewhichhemadeincrossingthebare-boardedapartment，Iknewatoncethatmystrangeentertainerhadawoodenleg。Overthedustwhichlayquitethickontheboards，youcouldseethemarkofonefootveryneatandpretty，andthenaroundO，whichwasnaturallytheimpressionmadebythewoodenstump。IownIhadaqueerthrillasIsawthatmark，andfeltasecretcomfortthatitwasnotCLOVEN。
InthisdesolateapartmentinwhichMr。Pintohadinvitedmetoseehim，therewerethreechairs，onebottomless，alittletableonwhichyoumightputabreakfasttray，andnotasingleotherarticleoffurniture。Inthenextroom，thedoorofwhichwasopen，Icouldseeamagnificentgiltdressingcase，withsomesplendiddiamondandrubyshirtstudslyingbyit，andachestofdrawers，andacupboardapparentlyfullofclothes。
RememberinghiminBaden-BadeningreatmagnificenceIwonderedathispresentdenudedstate。”Youhaveahouseelsewhere，Mr。
Pinto？”Isaid。”Many，”sayshe。”Ihaveapartmentsinmanycities。Ilockdemup，anddonotcarrymoshlogish。”
IthenrememberedthathisapartmentatBaden，whereIfirstmethim，wasbare，andhadnobedinit。”Thereis，then，asleepingroombeyond？””Thisisthesleepingroom。”HepronouncesitDIS。Canthis，bytheway，giveanyclewtothenationalityofthissingularman？”Ifyousleeponthesetwooldchairsyouhavearicketycouch；ifonthefloor，adustyone。””SupposeIsleepupdere？”saidthisstrangeman，andheactuallypointeduptotheceiling。Ithoughthimmadorwhathehimselfcalled”anombog。””Iknow。Youdonotbelieveme；forwhyshouldIdeceiveyou？Icamebuttoproposeamatterofbusinesstoyou。
ItoldyouIcouldgiveyoutheclewtothemysteryoftheTwoChildreninBlack，whomyoumetatBaden，andyoucametoseeme。
IfItoldyouyouwouldnotbelieveme。Whatfortryandconvinzyou？Hahey？”Andheshookhishandonce，twice，thrice，atme，andglaredatmeoutofhiseyeinapeculiarway。
OfwhathappenednowIprotestIcannotgiveanaccurateaccount。
Itseemedtomethatthereshotaflamefromhiseyeintomybrain，whilebehindhisGLASSeyetherewasagreenilluminationasifacandlehadbeenlitinit。Itseemedtomethatfromhislongfingerstwoquiveringflamesissued，sputtering，asitwere，whichpenetratedme，andforcedmebackintooneofthechairs——thebrokenone——outofwhichIhadmuchdifficultyinscrambling，whenthestrangeglamourwasended。Itseemedtomethat，whenIwassofixed，sotransfixedinthebrokenchair，themanfloateduptotheceiling，crossedhislegs，foldedhisarmsasifhewaslyingonasofa，andgrinneddownatme。WhenIcametomyselfhewasdownfromtheceiling，and，takingmeoutofthebrokencane-bottomedchair，kindlyenough——”Bah！”saidhe，”itisthesmellofmymedicine。Itoftengivesthevertigo。Ithoughtyouwouldhavehadalittlefit。Comeintotheopenair。”Andwewentdownthesteps，andintoShepherd’sInn，wherethesettingsunwasjustshiningonthestatueofShepherd；thelaundressesweretraipsingabout；theporterswereleaningagainsttherailings；andtheclerkswereplayingatmarbles，tomyinexpressibleconsolation。”Yousaidyouweregoingtodineatthe’Gray’s-InnCoffee-House，’”
hesaid。Iwas。Ioftendinethere。Thereisexcellentwineatthe”Gray’s-InnCoffee-House”；butIdeclareINEVERSAIDso。I
wasnotastonishedathisremark；nomoreastonishedthanifIwasinadream。PerhapsIWASinadream。Islifeadream？Aredreamsfacts？Issleepingbeingreallyawake？Idon’tknow。I
tellyouIampuzzled。Ihaveread”TheWomaninWhite，””TheStrangeStory”——nottomentionthatstory”StrangerthanFiction”
intheCornhillMagazine——thatstoryforwhichTHREEcrediblewitnessesarereadytovouch。Ihavehadmessagesfromthedead；
andnotonlyfromthedead，butfrompeoplewhoneverexistedatall。IownIaminastateofmuchbewilderment:but，ifyouplease，willproceedwithmysimple，myartlessstory。
Well，then。WepassedfromShepherd’sInnintoHolborn，andlookedforawhileatWoodgate’sbric-a-bracshop，whichInevercanpasswithoutdelayingatthewindows——indeed，ifIweregoingtobehung，Iwouldbegthecarttostop，andletmehaveonelookmoreatthatdelightfulomniumgatherum。AndpassingWoodgate’s，wecometoGale’slittleshop，”No。47，”whichisalsoafavoritehauntofmine。
Mr。Galehappenedtobeathisdoor，andasweexchangedsalutations，”Mr。Pinto，”Isaid，”willyouliketoseearealcuriosityinthiscuriosityshop？StepintoMr。Gale’slittlebackroom。”
InthatlittlebackparlorthereareChinesegongs；thereareoldSaxeandSevresplates；thereisFurstenberg，CarlTheodor，Worcester，Amstel，Nankinandotherjimcrockery。Andinthecornerwhatdoyouthinkthereis？ThereisanactualGUILLOTINE。Ifyoudoubtme，goandsee——Gale，HighHolborn，No。47。Itisasliminstrument，muchslighterthanthosewhichtheymakenow；——someninefeethigh，narrow，aprettypieceofupholsteryenough。Thereisthehookoverwhichtheropeusedtoplaywhichunloosenedthedreadfulaxabove；andlook！droppedintotheorificewheretheheadusedtogo——thereisTHEAXitself，allrusty，withAGREAT
NOTCHINTHEBLADE。
AsPintolookedatit——Mr。Galewasnotintheroom，Irecollect；
happeningtohavebeenjustcalledoutbyacustomerwhoofferedhimthreepoundfourteenandsixpenceforablueShepherdinpatetendre，——Mr。Pintogavealittlestart，andseemedcrispeforamoment。Thenhelookedsteadilytowardoneofthosegreatporcelainstoolswhichyouseeingardens——and——itseemedtome——I
tellyouIwon’ttakemyaffidavit——ImayhavebeenmaddenedbythesixglassesItookofthatpinkelixir——Imayhavebeensleep-
walking:perhapsamasIwritenow——ImayhavebeenundertheinfluenceofthatastoundingMEDIUMintowhosehandsIhadfallen——
butIvowIheardPintosay，withratheraghastlygrinattheporcelainstool，”Nay，nefershagueyourgorylocksatme，DoucanstnotsayIdidit。”
Hepronouncedit，bytheway，IDITit，bywhichIKNOWthatPintowasaGerman。
IheardPintosaythoseverywords，andsittingontheporcelainstoolIsaw，dimlyatfirst，thenwithanawfuldistinctness——aghost——anEIDOLON——aform——AHEADLESSMANseatedwithhisheadinhislap，whichworeanexpressionofpiteoussurprise。
Atthisminute，Mr。GaleenteredfromthefrontshoptoshowacustomersomeDelftplates；andhedidnotsee——butWEDID——thefigureriseupfromtheporcelainstool，shakeitshead，whichitheldinitshand，andwhichkeptitseyesfixedsadlyonus，anddisappearbehindtheguillotine。”Cometothe’Gray’s-InnCoffee-House，’”Pintosaid，”andIwilltellyouhowthenotchcametotheax。”AndwewalkeddownHolbornataboutthirty-sevenminutespastsixo’clock。
Ifthereisanythingintheabovestatementwhichastonishesthereader，Ipromisehimthatinthenextchapterofthislittlestoryhewillbeastonishedstillmore。
II”Youwillexcuseme，”Isaidtomycompanion，”forremarkingthatwhenyouaddressedtheindividualsittingontheporcelainstool，withhisheadinhislap，yourordinarilybenevolentfeatures”——
thisIconfesswasabouncer，forbetweenourselvesamoresinisterandill-lookingrascalthanMons。P。Ihaveseldomseteyeson——”yourordinarilyhandsomefaceworeanexpressionthatwasbynomeanspleasing。Yougrinnedattheindividualjustasyoudidatmewhenyouwentuptothecei——，pardonme，asI
THOUGHTyoudid，whenIfelldowninafitinyourchambers”；andI
qualifiedmywordsinagreatflutterandtremble；Ididnotcaretooffendtheman——IdidnotDAREtooffendtheman。Ithoughtonceortwiceofjumpingintoacab，andflying；oftakingrefugeinDayandMartin’sBlackingWarehouse；ofspeakingtoapoliceman，butnotonewouldcome。Iwasthisman’sslave。Ifollowedhimlikehisdog。ICOULDnotgetawayfromhim。So，yousee，Iwentonmeanlyconversingwithhim，andaffectingasimperingconfidence。Iremember，whenIwasalittleboyatschool，goingupfawningandsmilinginthiswaytosomegreathulkingbullyofasixth-formboy。SoIsaidinaword，”Yourordinarilyhandsomefaceworeadisagreeableexpression，”&c。”ItisordinarilyVERYhandsome，”saidhe，withsuchaleeratacoupleofpassers-by，thatoneofthemcried，”Oh，crickey，here’sapreciousguy！”andachild，initsnurse’sarms，screameditselfintoconvulsions。”Oh，oui，chesuistres-choligarcon，bienpeau，cerdainement，”continuedMr。Pinto；”butyouwereright。That——
thatpersonwasnotverywellpleasedwhenhesawme。Therewasnolovelostbetweenus，asyousay:andtheworldneverknewamoreworthlessmiscreant。Ihatehim，voyez-vous？Ihatedhimalife；I
hatehimdead。Ihatehimman；Ihatehimghost:andheknowit，andtremblebeforeme。IfIseehimtwentytausendyearshence——
andwhynot？——Ishallhatehimstill。Youremarkedhowhewasdressed？””Inblacksatinbreechesandstripedstockings；awhitepiquewaistcoat，agraycoat，withlargemetalbuttons，andhishairinpowder。Hemusthavewornapigtail——only——””OnlyitwasCUTOFF！Ha，ha，ha！”Mr。Pintocried，yellingalaugh，whichIobservedmadethepolicemanstareverymuch。”Yes。
Itwascutoffbythesameblowwhichtookoffthescoundrel’shead——ho，ho，ho！”Andhemadeacirclewithhishook-nailedfingerroundhisownyellowneck，andgrinnedwithahorribletriumph。”Ipromiseyouthatfellowwassurprisedwhenhefoundhisheadinthepannier。Ha！ha！Doyoueverceasetohatethosewhomyouhate？”——fireflashedterrificallyfromhisglasseyeashespoke——”ortolovedosewhomyouonceloved？Oh，never，never！”
Andherehisnaturaleyewasbedewedwithtears。”Buthereweareatthe’Gray’s-InnCoffeeHouse。’James，whatisthejoint？”
Thatveryrespectfulandefficientwaiterbroughtinthebilloffare，andI，formypart，choseboiledlegofpork，andpeasepudding，whichmyacquaintancesaidwoulddoaswellasanythingelse；thoughIremarkedheonlytrifledwiththepeasepudding，andleftalltheporkontheplate。Infact，hescarcelyateanything。
Buthedrankaprodigiousquantityofwine；andImustsaythatmyfriendMr。Hart’sportwineissogoodthatImyselftook——well，I
shouldthink，Itookthreeglasses。Yes，three，certainly。HE——I
meanMr。P——theoldrogue，wasinsatiable:forwehadtocallforasecondbottleinnotime。Whenthatwasgone，mycompanionwantedanother。Alittleredmounteduptohisyellowcheeksashedrankthewine，andhewinkedatitinastrangemanner。”I
remember，”saidhe，musing，”whenportwinewasscarcelydrunkinthiscountry——thoughtheQueenlikedit，andsodidHurley；butBolingbrokedidn’t——hedrankFlorenceandChampagne。Dr。Swiftputwatertohiswine。’Jonathan，’Ioncesaidtohim——butbah！autrestemps，autresmoeurs。Anothermagnum，James。”
Thiswasallverywell。”Mygoodsir，”Isaid，”itmaysuitYOUtoorderbottlesof’20port，ataguineaabottle；butthatkindofpricedoesnotsuitme。Ionlyhappentohavethirty-fourandsixpenceinmypocket，ofwhichIwantashillingforthewaiter，andeighteenpenceformycab。YourichforeignersandSWELLSmayspendwhatyoulike”Ihadhimthere:formyfriend’sdresswasasshabbyasanold-clothesman’s；”butamanwithafamily，Mr。
Whatd’you-call’im，cannotaffordtospendsevenoreighthundredayearonhisdinneralone。””Bah！”hesaid。”Nunkeypaysforall，asyousay。Iwillwhatyoucallstantthedinner，ifyouareSOPOOR！”andagainhegavethatdisagreeablegrin，andplacedanodiouscrook-nailedandbynomeanscleanfingertohisnose。ButIwasnotsoafraidofhimnow，forwewereinapublicplace；andthethreeglassesofportwinehad，yousee，givenmecourage。”Whataprettysnuff-box！”heremarked，asIhandedhimmine，whichIamstillold-fashionedenoughtocarry。Itisaprettyoldgoldboxenough，butvaluabletomeespeciallyasarelicofanold，oldrelative，whomIcanjustrememberasachild，whenshewasverykindtome。”Yes；aprettybox。Icanrememberwhenmanyladies——
mostladies，carriedabox——nay，twoboxes——tabatiereandbonbonniere。Whatladycarriessnuff-boxnow，hey？Supposeyourastonishmentifaladyinanassemblyweretoofferyouaprise？I
canrememberaladywithsuchaboxasthis，withatour，asweusedtocallitthen；withpaniers，withatortoise-shellcane，withtheprettiestlittlehigh-heeledvelvetshoesintheworld！——
ah！thatwasatime，thatwasatime！Ah，Eliza，Eliza，Ihavetheenowinmymind’seye！AtBungayontheWaveney，didInotwalkwiththee，Eliza？Aha，didInotlovethee？DidInotwalkwiththeethen？DoInotseetheestill？”
Thiswaspassingstrange。Myancestress——butthereisnoneedtopublishherreveredname——didindeedliveatBungaySt。Mary’s，wheresheliesburied。Sheusedtowalkwithatortoise-shellcane。Sheusedtowearlittleblackvelvetshoes，withtheprettiesthighheelsintheworld。”Didyou——didyou——know，then，mygreat-gr-nd-m-ther？”Isaid。
Hepulleduphiscoatsleeve——”Isthathername？”hesaid。”Eliza——”
There，Ideclare，wastheverynameofthekindoldcreaturewritteninredonhisarm。”YOUknewherold，”hesaid，diviningmythoughtswithhisstrangeknack；”Iknewheryoungandlovely。IdancedwithherattheBuryball。DidInot，dear，dearMiss——？”
AsIlive，heherementioneddeargr-nny’sMAIDENname。Hermaidennamewas。Herhonoredmarriednamewas。”Shemarriedyourgreat-gr-ndf-th-rtheyearPoseidonwontheNewmarketPlate，”Mr。Pintodrylyremarked。
Mercifulpowers！Iremember，overtheoldshagreenknifeandspooncaseonthesideboardinmygr-nny’sparlor，aprintbyStubbsofthatveryhorse。Mygrandsire，inaredcoat，andhisfairhairflowingoverhisshoulders，wasoverthemantelpiece，andPoseidonwontheNewmarketCupintheyear1783！”Yes；youareright。IdancedaminuetwithheratBurythatverynight，beforeIlostmypoorleg。AndIquarreledwithyourgrandf——，ha！”
Ashesaid”Ha！”therecamethreequietlittletapsonthetable——
itisthemiddletableinthe”Gray’s-InnCoffeeHouse，”underthebustofthelateDukeofW-ll-ngt-n。”Ifiredintheair，”hecontinued；”didInot？”Tap，tap，tap。”Yourgrandfatherhitmeintheleg。Hemarriedthreemonthsafterwards。’CaptainBrown，’Isaid’whocouldseeMissSm-thwithoutlovingher？’Sheisthere！Sheisthere！”Tap，tap，tap。”Yes，myfirstlove——”
Butheretherecametap，tap，whicheverybodyknowsmeans”No。””Iforgot，”hesaid，withafaintblushstealingoverhiswanfeatures，”shewasnotmyfirstlove。InGerm——inmyowncountry——
thereWASayoungwoman——”
Tap，tap，tap。Therewasherequitealivelylittletrebleknock；
andwhentheoldmansaid，”ButIlovedtheebetterthanalltheworld，Eliza，”theaffirmativesignalwasbrisklyrepeated。
AndthisIdeclareUPONMYHONOR。Therewas，Ihavesaid，abottleofportwinebeforeus——Ishouldsayadecanter。ThatdecanterwasLIFTEDUP，andoutofitintoourrespectiveglassestwobumpersofwinewerepoured。IappealtoMr。Hart，thelandlord——IappealtoJames，therespectfulandintelligentwaiter，ifthisstatementisnottrue？Andwhenwehadfinishedthatmagnum，andIsaid——forI
didnotnowintheleastdoubtherpresence——”Deargr-nny，maywehaveanothermagnum？”thetableDISTINCTLYrapped”No。”。”Now，mygoodsir，”Mr。Pintosaid，whoreallybegantobeaffectedbythewine，”youunderstandtheinterestIhavetakeninyou。I
lovedEliza——”ofcourseIdon’tmentionfamilynames。”I
knewyouhadthatboxwhichbelongedtoher——Iwillgiveyouwhatyoulikeforthatbox。Nameyourpriceatonce，andIpayyouonthespot。””Why，whenyoucameout，yousaidyouhadnotsix-penceinyourpocket。””Bah！giveyouanythingyoulike——fifty——ahundred——atausendpound。””Come，come，”saidI，”thegoldoftheboxmaybeworthnineguineas，andthefaconwewillputatsixmore。””Onetausendguineas！”hescreeched。”Onetausendandfiftypounddere！”andhesankbackinhischair——no，bytheway，onhisbench，forhewassittingwithhisbacktooneofthepartitionsoftheboxes，asIdaresayJamesremembers。”DON’Tgooninthisway，”Icontinuedratherweakly，forIdidnotknowwhetherIwasinadream。”IfyouoffermeathousandguineasforthisboxIMUSTtakeit。Mustn’tI，deargr-nny？”
Thetablemostdistinctlysaid”Yes”；andputtingouthisclawstoseizethebox，Mr。Pintoplungedhishookednoseintoit，andeagerlyinhaledsomeofmy47withadashofHardman。”Butstay，youoldharpy！”Iexclaimed，beingnowinasortofrage，andquitefamiliarwithhim。”Whereisthemoney？Whereisthecheck？””James，apieceofnotepaperandareceiptstamp！””Thisisallmightywell，sir，”Isaid，”butIdon’tknowyou；I
neversawyoubefore。Iwilltroubleyoutohandmethatboxbackagain，orgivemeacheckwithsomeknownsignature。””Whose？Ha，Ha，HA！”
Theroomhappenedtobeverydark。Indeedallthewaitersweregonetosupper，andtherewereonlytwogentlemensnoringintheirrespectiveboxes。Isawahandcomequiveringdownfromtheceiling——averyprettyhand，onwhichwasaringwithacoronet，withalionrampantgulesforacrest。Isawthathandtakeadipofinkandwriteacrossthepaper。Mr。Pinto，then，takingagrayreceiptstampoutofhisblueleatherpocketbook，fasteneditontothepaperbytheusualprocess；andthehandthenwroteacrossthereceiptstamp，wentacrossthetableandshookhandswithPinto，andthen，asifwavinghimanadieu，vanishedinthedirectionoftheceiling。
Therewasthepaperbeforeme，wetwiththeink。TherewasthepenwhichTHEHANDhadused。Doesanybodydoubtme？Ihavethatpennow，——acedarstickofanotuncommonsort，andholdingoneofGillott’spens。Itisinmyinkstandnow，Itellyou。Anybodymayseeit。Thehandwritingonthecheck，forsuchthedocumentwas，wasthewritingofafemale。Itranthus:——”London，midnight，March31，1862。Paythebeareronethousandandfiftypounds。
RachelSidonia。ToMessrs。Sidonia，PozzosantoandCo。，London。””Noblestandbestofwomen！”saidPinto，kissingthesheetofpaperwithmuchreverence。”MygoodMr。Roundabout，IsupposeyoudonotquestionTHATsignature？”
IndeedthehouseofSidonia，PozzosantoandCo。，isknowntobeoneoftherichestinEurope，andasfortheCountessRachel，shewasknowntobethechiefmanagerofthatenormouslywealthyestablishment。Therewasonlyonelittledifficulty，theCountessRacheldiedlastOctober。
Ipointedoutthiscircumstance，andtossedoverthepapertoPintowithasneer。”C’estabrandreoualaisser，”hesaidwithsomeheat。”Youliterarymenareallimbrudent；butIdidnottinkyousuchafoolwiedis。Yourboxisnotworthtwentypound，andIofferyouatausendbecauseIknowyouwantmoneytopaydatrascalTom’scollegebills。”ThisstrangemanactuallyknewthatmyscapegraceTomhadbeenasourceofgreatexpenseandannoyancetome。”Youseemoneycostsmenothing，andyourefusetotakeit！Once，twice；willyoutakethischeckinexchangeforyourtrumperysnuff-box？”
WhatcouldIdo？Mypoorgranny’slegacywasvaluableanddeartome，butafterallathousandguineasarenottobehadeveryday。”Beitabargain，”saidI。”Shallwehaveaglassofwineonit？”
saysPinto；andtothisproposalIalsounwillinglyacceded，remindinghim，bytheway，thathehadnotyettoldmethestoryoftheheadlessman。”Yourpoorgr-ndm-therwasrightjustnow，whenshesaidshewasnotmyfirstlove。’Twasoneofthosebanaleexpressions”hereMr。P。blushedoncemore”whichweusetowomen。Wetelleachsheisourfirstpassion。Theyreplywithasimilarillusoryformula。
Nomanisanywoman’sfirstlove；nowomananyman’s。Weareinloveinournurse’sarms，andwomencoquettewiththeireyesbeforetheirtonguecanformaword。Howcouldyourlovelyrelativeloveme？Iwasfar，fartoooldforher。IamolderthanIlook。IamsooldthatyouwouldnotbelievemyagewereItotellyou。I
havelovedmanyandmanyawomanbeforeyourrelative。Ithasnotalwaysbeenfortunateforthemtoloveme。Ah，Sophronia！Roundthedreadfulcircuswhereyoufell，andwhenceIwasdraggedcorpselikebytheheels，theresatmultitudesmoresavagethanthelionswhichmangledyoursweetform！Ah，tenez！whenwemarchedtotheterriblestaketogetheratValladolid——theProtestantandtheJ——Butawaywithmemory！Boy！itwashappyforthygrandamthatshelovedmenot。”Duringthatstrangeperiod，”hewenton，”whentheteemingTimewasgreatwiththerevolutionthatwasspeedilytobeborn，IwasonamissioninPariswithmyexcellent，mymalignedfriend，Cagliostro。Mesmerwasoneofourband。Iseemedtooccupybutanobscurerankinit:though，asyouknow，insecretsocietiesthehumblemanmaybeachiefanddirector——theostensibleleaderbutapuppetmovedbyunseenhands。Nevermindwhowaschief，orwhowassecond。Nevermindmyage。Itbootsnottotellit:whyshallI
exposemyselftoyourscornfulincredulity——orreplytoyourquestionsinwordsthatarefamiliartoyou，butwhichyoucannotunderstand？Wordsaresymbolsofthingswhichyouknow，orofthingswhichyoudon’tknow。Ifyoudon’tknowthem，tospeakisidle。”HereIconfessMr。P。spokeforexactlythirty-eightminutes，aboutphysics，metaphysics，language，theoriginanddestinyofman，duringwhichtimeIwasratherbored，andtorelievemyennui，drankahalfglassorsoofwine。”LOVE，friend，isthefountainofyouth！Itmaynothappentomeonce——
onceinanage:butwhenIlovethenIamyoung。IlovedwhenI
wasinParis。Bathilde，Bathilde，Ilovedthee——ah，howfondly！
Wine，Isay，morewine！Loveiseveryoung。IwasaboyatthelittlefeetofBathildedeBechamel——thefair，thefond，thefickle，ah，thefalse！”Thestrangeoldman’sagonywasherereallyterrific，andheshowedhimselfmuchmoreagitatedthanwhenhehadbeenspeakingaboutmygr-ndm-th-r。”IthoughtBlanchemightloveme。Icouldspeaktoherinthelanguageofallcountries，andtellhertheloreofallages。I
couldtracethenurserylegendswhichsheloveduptotheirSanscritsource，andwhispertoherthedarklingmysteriesoftheEgyptianMagi。IcouldchantforherthewildchorusthatranginthedisheveledEleusinianrevel:IcouldtellherandIwould，thewatchwordneverknownbuttoonewoman，theSabanQueen，whichHirambreathedintheabysmalearofSolomon——Youdon’tattend。
Psha！youhavedrunktoomuchwine！”PerhapsImayaswellownthatIwasNOTattending，forhehadbeencarryingonforaboutfifty-sevenminutes；andIdon’tlikeamantohaveALLthetalktohimself。”BlanchedeBechamelwaswild，then，aboutthissecretofMasonry。
Inearly，earlydaysIloved，ImarriedagirlfairasBlanche，who，too，wastormentedbycuriosity，who，too，wouldpeepintomycloset，intotheonlysecretguardedfromher。AdreadfulfatebefellpoorFatima。AnACCIDENTshortenedherlife。Poorthing！
shehadafoolishsisterwhourgedheron。IalwaystoldhertobewareofAnn。Shedied。Theysaidherbrotherskilledme。A
grossfalsehood。AMIdead？IfIwere，couldIpledgeyouinthiswine？””Wasyourname，”Iasked，quitebewildered，”wasyourname，pray，then，everBlueb——？””Hush！thewaiterwilloverhearyou。MethoughtwewerespeakingofBlanchedeBechamel。Ilovedher，youngman。Mypearls，anddiamonds，andtreasure，mywit，mywisdom，mypassion，Iflungthemallintothechild’slap。Iwasafool。WasstrongSamsonnotasweakasI？WasSolomontheWisemuchbetterwhenBalkiswheedledhim？Isaidtotheking——Butenoughofthat，IspakeofBlanchedeBechamel。”Curiositywasthepoorchild’sfoible。Icouldsee，asItalkedtoher，thatherthoughtswereelsewhereasyours，myfriend，havebeenabsentonceortwiceto-night。ToknowthesecretofMasonrywasthewretchedchild’smaddesire。Withathousandwiles，smiles，caresses，shestrovetocoaxitfromme——fromME——ha！ha！”Ihadanapprentice——thesonofadearfriend，whodiedbymysideatRossbach，whenSoubise，withwhosearmyIhappenedtobe，sufferedadreadfuldefeatforneglectingmyadvice。TheYoungChevalierGobydeMouchywasgladenoughtoserveasmyclerk，andhelpinsomechemicalexperimentsinwhichIwasengagedwithmyfriendDr。Mesmer。Bathildesawthisyoungman。Sincewomenwere，hasitnotbeentheirbusinesstosmileanddeceive，tofondleandlure？Away！Fromtheveryfirstithasbeenso！”Andasmycompanionspoke，helookedaswickedastheserpentthatcoiledroundthetree，andhissedapoisonedcounseltothefirstwoman。”OneeveningIwent，aswasmywont，toseeBlanche。Shewasradiant:shewaswildwithspirits:asaucytriumphblazedinherblueeyes。Shetalked，sherattledinherchildishway。Sheuttered，inthecourseofherrhapsody，ahint——anintimation——soterriblethatthetruthflashedacrossmeinamoment。DidIaskher？Shewouldlietome。ButIknewhowtomakefalsehoodimpossible。AndIorderedhertogotosleep。”
AtthismomenttheclockafteritspreviousconvulsionssoundedTWELVE。AndasthenewEditor*oftheCornhillMagazine——andHE，I
promiseyou，won’tstandanynonsense——willonlyallowsevenpages，IamobligedtoleaveoffatTHEVERYMOSTINTERESTINGPOINTOFTHE
STORY。
*Mr。ThackerayretiredfromtheEditorshipoftheCornhillMagazineinMarch，1862
III”Areyouofourfraternity？Iseeyouarenot。ThesecretwhichMademoiselledeBechamelconfidedtomeinhermadtriumphandwildhoydenspirits——shewasbutachild，poorthing，poorthing，scarcefifteen；——butIlovethemyoung——afollynotunusualwiththeold！”
HereMr。Pintothrusthisknucklesintohisholloweyes；and，Iamsorrytosay，solittleregardfulwasheofpersonalcleanliness，thathistearsmadestreaksofwhiteoverhisguarleddarkhands。”Ah，atfifteen，poorchild，thyfatewasterrible！Goto！Itisnotgoodtoloveme，friend。Theyprospernotwhodo。Idivineyou。Youneednotsaywhatyouarethinking——”
Intruth，Iwasthinking，ifgirlsfallinlovewiththissallow，hook-nosed，glass-eyed，wooden-legged，dirty，hideousoldman，withtheshamteeth，theyhaveaqueertaste。THATiswhatIwasthinking。”JackWilkessaidthehandsomestmaninLondonhadbuthalfanhour’sstartofhim。And，withoutvanity，IamscarcelyuglierthanJackWilkes。WeweremembersofthesameclubatMedenhamAbbey，JackandI，andhadmanyamerrynighttogether。Well，sir，I——MaryofScotlandknewmebutasalittlehunchbackedmusicmaster；andyet，andyet，IthinkshewasnotindifferenttoherDavidRiz——andSHEcametomisfortune。Theyalldo——theyalldo！””Sir，youarewanderingfromyourpoint！”Isaid，withsomeseverity。For，really，forthisoldhumbugtohintthathehadbeenthebaboonwhofrightenedtheclubatMedenham，thathehadbeenintheInquisitionatValladolid——thatunderthenameofD。
Riz，ashecalledit，hehadknownthelovelyQueenofScots——wasaLITTLEtoomuch。”Sir，”thenIsaid，”youwerespeakingaboutaMissBechamel。Ireallyhavenottimetohearallofyourbiography。””Faith，thegoodwinegetsintomyhead。”Ishouldthinkso，theoldtoper！Fourbottlesallbuttwoglasses。”ToreturntopoorBlanche。AsIsatlaughing，jokingwithher，sheletslipaword，alittleword，whichfilledmewithdismay。SomeonehadtoldherapartoftheSecret——thesecretwhichhasbeendivulgedscarcethriceinthreethousandyears——theSecretoftheFreemasons。Doyouknowwhathappenstothoseuninitiatewholearnthatsecret？tothosewretchedmen，theinitiatewhorevealit？”
AsPintospoketome，helookedthroughandthroughmewithhishorriblepiercingglance，sothatIsatquiteuneasilyonmybench。
Hecontinued:”DidIquestionherawake？Iknewshewouldlietome。Poorchild！IlovedhernolessbecauseIdidnotbelieveawordshesaid。Ilovedherblueeye，hergoldenhair，herdeliciousvoice，thatwastrueinsong，thoughwhenshespoke，falseasEblis！YouareawarethatIpossessinratheraremarkabledegreewhatwehaveagreedtocallthemesmericpower。
Isettheunhappygirltosleep。THENshewasobligedtotellmeall。ItwasasIhadsurmised。GobydeMouchy，mywretched，besottedmiserablesecretary，inhisvisitstothechateauoftheMarquisdeBechamel，whowasoneofoursociety，hadseenBlanche。
Isupposeitwasbecauseshehadbeenwarnedthathewasworthless，andpoor，artfulandacoward，shelovedhim。ShewormedoutofthebesottedwretchthesecretsofourOrder。’DidhetellyoutheNUMBERONE？’Iasked。”Shesaid，’Yes。’”’Didhe，’Ifurtherinquired，’tellyouthe——’”’Oh，don’taskme，don’taskme！’shesaid，writhingonthesofa，whereshelayinthepresenceoftheMarquisdeBechamel，hermostunhappyfather。PoorBechamel，poorBechamel！HowpalehelookedasIspoke！’Didhetellyou，’Irepeatedwithadreadfulcalm，’theNUMBERTWO？’Shesaid，’Yes。’”Thepooroldmarquisroseup，andclaspinghishands，fellonhiskneesbeforeCountCagl——Bah！Iwentbyadifferentnamethen。
Vat’sinaname？DatvichyecallaRosicrucianbyanyothernamevilsmellassveet。’Monsieur，’hesaid，’Iamold——Iamrich。I
havefivehundredthousandlivresofrentesinPicardy。IhavehalfasmuchinArtois。IhavetwohundredandeightythousandontheGrandLivre。IampromisedbymySovereignadukedomandhisorderswithareversiontomyheir。IamaGrandeeofSpainoftheFirstClass，andDukeofVolovento。Takemytitles，myreadymoney，mylife，myhonor，everythingIhaveintheworld，butdon’tasktheTHIRDQUESTION。’”’GodfroiddeBouillon，ComtedeBechamel，GrandeeofSpainandPrinceofVolovento，inourAssemblywhatwastheoathyouswore？’
Theoldmanwrithedasheremembereditsterrificpurport。”Thoughmyheartwasrackedwithagony，andIwouldhavedied，aye，cheerfully”died，indeed，asifTHATwereapenalty！”tospareyonderlovelychildapang，Isaidtohercalmly，’BlanchedeBechamel，didGobydeMouchytellyousecretNUMBERTHREE？’”Shewhisperedaouithatwasquitefaint，faintandsmall。Butherpoorfatherfellinconvulsionsatherfeet。”Shediedsuddenlythatnight。DidInottellyouthoseIlovecometonogood？WhenGeneralBonapartecrossedtheSaintBernard，hesawintheconventanoldmonkwithawhitebeard，wanderingaboutthecorridors，cheerfulandratherstout，butmad——madasaMarchhare。’General，’Isaidtohim，’didyoueverseethatfacebefore？’Hehadnot。HehadnotmingledmuchwiththehigherclassesofoursocietybeforetheRevolution。Iknewthepooroldmanwellenough；hewasthelastofanoblerace，andIlovedhischild。””Anddidshedieby——？””Man！didIsayso？DoIwhisperthesecretsoftheVehmgericht？
Isayshediedthatnight:andhe——he，theheartless，thevillain，thebetrayer，——yousawhimseatedinyondercuriosityshop，byyonderguillotine，withhisscoundrellyheadinhislap。”Yousawhowslightthatinstrumentwas？ItwasoneofthefirstwhichGuillotinmade，andwhichheshowedtoprivatefriendsinahangarintheRuePicpus，wherehelived。Theinventioncreatedsomelittleconversationamongscientificmenatthetime，thoughI
rememberamachineinEdinburghofaverysimilarconstruction，twohundred——well，many，manyyearsago——andatabreakfastwhichGuillotingaveheshowedustheinstrument，andmuchtalkaroseamongusastowhetherpeoplesufferedunderit。”AndnowImusttellyouwhatbefellthetraitorwhohadcausedallthissuffering。Didheknowthatthepoorchild’sdeathwasaSENTENCE？Hefeltacowardlysatisfactionthatwithherwasgonethesecretofhistreason。Thenhebegantodoubt。IhadMEANStopenetrateallhisthoughts，aswellastoknowhisacts。Thenhebecameaslavetoahorriblefear。Hefledinabjectterrortoaconvent。TheystillexistedinParis；andbehindthewallsofJacobinsthewretchthoughthimselfsecure。Poorfool！Ihadbuttosetoneofmysomnambuliststosleep。Herspiritwentforthandspiedtheshudderingwretchinhiscell。Shedescribedthestreet，thegate，theconvent，theverydresswhichhewore，andwhichyousawto-day。”AndnowTHISiswhathappened。InhischamberintheRueSt。
Honore，atParis，satamanALONE——amanwhohasbeenmaligned，amanwhohasbeencalledaknaveandcharlatan，amanwhohasbeenpersecutedeventothedeath，itissaid，inRomanInquisitions，forsooth，andelsewhere。Ha！ha！Amanwhohasamightywill。”AndlookingtowardtheJacobinsConventofwhich，fromhischamber，hecouldseethespiresandtrees，thismanWILLED。Anditwasnotyetdawn。Andhewilled；andonewhowaslyinginhiscellintheconventofJacobins，awakeandshudderingwithterrorforacrimewhichhehadcommitted，fellasleep。”Butthoughhewasasleephiseyeswereopen。”Andaftertossingandwrithing，andclingingtothepallet，andsaying’No，Iwillnotgo，’heroseupanddonnedhisclothes——agraycoat，avestofwhitepique，blacksatinsmall-clothes，ribbedsilkstockings，andawhitestockwithasteelbuckle；andhearrangedhishair，andhetiedhisqueue，allthewhilebeinginthatstrangesomnolencewhichwalks，whichmoves，whichFLIES
sometimes，whichsees，whichisindifferenttopain，whichOBEYS。