Chapter5。XX。
HowtheQuintessencecuredthesickwithasong。
Thecaptainshowedusthequeen，attendedwithherladiesandgentlemen，inthesecondgallery。Shelookedyoung，thoughshewasatleasteighteenhundredyearsold，andwashandsome，slender，andasfineasaqueen，thatis，ashandscouldmakeher。Hethensaidtous:Itisnotyetafittimetospeaktothequeen；beyoubutmindfulofherdoingsinthemeanwhile。
Youhavekingsinyourworldthatfantasticallypretendtocuresomecertaindiseases，as，forexample，scrofulaorwens，swelledthroats，nicknamedtheking\'sevil，andquartanagues，onlywithatouch；nowourqueencuresallmannerofdiseaseswithoutsomuchastouchingthesick，butbarelywithasong，accordingtothenatureofthedistemper。Hethenshowedusasetoforgans，andsaidthatwhenitwastouchedbyherthosemiraculouscureswereperformed。Theorganwasindeedthestrangestthatevereyesbeheld；forthepipeswereofcassiafistulainthecod；thetopandcorniceofguiacum；thebellowsofrhubarb；thepedasofturbith，andtheclavierorkeysofscammony。
Whilewewereexaminingthiswonderfulnewmakeofanorgan，theleprouswerebroughtinbyherabstractors，spodizators，masticators，pregustics，tabachins，chachanins，neemanins，rabrebans，nercins，rozuins，nebidins，tearins，segamions，perarons，chasinins，sarins，soteins，aboth，enilins，archasdarpenins，mebins，chabourins，andotherofficers，forwhomIwantnames；sosheplayed\'emIdon\'tknowwhatsortofatuneorsong，andtheywereallimmediatelycured。
Thenthosewhowerepoisonedwerehadin，andshehadnosoonergiventhemasongbuttheybegantofindausefortheirlegs，anduptheygot。Thencameonthedeaf，theblind，andthedumb，andtheytoowererestoredtotheirlostfacultiesandsenseswiththesameremedy；whichdidsostrangelyamazeusandnotwithoutreason，Ithinkthatdownwefellonourfaces，remainingprostrate，likemenravishedinecstasy，andwerenotabletoutteronewordthroughtheexcessofouradmiration，tillshecame，andhavingtouchedPantagruelwithafinefragrantnosegayofwhiteroseswhichsheheldinherhand，thusmadeusrecoveroursensesandgetup。
Thenshemadeusthefollowingspeechinbyssinwords，suchasParisatisdesiredshouldbespokentohersonCyrus，oratleastofcrimsonalamode:
Theprobitythatscintillizesinthesuperficesofyourpersonsinformsmyratiocinatingfaculty，inamoststupendousmanner，oftheradiantvirtueslatentwithinthepreciouscasketsandventriclesofyourminds。For，contemplatingthemellifluoussuavityofyourthricediscreetreverences，itisimpossiblenottobepersuadedwithfacilitythatneitheryouraffectionsnoryourintellectsarevitiatedwithanydefectorprivationofliberalandexaltedsciences。Farfromit，allmustjudgethatinyouarelodgedacornucopiaandencyclopaedia，anunmeasurableprofundityofknowledgeinthemostperegrineandsublimedisciplines，sofrequentlytheadmiration，andsorarelytheconcomitantsoftheimperitevulgar。Thisgentlycompelsme，whoinprecedingtimesindefatigablykeptmyprivateaffectionsabsolutelysubjugated，tocondescendtomakemyapplicationtoyouinthetrivialphraseoftheplebeianworld，andassureyouthatyouarewell，morethanmostheartilywelcome。
Ihavenohandatmakingofspeeches，quothPanurgetomeprivately；
prithee，man，makeanswertoherforus，ifthoucanst。Thiswouldnotworkwithme，however；neitherdidPantagruelreturnaword。SothatQueenWhims，orQueenQuintessencewhichyouplease，perceivingthatwestoodasmuteasfishes，said:YourtaciturnityspeaksyounotonlydisciplesofPythagoras，fromwhomthevenerableantiquityofmyprogenitorsinsuccessivepropagationwasemanedandderivesitsoriginal，butalsodiscovers，thatthroughtherevolutionofmanyretrogrademoons，youhaveinEgyptpressedtheextremitiesofyourfingerswiththehardtenantsofyourmouths，andscalptizedyourheadswithfrequentapplicationsofyourunguicules。IntheschoolofPythagoras，taciturnitywasthesymbolofabstractedandsuperlativeknowledge，andthesilenceoftheEgyptianswasagnitedasanexpressivemannerofdivineadoration；thiscausedthepontiffsofHierapolistosacrificetothegreatdeityinsilence，impercussively，withoutanyvociferousorobstreperoussound。Mydesignisnottoenterintoaprivationofgratitudetowardsyou，butbyavivaciousformality，thoughmatterweretoabstractitselffromme，excentricatetoyoumycogitations。
Havingspokenthis，sheonlysaidtoherofficers，Tabachins，apanacea；
andstraighttheydesiredusnottotakeitamissifthequeendidnotinviteustodinewithher；forsheneverateanythingatdinnerbutsomecategories，jecabots，emnins，dimions，abstractions，harborins，chelemins，secondintentions，carradoths，antitheses，metempsychoses，transcendentprolepsies，andsuchotherlightfood。
Thentheytookusintoalittleclosetlinedthroughwithalarums，whereweweretreatedGodknowshow。ItissaidthatJupiterwriteswhateveristransactedintheworldonthediptheraorskinoftheAmalthaeangoatthatsuckledhiminCrete，whichpeltservedhiminsteadofashieldagainsttheTitans，whencehewasnicknamedAegiochos。Now，asIhatetodrinkwater，brothertopers，Iprotestitwouldbeimpossibletomakeeighteengoatskinsholdthedescriptionofallthegoodmeattheybroughtbeforeus，thoughitwerewrittenincharactersassmallasthoseinwhichwerepennedHomer\'sIliads，whichTullytellsushesawenclosedinanutshell。
Formypart，hadIonehundredmouths，asmanytongues，avoiceofiron，aheartofoak，andlungsofleather，togetherwiththemellifluousabundanceofPlato，yetInevercouldgiveyouafullaccountofathirdpartofasecondofthewhole。
Pantagruelwastellingmethathebelievedthequeenhadgiventhesymbolicwordusedamonghersubjectstodenotesovereigngoodcheer，whenshesaidtohertabachins，Apanacea；justasLucullususedtosay，InApollo，whenhedesignedtogivehisfriendsasingulartreat；thoughsometimestheytookhimatunawares，as，amongtherest，CiceroandHortensiussometimesusedtodo。
Chapter5。XXI。
HowtheQueenpassedhertimeafterdinner。
Whenwehaddined，achachaninledusintothequeen\'shall，andtherewesawhow，afterdinner，withtheladiesandtheprincesofhercourt，sheusedtosift，searce，bolt，range，andpassawaytimewithafinelargewhiteandbluesilksieve。Wealsoperceivedhowtheyrevivedancientsports，divertingthemselvestogetherat——
1。Cordax。6。Phrygia。11。Monogas。
2。Emmelia。7。Thracia。12。Terminalia。
3。Sicinnia。8。Calabrisme。13。Floralia。
4。Jambics。9。Molossia。14。Pyrrhice。
5。Persica。10。Cernophorum。15。Nicatism。
Andathousandotherdances。
Motteuxhasthefollowingfootnote:——\'1。Asortofcountry-dance。2。A
stilltragicdance。3。Dancingandsingingusedatfunerals。4。Cuttingsarcasmsandlampoons。5。ThePersiandance。6。Tunes，whosemeasureinspiredmenwithakindofdivinefury。7。TheThracianmovement。8。
Smuttyverses。9。AmeasuretowhichtheMolossiofEpirusdancedacertainmorrice。10。Adancewithbowlsorpotsintheirhands。11。A
songwhereonesingsalone。12。Sportsattheholidaysofthegodofbounds。13。DancingnakedatFlora\'sholidays。14。TheTrojandanceinarmour。\'
Afterwardsshegaveordersthattheyshouldshowustheapartmentsandcuriositiesinherpalace。Accordinglywesawtheresuchnew，strange，andwonderfulthings，thatIamstillravishedinadmirationeverytimeIthinkof\'t。However，nothingsurprisedusmorethanwhatwasdonebythegentlemenofherhousehold，abstractors，parazons，nebidins，spodizators，andothers，whofreelyandwithouttheleastdissemblingtoldusthatthequeentheirmistressdidallimpossiblethings，andcuredmenofincurablediseases；andthey，herofficers，usedtodotherest。
Isawthereayoungparazoncuremanyofthenewconsumption，Imeanthepox，thoughtheywereneversopeppered。HaditbeentherankestRoanagueAnglice，theCovent-gardengout，\'twasallonetohim；touchingonlytheirdentiformvertebraethricewithapieceofawoodenshoe，hemadethemaswholesomeassomanysucking-pigs。
Anotherdidthoroughlycurefolksofdropsies，tympanies，ascites，andhyposarcides，strikingthemonthebellyninetimeswithaTenedianhatchet，withoutanysolutionofthecontinuum。
Anothercuredallmanneroffeversandaguesonthespot，onlywithhangingafox-tailontheleftsideofthepatient\'sgirdle。
Oneremovedthetoothacheonlywithwashingthricetherootoftheachingtoothwithelder-vinegar，andlettingitdryhalf-an-hourinthesun。
Anotherthegout，whetherhotorcold，naturaloraccidental，bybarelymakingthegoutypersonshuthismouthandopenhiseyes。
IsawanothereaseninegentlemenofSt。Francis\'sdistemper\'A
consumptioninthepocket，orwantofmoney；thoseofSt。Francis\'sordermustcarrynoneabout\'em。\'——Motteux。inaveryshortspaceoftime，havingclappedaropeabouttheirnecks，attheendofwhichhungaboxwithtenthousandgoldcrownsin\'t。
Onewithawonderfulenginethrewthehousesoutatthewindows，bywhichmeanstheywerepurgedofallpestilentialair。
Anothercuredallthethreekindsofhectics，thetabid，atrophes，andemaciated，withoutbathing，Tabianmilk，dropax，aliasdepilatory，orothersuchmedicaments，onlyturningtheconsumptiveforthreemonthsintomonks；
andheassuredmethatiftheydidnotgrowfatandplumpinamonasticwayofliving，theyneverwouldbefattenedinthisworld，eitherbynatureorbyart。
Isawanothersurroundedwithacrowdoftwosortsofwomen。Somewereyoung，quaint，clever，neat，pretty，juicy，tight，brisk，buxom，proper，kind-hearted，andasrightasmyleg，toanyman\'sthinking。Therestwereold，weather-beaten，over-ridden，toothless，blear-eyed，tough，wrinkled，shrivelled，tawny，mouldy，phthisicky，decrepithags，beldams，andwalkingcarcasses。Weweretoldthathisofficewastocastanewthoseshe-piecesofantiquity，andmakethemsuchastheprettycreatureswhomwesaw，whohadbeenmadeyoungagainthatday，recoveringatoncethebeauty，shape，size，anddispositionwhichtheyenjoyedatsixteen；excepttheirheels，thatwerenowmuchshorterthanintheirformeryouth。
Thismadethemyetmoreapttofallbackwardswheneveranymanhappenedtotouch\'em，thantheyhadbeenbefore。Asfortheircounterparts，theoldmother-scratch-tobies，theymostdevoutlywaitedfortheblessedhourwhenthebatchthatwasintheovenwastobedrawn，thattheymighthavetheirturns，andinamightyhastetheywerepullingandhaulingthemanlikemad，tellinghimthat\'tisthemostgrievousandintolerablethinginnatureforthetailtobeonfireandtheheadtoscareawaythosewhoshouldquenchit。
Theofficerhadhishandsfull，neverwantingpatients；neitherdidhisplacebringhiminlittle，youmayswear。Pantagruelaskedhimwhetherhecouldalsomakeoldmenyoungagain。Hesaidhecouldnot。Butthewaytomakethemnewmenwastoget\'emtocohabitwithanew-castfemale；forthistheycaughtthatfifthkindofcrinckams，whichsomecallpellade，inGreek，Greek，thatmakesthemcastofftheiroldhairandskin，justastheserpentsdo，andthustheiryouthisrenewedliketheArabianphoenix\'s。Thisisthetruefountainofyouth，fortheretheoldanddecrepitbecomeyoung，active，andlusty。
Justso，asEuripidestellsus，Iolauswastransmogrified；andthusPhaon，forwhomkind-heartedSapphorunwild，growyoungagain，forVenus\'suse；
soTithonbyAurora\'smeans；soAesonbyMedea，andJasonalso，who，ifyou\'llbelievePherecidesandSimonides，wasnew-vampedanddyedbythatwitch；andsowerethenursesofjollyBacchus，andtheirhusbands，asAeschylusrelates。
Chapter5。XXII。
HowQueenWhims\'officerswereemployed；andhowthesaidladyretainedusamongherabstractors。
Ithensawagreatnumberofthequeen\'sofficers，whomadeblackamoorswhiteasfastashops，justrubbingtheirbellieswiththebottomofapannier。
Others，withthreecouplesoffoxesinoneyoke，ploughedasandyshore，anddidnotlosetheirseed。
Otherswashedburnttiles，andmadethemlosetheircolour。
Othersextractedwateroutofpumice-stones，brayingthemagoodwhileinamortar，andchangedtheirsubstance。
Othersshearedasses，andthusgotlongfleecewool。
Othersgatheredbarberriesandfigsoffofthistles。
Othersstrokedhe-goatsbythedugs，andsavedtheirmilkinasieve；andmuchtheygotbyit。
Otherswashedasses\'headswithoutlosingtheirsoap。
Otherstaughtcowstodance，anddidnotlosetheirfiddling。
Otherspitchednetstocatchthewind，andtookcock-lobstersinthem。
Isawaspodizator，whoveryartificiallygotfartsoutofadeadass，andsold\'emforfivepenceanell。
Anotherdidputrefybeetles。Othedaintyfood！
PoorPanurgefairlycastuphisaccounts，andgaveuphishalfpennyi。e。
vomited，seeinganarchasdarpeninwholaidahugeplentyofchamberlyetoputrefyinhorsedung，mishmashedwithabundanceofChristiansir-reverence。
Pugh，fieuponhim，nastydog！However，hetoldusthatwiththissacreddistillationhewateredkingsandprinces，andmadetheirsweetlivesafathomortwothelonger。
Othersbuiltchurchestojumpoverthesteeples。
Otherssetcartsbeforethehorses，andbegantoflayeelsatthetail；
neitherdidtheeelscrybeforetheywerehurt，likethoseofMelun。
Othersoutofnothingmadegreatthings，andmadegreatthingsreturntonothing。
Otherscutfireintosteakswithaknife，anddrewwaterwithafish-net。
Othersmadechalkofcheese，andhoneyofadog\'st——d。
Wesawaknotofothers，aboutabaker\'sdozeninnumber，tipplingunderanarbour。Theytopedoutofjollybottomlesscupsfoursortsofcool，sparkling，pure，delicious，vine-treesirup，whichwentdownlikemother\'smilk；andhealthsandbumpersflewaboutlikelightning。Weweretoldthatthesetruephilosopherswerefairlymultiplyingthestarsbydrinkingtillthesevenwerefourteen，asbrawnyHerculesdidwithAtlas。
Othersmadeavirtueofnecessity，andthebestofabadmarket，whichseemedtomeaverygoodpieceofwork。
Othersmadealchemyi。e。sir-reverencewiththeirteeth，andclappingtheirhindretorttotherecipient，madescurvyfaces，andthensqueezed。
Others，inalargegrassplot，exactlymeasuredhowfarthefleascouldgoatahop，astep，andjump；andtoldusthatthiswasexceedinglyusefulfortherulingofkingdoms，theconductofarmies，andtheadministrationofcommonwealths；andthatSocrates，whofirstgotphilosophyoutofheaven，andfromidlingandtriflingmadeitprofitableandofmoment，usedtospendhalfhisphilosophizingtimeinmeasuringtheleapsoffleas，asAristophanesthequintessentialaffirms。
Isawtwogibroinsbythemselveskeepingwatchonthetopofatower，andweweretoldtheyguardedthemoonfromthewolves。
InablindcornerImetfourmoreveryhotatit，andreadytogotologgerheads。Iaskedwhatwasthecauseofthestirandado，themightycoilandpothertheymade。AndIheardthatforfourlivelongdaysthoseoverwiseroistershadbeenatitding-dong，disputingonthreehigh，morethanmetaphysicalpropositions，promisingthemselvesmountainsofgoldbysolvingthem。Thefirstwasconcerningahe-ass\'sshadow；thesecond，ofthesmokeofalantern；andthethirdofgoat\'shair，whetheritwerewoolorno。Weheardthattheydidnotthinkitabitstrangethattwocontradictionsinmode，form，figure，andtimeshouldbetrue；thoughI
willwarrantthesophistsofParishadratherbeunchristenedthanownsomuch。
Whilewewereadmiringallthosemen\'swonderfuldoings，theeveningstaralreadytwinkling，thequeenGodblessher！appeared，attendedwithhercourt，andagainamazedanddazzledus。Sheperceivedit，andsaidtous:
Whatoccasionstheaberrationsofhumancogitationsthroughtheperplexinglabyrinthsandabyssesofadmiration，isnotthesourceoftheeffects，whichsagaciousmortalsvisiblyexperiencetobetheconsequentialresultofnaturalcauses。\'Tisthenoveltyoftheexperimentwhichmakesimpressionsontheirconceptive，cogitativefaculties；thatdonotprevisethefacilityoftheoperationadequately，withasubactandsedateintellection，associatedwithdiligentandcongruousstudy。Consequentlyletallmannerofperturbationabdicatetheventriclesofyourbrains，ifanyonehasinvadedthemwhiletheywerecontemplatingwhatistransactedbymydomesticministers。Bespectatorsandauditorsofeveryparticularphenomenonandeveryindividualpropositionwithintheextentofmymansion；satiateyourselveswithallthatcanfallhereundertheconsiderationofyourvisualorauscultatingpowers，andthusemancipateyourselvesfromtheservitudeofcrassousignorance。AndthatyoumaybeinducedtoapprehendhowsincerelyIdesirethisinconsiderationofthestudiouscupiditythatsodemonstrativelyemicatesatyourexternalorgans，fromthispresentparticleoftimeIretainyouasmyabstractors。Geber，myprincipalTabachin，shallregisterandinitiateyouatyourdeparting。
Wehumblythankedherqueenshipwithoutsayingaword，acceptingofthenobleofficesheconferredonus。
Chapter5。XXIII。
HowtheQueenwasservedatdinner，andofherwayofeating。
QueenWhimsafterthissaidtohergentlemen:Theorificeoftheventricle，thatordinaryembassadorforthealimentationofallmembers，whethersuperiororinferior，importunesustorestore，bytheappositionofidoneoussustenance，whatwasdissipatedbytheinternalcalidity\'sactionontheradicalhumidity。Thereforespodizators，gesinins，memains，andparazons，benotculpableofdilatoryprotractionsintheappositionofeveryre-roboratingspecies，butratherletthempullulateandsuperaboundonthetables。Asforyou，nobilissimpraegustators，andmygentilissimmasticators，yourfrequentlyexperimentedindustry，internectedwithperdiligentsedulityandsedulousperdiligence，continuallyadjuvatesyoutoperficiateallthingsinsoexpeditiousamannerthatthereisnonecessityofexcitinginyouacupiditytoconsummatethem。ThereforeI
canonlysuggesttoyoustilltooperateasyouareassuefactedindefatigablytooperate。
Havingmadethisfinespeech，sheretiredforawhilewithpartofherwomen，andweweretoldthat\'twastobathe，astheancientsdidmorecommonlythanweusenowadaystowashourhandsbeforeweeat。Thetablesweresoonplaced，theclothspread，andthenthequeensatdown。Sheatenothingbutcelestialambrosia，anddranknothingbutdivinenectar。Asforthelordsandladiesthatwerethere，they，aswellaswe，faredonasrare，costly，anddaintydishesaseverApiciuswotordreamedofinhislife。
Whenwewereasroundashoops，andasfullaseggs，withstuffingthegut，anollapodrida\'SomecallitanOlio。RabelaisPot-pourry。\'——Motteux。
wassetbeforeustoforcehungertocometotermswithus，incaseithadnotgrantedusatruce；andsuchahugevastthingitwasthattheplatewhichPythiusAlthiusgaveKingDariuswouldhardlyhavecoveredit。Theollaconsistedofseveralsortsofpottages，salads，fricassees，saugrenees，cabirotadoes，roastandboiledmeat，carbonadoes，swingeingpiecesofpowderedbeef，goodoldhams，daintysomates，cakes，tarts，aworldofcurdsaftertheMoorishway，freshcheese，jellies，andfruitofallsorts。Allthisseemedtomegoodanddainty；however，thesightofitmademesigh；foralas！Icouldnottasteabiton\'t，sofullIhadfilledmypuddingsbefore，andabellyfulisabellyfulyouknow。YetImusttellyouwhatIsawthatseemedtomeoddenougho\'conscience；\'twassomepastiesinpaste；andwhatshouldthosepastiesinpastebe，d\'yethink，butpastiesinpots？AtthebottomIperceivedstoreofdice，cards，tarots\'Greatcardsonwhichmanydifferentthingsarefigured。\'——
Motteux。，luettes\'Piecesofivorytoplaywithal。\'——Motteux。，chessmen，andchequers，besidesfullbowlsofgoldcrowns，forthosewhohadamindtohaveagameortwoandtrytheirchance。UnderthisIsawajollycompanyofmulesinstatelytrappings，withvelvetfootcloths，andatroopofamblingnags，someformenandsomeforwomen；besidesIdon\'tknowhowmanylittersalllinedwithvelvet，andsomecoachesofFerraramake；allthisforthosewhohadamindtotaketheair。
Thisdidnotseemstrangetome；butifanythingdid\'twascertainlythequeen\'swayofeating，andtruly\'twasverynew，andveryodd；forshechewednothing，thegoodlady；notbutthatshehadgoodsoundteeth，andhermeatrequiredtobemasticated，butsuchwasherhighness\'scustom。
Whenherpraegustatorshadtastedthemeat，hermasticatorstookitandcheweditmostnobly；fortheirdaintychopsandgulletswerelinedthroughwithcrimsonsatin，withlittleweltsandgoldpurls，andtheirteethwereofdelicatewhiteivory。Thus，whentheyhadchewedthemeatreadyforherhighness\'smaw，theypoureditdownherthroatthroughafunneloffinegold，andsoontohercraw。Forthatreasontheytoldusshenevervisitedaclose-stoolbutbyproxy。
Chapter5。XXIV。
Howtherewasaballinthemannerofatournament，atwhichQueenWhimswaspresent。
Aftersuppertherewasaballintheformofatiltoratournament，notonlyworthseeing，butalsonevertobeforgotten。First，thefloorofthehallwascoveredwithalargepieceofvelvetedwhiteandyellowchequeredtapestry，eachchequerexactlysquare，andthreefullspansinbreadth。
Thenthirty-twoyoungpersonscameintothehall；sixteenofthemarrayedinclothofgold，andoftheseeightwereyoungnymphssuchastheancientsdescribedDiana\'sattendants；theothereightwereaking，aqueen，twowardensofthecastle，twoknights，andtwoarchers。Thoseoftheotherbandwerecladinclothofsilver。
Theypostedthemselvesonthetapestryinthefollowingmanner:thekingsonthelastlineonthefourthsquare；sothatthegoldenkingwasonawhitesquare，andthesilveredkingonayellowsquare，andeachqueenbyherking；thegoldenqueenonayellowsquare，andthesilveredqueenonawhiteone:andoneachsidestoodthearcherstoguidetheirkingsandqueens；bythearcherstheknights，andthewardensbythem。Inthenextrowbefore\'emstoodtheeightnymphs；andbetweenthetwobandsofnymphsfourrowsofsquaresstoodempty。
Eachbandhaditsmusicians，eightoneachside，dressedinitslivery；theonewithorange-coloureddamask，theotherwithwhite；andallplayedondifferentinstrumentsmostmelodiouslyandharmoniously，stillvaryingintimeandmeasureasthefigureofthedancerequired。Thisseemedtomeanadmirablething，consideringthenumerousdiversityofsteps，back-steps，bounds，rebounds，jerks，paces，leaps，skips，turns，coupes，hops，leadings，risings，meetings，flights，ambuscadoes，moves，andremoves。
IwasalsoatalosswhenIstrovetocomprehendhowthedancerscouldsosuddenlyknowwhateverydifferentnotemeant；fortheynosoonerheardthisorthatsoundbuttheyplacedthemselvesintheplacewhichwasdenotedbythemusic，thoughtheirmotionswerealldifferent。Forthenymphsthatstoodinthefirstfile，asiftheydesignedtobeginthefight，marchedstraightforwardstotheirenemiesfromsquaretosquare，unlessitwerethefirststep，atwhichtheywerefreetomoveovertwostepsatonce。Theyaloneneverfallbackwhichisnotverynaturaltoothernymphs，andifanyofthemissoluckyastoadvancetotheoppositeking\'srow，sheisimmediatelycrownedqueenofherking，andafterthatmoveswiththesamestateandinthesamemannerasthequeen；buttillthathappenstheyneverstriketheirenemiesbutforwards，andobliquelyinadiagonalline。However，theymakeitnottheirchiefbusinesstotaketheirfoes；for，iftheydid，theywouldleavetheirqueenexposedtotheadverseparties，whothenmighttakeher。
Thekingsmoveandtaketheirenemiesonallsidessquare-ways，andonlystepfromawhitesquareintoayellowone，andviceversa，exceptattheirfirststeptherankshouldwantotherofficersthanthewardens；forthentheycanset\'emintheirplace，andretirebyhim。
Thequeenstakeagreaterlibertythananyoftherest；fortheymovebackwardsandforwardsallmannerofways，inastraightlineasfarastheyplease，providedtheplacebenotfilledwithoneofherownparty，anddiagonallyalso，keepingtothecolouronwhichshestands。
Thearchersmovebackwardsorforwards，farandnear，neverchangingthecolouronwhichtheystand。Theknightsmoveandtakeinalinealmanner，steppingoveronesquare，thoughafriendorfoestanduponit，postingthemselvesonthesecondsquaretotherightorleft，fromonecolourtoanother，whichisveryunwelcometotheadverseparty，andoughttobecarefullyobserved，fortheytakeatunawares。
Thewardensmoveandtaketotherightorleft，beforeorbehindthem，likethekings，andcanadvanceasfarastheyfindplacesempty；whichlibertythekingstakenot。
Thelawwhichbothsidesobserveis，attheendofthefight，tobesiegeandenclosethekingofeitherparty，sothathemaynotbeabletomove；
andbeingreducedtothatextremity，thebattleisover，andhelosestheday。
Now，toavoidthis，thereisnoneofeithersexofeachpartybutiswillingtosacrificehisorherlife，andtheybegintotakeoneanotheronallsidesintime，assoonasthemusicstrikesup。Whenanyonetakesaprisoner，hemakeshishonours，andstrikinghimgentlyinthehand，putshimoutofthefieldandcombat，andencampswherehestood。
Ifoneofthekingschancetostandwherehemightbetaken，itisnotlawfulforanyofhisadversariesthathaddiscoveredhimtolayholdonhim；farfromit，theyarestrictlyenjoinedhumblytopayhimtheirrespects，andgivehimnotice，saying，Godpreserveyou，sir！thathisofficersmayrelieveandcoverhim，orhemayremove，ifunhappilyhecouldnotberelieved。However，heisnottobetaken，butgreetedwithaGood-
morrow，theothersbendingtheknee；andthusthetournamentusestoend。
Chapter5。XXV。
Howthethirty-twopersonsattheballfought。
Thetwocompanieshavingtakentheirstations，themusicstruckup，andwithamartialsound，whichhadsomethingofhorridinit，likeapointofwar，rousedandalarmedbothparties，whonowbegantoshiver，andthensoonwerewarmedwithwarlikerage；andhavinggotinreadinesstofightdesperately，impatientofdelaystoodwaitingforthecharge。
Thenthemusicofthesilveredbandceasedplaying，andtheinstrumentsofthegoldensidealonewereheard，whichdenotedthatthegoldenpartyattacked。Accordingly，anewmovementwasplayedfortheonset，andwesawthenymphwhostoodbeforethequeenturntothelefttowardsherking，asitweretoaskleavetofight；andthussalutinghercompanyatthesametime，shemovedtwosquaresforwards，andsalutedtheadverseparty。
Nowthemusicofthegoldenbrigadeceasedplaying，andtheirantagonistsbeganagain。Ioughttohavetoldyouthatthenymphwhobeganbysalutinghercompany，hadbythatformalityalsogiventhemtounderstandthattheyweretofallon。Shewassalutedbytheminthesamemanner，withafullturntotheleft，exceptthequeen，whowentasidetowardsherkingtotheright；andthesamemannerofsalutationwasobservedonbothsidesduringthewholeball。
Thesilverednymphthatstoodbeforeherqueenlikewisemovedassoonasthemusicofherpartysoundedacharge；hersalutations，andthoseofherside，weretotheright，andherqueen\'stotheleft。Shemovedinthesecondsquareforwards，andsalutedherantagonists，facingthefirstgoldennymph；sothattherewasnotanydistancebetweenthem，andyouwouldhavethoughttheytwohadbeengoingtofight；buttheyonlystrikesideways。
Theircomrades，whethersilveredorgolden，followed\'eminanintercalaryfigure，andseemedtoskirmishawhile，tillthegoldennymphwhohadfirstenteredthelists，strikingasilverednymphinthehandontheright，putheroutofthefield，andsetherselfinherplace。Butsoonthemusicplayinganewmeasure，shewasstruckbyasilveredarcher，whoafterthatwasobligedhimselftoretire。Asilveredknightthensalliedout，andthegoldenqueenpostedherselfbeforeherking。
Thenthesilveredking，dreadingthegoldenqueen\'sfury，removedtotheright，totheplacewherehiswardenstood，whichseemedtohimstrongandwellguarded。
Thetwoknightsontheleft，whethergoldenorsilvered，marchedup，andoneithersidetookupmanynymphswhocouldnotretreat；principallythegoldenknight，whomadethishiswholebusiness；butthesilveredknighthadgreaterdesigns，dissemblingallalong，andevensometimesnottakinganymphwhenhecouldhavedoneit，stillmovingontillhewascomeuptothemainbodyoftheenemiesinsuchamannerthathesalutedtheirkingwithaGodsaveyou，sir！
Thewholegoldenbrigadequakedforfearandanger，thosewordsgivingnoticeoftheirking\'sdanger；notbutthattheycouldsoonrelievehim，butbecausetheirkingbeingthussalutedtheyweretolosetheirwardenontherightwingwithoutanyhopesofarecovery。Thenthegoldenkingretiredtotheleft，andthesilveredknighttookthegoldenwarden，whichwasamightylosstothatparty。However，theyresolvedtoberevenged，andsurroundedtheknightthathemightnotescape。Hetriedtogetoff，behavinghimselfwithagreatdealofgallantry，andhisfriendsdidwhattheycouldtosavehim；butatlasthefellintothegoldenqueen\'shands，andwascarriedoff。
Herforces，notyetsatisfied，havinglostoneofherbestmen，withmorefurythanconductmovedabout，anddidmuchmischiefamongtheirenemies。
Thesilveredpartywarilydissembled，watchingtheiropportunitytobeevenwiththem，andpresentedoneoftheirnymphstothegoldenqueen，havinglaidanambuscado；sothatthenymphbeingtaken，agoldenarcherhadliketohaveseizedthesilveredqueen。Thenthegoldenknightundertakestotakethesilveredkingandqueen，andsays，Good-morrow！Thenthesilveredarchersalutesthem，andwastakenbyagoldennymph，andsheherselfbyasilveredone。
Thefightwasobstinateandsharp。Thewardenslefttheirposts，andadvancedtorelievetheirfriends。Thebattlewasdoubtful，andvictoryhoveredoverbotharmies。Nowthesilveredhostchargeandbreakthroughtheirenemy\'sranksasfarasthegoldenking\'stent，andnowtheyarebeatenback。Thegoldenqueendistinguishesherselffromtherestbyhermightyachievementsstillmorethanbyhergarbanddignity；foratonceshetakesanarcher，and，goingsideways，seizesasilveredwarden。Whichthingthesilveredqueenperceiving，shecameforwards，and，rushingonwithequalbravery，takesthelastgoldenwardenandsomenymphs。Thetwoqueensfoughtalongwhilehandtohand；nowstrivingtotakeeachotherbysurprise，thentosavethemselves，andsometimestoguardtheirkings。
Finally，thegoldenqueentookthesilveredqueen；butpresentlyaftersheherselfwastakenbythesilveredarcher。
Thenthesilveredkinghadonlythreenymphs，anarcher，andawardenleft，andthegoldenonlythreenymphsandtherightknight，whichmadethemfightmoreslowlyandwarilythanbefore。Thetwokingsseemedtomournforthelossoftheirlovingqueens，andonlystudiedandendeavouredtogetnewonesoutofalltheirnymphstoberaisedtothatdignity，andthusbemarriedtothem。Thismadethemexcitethosebravenymphstostrivetoreachthefarthestrank，wherestoodthekingofthecontraryparty，promisingthemcertainlytohavethemcrownediftheycoulddothis。Thegoldennymphswerebeforehandwiththeothers，andoutoftheirnumberwascreatedaqueen，whowasdressedinroyalrobes，andhadacrownsetonherhead。Youneednotdoubtthesilverednymphsmadealsowhathastetheycouldtobequeens。Oneofthemwaswithinastepofthecoronationplace，buttherethegoldenknightlayreadytointercepther，sothatshecouldgonofurther。
Thenewgoldenqueen，resolvedtoshowherselfvaliantandworthyofheradvancementtothecrown，achievedgreatfeatsofarms。Butinthemeantimethesilveredknighttakesthegoldenwardenwhoguardedthecamp；
andthustherewasanewsilveredqueen，who，liketheother，strovetoexcelinheroicdeedsatthebeginningofherreign。Thusthefightgrewhotterthanbefore。Athousandstratagems，charges，rallyings，retreats，andattacksweretriedonbothsides；tillatlastthesilveredqueen，havingbystealthadvancedasfarasthegoldenking\'stent，cried，Godsaveyou，sir！Nownonebuthisnewqueencouldrelievehim；soshebravelycameandexposedherselftotheutmostextremitytodeliverhimoutofit。Thenthesilveredwardenwithhisqueenreducedthegoldenkingtosuchastressthat，tosavehimself，hewasforcedtolosehisqueen；butthegoldenkingtookhimatlast。However，therestofthegoldenpartyweresoontaken；andthatkingbeingleftalone，thesilveredpartymadehimalowbow，crying，Goodmorrow，sir！whichdenotedthatthesilveredkinghadgottheday。
Thisbeingheard，themusicofbothpartiesloudlyproclaimedthevictory。
Andthusthefirstbattleendedtotheunspeakablejoyofallthespectators。
Afterthisthetwobrigadestooktheirformerstations，andbegantotiltasecondtime，muchastheyhaddonebefore，onlythemusicplayedsomewhatfasterthanatthefirstbattle，andthemotionswerealtogetherdifferent。
Isawthegoldenqueensallyoutoneofthefirst，withanarcherandaknight，asitwereangryattheformerdefeat，andshehadliketohavefallenuponthesilveredkinginhistentamonghisofficers；buthavingbeenbaulkedinherattempt，sheskirmishedbriskly，andoverthrewsomanysilverednymphsandofficersthatitwasamostamazingsight。YouwouldhaveswornshehadbeenanotherPenthesilea；forshebehavedherselfwithasmuchbraveryasthatAmazonianqueendidatTroy。
Butthishavocdidnotlastlong；forthesilveredparty，exasperatedbytheirloss，resolvedtoperishorstopherprogress；andhavingpostedanarcherinambuscadoonadistantangle，togetherwithaknight-errant，herhighnessfellintotheirhandsandwascarriedoutofthefield。Therestweresoonroutedafterthetakingoftheirqueen，who，withoutdoubt，fromthattimeresolvedtobemorewaryandkeepnearherking，withoutventuringsofaramidstherenemiesunlesswithmoreforcetodefendher。
Thusthesilveredbrigadeoncemoregotthevictory。
Thisdidnotdisheartenordejectthegoldenparty；farfromit。Theysoonappearedagaininthefieldtofacetheirenemies；andbeingpostedasbefore，boththearmiesseemedmoreresoluteandcheerfulthanever。Nowthemartialconcertbegan，andthemusicwasaboveahemiolethequicker，accordingtothewarlikePhrygianmode，suchaswasinventedbyMarsyas。
Thenourcombatantsbegantowheelabout，andchargewithsuchaswiftnessthatinaninstanttheymadefourmoves，besidestheusualsalutations。Sothattheywerecontinuallyinaction，flying，hovering，jumping，vaulting，curvetting，withpetauristicalturnsandmotions，andoftenintermingled。
Seeingthemthenturnaboutononefootaftertheyhadmadetheirhonours，wecomparedthemtoyourtopsorgigs，suchasboysusetowhipabout，makingthemturnroundsoswiftlythattheysleep，astheycallit，andmotioncannotbeperceived，butresemblesrest，itscontrary；sothatifyoumakeapointormarkonsomepartofoneofthosegigs，\'twillbeperceivednotasapoint，butacontinualline，inamostdivinemanner，asCusanushaswiselyobserved。
Whiletheywerethuswarmlyengaged，weheardcontinuallytheclapsandepisemapsieswhichthoseofthetwobandsreiteratedatthetakingoftheirenemies；andthis，joinedtothevarietyoftheirmotionsandmusic，wouldhaveforcedsmilesoutofthemostsevereCato，thenever-laughingCrassus，theAthenianman-hater，Timon；nay，evenwhiningHeraclitus，thoughheabhorredlaughing，theactionthatismostpeculiartoman。Forwhocouldhaveforborne？seeingthoseyoungwarriors，withtheirnymphsandqueens，sobrisklyandgracefullyadvance，retire，jump，leap，skip，spring，fly，vault，caper，movetotheright，totheleft，everywaystillintime，soswiftly，andyetsodexterously，thattheynevertouchedoneanotherbutmethodically。
Asthenumberofthecombatantslessened，thepleasureofthespectatorsincreased；forthestratagemsandmotionsoftheremainingforcesweremoresingular。Ishallonlyaddthatthispleasingentertainmentcharmedustosuchadegreethatourmindswereravishedwithadmirationanddelight，andthemartialharmonymovedoursoulssopowerfullythatweeasilybelievedwhatissaidofIsmenias\'shavingexcitedAlexandertorisefromtableandruntohisarms，withsuchawarlikemelody。Atlastthegoldenkingremainedmasterofthefield；andwhileweweremindingthosedances，QueenWhimsvanished，sothatwesawhernomorefromthatdaytothis。
ThenGeber\'smichelotsconductedus，andweweresetdownamongherabstractors，asherqueenshiphadcommanded。AfterthatwereturnedtotheportofMateotechny，andthencestraightaboardourships；forthewindwasfair，andhadwenothoistedoutofhand，wecouldhardlyhavegotoffinthreequartersofamooninthewane。
Chapter5。XXVI。
HowwecametotheislandofOdes，wherethewaysgoupanddown。
Wesailedbeforethewind，betweenapairofcourses，andintwodaysmadetheislandofOdes，atwhichplacewesawaverystrangething。Thewaysthereareanimals；sotrueisAristotle\'ssaying，thatallself-movingthingsareanimals。Nowthewayswalkthere。Ergo，theyarethenanimals。
Someofthemarestrangeunknownways，likethoseoftheplanets；othersarehighways，crossways，andbyways。Iperceivedthatthetravellersandinhabitantsofthatcountryasked，Whitherdoesthiswaygo？Whitherdoesthatwaygo？Someanswered，BetweenMidyandFevrolles，totheparishchurch，tothecity，totheriver，andsoforth。Beingthusintheirrightway，theyusedtoreachtheirjourney\'sendwithoutanyfurthertrouble，justlikethosewhogobywaterfromLyonstoAvignonorArles。
Now，asyouknowthatnothingisperfectherebelow，weheardtherewasasortofpeoplewhomtheycalledhighwaymen，waybeaters，andmakersofinroadsinroads；andthatthepoorwaysweresadlyafraidofthem，andshunnedthemasyoudorobbers。Fortheseusedtowaylaythem，aspeoplelaytrainsforwolves，andsetginsforwoodcocks。Isawonewhowastakenupwithalordchiefjustice\'swarrantforhavingunjustly，andinspiteofPallas，takentheschoolway，whichisthelongest。Anotherboastedthathehadfairlytakenhisshortest，andthatdoingsohefirstcompassedhisdesign。Thus，Carpalin，meetingonceEpistemonlookinguponawallwithhisfiddle-diddle，orliveurinal，inhishand，tomakealittlemaid\'swater，criedthathedidnotwondernowhowtheothercametobestillthefirstatPantagruel\'slevee，sinceheheldhisshortestandleastused。
IfoundBourgeshighwayamongthese。Itwentwiththedeliberationofanabbot，butwasmadetoscamperattheapproachofsomewaggoners，whothreatenedtohaveittrampledundertheirhorses\'feet，andmaketheirwaggonsrunoverit，asTullia\'schariotdidoverherfather\'sbody。
IalsoespiedtheretheoldwaybetweenPeronneandSt。Quentin，whichseemedtomeaverygood，honest，plainway，assmoothasacarpet，andasgoodaseverwastroduponbyshoeofleather。
AmongtherocksIknewagainthegoodoldwaytoLaFerrare，mountedonahugebear。ThisatadistancewouldhaveputmeinmindofSt。Jerome\'spicture，hadbutthebearbeenalion；forthepoorwaywasallmortified，andworealonghoarybearduncombedandentangled，whichlookedlikethepictureofwinter，oratleastlikeawhite-frostedbush。
Onthatwaywerestoreofbeadsorrosaries，coarselymadeofwildpine-
tree；anditseemedkneeling，notstanding，norlyingflat；butitssidesandmiddlewerebeatenwithhugestones，insomuchthatitprovedtousatonceanobjectoffearandpity。
Whilewewereexaminingit，arunner，bacheloroftheplace，tookusaside，andshowingusawhitesmoothway，somewhatfilledwithstraw，said，Henceforth，gentlemen，donotrejecttheopinionofThalestheMilesian，whosaidthatwateristhebeginningofallthings，northatofHomer，whotellsusthatallthingsderivetheiroriginalfromtheocean；forthissamewaywhichyouseeherehaditsbeginningfromwater，andistoreturnwhenceshecamebeforetwomonthscometoanend；nowcartsaredrivenherewhereboatsusedtorowed。
Truly，saidPantagruel，youtellusnonews；weseefivehundredsuchchanges，andmore，everyyear，inourworld。Thenreflectingonthedifferentmannerofgoingofthosemovingways，hetoldushebelievedthatPhilolausandAristarchushadphilosophizedinthisisland，andthatSeleucusMotteuxreads——\'thatsome，indeed，wereofopinion。\'，indeed，wasofopiniontheearthturnsroundaboutitspoles，andnottheheavens，whateverwemaythinktothecontrary；as，whenweareontheriverLoire，wethinkthetreesandtheshoremoves，thoughthisisonlyaneffectofourboat\'smotion。
Aswewentbacktoourships，wesawthreewaylayers，who，havingbeentakeninambuscado，weregoingtobebrokenonthewheel；andahugefornicatorwasburnedwithalingeringfireforbeatingawayandbreakingoneofitssides；weweretolditwasthewayofthebanksoftheNileinEgypt。
Chapter5。XXVII。
HowwecametotheislandofSandals；andoftheorderofSemiquaverFriars。
ThencewewenttotheislandofSandals，whoseinhabitantsliveonnothingbutling-broth。However，wewereverykindlyreceivedandentertainedbyBeniustheThird，kingoftheisland，who，afterhehadmadeusdrink，tookuswithhimtoshowusaspick-and-spannewmonasterywhichhehadcontrivedfortheSemiquaverFriars；sohecalledthereligiousmenwhomhehadthere。Forhesaidthatont\'othersidethewaterlivedfriarswhostyledthemselveshersweetladyship\'smosthumbleservants。Item，thegoodlyFriar-minors，whoaresemibrevesofbulls；thesmoked-herringtribeofMinimFriars；thentheCrotchetFriars。SothatthesediminutivescouldbenomorethanSemiquavers。Bythestatutes，bulls，andpatentsofQueenWhims，theywerealldressedlikesomanyhouse-burners，exceptthat，asinAnjouyourbricklayersusetoquilttheirkneeswhentheytilehouses，sotheseholyfriarshadusuallyquiltedbellies，andthickquiltedpauncheswereamongtheminmuchrepute。Theircodpieceswerecutslipper-fashion，andeverymonkamongthemworetwo——onesewedbeforeandanotherbehind——
reportingthatsomecertaindreadfulmysteriesweredulyrepresentedbythisduplicityofcodpieces。
Theyworeshoesasroundasbasins，inimitationofthosewhoinhabitthesandysea。Theirchinswereclose-shaved，andtheirfeetiron-shod；andtoshowtheydidnotvaluefortune，Beniusmadethemshaveandpollthehindpartoftheirpollsasbareasabird\'sarse，fromthecrowntotheshoulder-blades；buttheyhadleavetolettheirhairgrowbefore，fromthetwotriangularbonesintheupperpartoftheskull。
Thusdidtheynotvaluefortuneabutton，andcarednomoreforthegoodsofthisworldthanyouorIdoforhanging。Andtoshowhowmuchtheydefiedthatblindjilt，allofthemwore，notintheirhandslikeher，butattheirwaist，insteadofbeads，sharprazors，whichtheyusedtonew-
grindtwiceadayandsetthriceanight。
Eachofthemhadaroundballontheirfeet，becauseFortuneissaidtohaveoneunderhers。
Theflapoftheircowlshangedforward，andnotbackwards，likethoseofothers。Thusnonecouldseetheirnoses，andtheylaughedwithoutfearbothatfortuneandthefortunate；neithermorenorlessthanourladieslaughatbarefacedtrullswhentheyhavethosemufflersonwhichtheycallmasks，andwhichwereformerlymuchmoreproperlycalledcharity，becausetheycoveramultitudeofsins。
Thehindpartoftheirfaceswerealwaysuncovered，asareourfaces，whichmadethemeithergowiththeirbellyorthearseforemost，whichtheypleased。Whentheirhindfacewentforwards，youwouldhaveswornthishadbeentheirnaturalgait，aswellonaccountoftheirroundshoesasofthedoublecodpiece，andtheirfacebehind，whichwasasbareasthebackofmyhand，andcoarselydaubedoverwithtwoeyesandamouth，suchasyouseeonsomeIndiannuts。Now，iftheyofferedtowaddlealongwiththeirbelliesforwards，youwouldhavethoughttheywerethenplayingatblindman\'sbuff。MayIneverbehangedif\'twasnotacomicalsight。
Theirwayoflivingwasthus:aboutowl-lighttheycharitablybegantobootandspuroneanother。Thisbeingdone，theleastthingtheydidwastosleepandsnore；andthussleeping，theyhadbarnaclesonthehandlesoftheirfaces，orspectaclesatmost。
Youmayswearwedidnotalittlewonderatthisoddfancy；buttheysatisfieduspresently，tellingusthatthedayofjudgmentistotakemankindnapping；therefore，toshowtheydidnotrefusetomaketheirpersonalappearanceasfortune\'sdarlingsusetodo，theywerealwaysthusbootedandspurred，readytomountwheneverthetrumpetshouldsound。
Atnoon，assoonastheclockstruck，theyusedtoawake。Youmustknowthattheirclock-bell，church-bells，andrefectory-bellswereallmadeaccordingtothepontialdevice，thatis，quiltedwiththefinestdown，andtheirclappersoffox-tails。
Havingthenmadeshifttogetupatnoon，theypulledofftheirboots，andthosethatwantedtospeakwithamaid，aliaspiss，pissed；thosethatwantedtoscumber，scumbered；andthosethatwantedtosneeze，sneezed。
Butall，whethertheywouldornopoorgentlemen！，wereobligedlargelyandplentifullytoyawn；andthiswastheirfirstbreakfastOrigorousstatute！。Methought\'twasverycomicaltoobservetheirtransactions；
for，havinglaidtheirbootsandspursonarack，theywentintothecloisters。Theretheycuriouslywashedtheirhandsandmouths；thensatthemdownonalongbench，andpickedtheirteethtilltheprovostgavethesignal，whistlingthroughhisfingers；theneveryhestretchedouthisjawsasmuchashecould，andtheygapedandyawnedforabouthalf-an-hour，sometimesmore，sometimesless，accordingasthepriorjudgedthebreakfasttobesuitabletotheday。
Afterthattheywentinprocession，twobannersbeingcarriedbeforethem，inoneofwhichwasthepictureofVirtue，andthatofFortuneintheother。Thelastwentbefore，carriedbyasemi-quaveringfriar，atwhoseheelswasanother，withtheshadoworimageofVirtueinonehandandanholy-watersprinkleintheother——ImeanofthatholymercurialwaterwhichOviddescribesinhisFasti。AndastheprecedingSemiquaverrangahandbell，thisshakedthesprinklewithhisfist。WiththatsaysPantagruel，ThisordercontradictstherulewhichTullyandtheacademicsprescribed，thatVirtueoughttogobefore，andFortunefollow。Buttheytoldustheydidastheyought，seeingtheirdesignwastobreech，lash，andbethwackFortune。
DuringtheprocessionstheytrilledandquaveredmostmelodiouslybetwixttheirteethIdonotknowwhatantiphones，orchantings，byturns。Formypart，\'twasallHebrew-Greektome，thedevilawordIcouldpickouton\'t；
atlast，prickingupmyears，andintenselylistening，Iperceivedtheyonlysangwiththetipoftheirs。Oh，whatarareharmonyitwas！Howwell\'twastunedtothesoundoftheirbells！You\'llneverfindthesetojar，thatyouwon\'t。Pantagruelmadeanotableobservationupontheprocessions；forsayshe，HaveyouseenandobservedthepolicyoftheseSemiquavers？Tomakeanendoftheirprocessiontheywentoutatoneoftheirchurchdoorsandcameinattheother；theytookadealofcarenottocomeinattheplacewhereattheywentout。Onmyhonour，theseareasubtlesortofpeople，quothPanurge；theyhaveasmuchwitasthreefolks，twofoolsandamadman；theyareaswiseasthecalfthatranninemilestosuckabull，andwhenhecamethere\'twasasteer。Thissubtletyandwisdomoftheirs，criedFriarJohn，isborrowedfromtheoccultphilosophy。
MayIbeguttedlikeanoysterifIcantellwhattomakeon\'t。Thenthemore\'tistobefeared，saidPantagruel；forsubtletysuspected，subtletyforeseen，subtletyfoundout，losestheessenceandverynameofsubtlety，andonlygainsthatofblockishness。Theyarenotsuchfoolsasyoutakethemtobe；theyhavemoretricksthanaregood，Idoubt。
Aftertheprocessiontheywentslugginglyintothefratery-room，bythewayofwalkandhealthfulexercise，andtherekneeledunderthetables，leaningtheirbreastsonlanterns。Whiletheywereinthatposture，incameahugeSandal，withapitchforkinhishand，whousedtobaste，rib-roast，swaddle，andswingethemwell-favouredly，astheysaid，andintruthtreatedthemafterafashion。Theybegantheirmealasyouendyours，withcheese，andendeditwithmustardandlettuce，asMartialtellsustheancientsdid。Afterwardsaplatterfulofmustardwasbroughtbeforeeveryoneofthem，andthustheymadegoodtheproverb，Aftermeatcomesmustard。
Theirdietwasthis:
O\'Sundaystheystuffedtheirpuddingswithpuddings，chitterlings，links，Bolognasausages，forced-meats，liverings，hogs\'haslets，youngquails，andteals。Youmustalsoalwaysaddcheeseforthefirstcourse，andmustardforthelast。
O\'Mondaystheywerecrammedwithpeasandpork，cumcommento，andinterlinearyglosses。
O\'Tuesdaystheyusedtotwiststoreofholy-bread，cakes，buns，puffs，lentenloaves，jumbles，andbiscuits。
O\'Wednesdaysmygentlemenhadfinesheep\'sheads，calves\'heads，andbrocks\'heads，ofwhichthere\'snowantinthatcountry。
O\'Thursdaystheyguzzleddownsevensortsofporridge，notforgettingmustard。
O\'Fridaystheymunchednothingbutservicesorsorb-apples；neitherwerethesefullripe，asIguessedbytheircomplexion。
O\'Saturdaystheygnawedbones；notthattheywerepoororneedy，foreverymother\'ssonofthemhadaverygoodfatbelly-benefice。
Asfortheirdrink，\'twasanantifortunal；thustheycalledIdon\'tknowwhatsortofaliquoroftheplace。
Whentheywantedtoeatordrink，theyturneddowntheback-pointsorflapsoftheircowlsforwardsbelowtheirchins，andthatserved\'eminsteadofgorgetsorslabbering-bibs。
Whentheyhadwelldined，theyprayedrarelyallinquaversandshakes；andtherestoftheday，expectingthedayofjudgment，theyweretakenupwithactsofcharity，andparticularly——
O\'Sundays，rubbersatcuffs。
O\'Mondays，lendingeachotherflirtsandfillipsonthenose。
O\'Tuesdays，clapperclawingoneanother。
O\'Wednesdays，snitingandfly-flapping。
O\'Thursdays，wormingandpumping。
O\'Fridays，tickling。
O\'Saturdays，jerkingandfirkingoneanother。
Suchwastheirdietwhentheyresidedintheconvent，andifthepriorofthemonk-housesentanyofthemabroad，thentheywerestrictlyenjoinedneithertotouchnoreatanymanneroffishaslongastheywereonseaorrivers，andtoabstainfromallmanneroffleshwhenevertheywereatland，thateveryonemightbeconvincedthat，whiletheyenjoyedtheobject，theydeniedthemselvesthepower，andeventhedesire，andwerenomoremovedwithitthantheMarpesianrock。
Allthiswasdonewithproperantiphones，stillsungandchantedbyear，aswehavealreadyobserved。
Whenthesunwenttobed，theyfairlybootedandspurredeachotherasbefore，andhavingclappedontheirbarnaclese\'enjoggedtobedtoo。AtmidnighttheSandalcametothem，anduptheygot，andhavingwellwhettedandsettheirrazors，andbeena-processioning，theyclappedthetablesoverthemselves，andlikewire-drawersundertheirworkfelltoitasaforesaid。
FriarJohndesEntoumeures，havingshrewdlyobservedthesejollySemiquaverFriars，andhadafullaccountoftheirstatutes，lostallpatience，andcriedoutaloud:Bouncetail，andGodha\'mercyguts；ifeveryfoolshouldwearabauble，fuelwouldbedear。Aplaguerotit，wemustknowhowmanyfartsgotoanounce。WouldPriapuswerehere，asheusedtobeatthenocturnalfestivalsinCrete，thatImightseehimplaybackwards，andwriggleandshaketothepurpose。Ay，ay，thisistheworld，andt\'otheristhecountry；mayIneverpissifthisbenotanantichthonianland，andourveryantipodes。InGermanytheypulldownmonasteriesandunfrockifythemonks；heretheygoquitekam，andactcleancontrarytoothers，settingnewonesup，againstthehair。
Chapter5。XXVIII。
HowPanurgeaskedaSemiquaverFriarmanyquestions，andwasonlyansweredinmonosyllables。
Panurge，whohadsincebeenwhollytakenupwithstaringattheseroyalSemiquavers，atlastpulledoneofthembythesleeve，whowasasleanasarake，andaskedhim，——
Hearkeeme，FriarQuaver，Semiquaver，Demisemiquaveringquaver，whereisthepunk？
TheFriar，pointingdownwards，answered，There。
Pan。Pray，haveyoumany？Fri。Few。
Pan。Howmanyscoreshaveyou？Fri。One。
Pan。Howmanywouldyouhave？Fri。Five。
Pan。Wheredoyouhide\'em？Fri。Here。
Pan。Isupposetheyarenotallofoneage；but，pray，howistheirshape？
Fri。Straight。
Pan。Theircomplexion？Fri。Clear。
Pan。Theirhair？Fri。Fair。
Pan。Theireyes？Fri。Black。
Pan。Theirfeatures？Fri。Good。
Pan。Theirbrows？Fri。Small。
Pan。Theirgraces？Fri。Ripe。
Pan。Theirlooks？Fri。Free。
Pan。Theirfeet？Fri。Flat。
Pan。Theirheels？Fri。Short。
Pan。Theirlowerparts？Fri。Rare。
Pan。Andtheirarms？Fri。Long。
Pan。Whatdotheywearontheirhands？Fri。Gloves。
Pan。Whatsortofringsontheirfingers？Fri。Gold。
Pan。Whatriggingdoyoukeep\'emin？Fri。Cloth。
Pan。Whatsortofclothisit？Fri。New。
Pan。Whatcolour？Fri。Sky。
Pan。Whatkindofclothisit？Fri。Fine。
Pan。Whatcapsdotheywear？Fri。Blue。
Pan。What\'sthecolouroftheirstockings？Fri。Red。
Pan。Whatweartheyontheirfeet？Fri。Pumps。
Pan。Howdotheyusetobe？Fri。Foul。
Pan。Howdotheyusetowalk？Fri。Fast。
Pan。Nowletustalkofthekitchen，Imeanthatoftheharlots，andwithoutgoinghandoverheadlet\'salittleexaminethingsbyparticulars。
Whatisintheirkitchens？Fri。Fire。
Pan。Whatfuelfeedsit？Fri。Wood。
Pan。Whatsortofwoodis\'t？Fri。Dry。
Pan。Andofwhatkindoftrees？Fri。Yews。
Pan。Whatarethefaggotsandbrushesof？Fri。Holm。
Pan。Whatwoodd\'yeburninyourchambers？Fri。Pine。
Pan。Andofwhatothertrees？Fri。Lime。
Pan。Hearkeeme；asforthebuttocks，I\'llgoyourhalves。Pray，howdoyoufeed\'em？Fri。Well。
Pan。First，whatdotheyeat？Fri。Bread。
Pan。Ofwhatcomplexion？Fri。White。
Pan。Andwhatelse？Fri。Meat。
Pan。Howdotheyloveitdressed？Fri。Roast。
Pan。Whatsortofporridge？Fri。None。
Pan。Aretheyforpiesandtarts？Fri。Much。
Pan。ThenI\'mtheirman。Willfishgodownwiththem？Fri。Well。
Pan。Andwhatelse？Fri。Eggs。
Pan。Howdotheylike\'em？Fri。Boiled。
Pan。Howmusttheybedone？Fri。Hard。
Pan。Isthisalltheyhave？Fri。No。
Pan。Whathavetheybesides，then？Fri。Beef。
Pan。Andwhatelse？Fri。Pork。
Pan。Andwhatmore？Fri。Geese。
Pan。Whatthen？Fri。Ducks。
Pan。Andwhatbesides？Fri。Cocks。
Pan。Whatdotheyseasontheirmeatwith？Fri。Salt。
Pan。Whatsaucearetheymostdaintyfor？Fri。Must。
Pan。What\'stheirlastcourse？Fri。Rice。
Pan。Andwhatelse？Fri。Milk。
Pan。Whatbesides？Fri。Peas。
Pan。Whatsort？Fri。Green。
Pan。Whatdotheyboilwith\'em？Fri。Pork。
Pan。Whatfruitdotheyeat？Fri。Good。
Pan。How？Fri。Raw。
Pan。Whatdotheyendwith？Fri。Nuts。
Pan。Howdotheydrink？Fri。Neat。
Pan。Whatliquor？Fri。Wine。
Pan。Whatsort？Fri。White。
Pan。Inwinter？Fri。Strong。
Pan。Inthespring。Fri。Brisk。
Pan。Insummer？Fri。Cool。
Pan。Inautumn？Fri。New。
Buttockofamonk！criedFriarJohn；howplumptheseplaguytrulls，thesearchSemiquaveringstrumpets，mustbe！Thatdamnedcattlearesohighfedthattheymustneedsbehigh-mettled，andreadytowinceandgivetwoupsforonego-downwhenanyoneofferstoridethembelowthecrupper。
Prithee，FriarJohn，quothPanurge，holdthypratingtongue；staytillI
havedone。
Tillwhattimedothedoxiessitup？Fri。Night。
Pan。Whendotheygetup？Fri。Late。
Pan。MayIrideonahorsethatwasfoaledofanacorn，ifthisbenotashonestacodaseverthegroundwentupon，andasgraveasanoldgate-postintothebargain。WouldtotheblessedSt。Semiquaver，andtheblessedworthyvirginSt。Semiquavera，hewerelordchiefpresidentjusticeofParis！Ods-bodikins，howhe\'ddespatch！Withwhatexpeditionwouldhebringdisputestoanupshot！Whatanabbreviatorandclaweroffoflawsuits，reconcilerofdifferences，examinerandfumblerofbags，peruserofbills，scribblerofroughdrafts，andengrosserofdeedswouldhenotmake！Well，friar，spareyourbreathtocoolyourporridge。Come，let\'snowtalkwithdeliberation，fairlyandsoftly，aslawyersgotoheaven。
Let\'sknowhowyouvictualthevenerealcamp。Howisthesnatchblatch？
Fri。Rough。
Pan。Howisthegateway？Fri。Free。
Pan。Andhowisitwithin？Fri。Deep。
Pan。Imean，whatweatherisitthere？Fri。Hot。
Pan。Whatshadowsthebrooks？Fri。Groves。
Pan。Ofwhat\'sthecolourofthetwigs？Fri。Red。
Pan。Andthatoftheold？Fri。Grey。
Pan。Howareyouwhenyoushake？Fri。Brisk。
Pan。Howistheirmotion？Fri。Quick。
Pan。Wouldyouhavethemvaultorwrigglemore？Fri。Less。
Pan。Whatkindoftoolsareyours？Fri。Big。
Pan。Andintheirhelves？Fri。Round。
Pan。Ofwhatcolouristhetip？Fri。Red。
Pan。Whenthey\'veevenused，howarethey？Fri。Shrunk。
Pan。Howmuchweighseachbagoftools？Fri。Pounds。
Pan。Howhangyourpouches？Fri。Tight。
Pan。Howaretheywhenyou\'vedone？Fri。Lank。
Pan。Now，bytheoathyouhavetaken，tellme，whenyouhaveamindtocohabit，howyouthrow\'em？Fri。Down。
Pan。Andwhatdotheysaythen？Fri。Fie。
Pan。However，likemaids，theysaynay，andtakeit；andspeaktheless，butthinkthemore，mindingtheworkinhand；dotheynot？Fri。True。
Pan。Dotheygetyoubairns？Fri。None。
Pan。Howdoyoupigtogether？Fri。Bare。
Pan。Rememberyou\'reuponyouroath，andtellmejustlyandbonafidehowmanytimesadayyoumonkit？Fri。Six。
Pan。Howmanyboutsa-nights？Fri。Ten。
Catso，quothFriarJohn，thepoorfornicatingbrotherisbashful，andsticksatsixteen，asifthatwerehisstint。Right，quothPanurge，butcouldstthoukeeppacewithhim，FriarJohn，mydaintycod？Maythedevil\'sdamsuckmyteatifhedoesnotlookasifhehadgotablowoverthenosewithaNaplescowl-staff。
Pan。Pray，FriarShakewell，doesyourwholefraternityquaverandshakeatthatrate？Fri。All。
Pan。Whoofthemisthebestcocko\'thegame？Fri。I。
Pan。Doyounevercommitdry-bobsorflashesinthepan？Fri。None。
Pan。Iblushlikeanyblackdog，andcouldbeastestyasanoldcookwhenIthinkonallthis；itpassesmyunderstanding。But，pray，whenyouhavebeenpumpeddryoneday，whathaveyougotthenext？Fri。More。
Pan。ByPriapus，theyhavetheIndianherbofwhichTheophrastusspoke，orI\'mmuchout。But，hearkeeme，thoumanofbrevity，shouldsomeimpediment，honestlyorotherwise，impairyourtalentsandcauseyourbenevolencetolessen，howwoulditfarewithyou，then？Fri。Ill。
Pan。Whatwouldthewenchesdo？Fri。Rail。
Pan。Whatifyouskipped，andlet\'emfastawholeday？Fri。Worse。
Pan。Whatdoyougive\'emthen？Fri。Thwacks。
Pan。Whatdotheysaytothis？Fri。Bawl。
Pan。Andwhatelse？Fri。Curse。
Pan。Howdoyoucorrect\'em？Fri。Hard。
Pan。Whatdoyougetoutof\'emthen？Fri。Blood。
Pan。How\'stheircomplexionthen？Fri。Odd。
Pan。Whatdotheymenditwith？Fri。Paint。
Pan。Thenwhatdotheydo？Fri。Fawn。
Pan。Bytheoathyouhavetaken，tellmetrulywhattimeoftheyeardoyoudoitleastin？Fri。NowAugust。。
Pan。Whatseasondoyoudoitbestin？Fri。March。
Pan。Howisyourperformancetheresttheyear？Fri。Brisk。
ThenquothPanurge，sneering，Ofall，andofall，commendmetoBall；thisisthefriaroftheworldformymoney。You\'veheardhowshort，concise，andcompendiousheisinhisanswers。Nothingistobegotoutofhimbutmonosyllables。Byjingo，Ibelievehewouldmakethreebitesofacherry。
Damnhim，criedFriarJohn，that\'sastrueasIamhisuncle。Thedogyelpsatanothergate\'sratewhenheisamonghisbitches；thereheispolysyllableenough，mylifeforyours。Youtalkofmakingthreebitesofacherry！Godsendfoolsmorewitandusmoremoney！MayIbedoomedtofastawholedayifIdon\'tverilybelievehewouldnotmakeabovetwobitesofashoulderofmuttonandoneswoopofawholepottleofwine。
Zoons，dobutseehowdowno\'themouththecurlooks！He\'snothingbutskinandbones；hehaspissedhistallow。
Truly，truly，quothEpistemon，thisrascallymonasticalverminallovertheworldmindnothingbuttheirgut，andareasravenousasanykites，andthen，forsooth，theytellusthey\'venothingbutfoodandraimentinthisworld。\'Sdeath，whatmorehavekingsandprinces？
Chapter5。XXIX。
HowEpistemondislikedtheinstitutionofLent。
Praydidyouobserve，continuedEpistemon，howthisdamnedill-favouredSemiquavermentionedMarchasthebestmonthforcaterwauling？True，saidPantagruel；yetLentandMarchalwaysgotogether，andthefirstwasinstitutedtomacerateandbringdownourpamperedflesh，toweakenandsubdueitslusts，tocurbandassuagethevenerealrage。
Bythis，saidEpistemon，youmayguesswhatkindofapopeitwaswhofirstenjoinedittobekept，sincethisfilthywooden-shoedSemiquaverownsthathisspoonisneveroftenernordeeperintheporringeroflecherythaninLent。Addtothistheevidentreasonsgivenbyallgoodandlearnedphysicians，affirmingthatthroughoutthewholeyearnofoodiseatenthatcanpromptmankindtolasciviousactsmorethanatthattime。
As，forexample，beans，peas，phasels，orlong-peason，ciches，onions，nuts，oysters，herrings，salt-meats，garumakindofanchovy，andsaladswhollymadeupofvenereousherbsandfruits，as——
Rocket，Parsley，Hop-buds，Nose-smart，Rampions，Figs，Taragon，Poppy，Rice，Cresses，Celery，Raisins，andothers。
Itwouldnotalittlesurpriseyou，saidPantagruel，shouldamantellyouthatthegoodpopewhofirstorderedthekeepingofLent，perceivingthatatthattimeo\'yearthenaturalheatfromthecentreofthebody，whitheritwasretiredduringthewinter\'scolddiffusesitself，asthesapdoesintrees，throughthecircumferenceofthemembers，didthereforeinamannerprescribethatsortofdiettoforwardthepropagationofmankind。
Whatmakesmethinkso，isthatbytheregistersofchristeningsatTouarsitappearsthatmorechildrenareborninOctoberandNovemberthanintheothertenmonthsoftheyear，andreckoningbackwards\'twillbeeasilyfoundthattheywereallmade，conceived，andbegotteninLent。
Ilistentoyouwithbothmyears，quothFriarJohn，andthatwithnosmallpleasure，I\'llassureyou。ButImusttellyouthatthevicarofJambertascribedthiscopiousprolificationofthewomen，nottothatsortoffoodthatwechieflyeatinLent，buttothelittlelicensedstoopingmumpers，yourlittlebootedLent-preachers，yourlittledraggle-tailedfatherconfessors，whoduringallthattimeoftheirreigndamnallhusbandsthatrunastraythreefathomandahalfbelowtheverylowestpitofhell。Sothesillycod\'s-headedbrothersofthenoosedarenotthenstumbleanymoreatthetruckle-bed，tothenosmalldiscomfortoftheirmaids，andareevenforced，poorsouls，totakeupwiththeirownbodilywives。Dixi；Ihavedone。
YoumaydescantontheinstitutionofLentasmuchasyouplease，criedEpistemon；somanymensomanyminds；butcertainlyallthephysicianswillbeagainstitsbeingsuppressed，thoughIthinkthattimeisathand。I
knowtheywill，andhaveheard\'emsaywereitnotforLenttheirartwouldsoonfallintocontempt，andthey\'dgetnothing，forhardlyanybodywouldbesick。
Alldistempersaresowedinlent；\'tisthetrueseminaryandnativebedofalldiseases；nordoesitonlyweakenandputrefybodies，butitalsomakessoulsmadanduneasy。Forthenthedevilsdotheirbest，anddriveasubtletrade，andthetribeofcantingdissemblerscomeoutoftheirholes。
\'Tisthenterm-timewithyourcucullatedpiecesofformalitythathaveonefacetoGodandanothertothedevil；andawretchedcluttertheymakewiththeirsessions，stations，pardons，syntereses，confessions，whippings，anathematizations，andmuchprayerwithaslittledevotion。However，I\'llnotoffertoinferfromthisthattheArimaspiansarebetterthanweareinthatpoint；yetIspeaktothepurpose。
Well，quothPanurgetotheSemiquaverfriar，whohappenedtobeby，dearbumbasting，shaking，trilling，quaveringcod，whatthinkestthouofthisfellow？Ishearankheretic？Fri。Much。
Pan。Oughthenottobesinged？Fri。Well。
Pan。Assoonasmaybe？Fri。Right。
Pan。Shouldnothebescaldedfirst？Fri。No。
Pan。Howthen，shouldheberoasted？Fri。Quick。
Pan。Tillatlasthebe？Fri。Dead。
Pan。Whathashemadeyou？Fri。Mad。
Pan。Whatd\'yetakehimtobe？Fri。Damned。
Pan。Whatplaceishetogoto？Fri。Hell。
Pan。But，first，howwouldyouhave\'emservedhere？Fri。Burnt。
Pan。Somehavebeenservedso？Fri。Store。
Pan。Thatwereheretics？Fri。Less。
Pan。Andthenumberofthosethataretobewarmedthushereafteris？
Fri。Great。
Pan。Howmanyof\'emdoyouintendtosave？Fri。None。
Pan。Soyou\'dhavethemburned？Fri。All。
Iwonder，saidEpistemontoPanurge，whatpleasureyoucanfindintalkingthuswiththislousytatterdemalionofamonk。Ivow，didInotknowyouwell，Imightbereadytothinkyouhadnomorewitinyourheadthanhehasinbothhisshoulders。Come，come，scatternowords，returnedPanurge；
everyoneastheylike，asthewomansaidwhenshekissedhercow。IwishI
mightcarryhimtoGargantua；whenI\'mmarriedhemightbemywife\'sfool。
Andmakeyouone，criedEpistemon。Wellsaid，quothFriarJohn。Now，poorPanurge，takethatalongwiththee，thou\'rte\'enfitted；\'tisaplaincasethou\'ltneverescapewearingthebull\'sfeather；thywifewillbeascommonasthehighway，that\'scertain。