1
Andthenwebrokedown。WebrokeourfaithwithbothMargaretandShoesmith，flungcareeranddutyoutofourlives，andwentawaytogether。
Itisonlynow，almostayearaftertheseevents，thatIcanbegintoseewhathappenedtome。AtthetimeitseemedtomeIwasarational，responsiblecreature，butindeedIhadnotpartedfromhertwodaysbeforeIbecameamonomaniactowhomnothingcouldmatterbutIsabel。Everytruthhadtobesquaredtothatobsession，everyduty。ItastoundsmetothinkhowIforgotMargaret，forgotmywork，forgoteverythingbutthatwetwowereparted。Istillbelievethatwithbetterchanceswemighthaveescapedtheconsequencesoftheemotionalstormthatpresentlyseizedusboth。
Butwehadnoforesightofthat，andnopreparationforit，andourcircumstancesbetrayedus。ItwaspartlyShoesmith\'sunwisdomindelayinghismarriageuntilaftertheendofthesession——partlymyownamazingfollyinreturningwithinfourdaystoWestminster。Butwewereallofusintentuponthedefeatofscandalandthecompleterestorationofappearances。ItseemednecessarythatShoesmith\'smarriageshouldnotseemtobehurried，stillmorenecessarythatI
shouldnotvanishinexplicably。IhadtobevisiblewithMargaretinLondonjustasmuchaspossible；wewenttorestaurants，wevisitedthetheatre；wecouldevencontemplatethepossibilityofmypresenceatthewedding。Forthat，however，wehadschemedaweekendvisittoWales，andafictitioussprainedankleatthelastmomentwhichwouldjustifymyabsence……
IcannotconveytoyoutheintolerablewretchednessandrebellionofmyseparationfromIsabel。ItseemedthatinthepasttwoyearsallmythoughtshadspuncommisurestoIsabel\'sbrainandIcouldthinkofnothingthatdidnotleadmesurelytotheneedoftheoneintimateIhadfoundintheworld。IcamebacktotheHouseandtheofficeandmyhome，Ifilledallmydayswithappointmentsandduty，anditdidnotsavemeintheleastfromalonelyemptinesssuchasIhadneverfeltbeforeinallmylife。Ihadlittlesleep。InthedaytimeIdidahundredthings，IevenspokeintheHouseontwooccasions，andbymyownlowstandardsspokewell，anditseemedtomethatIwasgoingaboutinmyownbrainlikeahushedsurvivorinahousewhoseownerliesdeadupstairs。
IcametoacrisisafterthatwilddinnerofTarvrille\'s。Somethinginthatstrippedmysoulbare。
Itwasanoccasionmadeabsurdandstrangebytheoddaccidentthatthehousecaughtfireupstairswhilewewerediningbelow。Itwasamen\'sdinner——\"Adinnerofallsorts，\"saidTarvrille，whenheinvitedme；\"everythingfromEveshamandGanetoWilkinstheauthor，andHeavenknowswhatwillhappen！\"IrememberthatafterwardsTarvrillewasaccusedofhavingplannedthefiretomakehisdinneramarvelandamemory。Itwasindeedawonderfuloccasion，andI
supposeifIhadnotbeenaltogetherdrenchedinmisery，Ishouldhavefoundthesamewildamusementinitthatglowedinalltheothers。Therewereoneortwouniversitydons，LordGeorgeFester，theracingman，Panmure，theartist，twoorthreebigCitymen，WestonMassinghayandanotherprominentLiberalwhosenameIcan\'tremember，thethreemenTarvrillehadpromisedandEsmeer，LordWrassleton，Waulsort，thememberforMonckton，Nealandseveralothers。Webeganalittlecoldly，withduologues，buttheconversationwasalreadybecominggeneral——sofarassuchalongtablepermitted——whenthefireasserteditself。
Itasserteditselffirstasapenetratingandemphaticsmellofburningrubber，——itwascausedbythefusingofanelectricwire。
ThereekforceditswayintothediscussionofthePekinmassacresthathadsprungupbetweenEvesham，Waulsort，andtheothersattheendofthetable。\"Somethingburning，\"saidthemannexttome。
\"Somethingmustbeburning，\"saidPanmure。
Tarvrillehatedundignifiedinterruptions。Hehadaparticularlyimperturbablebutlerwithacadaveroussadfaceandaneyeofrigiddisapproval。Hespoketothisindividualoverhisshoulder。\"Justsee，willyou，\"hesaid，andcaughtupthepauseinthetalktohisleft。
Wilkinswasaskingquestions，andI，too，wascurious。ThestoryofthesiegeoftheLegationsinChinaintheyear1900andallthatfolloweduponthat，isjustoneofthosedisturbinginterludesinhistorythatrefusetojoinontothatgeneralschemeofprotestationbywhichcivilisationismaintained。ItisabreakinthegeneralflowofexperienceasdisconcertingtostatecraftastherobberyofmyknifeandthescufflethatfollowedithadbeentomewhenIwasaboyatPenge。Itislikeatearinacurtainrevealingquiteunexpectedbackgrounds。Ihadnevergiventhebusinessathoughtforyears；nowthistalkbroughtbackastringofpicturestomymind；howthereliefsarrivedandtheplunderingbegan，howsectionaftersectionoftheInternationalArmywasdrawnintomurderandpillage，howtheinfectionspreadupwarduntilthewivesofMinisterswerebusylooting，andtheverysentinelsstrippedandcrawledlikesnakesintothePalacetheyweresettoguard。Itdidnotstopatrobbery，menweremurdered，women，beingplundered，wereoutraged，childrenwerebutchered，strongmenhadfoundthemselveswitharmsinalawless，defencelesscity，andthishadfollowed。
Nowitwasallrecalled。
\"Respectableladiesaddictedtodistrictvisitingathomewereasbadasanyone，\"saidPanmure。\"Glazebrooktoldmeofone——flushedlikeawomanatabargainsale，hesaid——andwhenhepointedouttoherthatthesilkshe\'dgotwasbloodstained，shejustsaid，\'Oh，bother！\'andthrewitasideandwentback……\"
WebecameawarethatTarvrille\'sbutlerhadreturned。Wetriednottoseemtolisten。
\"Begpardon，m\'lord，\"hesaid。\"ThehouseISonfire，m\'lord。\"
\"Upstairs，m\'lord。\"
\"Justoverhead，m\'lord。\"
\"Themaidsarethrowingwater，m\'lord，andI\'vetelephonedFIRE。\"
\"No，m\'lord，noimmediatedanger。\"
\"It\'sallright，\"saidTarvrilletothetablegenerally。Goon！
It\'snotageneralconflagration，andthefirebrigadewon\'tbefiveminutes。Don\'tseethatit\'souraffair。Thestuff\'sinsured。
TheysayoldLadyPaskershortlywasdreadful。Likeaharpy。TheDowagerEmpresshadshownhersomelittlethingsofhers。Petthings——hiddenaway。Susanwentstraightforthem——usedtotakeanumbrellaforthesilks。Bornshoplifter。\"
Itwasevidenthedidn\'twanthisdinnerspoilt，andweplayeduployally。
\"Thisisrecordedhistory，\"saidWilkins，——\"practically。Itmakesonewonderaboutunrecordedhistory。InIndia，forexample。\"
Butnobodytouchedthat。
\"Thompson，\"saidTarvrilletotheimperturbablebutler，andindicatingthetablegenerally，\"champagne。Champagne。Keepitgoing。\"
\"M\'lord，\"andThompsonmarshalledhisassistants。
SomemanIdidn\'tknowbegantorememberthingsaboutMandalay。
\"It\'squeer，\"hesaid，\"howpeoplebreakoutattimes；\"andtoldhisstoryofanarmydoctor，brave，public-spirited，and，asithappened，deeplyreligious，whowascaughtoneeveningbytheexcitementofplundering——andstoleandhid，twistedthewristofaboyuntilitbroke，andwasafterwardsovercomebywildremorse。
IwatchedEveshamlisteningintently。\"Strange，\"hesaid，\"verystrange。Wearesuchstuffasthievesaremadeof。AndinChina，too，theymurderedpeople——forthesakeofmurdering。Apart，sotospeak，frommercenaryconsiderations。I\'mafraidthere\'snodoubtofitincertaincases。Nodoubtatall。YoungsoldiersfreshfromGermanhighschoolsandEnglishhomes！\"
\"DidOURpeople？\"askedsomepatriot。
\"Notsomuch。ButI\'mafraidtherewerecases……SomeoftheIndiantroopswereprettybad。\"
Ganepickedupthetalewithconfirmations。
Itisallprintedinthevividestwayasapictureuponmymemory，sothatwereIapainterIthinkIcouldgivethedeeprichbrownsandwarmgreysbeyondthebrightlylittable，thevariousdistinguishedfaces，stronglyilluminated，interestedandkeen，abovetheblackandwhiteofeveningdress，thealertmenservantswiththeirheavier，clean-shavedfacesindistinctlyseeninthedimnessbehind。Thenthiswascolouredemotionallyformebymyachingsenseoflossandsacrifice，andbythechancetrendofourtalktothebreachesandunrealitiesofthecivilisedscheme。Weseemedalittletransitorycircleoflightinauniverseofdarknessandviolence；aneffecttowhichthediminishingsmellofburningrubber，thetramplingoffeetoverhead，theswishofwater，addedenormously。Everybody——unless，perhaps，itwasEvesham——drankrathercarelesslybecauseofthesuppressedexcitementofoursituation，andtalkedthelouderandmorefreely。
\"Butwhataflimsythingourcivilisationis！\"saidEvesham；\"amerethinnetofhabitsandassociations！\"
\"Isupposethosemencameback，\"saidWilkins。
\"LadyPaskershortlydid！\"chuckledEvesham。
\"Howdotheyfititinwiththerestoftheirlives？\"Wilkinsspeculated。\"Isupposethere\'sPekin-stainedpoliceofficers，Pekin-stainedJ。P。\'s——tryingpettypilferersintheseverestmanner。\"……
Thenforatimethingsbecamepreposterous。Therewasasuddencascadeofwaterbythefireplace，andthenabsurdlytheceilingbegantorainuponus，firstatthispointandthenthat。\"Mynewsuit！\"criedsomeone。\"Perrrrrr-uppe-rr\"——anewverticallineofblackenedwaterwouldestablishitselfandformaspreadingpooluponthegleamingcloth。Themennearestwouldarrangecatchmentareasofplatesandflowerbowls。\"Drawup！\"saidTarvrille，\"drawup。That\'sthebadendofthetable！\"Heturnedtotheimperturbablebutler。\"Takeroundbathtowels，\"hesaid；andpresentlythemenbehinduswereoffering——withinflexibledignity——
\"Portwine，Sir。Bathtowel，Sir！\"Waulsort，withstreaksofblackenedwateronhisforehead，wassuddenlyremindedofawetyearwhenhehadfollowedtheFrencharmymanoeuvres。AnanimateddisputesprangupbetweenhimandNealabouttherelativeefficiencyofthenewFrenchandGermanfieldguns。WrassletonjoinedinandalittledrunkenshrivelledOxforddonofsomesortwithablack-
splashedshirtfrontwhopresentlysilencedthemallbytheimmensityandparticularityofhisknowledgeoffieldartillery。
ThenthetalkdriftedtoSedanandtheeffectofdeadhorsesupondrinking-water，whichbroughtWrassletonandWestonMassinghayintoadisputeofgreatvigourandemphasis。\"ThetroubleinSouthAfrica，\"saidWestonMassinghay，\"wasn\'tthatwedidn\'tboilourwater。Itwasthatwedidn\'tboilourmen。TheBoersdrankthesamestuffwedid。THEYdidn\'tgetdysentery。\"
Thatargumentwentonforsometime。IwasattackedacrossthetablebyamannamedBurshortaboutmyEndowmentofMotherhoodschemes，butinthegapsofthatdebateIcouldstillhearWestonMassinghayatintervalsrepeatinaratherthickenedvoice：\"THEY
didn\'tgetdysentery。\"
IthinkEveshamwentearly。Therestofusclusteredmoreandmorecloselytowardsthedrierendoftheroom，thetablewaspushedalong，andtheareabeneaththeextinguishedconflagrationabandonedtoatinkling，splashingcompanyofpotsandpansandbowlsandbaths。Everybodywasnowdisposedtobehilariousandnoisy，tosaystartlingandaggressivethings；wemusthavesoundedaqueerclamourtoalistenerinthenextroom。Thedevilinspiredthemtobeginbaitingme。\"Oursisn\'ttheTorypartyanymore，\"saidBurshort。\"RemingtonhasmadeittheObstetricParty。\"
\"That\'sgood！\"saidWestonMassinghay，withallhisteethgleaming；
\"IshallusethatagainstyouintheHouse！\"
\"Ishalldenounceyouforabusingprivateconfidencesifyoudo，\"
saidTarvrille。
\"RemingtonwantsustogiveuplaunchingDreadnoughtsandlaunchbabiesinstead，\"Burshorturged。\"ForthepriceofoneDreadnought——\"
Thelittleshrivelleddonwhohadbeenomniscientaboutgunsjoinedinthebaiting，anddisplayedhimselfavenomouscreature。
SomethinginhiseyestoldmeheknewIsabelandhatedmeforit。
\"Loveandfinethinking，\"hebegan，alittlethickly，andknockingoverawine-glasswithatooeasygesture。\"Loveandfinethinking。
Twothingsdon\'tgotogether。Nophilosophyworthadamnevercameoutofexcessesoflove。SaltLakeCity——Piggott——Ag——Agapemoneagain——noworkstomatter。\"
Everybodylaughed。
\"Gottorec\'nisethesefacts，\"saidmyassailant。\"Loveandfinethink\'nprettyphrase——attractive。Suitableforp\'liticaldec\'rations。Postcard，Christmas，giltlets，inawreathofwhiteflow\'s。Nototh\'wisevalu\'ble。\"
Imadesomeremark，Iforgetwhat，butheoverboreme。
RealthingswewantareHate——HateandCOARSEthink\'n。Ib\'longtotheschoolofMrs。F\'sAunt——\"
\"What？\"saidsomeone，intent。
\"In\'LittleDorrit，\'\"explainedTarvrille；\"goon！\"
\"Hateafool，\"saidmyassailant。
Tarvrilleglancedatme。Ismiledtoconcealthelossofmytemper。
\"Hate，\"saidthelittleman，emphasisinghispointwithaclumsyfist。\"Hate\'sthedrivingforce。What\'sm\'rality？——hateofrottengoingson。What\'spatriotism？——hateofint\'lopingforeigners。
What\'sRadicalism？——hateoflords。What\'sToryism？——hateofdisturbance。It\'sallhate——hatefromtoptobottom。Hateofamess。Remingtonownedittheotherday，saidhehatedamu\'ll。
Thereyouare！Ifyoucouldn\'tgethateintoanelection，damnithicpeoplewou\'n\'tpoll。Pollforlove！——no\'me！\"
Hepaused，butbeforeanyonecouldspeakhehadresumed。
\"Thenthisaboutfinethinking。Likegoingintoabearpitarmedwithatagle——talgent——talgentgalv\'nometer。LikegoingtofightamaddogwithShasepearandtheBible。Finethinking——whatwewantisthethickes\'thinkingwecanget。Thinkingthatstandsupalone。
TafReformmeansworkforall，thassortofthing。\"
ThegentlemanfromCambridgepaused。\"YOUaflag！\"hesaid。\"I\'dassoongotoba\'ellund\'wettissuepaper！\"
Mybestansweronthespurofthemomentwas：
\"TheJapanesedid。\"Whichwasabsurd。
Iwentontosomeotherreply，Iforgetexactlywhat，andthetalkofthewholetabledrewroundme。Itwasanextraordinaryrevelationtome。Everyonewasunusuallycarelessandoutspoken，anditwasamazinghowmanifestlytheyechoedthefeelingofthisoldToryspokesman。Theywerequitefriendlytome，theyregardedmeandtheBLUEWEEKLYasvaluablepartyassetsforToryism，butitwascleartheyattachednomoreimportancetowhatweremyrealitiesthantheydidtotheremarkabletherapeuticclaimsofMrs。Eddy。
Theywereflushedandamused，perhapstheywentalittletoofarintheirresolvestodrawme，buttheylefttheimpressiononmymindofmenirrevocablysetuponnarrowandcynicalviewsofpoliticallife。Forthemthepoliticalstrugglewasagame，whosecounterswerehumanhateandhumancredulity；theirrealaimwasjusteveryone\'saim，thepreservationoftheclassandwayoflivingtowhichtheirliveswereattuned。TheydidnotknowhowtiredIwas，howexhaustedmentallyandmorally，norhowcrueltheirconvergentattackonmechancedtobe。Butmytempergaveway，Ibecametartandfierce，perhapsmyreplieswereatrifleabsurd，andTarvrille，withthatquickeyeandsympathyofhis，cametotherescue。ThenforatimeIsatsilentanddrankportwinewhiletheotherstalked。
Thedisorderoftheroom，thestilldrippingceiling，thenoise，thedisplacedtiesandcrumpledshirtsofmycompanions，jarredonmytormentednerves……
Itwaslongpastmidnightwhenwedispersed。IrememberTarvrillecomingwithmeintothehall，andthensuggestingweshouldgoupstairstoseethedamage。Amanservantcarrieduptwoflickeringcandlesforus。Oneendoftheroomwasgutted，curtains，hangings，severalchairsandtableswerecompletelyburnt，thepanellingwasscorchedandwarped，threesmashedwindowsmadethecandlesflareandgutter，andsomescrapsofbrokenchinastilllayonthepuddledfloor。
Aswesurveyedthis，LadyTarvrilleappeared，backfromsomeparty，aslender，white-cloaked，satin-footedfigurewithamazedblueeyesbeneathhergoldenhair。Irememberhowstupidlywelaughedathersurprise。
2
IpartedfromPanmureatthecornerofAldingtonStreet，andwentmywayalone。ButIdidnotgohome，Iturnedwestwardandwalkedforalongway，andthenstrucknorthwardaimlessly。Iwastoomiserabletogotomyhouse。
IwanderedaboutthatnightlikeamanwhohasdiscoveredhisGodsaredead。Icanlookbacknowdetachedyetsympatheticuponthatwildconfusionofmoodsandimpulses，andbyitIthinkIcanunderstand，oh！halfthewrongdoingandblunderingintheworld。
IdonotfeelnowthelogicalforceoftheprocessthatmusthaveconvincedmethenthatIhadmademysacrificeandspentmystrengthinvain。AtnotimehadIbeenunderanyillusionthattheTorypartyhadhigheridealsthananyotherparty，yetitcametomelikeathingnewlydiscoveredthatthemenIhadtoworkwithhadforthemostpartnosuchdreams，nosenseofanycollectivepurpose，noatomofthefaithIheld。Theywerejustasimmediatelyintentuponpersonalends，justaslimitedbyhabitsofthought，asthemeninanyothergrouporparty。PerhapsIhadslippedunawaresforatimeintothedelusionsofapartyman——butIdonotthinkso。
No，itwasthemoodofprofounddespondencythathadfollowedupontheabruptcessationofmyfamiliarintercoursewithIsabel，thatgavethisfactthathadalwaysbeenpresentinmyminditsqualityofdevastatingrevelation。ItseemedasthoughIhadneverseenbeforenorsuspectedthestupendousgapbetweenthechaoticaims，theroutine，theconventionalacquiescences，thevulgarisationsofthepersonallife，andthatclearlyconsciousdevelopmentandserviceofacollectivethoughtandpurposeatwhichmyeffortsaimed。Ihadthoughtthembutalittlewayapart，andnowIsawtheywereseparatedbyallthedistancebetweenearthandheaven。I
sawnowinmyselfandeveryonearoundme，aconcentrationuponinterestscloseathand，aninabilitytodetachoneselffromtheprovocations，tendernesses，instinctivehates，dumblustsandshytimiditiesthattouchedoneateverypoint；and，saveforrareexaltedmoments，aregardlessnessofbroaderaimsandremoterpossibilitiesthatmadethewhitepassionofstatecraftseemasunearthlyandirrelevanttohumanlifeasthestoryanastronomerwilltell，halfprovenbutaltogetherincredible，ofhabitableplanetsandansweringintelligences，suns\'distancesuncountedacrossthedeep。ItseemedtomeIhadaspiredtoohighandthoughttoofar，hadmockedmyownlittlenessbypresumption，hadgiventheuttermostdearrealityoflifeforatheoriser\'sdream。
Allthroughthatwanderingagonyofminethatnightadozenthreadsofthoughtinterwove；nowIwasasoulspeakinginprotesttoGodagainstatasktoocoldandhighforit，andnowIwasanangryman，scornedandpointedupon，whohadletlifecheathimoftheultimateprideofhissoul。NowIwasthefoolofambition，whoopenedhisboxofgoldtofindblankemptiness，andnowIwasaspinnerofflimsythoughts，whosewebtoretoragsatatouch。IrealisedforthefirsttimehowmuchIhadcometodependuponthemindandfaithofIsabel，howshehadconfirmedmeandsustainedme，howlittlestrengthIhadtogoonwithourpurposesnowthatshehadvanishedfrommylife。Shehadbeentheincarnationofthosegreatabstractions，thesavingreality，thevoicethatansweredback。
Therewasnosupportthatnightinthethingsthathadbeen。Wewerealonetogetheronthecliffforevermore！——thatwasveryprettyinitsway，butithadnotruthwhateverthatcouldhelpmenow，noounceofsustainingvalue。IwantedIsabelthatnight，nosentimentormemoryofher，butIsabelalive，——totalktome，totouchme，toholdmetogether。Iwantedunendurablytheduskygentlenessofherpresence，theconsolationofhervoice。
Wewerealonetogetheronthecliff！Istartledapassingcabmanintointerestbylaughingaloudatthatmagnificentandcharacteristicsentimentality。Whatalieitwas，andhowsatisfyingithadbeen！Thatwasjustwhereweshouldn\'tremain。
Weofallpeoplehadnodistinctionfromthathumanitywhoselotistoforget。Weshouldgoouttootherinterests，newexperiences，newdemands。Thattallandintricatefabricofambitiousunderstandingswehadbuiltuptogetherinourintimacywouldbethefirsttogo；andlastperhapstoendurewithuswouldbeafewgrossmemoriesofsightsandsounds，andtrivialincidentalexcitements……
IhadacuriousfeelingthatnightthatIhadlosttouchwithlifeforalongtime，andhadnowbeenremindedofitsquality。Thatinfernallittledon\'sparodyofmyrulingphrase，\"Hateandcoarsethinking，\"stuckinmythoughtslikeapoisoneddart，acentreofinflammation。Justasamanwhoisdebilitatedhasnolongerthevitalitytoresistaninfection，somymind，slackenedbythecrisisofmyseparationfromIsabel，couldfindnoresistancetohisemphaticsuggestion。Itseemedtomethatwhathehadsaidwasoverpoweringlytrue，notonlyofcontemporarylife，butofallpossiblehumanlife。Loveistherarething，thetreasuredthing；
youlockitawayjealouslyandwatch，andwellyoumay；hateandaggressionandforcekeepthestreetsandruletheworld。Andfinethinkingis，intheroughissuesoflife，weakthinking，isabalancingindecisiveprocess，discoverswithdisloyalimpartialityajusticeandadefectoneachdisputingside。\"Goodhonestmen，\"asDaytoncallsthem，ruletheworld，withawayofthinkingoutdecisionslikeshootingcartloadsofbricks，andwithasteadfastpleasureinhostility。Daytonlikedtocallhisantagonists\"blaggardsandscoundrels\"——itjustifiedhisopposition——theLordswere\"scoundrels，\"allpeoplericherthanbewere\"scoundrels，\"allSocialists，alltroublesomepoorpeople；helikedtothinkofjailsandjusticebeingdone。Hispublicspiritwassaturatedwiththesombrejoysofconflictandthepleasantthoughtofcondignpunishmentforallrecalcitrantsouls。Thatwasthewayofit，I
perceived。Thathadsurvivalvalue，asthebiologistssay。Hewasfoolenoughinpoliticstobeaconsistentandhappypolitician……
Hateandcoarsethinking；howtheinfernaltruthofthephrasebeatmedownthatnight！Icouldn\'trememberthatIhadknownthisallalong，andthatitdidnotreallymatterintheslightestdegree。I
hadworkeditalloutlongagoinotherterms，whenIhadseenhowallpartiesstoodforinterestsinevitably，andhowthepurposeinlifeachievesitself，ifitachievesitselfatall，asabyeproductofthewarofindividualsandclasses。Hadn\'tIalwaysknownthatscienceandphilosophyelaboratethemselvesinspiteofallthepassionandnarrownessofmen，inspiteofthevanitiesandweaknessoftheirservants，inspiteofalltheheateddisorderofcontemporarythings？Wasn\'titmyownphrasetospeakof\"thatgreatermindinmen，inwhichwearebutmomentsandtransitorilylitcells？\"Hadn\'tIknownthatthespiritofmanstillspeakslikeathingthatstrugglesoutofmudandslime，andthatthemereefforttospeakmeanschokinganddisaster？Hadn\'tIknownthatwewhothinkwithoutfearandspeakwithoutdiscretionwillnotcometoourownforthenexttwothousandyears？
Itwasthelastwasmostforgottenofallthatfaithmislaid。
Beforemankind，inmyvisionthatnight，stretchednewcenturiesofconfusion，vaststupidwars，hastilyconceivedlaws，foolishtemporarytriumphsoforder，lapses，set-backs，despairs，catastrophes，newbeginnings，amultitudinouswildernessoftime，anighplotlessdramaofwrong-headedenergies。InordertoassuagemypartingfromIsabelwehadsetourselvestoimaginegreatrewardsforourseparation，greatpersonalrewards；wehadpromisedourselvessuccessvisibleandshininginourlives。ToconsoleourselvesinourseparationwehadmadeoutoftheBLUEWEEKLYandouryoungTorymovementpreposterouslyenormousthings-asthoughthosepoorfertilisingtouchesatthesoilwereindeedthegerminatingseedsofthemillennium，asthoughamillionlivessuchasourshadnottocontributebeforethebeginningofthebeginning。
Thatpoorpretencehadfailed。Thatmagnificentpropositionshrivelledtonothingintheblacklonelinessofthatnight。
Isawthatthereweretobenosuchcompensations。SofarasmyrealservicestomankindwereconcernedIhadtoliveanunrecognisedandunrewardedlife。IfImadesuccessesitwouldbebytheway。Ourseparationwouldalternothingofthat。Myscandalwouldclingtomenowforallmylife，athingaffectingrelationships，embarrassingandhamperingmyspirit。Ishouldfollowthecommonlotofthosewholivebytheimagination，andfollowitnowininfinitelonelinessofsoul；theonegoodcomforter，theoneeffectualfamiliar，waslosttomeforever；I
shoulddogoodandeviltogether，noonecaringtounderstand；I
shouldproducemuchwearywork，muchbad-spiritedwork，muchabsoluteevil；thegoodinmewouldbetoooftenill-expressedandmissedormisinterpreted。IntheendImightleaveonegleamingflakeorsoamidsttheslagheapsforamomentofpostmortemsympathy。Iwasafraidbeyondmeasureofmyderelictself。BecauseIbelievedwithallmysoulinloveandfinethinkingthatdidnotmeanthatIshouldnecessarilyeitherlovesteadfastlyorthinkfinely。IrememberhowIfelltalkingtoGod——IthinkItalkedoutloud。\"WhydoIcareforthesethings？\"Icried，\"whenIcandosolittle！WhyamIapartfromthejollythoughtlessfightinglifeofmen？Thesedreamsfadetonothingness，andleavemebare！\"
Iscolded。\"Whydon\'tyouspeaktoaman，showyourself？IthoughtIhadagleamofyouinIsabel，——andthenyoutakeheraway。DoyoureallythinkIcancarryonthisgamealone，doingyourworkindarknessandsilence，livinginmuddledconflict，halfliving，halfdying？\"
Grotesqueanalogiesaroseinmymind。Idiscoveredastrangeparallelismbetweenmynowtatteredphraseof\"Loveandfinethinking\"andthe\"LoveandtheWord\"ofChristianthought。WasitpossibletheChristianpropagandahadattheoutsetmeantjustthatsystemofattitudesIhadbeenfeelingmywaytowardsfromtheverybeginningofmylife？HadIspentalifetimemakingmywaybacktoChrist？ItmockshumanitytothinkhowChristhasbeenoverlaid。I
wentalongnow，recallinglong-neglectedphrasesandsentences；I
hadanewvisionofthatgreatcentralfigurepreachinglovewithhateandcoarsethinkingeveninthedisciplesaboutHim，risingtoatidalwaveatlastinthatclamourforBarabbas，andthepublicsatisfactioninHisfate……
It\'scurioustothinkthathopelessloveandanoisydisordereddinnershouldleadamantothesespeculations，buttheydid。\"HeDIDmeanthat！\"Isaid，andsuddenlythoughtofwhatabludgeonthey\'dmadeofHisChristianity。Athwartthatperplexing，patientenigmasittinginaudiblyamongpublicansandsinners，dancedandgibberedalongprocessionofthechampionsoforthodoxy。\"Hewasn\'thuman，\"Isaid，andrememberedthatlastdespairingcry，\"MyGod！MyGod！whyhastThouforsakenMe？\"
\"Oh，HEforsakeseveryone，\"Isaid，flyingoutasatiredmindwill，withanobviousrepartee……
IpassedataboundfromsuchmonstroustheologytoatoweringrageagainsttheBaileys。InaninstantandwithnosenseofabsurdityI
wanted——intheintervalsofloveandfinethinking——toflingaboutthatstrenuouslyvirtuouscouple；IwantedtokickKeyholeofthePEEPSHOWintothegutterandmakeacommonmassacreofalltheprosperousrascaldomthatmakesatradeandruleofvirtue。Icanstillfeelthattransition。InamomentIhadreachedthatphaseofweaklydecisiveangerwhichisforpeopleofmytemperamenttheconcomitantofexhaustion。
\"Iwillhaveher，\"Icried。\"ByHeaven！IWILLhaveher！Lifemocksmeandcheatsme。Nothingcanbemadegoodtomeagain……
Whyshouldn\'tIsavewhatIcan？Ican\'tsavemyselfwithouther……\"
Iremembermyself——asasortofanti-climaxtothat——rathertediouslyaskingmywayhome。IwassomewhereintheneighbourhoodofHollandPark……
Itwasthenbetweenoneandtwo。IfeltthatIcouldgohomenowwithoutanyriskofmeetingMargaret。IthadbeenthethoughtofreturningtoMargaretthathadsentmewanderingthatnight。ItisoneoftheugliestfactsIrecallaboutthattimeofcrisis，theintenseaversionIfeltforMargaret。Nosenseofhergoodness，herinjuryandnobility，andtheenormousgenerosityofherforgiveness，sufficedtomitigatethat。IhopenowthatinthisbookIamabletogivesomethingofhersilverysplendour，butallthroughthiscrisisIfeltnothingofthat。TherewasatriumphantkindlinessaboutherthatIfoundintolerable。Shemeanttobesokindtome，toofferunstintedconsolation，tomeetmyneeds，tosupplyjustallsheimaginedIsabelhadgivenme。
WhenIleftTarvrille\'s，IfeltIcouldanticipateexactlyhowshewouldmeetmyhomecoming。Shewouldbeperplexedbymycrumpledshirtfront，onwhichIhadspiltsomedropsofwine；shewouldoverlookthatbyaneffort，explainitsentimentally，resolveitshouldmakenodifferencetoher。Shewouldwanttoknowwhohadbeenpresent，whatwehadtalkedabout，showthealertestinterestinwhateveritwas——itdidn\'tmatterwhat……No，Icouldn\'tfaceher。
SoIdidnotreachmystudyuntiltwoo\'clock。
There，Iremember，stoodthenewandverybeautifuloldsilvercandlesticksthatshehadsettheretwodayssincetopleaseme——thefoolishkindlinessofit！Butinhersearchforexpression，Margaretheapedpresentsuponme。Shehadfittedthesecandlestickswithelectriclights，andImust，Isuppose，havelitthemtowritemynotetoIsabel。\"Givemeaword——theworldacheswithoutyou，\"
wasallIscrawled，thoughIfullymeantthatsheshouldcometome。
Iknew，thoughIoughtnottohaveknown，thatnowshehadleftherflat，shewaswiththeBalfes——shewastohavebeenmarriedfromtheBalfes——andIsentmyletterthere。AndIwentoutintothesilentsquareandpostedthenoteforthwith，becauseIknewquiteclearlythatifIleftituntilmorningIshouldneverpostitatall。
3
Ihadacuriousrevulsionoffeelingthatmorningofourmeeting。
OfallplacesforsuchaclandestineencountershehadchosenthebridgeoppositeBuckinghamPalace。OvernightIhadbeenfullofselfpity，andeagerforthecomfortofIsabel\'spresence。Buttheill-writtenscrawlinwhichshehadrepliedhadbeenfullofthesuggestionofherownweaknessandmisery。AndwhenIsawher，myownselfishsorrowswerealtogethersweptawaybyawaveofpitifultenderness。SomethinghadhappenedtoherthatIdidnotunderstand。Shewasmanifestlyill。Shecametowardsmewearily，shewhohadalwaysborneherselfsobravely；hershouldersseemedbent，andhereyesweretired，andherfacewhiteanddrawn。Allmylifehasbeenanarrowself-centredlife；nobrothers，nosistersorchildrenorweakthingshadeveryetmadeanyintimateappealtome，andsuddenly——Iverilybelieveforthefirsttimeinmylife！——I
feltagreatpassionofprotectiveownership；IfeltthatherewassomethingthatIcoulddietoshelter，somethingthatmeantmorethanjoyorprideorsplendidambitionsorsplendidcreationtome，anewkindofholduponme，anewpowerintheworld。Somesealedfountainwasopenedinmybreast。IknewthatIcouldloveIsabelbroken，Isabelbeaten，Isabeluglyandinpain，morethanIcouldloveanysweetordelightfulorgloriousthinginlife。Ididn\'tcareanymoreforanythingintheworldbutIsabel，andthatI
shouldprotecther。ItrembledasIcamenearher，andcouldscarcelyspeaktoherfortheemotionthatfilledme……
\"Ihadyourletter，\"Isaid。
\"Ihadyours。\"
\"Wherecanwetalk？\"
Iremembermylamesentences。\"We\'llhaveaboat。That\'sbesthere。\"
Itookhertothelittleboat-house，andtherewehiredaboat，andIrowedinsilenceunderthebridgeandintotheshadeofatree。
ThesquaregreystonemassesoftheForeignOfficeloomedthroughthetwigs，Iremember，andalittlespaceofgrassseparatedusfromthepathwayandthescrutinyofpassers-by。Andtherewetalked。
\"Ihadtowritetoyou，\"Isaid。
\"Ihadtocome。\"
\"Whenareyoutobemarried？\"
\"Thursdayweek。\"
\"Well？\"Isaid。\"But——canwe？\"
Sheleantforwardandscrutinisedmyfacewitheyeswideopen。
\"Whatdoyoumean？\"shesaidatlastinawhisper。
\"Canwestandit？Afterall？\"
Ilookedatherwhiteface。\"Canyou？\"Isaid。
Shewhispered。\"Yourcareer？\"
Thensuddenlyherfacewascontorted，——sheweptsilently，exactlyasachildtormentedbeyondendurancemightsuddenlyweep……
\"Oh！Idon\'tcare，\"Icried，\"now。Idon\'tcare。Damnthewholesystemofthings！Damnallthispatchingoftheirrevocable！I
wanttotakecareofyou，Isabel！andhaveyouwithme。\"
\"Ican\'tstandit，\"sheblubbered。
\"Youneedn\'tstandit。Ithoughtitwasbestforyou……I
thoughtindeeditwasbestforyou。Ithoughtevenyouwanteditlikethat。\"
\"Couldn\'tIlivealone——asImeanttodo？\"
\"No，\"Isaid，\"youcouldn\'t。You\'renotstrongenough。I\'vethoughtofthat；I\'vegottoshelteryou。\"
\"AndIwantyou，\"Iwenton。\"I\'mnotstrongenough——Ican\'tstandlifewithoutyou。\"
Shestoppedweeping，shemadeagreatefforttocontrolherself，andlookedatmesteadfastlyforamoment。\"Iwasgoingtokillmyself，\"shewhispered。\"Iwasgoingtokillmyselfquietly——
somehow。Imeanttowaitabitandhaveanaccident。Ithought——
youdidn\'tunderstand。Youwereaman，andcouldn\'tunderstand……\"
\"Peoplecan\'tdoaswethoughtwecoulddo，\"Isaid。\"We\'vegonetoofartogether。\"
\"Yes，\"shesaid，andIstaredintohereyes。
\"Thehorrorofit，\"shewhispered。\"Thehorrorofbeinghandedover。It\'sjustonlybeguntodawnuponme，seeinghimnowasIdo。
Hetriestobekindtome……Ididn\'tknow。Ifeltadventurousbefore……Itmakesmefeellikeallthewomenintheworldwhohaveeverbeenownedandsubdued……It\'snotthatheisn\'tthebestofmen，it\'sbecauseI\'mapartofyou……Ican\'tgothroughwithit。IfIgothroughwithit，Ishallbeleft——robbedofpride——outraged——awomanbeaten……\"
\"Iknow，\"Isaid，\"Iknow。\"
\"Iwanttolivealone……Idon\'tcareforanythingnowbutjustescape。Ifyoucanhelpme……\"
\"Imusttakeyouaway。There\'snothingforusbuttogoawaytogether。\"
\"Butyourwork，\"shesaid；\"yourcareer！Margaret！Ourpromises！\"
\"We\'vemadeamessofthings，Isabel——orthingshavemadeamessofus。Idon\'tknowwhich。Ourflagsareinthemud，anyhow。It\'stoolatetosavethoseotherthings！Theyhavetogo。Youcan\'tmaketermswithdefeat。IthoughtitwasMargaretneededmemost。
Butit\'syou。AndIneedyou。Ididn\'tthinkofthateither。I
haven\'tadoubtleftintheworldnow。We\'vegottoleaveeverythingratherthanleaveeachother。I\'msureofit。Nowwehavegonesofar。We\'vegottogorightdowntoearthandbeginagain……Dear，IWANTdisgracewithyou……\"
SoIwhisperedtoherasshesatcrumpledtogetheronthefadedcushionsoftheboat，thiswhiteandwearyyoungwomanwhohadbeensovaliantandcarelessagirl。\"Idon\'tcare，\"Isaid。\"Idon\'tcareforanything，ifIcansaveyououtofthewreckagewehavemadetogether。\"
4
ThenextdayIwenttotheofficeoftheBLUEWEEKLYinordertogetasmuchaspossibleofitsaffairsinworkingorderbeforeIleftLondonwithIsabel。IjustmissedShoesmithintheloweroffice。
UpstairsIfoundBrittenamidstapileofoutsidearticles，methodicallyreadingthetitleofeachandsometimesthefirsthalf-
dozenlines，andeitherdroppingtheminagrowingheaponthefloorforaclerktoreturn，orputtingthemasideforconsideration。I
interruptedhim，squattedonthewindow-silloftheopenwindow，andsketchedoutmyideasforthesession。
\"You\'refar-sighted，\"heremarkedatsomethingofminewhichreachedoutahead。
\"Iliketoseethingsprepared，\"Ianswered。
\"Yes，\"hesaid，andrippedopentheenvelopeofafreshaspirant。
Iwassilentwhileheread。
\"You\'regoingawaywithIsabelRivers，\"hesaidabruptly。
\"Well！\"Isaid，amazed。
\"Iknow，\"hesaid，andlosthisbreath。\"Notmybusiness。Only——\"
ItwasqueertofindBrittenafraidtosayathing。
\"It\'snotplayingthegame，\"hesaid。
\"Whatdoyouknow？\"
\"Everythingthatmatters。\"
\"Somegames，\"Isaid，\"aretoohardtoplay。\"
Therecameapausebetweenus。
\"Ididn\'tknowyouwerewatchingallthis，\"Isaid。
\"Yes，\"heanswered，afterapause，\"I\'vewatched。\"
\"Sorry——sorryyoudon\'tapprove。\"
\"Itmeanssmashingsuchaninfernallotofthings，Remington。\"
Ididnotanswer。
\"You\'regoingawaythen？\"
\"Yes。\"
\"Soon？\"
\"Rightaway。\"
\"There\'svourwife。\"
\"Iknow。\"
\"Shoesmith——whomyou\'repledgedtoinamanner。You\'vejustpickedhimoutandmadehimconspicuous。Everyonewillknow。Oh！ofcourse——it\'snothingtoyou。Honour——\"
\"Iknow。\"
\"Commondecency。\"
Inodded。
\"Allthismovementofours。That\'swhatIcareformost……
It\'scometobeabigthing，Remington。\"
\"Thatwillgoon。\"
\"Wehaveauseforyou——nooneelsequitefillsit。Noone……
I\'mnotsureitwillgoon。\"
\"DoyouthinkIhaven\'tthoughtofallthesethings？\"
Heshruggedhisshoulders，andrejectedtwopapersunread。
\"Iknew，\"heremarked，\"whenyoucamebackfromAmerica。Youwerealightwithit。\"Thenhelethisbitternessgleamforamoment。
\"ButIthoughtyouwouldsticktoyourbargain。\"
\"It\'snotsomuchchoiceasyouthink，\"Isaid。
\"There\'salwaysachoice。\"
\"No，\"Isaid。
Hescrutinisedmyface。
\"Ican\'tlivewithouther——Ican\'twork。She\'sallmixedupwiththis——andeverything。Andbesides，there\'sthingsyoucan\'tunderstand。There\'sfeelingsyou\'veneverfelt……Youdon\'tunderstandhowmuchwe\'vebeentooneanother。\"
Brittenfrownedandthought。
\"Somethingsone\'sGOTtodo，\"hethrewout。
\"Somethingsonecan\'tdo。\"
\"Theseinfernalinstitutions——\"
\"Someonemustbegin，\"Isaid。
Heshookhishead。\"NotYOU，\"hesaid。\"No！\"
Hestretchedouthishandsonthedeskbeforehim，andspokeagain。
\"Remington，\"hesaid，\"I\'vethoughtofthisbusinessdayandnighttoo。Itmatterstome。Itmattersimmenselytome。Inaway——it\'sathingonedoesn\'toftensaytoaman——I\'velovedyou。I\'mthesortofmanwholeadsanarrowlife……Butyou\'vebeensomethingfineandgoodforme，sincethattime，doyouremember？
whenwetalkedaboutMeccatogether。\"
Inodded。
\"Yes。Andyou\'llalwaysbesomethingfineandgoodformeanyhow。
Iknowthingsaboutyou，——qualities——nomereactcandestroythem……Well，Icantellyou，you\'redoingwrong。You\'regoingonnowlikeamanwhoishypnotisedandcan\'tturnround。You\'repilingwrongonwrong。Itwaswrongforyoutwopeopleevertobelovers。\"
Hepaused。
\"Itgrippedushard，\"Isaid。
\"Yes！——butinyourposition！Andhers！Itwasvile！\"
\"You\'venotbeentempted。\"
\"Howdoyouknow？Anyhow——havingdonethat，yououghttohavestoodtheconsequencesandthoughtofotherpeople。Youcouldhaveendeditatthefirstpauseforreflection。Youdidn\'t。Youblunderedagain。Youkepton。Youowedacertainsecrecytoallofus！Youdidn\'tkeepit。Youwerecareless。Youmadethingsworse。Thisengagementandthispublicity！——Damnit，Remington！\"
\"Iknow，\"Isaid，withsmartingeyes。\"Damnit！withallmyheart！
Itcameoftryingtopatch……YouCAN\'Tpatch。\"
\"Andnow，asIcareforanythingunderheaven，Remington，youtwooughttostandtheselastconsequences——andpart。Yououghttopart。Otherpeoplehavetostandthings！Otherpeoplehavetopart。Yououghtto。Yousay——whatdoyousay？It\'slossofsomuchlifetoloseeachother。Soislosingahandoraleg。Butit\'swhatyou\'veincurred。Amputate。Takeyourpunishment——Afterall，youchoseit。\"
\"Oh，damn！\"Isaid，standingupandgoingtothewindow。
\"Damnbyallmeans。Ineverknewatopicsofullofjustifiabledamns。Butyoutwodidchooseit。Yououghttosticktoyourundertaking。\"
Iturneduponhimwithasnarlinmyvoice。\"MydearBritten！\"I
cried。\"Don\'tIKNOWI\'mdoingwrong？Aren\'tIinanet？SupposeIdon\'tgo！Isthereanyrightinthat？Doyouthinkwe\'regoingtobemuchtoourselvesoranyoneafterthisparting？I\'vebeenthinkingalllastnightofthisbusiness，tryingitoverandoveragainfromthebeginning。Howwasitwewentwrong？SinceIcamebackfromAmerica——IgrantyouTHAT——butSINCE，there\'sneverbeenastepthatwasn\'tforced，thathadn\'tasmuchrightinitormore，aswrong。YoutalkasthoughIwasathingofsteelthatcouldbendthiswayorthatandneverchange。YoutalkasthoughIsabelwasacatonecouldgivetoanykindofowner……Wetwoarethingsthatchangeandgrowandalterallthetime。We\'re——sointerwoventhatbeingpartednowwillleaveusjustmisshapencripples……
Youdon\'tknowthemotives，youdon\'tknowtherushandfeelofthings，youdon\'tknowhowitwaswithus，andhowitiswithus。
Youdon\'tknowthehungerforthemeresightofoneanother；youdon\'tknowanything。\"
Brittenlookedathisfinger-nailsclosely。Hisredfacepuckeredtoawryfrown。\"Haven\'tweallattimeswantedtheworldputback？\"hegrunted，andlookedhardandcloseatoneparticularnail。
Therewasalongpause。
\"Iwanther，\"Isaid，\"andI\'mgoingtohaveher。I\'mtootiredforbalancingtherightorwrongofitanymore。Youcan\'tseparatethem。Isawheryesterday……She\'s——ill……I\'dtakehernow，ifdeathwerejustoutsidethedoorwaitingforus。\"
\"Torture？\"
Ithought。\"Yes。\"
\"Forher？\"
\"Thereisn\'t，\"Isaid。
\"Iftherewas？\"
Imadenoanswer。
\"It\'sblindWant。Andthere\'snothingeverbeenputintoyoutostandagainstit。Whatareyougoingtodowiththerestofyourlives？\"
\"Noendofthings。\"
\"Nothing。\"
\"Idon\'tbelieveyouareright，\"Isaid。\"Ibelievewecansavesomething——\"
Brittenshookhishead。\"Somescrapsofsalvagewon\'texcuseyou，\"
hesaid。
Hisindignationrose。\"Inthemiddleoflife！\"hesaid。\"Nomanhasarighttotakehishandfromtheplough！\"
Heleantforwardonhisdeskandopenedanargumentativepalm。\"Youknow，Remington，\"hesaid，\"andIknow，thatifthiscouldbefendedoffforsixmonths——ifyoucouldbeclappedinprison，orgotoutofthewaysomehow，——untilthismarriagewasalloverandsettleddownforayear，say——youknowthenyoutwocouldmeet，curious，happy，asfriends。Saved！YouKNOWit。\"
Iturnedandstaredathim。\"You\'rewrong，Britten，\"Isaid。\"Anddoesitmatterifwecould？\"
IfoundthatintalkingtohimIcouldframetheapologeticsIhadnotbeenabletofindformyselfalone。
\"Iamcertainofonething，Britten。Itisourdutynottohushupthisscandal。\"
Heraisedhiseyebrows。Iperceivednowtheelementofabsurdityinme，butatthetimeIwasasseriousasamanwhoisburning。
\"It\'sourduty，\"Iwenton，\"tosmashnowopenlyinthesightofeveryone。Yes！I\'vegotthatascleanandplain——asprisonwhitewash。Iamconvincedthatwehavegottobepublictotheuttermostnow——Imeanit——untileverycornerofourworldknowsthisstory，knowsitfully，addsittotheParnellstoryandtheAshtonDeanstoryandtheCarmelstoryandtheWittersleastory，andalltheotherstoriesthathavepickedmanaftermanoutofEnglishpubliclife，themenwithactiveimaginations，themenofstronginitiative。Tothinkthistotteringold-womanriddenEmpireshoulddaretowasteamanonsuchascore！YousayIoughttobepenitent——\"
Brittenshookhisheadandsmiledveryfaintly。
\"I\'mboilingwithindignation，\"Isaid。\"Ilayinbedlastnightandwentthroughitall。WhatinGod\'snamewastobeexpectedofusbutwhathashappened？Iwentthroughmylifebitbybitlastnight，IrecalledallI\'vehadtodowithvirtueandwomen，andallIwastoldandhowIwasprepared。Iwasbornintocowardiceanddebasement。Weallare。Ourgeneration\'sgrimywithhypocrisy。I
cametothemostbeautifulthingsinlife——likepeepingTomofCoventry。Iwasnevergivenalight，nevergivenatouchofnaturalmanhoodbyallthisdingy，furtive，canting，humbuggingEnglishworld。ThankGod！I\'llsoonbeoutofit！Theshameofit！TheverysavagesinAustraliainitiatetheirchildrenbetterthantheEnglishdoto-day。Neitherofuswasevergivenaviewofwhattheycallmoralitythatdidn\'tmakeitshowasshabbysubservience，asthemeanestdiscretion，anabjectsubmissiontounreasonableprohibitions！meeksurrenderofmindandbodytothedictationofpedantsandoldwomenandfools。Weweren\'ttaught——weweremumbledat！Andwhenwefoundthatthethingtheycalledunclean，unclean，wasPaganbeauty——God！itwasaglorytosin，Britten，itwasaprideandsplendourlikebathinginthesunlightafterdustandgrime！\"
\"Yes，\"saidBritten。\"That\'sallverywell——\"
Iinterruptedhim。\"Iknowthere\'sacase——I\'mbeginningtothinkitavalidcaseagainstus；butwenevermetit！There\'sasteelyprideinselfrestraint，anobilityofchastity，butonlyforthosewhoseeandthinkandact——untrammeledandunafraid。Theotherthing，thecurrentthing，why！it\'sworthasmuchasthechastityofamonkeykeptinacagebyitself！\"Iputmyfootinachair，andurgedmycaseuponhim。\"Thisisadirtyworld，Britten，simplybecauseitisamuddledworld，andthethingyoucallmoralityisdirtiernowthanthethingyoucallimmorality。Whydon\'tthemoralistspicktheirstuffoutoftheslimeiftheycareforit，andwipeit？——damnthem！Iamburningnowtosay：\'Yes，wedidthisandthis，\'toalltheworld。Alltheworld！……Iwill！\"
Brittenrubbedthepalmofhishandonthecornerofhisdesk。
\"That\'sallverywell，Remington，\"hesaid。\"Youmeantogo。\"
Hestoppedandbeganagain。\"Ifyoudidn\'tknowyouwereinthewrongyouwouldn\'tbesodamnedrhetorical。You\'reinthewrong。
It\'sasplaintoyouasitistome。You\'releavingabigwork，you\'releavingawifewhotrustedyou，togoandlivewithyourjollymistress……Youwon\'tseeyou\'reastatesmanthatmatters，thatnosingleman，maybe，mightcometosuchinfluenceasyouinthenexttenyears。You\'rethrowingyourselfawayandaccusingyourcountryofrejectingyou。\"
Heswungrounduponhisswivelatme。\"Remington，\"hesaid，\"haveyouforgottentheimmensethingsourmovementmeans？\"
Ithought。\"PerhapsIamrhetorical，\"Isaid。
\"Butthethingswemightachieve！Ifyou\'donlystaynow——evennow！
Oh！you\'dsufferalittlesocially，butwhatofthat？You\'dbeabletogoon——perhapsallthebetterforhostilityofthekindyou\'dget。Youknow，Remington——youKNOW。\"
Ithoughtandwentbacktohisearlierpoint。\"IfIamrhetorical，atanyrateit\'salivingfeelingbehindit。Yes，Irememberalltheimplicationsofouraims——verysplendid，veryremote。Butjustnowit\'sratherlikeofferingtogiveafreezingmanthesunlitHimalayasfromendtoendinreturnforhiscamp-fire。Whenyoutalkofmeandmyjollymistress，itisn\'tfair。Thatmisrepresentseverything。I\'mnotgoingoutofthis——fordelights。That\'sthesortofthingmenlikeSnufflesandKeyholeimagine——thatexcitesthem！WhenIthinkofthethingsthesecreaturesthink！Ugh！ButYOUknowbetter？Youknowthatphysicalpassionthatburnslikeafire——endsclean。I\'mgoingforlove，Britten——ifIsinnedforpassion。I\'mgoing，Britten，becausewhenIsawhertheotherdaysheHURTme。Shehurtmedamnably，Britten……I\'vebeenacoldman——I\'veledarhetoricallife——youhitmewiththatword！——Iputthingsinawindyway，Iknow，butwhathasgotholdofmeatlastisherpain。She\'sill。Don\'tyouunderstand？She\'sasickthing——
aweakthing。She\'snomoreagoddessthanI\'magod……I\'mnotinlovewithhernow；I\'mRAWwithloveforher。Ifeellikeamanthat\'sbeenflayed。Ihavebeenflayed……Youdon\'tbegintoimaginethesortofhelplesssolicitude……She\'snotgoingtodothingseasily；she\'sill。Hercouragefails……It\'shardtoputthingswhenoneisn\'trhetorical，butit\'sthis，Britten——
therearedistressesthatmattermorethanallthedelightsorachievementsintheworld……Imadeherwhatsheis——asInevermadeMargaret。I\'vemadeher——I\'vebrokenher……I\'mgoingwithmyownwoman。TherestofmylifeandEngland，andsoforth，mustsquareitselftothat……\"
Foralongtime，asitseemed，weremainedsilentandmotionless。
We\'dsaidallwehadtosay。Myeyescaughtaprintedslipuponthedeskbeforehim，andIcamebackabruptlytothepaper。
Ipickedupthisgalleyproof。ItwasoneofWinter\'sessays。
\"Thismangoesondoingfirst-ratestuff，\"Isaid。\"Ihopeyouwillkeephimgoing。\"
Hedidnotanswerforamomentorso。\"I\'llkeephimgoing，\"hesaidatlastwithasigh。
5
IhavealetterMargaretwrotemewithinaweekofourflight。I
cannotresisttranscribingsomeofithere，becauseitlightsthingsasnowordofminecando。Itisastringofnearlyinconsecutivethoughtswritteninpencilinafine，tall，sprawlinghand。Itsveryinconsecutivenessisessential。Manywordsareunderlined。Itwasinanswertoonefromme；butwhatIwrotehaspassedutterlyfrommymind……
\"Certainly，\"shesays，\"Iwanttohearfromyou，butIdonotwanttoseeyou。There\'sasortofabstractYOUthatIwanttogoonwith。SomethingI\'vemadeoutofyou……Iwanttoknowthingsaboutyou——butIdon\'twanttoseeorfeelorimagine。WhensomedayIhavegotridofmyintolerablesenseofproprietorship，itmaybedifferent。Thenperhapswemaymeetagain。IthinkitisevenmorethelossofourpoliticalworkanddreamsthatIamfeelingthanthelossofyourpresence。Achingloss。IthoughtsomuchofthethingswewereDOINGfortheworld——hadgivenmyselfsounreservedly。You\'veleftmewithnothingtoDO。Iamsuddenlyatlooseends……
\"Wewomenaretrainedtobesodependentonaman。I\'vegotnolifeofmyownatall。ItseemsnowtomethatIworemyclothesevenforyouandyourschemes……
\"AfterIhavetoldmyselfahundredtimeswhythishashappened，I
askagain，\'Whydidhegivethingsup？Whydidhegivethingsup？\'……
\"Itisjustasthoughyouwerewilfullydead……
\"ThenIaskagainandagainwhetherthisthingneedhavehappenedatall，whetherifIhadhadawarning，ifIhadunderstoodbetter，I
mightnothaveadaptedmyselftoyourrestlessmindandmadethiscatastropheimpossible……
\"Oh，mydear！whyhadn\'tyoutheplucktohurtmeatthebeginning，andtellmewhatyouthoughtofmeandlife？Youdidn\'tgivemeachance；notachance。Isupposeyoucouldn\'t。AllthesethingsyouandIstoodawayfrom。Youletmyfirstrepugnancesrepelyou……
\"ItisstrangetothinkafteralltheseyearsthatIshouldbeaskingmyself，doIloveyou？haveIlovedyou？InasenseIthinkIHATEyou。Ifeelyouhavetakenmylife，draggeditinyourwakeforatime，thrownitaside。Iamresentful。Unfairlyresentful，forwhyshouldIexactthatyoushouldwatchandunderstandmylife，whenclearlyIhaveunderstoodsolittleofyours。ButIamsavage——
savageatthewreckingofallyouweretodo。
\"Oh，why——whydidyougivethingsup？
\"Nohumanbeingishisowntodowhathelikeswith。Youwerenotonlypledgedtomytiresome，ineffectualcompanionship，buttogreatpurposes。TheyAREgreatpurposes……
\"IfonlyIcouldtakeupyourworkasyouleaveit，withthestrengthyouhad——thenindeedIfeelIcouldletyougo——youandyouryoungmistress……Allthatmatterssolittletome……
\"YetIthinkImustindeedloveyouyourselfinmyslowerway。AttimesIammadwithjealousyatthethoughtofallIhadn\'tthewittogiveyou……I\'vealwayshiddenmytearsfromyou——andwhatwasinmyheart。It\'smynaturetohide——andyou，youwantthingsbroughttoyoutosee。Youaresocuriousastobealmostcruel。
Youdon\'tunderstandreserves。Youhavenomercywithrestraintsandreservations。YouarcnotreallyaCIVILISEDmanatall。Youhatepretences——andnotonlypretencesbutdecentcoverings……
\"It\'sonlyafteronehaslostloveandthechanceoflovingthatslowpeoplelikemyselffindwhattheymighthavedone。Whywasn\'tIboldandrecklessandabandoned？It\'sasreasonabletoaskthat，Isuppose，astoaskwhymyhairisfair……
\"IgoonwiththeseperhapsesoverandoveragainherewhenIfindmyselfalone……
\"Mydear，mydear，youcan\'tthinkofthedesolationofthings——I
shallnevergobacktothathousewefurnishedtogether，thatwastohavebeenthelaboratorydoyouremembercallingitalaboratory？
inwhichyouweretoforgesomuchoftheneworder……
\"But，dear，ifIcanhelpyou——evennow——inanyway——helpbothofyou，Imean……IttearsmewhenIthinkofyoupooranddiscredited。YouwillletmehelpyouifIcan——itwillbethelastwrongnottoletmedothat……
\"Youhadbetternotgetill。Ifyoudo，andIhearofit——Ishallcomeafteryouwithatroupeofdoctor\'sandnurses。IfIamafailureasawife，noonehaseversaidIwasanythingbutasuccessasadistrictvisitor……\"
Thereareothersheets，butIcannottellwhethertheywerewrittenbeforeoraftertheonesfromwhichIhavequoted。Andmostofthemhavelittlethingstoointimatetosetdown。Butthisoddlypenetratinganalysisofourdifferencesmust，Ithink，begiven。
\"ThereareallsortsofthingsIcan\'texpressaboutthisandwantto。There\'sthisdifferencethathasalwaysbeenbetweenus，thatyoulikenakednessandwildness，andI，clothingandrestraint。Itgoesthrougheverything。YouarealwaysTALKINGoforderandsystem，andthesplendiddreamoftheorderthatmightreplacethemuddledsystemyouhate，butbyasortofinstinctyouseemtowanttobreakthelaw。I\'vewatchedyousoclosely。NowIwanttoobeylaws，tomakesacrifices，tofollowrules。Idon\'twanttomake，butIdowanttokeep。Youareatoncemakersandrebels，youandIsabeltoo。You\'rebadpeople——criminalpeople，Ifeel，andyetfullofsomethingtheworldmusthave。You\'resomuchbetterthanme，andsomuchviler。Itmaybethereisnomakingwithoutdestruction，butitseemstomesometimesthatitisnothingbutaninstinctforlawlessnessthatdrivesyou。Youremindme——doyouremember？——ofthattimewewentfromNaplestoVesuvius，andwalkedoverthehotnewlavathere。DoyourememberhowtiredIwas？I
knowitdisappointedyouthatIwastired。Onewalkedthereinspiteoftheheatbecausetherewasacrust；likecustom，likelaw。
Butdirectlyacrustformsonthings，youarerestlesstobreakdowntothefireagain。Youtalkofbeauty，bothofyou，assomethingterrible，mysterious，imperative。YOURbeautyissomethingaltogetherdifferentfromanythingIknoworfeel。Ithaspaininit。YetyoualwaysspeakasthoughitwassomethingIoughttofeelandamdishonestnottofeel。MYbeautyisaquietthing。Youhavealwayslaughedatmyfeelingforold-fashionedchintzandbluechinaandSheraton。ButIlikeallthesefamiliarUSEDthings。MybeautyisSTILLbeauty，andyours，isexcitement。Iknownothingofthefascinationofthefire，orwhyoneshouldgodeliberatelyoutofallthedecentfinethingsoflifetorundangersandbesingedandtormentedanddestroyed。Idon\'tunderstand……\"
6
IrememberveryfreshlythemoodofourdeparturefromLondon，theplatformofCharingCrosswiththebigilluminatedclockoverhead，thebustleofportersandpassengerswithluggage，theshoutingofnewsboysandboyswithflowersandsweets，andthegroupsoffriendsseeingtravellersoffbytheboattrain。Isabelsatveryquietandstillinthecompartment，andIstoodupontheplatformwiththedooropen，withacuriousreluctancetotakethelaststepthatshouldsevermefromLondon\'sground。Ishowedourtickets，andboughtahandfulofredrosesforher。Atlastcametheguardscrying：\"Takeyourseats，\"andIgotinandclosedthedooronme。
Wehad，thankHeaven！acompartmenttoourselves。Iletdownthewindowandstaredout。
Therewasabustleoffinaladieuxontheplatform，acryof\"Standaway，please，standaway！\"andthetrainwasglidingslowlyandsmoothlyoutofthestation。
Ilookedoutupontheriverasthetrainrumbledwithslowlygatheringpaceacrossthebridge，andthebobbingblackheadsofthepedestriansinthefootway，andthecurveoftheriverandtheglowinggreathotels，andthelightsandreflectionsandblacknessesofthatold，familiarspectacle。Thenwithacommonthought，weturnedoureyeswestwardtowherethepinnaclesofWestminsterandtheshiningclocktowerrosehardandclearagainstthestill，luminoussky。
\"They\'llbeinCommitteeontheReformatoryBillto-night，\"Isaid，alittlestupidly。
\"Andso，\"Iadded，\"good-byetoLondon！\"
Wesaidnomore，butwatchedthesouth-sidestreetsbelow——brightgleamsoflightsandmovement，andthedark，dim，monstrousshapesofhousesandfactories。WeranthroughWaterlooStation，LondonBridge，NewCross，St。John\'s。Wesaidneveraword。Itseemedtomethatforatimewehadexhaustedouremotions。Wehadescaped，wehadcutourknot，wehadacceptedthelastpenaltyofthatheadlongreturnofminefromChicagoayearandahalfago。Thatwasallsettled。Thatharvestoffeelingswehadreaped。IthoughtnowonlyofLondon，ofLondonasthesymbolofallwewereleavingandallwehadlostintheworld。Ifeltnothingnowbutanenormousandoverwhelmingregret……
Thetrainswayedandrattledonitsway。WeranthrougholdBromstead，whereonceIhadplayedwithcitiesandarmiesonthenurseryfloor。Thesprawlingsuburbswiththeirscatteredlightsgavewaytodimtree-setcountryunderacloud-veiled，intermittentlyshiningmoon。WepassedCardcasterPlace。PerhapsoldWardingham，thatpillaroftheoldConservatives，wasthere，frettingoverhisunsuccessfulstrugglewithouryoungToryism。
Littlehereckedofthisnewturnofthewheelandhowitwouldconfirmhiscontemptofallournovelties。Perhapssomefaintintimationdrewhimtothewindowtoseebehindthestemsoftheyoungfirtreesthatborderedhisdomain，thelittlestringoflightedcarriagewindowsglidingsouthward……
SuddenlyIbegantorealisejustwhatitwasweweredoing。
Andnow，indeed，IknewwhatLondonhadbeentome，LondonwhereI
hadbeenbornandeducated，theslovenlymotherofmymindandallmyambitions，Londonandtheempire！Itseemedtomewemustbegoingouttoaworldthatwasutterlyempty。Alloursignificancefellfromus——andbeforeuswasnomeaninganymore。WewereleavingLondon；myhand，whichhadgrippedsohungrilyuponitscomplexlife，hadbeenforcedfromit，myfingerslefttheirhold。
Thatwasover。Ishouldneverhaveavoiceinpublicaffairsagain。
Theinexorableunwrittenlawwhichforbidsovertscandalsentencedme。Weweregoingouttoanewlife，alifethatappearedinthatmomenttobeamereshrivelledremnantofme，amereresiduumofshelteringandfeedingandseeingamidstaliensceneryandthesoundofunfamiliartongues。Weweregoingtolivecheaplyinaforeignplace，socutoffthatImeetnowthemereststraytourist，thecommonesttweed-cladstrangerwithamixtureofshynessandhunger……
AndsuddenlyalltheschemesIwasleavingappearedfineandadventurousandhopefulastheyhadneverdonebefore。HowgreatwasthispurposeIhadrelinquished，thisboldandsubtleremakingoftheEnglishwill！Ihaddoubtedsomanythings，andnowsuddenlyIdoubtedmyunimportance，doubtedmyrighttothissuicidalabandonment。WasInotatrustedmessenger，greatlytrustedandfavoured，whohadturnedasidebytheway？HadInot，afterall，stoodforfarmorethanIhadthought；wasInotfilchingfromthatdeargreatcityofmybirthandlife，somevitallynecessarything，akey，alink，areconcilingclueinherpoliticaldevelopment，thatnowshemightseekvaguelyforinvain？WhatisonelifeagainsttheState？OughtInottohavesacrificedIsabelandallmypassionandsorrowforIsabel，andheldtomything——stucktomything？
IheardasthoughhehadspokenitinthecarriageBritten\'s\"ItWAS
agoodgame。Noendofagame。AndforthefirsttimeIimaginedthefacesandvoicesofCruppandEsmeerandGanewhentheylearntofthissecretflight，thisflightofwhichtheywerequiteunwarned。AndShoesmithmighthethereinthehouse，——Shoesmithwhowastohavebeenmarriedinfourdays——thethingmighthithimfullinfrontofanykindofpeople。Crueleyesmightwatchhim。Whythedevilhadn\'tIwrittenletterstowarnthemall？Icouldhavepostedthemfiveminutesbeforethetrainstarted。Ihadneverthoughttothatmomentoftheimmensemesstheywouldbein；howthewholeedificewouldclatterabouttheirears。Ihadasuddendesiretostopthetrainandgobackforaday，fortwodays，tosetthatnegligenceright。Mybrainforamomentbrightened，becameanimatedandprolificofideas。IthoughtofabrilliantlinewemighthavetakenonthatconfoundedReformatoryBill……
Thatsortofthingwasover……
Whatindeedwasn\'tover？Ipassedtoavaguer，moremultitudinousperceptionofdisaster，thefriendsIhadlostalreadysinceAltiorabeganhercampaign，theamplerremnantwhomnowImustlose。I
thoughtofpeopleIhadbeenmerrywith，peopleIhadworkedwithandplayedwith，thecompanionsoftalkativewalks，thehostessesofhousesthathadonceglowedwithwelcomeforusboth。Iperceivedwemustlosethemall。Isawlifelikeatreeinlateautumnthathadoncebeenrichandsplendidwithfriends——andnowthelastbravedearswouldbehangingondoubtfullyagainstthefrostychilloffacts，twistingandtorturedintheuniversalgaleofindignation，tryingtoevadethecoldblastofthetruth。Ihadbetrayedmyparty，myintimatefriend，mywife，thewifewhosedevotionhadmademewhatIwas。ForawhilethefigureofMargaret，remote，wounded，shamed，dominatedmymind，andthethoughtofmyimmenseingratitude。Damnthem！they\'dtakeitoutofhertoo。IhadafeelingthatIwantedtogostraightbackandgripsomeonebythethroat，someonetalkingillofMargaret。They\'dblameherfornotkeepingme，forlettingthingsgosofar……Iwantedthewholeworldtoknowhowfineshewas。Isawinimaginationthebusy，exciteddinnertablesatworkuponusall，ratherpleasantlyexcited，brightlyindignant，merciless。
Well，it\'sthestuffweare！……
Thensuddenly，stabbingmetotheheart，cameavisionofMargaret\'stearsandthesoundofhervoicesaying，\"Husbandmine！Oh！husbandmine！Toseeyoucry！\"……
Icameoutofacloudofthoughtstodiscoverthenarrowcompartment，withitsfeeblelampoverhead，andourrugsandhand-
baggageswayingontherack，andIsabel，verystillinfrontofme，grippingmywiltingredrosestightlyinherbareandringlesshand。
ForamomentIcouldnotunderstandherattitude，andthenI
perceivedshewassittingbenttogetherwithherheadavertedfromthelighttohidethetearsthatwerestreamingdownherface。ShehadnotgotherhandkerchiefoutforfearthatIshouldseethis，butIsawhertears，darkdropsoftears，uponhersleeve……
Isupposeshehadbeenwatchingmyexpression，diviningmythoughts。
ForatimeIstaredatherandwasmotionless，inasortofstillandwearyamazement。Whyhadwedonethisinjurytooneanother？
WHY？Thensomethingstirredwithinme。
\"ISABEL！\"Iwhispered。
Shemadenosign。
\"Isabel！\"Irepeated，andthencrossedovertoherandcreptcloselytoher，putmyarmabouther，anddrewherwetcheektomine。
End