PrefacePoorDearMammaTheWorldWithoutTheTentsofKedarWithAnyAmazementTheGardenofEdenFatimaTheValleyoftheShadowTheSwellingofJordanPrefaceToTHEADDRESSOF
CAPTAINJ。MAFFLIN，DukeofDerry\'s（Pink）Hussars。
DEARMAFFLIN，-YouwillrememberthatIwrotethisstoryasanAwfulWarning。NonethelessyouhaveseenfittodisregarditandhavefollowedGadsby\'sexample——asIbettedyouwould。I
acknowledgethatyoupaidthemoneyatonce，butyouhaveprejudicedthemindofMrs。Mafflinagainstmyself，forthoughI
amalmosttheonlyrespectablefriendofyourbachelordays，shehasbeendarwazabandtomethroughouttheseason。Further，shecausedyoutoinvitemetodinnerattheClub，whereyoucalledme\"awildassofthedesert，\"andwenthomeathalf-pastten，afterdiscoursingfortwentyminutesontheresponsibilitiesofhousekeeping。Younowdriveamail-phaetonandsitunderaChurchofEnglandclergyman。Iamnotangry，Jack。Itisyourkismet，asitwasGaddy\'s，andhiskismetwhocanavoid？DonotthinkthatIammovedbyaspiritofrevengeasIwrite，thuspublicly，thatyouandyoualoneareresponsibleforthisbook。Inotherandmoreexpansivedays，whenyoucouldlookatamagnumwithoutflushingandatacherootwithoutturningwhite，yousuppliedmewithmostofthematerial。Takeitbackagain-wouldthatIcouldhavepreservedyourfatherlessspeechinthetelling-takeitback，andbyyourslipperedhearthreadittothelateMissDeercourt。Shewillnotbeanythemorewillingtoreceivemycards，butshewilladmireyouimmensely，andyou，Ifeelsure，willloveme。Youmayeveninvitemetoanotherverybaddinner-attheClub，which，asyouandyourwifeknow，isasafeneutralgroundfortheentertainmentofwildasses。Then，myverydearhypocrite，weshallbequits。
Yoursalways，RUDYARDKIPLING。
P。S-OnsecondthoughtsIshouldrecommendyoutokeepthebookawayfromMrs。Mafflin。
POORDEARMAMMA
Thewildhawktothewind-sweptsky，Thedeertothewholesomewold，Andtheheartofamantotheheartofamaid，Asitwasinthedaysofold。GypsySong。
SCENE-InteriorofMissMINNIETHREEGAN\'SBedroomatSimla。MissTHREEGAN，inwindow-seat，turningoveradrawerfulofthings。MissEMMADEERCOURT，bosom-friend，whohascometospendtheday，sittingonthebed，manipulatingthebodiceofaballroomfrock，andabunchofartificialliliesofthevalley。Time，5:30P。M。onahotMayafternoon。
MissDEERCOURT。Andhesaid:\"Ishallneverforgetthisdance，\"and，ofcourse，Isaid:\"Oh，howcanyoubesosilly！\"Doyouthinkhemeantany-thing，dear？
MissTHREEGAN。（Extractinglonglavendersilkstockingfromtherubbish。）YouknowhimbetterthanIdo。
MissD。Oh，dobesympathetic，Minnie！I\'msurehedoes。AtleastIwouldbesureifhewasn\'talwaysridingwiththatodiousMrs。
Hagan。
MissT。Isupposeso。Howdoesonemanagetodancethroughone\'sheelsfirst？Lookatthis-isn\'titshameful？（Spreadsstocking-heelonopenhandforinspection。）
MissD。Nevermindthat！Youcan\'tmendit。Helpmewiththishatefulbodice。I\'verunthestringso，andI\'verunthestringso，andIcan\'tmakethefulnesscomeright。Wherewouldyouputthis？
（Wavesliliesofthevalley。）
MissT。Ashighupontheshoulderaspossible。
MissD。AmIquitetallenough？IknowitmakesMayOlderlooklopsided。
MissT。Yes，butMayhasn\'tyourshoulders。Hersarelikeahock-bottle。
BEARER。（Rappingatdoor。）CaptainSahibaya。
MissD。（Jumpingupwildly，andhuntingforbodice，whichshehasdiscardedowingtotheheatoftheday。）CaptainSahib！WhatCaptainSahib？Oh，goodgracious，andI\'monlyhalfdressed！
Well，Isha\'n\'tbother。
MissT。（Calmly。）Youneedn\'t。Itisn\'tforus。That\'sCaptainGadsby。HeisgoingforaridewithMamma。Hegenerallycomesfivedaysoutoftheseven。
AGONIZEDVOICE。（Promaninnerapartment。）Minnie，runoutandgiveCaptainGadsbysometea，andtellhimIshallbereadyintenminutes；and，OMinnie，cometomeaninstant，there\'sadeargirl！
MissT。Oh，bother！（Aloud。）Verywell，Mamma。
Exit，andreappears，afterfiveminutes，flushed，andrubbingherfingers。
MissD。Youlookpink。Whathashappened？
MissT。（Inastagewhisper。）Atwenty-four-inchwaist，andshewon\'tletitout。Wherearemybangles？（Rummageronthetoilet-table，anddabsatherhairwithabrushintheinterval。）
MissD。WhoisthisCaptainGadsby？Idon\'tthinkI\'vemethim。
MissT。Youmusthave。HebelongstotheHarrarset。I\'vedancedwithhim，butI\'venevertalkedtohim。He\'sabigyellowman，justlikeanewly-hatchedchicken，withanenormousmoustache。Hewalkslikethis（imitatesCavalryswagger），andhegoes\"Ha-Hmmm！\"deepdowninhisthroatwhenhecan\'tthinkofanythingtosay。Mammalikeshim。Idon\'t。
MissD。（Abstractedly。）Doeshewaxthatmoustache？
MissT。（BusywithPowder-puff。）Yes，Ithinkso。Why？
MissD。（Bendingoverthebodiceandsewingfuriously。）Oh，nothing-only-MissT。（Sternly。）Onlywhat？Outwithit，Emma。
MissD。Well，MayOlger-she\'sengagedtoMr。Charteris，youknow-said-Promiseyouwon\'trepeatthis？
MissT。Yes，Ipromise。Whatdidshesay？
MissD。That-thatbeingkissed（witharush）withamanwhodidn\'twaxhismoustachewas-likeeatinganeggwithoutsalt。
MissT。（Atherfullheight，withcrushingscorn。）MayOlgerisahorrid，nastyThing，andyoucantellherIsaidso。I\'mgladshedoesn\'tbelongtomyset-Imustgoandfeedthisman！DoIlookpresentable？
MissD。Yes，perfectly。BequickandhandhimovertoyourMother，andthenwecantalk。Ishalllistenatthedoortohearwhatyousaytohim。
MissT。\'SureIdon\'tcare。I\'mnotafraidofCaptainGadsby。
Inproofofthisswingsintothedrawing-roomwithamannishstridefollowedbytwoshortsteps，whichProducestheeffectofarestivehorseentering。MissesCAPTAINGADSBY，whoissittingintheshadowofthewindow-curtain，andgazesroundhelplessly。
CAPTAINGADSBY。（Aside。）Thefilly，byJove！\'Mustha\'
pickedupthatactionfromthesire。（Aloud，rising。）Goodevening，MissThreegan。
MissT。（Consciousthatsheisflushing。）Goodevening，CaptainGadsby。Mammatoldmetosaythatshewillbereadyinafewminutes。Won\'tyouhavesometea？（Aside。）IhopeMammawillbequick。WhatamItosaytothecreature？（Aloudandabruptly。）
Milkandsugar？
CAPT。G。Nosugar，tha-anks，andverylittlemilk。Ha-Hmmm。
MissT。（Aside。）Ifhe\'sgoingtodothat，I\'mlost。Ishalllaugh。I
knowIshall！
CAPT。G。（Pullingathismoustacheandwatchingitsidewaysdownhisnose。）Ha-Hamm。（Aside。）\'Wonderwhatthelittlebeastcantalkabout。\'Mustmakeashotatit。
MissT。（Aside。）Oh，thisisagonizing。Imustsaysomething。
BothTogether。HaveyouBeen-CAPT。G。Ibegyourpardon。Youweregoingtosay-MissT。（Whohasbeenwatchingthemoustachewithawedfascination。）Won\'tyouhavesomeeggs？
CAPT。G。（Lookingbewilderedlyatthetea-table。）Eggs！（Aside。）
OHades！Shemusthaveanursery-teaatthishour。S\'posethey\'vewipedhermouthandsenthertomewhiletheMotherisgettingonherduds。（Aloud。）No，thanks。
MissT。（Crimsonwithconfusion。）Oh！Ididn\'tmeanthat。I
wasn\'tthinkingofmou-eggsforaninstant。Imeansalt。Won\'tyouhavesomesa-sweets？（Aside。）He\'llthinkmearavinglunatic。I
wishMammawouldcome。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Itwasanursery-teaandshe\'sashamedofit。ByJove！Shedoesn\'tlookhalfbadwhenshecolorsuplikethat。
（Aloud，helpinghimselffromthedish。）HaveyouseenthosenewchocolatesatPeliti\'s？
MissT。No，Imadethesemyself。Whataretheylike？
CAPT。G。These！De-licious。（Aside。）Andthat\'safact。
MissT。（Aside。）Oh，bother！he\'llthinkI\'mfishingforcompliments。（Aloud。）No，Peliti\'sofcourse。
CAPT。G。（Enthusiastically。）Nottocomparewiththese。Howd\'youmakethem？Ican\'tgetmykhansamahtounderstandthesimplestthingbeyondmuttonandfowl。
MissT。Yes？I\'mnotakhansamah，youknow。Perhapsyoufrightenhim。Youshouldneverfrightenaservant。Heloseshishead。It\'sverybadpolicy。
CAPT。G。He\'ssoawf\'lystupid。
MissT。（FoldingherhandsinherZap。）Youshouldcallhimquietlyandsay:\"Okhansamahjee！\"
CAPT。G。（Gettinginterested。）Yes？（Aside。）Fancythatlittlefeatherweightsaying，\"Okhansamahjee\"tomybloodthirstyMirKhan！
MissTThenyoushouldexplainthedinner，dishbydish。
CAPT。G。ButIcan\'tspeakthevernacular。
MissT。（Patronizingly。）YoushouldpasstheHigherStandardandtry。
CAPT。G。Ihave，butIdon\'tseemtobeanythewiser。Areyou？
MissT。IneverpassedtheHigherStandard。Butthekhansamahisverypatientwithme。Hedoesn\'tgetangrywhenItalkaboutsheep\'stopees，orordermaundsofgrainwhenImeanseers。
CAPT。G。（Asidewithintenseindignation。）I\'dliketoseeMirKhanbeingrudetothatgirl！Hullo！SteadytheBuffs！（Aloud。）
Anddoyouunderstandabouthorses，too？
MissT。Alittle-notverymuch。Ican\'tdoctorthem，butIknowwhattheyoughttoeat，andIaminchargeofourstable。
CAPT。G。Indeed！Youmighthelpmethen。WhatoughtamantogivehissaisintheHills？Myruffiansayseightrupees，becauseeverythingissodear。
MissT。Sixrupeesamonth，andonerupeeSimlaallowance-
neithermorenorless。Andagrass-cutgetssixrupees。That\'sbetterthanbuyinggrassinthebazar。
CAPT。G。（Admiringly。）Howdoyouknow？
MissT。Ihavetriedbothways。
CAPT。G。Doyouridemuch，then？I\'veneverseenyouontheMall。
MissT。（Aside。）Ihaven\'tpassedhimmorethanfiftytimes。
（Aloud。）Nearlyeveryday。
CAPT。G。ByJove！Ididn\'tknowthat。Ha-Hamm（Pullsathismousacheandissilentforfortyseconds。）MissT。（Desperately，andwonderingwhatwillhappennext。）Itlooksbeautiful。I
shouldn\'ttouchitifIwereyou。（Aside。）It\'sallMamma\'sfaultfornotcomingbefore。Iwillberude！
CAPT。G。（Bronzingunderthetanandbringingdownhishandveryquickly。）Eh！What-at！Oh，yes！Ha！Ha！（Laughsuneasily。）
（Aside。）Well，ofallthedashedcheek！Ineverhadawomansaythattomeyet。Shemustbeacoolhandorelse-Ah！thatnursery-tea！
VOICEPROMTHEUNKNOWN。Tchk！Tchk！Tchk！
CAPT。G。Goodgracious！What\'sthat？
MissT。Thedog，Ithink。（Aside。）Emmahasbeenlistening，andI\'llneverforgiveher！
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Theydon\'tkeepdogshere。（Aloud。）\'Didn\'tsoundlikeadog，didit？
MissT。Thenitmusthavebeenthecat。Let\'sgointotheveranda。
Whatalovelyeveningitis！
Stepsintoverandaandlooksoutacrossthehillsintosunset。TheCAPTAINfollows。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Superbeyes！IwonderthatInevernoticedthembefore！（Aloud。）There\'sgoingtoheadanceatViceregalLodgeonWednesday。Canyousparemeone？
MissT。（Shortly。）No！Idon\'twantanyofyourcharity-dances。
YouonlyaskmebecauseMammatoldyouto。IhopandIbump。
YouknowIdo！
CAPT。G。（Aside。）That\'strue，butlittlegirlsshouldn\'tunderstandthesethings。（Aloud。）No，onmyword，Idon\'t。Youdancebeautifully。
MissT。Thenwhydoyoualwaysstandoutafterhalfadozenturns？IthoughtofficersintheArmydidn\'ttellfibs。
CAPT。G。Itwasn\'tafib，believeme。Ireallydowantthepleasureofadancewithyou。
MissT。（Wickedly。）Why？Won\'tMammadancewithyouanymore？
CAPT。G。（Moreearnestlythanthenecessitydemands。）Iwasn\'tthinkingofyourMother。（Aside。）Youlittlevixen！
MissT。（Stilllookingoutofthewindow。）Eh？Oh，Ibegyourpardon。Iwasthinkingofsomethingelse。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Well！Iwonderwhatshe\'llsaynext。I\'veneverknownawomantreatmelikethisbefore。Imightbe——Dashit，I
mightbeanInfantrysubaltern！（Aloud。）Oh，pleasedon\'ttrouble。
I\'mnotworththinkingabout。Isn\'tyourMotherreadyyet？
MissT。Ishouldthinkso；butpromiseme，CaptainGadsby，youwon\'ttakepoordearMammatwiceroundJakkoanymore。Ittiresherso。
CAPT。G。Shesaysthatnoexercisetiresher。
MissT。Yes，butshesuffersafterward。Youdon\'tknowwhatrheumatismis，andyououghtn\'ttokeepheroutsolate，whenitgetschillintheevenings。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Rheumatism。Ithoughtshecameoffherhorseratherinabunch。Whew！Onelivesandlearns。（Aloud。）I\'msorrytohearthat。Shehasn\'tmentionedittome。
MissT。（Flurried。）Ofcoursenot！PoordearMammaneverwould。
Andyoumustn\'tsaythatItoldyoueither。Promisemethatyouwon\'t。Oh，CAPTAINGadsby，promisemeyouwon\'tI
CAPT。G。Iamdumb，or-Ishallbeassoonasyou\'vegivenmethatdance，andanother-ifyoucantroubleyourselftothinkaboutmeforaminute。
MissT。Butyouwon\'tlikeitonelittlebit。You\'llbeawfullysorryafterward。
CAPT。G。Ishalllikeitaboveallthings，andIshallonlybesorrythatIdidn\'tgetmore。（Aside。）NowwhatintheworldamI
saying？
MissT。Verywell。Youwillhaveonlyyourselftothankifyourtoesaretroddenon。ShallwesaySeven？
CAPT。G。AndEleven。（Aside。）Shecan\'tbemorethaneightstone，but，eventhen，it\'sanabsurdlysmallfoot。（Looksathisownridingboots。）
MissT。They\'rebeautifullyshiny。Icanalmostseemyfaceinthem。
CAPT。G。IwasthinkingwhetherIshouldhavetogooncrutchesfortherestofmylifeifyoutrodonmytoes。
MissT。Verylikely。WhynotchangeElevenforasquare？
CAPT。G。No，please！Iwantthembothwaltzes。Won\'tyouwritethemdown？
MissT。Jdon\'tgetsomanydancesthatIshallconfusethem。Youwillbetheoffender。
CAPT。G。Waitandsee！（Aside。）Shedoesn\'tdanceperfectly，perhaps，butMissT。Yourteamusthavegotcoldbythistime。Won\'tyouhaveanothercup？
CAPT。G。No，thanks。Don\'tyouthinkit\'spleasanteroutintheveranda？（Aside。）Ineversawhairtakethatcolorinthesunshinebefore。（Aloud。）It\'slikeoneofDicksee\'spictures。
MissT。YesIIt\'sawonderfulsunset，isn\'tit？（Bluntly。）ButwhatdoyouknowaboutDicksee\'spictures？
CAPT。G。IgoHomeoccasionally。AndIusedtoknowtheGalleries。（Nervously。）Youmustn\'tthinkmeonlyaPhilistinewith-amoustache。
MissT。Don\'t！Pleasedon\'t。I\'msosorryforwhatIsaidthen。Iwashorriblyrude。Itslippedoutbeforejthought。Don\'tyouknowthetemptationtosayfrightfulandshockingthingsjustforthemeresakeofsayingthem？I\'mafraidIgavewaytoit。
CAPT。G。（Watchingthegirlassheflushes。）IthinkIknowthefeeling。Itwouldbeterribleifweallyieldedtoit，wouldn\'tit？Forinstance，Imightsay-POORDEARMAMMA。（Entering，habited，hatted，andbooted。）Ah，CaptainGadsby？\'Sorrytokeepyouwaiting。\'Hopeyouhaven\'tbeenbored。\'Mylittlegirlbeentalkingtoyou？
MissT。（Aside。）I\'mnotsorryIspokeabouttherheumatism。I\'mnot！I\'mNOT！IonlywishedI\'dmentionedthecornstoo。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Whatashame！Iwonderhowoldsheis。Itneveroccurredtomebefore。（Aloud。）We\'vebeendiscussing\"Shakespeareandthemusicalglasses\"intheveranda。
MissT。（Aside。）Niceman！Heknowsthatquotation。Heisn\'taPhilistinewithamoustache。（Aloud。）Good-bye，CaptainGadsby。
（Aside。）Whatahugehandandwhatasqueeze！Idon\'tsupposehemeantit，buthehasdriventheringsintomyfingers。
POORDEARMAMMA。HasVermillioncomeroundyet？Oh，yes！CaptainGadsby，don\'tyouthinkthatthesaddleistoofarforward？（Theypassintothefrontveranda。）
CAPT。G。（Aside。）HowthedickensshouldIknowwhatsheprefers？Shetoldmethatshedotedonhorses。（Aloud。）Ithinkitis。
MissT。（Comingoutintofrontveranda。）Oh！BadBuldoo！I
mustspeaktohimforthis。Hehastakenupthecurbtwolinks，andVermillionbatesthat。（Passesoutandtohorse\'shead。）
CAPT。G。Letmedoit！
Miss。T。No，Vermillionunderstandsme。Don\'tyou，oldman？
（Loosescurb-chainskilfully，andpatshorseonnoseandthrottle。）
PoorVermillion！Didtheywanttocuthischinoff？There！
CaptainGadsbywatchestheinterludewithundisguisedadmiration。
POORDEARMAMMA。（TartlytoMissT。）You\'veforgottenyourguest，Ithink，dear。
MissT。Goodgracious！SoIhave！Good-bye。（Retreatsindoorshastily。）
POORDEARMAMMA。（Bunchingreinsinfingershamperedbytootightgauntlets。）CAPTAINGadsby！
CAPTAINGADSBYstoopsandmakesthefoot-rest。POOR
DEARMAMMAblunders，haltstoolong，andbreaksthroughit。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Can\'tholdupevenstoneforever。It\'sallyourrheumatism。（Aloud。）Can\'timaginewhyIwassoclumsy。
（Aside。）NowLittleFeatherweightwouldhavegoneuplikeabird。
Theyrideoatofthegarden。TheCaptainfallsback。
CAPT。G。（Aside。）Howthathabitcatchesherunderthearms！
Ugh！
POORDEARMAMMA。（Withthewornsmileofsixteenseasons，theworseforexchange。）You\'redullthisafternoon，CAPTAINGadsby。
CAPT。G。（Spurringupwearily。）Whydidyoukeepmewaitingsolong？
Etcetera，etcetera，etcetera。
（ANINTERVALOFTHREEWEEKS。）
GILDEDYOUTH。（SittingonrailingsoppositeTownHall。）
Hullo，Gandy！\'BeentrottingouttheGorgonzola！WeallthoughtitwastheGorganyou\'remashing。
CAPT。G。（Withwitheringemphasis。）Youyoungcub！Whatthe-
doesitmattertoyou？
ProceedstoreadGILDEDYOUTHalectureondiscretionanddeportment，whichcrumbleslatterlikeaChineseLantern。Departsfuming。
（FURTHERINTERVALOFFIVEWEEKS。）SCENE-ExteriorofNewSimlaLibraryonafoggyevening。MissTHREECANandMissDEERCOURT
meetamongthe\'rickshaws。MissT。iscarryingabundleofbooksunderherleftarm。
MissD。（Levelintonation。）Well？
Miss\'I\'。（Ascendingintonation。）Well？
MissD。（Capturingherfriend\'sleftarm，takingawayallthebooks，placingbooksin\'rickshaw，returningtoarm，securinghandbythirdfingerandinvestigating。）Well！Youbadgirl！Andyounevertoldme。
MissT。（Demurely。）He-he-heonlyspokeyesterdayafternoon。
MissD。Blessyou，dear！AndI\'mtobebridesmaid，aren\'tI？Youknowyoupromisedeversolongago。
MissT。Ofcourse。I\'lltellyouallaboutitto-morrow。（Getsinto\'rickshaw。）OEmma！
MissD。（Withintenseinterest。）Yes，dear？
MissT。（Piano。）It\'squitetrue——about-the-egg。
MissD。Whategg？
MissT。（Pianissimoprestissimo。）Theeggwithoutthesalt。
（Porte。）Chalogharkojaldi，jhampani！（Gohome，jhampani。）