talk，buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing!——\"Rock-a-
bybabyinthetreetop，\"forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee!Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors，too；foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning:Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours，andyourlittlevelvet-headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise，whatdidyoudo？[\"Goon!\"]Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn\'tamounttoanything!Why，onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising，irrepressible，brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease，youcan\'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon\'tyoueverprayfortwins。Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain\'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。
Yes，itwashightimeforatoast-mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop!Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead，Itrust，andthenthisflag，ifitstillsurviveandletushopeitmay，willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200，000，000souls，accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan——aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto-daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained，forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings，ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthemcradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething——thinkofit!——andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest，unarticulated，butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit，too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest——poorlittlechap!——andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet-nurse。Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying——anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly；andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60，000futureoffice-seekers，gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle，somewhereundertheflag，thefutureillustriouscommander-in-
chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth——anachievementwhich，meaningnodisrespect，theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty-sixyearsago；
andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman，therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。
SPEECHONTHEWEATHER
ATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY\'SSEVENTY-FIRSTANNUALDINNER，NEWYORKCITY
Thenexttoastwas:\"TheOldestInhabitant——TheWeatherofNewEngland。\"
Whocanloseitandforgetit？
Whocanhaveitandregretit？
Beinterposes\'twixtusTwain。
MerchantofVenice。
TothisSamuelL。ClemensMarkTwainrepliedasfollows:——
IreverentlybelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon\'tknowwhomakesthat，butIthinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather-clerk\'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow，inNewEngland，forboardandclothes，andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle，andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon\'tgetit。ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger\'sadmiration——andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere；
alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness；alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty-sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour-and-twentyhours。ItwasIthatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvelouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial，thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid，\"Don\'tyoudoit；youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。\"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle，variety，andquantity。Well，hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety，why，heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity——well，afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway，henotonlyhadweatherenough，butweathertospare；weathertohireout；weathertosell；todeposit；weathertoinvest；weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing，buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout\"BeautifulSpring。\"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors，whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse，andcannot，ofcourse，knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy，andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto-day\'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific，downSouth，intheMiddleStates，intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland，andthensee-histaildrop。Hedoesn\'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well，hemullsoverit，andbyandbyhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:
Probablenortheasttosouthwestminds，varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward，andpointsbetween，highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace；probableareasofrain，snow，hail，anddrought，succeededorprecededbyearthquakes，withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownthispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind，tocoveraccidents:\"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。\"Yes，oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit——aperfectgrandreview；butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought；youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout，andtwotooneyougetdrowned。
Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue；youstandfromunder，andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself，andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments；buttheycan\'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar；itissoconvincing，thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn\'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether——Well，you\'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable，andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw，andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance，strangerssay，\"Why，whatawfulthunderyouhavehere!\"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins，you\'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash-barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEnglandlengthways，Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime，whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick，youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringstates。Shecan\'tholdatenthpartofherweather。Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather，butI
willgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。
SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin，withaneyetothatluxury。Well，sir，doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No，sir；skipsiteverytime。Mind，inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather——nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But，afterall，thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweatheror，ifyouplease，effectsproduced，byitwhichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn\'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage，weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagariestheice-storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop——icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal；
wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice-beads，frozendewdrops，andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite，liketheShahofPersia\'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires，whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored，fromredtogreen，andgreentogold——thetreebecomesasprayingfountain，averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels；anditstandstheretheacme，theclimax，thesupremestpossibilityinartornature，ofbewildering，intoxicating，intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。
CONCERNINGTHEAMERICANLANGUAGE
TherewasasEnglishmaninourcompartment，andhecomplimentedmeon——
onwhat？Butyouwouldneverguess。HecomplimentedmeonmyEnglish。
HesaidAmericansingeneraldidnotspeaktheEnglishlanguageascorrectlyasIdid。IsaidIwasobligedtohimforhiscompliment，sinceIknewhemeantitforone，butthatIwasnotfairlyentitledtoit，forIdidnotspeakEnglishatall——IonlyspokeAmerican。
Helaughed，andsaiditwasadistinctionwithoutadifference。Isaidno，thedifferencewasnotprodigious，butstillitwasconsiderable。
Wefellintoafriendlydisputeoverthematter。IputmycaseaswellasIcould，andsaid:
\"Thelanguageswereidenticalseveralgenerationsago，butourchangedconditionsandthespreadofourpeoplefartothesouthandfartothewesthavemademanyalterationsinourpronunciation，andhaveintroducednewwordsamongusandchangedthemeaningsofmanyoldones。Englishpeopletalkthroughtheirnoses；wedonot。Wesayknow，Englishpeoplesaynao；wesaycow，theBritonsayskaow；we——\"
\"Oh，come!thatispureYankee；everybodyknowsthat。\"
\"Yes，itispureYankee；thatistrue。OnecannothearitinAmericaoutsideofthelittlecornercalledNewEngland，whichisYankeeland。
TheEnglishthemselvesplanteditthere，twohundredandfiftyyearsago，andthereitremains；ithasneverspread。ButEnglandtalksthroughhernoseyet；theLondonerandthebackwoodsNew-Englanderpronounce\'know\'
and\'cow\'alike，andthentheBritonunconsciouslysatirizeshimselfbymakingfunoftheYankee\'spronunciation。\"
Wearguedthispointatsomelength；nobodywon；butnomatter，thefactremainsEnglishmensaynaoandkaowfor\"know\"and\"cow，\"andthatiswhattherusticinhabitantofaverysmallsectionofAmericadoes。
\"Youconferredyour\'a\'uponNewEngland，too，andthereitremains；ithasnottraveledoutofthenarrowlimitsofthosesixlittlestatesinallthesetwohundredandfiftyyears。AllEnglandusesit，NewEngland\'ssmallpopulation-sayfourmillions-useit，butwehaveforty-
fivemillionswhodonotuseit。Yousay\'glahsofwawtah，\'sodoesNewEngland；atleast，NewEnglandsays\'glahs。\'Americaatlargeflattensthe\'a\'，andsays\'glassofwater。\'Thesesoundsarepleasanterthanyours；youmaythinktheyarenotright——well，inEnglishtheyarenotright，but\'American\'theyare。Yousay\'flahsk\'and\'bahsket，\'and\'jackahss\'；wesay\'flask，\'\'basket，\'\'jackass\'——soundingthe\'a\'asitisin\'tallow，\'\'fallow，\'andsoon。\'Uptoaslateas1847Mr。
Webster\'sDictionaryhadtheimpudencetostillpronounce\'basket\'
bahsket，whenheknewthatoutsideofhislittleNewEnglandallAmericashortenedthe\'a\'andpaidnoattentiontohisEnglishbroadeningofit。
However，itcalleditselfanEnglishDictionary，soitwasproperenoughthatitshouldsticktoEnglishforms，perhaps。ItstillcallsitselfanEnglishDictionarytoday，butithasquietlyceasedtopronounce\'basket\'
asifitwerespelt\'bahsket。\'IntheAmericanlanguagethe\'h\'isrespected；the\'h\'isnotdroppedoraddedimproperly。\"
\"ThesameisthecaseinEngland——Imeanamongtheeducatedclasses，ofcourse。\"
\"Yes，thatistrue；butanation\'slanguageisaverylargematter。
Itisnotsimplyamannerofspeechobtainingamongtheeducatedhandful；
themannerobtainingamongthevastuneducatedmultitudemustbeconsideredalso。YouruneducatedmassesspeakEnglish，youwillnotdenythat；ouruneducatedmassesspeakAmericanitwon\'tbefairforyoutodenythat，foryoucansee，yourself，thatwhenyourstable-boysays，\'Itisn\'tthe\'untingthat\'urtsthe\'orse，butthe\'ammer，\'ammer，\'ammeronthe\'ard\'ighway，\'andourstable-boymakesthesameremarkwithoutsuffocatingasingleh，thesetwopeoplearemanifestlytalkingtwodifferentlanguages。Butifthesignsaretohetrusted，evenyoureducatedclassesusedtodropthe\'h。\'Theysayhumble，now，andheroic，andhistoricetc。，butIjudgethattheyusedtodropthoseh\'sbecauseyourwritersstillkeepupthefashionofpattinganbeforethosewordsinsteadofa。ThisiswhatMr。Darwinmightcalla\'rudimentary\'signthatasanwasjustifiableonce，andusefulwhenyoureducatedclassesused，tosay\'umble，and\'eroic，and\'istorical。CorrectwritersoftheAmericanlanguagedonotputanbeforethreewords。\"
TheEnglishgentlemanhadsomethingtosayuponthismatter，butnevermindwhathesaid——I\'mnotarguinghiscase。Ihavehimatadisadvantage，now。Iproceeded:
\"InEnglandyouencourageanoratorbyexclaiming，\'H\'yaah!h\'yaah!\'
Wepronounceitheerinsomesections，\'h\'yer\'inothers，andsoon；butourwhitesdonotsay\'h\'yaah，\'pronouncingthea\'sliketheainah。
IhaveheardEnglishladiessay\'don\'tyou\'——makingtwoseparateanddistinctwordsofit；yourMr。Burnandhassatirizedit。Butwealwayssay\'dontchu。\'Thisismuchbetter。Yourladiessay，\'Oh，it\'sofulnice!\'Ourssay，\'Oh，it\'sawfulnice!\'Wesay，\'Fourhundred，\'yousay\'For\'——asinthewordor。Yourclergymenspeakof\'theLawd，\'oursof\'theLord\'；yoursspeakof\'thegawdsoftheheathen，\'oursof\'thegodsoftheheathen。\'Whenyouareexhausted，yousayyouare\'knockedup。\'
Wedon\'t。Whenyousayyouwilldoathing\'directly，\'youmean\'immediately\'；intheAmericanlanguage——generallyspeaking——thewordsignifies\'afteralittle。\'Whenyousay\'clever，\'youmean\'capable\'；
withusthewordusedtomean\'accommodating，\'butIdon\'tknowwhatitmeansnow。Yourword\'stout\'means\'fleshy\'；ourword\'stout\'usuallymeans\'strong。\'Yourwords\'gentleman\'and\'lady\'haveaveryrestrictedmeaning；withustheyincludethebarmaid，butcher，burglar，harlot，andhorse-thief。Yousay，\'Ihaven\'tgotanystockingson，\'\'Ihaven\'tgotanymemory，\'\'Ihaven\'tgotanymoneyinmypurse；weusuallysay，\'I
haven\'tanystockingson，\'\'Ihaven\'tanymemory，!\'\'Ihaven\'tanymoneyinmypurse。\'Yousay\'outofwindow\'；wealwaysputinathe。Ifoneasks\'Howoldisthatman？\'theBritonanswers，\'Hewillbeaboutforty\'；
intheAmericanlanguageweshouldsay，\'Heisaboutforty。\'However，Iwon\'ttireyou，sir；butifIwantedto，IcouldpileupdifferenceshereuntilInotonlyconvincedyouthatEnglishandAmericanareseparatelanguages，butthatwhenIspeakmynativetongueinitsutmostpurityanEnglishmancan\'tunderstandmeatall。\"
\"Idon\'twishtoflatteryou，butitisaboutallIcandotounderstandyounow。\"
Thatwasaveryprettycompliment，anditputusonthepleasantesttermsdirectly——IusethewordintheEnglishsense。
[Later——1882。Esthetesinmanyofourschoolsarenowbeginningtoteachthepupilstobroadenthe\'a，\'andtosay\"don\'tyou，\"intheelegantforeignway。]
ROGERS
ThisManRogershappeneduponmeandintroducedhimselfatthetownof——，intheSouthofEngland，whereIstayedawhile。Hisstepfatherhadmarriedadistantrelativeofminewhowasafterwardhanged；andsoheseemedtothinkabloodrelationshipexistedbetweenus。Hecameineverydayandsatdownandtalked。Ofallthebland，serenehumancuriositiesIeversaw，Ithinkhewasthechiefest。Hedesiredtolookatmynewchimney-pothat。Iwasverywilling，forIthoughthewouldnoticethenameofthegreatOxfordStreethatterinit，andrespectmeaccordingly。Butheturneditaboutwithasortofgravecompassion，pointedouttwoorthreeblemishes，andsaidthatI，beingsorecentlyarrived，couldnotbeexpectedtoknowwheretosupplymyself。Saidhewouldsendmetheaddressofhishatter。Thenhesaid，\"Pardonme，\"andproceededtocutaneatcircleofredtissuepaper；daintilynotchedtheedgesofit；tookthemucilageandpasteditinmyhatsoastocoverthemanufacturer\'sname。Hesaid，\"Noonewillknownowwhereyougotit。
Iwillsendyouahat-tipofmyhatter，andyoucanpasteitoverthistissuecircle。\"Itwasthecalmest，coolestthing——Ineveradmiredamansomuchinmylife。Mind，hedidthiswhilehisownhatsatoffensivelynearournoses，onthetable——anancientextinguisherofthe\"slouch\"
pattern，limpandshapelesswithage，discoloredbyvicissitudesoftheweather，andbandedbyanequatorofbear\'sgreasethathadstewedthrough。
Anothertimeheexaminedmycoat。Ihadnoterrors，forovermytailor\'sdoorwasthelegend，\"BySpecialAppointmentTailortoH。R。H。thePrinceofWales，\"etc。Ididnotknowatthetimethatthemostofthetailorshopshadthesamesignout，andthatwhereasittakesninetailorstomakeanordinaryman，ittakesahundredandfiftytomakeaprince。Hewasfullofcompassionformycoat。Wrotedowntheaddressofhistailorforme。Didnottellmetomentionmynomdeplumeandthetailorwouldputhisbestworkonmygarment，ascomplimentarypeoplesometimesdo，butsaidhistailorwouldhardlytroublehimselfforanunknownpersonunknownperson，whenIthoughtIwassocelebratedinEngland!——thatwasthecruelestcut，butcautionedmetomentionhisname，anditwouldbeallright。Thinkingtobefacetious，Isaid:
\"Buthemightsitupallnightandinjurehishealth。\"
\"Well，lethim，\"saidRogers；\"I\'vedoneenoughforhim，forhimtoshowsomeappreciationofit。\"
Imightaswellhavetriedtodisconcertamummywithmyfacetiousness。
SaidRogers:\"Igetallmycoatsthere——they\'retheonlycoatsfittobeseenin。\"
Imadeonemoreattempt。Isaid，\"Iwishyouhadbroughtonewithyou——
Iwouldliketolookatit。\"
\"Blessyourheart，haven\'tIgotoneon？——thisarticleisMorgan\'smake。\"
Iexaminedit。Thecoathadbeenboughtready-made，ofaChathamStreetJew，withoutanyquestion——about1848。Itprobablycostfourdollarswhenitwasnew。Itwasripped，itwasfrayed，itwasnaplessandgreasy。Icouldnotresistshowinghimwhereitwasripped。ItsoaffectedhimthatIwasalmostsorryIhaddoneit。Firstheseemedplungedintoabottomlessabyssofgrief。Thenherousedhimself，madeafeintwithhishandsasifwavingoffthepityofanation，andsaid——
withwhatseemedtomeamanufacturedemotion——\"Nomatter；nomatter；
don\'tmindme；donotbotheraboutit。Icangetanother。\"
Whenhewasthoroughlyrestored，sothathecouldexaminetheripandcommandhisfeelings，hesaid，ah，nowheunderstoodit——hisservantmusthavedoneitwhiledressinghimthatmorning。
Hisservant!Therewassomethingawe-inspiringineffronterylikethis。
Nearlyeverydayheinterestedhimselfinsomearticleofmyclothing。
Onewouldhardlyhaveexpectedthissortofinfatuationinamanwhoalwaysworethesamesuit，anditasuitthatseemedcoevalwiththeConquest。
Itwasanunworthyambition，perhaps，butIdidwishIcouldmakethismanadmiresomethingaboutmeorsomethingIdid——youwouldhavefeltthesameway。Isawmyopportunity:IwasabouttoreturntoLondon，andhad\"listed\"mysoiledlinenforthe，wash。Itmadequiteauimposingmountaininthecorneroftheroom——fifty-fourpieces。Ihopedhewouldfancyitwastheaccumulationofasingleweek。Itookupthewash-list，asiftoseethatitwasallright，andthentosseditonthetable，withpretendedforgetfulness。Sureenough，hetookit。upandranhiseyealongdowntothegrandtotal。Thenhesaid，\"Yougetoffeasy，\"andlaiditdownagain。
Hisgloveswerethesaddestruin，buthetoldmewhereIcouldgetsomelikethem。Hisshoeswouldhardlyholdwalnutswithoutleaking，buthelikedtoputhisfeetuponthemantelpieceandcontemplatethem。
Heworeadimglassbreastpin，whichhecalleda\"morphyliticdiamond\"——
whateverthatmaymean——andsaidonlytwoofthemhadeverbeenfound——theEmperorofChinahadtheotherone。
Afterward，inLondon，itwasapleasuretometoseethisfantasticvagabondcomemarchingintothelobbyofthehotelinhisgrand-ducalway，forhealwayshadsomenewimaginarygrandeurtodevelop——therewasnothingstaleabouthimbuthisclothes。Ifheaddressedmewhenstrangerswereabout，healwaysraisedhisvoicealittleandcalledme\"SirRichard，\"or\"General，\"or\"YourLordship\"——andwhenpeoplebegantostareandlookdeferential，hewouldfalltoinquiringinacasualwaywhyIdisappointedtheDukeofArgyllthenightbefore；andthenremindmeofourengagementattheDukeofWestminster\'sforthefollowingday。
Ithinkthatforthetimebeingthesethingswererealitiestohim。HeoncecameandinvitedmetogowithhimandspendtheeveningwiththeEarlofWarwickathistownhouse。IsaidIhadreceivednoformalinvitation。Hesaidthatthatwasofnoconsequence，theEarlhadnoformalitiesforhimorhisfriends。IaskedifIcouldgojustasIwas。
Hesaidno，thatwouldhardlydo；eveningdresswasrequisiteatnightinanygentleman\'shouse。HesaidhewouldwaitwhileIdressed，andthenwewouldgotohisapartmentsandIcouldtakeabottleofchampagneandacigarwhilehedressed。Iwasverywillingtoseehowthisenterprisewouldturnout，soIdressed，andwestartedtohislodgings。HesaidifIdidn\'tmindwewouldwalk。Sowetrampedsomefourmilesthroughthemudandfog，andfinallyfoundhis\"apartments\"；theyconsistedofasingleroomoverabarber\'sshopinabackstreet。Twochairs，asmalltable，anancientvalise，awash-basinandpitcherbothonthefloorinacorner，anunmadebed，afragmentofalooking-glass，andaflower-
pot，withaperishinglittlerosegeraniuminit，whichhecalledacenturyplant，andsaidithadnotbloomednowforupwardoftwocenturies——giventohimbythelateLordPalmerstonbeenofferedaprodigioussumforit——thesewerethecontentsoftheroom。Alsoabrasscandlestickandapartofacandle。Rogerslitthecandle，andtoldmetositdownandmakemyselfathome。HesaidhehopedIwasthirsty，becausehewouldsurprisemypalatewithanarticleofchampagnethatseldomgotintoacommoner\'ssystem；orwouldIprefersherry，orport？Saidhehadportinbottlesthatwereswathedinstratifiedcobwebs，everystratumrepresentingageneration。Andasforhiscigars——
well，Ishouldjudgeofthemmyself。Thenheputhisheadoutatthedoorandcalled:
\"Sackville!\"Noanswer。
\"Hi-Sackville!\"Noanswer。
\"Nowwhatthedevilcanhavebecomeofthatbutler？Ineverallowaservantto——Oh，confoundthatidiot，he\'sgotthekeys。Can\'tgetintotheotherroomswithoutthekeys。\"
Iwasjustwonderingathisintrepidityinstillkeepingupthedelusionofthechampagne，andtryingtoimaginehowhewasgoingtogetoutofthedifficulty。
NowhestoppedcallingSackvilleandbegantocall\"Anglesy。\"ButAnglesydidn\'tcome。Hesaid，\"Thisisthesecondtimethatthatequerryhasbeenabsentwithoutleave。To-morrowI\'lldischargehim。\"Nowhebegantowhoopfor\"Thomas，\"butThomasdidn\'tanswer。Thenfor\"Theodore，\"butnoTheodorereplied。
\"Well，Igiveitup，\"saidRogers。\"Theservantsneverexpectmeatthishour，andsothey\'realloffonalark。Mightgetalongwithouttheequerryandthepage，butcan\'thaveanywineorcigarswithoutthebutler，andcan\'tdresswithoutmyvalet。\"
Iofferedtohelphimdress，buthewouldnothearofit；andbesides，hesaidhewouldnotfeelcomfortableunlessdressedbyapractisedhand。
However，hefinallyconcludedthathewassucholdfriendswiththeEarlthatitwouldnotmakeanydifferencehowhewasdressed。Sowetookacab，hegavethedriversomedirections，andwestarted。Byandbywestoppedbeforealargehouseandgotout。Ineverhadseenthismanwithacollaron。Henowsteppedunderalampandgotavenerablepapercollaroutofhiscoatpocket，alongwithahoarycravat，andputthemon。Heascendedthestoop，andentered。Presentlyhereappeared，descendedrapidly，andsaid:
\"Come-quick!\"
Wehurriedaway，andturnedthecorner。
\"Nowwe\'resafe，\"hesaid，andtookoffhiscollarandcravatandreturnedthemtohispocket。
\"Madeamightynarrowescape，\"saidhe。
\"How？\"saidI。
\"B\'George，theCountesswasthere!\"
\"Well，whatofthat？——don\'tsheknowyou？\"
\"Knowme？Absolutelyworshipsme。Ijustdidhappentocatchaglimpseofherbeforeshesawme——andoutIshot。Haven\'tseenherfortwomonths——torushinonherwithoutanywarningmighthavebeenfatal。
Shecouldnothavestoodit。Ididn\'tknowshewasintown——thoughtshewasatthecastle。Letmeleanonyou——justamoment——there；nowIambetter——thankyou；thankyoueversomuch。Lordblessme，whatanescape!\"
SoInevergottocallontheEarl，afterall。ButImarkedthehouseforfuturereference。Itprovedtobeanordinaryfamilyhotel，withaboutathousandplebeiansroostinginit。
InmostthingsRogerswasbynomeansafool。Insomethingsitwasplainenoughthathewasafool，buthecertainlydidnotknowit。
Hewasinthe\"deadest\"earnestinthesematters。Hediedatsea，lastsummer，asthe\"EarlofRamsgate。\"