shewasbentupongoingasusual；sosheorderedthecarriage，andI
wentwithher:nothingloth，ofcourse，foratchurchImightlookwithoutfearofscornorcensureuponaformandfacemorepleasingtomethanthemostbeautifulofGod\'screations；Imightlistenwithoutdisturbancetoavoicemorecharmingthanthesweetestmusictomyears；ImightseemtoholdcommunionwiththatsoulinwhichIfeltsodeeplyinterested，andimbibeitspurestthoughtsandholiestaspirations，withnoalloytosuchfelicityexceptthesecretreproachesofmyconscience，whichwouldtoooftenwhisperthatIwasdeceivingmyownself，andmockingGodwiththeserviceofaheartmorebentuponthecreaturethantheCreator。
Sometimes，suchthoughtswouldgivemetroubleenough；butsometimesIcouldquietthemwiththinking-itisnottheman，itishisgoodnessthatIlove。\'Whatsoeverthingsarepure，whatsoeverthingsarelovely，whatsoeverthingsarehonestandofgoodreport，thinkonthesethings。\'WedowelltoworshipGodinHisworks；andIknownoneoftheminwhichsomanyofHisattributes-somuchofHisownspiritshines，asinthisHisfaithfulservant；whomtoknowandnottoappreciate，wereobtuseinsensibilityinme，whohavesolittleelsetooccupymyheart。
Almostimmediatelyaftertheconclusionoftheservice，MissMurrayleftthechurch。Wehadtostandintheporch，foritwasraining，andthecarriagewasnotyetcome。Iwonderedathercomingforthsohastily，forneitheryoungMelthamnorSquireGreenwasthere；
butIsoonfounditwastosecureaninterviewwithMr。Westonashecameout，whichhepresentlydid。Havingsalutedusboth，hewouldhavepassedon，butshedetainedhim；firstwithobservationsuponthedisagreeableweather，andthenwithaskingifhewouldbesokindastocomesometimeto-morrowtoseethegranddaughteroftheoldwomanwhokepttheporter\'slodge，forthegirlwasillofafever，andwishedtoseehim。Hepromisedtodoso。
\'Andatwhattimewillyoubemostlikelytocome，Mr。Weston？
Theoldwomanwillliketoknowwhentoexpectyou-youknowsuchpeoplethinkmoreabouthavingtheircottagesinorderwhendecentpeoplecometoseethemthanweareapttosuppose。\'
HerewasawonderfulinstanceofconsiderationfromthethoughtlessMissMurray。Mr。Westonnamedanhourinthemorningatwhichhewouldendeavour，tobethere。Bythistimethecarriagewasready，andthefootmanwaswaiting，withanopenumbrella，toescortMissMurraythroughthechurchyard。Iwasabouttofollow；butMr。
Westonhadanumbrellatoo，andofferedmethebenefitofitsshelter，foritwasrainingheavily。
\'No，thankyou，Idon\'tmindtherain，\'Isaid。Ialwayslackedcommonsensewhentakenbysurprise。
\'Butyoudon\'tLIKEit，Isuppose？-anumbrellawilldoyounoharmatanyrate，\'hereplied，withasmilethatshowedhewasnotoffended；asamanofworsetemperorlesspenetrationwouldhavebeenatsucharefusalofhisaid。Icouldnotdenythetruthofhisassertion，andsowentwithhimtothecarriage；heevenofferedmehishandongettingin:anunnecessarypieceofcivility，butIacceptedthattoo，forfearofgivingoffence。
Oneglancehegave，onelittlesmileatparting-itwasbutforamoment；butthereinIread，orthoughtIread，ameaningthatkindledinmyheartabrighterflameofhopethanhadeveryetarisen。
\'Iwouldhavesentthefootmanbackforyou，MissGrey，ifyou\'dwaitedamoment-youneedn\'thavetakenMr。Weston\'sumbrella，\'
observedRosalie，withaveryunamiableclouduponherprettyface。
\'Iwouldhavecomewithoutanumbrella，butMr。Westonofferedmethebenefitofhis，andIcouldnothaverefuseditmorethanIdidwithoutoffendinghim，\'repliedI，smilingplacidly；formyinwardhappinessmadethatamusing，whichwouldhavewoundedmeatanothertime。
Thecarriagewasnowinmotion。MissMurraybentforwards，andlookedoutofthewindowaswewerepassingMr。Weston。Hewaspacinghomewardsalongthecauseway，anddidnotturnhishead。
\'Stupidass!\'criedshe，throwingherselfbackagainintheseat。
\'Youdon\'tknowwhatyou\'velostbynotlookingthisway!\'
\'Whathashelost？\'
\'Abowfromme，thatwouldhaveraisedhimtotheseventhheaven!\'
Imadenoanswer。Isawshewasoutofhumour，andIderivedasecretgratificationfromthefact，notthatshewasvexed，butthatshethoughtshehadreasontobeso。Itmademethinkmyhopeswerenotentirelytheoffspringofmywishesandimagination。
\'ImeantotakeupMr。WestoninsteadofMr。Hatfield，\'saidmycompanion，afterashortpause，resumingsomethingofherusualcheerfulness。\'TheballatAshbyParktakesplaceonTuesday，youknow；andmammathinksitverylikelythatSirThomaswillproposetomethen:suchthingsareoftendoneintheprivacyoftheball-
room，whengentlemenaremosteasilyensnared，andladiesmostenchanting。ButifIamtobemarriedsosoon，Imustmakethebestofthepresenttime:IamdeterminedHatfieldshallnotbetheonlymanwhoshalllayhisheartatmyfeet，andimploremetoaccepttheworthlessgiftinvain。\'
\'IfyoumeanMr。Westontobeoneofyourvictims，\'saidI，withaffectedindifference，\'youwillhavetomakesuchoverturesyourselfthatyouwillfinditdifficulttodrawbackwhenheasksyoutofulfiltheexpectationsyouhaveraised。\'
\'Idon\'tsupposehewillaskmetomarryhim，norshouldIdesireit:thatwouldberathertoomuchpresumption!butIintendhimtofeelmypower。Hehasfeltitalready，indeed:butheshallACKNOWLEDGEittoo；andwhatvisionaryhopeshemayhave，hemustkeeptohimself，andonlyamusemewiththeresultofthem-foratime。\'
\'Oh!thatsomekindspiritwouldwhisperthosewordsinhisear，\'I
inwardlyexclaimed。Iwasfartooindignanttohazardareplytoherobservationaloud；andnothingmorewassaidaboutMr。Westonthatday，bymeorinmyhearing。Butnextmorning，soonafterbreakfast，MissMurraycameintotheschoolroom，wherehersisterwasemployedatherstudies，orratherherlessons，forstudiestheywerenot，andsaid，\'Matilda，Iwantyoutotakeawalkwithmeabouteleveno\'clock。\'
\'Oh，Ican\'t，Rosalie!Ihavetogiveordersaboutmynewbridleandsaddle-cloth，andspeaktotherat-catcherabouthisdogs:
MissGreymustgowithyou。\'
\'No，Iwantyou，\'saidRosalie；andcallinghersistertothewindow，shewhisperedanexplanationinherear；uponwhichthelatterconsentedtogo。
IrememberedthatelevenwasthehouratwhichMr。Westonproposedtocometotheporter\'slodge；andrememberingthat，Ibeheldthewholecontrivance。Accordingly，atdinner，IwasentertainedwithalongaccountofhowMr。Westonhadovertakenthemastheywerewalkingalongtheroad；andhowtheyhadhadalongwalkandtalkwithhim，andreallyfoundhimquiteanagreeablecompanion；andhowhemusthavebeen，andevidentlywas，delightedwiththemandtheiramazingcondescension，&；c。&；c。
chapter17
CHAPTERXVII-CONFESSIONS
ASIaminthewayofconfessionsImayaswellacknowledgethat，aboutthistime，IpaidmoreattentiontodressthaneverIhaddonebefore。Thisisnotsayingmuch-forhithertoIhadbeenalittleneglectfulinthatparticular；butnow，also，itwasnouncommonthingtospendasmuchastwominutesinthecontemplationofmyownimageintheglass；thoughInevercouldderiveanyconsolationfromsuchastudy。Icoulddiscovernobeautyinthosemarkedfeatures，thatpalehollowcheek，andordinarydarkbrownhair；theremightbeintellectintheforehead，theremightbeexpressioninthedarkgreyeyes，butwhatofthat？-alowGrecianbrow，andlargeblackeyesdevoidofsentimentwouldbeesteemedfarpreferable。Itisfoolishtowishforbeauty。Sensiblepeoplenevereitherdesireitforthemselvesorcareaboutitinothers。
Ifthemindbebutwellcultivated，andtheheartwelldisposed，nooneevercaresfortheexterior。Sosaidtheteachersofourchildhood；andsosaywetothechildrenofthepresentday。Allveryjudiciousandproper，nodoubt；butaresuchassertionssupportedbyactualexperience？
Wearenaturallydisposedtolovewhatgivesuspleasure，andwhatmorepleasingthanabeautifulface-whenweknownoharmofthepossessoratleast？Alittlegirllovesherbird-Why？
Becauseitlivesandfeels；becauseitishelplessandharmless？Atoad，likewise，livesandfeels，andisequallyhelplessandharmless；
butthoughshewouldnothurtatoad，shecannotloveitlikethebird，withitsgracefulform，softfeathers，andbright，speakingeyes。Ifawomanisfairandamiable，sheispraisedforbothqualities，butespeciallytheformer，bythebulkofmankind:
if，ontheotherhand，sheisdisagreeableinpersonandcharacter，herplainnessiscommonlyinveighedagainstashergreatestcrime，because，tocommonobservers，itgivesthegreatestoffence；while，ifsheisplainandgood，providedsheisapersonofretiredmannersandsecludedlife，nooneeverknowsofhergoodness，exceptherimmediateconnections。Others，onthecontrary，aredisposedtoformunfavourableopinionsofhermind，anddisposition，ifitbebuttoexcusethemselvesfortheirinstinctivedislikeofonesounfavouredbynature；andVISAVERSA
withherwhoseangelformconcealsaviciousheart，orshedsafalse，deceitfulcharmoverdefectsandfoiblesthatwouldnotbetoleratedinanother。Theythathavebeauty，letthembethankfulforit，andmakeagooduseofit，likeanyothertalent；theythathaveitnot，letthemconsolethemselves，anddothebesttheycanwithoutit:certainly，thoughliabletobeover-estimated，itisagiftofGod，andnottobedespised。Manywillfeelthiswhohavefeltthattheycouldlove，andwhoseheartstellthemthattheyareworthytobelovedagain；whileyettheyaredebarred，bythelackofthisorsomesuchseemingtrifle，fromgivingandreceivingthathappinesstheyseemalmostmadetofeelandtoimpart。Aswellmightthehumbleglowwormdespisethatpowerofgivinglightwithoutwhichtherovingflymightpassherandrepassherathousandtimes，andneverrestbesideher:shemighthearherwingeddarlingbuzzingoverandaroundher；hevainlyseekingher，shelongingtobefound，butwithnopowertomakeherpresenceknown，novoicetocallhim，nowingstofollowhisflight；-theflymustseekanothermate，thewormmustliveanddiealone。
Suchweresomeofmyreflectionsaboutthisperiod。Imightgoonprosingmoreandmore，Imightdivemuchdeeper，anddiscloseotherthoughts，proposequestionsthereadermightbepuzzledtoanswer，anddeduceargumentsthatmightstartlehisprejudices，or，perhaps，provokehisridicule，becausehecouldnotcomprehendthem；butIforbear。
Now，therefore，letusreturntoMissMurray。SheaccompaniedhermammatotheballonTuesday；ofcoursesplendidlyattired，anddelightedwithherprospectsandhercharms。AsAshbyParkwasnearlytenmilesdistantfromHortonLodge，theyhadtosetoutprettyearly，andIintendedtohavespenttheeveningwithNancyBrown，whomIhadnotseenforalongtime；butmykindpupiltookcareIshouldspenditneithertherenoranywhereelsebeyondthelimitsoftheschoolroom，bygivingmeapieceofmusictocopy，whichkeptmecloselyoccupiedtillbed-time。Aboutelevennextmorning，assoonasshehadleftherroom，shecametotellmehernews。SirThomashadindeedproposedtoherattheball；aneventwhichreflectedgreatcreditonhermamma\'ssagacity，ifnotuponherskillincontrivance。Iratherinclinetothebeliefthatshehadfirstlaidherplans，andthenpredictedtheirsuccess。Theofferhadbeenaccepted，ofcourse，andthebridegroomelectwascomingthatdaytosettlematterswithMr。Murray。
RosaliewaspleasedwiththethoughtsofbecomingmistressofAshbyPark；shewaselatedwiththeprospectofthebridalceremonyanditsattendantsplendourandeclat，thehoneymoonspentabroad，andthesubsequentgaietiessheexpectedtoenjoyinLondonandelsewhere；sheappearedprettywellpleasedtoo，forthetimebeing，withSirThomashimself，becauseshehadsolatelyseenhim，dancedwithhim，andbeenflatteredbyhim；but，afterall，sheseemedtoshrinkfromtheideaofbeingsosoonunited:shewishedtheceremonytobedelayedsomemonths，atleast；andIwishedittoo。Itseemedahorriblethingtohurryontheinauspiciousmatch，andnottogivethepoorcreaturetimetothinkandreasonontheirrevocablestepshewasabouttotake。Imadenopretensionto\'amother\'swatchful，anxiouscare，\'butIwasamazedandhorrifiedatMrs。Murray\'sheartlessness，orwantofthoughtfortherealgoodofherchild；andbymyunheededwarningsandexhortations，Ivainlystrovetoremedytheevil。MissMurrayonlylaughedatwhatIsaid；andIsoonfoundthatherreluctancetoanimmediateunionarosechieflyfromadesiretodowhatexecutionshecouldamongtheyounggentlemenofheracquaintance，beforeshewasincapacitatedfromfurthermischiefofthekind。Itwasforthiscausethat，beforeconfidingtomethesecretofherengagement，shehadextractedapromisethatIwouldnotmentionawordonthesubjecttoanyone。AndwhenIsawthis，andwhenI
beheldherplungemorerecklesslythaneverintothedepthsofheartlesscoquetry，Ihadnomorepityforher。\'Comewhatwill，\'
Ithought，\'shedeservesit。SirThomascannotbetoobadforher；
andthesoonersheisincapacitatedfromdeceivingandinjuringothersthebetter。\'
TheweddingwasfixedforthefirstofJune。Betweenthatandthecriticalballwaslittlemorethansixweeks；but，withRosalie\'saccomplishedskillandresoluteexertion，muchmightbedone，evenwithinthatperiod；especiallyasSirThomasspentmostoftheinteriminLondon；whitherhewentup，itwassaid，tosettleaffairswithhislawyer，andmakeotherpreparationsfortheapproachingnuptials。Heendeavouredtosupplythewantofhispresencebyaprettyconstantfireofbillets-doux；butthesedidnotattracttheneighbours\'attention，andopentheireyes，aspersonalvisitswouldhavedone；andoldLadyAshby\'shaughty，sourspiritofreservewithheldherfromspreadingthenews，whileherindifferenthealthpreventedhercomingtovisitherfuturedaughter-in-law；sothat，altogether，thisaffairwaskeptfarcloserthansuchthingsusuallyare。
Rosaliewouldsometimesshowherlover\'sepistlestome，toconvincemewhatakind，devotedhusbandhewouldmake。Sheshowedmethelettersofanotherindividual，too，theunfortunateMr。
Green，whohadnotthecourage，or，assheexpressedit，the\'spunk，\'topleadhiscauseinperson，butwhomonedenialwouldnotsatisfy:hemustwriteagainandagain。Hewouldnothavedonesoifhecouldhaveseenthegrimaceshisfairidolmadeoverhismovingappealstoherfeelings，andheardherscornfullaughter，andtheopprobriousepithetssheheapeduponhimforhisperseverance。
\'Whydon\'tyoutellhim，atonce，thatyouareengaged？\'Iasked。
\'Oh，Idon\'twanthimtoknowthat，\'repliedshe。\'Ifheknewit，hissistersandeverybodywouldknowit，andthentherewouldbeanendofmy-ahem!And，besides，ifItoldhimthat，hewouldthinkmyengagementwastheonlyobstacle，andthatIwouldhavehimifI
werefree；whichIcouldnotbearthatanymanshouldthink，andhe，ofallothers，atleast。Besides，Idon\'tcareforhisletters，\'sheadded，contemptuously；\'hemaywriteasoftenashepleases，andlookasgreatacalfashelikeswhenImeethim；itonlyamusesme。\'
Meantime，youngMelthamwasprettyfrequentinhisvisitstothehouseortransitspastit；and，judgingbyMatilda\'sexecrationsandreproaches，hersisterpaidmoreattentiontohimthancivilityrequired；inotherwords，shecarriedonasanimatedaflirtationasthepresenceofherparentswouldadmit。ShemadesomeattemptstobringMr。Hatfieldoncemoretoherfeet；butfindingthemunsuccessful，sherepaidhishaughtyindifferencewithstillloftierscorn，andspokeofhimwithasmuchdisdainanddetestationasshehadformerlydoneofhiscurate。But，amidallthis，sheneverforamomentlostsightofMr。Weston。Sheembracedeveryopportunityofmeetinghim，triedeveryarttofascinatehim，andpursuedhimwithasmuchperseveranceasifshereallylovedhimandnoother，andthehappinessofherlifedependeduponelicitingareturnofaffection。Suchconductwascompletelybeyondmycomprehension。HadIseenitdepictedinanovel，Ishouldhavethoughtitunnatural；hadIhearditdescribedbyothers，Ishouldhavedeemeditamistakeoranexaggeration；
butwhenIsawitwithmyowneyes，andsufferedfromittoo，I
couldonlyconcludethatexcessivevanity，likedrunkenness，hardenstheheart，enslavesthefaculties，andpervertsthefeelings；andthatdogsarenottheonlycreatureswhich，whengorgedtothethroat，willyetgloatoverwhattheycannotdevour，andgrudgethesmallestmorseltoastarvingbrother。
Shenowbecameextremelybeneficenttothepoorcottagers。Heracquaintanceamongthemwasmorewidelyextended，hervisitstotheirhumbledwellingsweremorefrequentandexcursivethantheyhadeverbeenbefore。Hereby，sheearnedamongthemthereputationofacondescendingandverycharitableyounglady；andtheirencomiumsweresuretoberepeatedtoMr。Weston:whomalsoshehadthusadailychanceofmeetinginoneorotheroftheirabodes，orinhertransitstoandfro；andoften，likewise，shecouldgather，throughtheirgossip，towhatplaceshewaslikelytogoatsuchandsuchatime，whethertobaptizeachild，ortovisittheaged，thesick，thesad，orthedying；andmostskilfullyshelaidherplansaccordingly。Intheseexcursionsshewouldsometimesgowithhersister-whom，bysomemeans，shehadpersuadedorbribedtoenterintoherschemes-sometimesalone，never，now，withme；
sothatIwasdebarredthepleasureofseeingMr。Weston，orhearinghisvoiceeveninconversationwithanother:whichwouldcertainlyhavebeenaverygreatpleasure，howeverhurtfulorhoweverfraughtwithpain。Icouldnotevenseehimatchurch:
forMissMurray，undersometrivialpretext，chosetotakepossessionofthatcornerinthefamilypewwhichhadbeenmineeversinceIcame；and，unlessIhadthepresumptiontostationmyselfbetweenMr。andMrs。Murray，Imustsitwithmybacktothepulpit，whichIaccordinglydid。
Now，also，Ineverwalkedhomewithmypupils:theysaidtheirmammathoughtitdidnotlookwelltoseethreepeopleoutofthefamilywalking，andonlytwogoinginthecarriage；and，astheygreatlypreferredwalkinginfineweather，Ishouldbehonouredbygoingwiththeseniors。\'Andbesides，\'saidthey，\'youcan\'twalkasfastaswedo；youknowyou\'realwayslaggingbehind。\'Iknewthesewerefalseexcuses，butImadenoobjections，andnevercontradictedsuchassertions，wellknowingthemotiveswhichdictatedthem。Andintheafternoons，duringthosesixmemorableweeks，Ineverwenttochurchatall。IfIhadacold，oranyslightindisposition，theytookadvantageofthattomakemestayathome；andoftentheywouldtellmetheywerenotgoingagainthatday，themselves，andthenpretendtochangetheirminds，andsetoffwithouttellingme:somanagingtheirdeparturethatI
neverdiscoveredthechangeofpurposetilltoolate。Upontheirreturnhome，ononeoftheseoccasions，theyentertainedmewithananimatedaccountofaconversationtheyhadhadwithMr。Westonastheycamealong。\'Andheaskedifyouwereill，MissGrey，\'saidMatilda；\'butwetoldhimyouwerequitewell，onlyyoudidn\'twanttocometochurch-sohe\'llthinkyou\'returnedwicked。\'
Allchancemeetingsonweek-dayswerelikewisecarefullyprevented；
for，lestIshouldgotoseepoorNancyBrownoranyotherperson，MissMurraytookgoodcaretoprovidesufficientemploymentforallmyleisurehours。Therewasalwayssomedrawingtofinish，somemusictocopy，orsomeworktodo，sufficienttoincapacitatemefromindulginginanythingbeyondashortwalkaboutthegrounds，howeversheorhersistermightbeoccupied。
Onemorning，havingsoughtandwaylaidMr。Weston，theyreturnedinhighgleetogivemeanaccountoftheirinterview。\'Andheaskedafteryouagain，\'saidMatilda，inspiteofhersister\'ssilentbutimperativeintimationthatsheshouldholdhertongue。\'Hewonderedwhyyouwereneverwithus，andthoughtyoumusthavedelicatehealth，asyoucameoutsoseldom。\'
\'Hedidn\'tMatilda-whatnonsenseyou\'retalking!\'
\'Oh，Rosalie，whatalie!Hedid，youknow；andyousaid-Don\'t，Rosalie-hangit!-Iwon\'tbepinchedso!And，MissGrey，Rosalietoldhimyouwerequitewell，butyouwerealwayssoburiedinyourbooksthatyouhadnopleasureinanythingelse。\'
\'Whatanideahemusthaveofme!\'Ithought。
\'And，\'Iasked，\'doesoldNancyeverinquireaboutme？\'
\'Yes；andwetellheryouaresofondofreadinganddrawingthatyoucandonothingelse。\'
\'Thatisnotthecasethough；ifyouhadtoldherIwassobusyI
couldnotcometoseeher，itwouldhavebeennearerthetruth。\'
\'Idon\'tthinkitwould，\'repliedMissMurray，suddenlykindlingup；\'I\'msureyouhaveplentyoftimetoyourselfnow，whenyouhavesolittleteachingtodo。\'
Itwasnousebeginningtodisputewithsuchindulged，unreasoningcreatures:soIheldmypeace。Iwasaccustomed，now，tokeepingsilencewhenthingsdistastefultomyearwereuttered；andnow，too，Iwasusedtowearingaplacidsmilingcountenancewhenmyheartwasbitterwithinme。Onlythosewhohavefeltthelikecanimaginemyfeelings，asIsatwithanassumptionofsmilingindifference，listeningtotheaccountsofthosemeetingsandinterviewswithMr。Weston，whichtheyseemedtofindsuchpleasureindescribingtome；andhearingthingsassertedofhimwhich，fromthecharacteroftheman，Iknewtobeexaggerationsandperversionsofthetruth，ifnotentirelyfalse-thingsderogatorytohim，andflatteringtothem-especiallytoMissMurray-whichIburnedtocontradict，or，atleast，toshowmydoubtsabout，butdarednot；lest，inexpressingmydisbelief，Ishoulddisplaymyinteresttoo。OtherthingsIheard，whichIfeltorfearedwereindeedtootrue:butImuststillconcealmyanxietyrespectinghim，myindignationagainstthem，beneathacarelessaspect；
others，again，merehintsofsomethingsaidordone，whichIlongedtohearmoreof，butcouldnotventuretoinquire。Sopassedthewearytime。Icouldnotevencomfortmyselfwithsaying，\'Shewillsoonbemarried；andthentheremaybehope。\'
Soonafterhermarriagetheholidayswouldcome；andwhenI
returnedfromhome，mostlikely，Mr。Westonwouldbegone，forI
wastoldthatheandtheRectorcouldnotagreetheRector\'sfault，ofcourse，andhewasabouttoremovetoanotherplace。
No-besidesmyhopeinGod，myonlyconsolationwasinthinkingthat，thoughheknowitnot，IwasmoreworthyofhislovethanRosalieMurray，charmingandengagingasshewas；forIcouldappreciatehisexcellence，whichshecouldnot:Iwoulddevotemylifetothepromotionofhishappiness；shewoulddestroyhishappinessforthemomentarygratificationofherownvanity。\'Oh，ifhecouldbutknowthedifference!\'Iwouldearnestlyexclaim。
\'Butno!Iwouldnothavehimseemyheart:yet，ifhecouldbutknowherhollowness，herworthless，heartlessfrivolity，hewouldthenbesafe，andIshouldbe-ALMOSThappy，thoughImightneverseehimmore!\'
Ifear，bythistime，thereaderiswellnighdisgustedwiththefollyandweaknessIhavesofreelylaidbeforehim。Ineverdiscloseditthen，andwouldnothavedonesohadmyownsisterormymotherbeenwithmeinthehouse。Iwasacloseandresolutedissembler-inthisonecaseatleast。Myprayers，mytears，mywishes，fears，andlamentations，werewitnessedbymyselfandheavenalone。
Whenweareharassedbysorrowsoranxieties，orlongoppressedbyanypowerfulfeelingswhichwemustkeeptoourselves，forwhichwecanobtainandseeknosympathyfromanylivingcreature，andwhichyetwecannot，orwillnotwhollycrush，weoftennaturallyseekreliefinpoetry-andoftenfindit，too-whetherintheeffusionsofothers，whichseemtoharmonizewithourexistingcase，orinourownattemptstogiveutterancetothosethoughtsandfeelingsinstrainslessmusical，perchance，butmoreappropriate，andthereforemorepenetratingandsympathetic，and，forthetime，moresoothing，ormorepowerfultorouseandtounburdentheoppressedandswollenheart。Beforethistime，atWellwoodHouseandhere，whensufferingfromhome-sickmelancholy，Ihadsoughtrelieftwiceorthriceatthissecretsourceofconsolation；andnowIflewtoitagain，withgreateraviditythanever，becauseIseemedtoneeditmore。Istillpreservethoserelicsofpastsufferingsandexperience，likepillarsofwitnesssetupintravellingthroughthevaleoflife，tomarkparticularoccurrences。Thefootstepsareobliteratednow；thefaceofthecountrymaybechanged；butthepillarisstillthere，toremindmehowallthingswerewhenitwasreared。Lestthereadershouldbecurioustoseeanyoftheseeffusions，Iwillfavourhimwithoneshortspecimen:coldandlanguidasthelinesmayseem，itwasalmostapassionofgrieftowhichtheyowedtheirbeing:-
Oh，theyhaverobbedmeofthehopeMyspiritheldsodear；
TheywillnotletmehearthatvoiceMysouldelightstohear。
TheywillnotletmeseethatfaceIsodelighttosee；
Andtheyhavetakenallthysmiles，Andallthylovefromme。
Well，letthemseizeonalltheycan；-
Onetreasurestillismine，-
Aheartthatlovestothinkonthee，Andfeelstheworthofthine。
Yes，atleast，theycouldnotdeprivemeofthat:Icouldthinkofhimdayandnight；andIcouldfeelthathewasworthytobethoughtof。NobodyknewhimasIdid；nobodycouldappreciatehimasIdid；nobodycouldlovehimasI-could，ifImight:buttherewastheevil。WhatbusinesshadItothinksomuchofonethatneverthoughtofme？Wasitnotfoolish？wasitnotwrong？
Yet，ifIfoundsuchdeepdelightinthinkingofhim，andifIkeptthosethoughtstomyself，andtroublednooneelsewiththem，wherewastheharmofit？Iwouldaskmyself。Andsuchreasoningpreventedmefrommakinganysufficientefforttoshakeoffmyfetters。
But，ifthosethoughtsbroughtdelight，itwasapainful，troubledpleasure，toonearakintoanguish；andonethatdidmemoreinjurythanIwasawareof。Itwasanindulgencethatapersonofmorewisdomormoreexperiencewoulddoubtlesshavedeniedherself。
Andyet，howdrearytoturnmyeyesfromthecontemplationofthatbrightobjectandforcethemtodwellonthedull，grey，desolateprospectaround:thejoyless，hopeless，solitarypaththatlaybeforeme。Itwaswrongtobesojoyless，sodesponding；IshouldhavemadeGodmyfriend，andtodoHiswillthepleasureandthebusinessofmylife；butfaithwasweak，andpassionwastoostrong。
InthistimeoftroubleIhadtwoothercausesofaffliction。
Thefirstmayseematrifle，butitcostmemanyatear:Snap，mylittledumb，rough-visaged，butbright-eyed，warm-heartedcompanion，theonlythingIhadtoloveme，wastakenaway，anddeliveredovertothetendermerciesofthevillagerat-catcher，amannotoriousforhisbrutaltreatmentofhiscanineslaves。Theotherwasseriousenough；mylettersfromhomegaveintimationthatmyfather\'shealthwasworse。Nobodingfearswereexpressed，butIwasgrowntimidanddespondent，andcouldnothelpfearingthatsomedreadfulcalamityawaitedusthere。Iseemedtoseetheblackcloudsgatheringroundmynativehills，andtoheartheangrymutteringofastormthatwasabouttoburst，anddesolateourhearth。
chapter18
CHAPTERXVIII-MIRTHANDMOURNING
THE1stofJunearrivedatlast:andRosalieMurraywastransmutedintoLadyAshby。Mostsplendidlybeautifulshelookedinherbridalcostume。Uponherreturnfromchurch，aftertheceremony，shecameflyingintotheschoolroom，flushedwithexcitement，andlaughing，halfinmirth，andhalfinrecklessdesperation，asitseemedtome。
\'Now，MissGrey，I\'mLadyAshby!\'sheexclaimed。\'It\'sdone，myfateissealed:there\'snodrawingbacknow。I\'mcometoreceiveyourcongratulationsandbidyougood-by；andthenI\'moffforParis，Rome，Naples，Switzerland，London-oh，dear!whatadealI
shallseeandhearbeforeIcomebackagain。Butdon\'tforgetme:
Ishan\'tforgetyou，thoughI\'vebeenanaughtygirl。Come，whydon\'tyoucongratulateme？\'
\'Icannotcongratulateyou，\'Ireplied，\'tillIknowwhetherthischangeisreallyforthebetter:butIsincerelyhopeitis；andI
wishyoutruehappinessandthebestofblessings。\'
\'Well，good-by，thecarriageiswaiting，andthey\'recallingme。\'
Shegavemeahastykiss，andwashurryingaway；but，suddenlyreturning，embracedmewithmoreaffectionthanIthoughthercapableofevincing，anddepartedwithtearsinhereyes。Poorgirl!Ireallylovedherthen；andforgaveherfrommyheartalltheinjuryshehaddoneme-andothersalso:shehadnothalfknownit，Iwassure；andIprayedGodtopardonhertoo。
Duringtheremainderofthatdayoffestalsadness，Iwaslefttomyowndevices。Beingtoomuchunhingedforanysteadyoccupation，Iwanderedaboutwithabookinmyhandforseveralhours，morethinkingthanreading，forIhadmanythingstothinkabout。Intheevening，ImadeuseofmylibertytogoandseemyoldfriendNancyonceagain；toapologizeformylongabsencewhichmusthaveseemedsoneglectfulandunkindbytellingherhowbusyIhadbeen；andtotalk，orread，orworkforher，whichevermightbemostacceptable，andalso，ofcourse，totellherthenewsofthisimportantday:andperhapstoobtainalittleinformationfromherinreturn，respectingMr。Weston\'sexpecteddeparture。Butofthissheseemedtoknownothing，andIhoped，asshedid，thatitwasallafalsereport。Shewasverygladtoseeme；but，happily，hereyeswerenowsonearlywellthatshewasalmostindependentofmyservices。Shewasdeeplyinterestedinthewedding；butwhileI