Thiswouldgivehimtwoweeksinsteadofseventy-twohours。AtthisheburstoutviolentlythathewouldnotsetfootinEngland；thatheneverwantedtohaveanythingtodowithEnglandorwiththeEnglish:\"Why，I
amamarine!\"heexclaimed，\"andwemarineswouldsoonerknockdownanyEnglishsailorthanspeaktohim。\"
TheEnglishlady，naturally，didnotthentellhimhernationality。ShenowrealizedthathehadsupposedhertobeAmerican，becauseshehadfrequentlybeeninAmericaandhadtalkedtohimasnostrangertothecountrycould。She，ofcourse，didnoturgehisgoingtoEngland；sheadvisedhimwhattoseeinFrance。Hetookhisleaveofseventy-twohoursandwhenhereturnedwasverygratefulfortheadviceshehadgivenhim。
Shesawhimoftenafterthis，andhegrewtorelyverymuchuponherfriendlycounsel。Finally，whenthetimecameforhertogoawayfromBrest，shetoldhimthatshewasEnglish。Andthenshesaidsomethinglikethistohim:
\"Now，youtoldmeyouhadneverbeeninEnglandandhadneverknownanEnglishpersoninyourlife，andyetyouhadalltheseideasagainstusbecausesomebodyhadtaughtyouwrong。Itisnotatallyourfault。Youareonlynineteenyearsoldandyoucannotreadaboutus，becauseyouhavenochance；butatleastyoudoknowoneEnglishpersonnow，andthatEnglishpersonbegsyou，whenyoudohaveachancetoreadandinformyourselfofthetruth，tofindoutwhatEnglandreallyhasbeen，andwhatshehasreallydoneinthiswar。\"
Theendofthestoryisthattheboy，whohadbecomedevotedtoher，didasshesuggested。To-dayshereceiveslettersfromhimwhichshowthatnothingisleftofhisanti-Englishcomplex。ItisanotherinstanceofhowclearlyournativeAmericanmind，ifonlythefactsaregivenit，thinks，judges，andconcludes。
Itisforthoseofmycountrymenwhowillneverhavethischance，nevermeetsomeonewhocanguidethemtothefacts\"，thatItellthesethings。
Letthem\"cutoutthedope。\"AtthisverymomentthatIwrite——November24，1919——thedopeisbeingfedfreelytoallwhoareready，whetherthroughignoranceorthroughinterestedmotives，toswallowit。TheancientgrudgeisbeingplayedupstrongoverthewholecountryintheinterestofIrishindependence。
IanHayinhistwobookssotimelyandsoexcellent，GettingTogetherandTheOppressedEnglish，couldnotbeasunreserved，naturally，asIcanbeaboutthosetraitsinmyowncountrymenwhichhave，inthepastatanyrate，retardedEnglishcordialitytowardsAmericans。OftheseIshallspeakasplainlyasIknowhow。Butalso，beinganAmericanandthereforebybirthmoreindiscreetthanIanHay，IshallspeakasplainlyasIknowhowofthosetraitsintheEnglishwhichhavehelpedtokeepwarmourancientgrudge。ThusImayrenderbothcountriesforeveruninhabitabletome，butshallatleasttakewithmeintoexileacharacterforstrict，ifdisastrous，impartiality。
IbeginwithanAmericanwhowastravelinginanEnglishtrain。Itstoppedsomewhere，andoutofthewindowhesawsomebuildingswhichinterestedhim。
\"Canyoutellmewhatthoseare?\"heaskedanEnglishman，astranger，whosatintheothercornerofthecompartment。
\"Betterasktheguard，\"saidtheEnglishman。
Sincethatbriefdialogue，thisAmericandoesnotthinkwelloftheEnglish。
Now，twointerpretationsoftheEnglishman\'sanswerarepossible。Oneis，thathedidn\'thimselfknow，andsaidsoinhisEnglishway。Englishtalkisoftenveryshort，muchshorterthanours。Thatisbecausetheyallunderstandeachother，aremuchcloserknitthanweare。Behindthemaregenerationsof\"doingit\"inthesameestablishedway，awaythattheirlongexperienceoflifehashammeredoutfortheirownconvenience，andwhichtheylike。We\'renotnearlysocloselyknittogetherhere，saveincertainspots，especiallytheoldspots。InBostontheyunderstandeachotherwithveryfewwordssaid。SotheydoinCharleston。Butthesespotsofcondensedandhoardedunderstandingliefarapart，areneverconfluent，andalsodifferintheirdetails；whilethewholeofEnglandisconfluent，andthedetailshavebeenslowlyworkedoutthroughcenturiesofgettingontogether，andareacceptedandobservedexactlyliketherulesofagame。
InAmerica，iftheAmericandidn\'tknow，hewouldhaveanswered，\"Idon\'tknow。Ithinkyou\'llhavetoasktheconductor，\"oratanyrate，hisreplywouldhavebeenlongerthantheEnglishman\'s。ButIamnotgoingtoaccepttheideathattheEnglishmandidn\'tknowandsaidsoinhisbriefusualway。It\'sequallypossiblethathedidknow。Then，younaturallyask，whyinthenameofcommoncivilitydidhegivesuchananswertotheAmerican?
IbelievethatIcantellyou。Hedidn\'tknowthatmyfriendwasanAmerican，hethoughthewasanEnglishmanwhohadbrokentherulesofthegame。WedohavesomeruleshereinAmerica，onlywehavenotnearlysomany，they\'remuchmorestretchable，andit\'snotallofuswhohavelearnedthem。Butneverthelessagoodmanyhave。
Supposeyouweretravelinginatrainhere，andthemannextyou，whosefaceyouhadneverseenbefore，andwithwhomyouhadnotyetexchangedasyllable，said:\"What\'syourpetnameforyourwife?\"
Wouldn\'tyourimmediateinclinationbetosay，\"Whatdamnedbusinessisthatofyours?\"orwordstothatgeneraleffect?
Butagain，youmostnaturallyobject，therewasnothingpersonalinmyfriend\'squestionaboutthebuildings。No；butthatisnotit。Atthebottom，bothquestionsareaninvasionofthesamedeep-seatedthing——therighttoprivacy。InAmerica，whatwiththenewspaperreportersandthisandthatandtheother，theterritoryofaman\'sprivacyhasbeenlessenedandlesseneduntilverylittleofitremains；butmostofusstilldodrawthelinesomewhere；wemaynotalldrawitatthesameplace，butwedodrawaline。Thedifference，then，betweenourselvesandtheEnglishinthisrespectissimply，thatwiththemtheterritoryofaman\'sprivacycoversmoreground，anddifferentgroundaswell。
AnEnglishmandoesn\'texpectstrangerstoaskhimquestionsofaguide-booksort。ForallsuchquestionshisEnglishsystemprovidesperfectlydefinitepersonstoanswer。Ifyouwanttoknowwheretheticketofficeis，orwheretotakeyourbaggage，orwhattimethetraingoes，orwhatplatformitstartsfrom，orwhattownsitstopsat，andwhatchurchesorotherbuildingsofinterestaretobeseeninthosetowns，thereareportersandguardsandBradshawsandguidebookstotellyou，andit\'stheywhomyouareexpectedtoconsult，notanyfellow-travelerwhohappenstobeathand。Ifyouaskhim，youbreaktherules。Hadmyfriendsaid:\"IamanAmerican。Wouldyoumindtellingmewhatthosebuildingsare?\"allwouldhavegonewell。TheEnglishmanwouldhaverecognizednotfiftyyearsago，butcertainlyto-daythatitwasn\'taquestionofrulesbetweenthem，andwouldhaveatonceexplained——eitherthathedidn\'tknow，orthatthebuildingsweresuchandsuch。
Donot，Ibeg，supposeforamomentthatIamholdinguptheEnglishwayasbetterthanourown——orworse。Iamnotmakingcomparisons；Iamtryingtoshowdifferences。VerylikelytherearemanypointswhereinwethinktheEnglishmightdowelltoborrowfromus；anditisquiteaslikelythattheEnglishthinkwemighthereandtheretakealeaffromtheirbooktoouradvantage。ButIamnottheorizing，Iamnotseekingtoshowthatwemanagelifebetterorthattheymanagelifebetter；theonlymoralthatIseektodrawfromtheseanecdotesis，thatweshouldeachunderstandandhencemakeallowancefortheotherfellow\'sway。Youwilladmit，Iamsure，beyouAmericanorEnglish，thateverybodyhasarighttohisownway?Theproverb\"WheninRomeyoumustdoasRomedoes\"
coversit，andwouldsavetroubleifwealwaysobeyedit。ThepeoplewhoforgetitmostaretheythatgotoRomeforthefirsttime；andIshallgiveyoubothEnglishandAmericanexamplesofthispresently。ItisgoodtoascertainbeforeyougotoRome，ifyoucan，whatRomedoesdo。
Haveyouneverbeenmistakenforawaiter，orsomethingofthatsort?
PerhapsyouwillhaveheardtheanecdoteaboutoneofourambassadorstoEngland。Allambassadors，saveours，wearonformaloccasionsadistinguishinguniform，justasourarmyandnavyofficersdo；itisconvenient，practical，andsavestrouble。Butwehavedeclareditmenial，ordespotic，orun-American，orsomethingequallysilly，andhenceourambassadorsmustweareveningdressresemblingcloselytheattireofthosewhoarehandingthesupperoransweringthedoor-bell。AnEnglishmansawMr。Choateatsomediplomaticfunction，standingaboutinthiseveningcostume，andsaid:
\"Callmeacab。\"
\"Youareacab，\"saidMr。Choate，obediently。
ThusdidhemakeknowntotheEnglishmanthathewasnotawaiter。
Similarlyincrowdedhoteldining-roomsorcrowdedrailroadstationshaveagitatedladiesclutchedmyarmandsaid:
\"Iwantatableforthree，\"or\"WhendoesthetraingotoPoughkeepsie?\"
JustasweinAmericahaveregularpeopletoattendtothesethings，sodotheyinEngland；andastheEnglishrespecteachother\'srighttoprivacyverymuchmorethanwedo，theyresentinvasionsofitverymuchmorethanwedo。But，letmesayagain，theyarelikelytominditonlyinsomebodytheythinkknowstherules。Withthosewhodon\'tknowthemitisdifferent。IsaythiswithallthemorecertaintybecauseofafairlyrecentafternoonspentinanEnglishgardenwithEnglishfriends。Thequestionofpronunciationcameup。Nowyouwillreadilyseethatwiththemandtheircompactness，theirgreatpublicschools，theirtwogreatUniversities，andtheirgreatLondon，theoneeternalfocusofthemall，boththechanceofdiversityinsocialcustomsandthetoleranceofitmustbefarlessthaninourhugeunfocusedcountry。Withus，Boston，NewYork，Philadelphia，Chicago，SanFrancisco，iseachacentre。Hereyoucanpronouncethewordcalm，forexample，inonewayoranother，anditmerelyindicateswhereyoucomefrom。DepartureinEnglandfromcertainestablishedpronunciationshasanothereffect。
\"Ofcourse，\"saidoneofmyfriends，\"oneknowswheretoplaceanybodywhosays\'girl\'\"pronouncingitasitisspelled。
\"That\'sfrightful，\"saidI，\"becauseIsay\'girl\'。\"
\"Oh，butyouareanAmerican。Itdoesn\'tapply。\"
ButhadIbeenEnglish，itwouldhavebeensomethinglikecomingtodinnerwithoutyourcollar。
ThatiswhyIthinkthat，hadmyfriendinthetrainbegunhisquestionaboutthebuildingsbysayingthathewasanAmerican，theanswerwouldhavebeendifferent。NotalltheEnglishyet，butmanymorethantherewerefiftyoreventwentyyearsago，haveceasedtoapplytheirrulestous。
About1874afriendofminefromNewYorkwastakentoaLondonClub。
IntotheroomwherehewascamethePrinceofWales，whotookoutacigar，feltforandfoundnomatches，lookedabout，andtherewasasilence。Myfriendthereuponproducedmatches，struckone，andofferedittothePrince，whobowed，thankedhim，lightedhiscigar，andpresentlywentaway。
ThenanEnglishmanobservedtomyfriend:\"It\'snotthethingforacommonertoofferalighttothePrince。\"
\"I\'mnotacommoner，I\'manAmerican，\"saidmyfriendwithperfectgoodnature。
Whatevertheirrulemaybeto-dayaboutthePrinceandmatches，astoustheyhavecometoacceptmyfriend\'spertinentdistinction:theydon\'texpectustokeeporeventoknowtheirownsetofrules。
Indeed，theysurpassusinthis，theymakemoreallowancesforusthanweforthem。Theydon\'tcriticizeAmericansfornotbeingEnglish。AmericansstillconstantlydocriticizetheEnglishfornotbeingAmericans。Now，themeasureinwhichyoudon\'tallowforthecustomsofanothercountryisthemeasureofyourownprovincialism。IhaveheardsomeofourownsoldiersexpressdislikeoftheEnglishbecauseoftheircoldness。TheEnglisharenotcold；theyaresilentuponcertainmatters。Butitisallthere。DoyourememberthatsailoratZeebruggecarryingtheunconsciousbodyofacomradetosafety，notsureyetifhewerealiveordead，andstrokingthatcomrade\'sheadashewent，sayingoverandover，\"DidyouthinkIwouldleaveyer?\"Wearemoredemonstrative，wespellthingsoutwhichitisthewayoftheEnglishtoleavebetweenthelines。Butitisallthere!Behindthatunconciliatingwallofshynessandreserve，beatsandhidesthewarm，loyalBritishheart，themostconstantheartintheworld。
\"Itisn\'tdone。\"
ThatphraseappliestomanythingsinEnglandbesidesofferingalighttothePrince，oraskingafellowtravelerwhatthosebuildingsare；andI
thinkthattheEnglishman\'snotionofhisrighttoprivacyliesatthebottomofquiteanumberofthesethings。Youmaylaysomeofthemtosnobbishness，tocaste，toshyness，theymayhavevarioussecondaryorigins；butIprefertocoverthemallwiththebroaderterm，therighttoprivacy，becauseitseemsphilosophicallytoaccountforthemandexplainthem。
InMay，1915，anOxfordprofessorwasinNewYork。AfewyearsbeforethisIhadreadabookofhiswhichhaddelightedme。Imethimatlunch，Ihadnotknownhimbefore。Evenasweshookhands，Iblurtedouttohimmyadmirationforhisbook。
\"Oh。\"
Thatwasthewholeofhisreply。Itmademelaughatmyself，forIshouldhaveknownbetter。IhadoftenbeeninEnglandandcouldhavetoldanybodythatyoumustn\'ttooabruptlyorobviouslyrefertowhattheotherfellowdoes，stilllesstowhatyoudoyourself。\"Itisn\'tdone。\"
It\'sasortofindecentexposure。It\'soneoftheinvasionsoftherighttoprivacy。
InAmerica，noteverywherebutinmanyplaces，amanuponenteringaclubandseeingafriendacrosstheroom，willnothesitatetocallouttohim，\"Hullo，Jack!\"or\"Hullo，George!\"orwhatever。InEngland\"itisn\'tdone。\"Thegreetingwouldbeconveyedbyashortnodoraglance。
Tocalloutaman\'snameacrossaroomfullofpeople，someofwhommaybetotalstrangers，invadeshisprivacyandtheirs。Haveyounoticedhow，inourPullmanparlorcars，apartysittingtogether，generallyyoungwomen，willshriektheirconversationinavoicethatboreslikeagimletthroughthewholeplace?Thatisaninvasionofprivacy。InEngland\"itisn\'tdone。\"Weshouldn\'tstanditinatheatre，butinparlorcarswedostandit。ItisagoodinstancetoshowthattheEnglishman\'srighttoprivacyislargerthanours，andthusthathislibertyislargerthanours。
Beforeleavingthispoint，whichtomythinkingisthecauseofmanyfrictionsandmisunderstandingsbetweenourselvesandtheEnglish，I
mustn\'tomittogiveinstancesofdivergence，whereanEnglishmanwillspeakofmattersuponwhichwearesilent，andissilentuponsubjectsofwhichwewillspeak。
YoumaypresentaletterofintroductiontoanEnglishman，andhewishestobecivil，tohelpyoutohaveagoodtime。Itisquitepossiblehemaysaysomethinglikethis:
\"IthinkyouhadbetterknowmysisterSophy。Youmayn\'tlikeher。Butherdinnersareratheramusing。Ofcoursethefood\'sghastlybecauseshe\'sthestingiestwomaninLondon。\"
Ontheotherhand，manyAmericansthoughlesswillingthantheFrench
arewillingtodiscusscreed，immortality，faith。ThereisnothingfromwhichtheEnglishmanmoreperemptorilyrecoils，althoughhehateswellnighasdeeplyallabstractdiscussion，ortobeclever，ortohaveyoubeclever。AnAmericanfriendofminehadgrowntiredofanEnglishmanwhohadbeenfindingfaultwithoneAmericanthingafteranother。Sohesuddenlysaid:
\"WillyoutellmewhyyouEnglishwhenyouenteryourpewsonSundayalwaysimmediatelysmellyourhats?\"
TheEnglishmanstiffened。\"Irefusetodiscussreligioussubjectswithyou，\"hesaid。
Tobeponderousoverthisanecdotegrievesme——butyoumaynotknowthatorthodoxEnglishmenusuallydon\'tkneel，aswedo，afterreachingtheirpews；theystandforamoment，coveringtheirfaceswiththeirwell-brushedhats:witheachnationtheobservanceisthesame，itisinthemanneroftheobservingthatwediffer。
Muchissaidaboutour\"commonlanguage，\"anditsbeingareasonforourunderstandingeachother。Yes；butitisalsoalmostasmuchacauseforourmisunderstandingeachother。Itisbothahelpandatrap。IfweAmericansspokesomethingsowhollydifferentfromEnglishasFrenchis，comparisonscouldn\'tbemade；andsomebodyhasremarkedthatcomparisonsareodious。
\"Whydoyoucallyourluggagebaggage?\"saystheEnglishman——orusedtosay。
\"Whydoyoucallyourbaggageluggage?\"saystheAmerican——orusedtosay。
\"Whydon\'tyousaytreacle?\"inquirestheEnglishman。
\"Becausewecallitmolasses，\"answerstheAmerican。
\"Howabsurdtospeakofacarwhenyoumeanacarriage!\"exclaimstheEnglishman。
\"Wedon\'tmeanacarriage，wemeanacar，\"retortstheAmerican。
You，myreader，mayhaveheardorperhapsevenheldfoolishconversationslikethat；andyouwillreadilyperceivethatifwedidn\'tsay\"car\"whenwespokeofthevehicleyougetintowhenyouboardatrain，butcalleditavoiture，orsomethingelsequite\"foreign，\"theEnglishmanwouldnotfeelthatwehadtakenasortoflibertywithhismother-tongue。Adeeppointlieshere:formostEnglishtheworldisdividedintothreepeoples，English，foreigners，andAmericans；andformostofuslikewiseitisdividedintoAmericans，foreigners，andEng-
lish。Nowa\"foreigner\"cancallmolasseswhateverhepleases；wedonotfeelthathehastakenanylibertywithourmother-tongue；histonguehasadifferentmother；hecan\'thelpthat；he\'snottobecriticizedforthat。ButweandtheEnglishspeakatonguethathasthesamemother。
Thisidentityinpedigreehasledandstillleadstocountlessfamilydiscords。I\'venotadoubtthatdivergencesinvocabularyandinaccentwerethefountandoriginofsomeswollennoses，somebatteredeyes，whenourYankeesmixedwiththeTommies。Eachwouldbecertaintothinkthattheothercouldn\'t\"talkstraight\"——andeachwouldbecertaintosayso。
IshallnotherespinoutalistofdifferentnamesforthesamethingsnowcurrentinEnglishandAmericanusage:molassesandtreaclewillsufficeforanexample；youwillbeableeasilytothinkofothers，andtherearemanysuchthatoccurineverydayspeech。Almostmoretrickyarethosewordswhichbothpeoplesusealike，butwithdifferentmeanings。I
shallspinnolistoftheseeither；oneexamplethereiswhichIcannotname，oftwowordsconstantlyusedinbothcountries，eachwordquiteproperinonecountry，whileintheotheritismorethanimproper。
ThirtyyearsagoIexplainedthisoneeveningtoayoungEnglishmanwhowashereforawhile。Twoorthreedayslater，hethankedmeferventlyforthewarning:ithadsavedhim，duringagameoftennis，fromafrightfulshock，whenhispartner，acharminggirl，meaningtotellhimtocheerup，hadusedthewordthatissoharmlesswithusandinEnglandsofarbeyondthepaleofpolitesociety。
Quiteasmuchaswords，accentalsoleadstodissension。IhaveheardmanyanAmericanspeakoftheEnglishaccentas\"affected\"；andouraccentdispleasestheEnglish。NowwhatEnglishman，orwhatAmerican，evercriticizesaFrenchmanfornotpronouncingourlanguageaswedo?
Histonguehasadifferentmother!
Iknownothowinthecourseoftheyearsallthesedivergencesshouldhavecomeabout，andnoneofusneedcare。Theretheyare。Asamatteroffact，bothEnglandandAmericaaremottledwithvaryingaccentsliterateandilliterate；equallytrueitisthateachnationhasitsnotionoftheother\'swayofspeaking——we\'reknownbyourshrillnasaltwang，theybytheirbroadvowelsandhesitation；andquiteastrueisitthatnotallAmericansandnotallEnglishdointheirenunciationconformtothesetypes。
OneMayafternoonin1919IstoppedatSalisburytoseethatbeautifulcathedralanditssereneandgraciousclose。\"Star-scatteredonthegrass，\"andbeneaththenobletrees，layNewZealandsoldiers，solitaryorinlittlegroups，gazing，drowsing，talkingatease。Later，attheinnIwasshowntoasmalltable，wheresatalreadyayoungEnglishmanineveningdress，athisdinner。AsIsatdownoppositehim，Ibowed，andhereturnedit。Presentlyweweretalking。WhenIsaidthatIwasstoppingexpresslytoseethecathedral，andhowlikeatranceitwastofindascenesoutterlyEnglishfullofNewZealanderslyingallabout，helookedpuzzled。Itwasatthis，orimmediatelyafterthis，thatI
explainedtohimmynationality。
\"Ishouldn\'thaveknownit，\"heremarked，afteraninstant\'spause。
Ipressedhimforhisreason，whichhegave；somewhatreluctantly，I
think，butwithexcellentgood-will。Ofcourseitwasthesameoldmother-tongue!
\"Youmean，\"Isaid，\"thatIhaven\'thappenedtosay\'Iguess，\'andthatI
don\'t，perhaps，talkthroughmynose?Butwedon\'talldothat。Wedoallsortsofthings。\"
Hestucktoit。\"Youtalklikeus。\"
\"Well，I\'msureIdon\'tmeantotalklikeanybody!\"Isighed。
Thisdivertedhim，andbroughtuscloser。
\"Andseehere，\"Icontinued，\"IknewyouwereEnglish，althoughyou\'venotdroppedasingleh。\"
\"Oh，but，\"hesaid，\"droppingh\'s——that\'s——that\'snot——\"
\"Iknowitisn\'t，\"Isaid。\"Neitheristalkingthroughyournose。Andwedon\'tallsay\'Amurrican。\'\"
Buthestucktoit。\"AllthesamethereisanAmericanvoice。Thetrainyesterdaywasfullofit。Officers。Unmistakable。\"Andheshookhishead。
Afterthiswegotonbetterthanever；andashewenthisway，hegavemesomeadviceaboutthehotel。Ishoulddowelltoavoidthereadingroom。
Thehotelwentinrathertoomuchforbeingold-fashioned。Ranitintotheground。Tiresome。Good-night。
PresentlyIshalldisclosemoreplainlytoyouthemoralofmySalisburyanecdote。
Isittheirdiscretion，doyouthink，thatclosesthelipsoftheFrenchwhentheyvisitourshores?NotfromtheFrenchdoyouhearpromptaspersionsastoourdifferencesfromthem。TheyobservethatproverbaboutbeinginRome:theymaynotbeabletodoasRomedoes，buttheydonotinquirewhyRomeisn\'tlikeParis。Ifyouaskthemhowtheylikeourhotelsorourtrains，theymaypossiblyreplythattheyprefertheirown，buttheywillhardlyvolunteerthisopinion。ButtheAmericaninEnglandandtheEnglishmaninAmericagoaboutvolunteeringopinions。AretheFrenchmorediscreet?Ibelievethattheyare；butIwonderifthereisnotalsosomethingelseatthebottomofit。YouandIwillsaythingsaboutourcousinstoouraunt。Ourauntwouldnotallowoutsiderstosaythosethings。Isitthis，the-members-of-the-familyprinciple，whichmakesuslessdiscreetthantheFrench?Isitthis，too，whichleadsusbyaseemingparadoxtoresentcriticismmorewhenitcomesfromEngland?
Iknownothowitmaybewithyou；butwithme，whenIpickupthepaperandreadthattheGermansarecallinguspig-dogsagain，Iammerelyamused。WhenIreadFrenchorItalianabuseofus，Iamsorry，tobesure；butwhensomeEnglishpaperjumpsonus，Ihateit，evenwhenI
knowthatwhatitsaysisn\'ttrue。Sohere，ifIamrightinmymembers-of-the-familyhypothesis，youhavetheEnglishandourselvesfeelingfreetobedisagreeabletoeachotherbecausewearerelations，andyetfeelingespeciallyresentfulbecauseit\'sarelationwhoisbeingdisagreeable。Imerelyputthepointtoyou，Ilaynodogmadownconcerningmembersofthefamily；butIamperfectlysurethatdiscretionisaqualitymorecommontotheFrenchthantoourselvesorourrelations:Imeansomethingalittlemorethandiscretion，Imeanespritdeconduits，forwhichitishardtofindatranslation。
Uponmyfirsttwopoints，therighttoprivacyandthemother-tongue，I
havelingeredlong，feelingthesetobenotonlyofprimeimportanceandwideapplication，butalsotobequitebeyondmypowertomakelucidinshortcompass。Itrustthattheyhavebeenmadelucid。Imustnowgetontofurtheranecdotes，illustratingotherandlesssubtlecausesofmisunderstanding；andIfeelsomewhatliketheauthorofDonJuanwhenheexclaimsthathealmostwisheshehadne\'erbegunthatveryremarkablepoem。IrenounceallpretensetotheFrenchvirtueofdiscretion。
Eveningdresshasbeenthesourceofmanyirritations。EnglishmendidnotappeartothinkthattheyneedwearitatAmericandinnerparties。Therewasagooddealofthisatonetime。DuringthatperiodanEnglishman，whohadbroughtletterstoagentlemaninBostonandinconsequencehadbeenaskedtodinner，enteredthehouseofhishostinatweedsuit。Hishost，ineveningdressofcourse，methiminthehall。
\"Oh，Isee，\"saidtheBostonian，\"thatyouhaven\'tyourdresssuitwithyou。Themanwilltakeyouupstairsandoneofminewillfityouwellenough。We\'llwait。\"
InEngland，acricketerfromPhiladelphia，afterthematchatLord\'s，hadbeeninvitedtodineatagreathousewiththerestofhiseleven。Theyweretogothereonacoach。TheAmericandiscoveredafterarrivalthathealoneoftheelevenhadnotbroughtadresssuitwithhim。Heaskedhishostwhathewastodo。
\"Iadviseyoutogohome，\"saidthehost。
ThemoralhereisnotthatallhostsinEnglandwouldhavetreatedaguestso，orthatallAmericanhostswouldhavemetthesituationsowellasthatBostongentleman:buttoomanyEnglishusedtobesociallybrutal——quiteasmuchsotoeachotherastous，oranyone。Oneshouldbearthatinmind。IknowofnothingmoreEnglishinitswaythanwhatEtonansweredtoBeaumontIthinkwhenBeaumontsentachallengetoplaycricket:\"Harrowweknow，andRugbywehaveheardof。Butwhoareyou?\"
ThatsortofthingbelongsrathertothePalmerstondaysthantothese；
belongstodaysthatwerenearerinspirittotheWaterlooof1815，whichahaughtyEnglandwon，thantotheWaterlooof1914-18，whichahumblerEnglandsonearlylost。
Turnwenexttheotherwayforalookatourselves。AnAmericanladywhohadbroughtaletterofintroductiontoanEnglishmaninLondonwasinconsequenceaskedtolunch。Henaturallyandhospitablygatheredtomeethervariousdistinguishedguests。Afterwardsshewrotehimthatshewishedhimtoinvitehertolunchagain，asshehadmattersofimportancetotellhim。Why，then，didn\'tsheaskhimtolunchwithher?Canyousee?IthinkIdo。
AnAmericanladywasatahousepartyinScotlandatwhichshemetagentlemanofoldandfamousScotchblood。Hewaswearingthekiltofhisclan。Whileshetalkedwithhimshestared，andfinallyburstoutlaughing。\"Ideclare，\"shesaid，\"that\'spositivelythemostridiculousthingIeversawamandressedin。\"
AttheSavoyhotelinAugust，1914，whenEnglanddeclaredwaruponGermany，manyAmericanwomenmadescenesofconfusionandvociferation。
AboutEnglandandtheblastofFatewhichhadstruckhertheyhadnothingtosay，butcrowdedandwailedoftheirowndiscomforts，meals，rooms，everypaltrypersonalinconveniencetowhichtheyweresubjected，orfearedthattheyweregoingtobesubjected。Undertheunprecedentedstressthiswas，perhaps，notunnatural；butitwouldhaveseemedlessdispleasinghadtheyalsooccasionallyshowedconcernforEngland\'splightandperil。
AnAmerican，thistimeamanourcruditiesarenotlimitedtothesex
stoodupinatheatre，disputingthesixpencewhichyoualwayshavetopayforyourprogramintheLondontheatres。Hedisputedsolongthatmanypeoplehadtostandwaitingtobeshowntheirseats。
DuringdealsatagameofbridgeonaCunardsteamer，thetalkhadturneduponacertainhistorichouseinanEnglishcounty。Thetalkwasfriendly，everythinghadbeenfriendlyeachday。
\"Well，\"saidaveryrichAmericantohisEnglishpartnerinthegame，\"thosebigestateswillallbeoursprettysoon。We\'regoingtobuythemupandturnyourislandintooursummerresort。\"Nodoubtthismillionaireintendedtobeplayfullyhumorous。
AtatablewhereseveralBritishandoneAmerican——anofficer——satduringanotheroceanvoyagebetweenLiverpoolandHalifaxinJune，1919，theofficerexpressedsatisfactiontobegettinghomeagain。Hehadgoneover，hesaid，to\"cleanupthemesstheBritishhadmade。\"
ToacompanyofAmericanswhohadneverhearditbefore，wastoldthewell-knownexploitofanAmericangirlinEurope。Inanancientchurchshewasshownthetombofasoldierwhohadbeenkilledinbattlethreecenturiesago。Inhishonorandmemory，becausehelosthislifebravelyinagreatcause，hisfamilyhadkeptalittleglimmeringlampalighteversince。Ithungthere，besidethetomb。
\"Andthat\'snevergoneoutinallthistime?\"askedtheAmericangirl。
\"Never，\"shewastold。
\"Well，it\'soutnow，anyway，\"andsheblewitout。
AlltheAmericanswhoheardthiswereshockedallbutone，whosaid:
\"Well，Ithinkshewasright。\"
Thereyouare!Thereyouhaveusatourveryworst!AndwiththisplumpspecimenoftheAmericaninEuropeathisveryworst，IturnbacktotheEnglish:only，praydonotfailtogivethoseotherAmericanswhowereshockedbytheoutrageofthelamptheirdue。Howwideofthemarkwouldyoubeifyoujudgedusallbytheonewhoapprovedofthathorriblevandalgirl\'sact!Itcannotbetoooftenrepeatedthatwemustnevercondemnawholepeopleforwhatsomeofthepeopledo。
Inthetwo-and-a-halfanecdoteswhichfollow，youmustwatchoutforsomethingwhichliesbeneaththeirveryobvioussurface。
AnAmericansatatlunchwithagreatEnglishladyinhercountry-house。
Althoughshehadseenhimbutoncebefore，shebeganaconversationlikethis:
DidtheAmericanknowthevanSquibbers?
Hedidnot。
Well，thevanSquibbers，hishostessexplained，wereAmericanswholivedinLondonandwenteverywhere。Onecertainlydidseethemeverywhere。
Theywerealmosttooextraordinary。
NowtheAmericanknewquiteallaboutthesevanSquibbers。HeknewalsothatinNewYork，andBoston，andPhiladelphia，andinmanyotherplaceswhereexistedasocietywithstillsomeraggedremnantsofdecencyanddecorumleft，onewouldnotmeetthishighlystar-spangledfamily\"everywhere。\"
Thehostesskeptitup。DidtheAmericanknowtheButteredbuns?No?Well，onemettheButteredbunseverywheretoo。TheywererathermoreextraordinarythanthevanSquibbers。AndthenthereweretheCakewalks，andtheSmith-Trapezes\'Mrs。Smith-Trapezewasn\'tasextraordinaryasherdaughter——theonethatputthelivefroginLordMeldon\'ssoup——andofcourseneitherofthemwere\"talkedabout\"inthesamewaythattheeldestCakewalkgirlwastalkedabout。Everybodywenttothem，ofcourse，becauseonereallyneverknewwhatonemightmissifonedidn\'tgo。
AtlengththeAmericansaid:
\"YoumustcorrectmeifIamwronginanimpressionIhavereceived。
VulgarAmericansseemtometogetonverywellinLondon。\"
Thehostesspausedforamoment，andthenshesaid:
\"Thatisperfectlytrue。\"
Thisacknowledgmentwascomplete，andperfectlyfriendly，andafterthatallwentbetterthanithadgonebefore。
Thehalfanecdoteisapartofthisone，andhappenedafewweekslaterattable——dinnerthistime。
SittingnexttothesameAmericanwasanEnglishladywhoseconversationledhimtorepeattoherwhathehadsaidtohishostessatlunch:
\"VulgarAmericansseemtogetonverywellinLondonsociety。\"
\"Theydo，\"saidthelady，\"andIwilltellyouwhy。WeEnglish——ImeanthatsetofEnglish——areblase。Weseeeachothertoomuch，weareallalikeinourways，andweareawfullytiredofit。Thereforeitrefreshesusandamusesustoseesomethingnewanddifferent。\"
\"Then，\"saidtheAmerican，\"youacceptthesehideouspeople\'sinvitations，andgototheirhouses，andeattheirfood，anddrinktheirchampagne，andit\'sjustlikegoingtoseethemonkeysattheZoo?\"
\"Itis，\"returnedthelady。
\"But，\"theAmericanasked，\"isn\'tthatawfullylowdownofyou?\"Hesmiledashesaidit。
ImmediatelytheEnglishladyassented；andgrewmorecordial。Whennextdaythepartycametobreakup，shecontrivedinthemannerofherfarewelltomaketheAmericanunderstandthatbecauseoftheirconversationsheborehimnotillwillbutgoodwill。
Oncemore，thesceneofmyanecdoteisattable，alongtableinaclub，wheremencametolunch。AllwereEnglishmen，exceptasinglestranger。
HewasanAmerican，whothroughthekindnessofonebelovedmemberofthatclub，nolongerlivingnow，hadreceivedacardtotheclub。TheAmerican，uponsittingdownaloneinthiscompany，feltwhatIsupposethatmanyofusfeelinlikecircumstances:hewishedthereweresomebodytherewhoknewhimandcouldnodtohim。Nevertheless，hewasspokento，askedquestionsaboutvariousofhisfellowcountrymen，andmadeathome。
Presently，however，anelderlymemberwhohadbeensilentandwhomIwilldesignateasbeingoftheDr。SamuelJohnsontype，said:\"YouseemtobehavingtroubleinyourpackinghousesoverinAmerica?\"
Wewere。
\"Verydisgraceful，thoseexposures。\"
Theywere。ItwasMay，1906。
\"YourGovernmentseemstobedoingsomethingaboutit。It\'scertainlyscandalous。Suchabusesshouldneverhavebeenpossibleinthefirstplace。Itoughtn\'ttorequireyourGovernmenttostopit。Itshouldn\'thavestarted。\"
\"Ifancythefactsaren\'tquitesobadasthatsensationalnovelaboutChicagomakesthemout，\"saidtheAmerican。\"AtleastIhavebeentoldso。\"
\"Itallsoundscharacteristictome，\"saidtheSamJohnson。\"It\'squitethesortofthingoneexpectstohearfromtheStates。\"
\"Itischaracteristic，\"saidtheAmerican。\"Inspiteofalltheyearsthattheseahasseparatedus，we\'restillinveteratelylikeyou，abullying，dishonestlot——thoughwe\'vehadnothingquitesobadyetasyouropiumtradewithChina。\"
TheSamJohnsonsaidnomore。
AtaranchinWyomingwereanumberofAmericansandoneEnglishman，amanofnote，bearingacelebratedname。HewastellingthecompanywhatonecoulddointhewayofamusementintheeveninginLondon。
\"Andifthere\'snothingatthetheatresandeverythingelsefails，youcanalwaysgotooneoftherestaurantsandheartheAmericanseat。\"
Thereyouhavethem，myanecdotes。Theyarechosenfrommany。Ihopeandbelievethat，betweenthemall，theycovertheground；that，takentogetherasIwantyoutotakethemafteryouhavetakenthemsingly，theymakemyseveralpointsclear。AsIseeit，theyrevealthechiefwhysandwhereforesoffrictionbetweenEnglishandAmericans。ItisalsomyhopethatIhavebeenequallydisagreeabletoeverybody。IfIamtobebanishedfrombothcountries，IshalltrynottopassmyexileinSwitzerland，whichisindeedalovelyplace，butjustnowtoofullofcelebratedGermans。
Beyondmytwoearlypoints，therighttoprivacyandthemother-tongue，whatarethegeneralizationstobedrawnfrommydata?Ishouldliketododgespellingthemout，Ishouldimmenselyprefertoleaveithere。Somereadersknowitalready，knewitbeforeIbegan；whileforothers，whathasbeensaidwillbeenough。These，iftheyhavethewilltofriendshipinsteadofthewilltohate，willgetridoftheiranti-Englishcomplex，supposingthattheyhadone，andunderstandbetterinfuturewhathasnotbeencleartothembefore。ButIseemtofeelthatsomereaderstheremaybewhowillwishmetobemoreexplicit。
First，then。Englandhasathousandyearsofgreatnesstohercredit。Whowouldnotbeproudofthat?Arroganceistheseamysideofpride。ThatiswhathasrubbedusAmericansthewrongway。Wearerecent。Ourthousandyearsofgreatnessaretocome。Suchisourpassionatebelief。Crudityistheseamysideofyouth。OurcrudityrubstheEnglishthewrongway。
ComparetheAmericanwhosaidweweregoingtobuyEnglandforasummerresortwiththeEnglishmanwhosaidthatwhenallotherentertainmentinLondonfailed，youcouldalwayslistentotheAmericanseat。Crudity，\"freshness\"onourside，arrogance，toploftinessontheirs:suchisonegeneralizationIwouldhaveyoudisengagefrommyanecdotes。