\"I\'mmuchobligedforgivingmetheplace,CousinRobert,\"Ireplied.
Buthehadnouseforthatsortofpoliteness,andhesawthroughme,asalways.
\"Soyou\'renottootonyforthegrocerybusiness,eh?\"
\"Oh,no,sir.\"
\"ItwasgoodenoughforoldBenjaminBreck,\"hesaid.\"Well,I\'llgiveyouafairtrial,myboy,andnofavouritismonaccountofrelationship,anymorethantoWillie.\"
Hisstrongvoiceresoundedthroughthestore,andpresentlymycousinWillieappearedinanswertohissummons,thesameWilliewhousedtoleadme,onmischiefbent,throughthebarnsandwoodsandfieldsofClaremore.Hewasbarefootnolonger,thoughfreckledstill,grownlankyandtall;heworeacoarseblueapronthatfellbelowhisknees,andapencilwasstuckbehindhisear.
\"GetanapronforHugh,\"saidhisfather.
Willie\'sgringrewwider.
\"I\'llfithimout,\"hesaid.
\"Starthimintheshippingdepartment,\"directedCousinRobert,andturnedtohisletters.
Iwasforthwithprovidedwithanapron,andintroducedtotheslimandanaemicbutcheerfulJohnnyHedges,theshippingclerk,hardatworkinthealley.SecretlyIlookeddownonmyfellow-clerks,asonedestinedforahighermission,madeoutofbetterstuff,——finerstuff.Despitemyattempttohidethissenseofsuperioritytheywereswifttodiscoverit;
andperhapsitistomycreditaswellastheirsthattheydidnotresentit.Curiouslyenough,theyseemedtoacknowledgeit.BeforetheweekwasoutIhadearnedthenicknameofBeauBrummel.
\"Say,Beau,\"JohnnyHedgeswouldask,whenIappearedofamorning,\"whathappenedinthegreatworldlastnight?\"
Ihadanaffectionforthem,thesefellow-clerks,andIoftenwonderedattheircontentmentwiththedrablivestheyled,attheirself-
congratulationfor\"havingajob\"atBreckandCompany\'s.
\"Youdon\'tmeantosayyoulikethiskindofwork?\"IexclaimedonedaytoJohnnyHedges,aswesatonbarrelsofXXXXflourlookingoutatthehotsunlightinthealley.
\"Itain\'taquestionoflikingit,Beau,\"herebukedme.\"It\'sallverywellforyoutotalk,sinceyourfather\'samillionaire\"afictionsofirmlyembeddedintheirheadsthatnoamountofdenialaffectedit,\"butwhatdoyouthinkwouldhappentomeifIwasfired?Icouldn\'tgohomeandtakeiteasy——youbetnot.IjustwanttoshakehandswithmyselfwhenIthinkthatI\'vegotahome,andajoblikethis.Iknowafeller——ahardworkerhewas,toowhowalkedthepavementsforthreemonthswhentheColversfailed,andcouldn\'tgetnothing,andtooktodrink,andthelastIheardofhimhewassleepinginpolicestationsandwalkingtheties,andhiswife\'sawaitressatacheaphotel.Don\'tyouthinkit\'seasytogetajob.\"
Iwasmomentarilysoberedbytheearnestnesswithwhichhebroughthometometherelentlessnessofourcivilization.Itseemedincredible.I
shouldhavelearnedalessoninthatstore.Barringafewdiscordantdayswhentheorderscameintoofastorwhenwewereshorthandedbecauseofsickness,itwasaveritablehiveofhappiness;morningaftermorningclerksandportersarrived,pale,yetsmiling,andlabouredwithcheerfulnessfromeighto\'clockuntilsix,anddepartedascheerfullyformodesthomesinobscureneighbourhoodsthatseemedtomeareasofexile.
Theyweretroubledwithnovisionsofbetterthings.Whenthetravellingmencameinfromthe\"road\"therewasgreathilarity.Importantpersonages,these,lookeduptobythecityclerks;jolly,reckless,Elizabethan-likerovers,whohadtastedofthewineofliberty——andofotherwineswiththeineradicablelustfortheroadintheirblood.NomoreroutineforJimmyBowles,whowaskingofthemall.IshuddertothinkhowmuchofmyknowledgeoflifeIowetothisJimmy,whosestorieswouldhavefilledaquartovolume,butcouldonnoaccounthavebeenpublished;foraself-respectingpost-officewouldnothaveallowedthemtopassthroughthemails.Asitwas,Jimmygavethemcirculationenough.Icanstillseehisroundface,withthenosejustindicated,hiswicked,twinklinglittleeyes,andIcanhearhishuskyvoicefalltoawhisperwhen\"theboss\"passedthroughthestore.Jimmy,whenvisitingus,alwayshadagrouparoundhim.Hisaudacitywithwomenamazedme,forheneverpassedoneofthe\"ladyclerks\"withoutsomeformofcaress,whichtheyresentedbutinvariablylaughedat.Onedayheimpartedtomehiscodeofmorality:henevermadelovetoanotherman\'swife,soheassuredme,ifheknewtheman!Thesecretoflifehehaddiscoveredinlaughter,andbylaughterhesoldquantitiesofCousinRobert\'sgroceries.
Mr.Bowlesboastedofacatholicacquaintanceinallthecitiesofhisdistrict,butbeforeventuringforthtoconquerthesehehadlearnedhisowncitybyheart.MyCousinRobertwasnotawareofthefactthatMr.
Bowles\"showed\"thetowntocertaincustomers.Heevendesiredtoshowittome,butanepicureanstraininmynatureheldmeback.JohnnyHedgeswentwithhimoccasionally,andHenrySchneider,thebillclerk,andIlistenedeagerlytotheirexperiences,afterwardsconfidingthemtoTom
Thereweretimeswhen,drivenbyanoverwhelmingcuriosity,Iventuredintocertainstrangestreets,alone,shiveringwithcoldandexcitement,grippedbyafascinationIdidnotcomprehend,myeyesnowaverted,nowirresistiblyraisedtowardthewhitestreaksoflightthatoutlinedthewindowsofdarkhouses
OnewintereveningasIwasgoinghome,Iencounteredatthemail-boxayoungwomanwhoshotatmeaqueer,twistedsmile.Istoodstill,asthoughstunned,lookingafterher,andwhenhalfwayacrosstheslushystreetsheturnedandsmiledagain.Prodigiouslyexcited,Ifollowedher,fearfulthatImightbeseenbysomeonewhoknewme,norwasituntilshereachedanunfamiliarstreetthatIventuredtoovertakeher.
Sheconfoundedmebyfacingme.
\"Getout!\"shecriedfiercely.
Ihaltedinmytracks,overwhelmedwithshame.Butshecontinuedtoregardmebythelightofthestreetlamp.
\"Youdidn\'twanttobeseenwithmeonSecondStreet,didyou?You\'reoneofthosesneakingswells.\"
Theshockofthissuddenonslaughtwastremendous.Istoodfrozentothespot,trembling,convicted,forIknewthatheraccusationwasjust;I
hadwoundedher,andIhadadesiretomakeamends.
\"I\'msorry,\"Ifaltered.\"Ididn\'tmean——tooffendyou.Andyousmiled——\"
Igotnofarther.Shebegantolaugh,andsoloudlythatIglancedanxiouslyabout.Iwouldhavefled,butsomethingstillheldme,somethingthatbeliedtheharshnessofherlaugh.
\"You\'rejustakid,\"shetoldme.\"Say,yougetalonghome,andtellyourmammaIsentyou.\"
WhereuponIdepartedinastateofhumiliationandself-reproachIhadneverbeforeknown,wanderingaboutaimlesslyforalongtime.WhenatlengthIarrivedathome,lateforsupper,mymother\'ssolicitudeonlyservedtodeepenmypain.Shewenttothekitchenherselftoseeifmymince-piewerehot,andservedmewithherownhands.MyfatherremainedathisplaceattheheadofthetablewhileItriedtoeat,smilingindulgentlyatherministrations.
\"Oh,alittlehardworkwon\'thurthim,Sarah,\"hesaid.\"WhenIwashisageIoftenworkeduntileleveno\'clockandneverfelttheworseforit.
Businessmustbeprettygood,eh,Hugh?\"
Ihadneverseenhiminamorerelaxingmood,amoreapprovingone.MymothersatdownbesidemeWordsseemuselesstoexpressthecomplicatednatureofmysufferingatthatmoment,——myremorse,mysenseofdeception,ofhypocrisy,——yes,andmyterror.Itriedtotalknaturally,toanswermyfather\'squestionsaboutaffairsatthestore,whileallthetimemyeyesrestedupontheobjectsoftheroom,familiarsincechildhood.Herewerewarmth,love,andsafety.WhycouldInotbecontentwiththem,thankfulforthem?Whatwasitinmethatdrovemefromtheseshelteringwallsoutintothedarkplaces?Iglancedatmyfather.Hadheeverknownthesewild,destroyingdesires?Oh,ifIonlycouldhaveconfidedinhim!Theveryideaofitwaspreposterous.Suchplacidityastheirswouldneverunderstandthenatureofmytemptations,andIpicturedtomyselftheirhorroranddespairatmyrevelation.InimaginationIbeheldtheirfiguresrecedingwhileIdriftedouttosea,alone.Wouldthetide——whichwassomehowwithinme——carrymeoutandout,inspiteofallIcoulddo?
\"GivemethatmanThatisnotpassion\'sslave,andIwillwearhimInmyheart\'score\"
Ididnotshirkmytasksatthestore,althoughInevergotoverthefeelingthatafineinstrumentwasbeingemployedwhereacoarseronewouldhavedoneequallywell.ThereweremomentswhenIwasalmostovercomebysurgesofself-commiserationandofimpotentanger:forinstance,IwasoncedrivenoutofashopbyanincensedGermangrocerwhomIhadaskedtosettlealong-standingaccount.Yetthedayspassed,thedailygrindabsorbedmyenergies,andwhenIwasnotcollecting,ortediouslygoingoverthestockinthedimrecessesofthestore,Iwasrunningerrandsinthewholesaledistrict,treadingtheburningbrickofthepavements,dodgingheavytrucksanddraysandperspiringclerkswhoflewaboutwithmemorandumpadsintheirhands,orawaitingthepleasureofbanktellers.SaveHarvey,thevenerableporter,Iwasthelasttoleavethestoreintheevening,andIalwayscameawaywiththetasteonmypalateofBreckandCompany\'smail,itbeingmyfinaldutyto\"lick\"
thewholeofitanddeposititintheboxatthecorner.Thegumontheenvelopestastedofwinter-green.
MyCousinRobertwassomewhatastonishedatmyapplication.
\"We\'llmakeamanofyouyet,Hugh,\"hesaidtomeonce,whenIhadperformedacommissionwithunexpecteddespatch
Businesswashisall-in-all,andhehadanundisguisedcontemptforhighereducation.Tosendaboytocollegewas,inhisopinion,torunnoinconsiderableriskofruininghim.Whatdidtheyamounttowhentheycamehome,struttinglikepeacocks,fulloffadsandfancies,andmuchtoogoodtoassociatewithdecent,hard-workingcitizens?NeverthelesswhenautumncameandmyfriendsdepartedwitheclatfortheEast,Iwasdesperateindeed!EventhecontemplationofRobertBreckdidnotconsoleme,andyethere,intruth,wasalifewhichmighthaveservedmeasamodel.Hisstorewashiscastle;andhisreputationforintegrityandsquaredealingaswideasthecity.OftenIusedtowatchhimwithacertainenvyashestoodinthedoorway,hishandsinhispockets,andgreetedfellow-merchantandbankerwithhisgenuineanddignifieddirectness.Thismanwashisownmaster.Theyallcalledhim\"Robert,\"
andtheymadeitclearbytheirmannerthattheyknewtheywereaddressingonewhofulfilledhisobligationsandaskednofavours.
CrustyoldNathanielDurrettoncedeclaredthatwhenyouboughtabillofgoodsfromRobertBreckyoudidnothavetocheckuptheinvoiceoremployachemist.Herewasacharactertomouldupon.IfmyambitioncouldbuthavebeenboundedbyBreckandCompany,I,too,mighthavecometostandinthatdoorwaycontentwithatributethatwasgreaterthanCaesar\'s.
IhadbeendreadingtheChristmasholidays,whichwereindeedtobenoholidaysforme.AndwhenatlengththeyarrivedtheybroughtwiththemfromtheEastcertainheroesfashionablyclad,citizensnowofalargerworldthanmine.Theseformercompanionshadbecomesuperiorbeings,theycouldnothelpshowingit,andtheirpresencedestroyedtheBalanceofThings.Foralas,Ihadnotwhollyabjuredthefemininesexafterall!AndfrombeingasomewhatimportantfactorinthelivesofRuthHollisterandotheryoungwomenIsuddenlybecameofnoaccount.Newinterests,newrivalriesandloyaltieshadariseninwhichIhadnoshare;ImustperforcebusymyselfwithinvoicesofflourandcoffeeandcannedfruitswhilesleighridesandcoastingandskatingexpeditionstoBlackstoneLakefollowedoneanotherdayafterday,——fortheironyofcircumstanceshaddecreedawinteruncommonlycold.Therewereeveningparties,too,whereIfeltlikeanalien,thoughmyfriendswereguiltyofnoconsciousneglect;andhadIbeenabletoacceptthesituationsimply,Ishouldnothavesuffered.
TheprincipaleventofthoseholidayswasaplaygivenintheoldHambletonhousewhichlaterbecametheBoyneClub,underthedirectionofthelivelyandtalentedMrs.Watling.Iwasinvited,indeed,toparticipate;butevenifIhadhadthedesireIcouldnothavedoneso,sincetherehearsalswerecarriedoninthedaytime.Nancywastheleadinglady.Ihaveneglectedtomentionthatshetoohadbeenawayalmostcontinuouslysinceourmisunderstanding,forthesummerinthemountains,——asojournrecommendedforhermother\'shealth;andintheautumnshehadsomewhatabruptlydecidedtogoEasttoboarding-schoolatFarmington.Duringthebriefmonthsofherabsenceshehadmarvellouslyacquiredmaturityandaplomb,aworldlinessofmannerandacertainfrivolitythatseemedtoputthosewhosurroundedheronalowerplane.
Shewasonlyseventeen,yetsheseemedthewomanofthirtywhoserolesheplayed.Firstthereweremurmurs,thensustainedapplause.Iscarcelyrecognizedher:shehadtakenwingsandsoaredfaraboveme,suggestingasphereofpowerandluxuryhithertounimaginedandbeyondthescopeoftheworldtowhichIbelonged.
Hertriumphwasgenuine.Whentheplaywasovershewasimmediatelysurroundedbyenthusiasticadmirerseagertocongratulateher,todancewithher.Itoowouldhavegoneforward,butasenseofinadequacy,ofunimportance,ofaninabilitytocopewithher,heldmeback,andfromacornerIwatchedhersweepingaroundtheroom,holdinguphertrain,andleaningonthearmofBobLansing,aclassmatewhomRalphhadbroughthomefromHarvard.ThenitwasRalph\'sturn:thataffairseemedstilltobegoingon.Myfeelingswereastrangemedleyofdespondencyandstimulation
Oureyesmet.HerpartnernowwasHamDurrett.Capriciouslyreleasinghim,shestoodbeforeme,\"Hugh,youhaven\'taskedmetodance,oreventoldmewhatyouthoughtoftheplay.\"
\"Ithoughtitwassplendid,\"Isaidlamely.
BecausesherefrainedfromreplyingIwasfartherthaneverfromunderstandingher.HowwasItodivinewhatshefelt?orwhetheranylongershefeltatall?Here,inthiscostumeofawomanoftheworld,withthestringofpearlsathernecktogiveherthefinaltouchofbrilliancy,wasastrange,newcreaturewhobaffledandsilencedme
Wehadnotgonehalfwayacrosstheroomwhenshehaltedabruptly.
\"I\'mtired,\"sheexclaimed.\"Idon\'tfeellikedancingjustnow,\"andledthewaytothebig,rosepunch-bowl,oneoftheDurretts\'mostcherishedpossessions.GlancingupatmeovertheglassoflemonadeI
hadgivenhershewenton:\"Whyhaven\'tyoubeentoseemesinceIcamehome?I\'vewantedtotalktoyou,tohearhowyouaregettingalong.\"
Wasshetryingtomakeamends,orremindingmeinthissubtlewayofthecauseofourquarrel?WhatIwasawareofasIlookedatherwasanattitude,avantagepointapparentlygainedbycontactwiththatmysteriousouterworldwhichthusvicariouslyhadlaiditsspellonme;
Iwastremendouslystruckbythethoughtthattoachievethisattitudemeantemancipation,invulnerabilityagainsttheachesandpainswhichotherwiseourfellow-beingshadthepowertogiveus;masteryoverlife,——theabilitytochoosecalmly,asfromaheight,whatwerebestforone\'sself,untroubledbylovesandhates.Untroubledbylovesandhates!Atthatverymoment,paradoxically,Ilovedhermadly,butwithalovenotoftheoldquality,alovethatdemandedavantagepointofitsown.
Eventhoughshehadmadeanadvance——andsomeelusivenessinhermannerledmetodoubtitIcouldnotgotohernow.Imustgoasaconqueror,——aconquerorinthelistssheherselfhadchosen,wheretheprizeispower.
\"Oh,I\'mgettingalongprettywell,\"Isaid.\"Atanyrate,theydon\'tcomplainofme.\"
\"Somehow,\"sheventured,\"somehowit\'shardtothinkofyouasabusinessman.\"
ItookthisforareferencetotheboastIhadmadethatIwouldgotocollege.
\"Businessisn\'tsobadasitmightbe,\"Iassuredher.
\"Ithinkamanoughttogoawaytocollege,\"shedeclared,inwhatseemedanothertone.\"Hemakesfriends,learnscertainthings,——itgiveshimfinish.Weareveryprovincialhere.\"
Provincial!Ididnotstoptoreflecthowrecentlyshemusthaveacquiredtheword;itsummeduppreciselytheself-estimateatwhichI
hadarrived.Thestingwentdeep.BeforeIcouldthinkofaneffectivereplyNancywasbeingcarriedoffbytheyoungmanfromtheEast,whowasclearlyinfatuated.Hewasnotprovincial.ShesmiledbackatmebrightlyoverhisshoulderInthatinstantwerefusedinoneresolutionallthediscordantelementswithinmeofaspirationanddiscontent.ItwasnotsomuchthatIwouldshowNancywhatIintendedtodo——Iwouldshowmyself;andIfeltasuddenelation,andaccessionofpowerthatenabledmemomentarilytodespisethepuppetswithwhomshedancedFromthismoodIwasawakenedwithastarttofeelahandonmyshoulder,andIturnedtoconfrontherfather,McAleryWillett;agregarious,easygoing,pleasure-lovinggentlemanwhomadeonlyapretenceofbusiness,havinginheritedanamplefortunefromhisfather,uniqueamonghisgenerationinourcityinthathepaidsomeattentiontofashioninhisdress;goodlivingwasalreadybeginningtoaffecthisfigure.Hismellowvoicehadawayofbreakinganoctave.
\"Don\'tworry,myboy,\"hesaid.\"Yousticktobusiness.Thesecollegefellowsarecocksofthewalkjustnow,butsomedayyou\'llbeabletosnapyourfingersatallof\'em.\"
Thenextdaywasdark,overcast,smoky,damp-thesoft,unwholesomedampnessthatfollowsaspellofhardfrost.IspentthemorningandafternoononthegloomythirdfloorofBreckandCompany,makingalistofthestock.IremembertheplaceasthoughIhadjuststeppedoutofit,thefreightelevatorattheback,thedusty,ironcolumns,thecontinuouspilesofcasesandbagsandbarrelswithnarrowaislesbetweenthem;thedirtywindows,spottedandsoot-streaked,thatlookeddownonSecondStreet.Iwasdeterminednowtoescapefromallthis,andIhadmyplaninmind.
NosoonerhadIswallowedmysupperthateveningthanIsetoutataswiftpaceforamodestresidencedistricttenblocksaway,comingtoalittleframehousesetbackinayard,——oneofthosehousesinwhichtheringingofthefrontdoor-bellproducesthegreatestcommotion;
children\'svoiceswereexcitedlyraisedandthenhushed.Afterabriefsilencethedoorwasopenedbyapleasant-faced,brown-beardedman,whostoodstaringatmeinsurprise.Hishairwasrumpled,heworeanoldhousecoatwithaholeintheelbow,andwithonefingerhekepthisplaceinthebookwhichheheldinhishand.
\"HughParet!\"heexclaimed.
Heusheredmeintoalittleparlourlightedbytwolamps,thatboreeveryevidenceofhavingbeenrecentlyvacated.Itsfeaturessomehowbespokeastruggleforexistence;asthoughitsoccupantshadworriedmuchandlovedmuch.Itwasaroombestdescribedbytheword\"home\"——homemademorepreciousbyacertainprecariousness.Toysandschool-booksstrewedthefloor,asewing-bagandapronlayacrossthesofa,andinonecornerwasaroll-toppeddeskofvarnishedoak.Theseatsofthechairswerecomfortablydepressed.
SothiswaswhereMr.Woodlived!Mr.Wood,instructorinLatinandGreekatDensmoreAcademy.Itwasnowborneinonmeforthefirsttimethathedidliveandhavehistieslikeanyotherhumanbeing,insteadofjustappearingmagicallyfromnowhereonaplatforminachalkyroomatnineeverymorning,tovanishagainintheafternoon.Ihadformerlystoodinaweofhispresence.ButnowIwassuddenlypossessedbyanembarrassment,andshallIsayit?byacommiserationborderingoncontemptforamanwhowouldconsenttolivethusforthesakeofbeingaschoolteacher.Howstrangethatcivilizationshouldsetsuchahighvalueoneducationandtreatitsfunctionarieswithsuchneglect!
Mr.Wood\'ssurpriseatseeingmewasgenuine.ForIhadnevershownaparticularinterestinhim,norintheknowledgewhichhestrovetoimpart.
\"Ithoughtyouhadforgottenme,Hugh,\"hesaid,andaddedwhimsically:
\"mostboysdo,whentheygraduate.\"
Ifeltthereproach,whichmadeitthemoredifficultformetostatemyerrand.
\"Iknewyousometimestookpupilsintheevening,Mr.Wood.\"
\"Pupils,——yes,\"hereplied,stilleyeingme.Suddenlyhiseyestwinkled.
Hehadindeednoreasontosuspectmeofthirstingforlearning.\"ButI
wasundertheimpressionthatyouhadgoneintobusiness,Hugh.\"
\"Thefactis,sir,\"Iexplainedsomewhatpainfully,\"thatIamnotsatisfiedwithbusiness.Ifeel——asifIoughttoknowmore.AndIcametoseeifyouwouldgivemelessonsaboutthreenightsaweek,becauseI
wanttotaketheHarvardexaminationsnextsummer.\"
ThusImadeitappear,andsopersuadedmyself,thatmyambitionhadbeenpromptedbyacravingforknowledge.AssoonashecouldrecoverhimselfheremindedmethathehadonmanyoccasionsdeclaredIhadabrain.
\"Yourfathermustbeveryhappyoverthisdecisionofyours,\"hesaid.
Thatwasthepoint,Itoldhim.Itwastobeasurpriseformyfather;I
wastotaketheexaminationsfirst,andinformhimafterwards.
Tomyintenserelief,Mr.Woodfoundtheschemewhollylaudable,andenteredintoitwithzest.Heproducedexaminationsofprecedingyearsfromapigeonholeinhisdesk,andinsideofhalfanhourthearrangementwasmade,thepriceofthelessonssettled.Theywerewellwithinmysalary,whichrecentlyhadbeenraised
WhenIwentdowntown,orcollectingbillsforBreckandCompany,Itookatext-bookalongwithmeinthestreet-cars.NowatlastIhadbehindmystudiesadrivingforce.Algebra,Latin,Greekandhistorybecameworthwhile,meanstoanend.IastonishedMr.Wood;andsometimeshewouldtiltbackhischair,takeoffhisspectaclesandpullhisbeard.