precedentedtie—uphadbeendiscussedformonths，theboyssuddenlygaveuptheircandidateandnominatedmefororator。
ThiswasnotatallwhatIwanted，andIimmedi—
atelydeclinedtoserve。Wegirlsthennominatedtheyoungmanwhohadbeenfirstchoiceofourbrothersociety，buthehaughtilyrefusedtoacceptthecompliment。Thereunionwasonlyafortnightaway，andtheprogrammehadnotbeenprinted，sonowthepresidenttookthesituationinhandandperemptorilyorderedmetoacceptthenominationorbesuspended。Thiswasawhollyunexpectedboomerang。Ihadwishedtomakeagoodfightforequalrightsforthegirls，andtoimpresstheboyswiththefactofourexistenceasasociety；butI
hadnotdesiredtosettheentirestudentbodybytheearsnortobeforcedtoprepareanddeliveranorationattheeleventhhour。Moreover，Ihadnosuitablegowntowearonsoimportantanoccasion。
Oneofmyclassmates，however，secretlywrotetomysister，describingmyblushinghonorsandex—
plainingmyneed，andmyfamilyralliedtothecall。
Myfatherboughtthematerial，andmymotherandMarypaidforthemakingofthegown。Itwasawhitealpacacreation，trimmedwithsatin，andtheconsciousnessthatitwasextremelybecomingsus—
tainedmegreatlyduringthementalagonyofpre—
paringanddeliveringmyoration。Tomyfamilythatorationwastheredeemingepisodeofmyearlycareer。Forthemomentitalmostmadethemfor—
getmycrimeofpreaching。
MyoriginalfundofeighteendollarswasnowsupplementedbytheproceedsofaseriesoflecturesIgaveontemperance。Thetemperancewomenwerenotyetorganized，buttheyhadtheirspeakers，andIwasoccasionallypaidfivedollarstoholdforthforanhourortwointhelittlecountryschool—housesofourregion。AsalicensedpreacherIhadnotuitionfeestopayatcollege；butmyboard，inthehomeofthepresidentandhiswife，wascostingmefourdollarsaweek，andthiswasthelimitofmyexpenses，asIdidmyownlaundry—work。DuringmyfirstcollegeyeartheamountIpaidforamuse—
mentwasexactlyfiftycents；thatwentforalec—
ture。Thementalstrainofthewholeexperiencewasrathersevere，forIneverknewhowmuchI
wouldbeabletoearn；andIwasbeginningtofeeltheeffectsofthiswhenChristmascameandbroughtwithitagiftofninety—twodollars，whichMissFoothadcollectedamongmyBigRapidsfriends。That，withwhatIcouldearn，carriedmethroughtheyear。
ThefollowingspringourbrotherJames，whowasnowlivinginSt。Johnsbury，Vermont，invitedmysisterMaryandmetospendthesummerwithhim，andMaryandIfinallydugagraveforourlittlehatchetandwentEasttogetherwithsomethingofourold—timejoyineachother’sso—
ciety。WereachedSt。JohnsburyoneSaturday，andwithinanhourofourarrivallearnedthatmybrotherhadarrangedformetopreachinalocalchurchthefollowingday。ThatthreatenedtospoilthevisitforMaryandeventodisinterthehatchet！
Atfirstshepositivelyrefusedtogotohearme，butafterafewhoursofreflectionsheannouncedgloom—
ilythatifshedidnotgoIwouldnothavemyhairarrangedproperlyorgetmyhatonstraight。Movedbythisconviction，shejoinedthefamilyparadetothechurch，andlater，inthesacristy，shepulledmeaboutandpinnedmeuptoherheart’scontent。
Then，reluctantly，shewentintothechurchandheardmepreach。Sheofferednotributesafterourreturntothehouse，butherprotestsceasedfromthattime，andwegaveeachothertheloveandunderstandingwhichhadmarkedourgirlhooddays。
Thechangemademeveryhappy；forMarywasthesaltoftheearth，andnextonlytomylongingformymother，Ihadlongedforherintheyearsofourestrangement。
EverySundaythatsummerIpreachedinornearSt。Johnsbury，andtowardautumnwehadabigmeetingwhichtheministersofallthesurroundingchurchesattended。Iwasaskedtopreachtheser—
mon——ahighcompliment——andIchosethatimpor—
tantdaytomakeamistakeinquotingapassagefromScripture。Iasked，``CantheEthiopianchangehisspotsortheleopardhisskin？’’IrealizedatoncethatIhadtransposedthewords，andnodoubtalookofhorrordawnedinmyeyes；butIwentonwithoutcorrectingmyselfandwithouttheslightestpause。Later，oneoftheministerscongratulatedmeonthispresenceofmind。
``Ifyouhadcorrectedyourself，’’hesaid，``alltheyoungpeoplewouldhavebeengigglingyetoverthespottednigger。Keeptoyourruleofgoingrightahead！’’
AttheendofthesummerthevariouschurchesinwhichIhadpreachedgavemeabeautifulgoldwatchandonehundreddollarsinmoney，andwithanexceedinglylightheartIwentbacktocollegetobeginmysecondyearofwork。
Fromthattimelifewaslesscomplex。Ihadenoughtemperance—workandpreachinginthecountryschool—housesandchurchestopaymycol—
legeexpenses，and，nowthatmyfinancialanxietieswererelieved，myhealthsteadilyimproved。Sev—
eraltimesIpreachedtotheIndians，andtheseoccasionswereamongthemostinterestingofmyexperiences。Thesquawsinvariablybroughttheirbabieswiththem，buttheyhadasimpleandeffectivemethodofrelievingthemselvesofthecareoftheinfantsassoonastheyreachedthechurch。Thepapooses，whowerestrappedtotheirboards，werehunglikeagarmentonthebackwallofthebuildingbyaholeinthetopoftheboard，whichprojectedabovetheirheads。Eachpapooseusuallyhadabitoffatporktiedtotheendofastringfastenedtoitswrist，andwiththesesourcesofnourishmenttheinfantsoccupiedthemselvespleasantlywhilethesermonwasinprogress。Frequentlytheporkslippeddownthethroatofthepapoose，butthestruggleofthechildandthejerkingofitshandsinthestrangulationthatfollowedpulledthepiecesafelyoutagain。AsIfacedthecongregationIalsofacedthepapooses，towhomtheindifferentbacksoftheirmotherswerepresented；itseemedtometherewasneveratimewhensomepapoosewasnotchoking，butnomatterhowmuchexcitementordiscomfortwasgoingonamongthebabies，notonesquawturnedherheadtolookbackatthem。Inthatassemblagetheemotionswerenotallowedtointerruptthecalmintellectualenjoymentofthesermon。
Mymostdramaticexperienceduringthisperiodoccurredinthesummerof1874，whenIwenttoaNorthernlumber—camptopreachinthepulpitofaministerwhowasawayonhishoneymoon。Thestagetookmewithintwenty—twomilesofmydesti—
nation，toaplacecalledSeberwing。Tomydismay，however，whenIarrivedatSeberwing，Saturdayevening，Ifoundthattherestofthejourneylaythroughadensewoods，andthatIcouldreachmypulpitintimethenextmorningonlybyhavingsomeonedrivemethroughthewoodsthatnight。Itwasnotapleasantprospect，forIhadheardappallingtalesofthestockadesinthisregionandofthewomenwhowerekeptprisonersthere。Buttomisstheengagementwasnottobethoughtof，andwhen，afterIhadmadeseveralvaineffortstofindadriver，amanappearedinatwo—seatedwagonandofferedtotakemetomydestination，IfeltthatIhadtogowithhim，thoughIdidnotlikehisappearance。
Hewasahuge，muscularperson，withaprotrudingjawandasingularlyevasiveeye；butIreflectedthathisforbiddingexpressionmightbedue，inpartatleast，totheprospectofthelongnightdrivethroughthewoods，towhichpossiblyheobjectedasmuchasIdid。
Itwasalreadygrowingdarkwhenwestarted，andwithinafewmomentswewereoutofthelittlesettlementandenteringthewoods。WithmeIhadarevolverIhadlongsincelearnedtouse，butwhichIveryrarelycarried。Ihadhesitatedtobringitnow——hadevenlefthomewithoutit；andthen，im—
pelledbysomeimpulseIneverafterwardceasedtobless，hadreturnedforitanddroppeditintomyhand—bag。
Isatonthebackseatofthewagon，directlybehindthedriver，andforatime，asweenteredthedarkeningwoods，hisgreatshouldersblottedoutallperspectiveashedroveoninstolidsilence。
Then，littlebylittle，theydisappearedlikearapidlyfadingnegative。ThewoodswerefilledwithNorwaypines，hemlocks，spruce，andtamaracks—great，sombertreesthatmusthaveshutoutthelightevenonthebrightestdays。To—nighttheheavensheldnolampsalofttoguideus，andsoonthedarknessfoldedarounduslikeagarment。Icouldseeneitherthedrivernorhishorses。Icouldhearonlythesibilantwhisperofthetreesandthecreakofourslowwheelsintheroughforestroad。
Suddenlythedriverbegantotalk，andatfirstIwasgladtohearthereassuringhumantones，fortheexperiencehadbeguntoseemlikeabaddream。
Irepliedreadily，andatonceregrettedthatIhaddoneso，fortheman’schoiceoftopicswasmostunpleasant。Hebegantotellmestoriesofthestockades——grimstorieswithhorribledetails，re—
peatedsofullyandwithsuchgustothatIsoonrealizedhewasdeliberatelyaffrontingmyears。
IcheckedhimandtoldhimIcouldnotlistentosuchtalk。
Herepliedwithaseriesofoathsandshockingvulgarities，stoppinghishorsesthathemightturnandflingthewordsintomyface。HeendedbysnarlingthatImustthinkhimafooltoimaginehedidnotknowthekindofwomanIwas。WhatwasIdoinginthatroughcountry，hedemanded，andwhywasIalonewithhiminthoseblackwoodsatnight？
Thoughmyheartmissedabeatjustthen，Itriedtoanswerhimcalmly。
``YouknowperfectlywellwhoIam，’’Iremindedhim。``AndyouunderstandthatIammakingthisjourneyto—nightbecauseIamtopreachto—morrowmorningandthereisnootherwaytokeepmyappointment。’’
Heutteredalaughwhichwasamostunpleasantsound。
``Well，’’hesaid，coolly，``I’mdamnedifI’lltakeyou。I’vegotyouhere，andI’mgoingtokeepyouhere！’’
Islippedmyhandintothesatchelinmylap，andittouchedmyrevolver。Notouchofhumanfingerseverbroughtsuchcomfort。WithadeepbreathofthanksgivingIdrewitoutandcockedit，andasIdidsoherecognizedthesuddenclick。
``Here！Whathaveyougotthere？’’hesnapped。
``Ihavearevolver，’’Ireplied，assteadilyasI
could。``Anditiscockedandaimedstraightatyourback。Nowdriveon。Ifyoustopagain，orspeak，I’llshootyou。’’
Foraninstantortwoheblustered。
``ByGod，’’hecried，``youwouldn’tdare。’’
``Wouldn’tI？’’Iasked。``Trymebyspeakingjustoncemore。’’
EvenasIspokeIfeltmyhairriseonmyscalpwiththehorrorofthemoment，whichseemedworsethananynightmareawomancouldexperience。
Butthemanwasconqueredbytheknowledgeofthewaiting，willingweaponjustbehindhim。Helaidhiswhipsavagelyonthebacksofhishorsesandtheyrespondedwithaleapthatalmostknockedmeoutofthewagon。
TherestofthenightwasablackterrorIshallneverforget。Hedidnotspeakagain，norstop，butIdarednotrelaxmycautionforaninstant。
Hourafterhourcrawledtowardday，andstillI
satintheunpierceddarkness，therevolverready。
Iknewhewasinwardlyraging，andthatatanyinstanthemightmakeasuddenjumpandtrytogettherevolverawayfromme。IdecidedthatathisslightestmovementImustshoot。Butdawncameatlast，andjustasitsbluishlighttouchedthedarktipsofthepineswedroveuptotheloghotelinthesettlementthatwasourdestination。
Heremydriverspoke。
``Getdown，’’hesaid，gruffly。``Thisistheplace。’’
Isatstill。EvenyetIdarednottrusthim。
Moreover，IwassostiffaftermyvigilthatIwasnotsureIcouldmove。
``Yougetdown，’’Idirected，``andwakeupthelandlord。Bringhimouthere。’’
Hesullenlyobeyedandarousedthehotel—owner，andwhenthelatterappearedIclimbedoutofthewagonwithsomeeffortbutwithoutexplanation。
ThatmorningIpreachedinmyfriend’spulpitasI
hadpromisedtodo，andtheroughbuildingwaspackedtoitsdoorswithlumbermenwhohadcomeinfromtheneighboringcamp。Theirappearancecausedgreatsurprise，astheyhadneverattendedaservicebefore。Theyformedamostpicturesquecongregation，fortheyallworebrilliantlumber—campclothing——blueorredshirtswithyellowscarfstwistedaroundtheirwaists，andgay—coloredjacketsandlogging—caps。Therewerefortyorfiftyofthem，andwhenwetookupourcollectiontheyrespondedwithmuchliberalityandcheerfulshoutstooneanother。
``Putinfiftycents！’’theyyelledacrossthechurch。
``Giveheradollar！’’
Thecollectionwasthelargestthathadbeentakenupinthehistoryofthesettlement，butIsoonlearnedthatitwasnotthespiritualcomfortI
offeredwhichhadappealedtothelumber—men。
Mydriverofthenightbefore，whowasoneoftheirnumber，hadtoldhispalsofhisexperience，andthewholecamphadpouredintotowntoseethewomanministerwhocarriedarevolver。
``Hersermon？’’saidoneofthemtomylandlord，afterthemeeting。``Huh！Idunnowhatshepreached。But，say，don’tmakenomistakeaboutonething：thelittlepreacherhassuregotgrit！’’
IV
THEWOLFATTHEDOOR
WhenIreturnedtoAlbionCollegeintheautumnof1875Ibroughtwithmeaproblemwhichtormentedmeduringmywakinghoursandchatteredonmypillowatnight。ShouldIdevotetwomoreyearsofmyvanishingyouthtothecom—
pletionofmycollegecourse，or，instead，goatoncetoBostonUniversity，enteruponmytheologicalstudies，takemydegree，andbeaboutmyFather’sbusiness？
Iwasnowtwenty—sevenyearsold，andIhadbeenalicensedpreacherforthreeyears。MyreputationintheNorthwestwasgrowing，andbysermonsandlecturesIcouldcertainlyearnenoughtopaytheexpensesofthefullcollegecourse。Ontheotherhand，Bostonwasanewworld。ThereIwouldbealoneandpracticallypenniless，andtheoppor—
tunitiesforworkmightbelimited。QuitepossiblyinmyfinaltwoyearsatAlbionIcouldevensaveenoughmoneytomaketheexperienceinBostonlessdifficult，andtheclearcommonsenseIhadinheritedfrommymotherremindedmethatinthiscourselaywisdom。Possiblyitwassomein—
heritancefrommyvisionaryfatherwhichmademe，attheendofthreemonths，waivethesesagereflections，packmyfewpossessions，andstartforBoston，whereIenteredthetheologicalschooloftheuniversityinFebruary，1876。
Itwasaninstanceofsteppingoffasolidplankandintospace；andthoughthereisexhilarationinthesensation，asIdiscoveredthenandatlatercrisesinlifewhenIdidthesamething，therewasalsoanamountofsubsequentdiscomfortforwhichevenmylivelyimaginationhadnotpreparedme。
IwentthroughsomegrimmonthsinBoston——
monthsduringwhichIlearnedwhatitwastogotobedcoldandhungry，towakeupcoldandhungry，andtohavenoknowledgeofhowlongthesecon—
ditionsmightcontinue。Butnotmorethanonceortwiceduringthestrugglethere，andthenonlyforanhourortwointhephysicalandmentaldepressionattendingmalnutrition，didIregretcoming。AtthatperiodofmylifeIbelievedthattheLordhadmysmallpersonalaffairsverymuchonHismind。
IfIstarvedandfrozeitwasHistestofmyworthi—
nessfortheministry，andifHehadreallychosenmeforoneofHisservants，Hewouldseemethrough。
Thefaiththatsustainedmethenhasstillaplaceinmylife，andexistencewithoutitwouldbeaninfinitelymoredrearyaffairthanitis。ButIadmitthatInowcallupontheLordlessoftenandlessimperativelythanIdidbeforethesternyearstaughtmemyunimportanceinthegreatschemeofthings。
Myclassatthetheologicalschoolwascomposedofforty—twoyoungmenandmyunworthyself，andbeforeIhadbeenamemberofitanhourIrealizedthatwomentheologianspaidheavilyfortheprivilegeofbeingwomen。Theyoungmenofmyclasswhowerelicensedpreachersweregivenfreeaccommo—
dationsinthedormitory，andtheirboard，ataclubformedfortheirassistance，costeachofthemonlyonedollarandtwenty—fivecentsaweek。Formenosuchkindlyprovisionwasmade。Iwasnotallowedaplaceinthedormitory，butinsteadwasgiventwodollarsaweektopaytherentofaroomoutside。NeitherwasIadmittedtotheeconomicalcomfortsoftheclub，butfedmyselfaccordingtomyincome，aplanwhichworkedadmirablywhentherewasanincome，butleftanobviousvoidwhentherewasnot。
Withcharacteristicoptimism，however，IhiredalittleatticroomonTremontStreetandestablishedmyselftherein。InlieuofawindowtheroomofferedapaleskylighttotheFebruarystorms，andtherewasneitherheatinitnorrunningwater；
butitspossessiongavemeapleasantsenseofproprietorship，andthewholeexperienceseemedahighadventure。Iatoncesoughtopportunitiestopreachandlecture，butthesewereevenrarerthanfirelightandfood。InAlbionIhadbeenpracticallytheonlylicensedpreacheravailableforsubstituteandspecialwork。InBostonUniversity’sthreetheologicalclassestherewereahundredmen，eachsnatchingeagerlyattheslightestpossibilityofemployment；andwhen，despitethiscompetition，Ireceivedandrespondedtoaninvitationtopreach，IneverknewwhetherIwastobepaidformyservicesincashorincompliments。If，byahappychance，thecompensationcameincash，theamountwasrarelymorethanfivedollars，andnevermorethanten。Therewasnohelpinsightfrommyfamily，whoseearlyoppositiontomycareerasaministerhadhotlyflamedforthagainwhenIstartedEast。
Ilived，therefore，onmilkandcrackers，andforweeksatatimemyhungerwasneverwhollysatis—
fied。InmyhomeinthewildernessIhadoftenheardthewolvesprowlingaroundourdooratnight。
Now，inBoston，Iheardthemevenathighnoon。
Thereisaspecialandalmostindescribablede—
pressionattendingsuchconditions。Noonewhohasnotexperiencedthecombinationofcontinuedcold，hunger，andlonelinessinagreat，strange，indifferentcitycanrealizehowitunderminesthevictim’snervesandeventearsatthemoralfiber。
Theself—humiliationIexperiencedwasalsointense。
IhadworkedmywayintheNorthwest；whycouldInotworkmywayinBoston？Wasthere，per—
haps，somelackinmeandinmycourage？Againandagainthesequestionsroseinmymindandpoisonedmyself—confidence。TheonecomfortI
hadinthoseblackdayswastheknowledgethatnoonesuspectedthedepthoftheabyssinwhichI
dwelt。Wewereallstruggling；totheindifferentglance——andallglanceswereindifferent——mystrugglewasnoworsethanthatofmyclassmateswhoseroomsandfrugalmealsweregiventhem。
AfterafewmonthsofthisexistenceIwasalmostreadytobelievethattheLord’sworkformelayoutsideoftheministry，andwhilethisfearwasgrippingmeaseriouscrisiscameinmyfinancialaffairs。ThedaydawnedwhenIhadnotacent，noranyprospectofearningone。Mystockofprovisionsconsistedofaboxofbiscuit，andmycouragewasflowingfrommelikebloodfromanopenedvein。Thencameoneofthequickturnsofthewheelofchancewhichmakeforoptimism。
LateintheafternoonIwasaskedtodoaweekofrevivalworkwithaministerinalocalchurch，andwhenIacceptedhisinvitationImentallyresolvedtoletthatweekdecidemyfate。Myshoeshadburstopenatthesides；forlackofcar—fareIhadtowalktoandfromthesceneofmymeetings，thoughIhadbarelystrengthfortheeffort。IfmyweekofworkbroughtmeenoughtobuyapairofcheapshoesandfeedmeforafewdaysIwould，Idecided，continuemytheologicalcourse。Ifitdidnot，I
wouldgiveupthefight。
NeverhaveIworkedharderorbetterthanduringthosesevendays，whenIputintotheeffortnotonlymyheartandsoul，butthelastflameofmydyingvitality，Wehadarousingrevival——oneofthegoodold—timeaffairswhenthemourners’bencheswereconstantlyfilledandtheairresoundedwithalleluias。Theexcitementandoursuccess，mildlyaidedbytheboxofbiscuit，sustainedmethroughtheweek，andnotuntilthelastnightdidIrealizehowmuchofmehadgoneintothisfinaldesperatechargeofmine。Then，theserviceoverandthepeopledeparted，Isank，weakandtrembling，intoachair，tryingtopullmyselftogetherbeforehearingmyfateinthegood—nightwordsoftheministerIhadassisted。Whenhecametomeandbegantocom—
plimentmeontheworkIhaddone，Icouldnotrise。Isatstillandlistenedwithdowncasteyes，afraidtoliftthemlesthereadinthemsomethingofmyneedandpanicinthismomentwhenmywholefutureseemedatstake。
Atfirsthiswordsrolledaroundtheemptychurchasiftheyweretryingtogetawayfromme，butatlastIbegantocatchthem。Iwas，itseemed，amostdesirablehelper。Ithadbeenaprivilegeandapleasuretobeassociatedwithme。Beyonddoubt，Iwouldgofarinmycareer。Heheartilywishedthathecouldrewardmeadequately。I
deservedfiftydollars。
Mytiredheartflutteredatthis。Probablymyemptystomachfluttered，too；butinthenextmomentsomethingseemedtocatchmythroatandstopmybreath。Foritappearedthat，notwith—
standingtheenthusiasmandthespiritualupliftoftheweek，thecollectionshadbeenverydisap—
pointingandtheexpensesunusuallyheavy。Hecouldnotgivemefiftydollars。Hecouldnotgivemeanythingatall。Hethankedmewarmlyandwishedmegoodnight。
Imanagedtoanswerhimandtogettomyfeet，butthatjourneydowntheaislefrommychairtothechurchdoorwasthelongestjourneyIhaveevermade。DuringitIfeltnotonlytheheart—sickdisappointmentofthemoment，butthecumulativeunhappinessoftheyearstocome。Iwasfriend—
less，penniless，andstarving，butitwasnotoftheseconditionsthatIthoughtthen。Theoneover—
whelmingfactwasthatIhadbeenweighedandfoundwanting。Iwasnotworthy。
Istumbledalong，passingblindlyawomanwhostoodonthestreetnearthechurchentrance。Shestoppedme，timidly，andheldoutherhand。Thensuddenlysheputherarmsaroundmeandwept。
Shewasanoldlady，andIdidnotknowher，butitseemedfittingthatsheshouldcryjustthen，asitwouldhaveseemedfittingtomeifatthatblackmomentallthepeopleontheearthhadbrokenintosuddenwailing。
``Oh，MissShaw，’’shesaid，``I’mthehappiestwomanintheworld，andIowemyhappinesstoyou。To—nightyouhaveconvertedmygrandson。
He’sallIhaveleft，buthehasbeenawildboy，andI’veprayedoverhimforyears。Hereafterheisgoingtoleadadifferentlife。Hehasjustgivenmehispromiseonhisknees。’’
Herhandfumbledinherpurse。
``Iamapoorwoman，’’shewenton，``butIhaveenough，andIwanttomakeyoualittlepresent。
Iknowhowhardlifeisforyouyoungstudents。’’
Shepressedabillintomyfingers。``It’sverylittle，’’shesaid，humbly；``itisonlyfivedollars。’’
Ilaughed，andinthatexultantmomentIseemedtohearlifelaughingwithme。Withthepassingofthebillfromherhandtomineexistencehadbecomeanewexperience，wonderfulandbeautiful。
``It’sthebiggestgiftIhaveeverhad，’’Itoldher。
``Thislittlebillisbigenoughtocarrymyfutureonitsback！’’
Ihadagoodmealthatnight，andIboughttheshoesthenextmorning。Infinitelymoresustainingthanthefood，however，wastheconvictionthattheLordwaswithmeandhadgivenmeasignofHisapproval。Theexperiencewastheturning—