INTRODUCTION
JamesSheridanKnowleswasbornatCorkin1784，anddiedatTorquayinDecember，1862，attheageof78。Hisfatherwasateacherofelocution，whocompiledadictionary，andwhowasrelatedtotheSheridans。HemovedtoLondonwhenhissonwaseightyearsold，andtherebecameacquaintedwithWilliamHazlittandCharlesLamb。Theson，afterhisschooleducation，obtainedacommissioninthearmy，butgaveupeverythingforthestage，andmadehisfirstappearanceattheCrowStreetTheatre，inDublin。Hedidnotbecomeagreatactor，andwhenhetooktowritingplayshedidnotprovehimselfagreatpoet，buthisskillincontrivingsituationsthroughwhichagoodactorcanmakehispowerstelluponthepublic，wontheheartofthegreatactorofhisday，andasMacready’sownpoetherosetofame。
BeforeMacreadyhaddiscoveredhim，SheridanKnowleslivedpartlybyteachingelocutionatBelfastandGlasgow，partlybypracticeofelocutionasanactor。In1815heproducedattheBelfastTheatrehisfirstplay，CaiusGracchus。Hisnextplay，VirginiuswasproducedatGlasgowwithgreatsuccess。Macready，whohad，attheageofseventeen，begunhiscareerasanactorathisfather’stheatreinBirmingham，had，onMonday，October5th，1819，attheageoftwenty-six，takentheLondonersbystorminthecharacterofRichardIIICoventGardenreopeneditsclosedtreasury。ItwaspromptlyfollowedbyasuccessinCoriolanus，andMacready’splacewasmade。HewasatonceofferedfiftypoundsanightforappearingononeeveningaweekatBrighton。ItwasjustafterthatturninMacready’sfortunesthatafriendatGlasgowrecommendedtohimthepartofVirginiusinSheridanKnowles’splaylatelyproducedthere。
Heagreedunwillinglytolookatit，andsaysthatinApril，1820，theparcelcontainingtheMS。cameashewasgoingout。Hehesitated，thensatdowntoreaditthathemightgetawearisomejobover。Asheread，hesays，\"Thefreshnessandsimplicityofthedialoguefixedmyattention；Ireadonandon，andwassoonabsorbedintheinterestofthestoryandthepassionofitsscenes，tillatitscloseIfoundmyselfinsuchastateofexcitementthatforatimeIwasundecidedwhatsteptotake。Impulsewasintheascendant，andsnatchingupmypenIhurriedlywrote，asmyagitatedfeelingsprompted，alettertotheauthor，tomethenaperfectstranger。\"BryanProcter（BarryCornwall）readtheplaynextdaywithMacready，andconfirmedhiminhisadmirationofit。
Macreadyatoncegotitacceptedatthetheatre，wherenothingwasspentonscenery，buttherewasagoodcast，andtheenthusiasmofMacreadyasstagemanagerfortheoccasionhalfaffrontedsomeofhisseniors。Onthe17thofMay，1820，aboutamonthafteritcameintoMacready’shands，VirginiuswasproducedatCoventGarden，where，saystheactorinhis\"Reminiscences，\"\"thecurtainfellamidstthemostdeafeningapplauseofahighly-excitedauditory。\"
SheridanKnowles’sfame，therefore，wasmade，likethatofhisfriendMacready，andthefriendshipbetweenauthorandactorcontinued。SheridanKnowleshadakindlysimplicityofcharacter，andthetwoqualitiesforwhichanactormostprizesadramatist，skillinprovidingopportunitiesforactingthatwilltell，andreadinesstomakeanychangesthattheactorasksfor。ThepostscripttohisfirstlettertoMacreadywas，\"Makeanyalterationsyoulikeinanypartoftheplay，andIshallbeobligedtoyou。\"WhenhebroughttothegreatactorhisplayofWilliamTell——CaiusGracchushadbeenproducedinNovember，1823——therewerepassagesofwritinginitthatstoppedthecourseofaction，and，saysMacready，\"Knowleshadlessofthetenacityofauthorshipthanmostwriters，\"sothattherewasnodifficultyaboutalterations，Macreadyhavinginaveryhighdegreethetenacityofactorship。
Andso，in1825，TellbecameanotherofMacready’sbestsuccesses。
SheridanKnowlescontinuedtowriteforthestageuntil1845，whenhewasdrawnwhollyfromthetheatrebyareligiousenthusiasmthatcausedhim，in1851，toessaythebreakingofalancewithCardinalWisemanonthesubjectofTransubstantiation。SirRobertPeelgaveeasetohislatterdaysbyapensionof200poundsayearfromtheCivilList，whichhehadhonourablyearnedbyacareerasdramatist，inwhichhesoughttoappealonlytothehighersenseofliterature，andtodrawenjoymentfromthepurestsource。Ofhisplaystimetwocomedies{1}heregivenareallthathavekepttheirplaceuponthestage。Asoneofthemostearnestdramaticwritersofthepresentcenturyheisentitledtoalittlecornerinourmemory。WorseworkofthepasthaslastedlongerthantheplaysofSheridanKnowlesarelikelytolastthroughthefuture。
H。M。
THEHUNCHBACK。
DRAMATISPERSONAE。
（ASORIGINALLYPERFORMEDATCOVENTGARDENIN1832。）
JuliaMissF。KEMBLE。
HelenMissTAYLOR。
MasterWalterMr。J。S。KNOWLES。
SirThomasCliffordMr。C。KEMBLE。
LordTinselMr。WRENCH。
MasterWilfordMr。J。MASON。
ModusMr。ABBOTT。
MasterHeartwellMr。EVANS。
GayloveMr。HENRY。
FathomMr。MEADOWS。
ThomasMr。BARNES。
StephenMr。PAYNE。
WilliamsMr。IRWIN。
SimpsonMr。BRADY。
WaiterMr。HEATH。
HoldwellMr。BENDER。
{Mr。J。COOPER。
Servants{Mr。LOLLETT。
ACTI。
SCENEI。——ATavern。
OnonesideSIRTHOMASCLIFFORD，atatable，withwinebeforehim；
ontheother，MASTERWILFORD，GAYLOVE，HOLDWELL，andSIMPSON，likewisetakingwine。
Wilf。Yourwine，sirs！yourwine！YoudonotjusticetominehostoftheThreeTuns，norcredittoyourselves；Iswearthebeverageisgood！ItisaspalatablepoisonasyouwillpurchasewithinamileroundLudgate！Drink，gentlemen；makefree。YouknowIamamanofexpectations；andholdmymoneyaslightasthepurseinwhichI
carryit。
Gay。Wedrink，MasterWilford。Notamanofushasbeenchasedasyet。
Wilf。Butyoufillnotfairly，sirs！Lookatmymeasure！
Whereforealargeglass，ifnotforalargedraught？Fill，Iprayyou，elseletusdrinkoutofthimbles！ThiswillneverdoforthefriendsofthenearestofkintothewealthiestpeerinBritain。
Gay。Wegiveyoujoy，MasterWilford，oftheprospectofadvancementwhichhassounexpectedlyopenedtoyou。
Wilf。Unexpectedlyindeed！ButyesterdayarrivedthenewsthattheEarl’sonlysonandheirhaddied；andto-dayhastheEarlhimselfbeenseizedwithamortalillness。Hisdissolutionislookedforhourly；andI，hiscousininonlythethirddegree，knowntohimbuttobeunnoticedbyhim——adecayedgentleman’sson——gladofthetitleandrevenuesofascrivener’sclerk——amtheundoubtedsuccessortohisestatesandcoronet。
Gay。Haveyoubeensentfor？
Wilf。No；butIhavecertifiedtohisagent，MasterWalter，theHunchback，myexistence，andpeculiarpropinquity；andmomentarilyexpecthimhere。
Gay。Livesthereanyonethatmaydisputeyourclaim——Imeanvexatiously？
Wilf。Notaman，MasterGaylove。Iamthesoleremainingbranchofthefamilytree。
Gay。Doubtlessyoulookformuchhappinessfromthischangeoffortune？
Wilf。Aworld！ThreethingshaveIanespecialpassionfor。Thefinesthound，thefinesthorse，andthefinestwifeinthekingdom，MasterGaylove！
Gay。Thefinestwife？
Wilf。Yes，sir；Imarry。Oncetheearldomcomesintomyline，I
shalltakemeasurestoperpetuateitsremainingthere。Imarry，sir！IdonotsaythatIshalllove。Myhearthaschangedmistressestoooftentosettledowninoneservitudenow，sir。Butfill，Iprayyou，friends。This，ifImistakenot，isthedaywhenceIshalldatemynewfortunes；and，forthatreason，hitherhaveIinvitedyou，that，havingbeensolongmybooncompanions，youshallbethefirsttocongratulateme。
[EnterWaiter]
Waiter。Youarewanted，MasterWilford。
Wilf。Bywhom？
Waiter。OneMasterWalter。
Wilf。Hislordship’sagent！News，sirs！Showhimin！
[Waitergoesout]
Myheart’saprophet，sirs——TheEarlisdead。
[EnterMASTERWALTER]
Well，MasterWalter。Howaccostyoume？
Wal。Asyourimpatienceshowsmeyouwouldhaveme。
MyLord，theEarlofRochdale！
Gay。Giveyoujoy！
Hold。Allhappiness，mylord！
Simp。Longlifeandhealthuntoyourlordship！
Gay。Come！
We’lldrinktohislordship’shealth！’Tistwoo’clock，We’lle’encarousetillmidnight！Health，mylord！
Hold。Mylord，muchjoytoyou！
Simp。Allgoodtoyourlordship！
Wal。Givesomethingtothedead！
Gay。Givewhat？
Wal。Respect！
Hehasmadetheliving！Firsttohimthat’sgone，Say\"Peace！\"——andthenwithdecencytorevels！
Gay。Whatmeanstheknavebyrevels？
Wal。Knave？
Gay。Ay，knave！
Wal。Goto！Thou’rtflushedwithwine！
Gay。Thousayestfalse！
Thoughdidstthouneedaproofthouspeakesttrue，I’dgivetheeone。Thouseestbutonelordhere，AndIseetwo！
Wal。Reflect’stthouonmyshape？
Thouartavillain！
Gay。[Startingup。]Ha！
Wal。Acoward，too！
Draw！
[Drawinghissword。]
Gay。Onlymarkhim！howhestrutsabout！
Howlaughshisstraightswordathisnobleback。
Wal。Doesit？Itcuffstheeforaliarthen！
[StrikesGAYLOVEwithhissword。]
Gay。Ablow！
Wal。Another，lestyoudoubtthefirst！
Gay。Hisbloodonhisownhead！I’mforyou，sir！
[Draws。]
Clif。Hold，sir！Thisquarrel’smine！
[Comingforwardanddrawing。]
Wal。Nomanshallfightforme，sir！
Clif。Byyourleave，Yourpatience，pray！Mylord，forsoIlearnBehovesmetoaccostyou——foryourownsakeDrawoffyourfriend！
Wal。Nottillwehaveabout，sir！
Clif。Mylord，yourhappyfortuneillyougreet！
Illgreetitthosewholoveyou——greetingthusTheheraldofit！
Wal。Sir，what’sthattoyou？
Letgomysleeve！
Clif。Mylord，ifbloodbeshedOnthefairdawnofyourprosperity，Looknottoseethebrightnessofitsday。
’Twillbeo’ercastthroughout！
Gay。Mylord，I’mstruck！
Clif。Yougavethefirstblow，andthehardestone！
Look，sir；ifswordsyouneedsmustmeasure，I’mYourmate，nothe！
Wal。I’mmateforanyman！
Clif。Drawoffyourfriend，mylord，foryourownsake！
Wilf。Come，Gaylove！let’shaveanotherroom。
Gay。Withallmyheart，since’tisyourlordship’swill。
Wilf。That’sright！Putup！Come，friends！
[WILFORDandFriendsgoout。]
Wal。I’llfollowhim！
Whydoyouholdme？’Tisnotcourteousofyou！
Think’stthouIfearthem？Fear！IratethembutAsdust！dross！offals！Letmeatthem！——Nay，Callyouthiskind？thenkindnessknowInot；
NordoIthankyoufor’t！Letgo，Isay！
Clif。Nay，MasterWalter，they’renotworthyourwrath。
Wal。HowknowyoumeforMasterWalter？ByMyhunchback，eh！——mystiltsoflegsandarms，Thefashionmoreofape’sthanman’s？Aha！
Soyouhaveheardthem，too——theirsavagegibesAsIpasson，——\"Theregoesmylord！\"aha！
Godmademe，sir，aswellasthemandyou。
’Sdeath！Idemandofyou，unhandme，sir！
Clif。There，sir，you’refreetofollowthem！Goforth，AndI’llgotoo：soonyourwilfulnessShallfallwhate’erofevilmayensue。
Is’tfityouwasteyourcholeronaburr？
Thenothingsofthetown；whosesportitisTobreaktheirvillainjestsonworthymen，Thegraverstillthefitter！Fieforshame！
Regardwhatsuchwouldsay？SowouldnotI，Nomorethanheedacur。
Wal。You’reright，sir；right，Fortwentycrowns！Sothere’smyrapierup！
You’vedonemeagoodturnagainstmywill；
Which，likeawaywardchild，whosepetisoff，Thatmadehimrestiveunderwholesomecheck，Inowrighthumblyown，andthankyoufor。
Clif。Nothanks，goodMasterWalter，oweyoume！
I’mgladtoknowyou，sir。
Wal。Iprayyou，now，Howdidyoulearnmyname？GuessedInotright？
Was’tnotmycomelyhunchthattaughtityou？
Clif。Iownit。
Wal。Right，Iknowit；youtelltruth。Ilikeyoufor’t。
Clif。ButwhenIhearditsaidThatMasterWalterwasaworthyman，Whosewordwouldpasson’changesoonashisbond；
Aliberalman——forschemesofpublicgoodThatsetsdowntens，whereothersunitswrite；
Acharitableman——thegoodhedoes，That’stoldof，notthehalf；InevermoreCouldseethehunchonMasterWalter’sback！
Wal。Youwouldnotflatterapoorcitizen？
Clif。Indeed，Iflatternot！
Wal。Ilikeyourface-
Afrankandhonestone！Yourframe’swellknit，Proportioned，shaped！
Clif。Goodsir！
Wal。YournameisClifford-
SirThomasClifford。Humph！You’renottheheirDirecttothefairbaronetcy？HeThatwas，wasdrownedabroad。AmInotright？
Yourcousin，was’tnot？——sosucceededyouTorankandwealth，yourbirthne’erpromisedyou。
Clif。Iseeyouknowmyhistory。
Wal。Ido。
You’reluckywhoconjointhebenefitsOfpenuryandabundance；forIknowYourfatherwasamanofslendermeans。
Youdonotblush，Isee。That’sright！Whyshouldyou？
Whatmerittobedroppedonfortune’shill？
Thehonouristomountit。You’dhavedoneit；
Foryouweretrainedtoknowledge，industry，Frugality，andhonesty，——thesinewsThatsuresthelptheclimbertothetop，Andkeephimthere。Ihaveaclerk，SirThomas，Onceservedyourfather；there’stheriddleforyou。
Humph！Imaythankyouformylifeto-day。
Clif。Iprayyousaynotso。
Wal。ButIwillsayso！
BecauseIthinkso，knowso，feelso，sir！
Yourfortune，Ihaveheard，Ithink，isample！
Anddoubtlessyouliveupto’t？
Clif。’Twasmyrule，Andissostill，tokeepmyoutlay，sir，Aspanwithinmymeans。
Wal。Aprudentrule！
Theturfisaseductivepastime！
Clif。Yes。
Wal。Youkeeparacingstud？Youbet？
Clif。No，neither。
’Twasstillmyfather’sprecept——\"BetteroweAyardoflandtolabour，thantochanceBedebtorforarood！\"
Wal。’Twasawiseprecept。
You’veafairhouse——you’llgetamistressforit？
Clif。Intime！
Wal。Intime！’Tistimethychoiceweremade。
Is’tnotsoyet？OristhyladyloveTheneweststillthouseest？
Clif。Nay，notso。
I’dmarry，MasterWalter，butolduse-
ForsincetheageofthirteenIhavelivedIntheworld——hasmademejealousofthethingThatflatteredmewithhopeofprofit。BargainsAnotherwouldsnapup，mightbeforme：
TillIhadturnedandturnedthem！Speculations，Thatpromised，twenty，thirty，forty，fifty，Ay，cent-per-cent。returns，Iwouldnotlaunchin，Whenotherswereafloat，andoutatsea；
WherebyImadesmallgains，butmissedgreatlosses。
Asever，then，IlookedbeforeIleaped，SodoInow。
Wal。Thou’rtallthebetterforit！
Let’ssee！Handfree——heartwhole——well-favoured——so！
Rich，titled！Letthatpass！——kind，valiant，prudent-
SirThomas，Icanhelptheetoawife，Hastthouthelucktowinher！
Clif。MasterWalter！
Youjest！
Wal。Idonotjest。Ilikeyou！mark-
Ilikeyou，andIlikenoteveryone！
Isayawife，sir，canIhelpyouto，ThepearlytextureofwhosedaintyskinAlonewereworththybaronetcy！FormAndfeaturehasshe，whereinmoveandglowThecharms，thatinthemarble，coldandstill，Culledbythesculptor’sjealousskillandjoinedthere，Inspireus！Sir，amaid，beforewhosefeet，Aduke——adukemightlayhiscoronet，Tolifthertohisstate，andpartnerher！
Afreshhearttoo！——ayoungfreshheart，sir；oneThatCupidhasnottoyedwith，andawarmone-
Fresh，young，andwarm！markthat！amindtoboot；
Wit，sir；sense，taste；——agardenstrictlytended-
Wherenoughtbutwhatiscostlyflourishes！
Aconsortforaking，sir！Thoushaltseeher！
Clif。Ithankyou，MasterWalter！Asyouspeak，MethinksIseemeatthealtar-foot！
Herhandfastlockedinmine！——theringputon！
Mywedding-bellringsmerryinmyear；
AndroundmethronggladtonguesthatgivemejoyTobethebridegroomofsofairabride！
Wal。What！sparkssothick？We’llhaveablazeanon！
Servant。[Entering。]Thechariot’satthedoor。
Wal。Itwaitsintime！
SirThomas，itshallbeartheetothebowerWheredwellsthisfair——forshe’snocitybelle，Bute’enasylvangoddess！
Clif。Havewithyou！
Wal。You’llblessthedayyouservedtheHunchback，sir！
[Theygoout。]
SCENEII。——AGardenbeforeaCountryHouse。
[EnterJULIAandHELEN。]
Helen。Ilikenot，Julia，thisyourcountrylife。
I’mwearyon’t！
Julia。Indeed？SoamnotI！
Iknownoother；wouldnootherknow！
Helen。Youwouldnootherknow！WouldyounotknowAnotherrelative？——anotherfriend-
Anotherhouse——anotheranything，Becausetheonesyouhavealreadypleaseyou？
That’spoorcontent！Wouldyounotbemorerich，Morewise，morefair？ThesongthatlastyoulearnedYoufancywell；andthereforeshallyoulearnNoothersong？Yourvirginal，’tistrue，Hathasweettone；butdoesitfollowthence，Youshallnothaveanothervirginal？
Youmay，love，andasweeterone；andsoAsweeterlifemayfindthanthisyoulead！
Julia。Iseekitnot。Helen，I’mconstancy！
Helen。Soisacat，adog，asillyhen，Anowl，abat，——wheretheyarewonttolodgeThatstillsojourn，norcaretoshifttheirquarters。
Thou’rtconstancy？IamgladIknowthyname！
Thespidercomesofthesamefamily，Thatinhismeshyfortressspendshislife，Unlessyoupullitdownandscarehimfromit。
Andsothou’rtconstancy？Ar’tproudofthat？
I’llwarranttheeI’llmatchtheewithasnailFromyeartoyearthatneverleaveshishouse！
Suchconstancyforsooth！——aconstantgrubThathouseseverintheself-samenutWherehewasborn，tillhungerdriveshimout，Orplunderbreakeththroughhiscastlewall！
Andso，inverydeed，thou’rtconstancy！
Julia。Helen，youknowtheadageofthetree；-
I’veta’enthebend。Thisrurallifeofmine，Enjoinedmebyanunknownfather’swill，I’veledfrominfancy。DebarredfromhopeOfchange，Ine’erhavesighedforchange。ThetownTomewaslikethemoon，foranythoughtIe’ershouldvisitit——norwasIschooledTothinkithalfsofair！
Helen。Nothalfsofair！
Thetown’sthesun，andthouhastdweltinnightE’ersincethybirth，nottohaveseenthetown！
Theirwomentherearequeens，andkingstheirmen；
Theirhousespalaces！
Julia。Andwhatofthat？
Haveyourtown-palacesahalllikethis？
Couchessofragrant？wallssohigh-adorned？
Casementswithsuchfestoons，suchprospects，Helen，Asthesefairvistashave？Yourkingsandqueens！
SeemeaMay-dayqueen，andtalkofthem！
Helen。Extremesareeverneighbours。’TisastepFromonetotheother！WerethyconstancyAreasonablething——alittlelessOfconstancy——awoman’sconstancy-
IshouldnotwonderwertthoutenyearshenceThemaidIknowtheenow；but，asitis，Theoddsaretentoone，thatthisdayyearWillseeourMay-dayqueenacityone！
Julia。Never！I’mweddedtoacountrylife：
O，didyouhearwhatMasterWaltersays！
Ninetimesintenthetown’sahollowthing，Wherewhatthingsareisnoughttowhattheyshow；
Wheremerit’snamelaughsmerit’sselftoscorn！
WherefriendshipandesteemthatoughttobeThetenantsofmen’shearts，lodgeintheirlooksAndtonguesalone。Wherelittlevirtue，withAcostlykeeper，passesforaheap；
Aheapfornonethathasahomelyone！
Wherefashionmakesthelaw——yourumpirewhichYoubowto，whetherithasbrainsornot！
WhereFollytakethoffhiscapandbells，ToclaponWisdom，whichmustbearthejest！
Wheretopasscurrentyoumustseemthething，Thepassivething，thatothersthink；andnotYoursimple，honest，independentself！
Helen。Ay：sosaysMasterWalter。SeeInotWhatcanyoufindinMasterWalter，Julia，Tobesofondofhim！
Julia。He’sfondofme！
I’veknownhimsinceIwasachild。E’enthen，TheweekIthoughtaweary，heavyone，ThatbroughtnotMasterWalter。IhadthoseAboutmethenthatmadeafoolofme，Aschildrenoftarefooled；butmoreIlovedGoodMasterWalter’slessonthantheplayWithwhichthey’dsurfeitme。AsIgrewup，MorefrequentMasterWaltercame，andmoreIlovedtoseehim！Ihadtutorsthen，Menofgreatskillandlearning——butnotoneThattaughtlikeMasterWalter。Whatthey’dshowme，AndI，dullasIwas，butdoubtfulsaw，-
AwordfromMasterWaltermadeasclearAsdaylight！Whenmyschoolingdayswereo’er-
That’snowgoodthreeyearspast——threeyears——IvowI’mtwenty，Helen！——well，asIwassaying，WhenIhaddonewithschool，andallweregone，StillMasterWaltercame！andstillhecomes，Summerorwinter——frostorrain！I’veseenThesnowuponalevelwiththehedge，YettherewasMasterWalter！
Helen。Whocomeshere？
Acarriage，andagayone——whoalights？
Pshaw！OnlyMasterWalter！Whatseeyou，Whichthusrepairsthearchofthefairbrow，Afrownwasliketospoil？——Agentleman！
Oneofourtownkings！Mark！——Howsayyounow？
Wouldstbeatownqueen，Julia？Whichofus，Iwonder，comeshefor？
Julia。Forneitherofus；
He’sMasterWalter’sclerk，mostlike。
Helen。Mostlike！
Markhimashecomesuptheavenue；
Solooksaclerk！Aclerkhassuchagait！
Sodoesaclerkdress，Julia！——mindhishose-
They’reverylikeaclerk’s！adiamondloopAndbutton，noteyou，forhisclerkship’shat，-
O，certainlyaclerk！Avelvetcloak，Jerkinofsilk，anddoubletofthesame，-
Foralltheworldaclerk！See，Julia，see，HowMasterWalterbows，andyieldshimplace，Thathemayfirstgoin——averyclerk！
I’lllearnofthee，love，whenI’dknowaclerk！
Julia。Iwonderwhoheis！
Helen。Wouldstliketoknow？
Wouldstforafancyridetotownwithhim？
Iprophesyhecomestotaketheethither！
Julia。Hene’ertakesmetotown！No，Helen，no！
Totownwhowill，acountrylifeforme！
Helen。We’llsee！
[EnterFATHOM。]
Fath。You’rewanted，madam。
Julia。[Embarrassed。]Whichofus？
Fath。You，madam。
Helen。Julia！what’sthematter？Nay，Mountnottherosesosoon！HemustnotseeitAmonthhence。’Tislovesflower，whichonceshewears，Themaidisallhisown。
Julia。Goto！
Helen。BesureHecomestowoothee！Hewillbeartheehence；
He’llmaketheechangethecountryforthetown。
Julia。I’mconstancy。Namehethetowntome，I’lltellwhatIthinkon’t！
Helen。ThenyouguessHecomesawooing？
Julia。Iguessnought。
Helen。Youdo！
Atyourgravewords，yourlips，morehonest，smile，Andshowthemtobetraitors。Hietohim。
Julia。Hietheetosoberness。
[Goesout。]
Helen。Ay，willI，when，Thybridemaid，Ishallhietochurchwiththee。
Well，Fathom，whoiscome？
Fath。Iknownot。
Helen。What！Didstthounothearhisname？
Fath。Idid。
Helen。Whatis’t？
Fath。Inotednot。
Helen。Whathastthouearsfor，then？
Fath。Whatgoodwereitformetomindhisname？
IdobutwhatImustdo。TodothatIslabourquiteenough！
Wal。[Without。]What，Fathom！
Fath。Here。
Wal。[Entering。]Here，sirrah！Whereforedidstnotcometome？
Fath。Youdidnotbidmecome。
Wal。Icalledthee。
Fath。Yes。
AndIsaid\"Here；\"andwaitedthentoknowYourworship’swillwithme。
Wal。Wegototown。
Thymistress，thou，andallthehouse。
Fath。Well，sir？
Wal。Mak’stthounotreadythentogototown？
Hence，knave，despatch！
[FATHOMgoesout。]
Helen。Gowetotown？
Wal。Wedo；
’Tisnowherfather’swillsheseesthetown。
Helen。I’mgladon’t。Goesshetoherfather？
Wal。No：
Atthedesireofthinesheforatermsharesroofwiththee。
Helen。I’mverygladon’t。
Wal。What！
Youlikeher，then？Ithoughtyouwould。’TistimeSheseesthetown。
Helen。IthasbeentimeforthatThesesixyears。
Wal。Bythywisdom’scount。NodoubtYou’vetoldherwhatapreciousplaceitis。
Helen。Ihave。
Wal。Ievenguessedasmuch。ForthatItoldtheeofher；broughttheeheretoseeher；
Andprayedtheetosojournaspacewithher；
Thatitsfairspace，fromthytoofairreport，Mightstrikeanoviceless——solessdeceiveher。
Ididnotputtheeundercheck。
Helen。’Twasright，-
ElsehadIbrokenloose，andrunthewilder！
Soknowsshenotherfatheryet：that’sstrange。
Ipritheehowdoesmine？
Wal。Well——verywell。
Newsforthee。
Helen。What？
Wal。Thycousinisintown。
Helen。MycousinModus？
Wal。MuchdoIsuspectThatcousin’snearertothyheartthanblood。
Helen。Pshaw！Wedmetoamustylibrary！
LovehimwhonothinglovesbutGreekandLatin！
But，MasterWalter，youforgetthemainSurpassingpointofall！Who’scomewithyou？
Wal。Ay，that’sthequestion！
Helen。IshesoldierorCivilian？lordorgentleman？He’srich，Ifthat’shischariot！Whereishisestate？
Whatbringsitin？Sixthousandpoundsayear？
Twelvethousand，maybe！Ishebachelor，Orhusband？BachelorI’msureheisComeshenothitherwooing，MasterWalter？
Nay，prithee，answerme！
Wal。WhosaysthysexArecurious？Thatthey’repatient，I’llbesworn；
Andreasonable——veryreasonable-
Tolookfortwentyanswersinabreath！
Come，thoushaltbeenlightened——butpropoundThyquestionsonebyone！Thou’rtfartooaptAscholar！MyabilitytoteachWillne’erkeeppace，Ifear，withthinetolearn。
[Theygoout。]
SCENEIII。——AnApartmentintheHouse。
[EnterJULIA，followedbyCLIFFORD。]
Julia。Nomore！Iprayyou，sir，nomore！
Clif。Iloveyou！
Julia。Youmockme，sir！
Clif。ThenistherenosuchthingOnearthasreverence；honourfilial，thefearOfkings，theaweofsupremeheavenitself，Areonlyshowsandsoundsthatstandfornothing。
Iloveyou！
Julia。Youhaveknownmescarceaminute！
Clif。Saybutamoment，stillIsayIloveyou！
Love’snotaflowerthatgrowsonthedullearth；
Springsbythecalendar；mustwaitforthesun-
Forrain；——maturesbyparts；——musttakeitstimeTostem，toleaf，tobud，toblow。ItownsArichersoil，andboastsaquickerseed！
Youlookforit，andseeitnot；andlo！
E’enwhileyoulook，thepeerlessflowerisup。
Consummateinthebirth！
Julia。Is’tfearIfeel？
Whyelseshouldbeatmyheart？Itcan’tbefear！
SomethingIneedsmustsay。You’refromthetown；
Howcomesit，sir，youseekacountrywife？
Methinks’twilltaxhiswittoanswerthat。
Clif。Injoiningcontrastsliethlove’sdelight。
Complexion，stature，nature，matethit，Notwiththeirkinds，butwiththeiropposites。
Hencehandsofsnowinpalmsofrussetlie；
TheformofHerculesaffectsthesylph’s；
Andbreasts，thatcasethelion’sfear-proofheart，Findtheirmeetlodgeinarmswheretremorsdwell！
Haplyforthis，onAfric’sswarthyneck，HathEurope’spricelesspearlbeenseentohang，Thatmakestheorientpoor！Sowithdegrees，Rankpassesbythecirclet-gracedbrow，Upontheforehead，bare，ofnotelessnessToprintthenuptialkiss。AswithdegreesSois’twithhabits；thereforeI，indeedAgallantofthetown，thetownforsake，Towinacountrywife。
Julia。HispromptreplyMybackwardchallengeshames！MustIgiveo’er？
I’lltryhiswitagain。WhomarriesmeMustleadacountrylife。
Clif。ThelifeI’dlead！
Butfoolswouldflyfromit；forO！’tissweet！
Itfindstheheartout，bethereonetofind；
Andcornersin’twherestoreofpleasureslodge，Weneverdreamedwerethere！Itistodwell’Midsmilesthatarenotneighbourstodeceit；
Music，whosemelodyisoftheheart；
Andgifts，thatarenotmadeforinterest，-
AbundantlybestowedbyNature’scheek，Andvoice，andhand！Itistoliveonlife，Andhusbandit！ItistoconstantscanThehandiworkofHeaven。ItistoconItsmercy，bounty，wisdom，power！ItisTonearerseeourGod！
Julia。HowlikehetalksToMasterWalter！ShallIgiveito’er？
Notyet。Thouwouldstnotliveonehalfayear！
AquartermightstthouforthenoveltyOffieldsandtrees；butthenitneedsmustbeInsummertime，whentheygodressed。
Clif。Notit！
Inanytime——saywinter！FieldsandtreesHavecharmsformeinverywintertime。
Julia。Butsnowmayclothethemthen。
Clif。IlikethemfullAswellinsnow！
Julia。Youdo？
Clif。Ido。
Julia。ButnightWillhidebothsnowandthem，andthatsetsinEreafternoonisout。Aheavything，Acountryfiresideinawinter’snight，Toonebredinthetown，——wherewinter’ssaid，Forsunofgaietyandsportiveness，Tobeggarshiningsummer。
Clif。IshouldlikeAcountrywinter’snightespecially！
Julia。You’dsleepbythefire。
Clif。NotI；I’dtalktothee。
Julia。You’dtireofthat！
Clif。I’dreadtothee。
Julia。Andthat！
Clif。I’dtalktotheeagain。
Julia。AndsoonertireThanfirstyoudid，andfallasleepatlast。
You’dneverdotoleadacountrylife。
Clif。Youdealtooharshlywithme！Matchlessmaid，Aslovedinstructorbrightensdullestwit，Fearnottoundertakethechargeofme！
Awillingpupilkneelstothee，andlaysHistitleandhisfortuneatyourfeet。
Julia。Histitleandhisfortune！
[EnterMASTERWALTERandHELEN。——JULIA，disconcerted，retireswiththelatter。——CLIFFORDrises。]
Wal。So，SirThomas！
Aha！youhusbandtime！Well，wasIright？
Is’tnotthejewelthatItoldyou’twas？
Wouldstthounotgivethineeyestowearit？Eh？
Ithasanowner，though，——nay，startnot，——oneThatmaybeboughttopartwith’t，andwithwhomI’llstandthyfriend——Iwill——Isay，Iwill！
Astrangeman，sir，andunaccountable：
ButIcanhumourhim——willhumourhimForthysake，goodSirThomas；forIlikethee。
Well，is’tabargain？Come，thyhanduponit。
Awordortwowiththee。
[Theyretire。JULIAandHELENcomeforward。]
Julia。Gouptotown！
Helen。HaveInotsaidittentimeso’ertothee？
Butifthoulikestitnot，protestagainstit。
Julia。Notif’tisMasterWalter’swill。
Helen。Whatthen？
ThouwouldstnotbreakthyheartforMasterWalter？
Julia。Thatfollowsnot！
Helen。Whatfollowsnot？
Julia。ThatI
Shouldbreakmyheart，becausewegototown。
Helen。Indeed？——Oh，that’sanothermatter。Well，I’de’enadvisetheethentodohiswill；
And，everafter，whenIprophesy，Believeme，Julia！
[Theyretire。MASTERWALTERcomesforward。]
[EnterFATHOM。]
Fath。Sopleaseyou，sir，aletter，——apost-hasteletter！Thebeareronhorseback，thehorseinafoam——smokinglikeaboilerattheheat——besureaposthasteletter！
Wal。Looktothehorseandrider。
[Openstheletterandreads。]
What’sthis？Atestamentaddressedtome，Foundinhislordship’sescritoire，andthenceDirectedtobetakenbynohandButmine。Mypresenceinstantlyrequired。
[SIRTHOMAS，JULIA，andHELENcomeforward。]
Come，mymistresses，Youdineintownto-day。Yourfather’swill，Itis，myJulia，thatyouseetheworld；
Andthoushaltseeitinitsbestattire。
Itsgayestlooks——itsrichestfineryItshallputonforthee，thatthoumay’stjudgeBetwixtit，andthisrurallifeyou’velived。
BusinessofmomentI’mbutthusadvisedof，Touchingthewillofmylatenoblemaster，TheEarlofRochdale，recentlydeceased，Commandsmeforatimetoleavetheethere。
SirThomas，handhertothechariot。Nay，Itelltheetrue。Wegoindeedtotown！
[Theygoout。]
ACTII。
SCENEI。——AnApartmentinMasterHeartwell’sHouse。
[EnterFATHOMandTHOMAS。]
Thos。Well，Fathom，isthymistressup？
Fath。Sheis，MasterThomas，andbreakfasted。
Thos。Shestandsitwell！’Twasfive，yousay，whenshecamehome；
andwantsitnowthree-quartersofanhouroften？Waittillherstockofcountryhealthisout。
Fath。’Twillcometothat，MasterThomas，beforeshelivesanothermonthintown！three，four，fivesixo’clockarenowthehoursshekeeps。’Twasotherwisewithherinthecountry。There，mymistressusedtorisewhattimeshenowliesdown。
Thos。Why，yes；she’schangedsinceshecamehither。
Fath。Changed，doyousay，MasterThomas？Changed，forsooth！I
knownotthethinginwhichsheisnotchanged，savingthatsheisstillawoman。Itelltheethereisnokeepingpacewithhermoods。
Inthecountryshehadnoneofthem。WhenIbroughtwhatsheaskedfor，itwas\"Thankyou，Fathom，\"andnomoretodo；butnow，nothingcontentsher。Harkye！wereyouagentleman，MasterThomas，——forthenyouknowyouwouldbeadifferentkindofman，——howmanytimeswouldyouhaveyourcoataltered？
Thos。Why，MasterFathom，asmanytimesasitwouldtaketomakeitfitme。
Fath。Good！But，supposingitfittedtheeatthefirst？
Thos。ThenwouldIhaveitalterednotatall。
Fath。Good！Thouwouldstbeareasonablegentleman。Thouwouldsthaveaconscience。Nowharktoataleaboutmylady’slastgown。
Howmanytimes，thinkyou，tookIitbacktothesempstress？
Thos。Thrice，maybe。
Fath。Thrice，maybe！Twentytimes，maybe；andnotaturntoomany，forthetruthon’t。Twentytimes，ontheoathofthesempstress。Nowmarkme——canyoucount？
Thos。Afterafashion。
Fath。Youhavemuchtobethankfulfor，MasterThomas。YouLondonserving-menhaveaworldofthings，whichweinthecountryneverdreamof。Nowmark：-FourtimestookIitbackfortheflounce；
twiceforthesleeves；threeforthetucker——Howmanytimesinallisthat？
Thos。Eighttimestoafraction，MasterFathom。
Fath。Whatamasteroffiguresyouare！Eighttimes——nowrecollectthat！Andthenfoundshefaultwiththetrimmings。Nowtellme，howmanytimestookIbackthegownforthetrimmings？
Thos。Eighttimesmore，perhaps！
Fath。Tentimestoacertainty。Howmanytimesmakesthat？
Thos。Eighteen，MasterFathom，bytheruleofaddition。
Fath。Andhowmanytimesmorewillmaketwenty？
Thee。Twice，bythesamerule。
Fath。Thouhastworkedwiththypencilandslate，MasterThomas！
Well，tentimes，asIsaid，tookIbackthegownforthetrimmings；
andwasshecontentafterall？Iwarrantyouno，ormyearsdidnotpayforit。Shewished，shesaid，thattheslatternsempstresshadnottouchedthegown，fornoughthadshedonebutbotchedit。Nowwhatthinkyouhadthesempstressdonetothegown？
Thos。Tosurmisethat，Imustbelearnedinthesempstress’sart。
Fath。Thesempstress’sart！Thouhasthitit！Oh，thesweetsempstress！theexcellentsempstress！Mistressofherscissorsandneedles，whicharepointlessandedgelesstoherart！Thesempstresshaddonenothingtothegown；yetravesandstormsmymistressatherforhavingbotcheditinthemakingandmending；andordersherstraighttomakeanotherone，whichhomethesempstressbringsonTuesdaylast。
Thos。Andfoundthyfairmistressasmanyfaultswiththat？
Fath。Notone！Shefindsitaverypatternofagown！Awell-
sittingflounce！Thesleevesafit——thetuckerafit——thetrimmingsherfancytoaT——ha！ha！ha！andshepraisedthesempstress——ha！
ha！ha！andshesmilesatme，andIsmile——ha！ha！ha！andthesempstresssmiles——ha！ha！ha！Now，whydidthesempstresssmile？
Thos。Thatshehadsucceededsowellinherart。
Fath。Thouhasthititagain！Thejademusthavebeenbornasempstress！IfeverImarry，sheshallworkformywife。Thegownwasthesamegown，andtherewasmymistress’stwentiethmood！
Thos。WhatthinkyouwillMasterWaltersaywhenhecomesback？I
fearhe’llhardlyknowhiscountrymaidagain。Hassheyetfixedherwedding-day？
Fath。Shehas，MasterThomas。Icoaxeditfromhermaid。Shemarries，Mondayweek。
Thos。ComesnotMasterWalterbackto-day？
Fath。Yourmasterexpectshim。[Aringing。]Perhapsthat’she。I
pritheegoandopenthedoor；do，MasterThomas，do；forprovesitmymaster，he’llsurelyquestionme。
Thos。AndwhatshouldIdo？
Fath。Answerhim，MasterThomas，andmakehimnonethewiser。
He’llgomad，whenhelearnshowmyladyflauntsit！Go！openthedoor，Iprithee。Fiftythings，MasterThomas，knowyou，foronethingthatIknow！Youcanturnandtwistamatterintoanyotherkindofmatter；andthentwistandturnitbackagain，ifneedsbe；
somuchyouservantsofthetownbeatusofthecountry，MasterThomas。Openthedoor，now；do，MasterThomas，do！
[Theygoout。]
SCENEII。——AGardenwithtwoArbours。
[EnterMASTERHEARTWELLandMASTERWALTERmeeting。]
Heart。GoodMasterWalter，welcomebackagain！
Wal。I’mgladtoseeyou，MasterHeartwell！
Heart。How，Iprayyou，spedthemightybusinesswhichSosuddencalledyouhence？
Wal。Weighty，indeed！
Whatthouwouldstne’erexpect——wiltscarcebelieve！
Long-hiddenwrong，wondrouslycometolight，Andgreatrightdone！Butmoreofthisanon。
Nowofmywarddiscourse！Likesshethetown？
Howdoesshe？Isshewell？CanstmatchmeherAmongyourcitymaids？
Heart。Norcourtonesneither！
Shefaroutstripsthemall！
Wal。Iknewshewould。
Whatelsecouldfollowinamaidsobred？
Apuremind，MasterHeartwell！——notataintFromintercoursewiththedistemperedtown；
Withwhichallcontactwaswalledout，until，Maturedinsoundness，Icouldtrusthertoit，Andsleepamidstinfection！
Heart。MasterWalter！
Wal。Well？
Heart。Tellme，prithee，whichislikelierToploughaseainsafety？——hethat’swontTosailinit，——orhethatbythechartIsmasterofitssoundings，bearings，——knowsIsheadlands，havens，currents——where’tisbold，Andwherebehovestokeepagoodlook-out。
Theonewillswim，wheresinkstheotherone？
Wal。Thedriftofthis？
Heart。Doyounotguessit？
Wal。Humph！
Heart。Ifyouwouldtrainamaidtoliveintown，Breedhernotinthecountry！
Wal。Sayyouso？
Andstandsshenotthetest？
Heart。Assnowstandsfire！
Yourcountrymaidhasmeltedallaway，Andplaysthecityladytotheheight；
Hermorningsgivestomercers，milliners，Shoemakers，jewellers，andhaberdashers；
Hernoons，tocalls；herafternoons，todressing；
Evenings，toplaysanddrums；andnights，torouts，Balls，masquerades！Sleeponlyendstheriot，Whichwakingstillbegins！
Wal。I’mallamaze！
HowbearsSirThomasthis？
Heart。Why，patiently；
Thoughonecanseewithpain。
Wal。Sheloveshim？Ha！
Thatshrugisdoubt！She’dne’erconsenttowedhimUnlessshelovedhim！——never！HeryoungfancyThepleasuresofthetown——newthings——havecaught，Anontheirholdwillslacken；she’llbecomeHerformerselfagain；toitsoldtrainOfsoberfeelingswillherheartreturn；
Andthenshe’llgiveitwhollytothemanHervirginwisheschose！
Heart。HerecomesSirThomas；
AndwithhimMasterModus。
Wal。Letthempass：
IwouldnotseehimtillIspeakwithher。
[TheyretireintooneoftheArbours。]
[EnterCLIFFORDandMODUS。]
Clif。Adreadfulquestionisit，whenwelove，Toaskiflove’sreturned！IdidbelieveFairJulia’sheartwasmine——Idoubtitnow！
Butoncelastnightshedancedwithme，herhand，Tothisgallantandthatengaged，assoonAsaskedfor？Maidthatlovedwouldscarcedothis？
Norvisitwetogetherasweused，Whenfirstshecametotown。ShelovesmelessThanonceshedid——orlovesmenotatall。
Mod。I’mlittleskilled，SirThomas，intheworld：
Whatmeanyounowtodo？
Clif。Remonstratewithher；
Cometoanunderstanding，and，atonce，Ifsherepentsherpromisetobemine，Absolveherfromit——andsayfarewelltoher。
Mod。Lo，then，youropportunity——shecomes-
Mycousinalso：——herwillIengage，Whilstyouconversetogether。
Clif。Nay，notyet！
Myheartturnscowardatthesightofher。
Staytillitfindsnewcourage！Letthempass。
[CLIFFORDandMODUSretireintotheotherArbour。]
[EnterJULIAandHELEN。]
Helen。So，MondayweekwillsaygoodmorntotheeAmaid，andbidgoodnightasoberwife！
Julia。ThatMondayweek，Itrust，willnevercome，Thatbragstomakeasoberwifeofme！
Helen。Howchangedyouare，myJulia！
Julia。Changemakeschange。
Helen。Whywedd’stthou，then？
Julia。BecauseIpromisedhim！
Helen。Thoulovesthim？
Julia。DoI？
Helen。He’samantolove！
Arightwell-favouredman！
Julia。Yourpoint’swellfavoured。
Wheredidyoupurchaseit？InGracechurchStreet？
Helen。Pshaw！nevermindmypoint，buttalkofhim。
Julia。I’drathertalkwiththeeaboutthelace。
Whereboughtyouit？InGracechurchStreet，Cheapside，Whitechapel，LittleBritain？Can’tyousayWhere’twasyouboughtthelace？
Helen。InCheapside，then。
Andnow，then，toSirThomas！HeisjustTheheightIlikeaman。
Julia。Thyfeather’sjustTheheightIlikeafeather！Mine’stooshort！
WhatshallIgivetheeinexchangeforit？
Helen。WhatshallIgivetheeforaminute’stalkAboutSirThomas？
Julia。Why，thyfeather。
Helen。Takeit！
Clif。[AsidetoModus。]What，likesshenottospeakofme？
Helen。AndnowLet’stalkaboutSirThomas——muchI’msureHelovesyou。
Julia。MuchI’msure，hehasaright！
ThoseknowIwhowouldgivetheireyestobeSirThomas，formysake！
Helen。Suchtoo，knowI。
But’mongthemnonethatcancomparewithhim，Notonesograceful。
Julia。WhatagracefulsetYourfeatherhas！
Helen。Nay，giveitbacktome，Unlessyoupaymefor’t。
Julia。Whatwas’ttoget？
Helen。Aminute’stalkwiththeeaboutSirThomas。
Julia。Talkofhistitle，andhisfortunethen。
Clif。[Aside。]Indeed！Iwouldnotlisten，yetImust！
Julia。Anamplefortune，Helen——IshallbeAhappywife！Whatrouts，whatballs，whatmasques，Whatgala-days！
Clif。[Aside。]Fortheseshemarriesme！
She’lltalkofthese！
Julia。Thinknot，whenIamwed，I’llkeepthehouseasowletdoeshertower，Alone，——wheneveryotherbird’sonwing。
I’llusemypalfrey，Helen；andmycoach；
Mybarge，too，forexcursionontheThames：
WhatdrivestoBarnet，Hackney，Islington！
WhatridestoEpping，Hounslow，andBlackheath！
WhatsailstoGreenwich，Woolwich，Fulham，Kew！
I’llsetapatterntoyourladywives！
Clif。[Aside。]Ay，lady？Trustme，notatmyexpense。