ForIdidlovehimonce。Undeservingashewas，andlittleashethoughtofalltheseagoniesthatitcostme——agonieswhichshouldhavemadehimwhollyandgratefullyminetohislife’send——Ilovedhim。Iborewithhiscousin’spraisinghimtomyface，andwithherpretendingtothinkthatitpleasedme，butfullwellknowingthatitrankledinmybreast；forhissake。WhileIhavesatinhispresencerecallingallmyslightsandwrongs，anddeliberatingwhetherIshouldnotflyfromthehouseatonceandneverseehimagain——Ihavelovedhim。
HisauntmyMistressyouwillpleasetorememberdeliberately，wilfully，addedtomytrialsandvexations。ItwasherdelighttoexpatiateonthestyleinwhichweweretoliveinIndia，andontheestablishmentweshouldkeep，andthecompanyweshouldentertainwhenhegothisadvancement。Myprideroseagainstthisbarefacedwayofpointingoutthecontrastmymarriedlifewastopresenttomythendependentandinferiorposition。Isuppressedmyindignation；butIshowedherthatherintentionwasnotlostuponme，andIrepaidherannoyancebyaffectinghumility。Whatshedescribedwouldsurelybeagreatdealtoomuchhonourforme，Iwouldtellher。IwasafraidImightnotbeabletosupportsogreatachange。Thinkofameregoverness，herdaughter’sgoverness，comingtothathighdistinction!Itmadeheruneasy，andmadethemalluneasy，whenIansweredinthisway。TheyknewthatIfullyunderstoodher。
Itwasatthetimewhenmytroubleswereattheirhighest，andwhenIwasmostincensedagainstmyloverforhisingratitudeincaringaslittleashedidfortheinnumerabledistressesandmortificationsIunderwentonhisaccount，thatyourdearfriend，MrGowan，appearedatthehouse。Hehadbeenintimatethereforalongtime，buthadbeenabroad。Heunderstoodthestateofthingsataglance，andheunderstoodme。
HewasthefirstpersonIhadeverseeninmylifewhohadunderstoodme。HewasnotinthehousethreetimesbeforeIknewthatheaccompaniedeverymovementofmymind。Inhiscoldlyeasywaywithallofthem，andwithme，andwiththewholesubject，I
sawitclearly。Inhislightprotestationsofadmirationofmyfuturehusband，inhisenthusiasmregardingourengagementandourprospects，inhishopefulcongratulationsonourfuturewealthandhisdespondentreferencestohisownpoverty——allequallyhollow，andjesting，andfullofmockery——Isawitclearly。Hemademefeelmoreandmoreresentful，andmoreandmorecontemptible，byalwayspresentingtomeeverythingthatsurroundedmewithsomenewhatefullightuponit，whilehepretendedtoexhibititinitsbestaspectformyadmirationandhisown。Hewaslikethedressed-upDeathintheDutchseries；whateverfigurehetookuponhisarm，whetheritwasyouthorage，beautyorugliness，whetherhedancedwithit，sangwithit，playedwithit，orprayedwithit，hemadeitghastly。