Therewasbadbloodbetweenthematfirst，saysMrVincent，andthelordHarrycalledfarmerNicholasalltheoldNicksintheworldandanoldwhoremasterthatkeptseventrullsinhishouseandI’llmeddleinhismatters，sayshe。I’llmakethatanimalsmellhell，sayshe，withthehelpofthatgoodpizzlemyfatherleftme。Butoneevening，saysMrDixon，whenthelordHarrywascleaninghisroyalpelttogotodinnerafterwinningaboatracehehadspadeoarsforhimselfbutthefirstruleofthecoursewasthattheothersweretorowwithpitchforkshediscoveredinhimselfawonderfullikenesstoabullandonpickingupablackthumbedchapbookthathekeptinthepantryhefoundsureenoughthathewasalefthandeddescendantofthefamouschampionbulloftheRomans，BosBovum，whichisgoodbogLatinforbossoftheshow。Afterthat，saysMrVincent，thelordHarryputhisheadintoacow’sdrinkingtroughinthepresenceofallhiscourtiersandpullingitoutagaintoldthemallhisnewname。
Then，withthewaterrunningoffhim，hegotintoanoldsmockandskirtthathadbelongedtohisgrandmotherandboughtagrammarofthebull’slanguagetostudybuthecouldneverlearnawordofitexceptthefirstpersonalpronounwhichhecopiedoutbigandgotoffbyheartandifeverhewentoutforawalkhefilledhispocketswithchalktowriteituponwhattookhisfancy，thesideofarockorateahousetableorabaleofcottonoracorkfloat。InshortheandthebullofIrelandweresoonasfastfriendsasanarseandashirt。Theywere，saysMrStephen，andtheendwasthatthemenoftheisland，seeingnohelpwastowardastheungratewomenwereallofonemind，madeawherryraft，loadedthemselvesandtheirbundlesofchattelsonshipboard，setallmastserect，mannedtheyards，sprangtheirluff，heavedto，spreadthreesheetsinthewind，putherheadbetweenwindandwater，weighedanchor，portedherhelm，ranupthejollyRoger，gavethreetimesthree，letthebullginerun，pushedoffintheirbumboatandputtoseatorecoverthemainofAmerica。Whichwastheoccasion，saysMrVincent，ofthecomposingbyaboatswainofthatrollickingchanty：PopePeter’sbutapissabed。
Aman’samanfora’that。Ourworthyacquaintance，MrMalachiMulligan，nowappearedinthedoorwayasthestudentswerefinishingtheirapologueaccompaniedwithafriendwhomhehadjustrencountered，ayounggentleman，hisnameAlecBannon，whohadlatecometotown，itbeinghisintentiontobuyacolouroracornetcyinthefenciblesandlistforthewars。MrMulliganwascivilenoughtoexpresssomerelishofitallthemoreasitjumpedwithaprojectofhisownforthecureoftheveryevilthathadbeentouchedon。WhereathehandedroundtothecompanyasetofpasteboardcardswhichhehadhadprintedthatdayatMrQuinnell’sbearingalegendprintedinfairitalics：MrMalachiMulligan，FertiliserandIncubator，LambayIsland。Hisproject，ashewentontoexpound，wastowithdrawfromtheroundofidlepleasuressuchasformthechiefbusinessofsirFoplingPopinjayandsirMilksopQuidnuncintownandtodevotehimselftothenoblesttaskforwhichourbodilyorganismhasbeenframed。Well，letushearofit，goodmyfriend，saidMrDixon。Imakenodoubtitsmacksofwenching。Come，beseated，both。’Tisascheapsittingasstanding。MrMulliganacceptedoftheinvitationand，expatiatingonhisdesign，toldhishearersthathehadbeenledintothisthoughtbyaconsiderationofthecausesofsterility，boththeinhibitoryandtheprohibitory，whethertheinhibitioninitsturnwereduetoconjugalvexationsortoaparsimonyofthebalanceaswellaswhethertheprohibitionproceededfromdefectscongenitalorfromproclivitiesacquired。Itgrievedhimplaguily，hesaid，toseethenuptialcouchdefraudedofitsdearestpledges：andtoreflectuponsomanyagreeablefemaleswithrichjointures，apreyforthevilestbonzes，whohidetheirflambeauunderabushelinanuncongenialcloisterorlosetheirwomanlybloomintheembracesofsomeunaccountablemuskinwhentheymightmultiplytheinletsofhappiness，sacrificingtheinestimablejeweloftheirsexwhenahundredprettyfellowswereathandtocaress，this，heassuredthem，madehisheartweep。Tocurbthisinconveniencewhichheconcludedduetoasuppressionoflatentheat，havingadvisedwithcertaincounsellorsofworthandinspectedintothismatter，hehadresolvedtopurchaseinfeesimpleforeverthefreeholdofLambayislandfromitsholder，lordTalbotdeMalahide，aTorygentlemanofnotmuchinfavourwithourascendancyparty。HeproposedtosetupthereanationalfertilisingfarmtobenamedOmphaloswithanobeliskhewnanderectedafterthefashionofEgyptandtoofferhisdutifulyeomanservicesforthefecundationofanyfemaleofwhatgradeoflifesoeverwhoshouldtheredirecttohimwiththedesireoffulfillingthefunctionsofhernatural。Moneywasnoobject，hesaid，norwouldhetakeapennyforhispains。Thepoorestkitchenwenchnolessthantheopulentladyoffashion，ifsobetheirconstructions，andtheirtemperswerewarmpersuadersfortheirpetitions，wouldfindinhimtheirman。Forhisnutrimentheshewedhowhewouldfeedhimselfexclusivelyuponadietofsavourytuberclesandfishandconeysthere，thefleshoftheselatterprolificrodentsbeinghighlyrecommendedforhispurpose，bothbroiledandstewedwithabladeofmaceandapodortwoofcapsicumchillies。AfterthishomilywhichhedeliveredwithmuchwarmthofasseverationMrMulliganinatriceputofffromhishatakerchiefwithwhichhehadshieldedit。Theboth，itseems，hadbeenovertakenbytherainandforalltheirmendingtheirpacehadtakenwater，asmightbeobservedbyMrMulligan’ssmallclothesofahoddengreywhichwasnowsomewhatpiebald。
HisprojectmeanwhilewasveryfavourablyentertainedbyhisauditorsandwonheartyeulogiesfromallthoughMrDixonofMary’sexceptedtoit，askingwithafinickingairdidhepurposealsotocarrycoalstoNewcastle。
MrMulliganhowevermadecourttothescholarlybyanaptquotationfromtheclassicswhichasitdweltuponhismemoryseemedtohimasoundandtastefulsupportofhiscontention：Talisactantadepravatiohujusseculi，Oquirites，utmatresfamiliarumnostrolascivascujuslibetsemivirilibicititillationestestibusponderosisatqueexcelsiserectionibuscenturionumRomanorummagnopereanteponunt：whileforthoseofruderwithedrovehomehispointbyanalogiesoftheanimalkingdommoresuitabletotheirstomach，thebuckanddoeoftheforestglade，thefarmyarddrakeandduck。