An Outcast of the Islands

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第10章

An Outcast of the Islands Joseph Conrad

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An Outcast of the Islands
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  Hisangeragainsther,againstherwhowasthecauseofallhismisfortunes,vanishedbeforehisextremeneedforsomekindofconsolation。Perhaps——ifhemustresignhimselftohisfate——shemighthelphimtoforget。Toforget!Foramoment,inanaccessofdespairsoprofoundthatitseemedlikethebeginningofpeace,heplannedthedeliberatedescentfromhispedestal,thethrowingawayofhissuperiority,ofallhishopes,ofoldambitions,oftheungratefulcivilization。Foramoment,forgetfulnessinherarmsseemedpossible;andluredbythatpossibilitythesemblanceofreneweddesirepossessedhisbreastinaburstofrecklesscontemptforeverythingoutsidehimself——inasavagedisdainofEarthandofHeaven。Hesaidtohimselfthathewouldnotrepent。Thepunishmentforhisonlysinwastooheavy。TherewasnomercyunderHeaven。Hedidnotwantany。Hethought,desperately,thatifhecouldfindwithheragainthemadnessofthepast,thestrangedeliriumthathadchangedhim,thathadworkedhisundoing,hewouldbereadytopayforitwithaneternityofperdition。Hewasintoxicatedbythesubtleperfumesofthenight;hewascarriedawaybythesuggestivestirofthewarmbreeze;hewaspossessedbytheexaltationofthesolitude,ofthesilence,ofhismemories,inthepresenceofthatfigureofferingherselfinasubmissiveandpatientdevotion;comingtohiminthenameofthepast,inthenameofthosedayswhenhecouldseenothing,thinkofnothing,desirenothing——butherembrace。

  Hetookhersuddenlyinhisarms,andsheclaspedherhandsroundhisneckwithalowcryofjoyandsurprise。Hetookherinhisarmsandwaitedforthetransport,forthemadness,forthesensationsrememberedandlost;andwhileshesobbedgentlyonhisbreastheheldherandfeltcold,sick,tired,exasperatedwithhisfailure——andendedbycursinghimself。Sheclungtohimtremblingwiththeintensityofherhappinessandherlove。Heheardherwhispering——herfacehiddenonhisshoulder——ofpastsorrow,ofcomingjoythatwouldlastforever;ofherunshakenbeliefinhislove。Shehadalwaysbelieved。Always!Evenwhilehisfacewasturnedawayfromherinthedarkdayswhilehismindwaswanderinginhisownland,amongsthisownpeople。

  Butitwouldneverwanderawayfromheranymore,nowithadcomeback。Hewouldforgetthecoldfacesandthehardheartsofthecruelpeople。Whatwastheretoremember?Nothing?Wasitnotso?……

  Helistenedhopelesslytothefaintmurmur。Hestoodstillandrigid,pressinghermechanicallytohisbreastwhilehethoughtthattherewasnothingforhimintheworld。Hewasrobbedofeverything;robbedofhispassion,ofhisliberty,offorgetfulness,ofconsolation。She,wildwithdelight,whisperedonrapidly,oflove,oflight,ofpeace,oflongyears……Helookeddrearilyaboveherheaddownintothedeepergloomofthecourtyard。And,allatonce,itseemedtohimthathewaspeeringintoasombrehollow,intoadeepblackholefullofdecayandofwhitenedbones;intoanimmenseandinevitablegravefullofcorruptionwheresoonerorlaterhemust,unavoidably,fall。

  Inthemorninghecameoutearly,andstoodforatimeinthedoorway,listeningtothelightbreathingbehindhim——inthehouse。Sheslept。Hehadnotclosedhiseyesthroughallthatnight。Hestoodswaying——thenleanedagainstthelintelofthedoor。Hewasexhausted,doneup;fanciedhimselfhardlyalive。

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