InspiteofthefactIhavenoted,thatIhadlostacertainzestforresults,tokeepbusyseemedtobetheonlywaytorelievemymindofanotherwiseintolerablepressure:andIworkedsometimesfarintotheevening.Inthebackgroundofmythoughtslaythenecessityofcomingtoadecisiononthequestionofthesenatorship;severaltimesDickinsonandGorsehadspokenofit,andIwasbeginningtogetlettersfrominfluentialmeninotherpartsofthestate.Theyseemedtotakeitforgrantedthattherewasnoquestionofmyrefusing.ThetimecamewhenI
hadgrownabletoconsiderthematterwithadegreeofcalmness.Whatstruckmefirst,whenIbegantodebateuponit,wasthatthesenatorshipofferedanewandpossiblyhigherfieldformyenergies,whileatthesametimetheofficewouldbealogicalcontinuationofasignallegalcareer.IwasnowunabletodenythatInolongerfeltanyexhilarationattheprospectoffuturelegalconquestssimilartothoseofthepast;
butonceintheSenate,ImightregainsomethingofthatintenseconvictionoffightingforajustandsoundcausewithwhichTheodoreWadinghadonceanimatedme:fightingthere,intheCapitolatWashington,wouldbedifferent;nostigmaofpersonalgainattachedtoit;itofferedanearerapproachtotheidealIhadoncemorebeguntoseek,heldouthopesofarenewalofmyunityofmind.Mr.Watlinghaddeclaredthattherewassomethingtofightfor;Ihadevenglimpsedthatsomething,butIhadtoconfessthatforsomeyearsIhadnotbeenconsciouslyfightingforit.Ineededsomethingtofightfor.
Therewasthenecessity,however,ofrenewingmycalculations.IfHambletonDurrettshouldrecover,evenduringtheensuingyear,andifNancyrelenteditwouldnotbepossibleforustobedivorcedandmarriedforsometime.Istillclungtenaciouslytothebeliefthattherewerenorelationshipswhollyunaffectedbyworldlytriumphs,andasSenatorI
shouldhavestrengthenedmyposition.Itdidnotstrikeme——evenafterallmyexperience——thatsuchacourseasInowcontemplatedhadaparallelintheonethatIhadpursuedinregardtoherwhenIwasyoung.